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Both Married, Had Emotional/Physical Affair.. Can I save the Affair?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd March 2015, 11:52 AM   #1
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Both Married, Had Emotional/Physical Affair.. Can I save the Affair?

Hi this is my first post. I have lurked for some time. I will try to be short and to the point.

I reconnected with an old friend 3 years ago. He had gotten married. I fell in love with his wife the first time I met her and we quickly became friends. She was very flirty with me and after trying to stop myself for a year I finally started texting her. This led to a very raunchy dom/sub text relationship, skype sex, phone sex, and eventually physical stuff. We were very hot during the honeymoon phase but soon the burden of it all became too much and I said we needed to tone it down because I couldn't maintain the texting with my kids and wife around. I also around this period of time had 3 months worth of business trips which also caused me to become much less available. Finally I had issues with my parents towards the end of the year that ended up with my mom passing away. For about a month I was completely out of the picture invested in this. After all that was over, I tried to reconnect but it was a struggle. I managed to reestablish some of the old flame but this time it was different. I fell in love. I had to have this girl. She was the only thing I looked forward to. We started meeting as often as our complicated schedules would allow. We would also get together with mutual friends, including her husband, and play games and what not but we would always sneak a kiss or a rub and it couldn't have been more obvious to everyone.

I am unhappily married. She is seems content to stay married but doesn't seem like she is in love with her husband, rather just comfortable with the situation. They don't have any children. She has told me that I just met her too late and she would have married me in a heartbeat if she wasn't already married.

I foolishly (or not) revealed my feelings to her that I loved her. It turns out she ended up revealing to me that she also loved me. Unfortunately, this new dynamic led to a string of make ups and break ups that seemed to happen almost weekly and she felt I was emotionally unstable after all i went through with my parents.

Just when I thought everything was going alright, I sent her some flowers and bought her a gift (which I still haven't given to her). Also, I ended up confronting my wife about my unhappiness and told her I wanted a divorce. When my affair partner found out about this she pretty much completely flipped out and dropped me. I think she felt that I would want her to leave her marriage (and I do) to be with me but she simply cannot "destroy the life she has built for a possibility."

At any rate instead of maintaining no contact when she flipped out, we both continued to chat. She said she was in misery and that she loved me. The next day I told her I'm done, and she seemed eager to endorse that. This really upset me so I said a variety of hurtful things via text to her and on the phone, crying and all. The next day she contacted me and said she couldn't make it another day without talking to me. By this point I was willing to take any crumb I could get so I said I was sorry for what had happened and let's just be friends (mistake).

I tried to fall back into the comfortable pattern we shared before but that only lasted one day. I did her a favor and looked up some information and e-mailed it and she sent me a thank you. I said you're welcome and left it at that. I haven't heard from her since.

I guess we have both, without saying it, gone into no contact, with me being the last person to text. I guess in her mind we have ended this on "friendly" terms, but reality has set in that we don't even know what to say to each other at this point and so neither one of us is talking. I know she is facebook stalking me so I know she wants to know whats going on in my life. I'm not sure in hindsight that her love was real. It felt momentarily real but when she found out about the divorce she did a 180.

Is there any chance of saving this? I have never felt the kind of connection that I shared with this woman. I am not kidding about loving her. I really do, despite how hard this has all been lately. We could tell each other anything, we were completely open about sexual fantasies, roleplay, dom/sub stuff, etc. For months we would text or talk on the phone all day, as much as possible from dawn to dusk.

Now there is this giant hole in my heart. What I believe is the love of my life is apparently gone, not interested in communicating, and not interested in leaving her current marriage. I would be content at this time to just continue it as an affair, because when I get divorced I'm not looking to jump into a new relationship right away but I certainly would like to keep this girl in my life and see where that takes me. I feel that I am only interested in her.

Can this be saved? Should I continue no contact even though I already "alleviated her guilt" by saying lets just move on and be friends and that I understood where she was coming from? I can't even really function normally as a human anymore the pain of her loss is so great. I miss her so much. I want to talk to her desperately, but I guess she felt smothered and choked by the love situation. I think it flipped her out that she may have even considered leaving her husband.

