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3 months later and where I am at.


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I posted back in December with my story. Everything is here I know it has been a long time but I was waiting for that moment when something had changed. That moment has come but not in the way I expected and not enough of a change to be considered anything positive.

 

After the sound but well deserved beating I recieved here I sought a new job that would be enough to support me and my children making divorce for my husband not be as much of a burden. I am now financially independant of him and would not need a cent should our marriage end because of me. With that said our marriage has not ended nor has there been any talks of divorce since I last posted. Good or bad we are still together and making descision together. We are a couple.

 

As to MM. We still communicate back and forth from time to time. We hugged breifly before Christmas but that is as far as we have went. I do not feel the pull towards him I once felt nor do I find him as attractive. But I fear my reason for this is not good. I truly am a very broken person or in fact evil. But I am choosing to make good descision everyday. Though I know everyone would that I go NC with MM. But my choice is to let it die a natural death. Forcing NC failed for me. Perhaps this alternative fits me better.

 

So, I am afraid I have nothing good to share or at least what everyone was hoping for. That I would either divorce my husband or go NC with MM. But I do feel I am in a better place even though it doesn't mean much to those reading this. And I am enjoying my growing detatchment to MM. Though I question the "why".

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VeryBrokenMan

It might be working for you but I can assure you that from the other side it is the most damaging thing you could be doing. I know in my heart I would split if my WW broke NC. The only thing I can tell you is that if you want your marriage to work it needs to be NC from today on.

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after you break it off, you come out of the affair fog, and you start seeing things like they really are. when you were in the fog, he was the hottest guy in the world, he understood you more than anyone ever has, you were soul mates....and on and on. when the chemical doping going on in your brain stopped, you noticed he was a little overweight, the sex was not as fabulous as you remembered it being, he was a bit of an ahole.....

 

 

so yes, keep that in mind next time you are tempted to start up an affair....the fog part only lasts a short while.

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Simple, you will never recover the feelings that you had for your BH or recover your marriage as long as you continue to break NC.

 

 

As to your OM.

 

 

How can you place value on a man that lies, steals, cheats, destroys the lives of his OW/WW?

 

 

These are not the traits of a good man, husband, father.

 

 

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

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after you break it off, you come out of the affair fog, and you start seeing things like they really are. when you were in the fog, he was the hottest guy in the world, he understood you more than anyone ever has, you were soul mates....and on and on. when the chemical doping going on in your brain stopped, you noticed he was a little overweight, the sex was not as fabulous as you remembered it being, he was a bit of an ahole.....

 

 

so yes, keep that in mind next time you are tempted to start up an affair....the fog part only lasts a short while.

 

In my previous post I wrote the whole story down in all its ugliness. There is no fog excuse label that can be applied to me. I was attracted MM but I always saw his physical faults. Nor would I ever want to be with MM. His character flaws far surpass my own. Should I find myself single I wll remain so because I am no good for decent guys but neither would I wish for a committed relationship with the type of men I deserve.

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Simple, you will never recover the feelings that you had for your BH or recover your marriage as long as you continue to break NC.

 

 

As to your OM.

 

 

How can you place value on a man that lies, steals, cheats, destroys the lives of his OW/WW?

 

 

These are not the traits of a good man, husband, father.

 

 

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

 

I have never lost feelings for my husband. I really have no more of an explanation for why I continue contact with MM even now when my heart isn't in it. Please read my posts from my previous thread if you want to know more.

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IMO I think you need to make the tough choice and end the marriage. Still contacting your AP after D Day just shows that you don't care. End the marriage and work on yourself. I think you and I can both agree that your husband deserves better.

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Would you start up another physical relationship with the MM if he pressed for it?

 

I do not know. The one hug was very awkward for me and I feel no desire for him to touch me. But I do not trust myself to say a firm no.

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purplesorrow
I do not know. The one hug was very awkward for me and I feel no desire for him to touch me. But I do not trust myself to say a firm no.

 

This is what you should focus and work on. If this isn't resolved, there is no point working on the marriage. It won't survive.

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This is what you should focus and work on. If this isn't resolved, there is no point working on the marriage. It won't survive.

 

I am not working on my marriage but merely living it. There is really nothing to work on that I can see. We have sex enough for both of us, resolve our arguements swiftly, we enjoy each others company and spend most of our free time as a family or even just the two of us. My life with him is everything I have ever wanted.

 

I really don't know how to explain it but it is like there are two of me. The one me is disgusted by my behaviour and the behaviour of other cheaters. I recently watched into the woods and felt such disgust with the Baker's wife and the prince. I hated what they were doing to the Baker and Cinderella. But the other me was completely turned on and wanted the kiss. I don't like the me that finds pleasure in infidelity. But I cannot lie and pretend that I am 100% repulsed by it. I find it sexy and disgusting and so very confusing to live with.

 

Cheating has an appeal to me that I really wish it didn't. Because I feel such pain over the anguish it causes and such disgust for those of us who partake of the forbidden fruit. How can I find pleasure in something that beings so much pain? That is why I know I am very broken or in fact evil. It is the only thing that explains it.

