Jump to content

Having an affair, know I need to end it


GuitarPlayerMP

Recommended Posts

GuitarPlayerMP

Hi everyone,

 

I would like to hear from WHs that have had a hard time ending an affair and focusing in their marriage. I am trying to end an affair but am having a hard time, but not too enthusiastic about my marriage either. My wife and I have had little to no emotional intimacy for a while now. I have been trying to talk to her about it but she has been unresponsive. She is completely unaware that I’m having an affair.

 

I have been having an EA/PA with the OW, a co-worker, for about six months now. I know it is wrong and I am trying to end it with her, but am having a very hard time making the break. I have never let anyone see the real me, even my wife, but I have established a connection with OW that allows me to express myself to her without fear of judgment or backlash. The only problem is that the more she gets to know me, the more she really sees me and she has no qualms about pointing things out to me that I would rather not see. She does so with love which makes it more impossible to deny.

 

I need to work out in my head what I want from this and what I need to do. I am so confused. I know what I want with OW, but also know that will never happen. I am not leaving my wife and son, no matter what I feel I am sacrificing by staying. I don’t have much self-respect left, and that would erode the last of it. Of course, that doesn’t explain how I am so willing to maintain what I am doing with OW anyway, but I just can’t help myself. Knowing how empty I felt before and having to return to that for the rest of my life is unbearable. So my choices appear to be to maintain a little self-respect and be miserable or destroy what self-respect I have left, destroy my wife’s and son’s life, and probably OW’s and mine when I eventually am consumed with self-loathing and sabotage everything because I don’t deserve it and feel “fake”. The only real positive way for this to end is for OW to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy. Can I be? Or would I find a way to ruin that as well? No wonder leaving is not an option…I am so sure that I will screw everything up it would be ridiculous to leave.

 

This doesn’t even address my feeling for OW and my BW, just my indecision and feelings about myself, which is what it really comes down to. In “the Perks of Being a Wallflower,” there is a line which jumped out at me. When Charlie asks his teacher why good people choose people that treat them like they are nothing, the teacher responds, “we accept the love we feel we deserve”. If that doesn’t sum it up perfectly, well then…

 

That is why as much as I know and see OW’s love for me, I can’t truly accept it. I think it is based on her false beliefs of me or some dishonest representation on my part. I can’t accept the fact that she just loves me. But I do feel it, and I need it more than anything else in this life. The thought of it being taken away is devastating, but I still won’t do the things I need to do to keep her. Eventually she will realize this and move on.

 

Appreciate any thoughts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi everyone,

 

I would like to hear from WHs that have had a hard time ending an affair and focusing in their marriage. I am trying to end an affair but am having a hard time, but not too enthusiastic about my marriage either. My wife and I have had little to no emotional intimacy for a while now. I have been trying to talk to her about it but she has been unresponsive. She is completely unaware that I’m having an affair.

 

I have been having an EA/PA with the OW, a co-worker, for about six months now. I know it is wrong and I am trying to end it with her, but am having a very hard time making the break. I have never let anyone see the real me, even my wife, but I have established a connection with OW that allows me to express myself to her without fear of judgment or backlash. The only problem is that the more she gets to know me, the more she really sees me and she has no qualms about pointing things out to me that I would rather not see. She does so with love which makes it more impossible to deny.

 

I need to work out in my head what I want from this and what I need to do. I am so confused. I know what I want with OW, but also know that will never happen. I am not leaving my wife and son, no matter what I feel I am sacrificing by staying. I don’t have much self-respect left, and that would erode the last of it. Of course, that doesn’t explain how I am so willing to maintain what I am doing with OW anyway, but I just can’t help myself. Knowing how empty I felt before and having to return to that for the rest of my life is unbearable. So my choices appear to be to maintain a little self-respect and be miserable or destroy what self-respect I have left, destroy my wife’s and son’s life, and probably OW’s and mine when I eventually am consumed with self-loathing and sabotage everything because I don’t deserve it and feel “fake”. The only real positive way for this to end is for OW to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy. Can I be? Or would I find a way to ruin that as well? No wonder leaving is not an option…I am so sure that I will screw everything up it would be ridiculous to leave.

