Why am I so scared to divorce? <spouse cheating>

[flowergirl14]

I found out a couple years ago that my spouse of 19 yrs cheated on me. Also, that he is probably a serial cheater. Now I believe he is at it again. Every rational part of my being says that this behavior is unacceptable, disgusting, and I should put an end to it.

 

My emotional side says, he is loving, effectionate, provider for me and the kids, and a good father. I guess if was an a**hole to me or us abusive I would have gotten out. However, knowing someone is cheating just eats at my psyche. If he's not here I cry. Im anxious, depressed, irratable. I come from parents who were divorced multiple times. I never saw a succesful marriage. Ive actually been married longer than either of my parents.

 

I have seen the benefits of a 2 parent household. Its a huge worry breaking up a family. The kids would be blind sided. They think we are happy. I have started to think about what happiness means to me. Can I stay married knowing he continues to cheat? There are spouses who know that their spouse cheats and continue to stay. How do they do that? What kind of defense mechanism or wall do you have to build to cope ?

 

If i am so conflicted then i should probably divorce but it literally makes me cry and become depressed just thinking about it. Does their come a breaking point? Or are there a lot of spouses who just stay in limbo?

Edited March 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, clarify title and move to Infidelity forum

[Mr. Lucky]

Can I stay married knowing he continues to cheat? There are spouses who know that their spouse cheats and continue to stay. How do they do that? What kind of defense mechanism or wall do you have to build to cope ? If i am so conflicted then i should probably divorce but it literally makes me cry and become depressed just thinking about it. Does their come a breaking point? Or are there a lot of spouses who just stay in limbo?

 

I'm sure there are spouses (though probably not a lot) that just turn their heads and look the other way. I couldn't but some seem to.

 

With kids, different story. No one is a good enough actress to fool, day in and day out, those living under the same roof. The stress and tensions (look at your description of crying and being depressed) are seen and sensed by them and your dysfunctional marriage becomes their relationship model.

 

If you're not strong enough to do it for yourself, do it for them. The household you describe isn't one I'd want to grow up in...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveMyCat]

You are likely scared because it is a scary situation, with a scary decision to be made. You might benefit from counseling to help you with that. Some women (and men) can live with serial cheaters, though most couples probably split, either when they find out, or later on. It is an enormous block between two people that does not go away, without serious work and counseling, and the desire from both partners to make it work and stop the cheating behavior. If he does not wish to do the work, your household will be miserable-you can try to "cover up" for the sake of the kids but the tension will be felt by all.

 

Two-parent households are only the best for kids if the parents are committed and respectful to each other.

 

I know it is tough...I am recently separated after twenty years of marriage, but no kids involved and no cheating, as far as I know. But everything about my life, especially my health, improved since I moved out. And I would think that if I did have kids, even though a separation or divorce would be painful for them, that they would be getting a "better" me, once I was on my own with them.

[d0nnivain]

Change is always scary. The end of a marriage is more than just a break up. There are serious financial considerations & other people's feelings.

 

 

However, you can't stay. Your head knows this. And you know he won't change.

 

 

Start by getting yourself an STD test & some therapy. If the kids are teens they know more than you think. Start gathering info: how to establish credit in your own name; can you get a job; what are your rights re: custody & possible alimony; where would you live etc. As you get stronger things will fall into place.

[flowergirl14]

I have developed great coping skills. I always try and find the good in everyday. Pulling the pin on the grenade and blowing up the household(even though I know he is not worthy) is tough.

[Tayla]

In what way is deception and ill regard not abuse? Doesn't have to be physical

to be abuse. Think about it.

 

The bright side is simple- You are giving consent moving forward for his behavior.

[beach]

I also had a long term M and discovered my spouse most likely cheated most of the M.

 

I wanted my peace of mind - I wanted to stop betraying myself with the lies I had to tell myself in order to stay married. I wanted to break free of all the pretending and deception!

 

And it's feels so good...really good to honor myself now.

 

Do you work? Can you set money aside that you call your own?

 

Can you make decisions based on your best interest?

 

What can you begin doing that allows you the freedom of peace of mind?

[TashaTudor]

I was in a long marriage and was cheated on throughout. I kept holding on because of the 2 parent household belief also. I wanted so badly to be the perfect stay at home mom in suburbia keeping house with the successful corporate husband.

