Coping with infidelity

[cs2015]

Hi everyone

 

First time I post but am feeling lost and would welcome advice and opinions from others.

 

I discovered several months ago my wife was cheating on me. She had a weird attitude and basically I pressured her and it came out. A one night stand several years ago and more recently a several month long relationship with a coworker of hers. We've been together for over 10 years and have a toddler.

 

When it was revealed I told her I wanted to give her a second chance and we started to try make it work. Tough especially with her staying at her work as she refused to resign (financial independence, limited other opportunities).

 

Two months later during a business trip she cheated on me again with the same guy and I found out after snooping on her phone (thank you paranoia). She denied at first but when confronted only admitted to kissing (found out months later there was sex also). Told her to leave but she refused and as I love her deeply and she assured it was an echo of the past and I decided to try to bear with this.

 

A few months fast forward, we have both been following separate therapy which helps but it's a slow process. We know the roots of the problem (routine, selfish approach to sex) and have been doing our best to address it. She has also figured out she loves me and not the other guy and wants us to stay together. Now she's pregnant (from me, no doubt on that) but l still have major issues to find peace, especially due to her work situation. Up to a month ago she was still trying to accommodate the feelings of the other guy (married with kids) and "apparently" finally cut off with that. I reopened the work topic recently but she still refuses to resign or seek elsewhere especially as she is pregnant.

 

Sex has improved with lots of it at first and now much quieter notably due to the pregnancy. Still a difficult topic of discussion though.

 

So here I am waiting for something to happen at her work (I won't ultimatum her as don't think it shows love) and periodically seeking comfort from her while her patience is wearing thin as I am very demanding (I have my own issues...). She is affectionate and we spend good times together but ghosts of the past sometimes feel overwhelmingly present.

 

Not sure anyone can help but at least sharing does already.

 

Thanks

C.

[gettingstronger]

She is lucky that you love her so dearly- since changing jobs on her part and leaving on your part are out of the question-continue with therapy- and for pitys sake, use protection after the birth of this child-a third child is the last thing you all need-

[sandylee1]

Hi everyone

 

First time I post but am feeling lost and would welcome advice and opinions from others.

 

I discovered several months ago my wife was cheating on me. She had a weird attitude and basically I pressured her and it came out. A one night stand several years ago and more recently a several month long relationship with a coworker of hers. We've been together for over 10 years and have a toddler.

 

When it was revealed I told her I wanted to give her a second chance and we started to try make it work. Tough especially with her staying at her work as she refused to resign (financial independence, limited other opportunities).

 

Two months later during a business trip she cheated on me again with the same guy and I found out after snooping on her phone (thank you paranoia). She denied at first but when confronted only admitted to kissing (found out months later there was sex also). Told her to leave but she refused and as I love her deeply and she assured it was an echo of the past and I decided to try to bear with this.

 

A few months fast forward, we have both been following separate therapy which helps but it's a slow process. We know the roots of the problem (routine, selfish approach to sex) and have been doing our best to address it. She has also figured out she loves me and not the other guy and wants us to stay together. Now she's pregnant (from me, no doubt on that) but l still have major issues to find peace, especially due to her work situation. Up to a month ago she was still trying to accommodate the feelings of the other guy (married with kids) and "apparently" finally cut off with that. I reopened the work topic recently but she still refuses to resign or seek elsewhere especially as she is pregnant.

 

Sex has improved with lots of it at first and now much quieter notably due to the pregnancy. Still a difficult topic of discussion though.

 

So here I am waiting for something to happen at her work (I won't ultimatum her as don't think it shows love) and periodically seeking comfort from her while her patience is wearing thin as I am very demanding (I have my own issues...). She is affectionate and we spend good times together but ghosts of the past sometimes feel overwhelmingly present.

 

Not sure anyone can help but at least sharing does already.

 

Thanks

C.

 

The fact that she refuses to resign or seek alternative employment is very telling. She cheated on you 3 times and she won't completely cut ties with her affair partner.