 

This doesn’t even address my feeling for OW and my BW, just my indecision and feelings about myself, which is what it really comes down to. In “the Perks of Being a Wallflower,” there is a line which jumped out at me. When Charlie asks his teacher why good people choose people that treat them like they are nothing, the teacher responds, “we accept the love we feel we deserve”. If that doesn’t sum it up perfectly, well then…

 

That is why as much as I know and see OW’s love for me, I can’t truly accept it. I think it is based on her false beliefs of me or some dishonest representation on my part. I can’t accept the fact that she just loves me. But I do feel it, and I need it more than anything else in this life. The thought of it being taken away is devastating, but I still won’t do the things I need to do to keep her. Eventually she will realize this and move on.

 

Appreciate any thoughts.

 

You summed it up perfectly for yourself. Your insight is very thought provoking.

 

Rarely does affairs last much longer than D-day. However, perhaps you need a D-day to move on because as you stand you are stalemated. Some A can last years... how long are you willing to sit in limbo?

 

Counciling is a very good place to sort out these delemas you are facing.

 

Background please, how long have you known/been married to your wife?

 

Did these emotional intimacy issue start before or after your child was born?

 

Have you insist on Marriage counciling?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a BW and I'm almost certain my WH felt the same way as you. Strangely enough it was d-day that caused us both to put things into perspective and context.

 

 

D-day was devastating for me and I suppose my WH felt that he was exposed for who he truly was. My guess is that if you end it with the OW without a d-day you will remain feeling very much as you do now and basically be ripe for a virtually never-ending series of affairs with different OW or to resuming with the same OW. That's certainly what happened to my WH over a period of several years.

 

 

It's like you as the WH, maintain a picture of yourself as forever torn, forever sacrificing, forever a victim of love at the wrong time. At the same time you feel fake because you know in your heart that the other side of this is that you are basically emotionally abusing your wife by manipulating her to stay with you, without knowing the full story, and your OW by stringing her on.

 

 

Meanwhile you know that your OW is perfectly capable of inserting herself into other people's marriages without enough insight and empathy to avoid such a situation.

 

 

Your wife meanwhile continues on regardless perhaps, not behaving perfectly herself, occasionally wondering how everything went so wrong (as she probably senses all is not well), wondering whether it really is all her fault, while you are certainly encouraging her to think that, while you're actively undermining her.

 

 

In our case d-day brought an opportunity for clarity and we did decide to stay together but we both realised that continuing with the same old marriage wasn't going to work. We have pretty well reconciled now and do have a stronger marriage and bond than we had before but it has come at an enormous cost to me in particular.

 

 

I guess my advice is that if you tell your wife you will have a basis for deciding whether you can reconcile or whether there isn't enough to go on with. Telling your BW you want you both to work on the marriage without revealing your affair is continued abuse of her in my opinion because it lays much more responsibility at her door when really it should be you being accountable. Depends I suppose whether marital abuse is a way of life for you or just an aberration.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
bathtub-row

You're miserable in your marriage and yet you stay. I say, either fix your marriage or walk away from it. The fact that your wife is unresponsive to your attempts to make it better says a lot about her. She feels entitled and isn't at all concerned about your happiness. She's cold and will always be that way. So, how do you figure that you would be the one destroying her life if you left? As though she has no responsibility for her actions. Sorry, I don't have much compassion for people like that.

 

I'd suggest that you stop being a doormat to your uncaring wife and get your ducks in order. If you're really just too gutless to end something that needs to end, then dump the one person that truly loves and cares about you. That makes a lot more sense. Keep the person who doesn't care about you and ditch the one that does. I'm sure that'll keep you warm at night for years and years to come. You'll be miserable but at least you didn't have to do anything like taking a risk, or anything that required courage.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

The energy that you have put into the affair and this OW you should try putting into your W and M. After you do so and model this behavior for your wife, demand that she do the same. Get a counselor to help you if you need to. Not a minute before that should you consider divorce.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
My wife and I have had little to no emotional intimacy for a while now.

