H's brother

[jt849]

I have been lurking on this site for close to two years now! I have finally gotten to the point where I need some advice before I go crazy. I posted to this section because I think the people here have the best advice and also may know my feelings better. If you can suggest a different section better suited for my situation please let me know.

 

This is going to be long (8 years of history), sorry in advance! I have no idea where to start...

 

H and I met and got married very shortly after. I will be honest and say that I felt like he was a safe choice and through out the years I have opened up to him and told him that. He says that he always knew that and that he just thought that he would never get better than me so he knew he had to take me when he could. We both were at a point in our lives (completely different situations) where we could use each other for selfish reasons. I am so open with him and have shared all of my feelings with him- except this one that I am about to share with you. But I am really happy that I have him as my hubby and year after year I appreciate how our relationship has unfolded. We have a non traditional dynamic to our relationship.

 

Okay so H's brother, T- I met T the same time I met H(8 years ago). They are bother's and super close. When H and I were dating we would always hang out with T and his wife. I soon became friends with T's wife but got even closer to T. T and I are so much a like in every way. H knows that we are practically the same person, same sense of humor, same drive, same outlook on life. I just saw T as a brother at first. I am not sure when I started to question my feelings towards him but I would guess it is before we moved out of the country (4 years ago). I remember feeling that I would miss him dearly and was surprised at how upset I was to be leaving him. We were out of the country for 1 year and hardly talked to any family. When we came back home we moved in with T and his wife for over a year while figure out our living situation. It was like we were all back in college living with them, no kids, we hadn't seen each other in over a year. This is when I started having these confusing feelings for T. We got along great, his wife and H knew we were close. They even would be blunt about our messing around/flirting. Both T and I were more outgoing around everyone than his wife and H were so it kind of seemed normal I guess? We end up developing an amazing friendship. H, T and I hung out non stop. There were a couple of times where T and I would be alone at home and I would get this strange vibe from him. He would try to avoid me almost and not communicate. I blew it off at first. Then as the years past I noticed this same behavior while texting, if we had been texting for a long time he would immediately stop and I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of days. There have been times in the past couple of years when events like these or different situations happen and I would come to this forum but never had the guts to write anything. Then the feelings would pass and then something would happen again.

 

I do suspect that he has some feelings for me, and he is such a great brother that is why he might have those moments where he backs off instantly, or I might be wrong. He might not have any feelings and he might sense that I have some feelings for him so if he feels that we are getting too close he just cuts ties for a little. I have no idea.

 

Anyways, I am trying to figure out the best way to handle this situation. He is my H's brother so he will be in my life forever, I can't just ignore him. Also, I know he sees me as a great friend and might be confused if I just stop all communication with him. I don't think it is necessary to do that either.

 

What is the best way to approach this? Should I be open with T? I would hate to jeopardize our 8 years of friendship if he has no idea what I am talking about.

 

 

Also, sorry if things seemed staggered. I tried to give the best possible back story to my relationship with H and also T so that you can fully understand the situation. I appreciate any advice! Thanks for taking the time to read my long story.

Edited March 4, 2015 by jt849

[gettingstronger]

The brother either

 

1. sees you as a sister-in-law/family (which you are) and so the closeness is not sexual and you are reading too much in to it

 

2. has good boundaries and if he has feelings for you does not want to act on them so don't push it

 

either way, I think its your issue to work out either with your husband (hey, I have a major crush on your brother and its freaking me out) or on your own- I would not talk with the brother about it- he is acting appropriately in my mind-

[jt849]

The brother either

 

1. sees you as a sister-in-law/family (which you are) and so the closeness is not sexual and you are reading too much in to it

 

2. has good boundaries and if he has feelings for you does not want to act on them so don't push it

 

either way, I think its your issue to work out either with your husband (hey, I have a major crush on your brother and its freaking me out) or on your own- I would not talk with the brother about it- he is acting appropriately in my mind-

 

Edit- #2- I agree that he has good boundaries and knows when to use them.

 

I know that he likes this attention that I give him, laughing at all of his jokes and messing around with me. I know that he knows what turns me on (not talking sexually) and connect with me emotionally based off of conversations and situations in the past with H present.

 

 

And I do no think bringing this up to H will help. If anything I will need to work it out myself.

Edited March 5, 2015 by jt849

[Ralph79]

Edit- #2- I agree that he has good boundaries and knows when to use them.