 

While building this fairytale, I chose to overlook so many things that didn't add up. I made excuses for him and the marriage. I just didn't want to really see the reality of the marriage. My sensibility told me that this man had a whole other life going on. Crying myself to sleep. The lies even start to take a toll on your health.

 

I know exactly the point you are at. I can say at some point, this thing with your husband will bust wide open whether you choose it or not. You can either confront it or just wait it out , which could take years. Some people live with it, which I feel would take some incredibly strong personal constitution. How awful to live in a marriage of constant betrayal.

 

Maybe try suggesting counseling. Talk to your families. I wish you the best of luck and a speedy resolution.

[darkmoon]

if you leave, ok, but please make plans, i have known divorces get ugly, get a good lawyer cuz he will too, think of income management, long term security

[flowergirl14]

I also had a long term M and discovered my spouse most likely cheated most of the M.

 

I wanted my peace of mind - I wanted to stop betraying myself with the lies I had to tell myself in order to stay married. I wanted to break free of all the pretending and deception!

 

And it's feels so good...really good to honor myself now.

 

 

 

Do you work? Can you set money aside that you call your own?

 

Can you make decisions based on your best interest?

 

What can you begin doing that allows you the freedom of peace of mind?

 

I suppose I would eventually feel relief. There is a lot to be considered. I do work pt but it really is a pittance. I dont know if it would be better to secure a better job or go for alimony. My kids are my priority. I need to focus on acquiring funds and making plans. Very difficult when you are wondering who he is screwing.

[LoveMyCat]

If you were not working in a job that could support you, your husband will likely be ordered to pay alimony until such time you have full time work, and he will still have to pay child support. So you should be thinking ahead a bit, about getting more training or looking for a new job. But your priorities should be your kids and if you were the primary caretaker, or partial stay-at-home mother, judges generally take that into consideration.

 

Your goal should be getting on your feet in a new life with your kids. Maybe that will mean a move, a change of jobs, in fact many changes, but in the end you can make a life with your kids and eventually a new life for yourself as well. Just take it one step at a time, with legal advice all the way. No one deserves to be in a marriage with an untrustworthy partner.

[beach]

How old are the kids?

[flowergirl14]

The kids are 10, 13, 18. The oldest is going through some incredible stress right now. Right now I am trying to focus on her. I believe my H knows I am closing in on him. He is behaving "too good."

[ladydesigner]

I am in the same boat afraid to divorce. I am afraid of struggling financially with my 2 kids other than that I feel totally indifferent to my WH.

 

Here is a thread I started in the Infidelity forum. It may be helpful to read.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517931-bs-limbo

[BlackHat]

I did not read other responses because I wanted to give you an unbiass opinion.

 

First at all, I am in exactly the same position as you...as the guy. I am the serial cheater so I think I may be able to give you a proper insight.

 

Now to your text:

 

I found out a couple years ago that my spouse of 19 yrs cheated on me. Also, that he is probably a serial cheater. Now I believe he is at it again.

 

As a serial cheater let me tell you that we will NEVER tell you the whole truth. We will only tell you for the times that you caught us, because there is absolutely nothing to win from being honest.

 

Put yourself in his (my) position. Say I am your husband. Being me, in 19 years of marriage I probably cheated on you with 20 women (depending on how much your husband travels or have excuses to be far from you). Say you caught me twice. Do you think it would benefit me at all to tell you that, in fact, there have been 20 women?

 

You are probably devastated with 2. With 20 you would go crazy. Simply put, we just cannot be honest. We are too deep to be honest. I know there is no way I will ever tell the truth to my spouse no matter what, even if she reads what I am writing now.

 

So just forget about finding out the whole truth. Focus on the fact that he is a cheater.

 

Every rational part of my being says that this behavior is unacceptable, disgusting, and I should put an end to it. My emotional side says, he is loving, effectionate, provider for me and the kids, and a good father. I guess if was an a**hole to me or us abusive I would have gotten out.

 

My wife would tell you I am the number 1 husband. I am exactly like your husband if not better. There is no one thing my wife wishes to do, to achieve, to have, that I will not put 120% of myself to support her...and that is why is so hard to make a case against us.

 

The truth is, from my own experience, that he loves you very much just like I love with my very very much. Its just that we also love to have sex with other women and we are not willing to give it up.

However, knowing someone is cheating just eats at my psyche. If he's not here I cry. Im anxious, depressed, irratable. I come from parents who were divorced multiple times. I never saw a succesful marriage. Ive actually been married longer than either of my parents. I have seen the benefits of a 2 parent household. Its a huge worry breaking up a family. The kids would be blind sided. They think we are happy.