 

what does this mean?

 

I have been trying to talk to her about it but she has been unresponsive.

 

how direct and honest with your W were you? did you ever let her know how deep this problem is, how did that conversation go?

 

I have never let anyone see the real me, even my wife, but I have established a connection with OW that allows me to express myself to her without fear of judgment or backlash.

 

so... you've NEVER had that type of connection with your W, ever? not even in the beginning of your relationship?

 

The only real positive way for this to end is for OW to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy.

 

this is the part that i don't understand - i'm pretty sure your OW will be happy with you leaving your M & being with her, no? and it's pretty telling how you think that the only happy ending in your story is the one with you ending up with the OW.

 

you're done with your M, you just have to admit that to yourself & find the strength to leave + deal with the aftermath. i recommend counseling.

Edited by minimariah
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Darren Steez
Hi everyone,

 

I would like to hear from WHs that have had a hard time ending an affair and focusing in their marriage. I am trying to end an affair but am having a hard time, but not too enthusiastic about my marriage either. My wife and I have had little to no emotional intimacy for a while now. I have been trying to talk to her about it but she has been unresponsive. She is completely unaware that I’m having an affair.

 

I have been having an EA/PA with the OW, a co-worker, for about six months now. I know it is wrong and I am trying to end it with her, but am having a very hard time making the break. I have never let anyone see the real me, even my wife, but I have established a connection with OW that allows me to express myself to her without fear of judgment or backlash. The only problem is that the more she gets to know me, the more she really sees me and she has no qualms about pointing things out to me that I would rather not see. She does so with love which makes it more impossible to deny.

 

I need to work out in my head what I want from this and what I need to do. I am so confused. I know what I want with OW, but also know that will never happen. I am not leaving my wife and son, no matter what I feel I am sacrificing by staying. I don’t have much self-respect left, and that would erode the last of it. Of course, that doesn’t explain how I am so willing to maintain what I am doing with OW anyway, but I just can’t help myself. Knowing how empty I felt before and having to return to that for the rest of my life is unbearable. So my choices appear to be to maintain a little self-respect and be miserable or destroy what self-respect I have left, destroy my wife’s and son’s life, and probably OW’s and mine when I eventually am consumed with self-loathing and sabotage everything because I don’t deserve it and feel “fake”. The only real positive way for this to end is for OW to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy. Can I be? Or would I find a way to ruin that as well? No wonder leaving is not an option…I am so sure that I will screw everything up it would be ridiculous to leave.

 

This doesn’t even address my feeling for OW and my BW, just my indecision and feelings about myself, which is what it really comes down to. In “the Perks of Being a Wallflower,” there is a line which jumped out at me. When Charlie asks his teacher why good people choose people that treat them like they are nothing, the teacher responds, “we accept the love we feel we deserve”. If that doesn’t sum it up perfectly, well then…

 

That is why as much as I know and see OW’s love for me, I can’t truly accept it. I think it is based on her false beliefs of me or some dishonest representation on my part. I can’t accept the fact that she just loves me. But I do feel it, and I need it more than anything else in this life. The thought of it being taken away is devastating, but I still won’t do the things I need to do to keep her. Eventually she will realize this and move on.

 

Appreciate any thoughts.

 

What is the real you? The lying guy that cheats on his wife?

 

Just wanted to get the romanticized nonsense out the way. You're selling yourself as some kind of misunderstood romeo with this woman, and yet by your own admission she sees the true you...the man that lies and cheats on the woman he married.

 

You're not even being honest with yourself, so how can you be honest not only to your wife but your lover.

 

My take is if you got caught, you'd dump this other woman fast and profess to wanted to keep your marriage alive?

 

Be authentic. That's the key to life.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
GuitarPlayerMP

Realized I made a typo. When I wrote "The only real positive way for this to end is for OW to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy" I meant "The only real positive way for this to end is for MY WIFE to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy."

