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Do you think cheaters would cheat if they knew the pain they would inflict?


VeryBrokenMan

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VeryBrokenMan

Just wondering if people would actually choose to stray if they really understood what they were going to do to their spouse?

 

I've said I would never cheat on my wife and I truly believed that before her affair (and I was tested) but now I REALLY know I would never cheat because I understand the pain involved.

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Yes. Narcissists, selfish people, people who don't care about their partner and people who were never emotionally involved to begin with would do it anyway. And if people could tell the future and would see that they don't get caught they'd do it even if they cared about their partner.

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stellamaria

The thing is, the WS is not thinking of the pain the spouse will endure. I don't think they even think the BS will ever find out when the affair starts. So no

 

If they knew beyond a doubt that their spouse would be betrayed so badly, and hurt more than anything, they may not do that.

 

Saying that, I was a BS once, and my ex-H didn't give a damn about my pain when he was flaunting his AP in my face.

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*Just wondering if people would actually choose to stray if they really understood what they were going to do to their spouse?

 

I've said I would never cheat on my wife and I truly believed that before her affair (and I was tested) but now I REALLY know I would never cheat because I understand the pain involved.

 

*They do know.

 

Everybody knows.

 

Its just that some people don't care.

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VeryBrokenMan
The thing is, the WS is not thinking of the pain the spouse will endure. I don't think they even think the BS will ever find out when the affair starts.

 

I guess that is true in my case. She has told me she never thought I would find out and did not think about it. I guess I'm asking this from a perspective of someone that would never cheat and I'm never going to understand the decision that was made.

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Just wondering if people would actually choose to stray if they really understood what they were going to do to their spouse?

 

I've said I would never cheat on my wife and I truly believed that before her affair (and I was tested) but now I REALLY know I would never cheat because I understand the pain involved.

 

Yes some still would. There are several threads on LS that are a testament to that. Some will never cheat in the first place and some might never cheat as a result of being cheated on, but there are several who have cheated knowing the pain involved firsthand.

 

One of several threads that comes to mind:

 

The wife cheated on her H with their best friend. A Short time AFTER the best friend was devastated by his own wife's betrayal.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/514928-i-m-love-my-husband-s-best-friend

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- the root of all cheating is selfishness and entitlement. They only care about what they want.

 

- rules are for the other guy.

 

- They always have an accuse why the rules shouldn't apply to them.

 

- They think they will never get caught and no-one will know.

 

- They think that if they don't get caught, it will not impact the BS in any way.

 

- They think if they do get caught, they will be able to play their justification cared and talk their way out of it and that the BS will accept their justifications an Will be OK with it.

 

Add that all up and it = no, it wouldn't slow them down a bit.

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It is self indulgence. People do false justification all the time. Along with I will never get caught because I am too smart. So no one will know and my BS will never find out.

 

 

Such thought process allows the WS to say to themselves that my BS will never feel the pain.

 

 

So they then grant themselves permission to have an affair.

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I am told there are only three requirements for being an adulterer/adulteress, must like getting drunk, over the top selfish and apparently make a lot of mistakes. Oh ya, there is one other, they deserve another chance.

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I guess some actually want the spouse to be hurt and feel pain.

If they have spent years in an unfulfilling, sexless, toxic marriage, building resentment, then I doubt if they would be worried about causing a spouse pain.

 

However, I believe some never give it a second thought, until d-day.

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I believe some would not. I believe some WS'S find themselves quite suddenly in affairs they didn't believe they were capable of having and when dday strikes so does the recognition of the pain they have caused.

 

I can believe that at this point they wished they had chosen to break up rather than cause the damage they have caused.

 

Yes, in some cases it's possible.

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It varies. Some would and some not. I think truly remorseful spouses wouldn't, but no one thinks they'll get caught. That fear of getting caught stops some having affairs, not that they wouldn't be tempted to.

 

Those who blame the BS simply don't give a damn.

 

Criminals know that if they are caught committing certain crimes, they'll land in jail. It's a risk, but they try to be the best at the crimes, hoping they won't get caught.

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Yes, it is not a process that is usually planned. although i have read a few that seem to be premeditated to where i would say that type of infidelity is a different part of the body gone wrong and needs a different kind of help.

 

What i am getting at is that infidelity/cheating is an addiction. Addicts don't usually plan nor think of consequence, just to follow the high.

 

That said, in regards:

If they have spent years in an unfulfilling, sexless, toxic marriage, building resentment, then I doubt if they would be worried about causing a spouse pain.

 

This gets us in trouble in regards to the why's. If we take the statement at face value, it creates a contradiction in that the marriage was also too good to leave it vs the alternatives.

 

This is why we do not solve infidelity by solving marriage problems but by solving personal problems. IE addictions.

 

To go back to what i said earlier in "premeditated" infidelity can also go along with "serial" < to a degree and "revenge" where as the "addiction" part of it is not the main driver but something else.

Edited by atreides
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- Do any of them ever understand the depth of the pain they caused?

