minimariah Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 so i was thinking. i read a lot about how hard & painful it is to end an A, a true heartbreak. many do it & move on without their spouses EVER finding out. my question is - how did you keep your spouse from noticing the fact that you're going through a heartbreak? i mean, it's logical that you'll be sad, depressed, in a foul mood when you're breaking up a relationship... so my question for all WS - how did you explain your sadness to your spouse IF your spouse noticed? how do you hide something like that, something that painful from someone you live with? thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 so i was thinking. i read a lot about how hard & painful it is to end an A, a true heartbreak. many do it & move on without their spouses EVER finding out. my question is - how did you keep your spouse from noticing the fact that you're going through a heartbreak? i mean, it's logical that you'll be sad, depressed, in a foul mood when you're breaking up a relationship... so my question for all WS - how did you explain your sadness to your spouse IF your spouse noticed? how do you hide something like that, something that painful from someone you live with? thank you. I am a BW. But I woud think they hide it the same way they hid the affair. By lying and deceiving. These are folks who came home and snuggled up to their spouse in their bed after being out having sex with their AP. My stbx became an a$$ but blamed it on stress from a new project from work. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I've wondered that too. Ending a relationship (even one that should NEVER have happened) is painful, and I'd think it would be very hard not to cry or be stressed and down or something. It seems like the BS would notice that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 My H doesn't have enough emotional IQ to sense when I'm hurting. He didn't sense it when he told me he was going to break up with me because my ass was too big (I was 5'5 ands 120lb) He didn't sense it when he called me a whale when I was pregnant with his child He didn't sense it when he was sleeping in my hospital bed when I was labouring with his child. He didn't sense it when he said to me on Christmas Eve "We aren't getting presents for each other are we??" After Id spent hundreds on him He didn't sense it when he forgot our wedding anniversary. I figure if and when this happens to me it will be like all the other times I'm hurting.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I doubt a lot of WS will honestly post to this question. I would like to see the answers to this too though, so thanks for asking. As a BS I can tell you my WS hid it by treating me even worse than during the A. During the A, WS of course abandoned and neglected me. Picked fights but also cranked up our sex life. Then, when WS's AP abandoned WS, well then WS kicked up the entitled demanding abusive behavior by ten times. Just kick BS in the head a little harder than before to ease the pain of losing AP. That is what it looks like from here. Maybe some WS can shed some light on the view from WS viewpoint? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Affairs come in all shapes and sizes...so I doubt there is one answer that fits all affairs. My affair was very brief....I did not "date" or carry on with the affair partner for a long period of time. I did have sex with him one time...I did come home and act like nothing was wrong. How? I have no idea.....I simply functioned normally while trying to figure out what I had done....and what I was going to do. I confessed on my own...I could have hidden it and never told my husband. I chose to come clean about what I had done. Why? I know I really wanted my husband...I really wanted my marriage and I could not NOT tell him...though I wish I had not given him so much information. I talked too much and gave too many details. I should have waited for his questions and simply answered them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 These are folks who came home and snuggled up to their spouse in their bed after being out having sex with their AP. all true but i think it's easier to keep your spouse in the dark when you're actually "happy" & getting your "fuel" from your relationship with your AP. i assumed that heartbreak (sadness) is a little harder to hide so i wonder if WS's partners ever noticed anything. That is what it looks like from here. Maybe some WS can shed some light on the view from WS viewpoint? i hope so. i know a lot of folks say that it's "stress" from work & use work as an excuse but a heartbreak lasts long... long enough for spouse who pays attention to suspect something is off. i have a friend who ended her A a couple of years ago because her longterm AP died and she would often meet with me just to cry and let that sadness out because she couldn't do that at home. & it was truly heartbreaking so i was really wondering how do WS grieve without their spouse noticing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 it's logical that you'll be sad, depressed, in a foul mood I was clueless because that was my xWS's normal demeanor... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 SassyGirl - post #4, Are you still in that marriage, and if so why? