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BS in Limbo


ladydesigner

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ladydesigner

I was just curious as to how many other BS's there are that are also in limbo, not in R but not yet on the road to D. It is hard for me especially with WH wanting to put work in the M AGAIN! I experienced False R so I can't trust him anymore for obvious reasons.

 

I try to find happiness in my friends and my children. Hobbies too, but my M is just well...broken.

 

I am not in IC at the moment and off of my meds, but am planning on going back on my meds and back into IC within the next week or so. I am hoping this will help me make a decision in a positive direction.

 

Anyone else here in limbo? How do you get through it?

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Hi lady,

I'm sorry you are in limbo, it sucks :(

 

Idk what state I'm in, I still feel in limbo. Day to day I am pretty happy and we get along well normally. There are a lot more issues in our marriage than just infidelity tho. We had a big dust up about six months ago and it feels like it just killed part of my love for him. I imagine that you feel the same way after the false R. I wish I could tell you how to get it back :(. I have tried to express this to my H, but he just doesn't hear me.

 

Sorry I have no real advice, I just wanted to send you hugs and let you know you aren't alone. I'm glad you are getting back into IC, it helps! Be gentle with yourself.

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purplesorrow

I thought I was in limbo. It was really just me not pulling the plug on my family. I knew on dday I didn't want to be married anymore. I listened to the advice about not deciding to soon. I said I would try to reconcile but my heart wasn't in it. In all honesty I had nothing to give it. My feelings never really changed from dday. Reconciling felt like too much of a sacrifice. And I just wanted a break from all of it and some peace. It is a difficult decision. Good luck.

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I was just curious as to how many other BS's there are that are also in limbo, not in R but not yet on the road to D. It is hard for me especially with WH wanting to put work in the M AGAIN! I experienced False R so I can't trust him anymore for obvious reasons.

 

I try to find happiness in my friends and my children. Hobbies too, but my M is just well...broken.

 

I am not in IC at the moment and off of my meds, but am planning on going back on my meds and back into IC within the next week or so. I am hoping this will help me make a decision in a positive direction.

 

Anyone else here in limbo? How do you get through it?

 

 

 

LD

 

Limbo is temporary hell, but it's not meant to be forever.

 

LD, you're a lovely woman I hope that you appreciate how lovely you are.

 

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

 

Letting go is courageous, the act of letting go of a toxic person is reclaiming yourself.

 

I hope you don't mind, but my advice to you it's to get your ducks in order and get the bat lawyer you can afford.

 

I see you a year from now, living and smiling.

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I, too, feel like I'm stuck in a sort of limbo.

 

 

My WW just got a promotion so is now putting all of her time into her job and none into anything else. Before, we were at least consistently going to MC, but now she is either having a hard time/simply won't set aside time for those meetings.

 

 

@purplesorrow: I am starting to think that I might be where your head was. I've just seen such little effort on my WWs part that it is driving me nuts. I sent her the pdf book of How to Help Your Spouse Heal and she's only read a few pages so far.

 

 

All I'm really asking for is one hour of her time per week to go to counseling. I don't think that is too much.

 

 

As for how I get through it: I put my energy into being a good father to our kids. I am the primary caretaker for them, though I do work also. Aside from that I try to spend a lot of time reading about infidelity and other psychological issues. I barely see my WW now anyway so I try to get by on the day to day.

 

 

Good luck to you, ladydesigner!

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I was in limbo for two decades. I did it because I did a pretty good job of compartmentalizing what she did and hiding from it. And trying to continually convince myself that time would heal the wound so I just had to keep going. She gas-lighted me and I was all too happy to hide in that light. It was easier then facing the harsh reality of what she did. I wish I had found someone with experience with infidelity to talk to and get some guidance from. I had no idea what a path to recovery looked like and stumbled around for years and years in silent confusion.

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Hope you do someday find peace.

 

I have not found it.

 

Some things help, like the exercise. Sometimes it does seem like she is trying and sometimes that helps.

 

Good luck to you. If you do get out of limbo, let us know.

 

It would have helped to have all the truth, a timeline of the A and true remorse.

 

Is he at least being open, honest and transparent?

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I try to find happiness in my friends and my children. Hobbies too, but my M is just well...broken.

 

What stops you from being the agent of change and moving ahead with your life, including separation and divorce :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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ladydesigner
Hope you do someday find peace.

 

I have not found it.

 

Some things help, like the exercise. Sometimes it does seem like she is trying and sometimes that helps.

 

Good luck to you. If you do get out of limbo, let us know.

