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Making it to MC on Friday will be.....


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the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. The gut wrenching pain, grief etc. is almost too much to bear. I've found solace in my children, my work and the potential for a better life.

 

I've got a lot of pressure on me to go to counseling on Friday. I asked her today if she is going to MC in hopes of saving our marriage. She said, she couldn't answer that question. I also asked her if she still loved him and she said "I don't know, that's why I'm going to counseling"

 

Her mother is begging me to hang in there. My parents are saying I have a choice. Do I hang in there and try to help a borderline sociopath or do I throw her to the proverbial wolves and let things manifest potentially to negatively impact my children.

 

I don't wish this on my worst enemy. It is literally debilitating...........

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autumnnight

Has she been diagnosed? I must have missed that.

 

I still think the two of you should divorce.

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Has she been diagnosed? I must have missed that.

 

I still think the two of you should divorce.

 

Her mother believes she is Bi Polar but she hasn't been officially diagnosed. She believes the therapist will weed this out and refer her to a trained clinician.

 

Hell now she just told me we need to buy a new dishwasher. The mood swings, the ups and down are amazing.

 

I believe we are going to get a divorce. I'm not sure why she wants me to go to therapy with her when she is showing no remorse(other than wearing her wedding ring) and is in love with her predator AP.

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autumnnight

Exactly. She shows no remorse. I do not think you are wired for real recovery. I think it's an exercise in futility.

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Exactly. She shows no remorse. I do not think you are wired for real recovery. I think it's an exercise in futility.

 

What do you believe her motivation is to go to MC so bad? She wants me in that room on Friday worse than she's ever wanted me to do anything.

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Whoa, bud! It is much too soon for MC, IMHO.

 

Is she remorseful, transparent, begging you back?

 

she should be kicked out and you should be in IC.

 

In MC, the marriage is the client and both you and she can take turns in the hot seat.

 

Are you ready for that?

 

I wasn't. I walked out twice.

 

Until he was ready to be accountable for throwing a grenade into our marriage with his affair, there was no way I would be ready to admit whatever issues I had or didn't have in our marriage.

 

Why the H do you feel pressure to put Humpty Dumpty back together again when she feels none?

 

I understand that knee jerk reaction to keep the family intact at all costs, but the costs to you, your self-esteem, your pride and integrity will not disappear with a reluctant cheating spouse.

 

When you see change, real change, where you know you mean the world to her and she will do anything for you to recommit to HER......then MC may be helpful.

 

good luck on Friday. I mean that sincerely. Unless both are committed, it' a lot like whistling in the wind.

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autumnnight
What do you believe her motivation is to go to MC so bad? She wants me in that room on Friday worse than she's ever wanted me to do anything.

 

My guess is that there is something she wants to tell you and she wants the MC there.

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What do you believe her motivation is to go to MC so bad? She wants me in that room on Friday worse than she's ever wanted me to do anything.

 

Could be she has something to tell you and feels the therapist can help.

 

I wanted to say don't blame yourself for the impact your wife's affair will have. You can't stay in this marriage with an unremorseful woman, it will be like prison. You would be very unhappy not to mention it sets a horrible example for your kids.

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My guess is that there is something she wants to tell you and she wants the MC there.

 

Why not just tell me now?

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Probably feels that therapy is a much safer environment.

 

But I already know she is in love with him. What could be worse than that? I know she isn't pregnant.

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But I already know she is in love with him. What could be worse than that? I know she isn't pregnant.

 

More than likely it's going to be "I wouldn't have done this if you would have done this and this." Again, she probably feels that it will be a safe environment to blame shift.

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Hope Shimmers
My parents are saying I have a choice. Do I hang in there and try to help a borderline sociopath or do I throw her to the proverbial wolves and let things manifest potentially to negatively impact my children.

 

Wow, that's a strong diagnosis to give someone just based on your own opinion. In my opinion she isn't a sociopath; she's just a woman who had an affair in a disastrous marriage. Doesn't make it right, but also does not in any way make her a 'sociopath'.

 

I noticed this trend in your last thread where people were insinuating that she is some sort of crazed psychotic person. I get that she threatened to file things legally against you, etc, but so do a lot of people who are angry and divorcing. And you, frankly, don't exhibit any less volatility and emotionality in your reactions than she does. It seems your entire marriage has been filled with threats to divorce and emotional outbursts and just general unhappiness - on both ends. It would be interesting to hear her side of all of this.

