Just had my first affair. And not feeling guilty. Wrong?

[secretdandelion]

I guess I'll have to start a little earlier. My husband and I met at school right after my previous boyfriend left me. He was kind of my rebound.

 

We were pretty rocky from the beginning but I could never leave him. After a few months, he basically lived with me (he repeated the year at school, so he came by every weekend and I spent a lot of the week at his parents' house). And when he finished that year at school we moved to a new apartment together, then a new city etc. I wanted to leave him a couple of times but never actually went through with it. He always did something really sweet to keep me in the relationship or make me pity him enough.

 

When I was applying for my visa to the US last year, I had the option of going through way more trouble to get him his own visa or marry him. So we got engaged on Thursday, married the Monday after at the courthouse. No guests. Family was pissed and I just told them that there would be a big wedding at some point.

 

I get the feeling that this was one of the biggest mistakes ever, because now I'm in the US with him, living together. And as I'm not making any money at the moment, I have to rely on his income. Also, he's here as my dependent, so getting a divorce would lose him his visa. So leaving would leave me without money and him without a visa and helpless. The helpless part seems to be a big problem, as when I think about leaving him, I always think that he would be lost and couldn't cope without me. And I know that's true. At least it was until we got here, I have the feeling his new environment/work/colleagues is helping him get a little more confident.

 

 

 

Well, back to the actual problem. He's pretty bad in bed (I was his first, no experience...) and I always thought that was one of the main issues. So when I couldn't get it out of my head anymore, I signed up for one of those affair websites and got it "out of my system". I had no problem at all, didn't feel guilty or bad or anything. It really didn't matter to me at all.

 

I would never tell him, as it would destroy him, but I now know that it's not the sex either.

 

I keep trying to find a way out but am stuck.

 

What do I do?

[Ralph79]

I don't mean this in a mean way, but your marriage is a joke.

 

You shouldn't have resorted to cheating, but I'm not sure you can even call it that the way you ended up being his wife.

 

Neither you or him took marriage seriously. It's been a contract of convenience for you both, and this relationship has been also a matter of convenience as well. He's pretty much buying your time to be with him.

 

Are you really happy being with a man because otherwise you wouldn't have income? They have a name for people that do that for a living.

 

I would suggest ending the relationship as I see no real interest in your part to be honest, and he should know better than to proceed this way. He'll probably guilt-trip you into staying or worse have a pity party, but the best thing you can do for yourself and this man right now is leave him.

 

But that's my opinion. Don't mean to be rude or mean spirited. There's still time to find someone you actually love before you have kids with this man.

 

And in regards to the Visa, see an immigration lawyer. There has be a healthier way to get it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

First things first it’s quite clear you don’t want him to lose his visa as he would be unable to stay in the country and continue earning the income that currently supports you both, however, depending on how far along he is in the immigration process, his path to citizenship may not be sidetracked.

 

The U.S. government - while greatly concerned about fraud - is neither oblivious nor inhumane and is well aware that couples where one or both spouses are going through the immigration process can and do go through separations and divorce just like everyone else. ICE/USCIS aren’t in the business of keeping people hostage in legitimate marriages that have fallen apart just because someone is trying to become a legal citizen.

 

However, even if that weren’t the case, there is still no reason why you can’t come clean about your infidelity and live separate lives while still remaining in the same household until you A) find gainful employment and B) he becomes a naturalized citizen.

 

You married a man you never loved –and frankly don’t seem to have ever even liked – to…make things easier I guess. You have zero respect for this man and have now graduated that severe lack of respect to adultery. You feel no guilt, no remorse, no shame, etc and that’s fine for you, and it’s not my place to judge, however you are doing him NO FAVORS by continuing this sham of a marriage.

 

You say you feel he would be lost without you and couldn’t cope, that’s probably not as true as you think. He’s the only working adult in your household so he seems to have at least some sense of responsibility about him. And I also think that if given the choice, he’d probably much rather fend for himself in the world than be stuck with (and supporting) a wife who, well….

 

You also say you’ve wanted to leave many times before but stayed because he did something sweet or you took pity on him…that’s frankly all on you. You had the ‘strength’ and courage to log on to a Ashley Madison (or whatever) and find a casual sex partner, surely you can have the strength to remove yourself from a situation you know you don’t belong in.

 

So, what do you do? Contact an immigration attorney, then a divorce lawyer and give them the facts as they are. Tell your husband it’s over in no uncertain terms and proceed from there.

[Hardgrind]

Secret,

I am speaking as a BH.

In our marriage I am probably very similar to your husband. I was sexually inexperienced going into the relationship while my wife had been quite active with many different men.