 

- They always believe (at the start) that their spouse will never find out so never think about causing pain.

 

Yes, I think they would still cheat - they cheat because they are selfish and don't care about anything but their own pleasure & excitement. If they confess they regret ever telling BS. If they're busted they regret getting caught. They reconcile only if it is the best alternative for them.

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autumnnight
Yes. Narcissists, selfish people, people who don't care about their partner and people who were never emotionally involved to begin with would do it anyway. And if people could tell the future and would see that they don't get caught they'd do it even if they cared about their partner.

 

I agree that the above people would do so anyway. For those WS's who are NOT sociopaths but very misguided, with weak boundaries, who make a bad choice that is NOT a part of their historical character, I think a glimpse into the pain they would cause might change their minds.

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Yes because they only care about themselves and many have a victim complex so in their eyes you deserve it because of whatever perceived wrong.

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ladydesigner

Well in my case my WH took his A underground for 2 more years. So not only was he witness to the pain he inflicted on me the first, but then decided to do it some more! Sick:sick:

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- the root of all cheating is selfishness and entitlement. They only care about what they want.

 

- rules are for the other guy.

 

- They always have an accuse why the rules shouldn't apply to them.

 

- They think they will never get caught and no-one will know.

 

- They think that if they don't get caught, it will not impact the BS in any way.

 

- They think if they do get caught, they will be able to play their justification cared and talk their way out of it and that the BS will accept their justifications an Will be OK with it.

 

Add that all up and it = no, it wouldn't slow them down a bit.

 

 

This list could apply to any person serving time in prison.

 

The answer to the OP's question. Yes.

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HereNorThere

We'll, considering your wife was still contacting OM and trying to leave you for him, yeah.

 

She saw how much pain you were in and still continued, so you have the answer to your question.

 

No one is that naive. It's like "hey, do you think that people will still shoot people knowing that bullets can hurt them?"

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Mostly I think, cheating is not a thinking disease.

The only thinking my ex did was thinking she wouldn’t get caught.

 

 

ex didn’t have an affair partner or even ONSs. She was more of the “dine and dash” school of infidelity.

Very hard to catch or prove. If I hadn’t un-expectantly caught her in the act, she would probably be doing the same thing….

 

 

I worked a lot. She came into contact with a lot of people (men), was flirty and a very sexual person…......

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Yes, it is not a process that is usually planned. although i have read a few that seem to be premeditated to where i would say that type of infidelity is a different part of the body gone wrong and needs a different kind of help.

 

i disagree with this.

 

infidelity is, in fact, a VERY planned process.

finding your AP & starting the affair may not be planned (in most cases) but everything else? absolutely planned (secret mails, secret phones, secret meetings, lies...). you need to plan every meeting, think of every lie, think about covering everything up...

 

What i am getting at is that infidelity/cheating is an addiction. Addicts don't usually plan nor think of consequence, just to follow the high.

 

again, infidelity is VERY carefully planned. cheaters usually do know & are aware of everything, including the consequences but the thing is... they just don't care enough to stop. they usually want it so bad, they move past the "OHMYGOD, WHAT IF I GET DISCOVERED?!?" thinking. it happens because either they don't think they will get caught so they avoid thinking about it OR the love they feel & the desire for their AP is so much bigger & stronger than the love and the desire they feel for their spouse - so they can't stop themselves from being with the person who truly makes them happy.

 

This gets us in trouble in regards to the why's. If we take the statement at face value, it creates a contradiction in that the marriage was also too good to leave it vs the alternatives.

 

if the marriage is too good to leave - it doesn't mean that it's a good marriage. too good to leave usually means - small kids, finances, comfortable life, religion, avoiding judgement from other people, not wanting to cause mess & confusing among friends and families... people would rather stay in dead marriages then having to live alone & not see their kids every single day UNLESS there is a good, valid reason (the AP.)

 

This is why we do not solve infidelity by solving marriage problems but by solving personal problems. IE addictions.

 

i have to disagree with this, too.

affairs aren't addiction, IMO.

 

VERY few people are serially cheating & are "addicted" to having affairs and to the affair fog, etc. the truth is, actually, simple - people cheat because they aren't happy in their marriages. cheating, in most cases, comes from a flawed marriage & bad relationship with the spouses - NOT from personal problems.

 

i've seen people solving their personal problems only to discover that it still wasn't enough for them to love their spouses like a spouse deserves to be loved.

Edited by minimariah
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Cheaters cheat because they think they won't ever get caught. Period.

 

Guilt might bring a confession but cheaters don't initiate an A with the intent to confess.

 

So, to answer the question: Do you think cheaters would cheat if they knew how much pain it would cause?

 

No, they rationalize: what their spouse doesn't know won't hurt them

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purplesorrow
i disagree with this.

 

infidelity is, in fact, a VERY planned process.

finding your AP & starting the affair may not be planned (in most cases) but everything else? absolutely planned (secret mails, secret phones, secret meetings, lies...). you need to plan every meeting, think of every lie, think about covering everything up...