 

It would have helped to have all the truth, a timeline of the A and true remorse.

 

Is he at least being open, honest and transparent?

 

Well he is now! But then again I thought he was also being open, honest, and transparent until I discovered I was in False R. Ugh

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ladydesigner
What stops you from being the agent of change and moving ahead with your life, including separation and divorce :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Fear, only fear is stopping me, but I am working on this.

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Sorry to hear you are still in limbo. I know that it is difficult to fully commit after such a betrayal. Trust is gone, your life as you knew it is gone. It is hard to determine what you should do. Any decision you make will impact the rest of your life. There are no guarantees that reconciliation will work. With divorce you have committed to a new life and hoping you can find happiness. So many decisions, caused by a decision that you had no say. I wish you the best of luck. I personally know how hard it is to get out of affair limbo. It can work, it can be better than ever, but early on you never know.

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LD

 

Limbo is temporary hell, but it's not meant to be forever.

 

LD, you're a lovely woman I hope that you appreciate how lovely you are.

 

There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

 

Letting go is courageous, the act of letting go of a toxic person is reclaiming yourself.

 

I hope you don't mind, but my advice to you it's to get your ducks in order and get the bat lawyer you can afford.

 

I see you a year from now, living and smiling.

 

I'm with Furious (although I'm still trying to figure out what a bat attorney is - is he like Batman?). Sounds awesome. I hope he whacks your H with his bat briefcase.

 

LD, I honestly have no clue how you get thru another Dday after a completely false R like that and ever actually trust him again. Like, EVER. When harry asked if your H was being open, honest, and transparent, I actually laughed out loud. Sorry, I know it's not funny.

 

I was in limbo for quite a while. Like yours, my situation just kept getting worse. I kept staying. Eventually a friend confronted me and asked what I would possibly want to stay with that woman for. It was very direct. And for the first time, my answer was no longer about anything to do with any love for my wife and was only about trying to keep my nuclear family together for the kids. And intellectually, I knew that staying only for the kids was an unacceptable approach. It was like a lightbulb turned on. I made the decision right there that I was done. And it was the single most liberating moment of my life. This huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was no longer reconciling with this freaking crazy person. That part was OVER.

 

I know you're afraid. And I wasn't sure how it would all play out for me either. But the torture of trying to reconcile with a person like that was over and my second life began. It wasn't easy but it was liberating. I was proud of having made a decision to respect myself. And I had a whole new set of tasks to complete toward putting my life together, none of which had to do with trying to figure out any of her crap anymore. I wasn't sitting around hoping for her to do jack anymore. She could do what she wanted and I was outta there.

 

I can only hope the same for you. I want to see you free yourself from this jail. Will things still be difficult? Sure. But the problems will be different from the same arduous emotional ones you've been dealing with for years now.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope you find some peace.

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ladydesigner,

I have been where you are and it isn't a good place to be, so you have my sympathies.

 

When I found out my H had cheated he got the divorce papers a week later, and I asked him to leave. He left a fortnight after that. He was totally unremorseful.

 

A month later he came to collect his mail and told me he had finished with his AP. I asked him if he wanted to discuss things and he said he wanted more time as "he didn't know what he wanted". I said I would wait to hear from him. I only half believed him and didn't stop the divorce.

 

I was torn because in my heart I still loved him, but logically I knew I couldn't trust him again. I spent the worst month of my life wondering what to do.

 

After another month I couldn't stnd it any longer, and decided to spy on him and followed him to a pub where he met her. I waited a while and let them order a meal before I came into the pub and demanded to know what was going on. I asked him why he had finished with her if he wasn't genuinely wanting us to talk. He said that he hadn't finished with her, he'd just told her that he "couldn't see her for a while".

 

I vowed that I would never, ever put my life on hold for anyone ever again and pushed my solicitor to speed up the divorce.

 

I also took steps to make a new life for myself which was very difficult, but got better as time went on.

 

If I can do it, then so can you.

 

Good luck. x

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I'm with Furious (although I'm still trying to figure out what a bat attorney is - is he like Batman?). Sounds awesome. I hope he whacks your H with his bat briefcase.

 

LD, I honestly have no clue how you get thru another Dday after a completely false R like that and ever actually trust him again. Like, EVER. When harry asked if your H was being open, honest, and transparent, I actually laughed out loud. Sorry, I know it's not funny.

