Found out yesterday wife is cheating

[AMM2015]

Blown away. I couldn't even pretend that I didn't find the text messages. I lost it. This has been the most difficult 24 hours of my entire life.

 

She's been talking to this guy for about 6 months. Visits him, goes for walks, and she claims they have done absolutely nothing physical. I would never in a million years believe that, for starters I can't believe this is even happening, except for the fact that in my detective work exposing this, I found a recent email with them discussing how happy they are that they are able to spend time together without either one of them making physical advances. She claims that she has kissed him a few times. None of the hundreds of texts mention anything physically flirty or sexual. Of course being a man, I still don't buy it.

 

I know that Emotional Affairs can exist without getting physical, but I just can't get past this part and I don't believe it. I know that a lot of people feel like Emotional Affairs are more devastating than physical ones, but I don't know about that for me. I feel like if I knew for sure they were having sex, it would be 100 times more tragic for me. Not saying that I'm not still crushed, and I don't know what I'll do with my life now. I still love her. I want to be SUPER angry at her, but I'm more just crushed and hurt. I can't even imagine how I'm going to go back to work on Monday. I have an extremely busy week, and the thought of it with this on my mind seems beyond impossible. Thanks for listening. Feel free to ask any questions that you think might be good for me to be thinking about.

 

I'll add that I certainly don't feel like I'm a perfect husband, but I thought things were pretty good, but maybe I was in denial. She feels that I'm too controlling and that I talk down to her too much. I'm not saying that I'm never guilty of that, but she has also had depression and low self esteem her entire life. I've stuck by her through so much of this mental health stuff, but part of me is blaming myself for this, which I know is another one of those things they say you should never do.

[aliveagain]

Emotional affairs can be far worse, she gave her heart to him. She took time and emotions that should be yours and gave them freely to another man. While you put 100% into your marriage she is only in it 50% because O/M has the rest. Six months is a long time to give your heart to someone without it affecting your relationship with your spouse.

 

 

Cheaters are liars, assume the worst, get tested for STD's anyway. The humiliation she suffers is a consequence. You should talk to a lawyer because you still don't know how this will end. Expose them to his wife, she needs to know what is going on so she can decide her future and that of her marriage.

 

 

Have her send a no contact letter, read and approved by you to the other man. No contact with other man ever. Take your time to decide what it is that you want, she has shown you her choices.

[AMM2015]

Emotional affairs can be far worse, she gave her heart to him. She took time and emotions that should be yours and gave them freely to another man. While you put 100% into your marriage she is only in it 50% because O/M has the rest. Six months is a long time to give your heart to someone without it affecting your relationship with your spouse.

 

 

Cheaters are liars, assume the worst, get tested for STD's anyway. The humiliation she suffers is a consequence. You should talk to a lawyer because you still don't know how this will end. Expose them to his wife, she needs to know what is going on so she can decide her future and that of her marriage.

 

 

Have her send a no contact letter, read and approved by you to the other man. No contact with other man ever. Take your time to decide what it is that you want, she has shown you her choices.

 

Helpful post. Thank you.

[Satu]

Take any criticisms of you from her with a pinch of salt.

 

"I did it because I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me," is pretty standard justification, and an attempt to shift the blame onto you.

 

You aren't perfect. Nobody is, but don't buy into the excuses.

[AMM2015]

Take any criticisms of you from her with a pinch of salt.

 

"I did it because I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me," is pretty standard justification, and an attempt to shift the blame onto you.

 

You aren't perfect. Nobody is, but don't buy into the excuses.

 

TRUST ME, I am not making excuses for her, but I want to point out that since this was exposed yesterday, she hasn't been throwing any of my faults at me. I was just reflecting on things that we've had problems with in the past.

[AMM2015]

Our sex life during this time was as normal, I should say good as it ever has been. I thought at first that was at least a good sign, but the more I'm reading about all of this, I guess not.

[Ronnie33]

I was in an EA with a coworker for 6 months without even realizing it. I thought we had just become good friends. We told eachother everything going on in our lives but there was no flirting or anything physical for 6 months and then I realized my feelings had changed and so had his. We kissed for the first time two months after admitting how we felt. Every time we crossed a boundary it got easier. The first meeting up alone, kiss, etc. You finding out now will hopefully stop anything else from happening because it would have progressed. 6 months in and she probably thinks she's in love with him. I'm not saying she is but emotional affairs I think are worse because people become so connected and feel like that person is their bestfriend. It becomes a hard habit to break like an addiction of the mind. If I was you I would demand her to cut all ties with him immediately and give you access to everything. I can tell you as a MW who is in the process of ending an almost two year affair and separating from her husband that if she thinks she can still get away with talking to him she will try.

[Ronnie33]

Our sex life during this time was as normal, I should say good as it ever has been. I thought at first that was at least a good sign, but the more I'm reading about all of this, I guess not.

 

That's because she was getting turned on by him and coming home to you. I'm just giving you the MW point of view to help you understand. I'm not trying to upset you.