 

Here are a few conditions you need to demand of her to have any chance of making it work :

 

Total transparency. Access to her phone and emails. Although because they work together it kind of defeats the objective , but is still worth doing

 

No contact with her him

 

Request that she reads ' how to help your spouse heal from an affair '

 

Request that she reads 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass

 

OP - What has your wife done to make you feel safe? To reassure you she has stopped cheating?

 

You yourself need to read 'no more Mr. Nice guy'. Your wife is taking advantage of you. You have to be prepared to loose your marriage to save it.

 

Her refusal to look for another job is basically a kick in the teeth to you and shows she doesn't get it, or have true remorse for her actions.

 

One more thing, you need to out the affair to his wife. That will make it harder for them to carry on and his wife will pressure him to find another job too. Do it anonymously if you have to. Send the proof by certified mail.

 

Put your foot down and don't take any nonsense from her. Also did you expose the affair to her family?

 

I don't see that she has suffered any consequences for her actions. You need to make sure she does, because she could have just taken this affair deep underground.

 

How are you positive the child is yours? If the other man told her he had a vasectomy, don't believe it.

[cs2015]

Thank you for your kind words and yes on conceiving another child at this stage!

[cs2015]

The fact that she refuses to resign or seek alternative employment is very telling. She cheated on you 3 times and she won't completely cut ties with her affair partner.

 

Here are a few conditions you need to demand of her to have any chance of making it work :

 

Total transparency. Access to her phone and emails. Although because they work together it kind of defeats the objective , but is still worth doing

 

No contact with her him

 

Request that she reads ' how to help your spouse heal from an affair '

 

Request that she reads 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass

 

OP - What has your wife done to make you feel safe? To reassure you she has stopped cheating?

 

You yourself need to read 'no more Mr. Nice guy'. Your wife is taking advantage of you. You have to be prepared to loose your marriage to save it.

 

Her refusal to look for another job is basically a kick in the teeth to you and shows she doesn't get it, or have true remorse for her actions.

 

One more thing, you need to out the affair to his wife. That will make it harder for them to carry on and his wife will pressure him to find another job too. Do it anonymously if you have to. Send the proof by certified mail.

 

Put your foot down and don't take any nonsense from her. Also did you expose the affair to her family?

 

I don't see that she has suffered any consequences for her actions. You need to make sure she does, because she could have just taken this affair deep underground.

 

How are you positive the child is yours? If the other man told her he had a vasectomy, don't believe it.

 

 

Hi sandylee1 and thank you for your advice.

 

On the very valid points you raise:

- I am positive the child is mine as was conceived during extended holidays we took together

- Did not expose to her family, she did it herself

- Will not expose to the wife. I did threaten the other guy I would contact his wife if he approached my wife again. He did (sent pictures to my wife) so basically shows he does not care about his own family. I will not expose myself to the further stress of knowing he is divorcing and free to adopt a more aggressive approach at work.

- Transparency through communications access is worthless in the end as you point out. She has offered it but if she wants to further flirt she has multiple other options and this would just create additional thrill to it. I did snoop on her email for a while but was driving me crazy so stopped.

- No contact is impossible as long as she stays in her job. Their respective positions are such they need to work together, although thank god she does not report to him.

- To reassure she has stopped cheating frankly not sure what can be done. I used to ask questions about their interaction at work but she lied on several instances (ie she only admitted once I pushed hard on the point), as she believes in hiding the truth to protect me...no comment, I find this appalling given our situation. No she assures me their dealings are limited and strictly professional but with the history of lying I am having a hard time to satisfy myself with that. She cancelled some business trip to ensure they would not travel together as she knew it would freak me out. Not sure what more can be done. She is loving and caring and tries to reassure me, but at the same time I tend to get needy and it’s hard for me to tell the frontier between what’s normal to ask/expect and what is just my anxieties taking control of me. Hope therapy will help here.

- She does not have full remorse indeed. She has from the perspective of the pain inflicted to me, but not taking the perspective of how in the end the affair has brought us closer. This is sick logic in my opinion but it’s hers.