 

I wish both of you the best.

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More than likely it's going to be "I wouldn't have done this if you would have done this and this." Again, she probably feels that it will be a safe environment to blame shift.

 

A-ha.......that will be hilarious and seal the fate of our marriage. I'm giving her one session for the sake of my kids and because my MIL asked me to. I am going to lead the discussion with the following:

 

1. My wife hates me with the fury of a 1000 suns.

 

2. She is in the midst of a 6 year emotional & physical relationship with a coworker and is still in love with him.

 

3. In the days leading up to this session, she has threatened me a protective order to get me thrown out of my home and keep me away from my children while maintaining her relationship with this man.

 

4. She has shown no remorse, made attempts to quit her job or find a new one, and refuses to talk about any of our issues.

 

Even though I believe it takes 2 people willing to work in order for MC to be successful(it's apparent she isn't), I'm here because my family asked me not to give up just yet.

 

So tell me Counselor and WW.....Why am I here? : )

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Friskyone4u

I posted on your other thread that I fully support everything you did . What confuses me is why you are bothering to go through this exercise for her pleasure. Apparently she has told you she loves this OM so there is zero chance she is going there to try to reconcile . I think she wants to have a safe place to blame you for her affair because she is pissed you outed her. Just another selfish

Action on her part .

What's in it for you? To sit there and have her tell you that you deserved what she did and to pay to listen to that . And quite honestly , any MC worth their fee will tell you they don't do therapy with couples when one is actively still in her affair.

There is no reconciliation coming here . She probably want to keep her boyfriend and stay married so you may hear some **** like she needs time to detach . Do not fall for it.

My advice to you would be to tell her if she loves him here is the divorce packet for you to sign

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I posted on your other thread that I fully support everything you did . What confuses me is why you are bothering to go through this exercise for her pleasure. Apparently she has told you she loves this OM so there is zero chance she is going there to try to reconcile . I think she wants to have a safe place to blame you for her affair because she is pissed you outed her. Just another selfish

Action on her part .

What's in it for you? To sit there and have her tell you that you deserved what she did and to pay to listen to that . And quite honestly , any MC worth their fee will tell you they don't do therapy with couples when one is actively still in her affair.

There is no reconciliation coming here . She probably want to keep her boyfriend and stay married so you may hear some **** like she needs time to detach . Do not fall for it.

My advice to you would be to tell her if she loves him here is the divorce packet for you to sign

 

Frisky, I'm doing it because my MIL begged me to go and I feel like I owe my children a shot. Anything other than remorse and empathy and I will walk out.

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A-ha.......that will be hilarious and seal the fate of our marriage. I'm giving her one session for the sake of my kids and because my MIL asked me to. I am going to lead the discussion with the following:

 

1. My wife hates me with the fury of a 1000 suns.

 

2. She is in the midst of a 6 year emotional & physical relationship with a coworker and is still in love with him.

 

3. In the days leading up to this session, she has threatened me a protective order to get me thrown out of my home and keep me away from my children while maintaining her relationship with this man.

 

4. She has shown no remorse, made attempts to quit her job or find a new one, and refuses to talk about any of our issues.

 

Even though I believe it takes 2 people willing to work in order for MC to be successful(it's apparent she isn't), I'm here because my family asked me not to give up just yet.

 

So tell me Counselor and WW.....Why am I here? : )

 

Well, the counselor would ask you to answer that question.

 

 

She has no reason to think you're leaving her - heck, she wipes her nose and you seem to believe that means she wants to work on the marriage...

 

Even wearing her ring seems like manipulation - so don't necessarily take it as a sign she acts married.

 

Of all your posts there isn't one thing she's done that leads me to believe she intends to make the marriage a good one.

 

In fact, from this perspective it looks like she enjoys having a willing participant in her brand of crazy - and she knows you're used to it, so much so that you think it's normal.

 

 

In a healthy relationship - people aren't this mean. She is truly mean if what you've stated is true - yet you stay!

 

She will manipulate you as long as you keep allowing her to by participating with her brand of craziness.

 

When I divorced my crazy exH - I cut all forms of communicating with him off - I got my teenagers cell phones and addressed them directly. I never talked badly to them about their Dad - I just told then it wasn't necessary to get his input anymore since we weren't married anymore. My kids and I made decisions between ourselves. Ten years later we have wonderful communication. My kids come to me with anything on their mind.