[Satu]

TRUST ME, I am not making excuses for her, but I want to point out that since this was exposed yesterday, she hasn't been throwing any of my faults at me. I was just reflecting on things that we've had problems with in the past.

 

Thats good, but do remember that the responsibility for what she did lies 100% with her. Nobody made her do what she did.

[AMM2015]

Thats good, but do remember that the responsibility for what she did lies 100% with her. Nobody made her do what she did.

 

Absolutely

[AMM2015]

That's because she was getting turned on by him and coming home to you. I'm just giving you the MW point of view to help you understand. I'm not trying to upset you.

 

I understand. It just seems crazy to me that it would be physical because he's 10 years older than her, not a successful guy AT ALL, and he is nowhere near attractive. Having said all of that, it actually makes me feel worse about the whole thing. ESPECIALLY if it was physical.

[Ronnie33]

I understand. It just seems crazy to me that it would be physical because he's 10 years older than her, not a successful guy AT ALL, and he is nowhere near attractive. Having said all of that, it actually makes me feel worse about the whole thing. ESPECIALLY if it was physical.

 

Most of the time affairs happen because of opportunity. Most aren't planned and in all honesty your wife's probably wasn't either. I don't know how she knows this guy or their history but somehow they bonded over something, started sharing and confiding and next thing you know she is seeing him as this guy who is suddenly looking better. I think if anything more physical then kissing happened you would have seen it in texts. Sexting becomes a big part of affairs.

[Hardgrind]

Amm2015, I am divorcing my WS who had an affair with a man 10 years older than me. By her own admission he isn't much. He is a serial cheater, terrible finances because he is twice divorced, but she couldn't/wouldn't end her relationship with him.

 

 

First, don't fall for any "we are back to being just friends" talk. Doesn't work that way.

 

 

Second, it really isn't a comparison of you versus him. It is all about your WW and how having an affair makes her feel versus how being in a secure but less exciting marriage makes her feel.

 

 

Odds are she will want to keep both relationships, which is the worst possible outcome for you. Make sure she understands that this will not happen.

 

 

Also you both need time to decide the path forward. Don't feel locked into how you feel about the M today. She needs to demonstrate sustained commitment to the M, as do you if R is going to work. One of you may feel differently 3 months from now than you do today.

[AMM2015]

So when I found this out yesterday, I sent this guy 1 text. It read: "This is her husband. I know what's going on. It stops now. You just ruined the lives of three young kids" That last part might come off as dramatic, but I wanted some kind of emotion to be in the text. Should I send another text about being serious that he better not come around my family or contact my wife? I realize this would have to be VERY carefully worded so that it could never be interpreted as a threat.

[Ronnie33]

Is he married? If he is you should tell his wife, if not your wife needs to also tell him to not contact her again and that whatever they had is over.

[AMM2015]

Is he married? If he is you should tell his wife, if not your wife needs to also tell him to not contact her again and that whatever they had is over.

 

He's divorced with two kids.

[atreides]

I responded in the other forum and again very sorry.

 

so it matters if it got physical; To me an affair is an affair, an EA = PA that prior either got caught, fizzled or some event caused a "failure before launch" other than internet situations but i would say those are physical, but i will leave that for another time.

 

Point being, she betrayed you in either case.

 

your wife admits to kissing, that usually means more. I agree with your assessment of it was likely physical but you need to come to terms with betrayal is betrayal and an affair is an affair. To those texts that say they can be close without touching seem contrived and setup, just too fishy for me. I mean who talks like that?

[Satu]

So when I found this out yesterday, I sent this guy 1 text. It read: "This is her husband. I know what's going on. It stops now. You just ruined the lives of three young kids" That last part might come off as dramatic, but I wanted some kind of emotion to be in the text. Should I send another text about being serious that he better not come around my family or contact my wife? I realize this would have to be VERY carefully worded so that it could never be interpreted as a threat.

 

I would leave it with that one text. It says exactly what needed to be said.

 

He'll get the point.

[atreides]

your wife needs to write and or call with you present to say no contact.

She also should not get any closure, that is BS for taking whatever they have underground.

 

She is in denial and is gaslighting you based on you post in the other forum where she thinks you are being ridiculous. Quite the opposite, it is ridiculous to confide in someone whom you call a jerk.

[Rainbowlove]

I understand. It just seems crazy to me that it would be physical because he's 10 years older than her, not a successful guy AT ALL, and he is nowhere near attractive. Having said all of that, it actually makes me feel worse about the whole thing. ESPECIALLY if it was physical.

 

For her to turn away from you emotionally and connect with the OM, she emotionally disconnected from you sometime ago and probably didn't realize it.

 

Then in walks OM, it's not about looks. He pays her some attention. He notices her. They talk, it's easy. They laugh, they share, they enjoy feeling open with someone who breathes new air into their lungs.

 

Before they know it, they have completely disconnected from their partner and attached to new person. They didn't even see it coming until BAM full blow EA.

 

The problems in your relationship with your wife are deeper than this man. Im very sorry to say.