 

You are right, she has not suffered any significant consequences, but I don’t believe in making her pay as may well end the marriage in that case if I’m looking for revenge. The only major decision she could take would be to resign but now she’s pregnant it’s out of the question.

 

Will check on the posts/books you mentioned.

[No Limit]

- Will not expose to the wife.

 

No, do it.

 

And if she doesn't go NC with her AP, 100% reconciliation isn't possible. You're just sticking your head in the sand and your wife is probably eager to provide more sand (since she's not remorseful as you said). Remarkable that you're still with her, and very well played by her to bring another child into the mess to keep you.

[oldshirt]

Wow there is so much wrong with this and you are so far behind the 8ball.

 

The root of the problem here is you have been "coping" with this instead of laying down firm boundaries and holding her to them. She has been calling all the shots and is in complete control of the situation. Nothing has been done to stop her screwing around and she has had no consequences for her actions so there is nothing getting in the way of her continuing to cuckold you.

 

First step at this point is to get a lawyer and determine your rights and where you would stand in a divorce and establish your rights should it be determined the baby is not yours.

 

Second step is to determine paternity of the child and take action to protect yourself either way. You have been extremely naive and have been played a fool. Your naivete and your accommodations of her have allowed her to manipulate and use you. She may be covering her tracks with the OM a little better now but she could snap her fingers and have the OM in her bed in the blink of an eye.

 

I encourage you to take some time and read some of the other threads here in the infidelity forums. You will find many trusting, naive people like you being played like puppet on string by their WS s. This situation may seem random and unique but it is not. These this play out like a big playbook and are surprisingly standard and predictable.

 

Like countless people before you, you are making mistakes at every juncture. Educate yourself fast and take definitive action to protect youself.

[road]

This cheating has not stopped. You are confusing WW taking a pause from banging the OM as the affair will not restart when the affair has restarted 3 times already.

 

 

You and your marriage have no chance of recovery without NC. Your WW must leave her job.

 

 

Also you need to have a paternity test done. Your WW by refusing to have NC shows that she can not be trusted.

 

 

There are paternity tests that are now safe for a pregnant woman and baby.

[cs2015]

Wow there is so much wrong with this and you are so far behind the 8ball.

 

The root of the problem here is you have been "coping" with this instead of laying down firm boundaries and holding her to them. She has been calling all the shots and is in complete control of the situation. Nothing has been done to stop her screwing around and she has had no consequences for her actions so there is nothing getting in the way of her continuing to cuckold you.

 

First step at this point is to get a lawyer and determine your rights and where you would stand in a divorce and establish your rights should it be determined the baby is not yours.

 

Second step is to determine paternity of the child and take action to protect yourself either way. You have been extremely naive and have been played a fool. Your naivete and your accommodations of her have allowed her to manipulate and use you. She may be covering her tracks with the OM a little better now but she could snap her fingers and have the OM in her bed in the blink of an eye.

 

I encourage you to take some time and read some of the other threads here in the infidelity forums. You will find many trusting, naive people like you being played like puppet on string by their WS s. This situation may seem random and unique but it is not. These this play out like a big playbook and are surprisingly standard and predictable.

 

Like countless people before you, you are making mistakes at every juncture. Educate yourself fast and take definitive action to protect youself.

 

 

To oldshirt.

Yes I proved weak and should have stood a firmer ground but now I’m where I am.

On the child again I have no doubt. Just could not be otherwise due to geographical location.

Not sure what definitive action you have in mind. Divorce is last resort and no turning back once on the table IMO so not on that track for now.

In any case if she wants to cheat again in the end I can’t do anything about it and that will be the end of our marriage.

[oldshirt]

You are being very naive and weak. Weakness will get you cuckholded and you will be the housekeeper and the nanny while she bangs other people like a porn star.

 

Read my responses in bold to your comments below.

 

 

 

Hi sandylee1 and thank you for your advice.