 

I know that he likes this attention that I give him, laughing at all of his jokes and messing around with me. I know that he knows what turns me on (not talking sexually) and connect with me emotionally based off of conversations and situations in the past with H present.

 

 

And I do no think bringing this up to H will help. If anything I will need to work it out myself.

 

I recommend reading the Original Post in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/514928-i-m-love-my-husband-s-best-friend

 

To sum it up. Girl marries guy, she meets his best friend. She becomes his best friend as well. Situations lead them to live together. She protests and pleads to her husband not to let their best friend move in, but never tells him why (her growing feelings towards him), and a really disastrous affairs ensues.

 

I think you could learn a lot from that story, and telling your H before anything bad happens can actually help.

 

There's is nothing to be ashamed of. You've done nothing wrong so far.

Developing emotions is human, acting on them under inappropriate circumstances is what makes us lose our integrity.

[HereNorThere]

I'm guessing you already crossed the line with the brother, but I'm naturally a skeptic, so for the sake of the post, I'm going to pretend you haven't already slept with him.

 

Most healthy people couldn't even contemplate such a evil, calculated act. I mean, you do realize you are talking about destroying his whole family, right? No person would be left unharmed. Mom and dad would have to chose sides, brothers would become mortal enemies, no one would have any foundation of trust in their life and god forbid that you got pregnant, omg.

 

One of my brothers is married to a text book gorgeous woman that I get along great, but I'd kick my own ass if I even looked at her as anything other than my sister. Your husbands brother is YOUR brother and completely off limits. I see nothing in your post about how this would DESTROY his family. Obviously you aren't thinking this all the way through. I just really hope that it isn't because you already went through with it and don't want to contemplate what's going to happen.

 

From now on, the brother has to be strictly business. You can't be friends anymore because you've already demonstrated that you can't handle it. Let's just hope that the brother's boundaries are a million times stronger than yours.

Edited March 5, 2015 by HereNorThere

[atreides]

I am always amazed at how never telling the spouse comes up. You are headed for disaster, i hope your H's brother has ironclad boundaries as i don't see you having enough to end your feelings by the way you talk about him. You should tell your H honestly that you are developing/developed inappropriate feelings. We can't control who we are attracted to, that is a given but we can control how and what we do about it.

 

It's not cheating, so you are ahead of the game. IF it were me, I would appreciate the honesty so may your H. It arms the marriage, the both of you to set things right. Perhaps move out sooner, create a cool off period and such. I think telling your H could be a great move for you two as a couple.

 

my 2 cents.

[drifter777]

I'm confused about exactly what you want from your brother-in-law. Do you want a romantic thing with him?

[jt849]

The brother either

I would not talk with the brother about it- he is acting appropriately in my mind-

 

I reread this and it hit me. I completely agree with this.

[jt849]

I recommend reading the Original Post in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/514928-i-m-love-my-husband-s-best-friend

 

To sum it up. Girl marries guy, she meets his best friend. She becomes his best friend as well. Situations lead them to live together. She protests and pleads to her husband not to let their best friend move in, but never tells him why (her growing feelings towards him), and a really disastrous affairs ensues.

 

I think you could learn a lot from that story, and telling your H before anything bad happens can actually help.

 

There's is nothing to be ashamed of. You've done nothing wrong so far.

Developing emotions is human, acting on them under inappropriate circumstances is what makes us lose our integrity.

 

Thanks for the thread. I read it. I think my answers to the other poster's responses will also answer this.

[jt849]

I'm guessing you already crossed the line with the brother, but I'm naturally a skeptic, so for the sake of the post, I'm going to pretend you haven't already slept with him.

 

Most healthy people couldn't even contemplate such a evil, calculated act. I mean, you do realize you are talking about destroying his whole family, right? No person would be left unharmed. Mom and dad would have to chose sides, brothers would become mortal enemies, no one would have any foundation of trust in their life and god forbid that you got pregnant, omg.

 

One of my brothers is married to a text book gorgeous woman that I get along great, but I'd kick my own ass if I even looked at her as anything other than my sister. Your husbands brother is YOUR brother and completely off limits. I see nothing in your post about how this would DESTROY his family. Obviously you aren't thinking this all the way through. I just really hope that it isn't because you already went through with it and don't want to contemplate what's going to happen.

 

From now on, the brother has to be strictly business. You can't be friends anymore because you've already demonstrated that you can't handle it. Let's just hope that the brother's boundaries are a million times stronger than yours.