 

Let me give you some background on my wife. We are in our mid-40s. We met when we were 15 and it was pretty much love at first sight for me, but she was only interested in me as a friend. We became best friends right away. I was very shy and nerdy, but she never saw that in me. She just saw me as smart, fun, and very funny. She introduced me all of her "cool" friends and since she thought I was cool, they thought I was cool too. I tried to tell her I had some social anxiety and low self-esteem, but she laughed it off and said that was silly, I was totally normal!

 

We stayed friends for years. I got married at age 30 and it lasted less than a year. A few months after I separated, after a drunk night, she asked why we never got together. We made out and things moved very quickly after that. I moved to her state and we got married a year and a half later. The son I reference is not mine; he is hers from a previous relationship. Anyway our marriage was good in the beginning, but I never felt like she really loved me in a romantic way. I always felt like she settled. I did not fit in with her friends, since they all owned houses and had good jobs, and my job wasn't that great. My wife is pretty successful professionally, and I was too for a while, but then I decided to switch careers a few years into our marriage and went to work in the mental health field, which I did when I was younger and always missed it. Since I did not have the proper education, I had to start pretty much at the very bottom, making oer 50% less than I was before. My wife wasn't crazy about this idea because we were in our late 30s at the time and she wanted to buy a house already and settle down, but she was supportive if it meant I was happier. I met new friends at my job and finally felt like I belonged somewhere. However, most of them were in their 20s and single, a lot were partiers, and my wife just could not relate. Therefore, I spent more and more time with my friends and less time at home. Our sex life was never that great, and our communication decreased more and more after I got my job. I mentioned marriage counseling more than once but she didn't want to spend the money. In the past year she has noticed that I seem unhappy and keeps asking me what's wrong and how can we work on our marriage, but I have not been very response. I don't feel like she is very supportive, but I do love her and our son and don't want to hurt them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Realized I made a typo. When I wrote "The only real positive way for this to end is for OW to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy" I meant "The only real positive way for this to end is for MY WIFE to be happy with me leaving, and I can then be with OW, who I know would devote herself to making me happy."

 

Let me give you some background on my wife. We are in our mid-40s. We met when we were 15 and it was pretty much love at first sight for me, but she was only interested in me as a friend. We became best friends right away. I was very shy and nerdy, but she never saw that in me. She just saw me as smart, fun, and very funny. She introduced me all of her "cool" friends and since she thought I was cool, they thought I was cool too. I tried to tell her I had some social anxiety and low self-esteem, but she laughed it off and said that was silly, I was totally normal!

 

We stayed friends for years. I got married at age 30 and it lasted less than a year. A few months after I separated, after a drunk night, she asked why we never got together. We made out and things moved very quickly after that. I moved to her state and we got married a year and a half later. The son I reference is not mine; he is hers from a previous relationship. Anyway our marriage was good in the beginning, but I never felt like she really loved me in a romantic way. I always felt like she settled. I did not fit in with her friends, since they all owned houses and had good jobs, and my job wasn't that great. My wife is pretty successful professionally, and I was too for a while, but then I decided to switch careers a few years into our marriage and went to work in the mental health field, which I did when I was younger and always missed it. Since I did not have the proper education, I had to start pretty much at the very bottom, making oer 50% less than I was before. My wife wasn't crazy about this idea because we were in our late 30s at the time and she wanted to buy a house already and settle down, but she was supportive if it meant I was happier. I met new friends at my job and finally felt like I belonged somewhere. However, most of them were in their 20s and single, a lot were partiers, and my wife just could not relate. Therefore, I spent more and more time with my friends and less time at home. Our sex life was never that great, and our communication decreased more and more after I got my job. I mentioned marriage counseling more than once but she didn't want to spend the money. In the past year she has noticed that I seem unhappy and keeps asking me what's wrong and how can we work on our marriage, but I have not been very response. I don't feel like she is very supportive, but I do love her and our son and don't want to hurt them.

 

 

None of this changes what I wrote. You asked for people's thoughts. Are you going to consider what people wrote to you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
GuitarPlayerMP

Sorry Bootsie, I was responding to the post who asked for the background on me and my wife.