 

In my case both my wife and I come from happy families, but I am 100% with you on your thoughts.

 

I have started to think about what happiness means to me. Can I stay married knowing he continues to cheat? There are spouses who know that their spouse cheats and continue to stay. How do they do that? What kind of defense mechanism or wall do you have to build to cope ? If i am so conflicted then i should probably divorce but it literally makes me cry and become depressed just thinking about it. Does their come a breaking point? Or are there a lot of spouses who just stay in limbo?

 

I can tell you there are more cheaters out there than we care to admit. I read once an official study that quoted some 30%, but I guess the figure is much higher.

 

You should not think about what other people do or don't do. The most common cheater is not a good husband which makes things easier. What you should think is whether you are willing to tolerate his cheating in exchange for everything else.

 

I know that in the ideal world you should never have to do that, but the deal is what it is. And here I am going to be brutally honest: Say you get divorce. You know what is going to happen. Sure you are going to hit him financially for a while, but then he will eventually recover. I have seen that multiple times. And then what?

 

- Will you be able to start again with someone else? (maybe yes, maybe no, I am just asking)

- What will happen with the kids? Will you be able to have a nice enough divorce so the kids don't suffer? Think that, logically, whatever you do to him will reflect on your kids.

 

At the end it is a matter of either tolerate his behavior or divorce. I can tell you that, if forced, he will lie to you and say that he will not do it again when in reality he will just get better at it. I personally have become real good, learning how to keep different wallets, phones, bank accounts, etc...

 

There is also a possibility that he may seek with others something you refused to give him (sexually), or maybe you let yourself go (weight). This didn't happen to me but I have seen it many times.

 

Good luck.

[flowergirl14]

I did not read other responses because I wanted to give you an unbiass opinion.

 

First at all, I am in exactly the same position as you...as the guy. I am the serial cheater so I think I may be able to give you a proper insight.

 

Now to your text:

 

 

 

As a serial cheater let me tell you that we will NEVER tell you the whole truth. We will only tell you for the times that you caught us, because there is absolutely nothing to win from being honest.

 

Put yourself in his (my) position. Say I am your husband. Being me, in 19 years of marriage I probably cheated on you with 20 women (depending on how much your husband travels or have excuses to be far from you). Say you caught me twice. Do you think it would benefit me at all to tell you that, in fact, there have been 20 women?

 

You are probably devastated with 2. With 20 you would go crazy. Simply put, we just cannot be honest. We are too deep to be honest. I know there is no way I will ever tell the truth to my spouse no matter what, even if she reads what I am writing now.

 

So just forget about finding out the whole truth. Focus on the fact that he is a cheater.

 

 

 

My wife would tell you I am the number 1 husband. I am exactly like your husband if not better. There is no one thing my wife wishes to do, to achieve, to have, that I will not put 120% of myself to support her...and that is why is so hard to make a case against us.

 

The truth is, from my own experience, that he loves you very much just like I love with my very very much. Its just that we also love to have sex with other women and we are not willing to give it up.

 

 

In my case both my wife and I come from happy families, but I am 100% with you on your thoughts.

 

 

 

I can tell you there are more cheaters out there than we care to admit. I read once an official study that quoted some 30%, but I guess the figure is much higher.

 

You should not think about what other people do or don't do. The most common cheater is not a good husband which makes things easier. What you should think is whether you are willing to tolerate his cheating in exchange for everything else.

 

I know that in the ideal world you should never have to do that, but the deal is what it is. And here I am going to be brutally honest: Say you get divorce. You know what is going to happen. Sure you are going to hit him financially for a while, but then he will eventually recover. I have seen that multiple times. And then what?

 

- Will you be able to start again with someone else? (maybe yes, maybe no, I am just asking)

- What will happen with the kids? Will you be able to have a nice enough divorce so the kids don't suffer? Think that, logically, whatever you do to him will reflect on your kids.

 

At the end it is a matter of either tolerate his behavior or divorce. I can tell you that, if forced, he will lie to you and say that he will not do it again when in reality he will just get better at it. I personally have become real good, learning how to keep different wallets, phones, bank accounts, etc...

 

There is also a possibility that he may seek with others something you refused to give him (sexually), or maybe you let yourself go (weight). This didn't happen to me but I have seen it many times.

