Katiex87 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Hello all, Didn't know where to turn so thank you for letting me join your community. My husband and I have been together 9 years married for 5. We got together out of the fact I fell pregnant pretty soon into relationship, first problem started two weeks after 1st child and I found messages on his phone to an ex saying he missed her and she meant the world to him. So anyway forgave him and we fell in love and have stayed together. But something has always felt wrong, he is incredibly hard to talk to, if we argue he will simply shut me out and I am left feeling hurt and I think this has turnt to resentment. So fast forward some years and we get married. My husband overstayed in the UK and it affected his visa I therefore suggested we get married so he could stay...my idea. But it wasn't a fairytale marriage where he got down on one knee, it was convenient, yeah we loved each other sure, but had he not had visa issues I doubt we would have got married. More resentment. So 2 and a half years ago he wanted to go back to his home country for a short trip with his brother( leaving me at home with 2 kids over Christmas) but to be honest I wanted some space and trusted him. However on coming back I discovered over the two week period he was going about with a local girl from his area and apparently they went out drinking every night and dancing AND on top of that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring...he says they didn't sleep together,but I don't believe him.I am full of resentment now and considering leaving him. However I think about all his good points and how sorry he is and give in. I am just not sure I want this though and feel I deserve to be in a marriage where I am loved and respected and can trust the other person....is this asking too much? On top of all this Valentines day I didn't even get a card. your thoughts please x Im lost Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I think you need to file for divorce. That is it, full-stop and end of story. I'm sorry you're going through this, but to be honest, in my world, he would have been out on his backside, the first text messages I found. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLee Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I know that it isn't always easy to make these types of decisions. My heart goes out to you and your family. The thing is that you have given this man a lot over the past 9 years. You didn't get pregnant purposefully or by yourself. For whatever reason, he doesn't seem very committed. Just as you have resentment, I'm sure he may have some as well. Like you stated yourself, you deserve to be happy, loved, cherished and respected. It can't happen if you hold on to this guy who obviously doesn't feel the way he should for his wife. You could try counseling, but it doesn't look good. Lee Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katiex87 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks badpenny, its so hard when someone has been the centre of your universe for so long, the weird thing is he is really trying now, I guess because he knows I want out so he is trying to keep me... Cant help but feel guilty though especially with two children.But I just dont want to try any more, I fantasise about being on my own with the kids and the thought of being with him forever fills me with dread, but I am also scared to be alone and of the impact of my decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katiex87 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks Ladylee, Its a life changing decision that's for sure! He is a hard working man who loves his kids, but that just isn't enough and I think because of what has happened I want out. Valentine's day was the final straw to be honest x Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Thanks badpenny, its so hard when someone has been the centre of your universe for so long, the weird thing is he is really trying now, I guess because he knows I want out so he is trying to keep me... Well, I think in this case you've hit the nail on the head. He's trying hard, because he wants to keep you. And when he keeps you and he's "won"...? You think he is changing for ever, for good? It's sadly, more likely that should he succeed in convincing you to stay, he will revert to his old ways. Why? because he can, and in effect, by staying, you will have given him the permission to do so, by signalling that your staying is a nod to his behaviour. Cant help but feel guilty though especially with two children.But I just dont want to try any more, I fantasise about being on my own with the kids and the thought of being with him forever fills me with dread, but I am also scared to be alone and of the impact of my decision.Of course, it's scary. terrifying to go out on your own, on a limb. But it's better to give the children a happy stable environment in which to develop and grow, rather than for them to witness their mother stuck in a relationship, too paralysed by fear of the unknown, to move. When we emerge from our mothers, though - isn't EVERYTHING an unknown? And you've made it this far, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Why not give it 12 months him and the marriage a chance, for 12 months from today? I'd suggest going to Relate together, they are pretty good and not expensive. Then on the quiet, keep an eye on his phone, behaviour etc. If he is clearly making an effort and you build a stronger marriage then great. If not, well you can honestly say you gave it your best shot. Saying that, I don't think you can really trust him. Your marriage was based on flimsy foundations - you probably wouldn't be with him if not for the children or married if not for the visa. So it makes building a new reconciling and rebuilding so much more difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Sounds like plan B is failing for him so he needs to reinvest himself into it to stablize it so he can continue in his comfortable life style. The sad thing of it is you already know the truth. It doesn't sound like he was every really in love with you. I think you should take some time out for you and the kids to decide what you really want in your life. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Why not give it 12 months him and the marriage a chance, for 12 months from today? I'd suggest going to Relate together, they are pretty good and not expensive. Then on the quiet, keep an eye on his phone, behaviour etc. If he is clearly making an effort and you build a stronger marriage then great. If not, well you can honestly say you gave it your best shot. Saying that, I don't think you can really trust him. Your marriage was based on flimsy foundations - you probably wouldn't be with him if not for the children or married if not for the visa. So it makes building a new reconciling and rebuilding so much more difficult. No, I'm afraid I have to disagree with ^^ this ^^. Once the Trust is gone, it's going to take a Herculean task to even begin laying the foundations again. He's done it before, and you know what they say: "Fool me once, more fool you, fool me twice, more fool me...." A year is a long time for her to have to wait, to work, to hope....and Trust can't have a time-limit set on it. That in effect puts pressure on her to come round to forgiving him - and with his past, that's a tall order. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 When did you find out? Was it 2.5 years ago? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 It's time like these where you really have to put the emotional side of your brain on a shelf and make logical decision. You can either: A) stay with a known cheater and risk getting an STD, being suddenly abandoned, have your kids grow up with a horrible role model, kill your self-esteem B) leave his ass and start a better life with someone who actually cares about you and your kids. Try your hardest to protect them from him and limit their exposure to him to keep them safe It's actually really easy and drama-free. The rest is just stuff your emotional brain makes up to give it significance. I think you already know that this isn't going to fix itself. He is who is. He doesn't give one damn about you or those children and quite frankly, you deserve better. Why waste more time? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I have to admit...reading your story made me sad. I hate when people are hurting and frightened. I have not walked in your shoes....so i don't know first hand how you must be feeling. I am a big advocate of starting in the beginning....and i think you and your husband need to have a discussion about feelings, family, goals, and your relationship. You need to know exactly where he stands...does he love you...does he want you...does he need you. AND you need to ask yourself these same questions about him. If you love him and he loves you...if you want to be a family...then you can proceed to fix the things missing or lacking in your relationship. One of the things i think you need are boundaries. Did you discuss before hand how you feel about him going out for drinks with another woman? Boundaries are extremely important...but they have to be discussed ...you cannot just assume he knows how you feel. Transparency is important..you both need to be transparent with each other...passwords, phones, computers...must all be open to each other. It establishes a foundation of trust. I am a very positive person...so I am not one to immediately jump into the negative suspicions that some do. I am cautious...but i don't think the immediate answer to all problems is divorce. Talk to him...get answers to your questions..yes he could lie...but give him the benefit of the doubt...listen...and then proceed with your gut feeling after weighing what he has to say. I hope and pray that things improve for you and i hope you get the answers you need and want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katiex87 Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) Thank you to all you wonderful people who have responded I am so grateful for your help, encouragement and reassurance. The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband and he is a wonderful father so in that respect I will never ever take or use his children against him, I really hope they continue to have the close relationship they have now, as for me I'm dreading the future but I know I cant stay in a marriage which lacks the basic foundations I guess there is talking to be done... Edited February 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Reference to deleted post~T Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 the point here is that we get small glimpses into lives...we never see the whole picture....I like to give the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong. Some like to paint gloom and doom from the get go. I learned a long time ago to never make assumptions about people....because 90% of the time...it only proves that you are the a$$ hole instead of them. You have some issues to resolve...that is apparent and by your own admission..you don't need others projecting their assumptions onto the situation. I have learned...many people project their own stories into stories that are posted...we need to remember no two situations are exactly the same. Look Katie...all i want is for you to be happy and to feel safe and secure...if that means divorcing your husband or staying with him...it doesn't matter to me. I don't have an agenda. I want you and your babies to be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mistygurl Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 You deserve better! Its too dangerous out there. You don't want to catch something you can't get rid of! Think about your children. He wants to live the single life. Let him go and focus on you and your kids. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 There is a lot of stuff here Katiex and it's difficult to get a snapshot let alone a prognosis. Should you stay or go seems to me to be the question that gets asked after some deeper thought and clearly after sorting through the issues. What is the relationship between the ex girl friend and the local girl. Is the ex also a local girl? The local girl seems to be less your concern - at best he got something out of his system. The ex - probably an ex for a reason. Do you think either of these women are still within his radar? Your man seems to be, based on your small testimonial here, an intimacy-conflict avoider. He might feel "resentment" but is blaming it on you. He is a man who needs to get past some personal issues. If i had to guess, and I'm only guessing, perhaps he is in a limbo where he has invested himself with the idea that he has a collection of lost opportunities and he holds you (like our infamous BlackHat ) fully responsible. As long as he is able to hang onto his illusion that you made his decisions for him, rather than your role as a partner to support them, as long as he hangs onto his romantic ideas that a couple of his flames "escaped", he is not going to fix himself, and is frankly, going to blame you for that rather than his own intimacy issues about commitment. He needs to own the life he chose and perhaps even at one time he may have, but suddenly is looking for a scapegoat. There isn't enough to say. Just put the concept of marriage aside for a minute and think about the nature of your relationship with him and his with you. What is there to go with? So should you stay or go for me is more like how can you get your marriage back on track so that he is able to live in the present fully with you. He is a broken man who needs to be fixed or he is a fixated man who needs to be broken. Either way this isn't about you, but it is about your marriage, and the family. Hello all, Didn't know where to turn so thank you for letting me join your community. My husband and I have been together 9 years married for 5. We got together out of the fact I fell pregnant pretty soon into relationship, first problem started two weeks after 1st child and I found messages on his phone to an ex saying he missed her and she meant the world to him. So anyway forgave him and we fell in love and have stayed together. But something has always felt wrong, he is incredibly hard to talk to, if we argue he will simply shut me out and I am left feeling hurt and I think this has turnt to resentment. So fast forward some years and we get married. My husband overstayed in the UK and it affected his visa I therefore suggested we get married so he could stay...my idea. But it wasn't a fairytale marriage where he got down on one knee, it was convenient, yeah we loved each other sure, but had he not had visa issues I doubt we would have got married. More resentment. So 2 and a half years ago he wanted to go back to his home country for a short trip with his brother( leaving me at home with 2 kids over Christmas) but to be honest I wanted some space and trusted him. However on coming back I discovered over the two week period he was going about with a local girl from his area and apparently they went out drinking every night and dancing AND on top of that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring...he says they didn't sleep together,but I don't believe him.I am full of resentment now and considering leaving him. However I think about all his good points and how sorry he is and give in. I am just not sure I want this though and feel I deserve to be in a marriage where I am loved and respected and can trust the other person....is this asking too much? On top of all this Valentines day I didn't even get a card. your thoughts please x Im lost Link to post Share on other sites
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