 

Quote: "I guess my advice is that if you tell your wife you will have a basis for deciding whether you can reconcile or whether there isn't enough to go on with. Telling your BW you want you both to work on the marriage without revealing your affair is continued abuse of her in my opinion because it lays much more responsibility at her door when really it should be you being accountable. Depends I suppose whether marital abuse is a way of life for you or just an aberration. "

 

I have thought about telling my wife, many times. I thought about telling her before it started, when the EA was about to turn into a PA. But I didn't. I felt like I was at a point of no return then. Even when it started, I didn't even feel that guilty. I kind of felt entitled to it and I felt like I was bothering her less at home so I figured she was probably happier since I was getting my affections taken care of elsewhere. I find it hard to believe that this is actually martial abuse, however. I certainly don't intend to hurt my wife.

 

Quote: "My take is if you got caught, you'd dump this other woman fast and profess to wanted to keep your marriage alive? Be authentic. That's the key to life. "

 

I'm not sure what I would do if I got caught. I know I need to learn to be authentic, but I have never been authentic in my life and wouldn't even know where to start.

Link to post
Share on other sites

your wife, who has shown you throughout most of your life, that you are a far better person that you think, that people will like you, that you can make friends, that she wanted to be with you and get married, that you can persue your dream career, was willing to support you even though it meant the household income would be reduced while you worked your way up the ladder but you still say " I don't feel like she is very supportive".

 

You are annoyed because she doesn't want to go and party with a bunch of younger people like you do?

 

You say she doesn't want to mke things better, yet in the same breath, you say she senses something is wrong and is asking you how to make the marraige better?

 

You spend much of your time away from home, likely with your other woman, and you have the gall to say these things about your wife?

 

Sir, you need to get your head out of your rear and get yourself into some therapy on your own. Your wife isn't the one with the problem, you are. I don't think there's anything she could do that you would deem being "supportive enough" because you are not happy with yourself. She has been there for you through thick and thin, stood by you, encourgaing you to be all that you can and get your dream job, yet she "doesn't support you"?

 

Personally, I think you should leave her. You are not making her happy, and she deserves to be with someone who can. She doesn't deserve to have her self esteem battered until it's as low as yours is. Stop being selfish and let her go, let her find someone who will realy love her and make her happy.

 

There are guys out there who would fall over themselves to be with a woman who is as loyal and supportive of them as she is of you. They would love to spend their days with her, whle they both made each other happy. They would never blame her for the shortcomming they feel within themsleves.

 

Let her go to find that with someoneone else, and you can go and party with your other woman.

 

Just make sure that one day, when you are on the outside looking in at your now ex wife and how happy she is in her new life that you spare a thought to how unhappy you made her and leave her alone.

 

I know that was harsh, but your own words show you as a hypocrite.

  • Like 11
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your wife has stuck beside you steadfastly despite your meanderings through life and you say "I don't feel like she is very supportive"

YOU need to take a serious look at what you just wrote.

 

YOU were friendzoned initially because you didn't man up, your wife eventually rescued you, made something of you.

But you couldn't hack that, you probably thought you didn't deserve to be successful, you probably felt a bit of a fraud, so you muck it up, you go do something that you need to start at the bottom. Fantastic, no responsibility, you are young again.

Your wife didn't approve, she at that point turned into your mother in your eyes, you knew you disappointed her too.

She is told you she wants adult stuff, a house, a garden, a real family ie grown up stuff, and you acted like a little boy.

Little boys rebel.

YOU then rebel against your wife by hanging out with 20 somethings and not only 20 somethings but partying 20 somethings. The little boy in you took over and little boys are so selfish too, so you hook up with this OW.

 

YOU are now playing the victim, poor insecure me, no-one can love me.

because I am not good enough.

You will not make this OW happy because she is merely a prop, someone to support you, as you are incapable of standing up on your own.

As soon as she too wants to play grown ups, ie wants to marry, have a house, have children, she will also turn into your mother in your eyes and you will then proceed to seriously hurt her too, by another adolescent rebellion.

YOU deep down know that and that is why you cannot leave your wife.

Little boys may act tough, they may do some horrible things but they still want their mother to love them and tell them what to do, when it all comes down to it.