Not surprisingly I wasn't the best lover she ever had. The problem was she was never willing to put any work into making things better. In one of our discussions after D Day I suggested that she needed to tell me what she liked and wanted. Her response was that the guy was supposed to figure it out/know without her saying anything.

 

My STBXW did not feel guilty about her affair either. She did feel shame about getting caught. This is an important distinction because guilt can help prevent a person from having an affair in the first place, but shame won't. Guilt shows empathy for others, while shame shows only a self-centered concern about how it impacts the person doing the cheating.

 

Now that you have cheated on him with no feelings of guilt, there is no reason to expect that you will be faithful to him in the future.

 

My suggest is to tell him the truth. He deserves a better life than will result if you only stay with him for security but you actually live your life with other men.

[jackslife]

Putting the affair to one side at the moment. You are basically saying you shouldn't have married this man. He doesn't satisfy you sexually(and that is very important in a marriage) and you are really only staying for his income so he can keep his visa.

 

Ultimately you are in an unhappy marriage based on rocky foundations. Affairs won't be the way forward (interesting that you called it your first affair, implying there will be more to come.) Do you and your husband a favour and separate. You need to sort the legal stuff out, but you'll both be happier out of this marriage. The last thing you need right now is to get pregnant and throw a child into this mistake.

 

Look, you made a mistake. Don't make it worse by trying to keep it going for the wrong reasons.

[Friskyone4u]

You should make yourself a plan for what happens when you get caught. And you will because wit the way you expressed having no concerns you will be back on the cheating website again and again .you will become addicted to how easy it is. No one thinks they will get caught.

[Auspecial]

You lost me at "this is my first affair."

[whatcanitellyou]

My feeling is that while you don't love him and didn't want to marry him you've put the blame solely on him for pushing it. For sure he did but you made the decision to marry him and you have to own it. That's why you don't feel guilty, because you view this as completely his fault.

 

At this point it doesn't benefit either of you to continue like this, so I'd speak to a lawyer and tell your hb that you don't love him and want to end things so he can find someone that does. He'll probably cry and beg but keep repeating that you don't love him and it's over. You'll be doing him a favor in the long run.

[autumnnight]

Actually, feeling guilty is RIGHT. People with a conscience feel guilty when they do something wrong. It is our personhood's way of saying STOP.

 

That said, I can sympathize, outside of the A, with the circumstances of your marriage. If the only reason you two are together is for a visa, maybe the better thing to do would be to have a talk about open marriage until he has been in the country long enough. That is not something I would EVER suggest for 99.99% of situations, but if this is basically a citizenship marriage, maybe it would work?

[jackslife]

You'll be doing him a favor in the long run.

 

You'll be doing both of you a favour in the long run.

[Spectre]

Your marriage is a joke and you are a special kind of skanky for siigning up to an affair website. Nothing more needs to be said, tell the guy the truth, he deserves it, so he can move on. But you won't do that, because you will just be a parasite to this guy for as long as you can, feeding off him, and then you'll bounce at the first chance you get.

[irishguy]

Sounds like you need to get a job , save some money , then split up and let him find someone decent.Im sure he will not be as helpless as you think when you leave .

[Spectre]

Sounds like you need to get a job , save some money , then split up and let him find someone decent.Im sure he will not be as helpless as you think when you leave .

 

I disagree with this. Or rather. she needs to make it known to the guy she is going, and not 1 day before she leaves.

 

She sure as hell shouldn't get to feed off this guys hard earned money any longer just so she can get her life together and dump him..after cheating on him.

 

I would never go to an adultery website like the OP did, so can someone tell me...these sites, are they free? They better be free, because if this woman used this guys money to pay for a site that was specifically there for her to cheat? Yeah, that would be MESSED UP.

[writergal]

 

I would never tell him, as it would destroy him, but I now know that it's not the sex either.

 

I keep trying to find a way out but am stuck.

 

What do I do?

 

I think you need to find a job for yourself. Join some temp agencies while you're looking for a full-time job. Get a minimum wage job. Contribute to your household. It's the least you can do.

 

What 'ways out' have you 'tried' so far, other than the affair website? Why not try marriage counseling? Individual counseling? You can get both at free walk-in clinics; which gives you the discretion and 'no cost' that you need.

 

That's what you do. Your situation reminds me of that Eagles song,

Edited March 6, 2015 by writergal

[SawtoothMars]

I would never tell him, as it would destroy him, but I now know that it's not the sex either.

 

I keep trying to find a way out but am stuck.

 

What do I do?

 

Ok... if you divorce he won't lose his Visa. Immigration doesn't punish people for falling out of love.

 

You clearly don't love the guy... and I would probably have some harsh words about your cheating... but it is so clear that you just want out. You need to be honest with him about how you feel. Be honest that you want to end the relationship! It will hurt him at first but he will recover much quicker than if he catches you cheating in 2 or 3 years. Plus... you are kind of wasting your own time.