 

I was in limbo for quite a while. Like yours, my situation just kept getting worse. I kept staying. Eventually a friend confronted me and asked what I would possibly want to stay with that woman for. It was very direct. And for the first time, my answer was no longer about anything to do with any love for my wife and was only about trying to keep my nuclear family together for the kids. And intellectually, I knew that staying only for the kids was an unacceptable approach. It was like a lightbulb turned on. I made the decision right there that I was done. And it was the single most liberating moment of my life. This huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was no longer reconciling with this freaking crazy person. That part was OVER.

 

I know you're afraid. And I wasn't sure how it would all play out for me either. But the torture of trying to reconcile with a person like that was over and my second life began. It wasn't easy but it was liberating. I was proud of having made a decision to respect myself. And I had a whole new set of tasks to complete toward putting my life together, none of which had to do with trying to figure out any of her crap anymore. I wasn't sitting around hoping for her to do jack anymore. She could do what she wanted and I was outta there.

 

I can only hope the same for you. I want to see you free yourself from this jail. Will things still be difficult? Sure. But the problems will be different from the same arduous emotional ones you've been dealing with for years now.

 

Whatever you decide, I hope you find some peace.

 

 

 

Well said BH!!!

 

By the way...bat lawyers rock!

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Mrs. John Adams

You know...I thought about this thread all night because it bothered me....let me clarify none of YOU bothered me...the topic did.

 

What exactly is limbo? So I looked it up...and it literally means on the border of heaven and hell...but not in either. It refers to the afterlife as believed by the Catholic church.

 

I guess what bothers me the most is that my own husband says he suffered in limbo for many years...and of course...I am the one responsible for that.

 

I think back over the past 31 years since my affair....and i think what years...what parts of those years...what moments did he suffer living on the border of heaven and hell but not really living in either.

 

Certainly the first 4 years...had to be hell. My affair...then two years later his affair....that was not limbo..it was torture for him.

 

So maybe the next 3 years was limbo...he wasn't happy...he wasn't sad...he merely existed....maybe that's what he is talking about...he existed he went through the motions of life not really feeling anything...but wait....

 

it sure appeared to me like he was happy...we took family vacations...we enjoyed our home and our family and our beautiful children. I watch the home movies of us decorating the Christmas tree together...and there was laughter and joy and...well Happiness.

 

Is that limbo? on the border of heaven and hell...but not really in either? I know he triggered and would become depressed...and that was my fault...but isn't life really highs and lows...don't we have good moments and bad moments for the duration of our life here on earth and don't we sometimes have to get up in the morning and make a choice to be happy today...and look at the things we are blessed with and be thankful for those?

 

Has he been in limbo...a place between heaven and hell....the past 30 years?

and what makes it limbo?

 

Do we live in Limbo...because we are not choosing whether or not we want to live in heaven or hell? Can we actively change that state of mind? or do we rely on someone else to change it for us?

 

I am no closer to answer today than i was last night...but i do know...i will not live in a place between heaven and hell...i will make a choice...even if i make that choice a day at a time...I get to choose whether today is a good day or a bad day. Even though bad things may happen to me today...

I still have the choice whether to live in heaven or hell...or limbo.

 

Just thinking out loud...and this is not directed at anyone in particular

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I was in limbo for awhile as most of you know. I know each affair is different as well as one's emotional capacity to truly accept or forgive the affair. Just by deciding where I want my life has released a lot of weight. The hardest part at least for a guy is walking away from your family. As a husband and father living in the USA I know the cards are stacked up against me well even know this was not my fault. Now I must pay because my wife's whorish decision to sleep with another man behind my back.

 

My instance is kind of weird now too with the whole Church thing going on. I am most likely going to be losing friendships among other things with my decision but I don't care. I had one pastor tell me to now make "emotional" based decisions. I'm not even sure what the hell that's even supposed to mean. I just want my own happiness for my sanity. I think what I WAS trying to do was tuck what she did inside of me into a little corner trying to minimize what she really did so I'd be able to somehow forge on. I don't think this is healthy by any means.

 

I've been enjoying my time with my kids, lifting weights, getting out a little more & working on my business. The ironic thing is my wife is so persistent about it all. She doesn't want to accept the fate of our marriage that she placed it in. I feel like I have an indentured servant still lol. LD, I think once you make your final decision on where you know you want to end up it will be weight lifting. Even if you decide to leave don't tell him until you're ready. Work on you and when you're ready to leave financially or wherever you have to be just let him know even if it is a week before. Good luck to you and I hope you find your own peace soon.

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I think a WS can be the cause of PUTTING someone IN limbo, whatever that means, but I cannot see how they are responsible for them SUFFERING in LIMBO for years.