 

On the very valid points you raise:

- I am positive the child is mine as was conceived during extended holidays we took together

 

 

was your holiday over a month in duration and she was locked in your room with a chastity belt? Cheaters have a playbook and one of the primary plays is to bang their partner senseless after getting inseminated by the OM so the husband thinks it's his.

 

 

- Did not expose to her family, she did it herself

 

she gave them a very edited, watered down version at best. She may have only fessed up to talking to him.

 

- Will not expose to the wife. I did threaten the other guy I would contact his wife if he approached my wife again. He did (sent pictures to my wife) so basically shows he does not care about his own family.

 

 

no, this shows you are weak and won't follow through thus gives him permission to tap your wife whenever he feels like. He has had no consequences so he has no reason not to fck her. Yes they may divorce at some point leaving him a single man but that will take months or even years during which time he will be tied up in his own drama and will likely through your wife under the bus. You absolutely MUST tell .

 

- Transparency through communications access is worthless in the end as you point out.

 

you are simply being weak and ineffective on this one. In order to be transparent you need to see all her communications at this exact moment. Otherwise all shell do is delete stuff and open up new accounts. You have to go James Bond and install keyloggers and hack her accounts without her knowledge. You are only seeing he very tip of the iceberg. There is a ton more you don't know.

 

 

 

- No contact is impossible as long as she stays in her job.

 

 

do you want an employed wife or a faithful wife? You have to decide. Would you rather have an employed wife that laughs at you as she wipes the OM' s sperm off her body or an unemployed wife that isn't rubbing up against OM in the office every day?

 

Your choice, although at this juncture realize if she keeps her job that will be less spousal support you will have to pay in the divorce.

 

 

 

- To reassure she has stopped cheating frankly not sure what can be done. I used to ask questions about their interaction at work but she lied on several instances.

 

 

again weakness and ineffectiveness. There is A LOT that can be done but it will all involve velcroing your balls on and it will make her mad and upset her and it will make the OM upset. In order to protect what is yours, you mist be willing to inconvenience them and upset them. They want to have their fun while you foot the bill. They will be perturbed that you interfere with their fun and games. You simply must become strong and focused and not so weak and ineffectual.

 

 

 

 

- She does not have full remorse indeed.

 

 

she has no remorse because she is selfish and wants what she wants without regard to you.

 

She also has no remorse because it hasn't cost her anything and she has had no consequences for her actions. You have allowed her to do as she pleases without consequence.

 

 

 

You are right, she has not suffered any significant consequences, but I don’t believe in making her pay as may well end the marriage in that case if I’m looking for revenge.

 

boundaries are not revenge. It's not about inflicting pain on her out of vengeance. It's about standing up for yourself and your own well being. You are not doing that so they can do as they please with impunity.

 

 

The only major decision she could take would be to resign but now she’s pregnant it’s out of the question.

 

 

it's not out of the question, it's an inconvenience. As I said earlier, to take a stand you must be willing to blow up stuff and inconvenience people and upset them.

 

Will check on the posts/books you mentioned.

[cozycottagelg]

If I am understanding this correctly, you don't want to tell his wife because that would make him available to your ws.

 

If HIS marital status is the only thing keeping you and your wife together, you have a marriage that isn't worth saving, in my opinion.

 

You have forgiven her three times. How many more times are you willing to forgive her? She hasn't done anything to prove to you she is sorry.

[cs2015]

If I am understanding this correctly, you don't want to tell his wife because that would make him available to your ws.

 

If HIS marital status is the only thing keeping you and your wife together, you have a marriage that isn't worth saving, in my opinion.

 

You have forgiven her three times. How many more times are you willing to forgive her? She hasn't done anything to prove to you she is sorry.

 

No prime reason is the other wife has no responsibility in this (please don't say she has as she did not keep her hubby in checks...) and I won't take responsibility for what could follow. She could kill herself, this could ruin their kids, etc. Have seen such things in the community where I live...

 

It was my wife's choice to cheat so this is between her and I. I don't see keeping the other guy busy with hell at his home as protecting my couple. Only thing I see protecting our couple is us finding happiness together again. I know some of you will find that naive but I don't believe in forcing other people do things they don't want to do. You just push them in the other direction.