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Why does your husband want to stay. Have you asked him that?

 

Yes, but no one here would believe his answer or they would judge him harshly for it.

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HereNorThere
I am not working on my marriage but merely living it. There is really nothing to work on that I can see. We have sex enough for both of us, resolve our arguements swiftly, we enjoy each others company and spend most of our free time as a family or even just the two of us. My life with him is everything I have ever wanted.

 

I really don't know how to explain it but it is like there are two of me. The one me is disgusted by my behaviour and the behaviour of other cheaters. I recently watched into the woods and felt such disgust with the Baker's wife and the prince. I hated what they were doing to the Baker and Cinderella. But the other me was completely turned on and wanted the kiss. I don't like the me that finds pleasure in infidelity. But I cannot lie and pretend that I am 100% repulsed by it. I find it sexy and disgusting and so very confusing to live with.

 

Cheating has an appeal to me that I really wish it didn't. Because I feel such pain over the anguish it causes and such disgust for those of us who partake of the forbidden fruit. How can I find pleasure in something that beings so much pain? That is why I know I am very broken or in fact evil. It is the only thing that explains it.

 

 

If you know this about yourself, what type of therapist are you seeing? What does the therapist tell you about this type of behavior?

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If you know this about yourself, what type of therapist are you seeing? What does the therapist tell you about this type of behavior?

 

The psychiatrist I saw told me to remain focused on my husband and that we were a team against the world. That if I did that my feelings for MM would disappear. My desire for illicit sex would seep away because I would be feeding the healthy me. He also told me my depression was severe and I could not make big changes in my life until I had that under control. When I did I was dismissed from therapy and referred to a counselor. At the time I thought that I had no feelings for MM left. I had only my husband left for a friend and I believed that we were us against the world. With me not working as much we could not afford any paid therapy and so I did not go to counseling.

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purplesorrow
The psychiatrist I saw told me to remain focused on my husband and that we were a team against the world. That if I did that my feelings for MM would disappear. My desire for illicit sex would seep away because I would be feeding the healthy me. He also told me my depression was severe and I could not make big changes in my life until I had that under control. When I did I was dismissed from therapy and referred to a counselor. At the time I thought that I had no feelings for MM left. I had only my husband left for a friend and I believed that we were us against the world. With me not working as much we could not afford any paid therapy and so I did not go to counseling.

 

Your therapist should have been there for you, not your husband. Was this MC? If you can not afford a better therapist, are there any support groups in your area?

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In my previous post I wrote the whole story down in all its ugliness. There is no fog excuse label that can be applied to me. I was attracted MM but I always saw his physical faults. Nor would I ever want to be with MM. His character flaws far surpass my own. Should I find myself single I wll remain so because I am no good for decent guys but neither would I wish for a committed relationship with the type of men I deserve.

 

It is a well known fact that broken people affair down, they find affair partners that have more issues than themselves so they can feel better about themselves. I guess the type of man you deserve would be bad for your children, maybe really bad for your children. You can punish yourself all you want by seeking out the dregs of humanity, don't put your children through it. Maybe you feel you don't deserve someone like their father in your life because your doing everything you can to destroy that. Who would you want raising your children, O/M or your husband? Are you in some subconscious way trying to make their life as dysfunctional as yours was?

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I posted back in December with my story. Everything is here I know it has been a long time but I was waiting for that moment when something had changed. That moment has come but not in the way I expected and not enough of a change to be considered anything positive.

 

After the sound but well deserved beating I recieved here I sought a new job that would be enough to support me and my children making divorce for my husband not be as much of a burden. I am now financially independant of him and would not need a cent should our marriage end because of me. With that said our marriage has not ended nor has there been any talks of divorce since I last posted. Good or bad we are still together and making descision together. We are a couple.

 

As to MM. We still communicate back and forth from time to time. We hugged breifly before Christmas but that is as far as we have went. I do not feel the pull towards him I once felt nor do I find him as attractive. But I fear my reason for this is not good. I truly am a very broken person or in fact evil. But I am choosing to make good descision everyday. Though I know everyone would that I go NC with MM. But my choice is to let it die a natural death. Forcing NC failed for me. Perhaps this alternative fits me better.

 

So, I am afraid I have nothing good to share or at least what everyone was hoping for. That I would either divorce my husband or go NC with MM. But I do feel I am in a better place even though it doesn't mean much to those reading this. And I am enjoying my growing detatchment to MM. Though I question the "why".

 

"But I am choosing to make good descision everyday"

 

As part of those good descision making is your husband aware of your continued contact with you OM?

 

If not, or he knows and isn't in agreement then your A has never truly ended.

 

However you are seemingly in a fog and have not described any real desire to be with your H as you are preparing for life on your own/independent. Perhaps you are stalemated and YOU need to make the next move.

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Your therapist should have been there for you, not your husband. Was this MC? If you can not afford a better therapist, are there any support groups in your area?