 

Good luck.

 

Black hat, Ive read a lot of your posts. Let me ask. Why do you knowingly hurt your wife. You say you love her 110% but love shouldn't hurt. I guarantee if your wife were to find out about any of it she would be shattered, devestated possibly suicidal. It would diminsh her character her being. I have been there and am. How can a spouse watch the spouse they cheated on be suicidal, lose weight and sleep, be unable to care for themselves and their children. Watch the children struggle to understand whats happening and then do it again

Is it that you love yourself more than her? Because true meaningful love would never be one where you hurt someone else. And if you did you would make amends and be sure to never hurt her again. You make think that she doesn't know so she cant be hurt. Thats dilusional. She should have the right to choose. Open marriage or not. While you are off messing around with whomever your thoughts aren't on your wife. The energy you are putting into the other women would be better spent on her. As for a serial cheater not getting enough or the right kind of sex. Not here. We have always had a strong sexual relationship. I think my wh likes the attention. Something in him is insecure. He has it all a great family, wife, job, low debt. It is just not enough? I know he loves us and I doubt he would ever leave us. Either way he's risking everything for what- a fling ?

[flowergirl14]

I am in the same boat afraid to divorce. I am afraid of struggling financially with my 2 kids other than that I feel totally indifferent to my WH.

 

Here is a thread I started in the Infidelity forum. It may be helpful to read.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/517931-bs-limbo

 

I read your thread and feel your pain. Sick of staying too scared to move on. Im to the point where I need something to refocus on besides him. Being a loving wife and mother just isnt enough. I used to have a lot of guilt that my WH was the sole breadwinner so I started back to work. Now I give less than a damn. MC was a joke. WH wouldn't do the necessary work obviously. Right now I am in a place of trying to figure out if staying for the kids, finances is enough. Knowing that a spouse continues to lie and cheat, trust is gone. Well it eats at your soul so I try to find happiness in other things. However, I wont live in limbo forever.

[Mr. Lucky]

Right now I am in a place of trying to figure out if staying for the kids, finances is enough.

 

Kids I understand, but staying married for the finances? Hope the pay is good because sounds like a pretty unsavory job ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[flowergirl14]

Kids I understand, but staying married for the finances? Hope the pay is good because sounds like a pretty unsavory job ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I said finances because my children have a good life. Im there to see them off to school, pick them up. Im with them on all holidays and school breaks. Im able to attend all school functions. They are very lucky ..no daycare ever and a dedicated mother. If I were to split I assume they would be home alone most of the time as we do not have family near or a support network. My pride says go the practicality says stay.

[BlackHat]

All due respect, I am not sure if you are talking to me, or to your husband

 

I have noticed that your questions included some wording designed to take someone (your husband?) into a guilt trip. Luckily for me, I am already past all that, so instead of getting myself into trouble I am going to avoid anything that is not a question, and answer only what you ask.

 

Black hat, Ive read a lot of your posts. Let me ask. Why do you knowingly hurt your wife?

 

Well, I think the honest answer would be on the lines of "I don't love her enough not to cheat", even though I do love her a great deal. I would and I have done lots of things for her, but having other women is part of who I am and I am not giving that up.

 

Exactly like your husband.

 

Is it that you love yourself more than her?

 

There are different kinds of love. I love my wife a great deal, and in many aspects I would do things for her I wouldn't do for myself. But in others, like meeting other women, I go my own way.

 

Again, exactly like your husband does.

 

And if you did you would make amends and be sure to never hurt her again. You make think that she doesn't know so she cant be hurt. Thats dilusional. She should have the right to choose.

 

What makes you think she doesn't know? Do YOU know? Sure you do! In fact, I bet you know that what you know is the tip of the Iceberg, right?

 

But if he was to show you the whole deal, every women he really cheated you with...how would that help you?

 

As far as you are aware, he has cheated on you with two girls, right? And see how you react! Imagine if the truth, instead of 2, was 20 (a very conservative number, by the way), how would that help you?

 

My wife has the right to choose, just like you do. And she chooses the same as you.

 

We have always had a strong sexual relationship. I think my wh likes the attention. Something in him is insecure. He has it all a great family, wife, job, low debt. It is just not enough? I know he loves us and I doubt he would ever leave us. Either way he's risking everything for what- a fling ?

 

I think it's here where you are wrong. And I know that for a fact because I have heard this same story many, many times. Let's use the common sense, shall we?