[oldshirt]

No prime reason is the other wife has no responsibility in this (please don't say she has as she did not keep her hubby in checks...) and I won't take responsibility for what could follow. She could kill herself, this could ruin their kids, etc. Have seen such things in the community where I live...

 

It was my wife's choice to cheat so this is between her and I. I don't see keeping the other guy busy with hell at his home as protecting my couple. Only thing I see protecting our couple is us finding happiness together again. I know some of you will find that naive but I don't believe in forcing other people do things they don't want to do. You just push them in the other direction.

 

That is actually very selfish and self centered.

 

The OMs W has the right to know the state of her marriage and to know what her H is doing behind her back such as exposing her to STDs etc.

 

We have to assume their A is continuing unabated and you are a coconspirator and enabling her H to cheat on her.

 

As I said before, in able to put the brakes on this, you must be ready, willing and able to upset the fruit cart.

[fellini]

First of the the root of the problem is your wife, nothing else.

 

You have some serious problems because she does not respect NC. NC for her means "don't get caught, again." This is not NC.

 

NC only works if she wants NC, not because you asked for it.

 

I actually don't think she really does need to leave her job because she has already connected and refuses to disconnect. If she takes a job elsewhere she will call hi if that is what she wants to do.

 

If she wants, really wants NC, then staying in her job should not influence her going NC save they share an office. Depends on how much contact you should normally expect in the routine of work. But when you combine her refusal to leave with her actual issue, refusal to really respect, believe in, or want NC then your problem is your spouse, not her workplace.

[oldshirt]

If she does not cut off contact with the other guy 100%, there is NO WAY you are going to heal.

 

And when you told her to leave, she doesn't get to refuse. She has to start doing what you want, unreservedly, forever.

 

No way in a million years I'd put up with what you are.

 

Not only that, she is unable to devote herself to the marriage as long as she is still in contact with OM. As long as they are still in contact her heart and her sexuality are still with him.

 

And that is correct that she cannot refuse what you do. She cannot refuse to be divorced if you divorce her. You are letting her dictate her terms to you.

 

Stop that.

[jbrent890]

If she does not cut off contact with the other guy 100%, there is NO WAY you are going to heal.

 

And when you told her to leave, she doesn't get to refuse. She has to start doing what you want, unreservedly, forever.

 

No way in a million years I'd put up with what you are.

 

Not only is he not going to heal, the marriage is not going to heal. The one thing that was drilled into me by the cheating women on this website over the weekend is that most women do not go NC after D Day, which solidifies the notion that if you catch your spouse in an affair, you need to divorce them. I gurantee at some level your wife and AP still have a relationship. Also, old shirt is right, you need to get the paternity of that child tested. Judging from your wife's history and lack of remorse, I can see her leading you to believe that this child is yours when it's not. Even if it is yours,mi think it's very convenient that now she gets pregnant. Her way of making sure that you are not going anywhere. Lastly, dude you have caught your wife cheating on you three times. She keeps doing this because she doesn't respect you and sadly bro, it seems you have no respect for yourself. After a while you just have to say enough is enough. I can understand taking her back after the first occurrence, but 2 and 3. My man you should have been gone.

[elaine567]

I think you are desperate to hold on to this marriage, your toddler, your unborn child and this woman and so you almost willing to do anything to keep them.

You are not rocking boats, you do not want paternity tests, you are not going to tell the OM's wife, you are not going to force her to go NC, you are not going to demand she give up her job, in case it all blows up in your face.

However I do not think you are protecting yourself enough here.

 

You may think you are keeping all the balls spinning in the air, but she could ruin all your plans if she decides to leave one day and shack up with the OM.

I would consult a divorce lawyer here and take steps to protect your assets, This may not come to divorce, but it may do.

She is miles ahead of you, and you have to consider that, she and the OM have had months to think and potentially plan.

This may just be an A based on sex or fantasy, but it could be an exit affair.

She may just be stringing you along here.

Be prepared for anything.

