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troubled soul

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troubled soul

Hello. I am a married man with two young children. I have been having an affair with a married woman who also has two children for almost one year. I'm sick and tired of the roller coaster of emotions I feel. I love her, and I love being with her, but then I feel really bad when I'm not and I know she's with her husband.

 

Although I am in love with this woman, and she with me, I cannot continue to do this to myself. It is literally self-torture.

 

Reasons this is so hard for me to stop:

 

1. My marriage was in the ditch when the affair started. Since the affair began, my marriage has turned around 180 degrees. I'm in a good place with my wife now. She says I'm a different person. My concern is, that if I quit the affair, I'll regress back to the same person I was before and not treat her as well as she deserves. The guilt of the affair has caused me to treat her like a queen.

 

2. The woman I'm in love with is just perfection. I know you've heard it all before, but she's truly a gem. I know I will not, in my lifetime, meet another person who I can connect with like her. That's what's so hard to give up.

 

3. The sex is incredible.

 

4. She treats me like her boyfriend. And it's just fun to be around her.

 

 

 

Reasons I need to stop:

 

1. She is a selfish type of person. She has had two physical affairs and one emotional affair prior to this one. She has never been caught by her husband.

 

2. She is the biggest narcissist I've ever met. She is constantly bragging on herself, how good she looks, how funny she is, etc. She literally thinks every man wants her. It's annoying as hell.

 

3. The fact that she's had the other affairs haunts me. It makes me feel like a chump, that I'm the 4th guy she's cheated on her husband with. I think if I was the first, I would feel differently. But I mean come on, she's a serial cheater. She even admits to "throwing out the bait" to me and the other guys she screwed. And to top that off, she still has business relations with the first guy she had an affair with. And she is facebook friends with him. Which annoys the hell out of me.

 

4. She's not a very nurturing person. Most women are thought of as being nurturers, caretakers, etc. She is not. She cares about herself mainly.

 

 

Listen to me. I know I need to quit the affair. Now I need a kick in the ass to get the willpower up to do it. I still love her. I don't know if you've ever walked away from love, but it's incredibly hard to do.

 

Your help and advice is greatly appreciated.

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gettingstronger

Well, if your wife finds out she may kick you out and you will have given up a good woman for a woman that is not- you say you love this other woman yet she has qualities you really don't like-it probably comes down to sex for you- she builds herself up as a huge prize and it makes you feel good that you can attain this prize-

 

You have low self esteem and you message it by being part of the OWs fantasy of who she is- take a hard look at her-if she was single and you were too would you want her-

 

This isn't a movie, this is your life and you need to be more realistic-your wife deserves better, you deserve better, the OW will find someone else to play her games, let her-

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I'm sick and tired of the roller coaster of emotions I feel.

 

When you get sick enough and tired enough, the willpower will find you.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I have been on that roller coaster for 5 years, and it is very difficult to end.

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This is absolutely fascinating to me. My WS did the same thing. Fell for a serial cheater. I can't get it out of my own WS so maybe you can explain it to me,

 

How can you be in love with such an obvious piece of sh*t person?

 

I can see lust. Enjoying the sex. But love? SMFH.

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troubled soul
This is absolutely fascinating to me. My WS did the same thing. Fell for a serial cheater. I can't get it out of my own WS so maybe you can explain it to me,

 

How can you be in love with such an obvious piece of sh*t person?

 

I can see lust. Enjoying the sex. But love? SMFH.

 

 

I completely understand the validity of your question. It is fascinating to me as well. The only thing I know to say is, that I feel like the pull of being in love is almost like a drug. It blinds me to reality in some ways. It makes me only think about my next fix, which is the woman I'm having an affair with. So, even though she is indeed a serial cheater, and this is my first and only time, the feeling of being "in love" makes me forgive all that stuff. I know that's a crazy line of thinking. But it's where I'm at right now. Trust me, I'd rather have never met this woman in the first place. But now she consumes my thoughts.

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Oberfeldwebel

When I read this post, you describe two individuals that could not be more different. Now you know that the second description is true. She has cheated on her husband, self-absorbed individual. Additionally, I think that if you were truly honest with yourself, that the first set is more a view from someone in the midst of an affair fog, looking through their rose-colored glasses.

 

However, this has absolutely nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. You state that you are concerned that you will relapse into treating your wife poorly. Never in her do you state that you have any feeling for your wife whatsoever. This may be an oversight, but seems very telling to me.