I don't know what to do. I am so upset over it. How should I proceed?
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Old 3rd March 2015, 11:59 AM   #2
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So you want to save a relationship you have been having with your best friends wife?....while you are still married?
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:02 PM   #3
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there is nothing to be saved, unfortunately.

i don't think her feelings for you are as strong as yours for her - her situation is easier than yours (no kids) but she still wasn't ready to leave her old life behind. meaning - she chose safety & comfortable life over you and that's it.

you can't fight for someone who just doesn't want the same things you do & doesn't feel the same. maybe you should contact her one last time and try to talk - just to get some closure?

it is what is, honey. i'm sorry.
maybe in future you'll reconnect, maybe things will be different.
until then you focus on YOU and your kids and do what's best for you.

make sure the divorce goes well & focus on your future. if she happens to be in it - good. if not, oh well. life goes on.

Last edited by minimariah; 3rd March 2015 at 12:05 PM..
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:07 PM   #4
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Wow. In your post, you mention your kids and "friend" once and your wife twice - and one of those mentions is you dumping her. Ain't love grand.

Does the measure of your happiness come with any considerations of its cost to those around you?

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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:15 PM   #5
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If you do love this woman, in the actual meaning of the word love (aka more than lust):

You have already decided to end your marriage. That is your choice. SHE has made it clear that she does not want to destroy for a "possibility" (though that seems kind of ironic, but anyway). Happy or not, content or not, for whatever reason, SHE wants to keep her marriage, her kids' family, intact. SHE is not going to disrupt that; in fact, the thought terrifies her (which is why she flips out).

IF you love her - really love her - then let her go. Prove it by doing what she needs and is best for her instead of pushing. Cut contact. You have made your marriage choice. If she wants to stop this A and try to work on hers, then you need to stop pursuing her, and certainly stop calling her names and such.

It hurts. But you set yourself up for that hurt when you CHOSE to break your marriage vows.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:17 PM   #6
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Mr. Lucky, I have stayed in a loveless marriage for 8 years because of my kids. I care deeply about them, but not enough to remain in a marriage that feels like the most stressful, awkward, work, day after day. I recognize now that the best thing for my kids is to have two happy parents. That doesn't mean two married parents.

Regarding the "friend".. I haven't seen the guy in 10 years and we were never the best of friends to begin with. It was a chance meeting and I have no hard feelings about it. He might as well be a stranger when we all met again. Perhaps that sounds, cold, but its completely factual.

The primary concern here in this post is the R with the AP. How can I restablish or reset the relationship. The love and the divorce scared her. Perhaps after time passes I could approach at as "we tried everything else, how about we just go back to careless NSA fun." Of course I guess it will never truly be like that again.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:21 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by itiswhatitisright View Post
Mr. Lucky, I have stayed in a loveless marriage for 8 years because of my kids. I care deeply about them, but not enough to remain in a marriage that feels like the most stressful, awkward, work, day after day. I recognize now that the best thing for my kids is to have two happy parents. That doesn't mean two married parents.

Regarding the "friend".. I haven't seen the guy in 10 years and we were never the best of friends to begin with. It was a chance meeting and I have no hard feelings about it. He might as well be a stranger when we all met again. Perhaps that sounds, cold, but its completely factual.

The primary concern here in this post is the R with the AP. How can I restablish or reset the relationship. The love and the divorce scared her. Perhaps after time passes I could approach at as "we tried everything else, how about we just go back to careless NSA fun." Of course I guess it will never truly be like that again.

So you are actually posting on an infidelity forum full of people who have been terribly betrayed asking advice on how to rekindle your affair?????
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:24 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by itiswhatitisright View Post
Regarding the "friend".. I haven't seen the guy in 10 years and we were never the best of friends to begin with. It was a chance meeting and I have no hard feelings about it. He might as well be a stranger when we all met again. Perhaps that sounds, cold, but its completely factual.
Well then, might as well steal his car also. I get it, no hesitation about screwing him over.