YOU have work to do on yourself here.

 

Get yourself tested for STDs, if negative then man up, leave your OW and go into IC and MC to try and mend your marriage.

If positive you may have a harder road, you will HAVE to tell your wife about the OW.

 

YOU have a wife who has obviously loved you from, I guess, day one, but you never took the initiative back then.

YOU have now deserted her here, and YOU left the marriage, she didn't force you out; this is all down to you IMO.

I suggest you try and make her feel good about herself again.

YOU are a man with a family to care for and protect, you are not a little boy, some growing up is needed.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

Sounds like you feel you married above yourself and that your married social circle is out of your league-it doesn't sound like your wife feels that way- sounds like she sees the potential in you-

 

You chose to hang out with 20-somethings rather than your peers because it helps your self-esteem-now for whatever reason you blame your wife for all of this-

 

You have one failed marriage behind you and now you are cheating on your wife-

 

From your posts you are nearing 40- its time to grow up and face you- either decide you are forever a 20-something and let your wife go and have a life of her own or grow up and stop living the single life as a married person-

 

Its pretty simple- your wife is paying the price for your short comings-your low self esteem, your inability to live up to your own potential-

 

Do the right thing- she's been good to you-return the favor-

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Let's see, given your posts I am going to assume/deduce the following:

 

1. You married for the 2nd time at age 33-ish.

2. You are in your mid 40's which makes me think you've been married for 10 years.

3. You apparently have had no kids with her. She has one from a previous relationship.

 

I think this thread is full of great advice.

 

Your wife is an amazing person who has lifted your standards. On the other hand, in recent years you have lowered hers.

 

I'll never forget a quote from motivational speaker Tony Robbins: "You are a reflection of the expectations of your peer group."

 

You were on pace to buy a house. Your goals aligned with those of the social circle your wife involved you in. And you purposely went down the ladder and lowered your own expectations by making the bottom feeders of your new career your new peers. That's the people you hang out with now. Those are the one's whose goals reflect yours now.

 

I think this is a very telling post by you:

 

We stayed friends for years. I got married at age 30 and it lasted less than a year. A few months after I separated, after a drunk night, she asked why we never got together. We made out and things moved very quickly after that. I moved to her state and we got married a year and a half later. The son I reference is not mine; he is hers from a previous relationship. Anyway our marriage was good in the beginning, but I never felt like she really loved me in a romantic way. I always felt like she settled.

 

I think with a little soul searching, you will find that it is YOU, the one who feels that settled. She was in love. You weren't. And believe me, when our significant others aren't in-love with us, we feel it. And it reflects in every aspect of our marriage, including sex.

 

And as another poster here correctly stated, you have 1 failed marriage on your track record. You are destroying a 2nd one. What hopes do you think you'll have of making a 3rd relationship work, with a woman with no integrity, who doesn't care to respect your marriage?

 

Best advice I can give you is to come clean, in hopes of fundamentally fixing yourself for once in your life. You can't live a lie and expect to have no repercussions. And I'm not even talking about the affair yet. You have lived a lie for several years, and have only made it worse on everyone by engaging in this affair.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Midwestmissy

I'm the bw. My h justified his affair by saying "I couldn't feel the spark anymore." But here's the rub - he had to deny a connection with me in order to make sense of the connection with the mow. I was unaware of her, but boy did I know he was gone from the marriage. We were in mc while he was cheating. Gee wonder why that didn't get us anywhere - he blamed me. But he had left me emotionally and I felt neglected, rejected and isolated. I did not feel sexy or loved or wanted, so I didn't behave that way. I was a wreck and thought I was to blame. Funny I never felt that way until he brought her into the marriage. He only now sees the connection.

 

Do you want to know when he felt the spark? When he confessed to the affair (evidence was piling up) and I kicked him out. He threw her under the bus and announced that he was committed to the marriage and would do whatever it took to fix what he had broken. I wasn't the problem, his insecurity, his poor coping skills, and his craving for admiration (she gave him that even tho they were both hurting 2 large families) regardless of his behavior were the problems.