 

I think you're brainwashed by thinking your W is normal... You may only realize how odd she is if you can keep your distance from her for a long time... But I caution you - the lie without all that drama is boring for people that have gotten used to crazy.

 

I hope you get IC so you can learn what a peaceful life looks like for yourself. I doubt you're going to get that while staying married.

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Well, the counselor would ask you to answer that question.

 

 

She has no reason to think you're leaving her - heck, she wipes her nose and you seem to believe that means she wants to work on the marriage...

 

Even wearing her ring seems like manipulation - so don't necessarily take it as a sign she acts married.

 

Of all your posts there isn't one thing she's done that leads me to believe she intends to make the marriage a good one.

 

In fact, from this perspective it looks like she enjoys having a willing participant in her brand of crazy - and she knows you're used to it, so much so that you think it's normal.

 

 

In a healthy relationship - people aren't this mean. She is truly mean if what you've stated is true - yet you stay!

 

She will manipulate you as long as you keep allowing her to by participating with her brand of craziness.

 

When I divorced my crazy exH - I cut all forms of communicating with him off - I got my teenagers cell phones and addressed them directly. I never talked badly to them about their Dad - I just told then it wasn't necessary to get his input anymore since we weren't married anymore. My kids and I made decisions between ourselves. Ten years later we have wonderful communication. My kids come to me with anything on their mind.

 

I think you're brainwashed by thinking your W is normal... You may only realize how odd she is if you can keep your distance from her for a long time... But I caution you - the lie without all that drama is boring for people that have gotten used to crazy.

 

I hope you get IC so you can learn what a peaceful life looks like for yourself. I doubt you're going to get that while staying married.

 

Thanks beach.....I know she isn't normal. No normal person is this mean.

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Frisky, I'm doing it because my MIL begged me to go and I feel like I owe my children a shot. Anything other than remorse and empathy and I will walk out.

 

You know what, it's an hour out of your life, not a huge investment. If it makes you feel better about what you're doing in any way, go. Agree with others, short of a heart transplant not much hope for success. At this point, it's probably one more thing to cross off your list on the way to dissolution...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Personally I think you're jumping the gun on marriage counseling as it really sounds like she needs to see a therapist. Not to mention I wouldn't place too much hope in marriage counseling. Sometimes couples have to go through 2 or 3 before they find one that actually works for them and many seem to have a rug sweeping/"get past it/let it go" mentality when it comes to affairs and cheating.

 

I'd also stop asking questions about whether she loves you or wants to make the marriage work etc. She's obviously not going to give you any concrete answers at this point in time. You need to save that for marriage counseling if that's the route you're going to take.

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2. She is in the midst of a 6 year emotional & physical relationship with a coworker and is still in love with him.

 

It baffles me how the M is to be repaired when you stated this.

 

Please enlighten me - how do you expect to miraculously change how she loves him?

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It baffles me how the M is to be repaired when you stated this.

 

Please enlighten me - how do you expect to miraculously change how she loves him?

 

 

I'm not trying to change how she loves him. I've come to grips with it. Like I said, I'm going to to this one session of MC because my MIL begged me and I owe my children one shot. If the affair isn't addressed in a remorseful fashion, I am done. I don't expect her to do this regardless.

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whichwayisup
I'm not trying to change how she loves him. I've come to grips with it. Like I said, I'm going to to this one session of MC because my MIL begged me and I owe my children one shot. If the affair isn't addressed in a remorseful fashion, I am done. I don't expect her to do this regardless.

 

Is your MIL aware of all the issues? The affair, the bi polar and how she is acting now?

 

Just shield your heart. Control any temper that rises, be calm. If anything, be indifferent and if possible show frustration but out of care for the mother of your children.

 

Don't give the therapist any reason to put all this on you. Never know what your wife told her.

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Is your MIL aware of all the issues? The affair, the bi polar and how she is acting now?

 

Just shield your heart. Control any temper that rises, be calm. If anything, be indifferent and if possible show frustration but out of care for the mother of your children.

 

Don't give the therapist any reason to put all this on you. Never know what your wife told her.

 

My MIL is aware of all the issues which is why she begged me to go to counseling.

 

If the therapist puts this all on me, I will be SHOCKED. Then again, nothing is shocking to me anymore recently. : )

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