[Buckeye2]

I think you are desperate to hold on to this marriage, your toddler, your unborn child and this woman and so you almost willing to do anything to keep them.

 

You are not rocking boats, you do not want paternity tests, you are not going to tell the OM's wife, you are not going to force her to go NC, you are not going to demand she give up her job, in case it all blows up in your face.

 

You may think you are keeping all the balls spinning in the air, but she could ruin all your plans if she decides to leave one day and shack up with the OM.

 

Technically you’re married to her but the way things are the OM is more of a husband to her than you are. You’re just their babysitter. Your wife is pregnant and the OM is in no position to take her in. That’s why she tolerates your whining.

 

DNA your toddler. You can tell your wife or not. Buy a kit at WalMart, Amazon or about any drug store for $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and the kids with a Q-tip. Send the kit to a lab with $130 more.

[Mr. Lucky]

- She does not have full remorse indeed. She has from the perspective of the pain inflicted to me, but not taking the perspective of how in the end the affair has brought us closer. This is sick logic in my opinion but it’s hers.

 

Wow, just when you think you've heard everything, along comes "I did it for us, all 3 times (!!!), so we could be closer together".

 

First of the the root of the problem is your wife, nothing else.

 

Respectfully, I think the root of the problem is him, the only person he can control in this entire mess.

 

OP, you've received some hard-earned tough love in this thread. I hope you take the advice to heart. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aliveagain]

You will not save this marriage until you can show her that you are ready to let go of it. You are acting out of fear, the fear of loosing your marriage. You need to look at this in another light, she already left when she brought other man into your relationship. Your situation isn't unique, all the men responding to you have been where you are now and are doing their best to stop you from making the same painful mistakes we made.

 

Your in it 100%, she's only in 50%, other man has the rest. One of you has to go, seriously. She can not work with O/M because she can't be trusted with him, how much more proof do you need? Why are you leaving the fate of your marriage to someone that makes bad decisions regarding the marriage and has no respect for marriage boundaries? Since you can't control her you need to make decisions that you are in control of.

 

You can take yourself out of infidelity anytime you want. Please talk to a lawyer about your rights because this may not end the way you want. You are way too quick to forgive, she needs to do the necessary work to earn forgiveness, I don't think she believes you will ever leave her so she is calling the shots and doing what she wants. Weakness is not an attractive trait. O/M defying your demand to stop all contact with her makes him appear strong, you weaker yet. Call his wife, expose them, prove him wrong. I will bet money your wife will be under the bus the same afternoon. Withholding the affair from his wife makes you an accomplice, she deserves to know the truth. Once he knows your wife and all her baggage is available, she won't be as intriguing to him. He will consider the financial cost of child support, spousal support and equity splitting and fight to save his a$$.

 

What you were doing before didn't work, you need to do something much more drastic or guess what you can expect more of? Your best predictor of your future with her is to look at your history together. Tell her she is free to be with O/M, just not as your wife. Put your demands on the table in writing and be 100% ready to defend them. If she is unwilling to agree to them isn't it better to know now than 5 years from now?

[SawtoothMars]

So here I am waiting for something to happen at her work (I won't ultimatum her as don't think it shows love) and periodically seeking comfort from her while her patience is wearing thin as I am very demanding (I have my own issues...). She is affectionate and we spend good times together but ghosts of the past sometimes feel overwhelmingly present.

Not sure anyone can help but at least sharing does already.

Thanks

C.

 

You need WAY more help than any guy I've seen on this forum in years!

 

Don't take this the wrong way... but you come across as a complete doormat and weenie. I think your wife would have to be a lesbian to be happily married to you. You are chronically afraid of everything and totally unable to tell her no.

 

Please believe me when I say this... If you really want to save your marriage, then you MUST be willing to lose it! I really don't care what your financial picture looks like with a baby on the way. She HAS to quit her job. Just put your darn foot down like any other guy would do. She will kick up a fit like a 2 year old because it will be the first time ever that you stand up for yourself.