 

I know you "feel" like he is helpless and needs you, however my xWife would have said the same thing before we divorced. While I did suffer at first... mostly with debt from the divorce... Within a year or so I was doing better than ever! I also met and married someone who actually loves me!

[Spectre]

You need to sit him down and tell him what you did: and it needs to be today. No prolonging this just so when the time comes you can skip away scott free. Be an adult.

[Chi townD]

A long time ago, I read an article and it stated that a lot of women don't feel guilty about cheating until they're caught. Once they get caught, THEN the guilt probably creeps in because they actually see the pain and hurt that their actions have caused. But, until that happens they develop and internalized justification.

 

 

That's not me saying that, it was the article. But, it does make some sense.

[Spectre]

That makes it even worse if you only feel guilt upon being caught. That's not love.

[secretdandelion]

Thanks to you all. I think I need to clarify some things:

 

I do have a job but I'm self-employed and new to the states, so I am in the marketing stage and will soon make an income.

His visa does completely rely on mine and he would have a grace period to find another way but definitely not get to keep staying for long.

 

I called it the first, not because I want to do this in the future (I actually deleted my profile on the page right after) but because I wanted to make clear that I hadn't done it before.

 

I know that this is on me. I just don't know how to get out. A divorce from out of the country is really expensive and wouldn't help with the financial situation. I feel like I need to get the financials sorted out.

 

And don't get me wrong, I talked to him many times. He knows how I feel but we always "try one last time". It's not like he has no clue that I'm unhappy.

 

Again, thank you all for your help! There was some really valuable advice in there and I know I deserve the less than kind parts of it. I know that cheating is wrong. I wanted to figure out, if sex is the problem. It isn't. Now I need to figure it out...

[nightmare01]

An interesting title to your thread... your "first affair" - gives strong indication that you are ready for more affairs.

 

Get a divorce and move on.

[secretdandelion]

"I called it the first, not because I want to do this in the future (I actually deleted my profile on the page right after) but because I wanted to make clear that I hadn't done it before."

[nightmare01]

Sorry - I hadn't read everything before chiming in.

 

Do you actually WANT to stay married to your husband? What is keeping you from divorcing him?

 

If finances and out of country legal issues are keeping you from divorce, why not just separate. Go and lead separate lives?

[secretdandelion]

Well, I always keep hoping things will turn around. We did have good times and it's not true that I never loved him. I just feel like that's ebbed away and there's no longer enough feeling involved.

 

We argue a lot and I don't care anymore. Also I thought for a long time, that I didn't want children, turns out I just didn't want children with him. But as he doesn't want them, that at least means, I won't add a poor child into this mess.

 

I feel like I need to find a way out of this, start dating and have some relationships. I've been with 3 guys so far and always long term things, I never had a dating phase. Always stayed with the rebound. Not healthy, I know. But I always was too afraid to be alone. Now a couple of years later, I feel like being alone would be a good thing.

 

As long as my business doesn't pick up (it's in a season based industry and I arrived too late for the last, so I'll have to be patient and do everything I can to be ready for this one), I don't have any income. I can't get a regular job due to visa regulations (yes, unfortunately I'm sure, I'm only allowed to work for myself). Once it picks up, it's too late to get a divorce as he would be entitled to 50% of my business (no prenup. I know, stupid.).

 

So, right now I'm really stuck and don't know how to solve this. And I can't expect him to keep supporting me once I tell him it's definitely over.

 

My ideal solution would be for my business to pick up and then get a divorce where everyone keeps his own and we separate the stuff we bought together like furniture. But as he wouldn't want to get a divorce (yes, I'm sure of that!), it would be a long and painful process and that would destroy him.

 

Well, no idea what to do. I know, i have to talk to him but don't know what to say and what to do.

 

It really isn't about the affair, it's a deeper problem, that I tried to solve with an affair (yes, I know that was a stupid idea and recipe for disaster).

[nightmare01]

Can you get a second job?

 

Keeping your husband around just for the financial support he provides is abusive.

 

Also - I may have missed something, but I think you've not told your husband of your affair - so how much do you respect your husband? Do you think he has a right to make his own decisions?

 

Like you I've not had many sexual partners - 5 total. My wife has had LOTS of partners. Lack of numerous partners is not a reason to cheat. You cheat because you choose to cheat.

 

Also - hope can be a soul killer because it keeps you in a bad situation.

 

Finances and everything aside - I think you should seriously look at finding a way out or your relationship with your husband.

[Spectre]

Yep first things first: tell him what you did. As in, do it by the end of the weekend. It needs to be done.