 

Screwing 2 women at once is cowardly and boyish and gross and juvenile and ugly. Standing up at all costs for your wife and family is sexy and manly.

We are early in all this, but his affair proved his virility to no one. A married 50yr old woman with a pile of kids and a sordid past, trying to bj her way out of her pathetic life and into mine was not sexy - they were both pathetic.

 

Dude, get yourself some help - you are in control of nothing right now, and when it blows up - and it will - you will be astounded at how you have absolutely no control over the very nasty fallout.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, who are you in love with? You don't speak of your love for either of these women just your own feelings. Who do you love?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
pheonixrisen

This is hard to digest ....This woman by your own admission sees potential in you... does not see you as a person with low self esteem but builds you up and supports your decision to be happy by going after low income job etc..is actually unsupportive woman

 

Then you go distant with her ..and she reaches out to ask what's going on and how she can do better and you say nothing ...and she is the one who is unsupportive

 

I think before you ask her for mc. ..you should do ic and get your self in the right head space .

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
devilish innocent

Here's what I got from your story. You wanted to work on your marriage with your wife before, and she wasn't up for it. Now she's finally coming around, but you're shutting her out. Of course you feel more authentic with your affair partner. She's the one who knows the truth of what's going on, while your wife is getting nothing but evasions and lies. I don't know if there's still a chance to save your marriage. It might be too late. But you owe it to your family and yourself to figure this out.

 

Your affair partner has only been around for a short while in limited settings. Your relationship is still in the honeymoon period, so that is not something you should be counting on for the long term.

 

My advice is to be honest with your wife and see what she wants to do. If you're able to fix your marriage, then it will have good times as well. If you don't, then you can move on and pursue other relationships later. Either way, the future, if you do the right thing, is not as bleak as it seems.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner
your wife, who has shown you throughout most of your life, that you are a far better person that you think, that people will like you, that you can make friends, that she wanted to be with you and get married, that you can persue your dream career, was willing to support you even though it meant the household income would be reduced while you worked your way up the ladder but you still say " I don't feel like she is very supportive".

 

You are annoyed because she doesn't want to go and party with a bunch of younger people like you do?

 

You say she doesn't want to mke things better, yet in the same breath, you say she senses something is wrong and is asking you how to make the marraige better?

 

You spend much of your time away from home, likely with your other woman, and you have the gall to say these things about your wife?

 

Sir, you need to get your head out of your rear and get yourself into some therapy on your own. Your wife isn't the one with the problem, you are. I don't think there's anything she could do that you would deem being "supportive enough" because you are not happy with yourself. She has been there for you through thick and thin, stood by you, encourgaing you to be all that you can and get your dream job, yet she "doesn't support you"?

 

Personally, I think you should leave her. You are not making her happy, and she deserves to be with someone who can. She doesn't deserve to have her self esteem battered until it's as low as yours is. Stop being selfish and let her go, let her find someone who will realy love her and make her happy.

 

There are guys out there who would fall over themselves to be with a woman who is as loyal and supportive of them as she is of you. They would love to spend their days with her, whle they both made each other happy. They would never blame her for the shortcomming they feel within themsleves.

 

Let her go to find that with someoneone else, and you can go and party with your other woman.

 

Just make sure that one day, when you are on the outside looking in at your now ex wife and how happy she is in her new life that you spare a thought to how unhappy you made her and leave her alone.

 

I know that was harsh, but your own words show you as a hypocrite.

 

Summed up in one simple sentence.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner
You're miserable in your marriage and yet you stay. I say, either fix your marriage or walk away from it. The fact that your wife is unresponsive to your attempts to make it better says a lot about her. She feels entitled and isn't at all concerned about your happiness. She's cold and will always be that way. So, how do you figure that you would be the one destroying her life if you left? As though she has no responsibility for her actions. Sorry, I don't have much compassion for people like that.