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 When ow 'ended' it with him (they were still texting all the time a d seeing each other at work - figure that one out!) because 'he couldn't give her enough' he was like a bear with a sore head. Totally vile to everyone! It lead, along with other things that had struck me as odd over the last few months, to checking his phone ( first time I had ever done that in all our years together). At that point my pain was far more important than any pain he was feeling. He missed her I know that but it was just not the big issue it might have been in other circumstances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 so i was thinking. i read a lot about how hard & painful it is to end an A, a true heartbreak. many do it & move on without their spouses EVER finding out. my question is - how did you keep your spouse from noticing the fact that you're going through a heartbreak? i mean, it's logical that you'll be sad, depressed, in a foul mood when you're breaking up a relationship... so my question for all WS - how did you explain your sadness to your spouse IF your spouse noticed? how do you hide something like that, something that painful from someone you live with? thank you. So you're asking to successfully lie to someone without being caught? Perhaps I suggest enrolling in an acting class, therefore when you are feeling sad, you could act your way out of the situation. Or if you are sad, just smile and laugh. This is probably the simplest way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I am answering from a BH perspective. In our case the following applied: - There was a strong emotional component to the most recent affair my WW was immersed in so I did notice. - If it was just sex between them and she did not withdraw emotionally, financially and physically from our marriage I might not have noticed. In fact I suspect she had a number of sex-only affairs that she did manage to conceal from me. - She tried to conceal it by three methods - being evasive in her answers to my questions, gas lighting and learning over time to become a better liar. The gas lighting was the most damaging because she really did have me doubting my sanity at several points. When you love someone and don't want to believe that they really are doing this horrid thing to you, the BS can get really screwed up in their head. Finally though I stopped listening to her words and started looking objectively at her actions. When I would confront her she did not end the affair. She only changed her behavior to better conceal (she thought) what she was doing. Basically I was teaching her to be a better cheater by confronting her. I finally stopped and went for the divorce. OP, from your question it sounds like you are not someone who easily compartmentalizes. That makes it more difficult for you to separate what is happening in your M from what is happening in the A. A key question is how do you view your M? In your post you describe your spouse as someone you live with. Was it your decision to end the A or did it end because the AP ended it? Why do you not want your spouse to find out? Guilt, shame, loss of security or something else? Perhaps you shouldn't hide the pain from your spouse if that just maintains the status quo in a dead marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Mine never had that happy fuel from his affair. One of the reasons I knew something was wrong was because of how mean and distant he was. The change was drastic just a few months after starting the affair. I was so concerned! So many dr. Visits, even a sleep study (azz)!Once he ended the physical he started to become his usual self. By the time he was down to 1 email per month, he had already planned marriage counseling. The week I finally confronted, we had a planned vacation to renew vows. He was planning on taking it to his grave. I had been collecting evidence. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 Why do you not want your spouse to find out? Guilt, shame, loss of security or something else? Perhaps you shouldn't hide the pain from your spouse if that just maintains the status quo in a dead marriage. LOL, what are you talking about? i'm single, i'm not seeing anybody. i mean... i clearly asked the questions out of curiosity & my need to learn more about infidelity (because of my profession). i'm baffled with your questions because i never once wrote that the 1st post and this thread was about me personally. it was a question for those BS who didn't notice anything and for those WS who actually managed to keep their As a secret. when i was a BS, i definitely noticed my xH going through a heartbreak. i read about people breaking off their As & keeping it a secret from their spouses all the time and i was wondering how is that even possible? how do you hide a heartbreak from someone who is supposed to know you & live with you and see you and talk to you every single day? how do you NOT notice your partner going through a heartbreak, if you're a BS? that's really it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 I've wondered that too. Ending a relationship (even one that should NEVER have happened) is painful, and I'd think it would be very hard not to cry or be stressed and down or something. It seems like the BS would notice that. this. how can you possibly hide your heartbreak and sadness over your relationship with the AP ending? that's the thing i don't understand. okay, a lot of WS give the "stress at work" excuse but even then, the BS suspect something. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 this. how can you possibly hide your heartbreak and sadness over your relationship with the AP ending? that's the thing i don't understand. okay, a lot of WS give the "stress at work" excuse but even then, the BS suspect something. This is really the only reason I can believe him when he says it was just sex for him. He told her he didn't love her in emails. But she loved him. I felt bad for her because he never even spoke to her again after dday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 mini, my apologies. It was not obvious to me from your first post that you were doing professional research instead of asking the question with regards to a personal situation. I don't think its is unreasonable to assume a post is about personal situations because that is the case 99 % of the time here at LS. Why do you assume in your premise that the BS doesn't notice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I was clueless because that was my xWS's normal demeanor... Mr. Lucky Sorry to t/j but why would you stay in a marriage with someone like this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I was thinking about this last night, and it really isn't as hard to understand as I thought. Think about the man who lost his job, doesn't know how to tell his wife, and so he puts on a suit and goes to find a job every day while letting her think he is going to work? I've heard of that happening. Think about the spouse who thinks they have or have been diagnosed with a terminal disease such as cancer. They don't know how to deal with t so they keep everyone in the dark. I know someone who did this. Think about the woman with 4 children whose family is barely making it and a husband who is damned if they can afford any more mouths to feed. She quietly gets an abortion. Think about the man who has realized the family is in debt way over their heads and he doesn't know what to do. Or the IRS demands 250,000 dollars. He tries to juggle and fix it while hiding it from his wife. Or the woman who had back surgery after a serious car accident, and now her husband has no idea that she is still taking those pain meds 3 years later. All of the people above are carrying loads that may have actually been of their own making. And yet they somehow manage to keep it hidden, at least for awhile. How do they do it? And do we consign the unemployed man, the pregnant woman, the dying spouse, or the in debt father to the same category of unredeemable deception? Of course HAVING the affair is way worse than owing the IRS IMO. It's just something interesting to ponder. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 Why do you assume in your premise that the BS doesn't notice? no need to apologize, it's all good. why do i think the BS doesn't notice? i think that only in cases where the A stays hidden. i don't really know... they probably do notice but don't dig deeper because they trust their spouse? i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 At the time my A ended, I worked from home so I sobbed all day and H had no idea. I'd "go shopping" and park somewhere & cry & read posts here desperately to try to find strength. I'd cry in the shower, shaking from the despair of the breakup. I started IC (reasoning was just generally needing an unbiased outlet from the stress of work, young baby, FOO stuff, etc, which H supported) My H probably thought I was having a bout of depression but never probed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) My husband and I always had a very temperamental marriage so it wasn't rare for me to be annoyed or distance depending on the day with us. I would cry in my car, shower or whenever I was alone and needed too. The second I walked in the door where my son was I went into Mommy mode and put it into the back of my mind until I had time to feel it again. I stalked the internet for sites to help me and once I found loveshack I read every thread I could for support. I also had a few friends I trust that I could call and talk to when I needed help. Edited March 7, 2015 by Ronnie33 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 My H probably thought I was having a bout of depression but never probed. did your H ever try to talk to you about it? did he mention you being depressed or was he just kind of trying to be silently supportive? also, is your A now completely over or is it still going? & thank you for responding - my friend did the same thing you did. crying when she was visiting me, when she went "shopping" or to yoga class and especially under shower. shower seems like it's everybody's favourite place to scream and cry and let it al out. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 SassyGirl - post #4, Are you still in that marriage, and if so why? Yes. For my young children. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Yes. For my young children. I think that maybe part of it, but I don't think that is the prime reason. I hope you don't take offense to this, but it does seem like your affair is a huge F U to your husband. This was made even clearer when you said that you would divorce him if you get busted. Trust me I understand it because your husband sounds like an a$$, but if you go down that road, the only individuals that are going to suffer are your children. If you get busted and leave, I can promise you that you and your husband won't be able to co-parent well. There will be too much damage between you. Sassy you give incredible advice here to other Waywards, I just wish you would take yours. So here is some for you, divorce your husband now while still can. Your children will adjust and most importantly, there is a chance that you two will be able to co-parent well. Don't you think that will be what's best for the kids? I think you are taking a very huge risk at the expense of your kids just to prove something to your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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