 

In fact, by declaring a 3 month no-decision moratorium on action after DDAY, I am just as responsible for the limbo I live. During those months and months of "stay-go stay-go" that I went through DAY AFTER DAY, I am responsible for that too: my decision to live with STAY GO.

 

At some point, if one wants to say, Im going to reconcile, I'm going to try, then really it is no longer about the WS. The WS must behave in a way that is consistent with NOT BEING A WS and that is that. Limbo still can occur even while this is the case. So limbo is my issue, not my WS's, in that sense.

 

 

I guess what bothers me the most is that my own husband says he suffered in limbo for many years...and of course...I am the one responsible for that.

 

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Although technically correct, I'm not sure the Catholic definition really fits the bill. I supoose then that limbo really isn't the appropriate term.

 

For me, being in limbo meant that I honestly had no clue WTF to do. I didn't know if I could trust her. I didn't know if she was lying. I didn't know what to believe. I didn't trust my own judgment. Didn't know if I should stay or if I should go. Do I put my foot down or be patient? Didn't know if I should ask her to leave or send her a flirty text message. Didn't know if I should put both feet into reconciling, or neither, or if I should wait and see. I had no idea what actions to take. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to prioritize my life. Should I keep investing? Or is that throwing good money after bad? Is she being honest now or am I being stupid?

 

In the meantime, I suffered hypervigilance. I was obsessed with trying to "figure it out." I was a smart guy and I wanted answers. I wanted a solution. I wanted to know what to do. I studied, researched, watched everything like a hawk. I lost 38 pounds and had to remind myself to eat. I thought about it from the instant I woke up until the moment I fell asleep (and usually during my dreams). And I still didn't have a damn clue.

 

You get stuck if this gawd-awful analysis paralysis. And life continues to happen anyway. You flounder with every decision, having no clue if it is the right decision or exactly the wrong decision. You put on some weirdly confident face and pretend you've got it together. And in trying not to make a hasty decusion that would have life-long impacts, you end up staying by default. You haven't decided to leave and so you've kinda sorta ended up deciding to stay.

 

And if you're like ladydesigner, after two years of this torturous nonsense that you've suffered for the sake of your family, you find out that your spouse has still been in the affair the whole time. WHAT COMPLETE ****lNG BULLSHlT!! And now she's stuck doing this analysis all over again?! Because NOW he's being open, honest, and transparent? You must be freaking kidding me.

 

I'm not confronting you at all Mrs Adams (I respect your presence here and your musings on the subject - it's obvious that you care) but this is far from LD just choosing to be happy or unhappy or choosing not to be in limbo. It's a freakin catastrophic disaster that is completely of her husband's making and I just can't believe that she is left in this position. She struggled mightily to give him a gift and he crapped all over it. And now she has NO good choices. The guy has unilaterally destroyed them all. My wife did the same thing - I did what I could to minimize the damage and to salvage something for us and in the meantime, she was lighting fuses. Astonishing. There really outta be a special place in hell for the people that engage in a false reconciliation.

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Although technically correct, I'm not sure the Catholic definition really fits the bill. I supoose then that limbo really isn't the appropriate term.

 

For me, being in limbo meant that I honestly had no clue WTF to do. I didn't know if I could trust her. I didn't know if she was lying. I didn't know what to believe. I didn't trust my own judgment. Didn't know if I should stay or if I should go. Do I put my foot down or be patient? Didn't know if I should ask her to leave or send her a flirty text message. Didn't know if I should put both feet into reconciling, or neither, or if I should wait and see. I had no idea what actions to take. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to prioritize my life. Should I keep investing? Or is that throwing good money after bad? Is she being honest now or am I being stupid?

 

In the meantime, I suffered hypervigilance. I was obsessed with trying to "figure it out." I was a smart guy and I wanted answers. I wanted a solution. I wanted to know what to do. I studied, researched, watched everything like a hawk. I lost 38 pounds and had to remind myself to eat. I thought about it from the instant I woke up until the moment I fell asleep (and usually during my dreams). And I still didn't have a damn clue.

 

You get stuck if this gawd-awful analysis paralysis. And life continues to happen anyway. You flounder with every decision, having no clue if it is the right decision or exactly the wrong decision. You put on some weirdly confident face and pretend you've got it together. And in trying not to make a hasty decusion that would have life-long impacts, you end up staying by default. You haven't decided to leave and so you've kinda sorta ended up deciding to stay.