 

It is always best to finish one relationship before you start another one, so the first thing you have to do is decide if you want to remain married. I believe that most relationships can be saved if both parties work hard to fix the problems. If you want to try to fix your marriage, then you need to have a serious conversation with your wife and let her know the rest of the story. Then you need to get into counseling and try to get at the root of your selfish behavior that led to your infidelity and any other problems in the marriage.

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She sounds disgusting. It sound like you're in lust not love. Why did you destroy your marriage for a woman who would probably end up running around on you too? Did you get tested for STDs? I'm sure your wife would be thrilled knowing you're dipping your candy stick in some stuff that's been around the block and bringing it home to her. I feel sorry for your wife.

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Well if you don't stop you might want to consider uping your insurance. Your going to need it after the disease she gives to you. Might also want to consider putting a little money on the side. Once your wife finds out your going to need a place to stay.

 

Child support is going to be the next wonderful experience you go through. Imagine all those wonderful morning waking up and all you hear is silence. Your kids will be with there mom and she will have a new man in her life living the role as dad.

 

Well at least in the end you can say the sex was amazing.

 

I personally would never gamble my kids being raised by another man. I guess that is just me.

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Do you know about the affair fog? One poster here put out a very good description of it recently. Here it is if you are interested:

 

Then I would turn to my BF and remember all the amazing things about him and why I ever started dating him in the first place, and I would think to myself/promise myself that I would forget about and get over the OM and be perfectly happy. Then the withdrawal would set in. Those chemicals started dwindling, I started missing the OM, thinking about him all the time, obsessing over him, and because I didn't understand the anatomy and physiology of an affair at the time, I convinced myself that this must mean I loved the OM more than my BF. Of course, when I was away from my BF, I wasn't going into withdrawal because the nature of our relationship was not that of an affair, it was not a drug addiction. This further convinced me that if I didn't miss my BF as much as I missed the OM, then surely I felt more strongly about the OM. So then, next time the OM would contact me, I would jump in like a junkie. I would misconstrue his contact as proof that he actually cared, when really, he was probably going through the same withdrawal and needed his own fix too. This cycle would repeat hundreds of times throughout the affair. The battle between the affair fog/need for the fix, and the logical part of my brain which told me that my BF was the better man, the better choice, the time-tested better fit for me, raged on constantly in my mind throughout the affair. The under-the-influence part of me felt I needed the OM and would do anything to be with him, but on some level, I also knew that if I could just cut the OM out of my life and survive the withdrawal, I would be able to get back to that former loving, fulfilling relationship that I once had with my BF and that I once thought was everything I ever wanted

 

At the time of D-day, I had already been in IC for about 7 months, and I was coming to terms with this realization more and more each day. This, with the help of my therapist, is what led to me writing and sending the NC letter 3 weeks before D-day. When I wrote it, I thought that if only I could cut the OM out of my life completely, I could move on and get back to that happy place with my BF again. Of course, in the 3 weeks following the day I sent the letter, I went through terrible withdrawal, I relapsed and contacted the OM, and when he began saying things like how much he cared for me, how part of him wanted to run away with me, all those chemicals came rushing back, and it felt so good. I got my fix, and I begged him not to cut my supply short, i.e. to be with me for good. When he refused, of course I was upset, I was devastated. Of course I was angry. He had given me so much hope, built up those chemicals so much, and then tore it all away from me. I was so sick of the back and forth, the up and down, the emotional roller coaster. It was mental anguish, emotional torture, and I was inflicting it on myself like a masochist. I knew that I had chosen this, that I was actively participating, and I decided once and for all to stop subjecting myself to it. I knew that the only way to do so was to cut all contact, to go through the withdrawal, and to come out on the other side. I knew the only thing that would prevent me from relapsing was to confess to my BF and to get it all out in the open. Because as long as it was still a secret, I would always hold onto hope that it could work out, that I could have a little taste of my drug when I needed it, and then go back to being normal. Of course that's impossible for any addict.

 

Of course, I know that now that I have made the decision to cheat and have been through the affair, I will always be a cheater and an addict. An alcoholic who is not drinking is still an alcoholic, and should not be around alcohol. It was eye-opening for me to learn that I have such an addictive/obsessive personality, and that I lack impulse control, but now that I recognize it, I can take the steps necessary to avoid going down that slippery slope in the future, including maintaining NC with the OM for as long as I live. I think my guilt and shame will be tremendous tools in helping me to stay clean, and although I want to move on from this stage in my life, I hope I never forget how terrible, how awfully low and abysmal this affair made me feel so that I can always remember to avoid going down the same path in the future.

 

By Paenitentiae

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troubled soul
You state that you are concerned that you will relapse into treating your wife poorly. Never in her do you state that you have any feeling for your wife whatsoever. This may be an oversight, but seems very telling to me.