 

Women like confident men. Women HATE men that wont stand up for themselves... and they will treat you the same way a shark treats a wounded seal. You need to 180 super fast!

[cs2015]

Wow, just when you think you've heard everything, along comes "I did it for us, all 3 times (!!!), so we could be closer together".

 

 

 

Respectfully, I think the root of the problem is him, the only person he can control in this entire mess.

 

OP, you've received some hard-earned tough love in this thread. I hope you take the advice to heart. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes tough messages indeed!

 

To clarify a few points:

- toddler is mine, we got medical help for conception...

- I have for some time "spied" on her comms including deleted elements. This is how I found out for her relapse during a work trip when things were still very fresh (this was 6 months ago now). I then saw she was putting distance and cut off non work interaction. So she says she went NC apart from work stuff. I do agree I cannot have certainty on that (and will not even if she resigns) and that then seeing each other at work is abnormal

- I do know the coming baby is mine. She has accepted paternity test and I would resort to that if I had doubts. To be clear yes there was 4 weeks without encounters even at work. I know it for a fact (ie not from her...)

- our marriage was heading to a wall even before she cheated, just nether of us wanted to see it and this was due to our own problems. This is why we are seeing both therapists and working on our issues. Maybe some of you will disagree but I do see that as proof of her willingness to work on herself and our couple

- understand the arguments for outing to the wife but sorry that's just not me

 

Finally yes, 3 times cheating may seem a non starter to many of you. But our marriage was already in a dark place and we have been working to heal it. She owes nothing to me and I owe nothing to her. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes but I believe we both want the same thing which is to heal our couple. I have no doubt if she wanted to leave me for the OM she would. From what I gathered from snooping that was his wish.

 

C.

[jbrent890]

Yes tough messages indeed!

 

To clarify a few points:

- toddler is mine, we got medical help for conception...

- I have for some time "spied" on her comms including deleted elements. This is how I found out for her relapse during a work trip when things were still very fresh (this was 6 months ago now). I then saw she was putting distance and cut off non work interaction. So she says she went NC apart from work stuff. I do agree I cannot have certainty on that (and will not even if she resigns) and that then seeing each other at work is abnormal

- I do know the coming baby is mine. She has accepted paternity test and I would resort to that if I had doubts. To be clear yes there was 4 weeks without encounters even at work. I know it for a fact (ie not from her...)

- our marriage was heading to a wall even before she cheated, just nether of us wanted to see it and this was due to our own problems. This is why we are seeing both therapists and working on our issues. Maybe some of you will disagree but I do see that as proof of her willingness to work on herself and our couple

- understand the arguments for outing to the wife but sorry that's just not me

 

Finally yes, 3 times cheating may seem a non starter to many of you. But our marriage was already in a dark place and we have been working to heal it. She owes nothing to me and I owe nothing to her. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes but I believe we both want the same thing which is to heal our couple. I have no doubt if she wanted to leave me for the OM she would. From what I gathered from snooping that was his wish.

 

C.

 

My man, at this point, I don't think you can call her repeated actions mistakes anymore. This is pathological for your wife and to make matters worse is that you shown repeatedly that this behavior is acceptable.

[cozycottagelg]

So is it safe to say, that if her co-workers wife had found out before you, you'd rather that she kept that to herself, leaving you in the dark?

 

I'm genuinely asking.

[sandylee1]

So the OM wanted her to leave you and she didn't?

His wife deserves to know her husband wanted your wife. You are in a really weak position, as you have no power this relationship.

 

You're afraid OM divorcing will enable him to go after your wife. I'm sorry but that is not what a marriage should be. It never stopped him going after her before, so why now? You won't tell his wife, so what consequences has he had? I get that your wife is responsible, but he knew she was married too. Two people are involved in an affair and so far none of them have had any consequences. That's down to you.

 

It's your marriage, but look at the consistent advice you've received.

I'm not sure how far the pregnancy is, but can she resign once she has the baby?

 

Do you have a dealbreaker in your marriage?

What will be the final straw?

 

She could easily have another phone to communicate with him?