 

That doesn't mean it can't be salvaged, it just means the road is long and heavy.

 

Be vigilant. Be aware of what she's doing and how she is behaving. Is she too happy? She's talking to him. Demand transparency. Be firm.

 

Truth is only she can end it, but you have choices too.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting this way and have to endure this awful experience.

[AMM2015]

For her to turn away from you emotionally and connect with the OM, she emotionally disconnected from you sometime ago and probably didn't realize it.

 

Then in walks OM, it's not about looks. He pays her some attention. He notices her. They talk, it's easy. They laugh, they share, they enjoy feeling open with someone who breathes new air into their lungs.

 

Before they know it, they have completely disconnected from their partner and attached to new person. They didn't even see it coming until BAM full blow EA.

 

The problems in your relationship with your wife are deeper than this man. Im very sorry to say.

 

That doesn't mean it can't be salvaged, it just means the road is long and heavy.

 

Be vigilant. Be aware of what she's doing and how she is behaving. Is she too happy? She's talking to him. Demand transparency. Be firm.

 

Truth is only she can end it, but you have choices too.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting this way and have to endure this awful experience.

 

Thank you. Good post.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, your dilemma as to whether it was a PA or an EA is unimportant. As you begin to gain some emotional clarity over this, through NC or LC, the fact that your wife is in no position to be in a mature, loving relationship will become paramount.

 

No matter what her stance is to this recent exposure, the two of you are going to need to be apart from each other. My advice would be to begin actively working towards that.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it was me, first thing is I wouldn't believe one word out of her mouth. She said it wasn't physical. She kissed him. she lied. A kiss is physical so right there she was trying to blow smoke up your pant leg.

 

Second thing I would do is let her know you set up a polygraph test and she's going to take it. She gives you a hard time then she's hiding something and you let her know that it's either the poly or divorce and you let her know it in a way that she understands that she's on real thin ice and your holding the hammer and if she brings up the controlling crap again, let her know that she hasn't seen nothing yet.

 

Look, she's the one that created this mess. Maybe your not husband of the year material but she isn't wife of the year either and she's the one that had to do the repair job on the marriage not you. She stepped out of line and now she has to pay the piper for it. Don't back track on her or you'll get the same thing again down the road.

[whichwayisup]

Blown away. I couldn't even pretend that I didn't find the text messages. I lost it. This has been the most difficult 24 hours of my entire life.

 

She's been talking to this guy for about 6 months. Visits him, goes for walks, and she claims they have done absolutely nothing physical. I would never in a million years believe that, for starters I can't believe this is even happening, except for the fact that in my detective work exposing this, I found a recent email with them discussing how happy they are that they are able to spend time together without either one of them making physical advances. She claims that she has kissed him a few times. None of the hundreds of texts mention anything physically flirty or sexual. Of course being a man, I still don't buy it.

 

I know that Emotional Affairs can exist without getting physical, but I just can't get past this part and I don't believe it. I know that a lot of people feel like Emotional Affairs are more devastating than physical ones, but I don't know about that for me. I feel like if I knew for sure they were having sex, it would be 100 times more tragic for me. Not saying that I'm not still crushed, and I don't know what I'll do with my life now. I still love her. I want to be SUPER angry at her, but I'm more just crushed and hurt. I can't even imagine how I'm going to go back to work on Monday. I have an extremely busy week, and the thought of it with this on my mind seems beyond impossible. Thanks for listening. Feel free to ask any questions that you think might be good for me to be thinking about.

 

I'll add that I certainly don't feel like I'm a perfect husband, but I thought things were pretty good, but maybe I was in denial. She feels that I'm too controlling and that I talk down to her too much. I'm not saying that I'm never guilty of that, but she has also had depression and low self esteem her entire life. I've stuck by her through so much of this mental health stuff, but part of me is blaming myself for this, which I know is another one of those things they say you should never do.

 

Her choosing to go outside of the marriage and have an affair is NOT your fault. Not at all!! What you are responsible for are the issues in your marriage. It was up to her on how she handled it. You didn't go off and cheat on her while coping with and dealing with depression and mental health issues. You stood by her and supported her, looked after her.

 

Yup, own your part in the problems you two have, but that's it. Cheating is all on her.

 

Ask her to get an STD test done, and tell her she better HOPE to god that it comes back clean and negative. She may not have had physical sex, but they could have fooled around, touched and had oral... Either way it is wrong.

[whichwayisup]

I understand. It just seems crazy to me that it would be physical because he's 10 years older than her, not a successful guy AT ALL, and he is nowhere near attractive. Having said all of that, it actually makes me feel worse about the whole thing. ESPECIALLY if it was physical.

 

He fed her ego. Fed a need that you couldn't meet. For whatever reason, this guy made her weak in the knees and made her feel young, alive and exciting. She more than likely isn't "in love" with him, more like addicted to how he makes her feel. It's not about you, this is all about her.

 

Is she remorseful? Is she willing to end it and go complete NC with him? From now on she must be an open book to you, giving you access to her email, facebook and any other social media, as well as her cell.