 

NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY, who manages to get a good job in this economy, with the brains to secure low debt, is insecure. And NOBODY who manages to score a number of lovers is insecure. It's just common sense.

 

Unless he pays prostitutes, if he gets women, more than one, then he is anything but insecure. In fact, again using common sense, he seems to have quite the value in the open market.

 

And I know to think your husband as an insecure little guy somehow makes you feel better in the same way as thinking that he only cheated on you with the ones you caught him makes you feel better but, wouldn't it be better to face the truth?

 

And let me be clear: I do want to help you to understand how cheaters think. I have zero intention to cause you any unnecessary pain, but you really, really need to be objective here.

 

I am not saying that this is your case, but the number 1 reason why men cheat (not my case, by the way) is their wives not doing the sexual stuff they like. The second reason, equally important, is their wives letting themselves go.

 

The one thing that is clear is that nope, it's not enough. Sometimes I ask myself why I am still married, and the answer is because I still love my wife. She doesn't nag, treats me well, so I stay. But make no mistake. Even though I am the one cheating if my wife stops treating me well I would leave her.

 

What I am trying to tell you is that when you consider whether he is risking everything for a fling, consider this: He is knowingly risking everything for a fling, which means that his fling is worth the risk. Which also means that he is fully prepared to accept the consequences.

 

Make no mistake. Your husband is not your low level cheater and I can tell that much from your words. He knows he is a good husband and a good father and a good earner. He knows that, if you were to divorce him, sure he will be financially hurt, but he will come thru and he will be fine.

 

In fact, it could even be entirely possible that, deep down, he wishes to get caught.

 

You really, truly, need to understand that you are not going to change him. Sure he gets caught and clean his act for six months, and then back to the game. What you really need to decide is whether you can live with a cheater or not. Changing him is a lost battle. Nag him or using the kids for emotional bargain will only provide him with more excuses to cheat, and to find in other women what you cannot provide any longer.

 

Your decision is simple: Stay with him as he is, or divorce him.

[TashaTudor]

Wow Blackhat! You've given great insight into the serial cheater. My ex serial cheater sounds so similar to what you described. He was confident, a professional cheater, and from what I've heard, he has recovered financially post divorce. Just as you say.

 

Flowergirl, you really need to get quiet with yourself, and search your heart about this. If you can accept it, stay. But if its going to eat away at you and your happiness then you kinda know what you must eventually do...but take time to think. Talk to your husband.

 

I prayed over my situation for a long time. It was finally led out out. I can tell you that I made it out just fine. I still get angry, it comes in waves. But the waves get smaller.

[flowergirl14]

Wow Blackhat! You've given great insight into the serial cheater. My ex serial cheater sounds so similar to what you described. He was confident, a professional cheater, and from what I've heard, he has recovered financially post divorce. Just as you say.

 

Flowergirl, you really need to get quiet with yourself, and search your heart about this. If you can accept it, stay. But if its going to eat away at you and your happiness then you kinda know what you must eventually do...but take time to think. Talk to your husband.

 

I prayed over my situation for a long time. It was finally led out out. I can tell you that I made it out just fine. I still get angry, it comes in waves. But the waves get smaller.

 

Maybe I shouldnt take the moral high road. Maybe I should just use him and get some side action for myself. Lol

[BlackHat]

Wow Blackhat! You've given great insight into the serial cheater. My ex serial cheater sounds so similar to what you described. He was confident, a professional cheater, and from what I've heard, he has recovered financially post divorce. Just as you say.

 

I do appreciate your comment and I am glad some people understand what I am doing here.

 

Cheers!

[TashaTudor]

Do what you gotta do, Flowergirl! I could never bring myself to cheat on my cheater. But let me tell you, there were times I just wish I had. Slapping myself right now.

 

Blackhat. Just curious. How would you feel if you discovered your wife was having affairs. Would you be ok with an "open" marriage? Or would you be upset? Let's say, hypothetically, she was "getting it good" with another man who pleased her in ways that you hadn't. Would you be cool with it?

[flowergirl14]

Do what you gotta do, Flowergirl! I could never bring myself to cheat on my cheater. But let me tell you, there were times I just wish I had. Slapping myself right now.

Thanks Tasha,

I really dont know if I could or would cheat. At some point all the Hope or want in the world might not give you everything you want in a spouse. Time to try something new!

Edited March 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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