 

 

 

again, infidelity is VERY carefully planned. cheaters usually do know & are aware of everything, including the consequences but the thing is... they just don't care enough to stop. they usually want it so bad, they move past the "OHMYGOD, WHAT IF I GET DISCOVERED?!?" thinking. it happens because either they don't think they will get caught so they avoid thinking about it OR the love they feel & the desire for their AP is so much bigger & stronger than the love and the desire they feel for their spouse - so they can't stop themselves from being with the person who truly makes them happy.

 

 

 

if the marriage is too good to leave - it doesn't mean that it's a good marriage. too good to leave usually means - small kids, finances, comfortable life, religion, avoiding judgement from other people, not wanting to cause mess & confusing among friends and families... people would rather stay in dead marriages then having to live alone & not see their kids every single day UNLESS there is a good, valid reason (the AP.)

 

 

 

i have to disagree with this, too.

affairs aren't addiction, IMO.

 

VERY few people are serially cheating & are "addicted" to having affairs and to the affair fog, etc. the truth is, actually, simple - people cheat because they aren't happy in their marriages. cheating, in most cases, comes from a flawed marriage & bad relationship with the spouses - NOT from personal problems.

 

i've seen people solving their personal problems only to discover that it still wasn't enough for them to love their spouses like a spouse deserves to be loved.

 

This was not our experience. My stbx cheated because he wasn't happy with himself. We both agree our marriage was good. He has been in IC for over two years now working on himself. I think if a person is healthy, they react to situations in healthy ways. After dday, my marriage was non existent but I managed not to cheat.

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Yes because they only care about themselves and many have a victim complex so in their eyes you deserve it because of whatever perceived wrong.

 

THIS!

It's a thing that's not really talked much when discussing cheaters, but it's a very common trait of cheaters.

 

Mots of them seem to be always coping with problems of some sort: traumas of the past (sexual abuse, bad childhood, parental neglect), social phobias, paranoia, etc.

 

I suppose the "victim mentality" can give them some mental support that engourages them to cross the line. Something like: "after everything that I've endured in life I deserve to at least have some fun/pleasure/happiness, etc".

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HereNorThere
i disagree with this.

 

infidelity is, in fact, a VERY planned process.

finding your AP & starting the affair may not be planned (in most cases) but everything else? absolutely planned (secret mails, secret phones, secret meetings, lies...). you need to plan every meeting, think of every lie, think about covering everything up...

 

 

 

again, infidelity is VERY carefully planned. cheaters usually do know & are aware of everything, including the consequences but the thing is... they just don't care enough to stop. they usually want it so bad, they move past the "OHMYGOD, WHAT IF I GET DISCOVERED?!?" thinking. it happens because either they don't think they will get caught so they avoid thinking about it OR the love they feel & the desire for their AP is so much bigger & stronger than the love and the desire they feel for their spouse - so they can't stop themselves from being with the person who truly makes them happy.

 

 

 

if the marriage is too good to leave - it doesn't mean that it's a good marriage. too good to leave usually means - small kids, finances, comfortable life, religion, avoiding judgement from other people, not wanting to cause mess & confusing among friends and families... people would rather stay in dead marriages then having to live alone & not see their kids every single day UNLESS there is a good, valid reason (the AP.)

 

 

 

i have to disagree with this, too.

affairs aren't addiction, IMO.

 

VERY few people are serially cheating & are "addicted" to having affairs and to the affair fog, etc. the truth is, actually, simple - people cheat because they aren't happy in their marriages. cheating, in most cases, comes from a flawed marriage & bad relationship with the spouses - NOT from personal problems.

 

i've seen people solving their personal problems only to discover that it still wasn't enough for them to love their spouses like a spouse deserves to be loved.

 

You had me until the last part. Sorry, but infidelity is considered a criteria in a lot of mental disorders. Histrionic, Borderline, Bi-polar/mixed state depression and Narcissistic personality disorder order are known to have much, much higher rates of infidelity. If you were sexually or physically abused, came from a home of divorced parents, one or more of your parents or guardians committed infidelity, you are statistically much more inclined to behaviors that violate the rights of others.

 

For more anecdotal evidence, just take a look around the forums. A huge percentage of them were actually pretty happy in their marriage and never wanted to leave it. Most enjoyed the thrill, but has no intentions of leaving their marriage. In fact, I'm shocked by the number of people who actually "cheat down" with people who aren't nearly as good partner as their spouse.

 

In psychology, the biggest indicator of a person at a higher risk of infidelity has to do with the propensity to seek out novelty or thrill seeking behaviors. Problematic gambling, substance abuse/addiction, lack of impulse control, limited capacity for empathy (google mirror neurons for a neat theory on empathy) and cheating are on the same spectrum of behavior.

 

Or simply put, cheaters gonna cheat. In fact, there's a lot of new evidence now that there are "cheating genes." That doesn't mean that you are biologically programmed to cheat, it means that some people have a predisposition for impulse control disorders. We are a product of biological, sociological and psychological influences in our life and sadly, we have much less free will than we would like to think.

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