 

We haven't crossed any physical lines at all.

[jt849]

I am always amazed at how never telling the spouse comes up. You are headed for disaster, i hope your H's brother has ironclad boundaries as i don't see you having enough to end your feelings by the way you talk about him. You should tell your H honestly that you are developing/developed inappropriate feelings. We can't control who we are attracted to, that is a given but we can control how and what we do about it.

 

It's not cheating, so you are ahead of the game. IF it were me, I would appreciate the honesty so may your H. It arms the marriage, the both of you to set things right. Perhaps move out sooner, create a cool off period and such. I think telling your H could be a great move for you two as a couple.

 

my 2 cents.

 

 

Something that came into my thoughts after reading through all the responses- I remember telling hubby a couple of years ago that T is the only person out of his friends that hasn't hit on me. I can't think of one of his friends that hasn't touched me inappropriately or made remarks along the lines of I wish you were my wife. I told H about every single one of them after they happened. This has helped me trust T even more. I do feel like I don't have the best boundaries or maybe hard to stand up for them, since T does have much better boundaries I guess I have trusted those a lot more.

 

It might take me a few days but maybe I will come to terms that the best solution is to be open with H about it.

[HereNorThere]

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the brother. After all, he's not the one who is so obsessed that he needs to write anonymous Internet forums to pine for you. You have the problem, you need to address it. Healthy people don't obsess about sleeping with their family members, but you do.

[atreides]

Something that came into my thoughts after reading through all the responses- I remember telling hubby a couple of years ago that T is the only person out of his friends that hasn't hit on me. I can't think of one of his friends that hasn't touched me inappropriately or made remarks along the lines of I wish you were my wife. I told H about every single one of them after they happened. This has helped me trust T even more. I do feel like I don't have the best boundaries or maybe hard to stand up for them, since T does have much better boundaries I guess I have trusted those a lot more.

 

It might take me a few days but maybe I will come to terms that the best solution is to be open with H about it.

 

Great, please do be open with your H, kudos. That makes for a stronger marriage. If it were me, it would make me trust you even more.

[jt849]

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the brother. After all, he's not the one who is so obsessed that he needs to write anonymous Internet forums to pine for you. You have the problem, you need to address it. Healthy people don't obsess about sleeping with their family members, but you do.

 

Thanks for the constructive criticism. I don't blame him at all. I am trying to address it.

[jt849]

I'm confused about exactly what you want from your brother-in-law. Do you want a romantic thing with him?

 

No, nothing romantic at all. I guess to set boundaries (he might not need them, but for me) because these feelings are obviously not something that should be further explored. It sounds weird saying that we need boundaries because I do in a way view him as a brother, but in some instances those feelings do pop up.

[DKT3]

What would you like to happen should you have this conversation with BIL?

 

I would bet your alone in your feelings, BIL likely sees you as a sister and not an object of affection. He cuts you off from time to time because YOU push the limits and not because he feels weak, which is what you want to believe.

 

Secondly, what do you plan to accomplish by having this conversation with your husband? It will only cause a rift between him and his brother, because you've allow a crush to develope.

 

Going from what your saying, this is your issue, one not likely shared by BIL.

 

I'm not saying not to have the conversation, I'm saying you have to expect some backlash and family drama. Or you can grow up, understand that you are pushing the limits and stop. Stop making excuses for yourself, stop convincing yourself you have this special one of a kind connection.

[Spectre]

I do suspect that he has some feelings for me, and he is such a great brother that is why he might have those moments where he backs off instantly

 

This sentence right here tells us all that needs to be said about this. You feel a man could have feelings for his brothers wife while still being a "great brother" ? But oh, he backs off instantly! That..doesn't help.

 

So we have two red flags. One, if the brother does have feelings for you, he's not great. Two, you thought a guy who has feelings for his brothers wife was still a great brother, which bothers me more then anything else.

 

Lady if he was such a great brother he wouldn't be the subject of a topic on a forum like this.

[jt849]

What would you like to happen should you have this conversation with BIL?

 

I would bet your alone in your feelings, BIL likely sees you as a sister and not an object of affection. He cuts you off from time to time because YOU push the limits and not because he feels weak, which is what you want to believe.

 

Secondly, what do you plan to accomplish by having this conversation with your husband? It will only cause a rift between him and his brother, because you've allow a crush to develope.

 

Going from what your saying, this is your issue, one not likely shared by BIL.