 

I saw an licensed psychiatrist because of my suicide attempt. My husband I never made it to marriage counselling. We live in a rather remote area and god counsellors without a religeous agenda are hard to come by. We have spiritual beliefs ourself but do not feel divorce is a sin. We may be able to afford IC now but I am afraid I feel it would be a waste of our money. As to support groups there isn't much.

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[/b]

 

It is a well known fact that broken people affair down, they find affair partners that have more issues than themselves so they can feel better about themselves. I guess the type of man you deserve would be bad for your children, maybe really bad for your children. You can punish yourself all you want by seeking out the dregs of humanity, don't put your children through it. Maybe you feel you don't deserve someone like their father in your life because your doing everything you can to destroy that. Who would you want raising your children, O/M or your husband? Are you in some subconscious way trying to make their life as dysfunctional as yours was?

 

It is because of my children that I would never have a legitimate relationship with men like MM. He is a full time father himself but you can see his daughter's daddy issues easily. My children have a wonderful and involved father and do not need another one.

 

I did not have a dysfunctional life. I grew up with both my parents and we lived on a hobby farm. I had chores, did well in school, skipped messing around with boys and alcohol. I was never a rebellious teenager. There is nothing I can blame on my childhood nor would I want to if there was. I am an adult who makes my own descisions and even the horrid ones are all on me.

 

I did always feel like I was a bad person though. Or at least a very bad person was apart of who I am. I am not saying this to appear helpless. I very much believe I make my own choices. But while for many people it is easy to be good for me it isn't always that easy.

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Why tell us because I just can't see why he stays

 

I am here for a place to write it all down. You don't have to read my post and you don't have to know why he stays. I have taken his answer to that at face value. I have no wish to hear speculation on his behaviour. He isn't here posting. He doesn't need to be judged.

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It is because of my children that I would never have a legitimate relationship with men like MM. He is a full time father himself but you can see his daughter's daddy issues easily. My children have a wonderful and involved father and do not need another one.

 

I did not have a dysfunctional life. I grew up with both my parents and we lived on a hobby farm. I had chores, did well in school, skipped messing around with boys and alcohol. I was never a rebellious teenager. There is nothing I can blame on my childhood nor would I want to if there was. I am an adult who makes my own descisions and even the horrid ones are all on me.

 

I did always feel like I was a bad person though. Or at least a very bad person was apart of who I am. I am not saying this to appear helpless. I very much believe I make my own choices. But while for many people it is easy to be good for me it isn't always that easy.

 

 

Just a question, are you bipolar? Have you ever been assessed? If you know what you are doing, why are you making such destructive choices if you don't want to loose your family? Your going to hurt a lot of people you love unless something significant changes.

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"But I am choosing to make good descision everyday"

 

As part of those good descision making is your husband aware of your continued contact with you OM?

 

If not, or he knows and isn't in agreement then your A has never truly ended.

 

However you are seemingly in a fog and have not described any real desire to be with your H as you are preparing for life on your own/independent. Perhaps you are stalemated and YOU need to make the next move.

 

My husband was aware of my continued contact before Christmas. I have not told him it has stopped and he has not asked. He isn't in agreement. My affair did end which you would know if you read my previous post. But was restarted just before Christmas as an EA only. Between that time we never spoke one word to each other or sent a single communication. I believed it was over forever and thought I was very happy about that.

 

I personally do not believe I am in a fog and really don't see how one could blame my horrid behaviour on that. I know my continued communication with him is very wrong and yet I continue it. I have no justifications for it. And I should stop, today. Send a N/C letter and be done with it.

 

The job isn't because I want to divorce. It was because in my previous post it was recommended I find one. That my husband may feel free to divorce if he knew I wouldn't be a financial burden. I just wanted to make his life easier and that was something I knew I could do and stick with. It was hard to find a job that paid the amount I needed but I found one. I also felt being busy and working out more might help me as well, and it has I think. But it has also brought its own problems with it as any big change does. The last reason is my previous job required me to work near MM several times a year. Though I always told my husband when that would be happening he hated being at home while he knew I would be in the same building as MM. I will never see MM at my new enviroment. It is an entirely different field.

 

I did happen chance to come accross MM while shopping a few weeks ago. I stopped and talked to him. I didn't know what to do when I got home but I told my husband in the end. It was idle chatter and that is what I told him. You do have to wonder why I would feel like I had to get a real life encounter off my chest and yet still communicate electronically with him. I suppose I am able to compartmentalize the emails better than real life.

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Just a question, are you bipolar? Have you ever been assessed? If you know what you are doing, why are you making such destructive choices if you don't want to loose your family? Your going to hurt a lot of people you love unless something significant changes.

 

When I was assessed bipolar was never mentioned. I agree though something has to change and that was why I waited to post again. I wanted to post about a big change and yet it has only been little changes. My husband and I talk through our differences more and apologize even faster. The new job has really changed our routine. When I don't hear from MM for a week or so I actually feel mostly relieved. I am not feeling the self loathing as much even though I know I should be because I do still communicate with MM. I guess we will see what the next three months hold for us.

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