 

And if you're like ladydesigner, after two years of this torturous nonsense that you've suffered for the sake of your family, you find out that your spouse has still been in the affair the whole time. WHAT COMPLETE ****lNG BULLSHlT!! And now she's stuck doing this analysis all over again?! Because NOW he's being open, honest, and transparent? You must be freaking kidding me.

 

I'm not confronting you at all Mrs Adams (I respect your presence here and your musings on the subject - it's obvious that you care) but this is far from LD just choosing to be happy or unhappy or choosing not to be in limbo. It's a freakin catastrophic disaster that is completely of her husband's making and I just can't believe that she is left in this position. She struggled mightily to give him a gift and he crapped all over it. And now she has NO good choices. The guy has unilaterally destroyed them all. My wife did the same thing - I did what I could to minimize the damage and to salvage something for us and in the meantime, she was lighting fuses. Astonishing. There really outta be a special place in hell for the people that engage in a false reconciliation.

 

Oh man - so true.

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In fact, by declaring a 3 month no-decision moratorium on action after DDAY, I am just as responsible for the limbo I live. During those months and months of "stay-go stay-go" that I went through DAY AFTER DAY, I am responsible for that too: my decision to live with STAY GO.

 

I agree, indeed.

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In the meantime, I suffered hypervigilance. I was obsessed with trying to "figure it out." I was a smart guy and I wanted answers. I wanted a solution. I wanted to know what to do. I studied, researched, watched everything like a hawk. I lost 38 pounds and had to remind myself to eat. I thought about it from the instant I woke up until the moment I fell asleep (and usually during my dreams). And I still didn't have a damn clue.

 

This to me i guess differs from your definition of limbo. You were doing something; moreover, not having an answer but so long as you peruse a course of action is not limbo, in my opinion.

 

Quite a few i have read here though do qualify for my definition of the word, of being in limbo which is to say they "find comfort vs the alternatives with the status quo." that compounded with fear makes them more comfortable to simply accept and become more comfortable with the status quo. Do not define comfort in this case as "my old pair of shoes" but as the path of least resistance.

 

You did not have answers but you always had a course of action and made decisions such as to try and reconcile at first as i recall, perhaps not the best decision given how it all went down but nonetheless a course of action.

 

There really outta be a special place in hell for the people that engage in a false reconciliation.

 

Amen

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As others have mentioned limbo is not the right term for the last 10 years for me. What we have is some measure of reconciliation, enough to continue on, functional, but not enough to happily have put it all behind us.

 

I made a choice to stay and work on things -its a choice I do not regret. At times I feel it was the least worst choice, and one I continue to make, but I always think it was the right choice. This is not limbo to me - but just life.

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Yes. My definition of limbo (as a BS) is more like, I KNOW what is on the table in terms of choices. I am unable to make a choice. I remain always between the two choices and neither of them. It's about knowing, but then still not being able to make a choice. Not - not making a choice because I do not know.

 

Maybe it is the refusal to choose and the desire to remain in limbo.

 

WS's who live in limbo are doing the same thing: Refuse to choose between two relationships living with delusions that it's impossible to make a choice. Making a choice is actually, rather easy. Being "confused" or pretending to be confused allows us to remain in limbo for the specific reason: We do not wish to choose.

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I guess when I read this I was thinking specifically about affair limbo and trying to relate to LD's situation. To me, affair limbo is the confusion, pain and lack of trust that you feel after an affair. I think every BS goes through this stage. How long does it last? I think it varies from person to person. I think most in this stage takes action either to divorce, reconcile or possibly just live with it due to other life circumstances.

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I guess when I read this I was thinking specifically about affair limbo and trying to relate to LD's situation. To me, affair limbo is the confusion, pain and lack of trust that you feel after an affair. I think every BS goes through this stage. How long does it last? I think it varies from person to person. I think most in this stage takes action either to divorce, reconcile or possibly just live with it due to other life circumstances.

 

I am willing to bet many Bs's just live with it due to other life circumstances. True reconciliation I believe is few and far between. After my wife's affair I want to experience the world for me. She completely changed the dynamics of my life, her life and our kids. I think initially after the shock wears off the BS has to make a decision that not many people want to make. From the outside it may seem easy for somebody who has never experienced infidelity. One day you think you can make it the next day you're a disaster. One day you're happy the next day you're in shambles after something just reminded you of what your spouse did to you. Then after you cycle it enough it just starts to get repulsive. Then you wonder how a person you thought loved you was able to screw and love another man (or woman) for so long. Then the light bulb eventually turns on and you realize who that person really is under their deceptive outer shell the carry well. I'm not lumping all WS's on here because I think there are true people who carry real remorse who post here.

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