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Originally Posted by itiswhatitisright View Post
Perhaps after time passes I could approach at as "we tried everything else, how about we just go back to careless NSA fun."
I thought you cared about her? She should trash her life for some "careless NSA fun" with you?

SMH...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:25 PM   #9
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I hope your friend has some serious marshal arts training.
Timmos and No Limit like this.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:25 PM   #10
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So you are actually posting on an infidelity forum full of people who have been terribly betrayed asking advice on how to rekindle your affair?????
Perhaps I posted this in the incorrect forum. Perhaps a moderator can move this thread to the correct forum.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:31 PM   #11
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This thread is better suited for the OM/OW section ..They would be able to give you the advice you require they have written a bible there right from delusional thinking to making every situation feel right in their head for there own benefit to leaving your uncaring /unloving /emotionally abusive wife to how to make people fall in love with you ...I am sure they have something about how to get AP back in the game.

Your wife is better of with out you.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:31 PM   #12
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She doesn't have any kids and still won't leave her husband? Yeah, she's not so in love with you, bud. Words don't matter; watch her actions.

You've just tossed your marriage for nothing.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:33 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by itiswhatitisright View Post
Perhaps after time passes I could approach at as "we tried everything else, how about we just go back to careless NSA fun."
would you be okay with that?
because the chances of her leaving her M for you are very slim.

i don't think you want to accept the fact that she doesn't love you enough to end her M. if she was just scared, she would've bounced back already. she just isn't that into you, it seems.

you left your M with kids to be with her & she won't leave her childless M to be with you. what does that tell you? you had much more to lose & you risked it all for her but she won't risk ANYTHING for you.

that speaks volumes about how much she truly cares.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:36 PM   #14
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Just when I thought everything was going alright, I sent her some flowers and bought her a gift (which I still haven't given to her). Also, I ended up confronting my wife about my unhappiness and told her I wanted a divorce. When my affair partner found out about this she pretty much completely flipped out and dropped me. I think she felt that I would want her to leave her marriage (and I do) to be with me but she simply cannot "destroy the life she has built for a possibility."
This here is the key to everything.

She made a fantasy, and you thought it was real. How do I know? Because I have done that before, building dreams for chicks and if they would take it too seriously I would drop them like a stone.

She NEVER wanted to leave her husband, and what she has done with your most likely had done it before with other guys.

You cannot save anything because there is nothing to be saved. You were just a filament on her imagination. You didn't get into quiet mode or any mode. Simply put, she dumped you. And by the way, it's your fault.

You could have kept the affair indefinitely as long as she knew you were not dangerous. Now she is probably freaking out at the possibility of you trying to "rescue" her...to find out that she is perfectly happy with her husband.

I am perfectly happy with my wife, and yet I cheat on her to get the extra something to keep my life exciting. That is what she has done with you.

But there is something good coming out of all this. You can now divorce your wife, but trust me on this one: If you ended up with her, she would also cheat on you. It is in our nature.
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Old 3rd March 2015, 12:39 PM   #15
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itiswhatitisright:

Setting aside the moral standpoints from which I would make several observations, most of which have already been pointed out by posters, I'll focus on making the logical and rational ones that you haven't realized:

1. You have a paradoxical relationship with this OW. The more you commit to her, the more she will push you away, regardless of the nature of the feeling you both may have for each other. You will NEVER be more than a fling to her.

2. Aside from the complete lack of integrity here on both accounts, you also have to realize this OW doesn't see you as Husband material, despite her previous claims. She might have married you in years past, but the fact of the matter is, if she got divorced, she would find someone with more integrity than you, to marry. She wouldn't take a risk with you. However she'd still look for you as a FBuddy afterwards. If you're ok with that, then that's your choice.

3. It's easy to confuse love with obsession. Love bring out the best in both of you, not the worst. Obsession just leads you to destroy yourself. Think really hard which one it is you truly feel.
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