 

I'm not saying not to have the conversation, I'm saying you have to expect some backlash and family drama. Or you can grow up, understand that you are pushing the limits and stop. Stop making excuses for yourself, stop convincing yourself you have this special one of a kind connection.

 

 

-I wouldn't disagree with this. In hindsight it is most likely the fact that he doesn't have feelings for me. I wouldn't really say that I push limits, especially not sexually. I am quite shy when it comes down to that.

 

Maybe just tell H there is a little crush. He most likely already knows this.

 

Thanks for this. I wouldn't want to bring anything up and hurt the family, especially if it is unnecessary.

[jt849]

This sentence right here tells us all that needs to be said about this. You feel a man could have feelings for his brothers wife while still being a "great brother" ? But oh, he backs off instantly! That..doesn't help.

 

So we have two red flags. One, if the brother does have feelings for you, he's not great. Two, you thought a guy who has feelings for his brothers wife was still a great brother, which bothers me more then anything else.

 

Lady if he was such a great brother he wouldn't be the subject of a topic on a forum like this.

 

I wouldn't agree with this. I am starting to see things a little differently after reading some responses. But I don't agree with if he did have feelings that doesn't make him a bad person or brother.

[HereNorThere]

I'm all for honesty and what not, but yeah, unless you absolutely cannot control yourself around the brother, for god sakes, just keep your mouth shut. If you need to talk, find a therapist or a friend.

 

You really don't have to tell your spouse every time you're attracted to someone unless it's become an issue. If what you're saying is true, just lock that stuff off in your head and move on with your life. Even admitting to having a crush on his brother is enough to get you killed in some fundamentalist countries. You don't want to be known for this.

 

Do not think you can disclose this to your husband without some sort of repercussions. I can imagine Christmas, his Mom, etc would get pretty awkward after that. Be thankful nothing happened, relieved you got it off your chest and move slowly and cautiously through the rest of your life.

 

And the brother is strictly business from now on. Yes, No, Hi and Bye.

[HereNorThere]

I wouldn't agree with this. I am starting to see things a little differently after reading some responses. But I don't agree with if he did have feelings that doesn't make him a bad person or brother.

 

You make me feel like a FANTASTIC brother then.

 

If that doesn't make you a bad brother, I don't know what does. Does he have to stab or shoot him? I mean, what's really left on the betrayal scale?

 

I feel a lot less guilty about that check I forgot to mail for sister's birthday now though.

[gettingstronger]

I can't think of one of his friends that hasn't touched me inappropriately or made remarks along the lines of I wish you were my wife.

 

 

Why is this- you say you are shy but I am wondering about your boundaries and the vibe you give off-

I am unsure of your age, but I recall when we were newly married in our 20's there was a wife in our circle that swore every husband hit on her- I didn't really notice until she mentioned it to me one day, so I watched her a bit after that- it was her that seemed to flirt with all the husbands-some responded, some didn't- I asked my husband about it and he said, well, she's one of "those" types that needs lots of attention of others-

 

Anyway- back to the brother- my best guess is he sees you as a sister (in law) and a close family members and loves you in that way-

[whichwayisup]

Do nothing about it. Don't talk to him about it. He probably feels a connection too but he is NOT I repeat NOT going to put himself in a stupid situation where something happens between the two of you because NO good can come of it. He's extremely close to his brother, your husband. He loves his wife and doesn't want to cheat on her, let alone betray his own brother.

 

You need to put a bit of distance between you and T. Stop texting so much, stop spending so much time with him when you're all together.

[Lurkeraspect]

This sentence right here tells us all that needs to be said about this. You feel a man could have feelings for his brothers wife while still being a "great brother" ? But oh, he backs off instantly! That..doesn't help.

 

So we have two red flags. One, if the brother does have feelings for you, he's not great. Two, you thought a guy who has feelings for his brothers wife was still a great brother, which bothers me more then anything else.

 

Lady if he was such a great brother he wouldn't be the subject of a topic on a forum like this.

 

What? No lines have been crossed here. Not everyone is the boogeyman. Good lord. You're in full projection mode.

[sandylee1]

You need to get a grip and know your boundaries. I can't imagine any such feelings for my BIL. Some things are just plain wrong and this is one of them. Start seeing him as your own brother, this could help as I'm hoping you wouldn't cross that line.

 

You mention all your H's friends have hit on you. I can only summise that you are giving off certain vibes, for ALL of his friends to have done this.