 

I'd suggest that you stop being a doormat to your uncaring wife and get your ducks in order. If you're really just too gutless to end something that needs to end, then dump the one person that truly loves and cares about you. That makes a lot more sense. Keep the person who doesn't care about you and ditch the one that does. I'm sure that'll keep you warm at night for years and years to come. You'll be miserable but at least you didn't have to do anything like taking a risk, or anything that required courage.

 

Always the words from an OW:lmao:

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
GuitarPlayerMP

Thank you all for your responses. They are pretty harsh, but I appreciate them. They are actually very timely. Due to some things that have gone on today, I realize that many of you are right; I should end the affair and focus on my marriage.

 

There’s actually been a pretty big development since this morning. I now know this thing with OW has to end. She was away this weekend, but neglected to tell me that her ex-boyfriend was with her. That is the second time she has withheld something from me that she would in no way be okay with if the situation was reversed. While I am angry, I can’t say she did something wrong. But this can’t continue. It is just a small peek into what can end up happening and that is unacceptable to me. I value our friendship too much to take a chance that negative emotions can ruin it. In truth, I am quite furious with her. She was texting me all weekend and omitted that very significant fact. Lying by omission is still lying. I kind of have to question how honest she is other times. I know now this would never work even if I were to leave my wife.

 

So OW “has a lot to talk about” with me tomorrow. She said it is related to her ex-boyfriend asking her to get back together. She wouldn’t say what her reply was. She then said she was looking forward to friend time with me. I am relieved, because as I said, this has to end. In fact, in my mind it already has. I will miss the amazing physical connection we have, and hope that we don’t lose the rest of our connection as we transition to a more appropriate relationship.

 

I understand why this started, but the time has come to either fix my marriage or end it. It should have nothing to do with my interest in someone else because that will always be subject to change, especially when the dynamic of this relationship is based solely on sharing what we lack outside of our relationship and does not have to deal with real relationship issues. I can never completely focus on fixing what is wrong in my marriage unless I give it all I got.

 

I am going to end it tomorrow with OW. We have actually discussed ending it several times, but for some reason we keep going back to sleeping together. It’s almost like we’re addicted to each other. This situation with her ex-boyfriend certainly changes things. I believe many of you are right when you say I should come clean about the affair and see how it goes. I will keep you posted on how things progress.

Edited by GuitarPlayerMP
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
GuitarPlayerMP
OP, who are you in love with? You don't speak of your love for either of these women just your own feelings. Who do you love?

 

Good question. I love both of them. My wife has been the most important person in my life for most of my life. When I'm with her, people see me in a more positive light, since she has always raved about me to others. OW, on the other hands, gives me the attention and assurance I crave.

Link to post
Share on other sites
That is the second time she has withheld something from me that she would in no way be okay with if the situation was reversed. While I am angry, I can’t say she did something wrong. But this can’t continue. It is just a small peek into what can end up happening and that is unacceptable to me. I value our friendship too much to take a chance that negative emotions can ruin it. In truth, I am quite furious with her. She was texting me all weekend and omitted that very significant fact. Lying by omission is still lying. I kind of have to question how honest she is other times. I know now this would never work even if I were to leave my wife.

 

Are you serious?

 

You are mad that your affair partner is lying by omission to you. On what moral ground can you stand on to object to that? She clearly knows you are doing the same thing.

 

And honestly, since you are upset with her due to that, it has nudged you in the "I should fix my marriage" direction, more than any post here did.

Link to post
Share on other sites
There’s actually been a pretty big development since this morning. I now know this thing with OW has to end. She was away this weekend, but neglected to tell me that her ex-boyfriend was with her. That is the second time she has withheld something from me that she would in no way be okay with if the situation was reversed.... In truth, I am quite furious with her.

Kinda sucks to get lied to and cheated on, doesn't it? Having something so obviously critical to your relationship withheld? Man, I can just imagine your feelings of betrayal.

 

 

But this can’t continue. It is just a small peek into what can end up happening and that is unacceptable to me.

Out of curiosity - did this just happen to be a "sneak peak" into anything else going on in your life?

Edited by Trimmer
Link to post
Share on other sites
autumnnight
Always the words from an OW:lmao:

 

Tru dat. I about fell over when I read that cold entitled wife garbage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...