QUOTE]

 

 

Thanks for pointing that out. I do indeed love my wife. She is a stay at home mom and she homeschools our kids. But my love for her is more like that of a daughter or sibling than a romantic type of love. But regardless, I want to be clear that I do love my wife. She tells me all the time how handsome I am, how much she appreciates me, etc. I feel like I've got a wife that's better to me than I deserve.

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troubled soul
She sounds disgusting. It sound like you're in lust not love. Why did you destroy your marriage for a woman who would probably end up running around on you too? Did you get tested for STDs? I'm sure your wife would be thrilled knowing you're dipping your candy stick in some stuff that's been around the block and bringing it home to her. I feel sorry for your wife.

 

 

I really hadn't considered it like I had already destroyed my marriage. My thought was, if I can end the affair, I would never reveal it to my wife.

 

I'm curious why you have the perspective that my marriage is already destroyed? I'm asking that question respectfully.

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First I would like to note, this is a prime example of how men having affairs are different then women who have affairs. OP has gotten closer to his wife. Its because men don't tend to have to justify having an affair. So it has not impacted the way he views his wife, take heed OW.

 

Now, if you put MOW good/bad on a scale its clear bad would send good thru the roof. You could have stop with serial cheater, then you add shallow, selfish and uncaring. WOW, I thought you said she was great. Sex must be off the charts, cuz she honestly sounds like a nightmare.

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TrustedthenBusted

I'll bet you anything you are not the only person your OW is making time with. If she told you you are the 4th, then you need to run that number through the infidelity multiplier and figure out what the real number is.

 

She lies to her husband every single day, just as you do to your wife. But you think YOU are the one getting the truth from her?

 

Clearly no man can fill her bucket, and she's probably been that way since 6th grade. You are headed for a world of hurt one way or another.

 

Just write the email.... stare at it for awhile... then click send. Then just don't respond to anything ever again.

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troubled soul
First I would like to note, this is a prime example of how men having affairs are different then women who have affairs. OP has gotten closer to his wife. Its because men don't tend to have to justify having an affair. So it has not impacted the way he views his wife, take heed OW.

 

Now, if you put MOW good/bad on a scale its clear bad would send good thru the roof. You could have stop with serial cheater, then you add shallow, selfish and uncaring. WOW, I thought you said she was great. Sex must be off the charts, cuz she honestly sounds like a nightmare.

 

Thank you for the second part of your post. I need to hear things like that. I need to be slapped in the face. I need to be convinced to stop acting like a little boy and start acting like the man I am.

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Thank you for the second part of your post. I need to hear things like that. I need to be slapped in the face. I need to be convinced to stop acting like a little boy and start acting like the man I am.

 

I can guarantee you if your wife knew about your cheating, you'd man up in a hurry and end it and beg her for forgiveness.

 

Get yourself into counseling. This OW is no more than a drug.

 

You are thinking with the wrong head here and you KNOW it.

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troubled soul
I'll bet you anything you are not the only person your OW is making time with. If she told you you are the 4th, then you need to run that number through the infidelity multiplier and figure out what the real number is.

 

She lies to her husband every single day, just as you do to your wife. But you think YOU are the one getting the truth from her?

 

Clearly no man can fill her bucket, and she's probably been that way since 6th grade. You are headed for a world of hurt one way or another.

 

Just write the email.... stare at it for awhile... then click send. Then just don't respond to anything ever again.

 

 

What's the infidelity multiplier?

 

What do you mean by headed for a world of hurt, one way or another?

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troubled soul

I also want to add that I've become obsessed with playing detective to find out who her prior AP's were. I've nailed down two of the three. I've even friended them with a fake facebook account so I can review their post history during the affairs. I know that's wrong. I really don't know why I do it. I guess I'm comparing myself to those other guys and I'm trying to see what she saw in them and if they were "better " than me.

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troubled soul
I can guarantee you if your wife knew about your cheating, you'd man up in a hurry and end it and beg her for forgiveness.

 

Get yourself into counseling. This OW is no more than a drug.

 

You are thinking with the wrong head here and you KNOW it.

 

I honestly don't feel like I'm thinking with the wrong head. Sex is definitely a part of the equation. But we meet all the time just for lunch or to hang out with no sex at all. So it's really not all about sex.

 

How can I go into counseling if I won't reveal the affair to my wife. I will never reveal it to her, no matter what. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but there's no way I would ever do it. I want to end this deal and make out like it never happened. And never let it happen again.

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TrustedthenBusted
What's the infidelity multiplier?

 

What do you mean by headed for a world of hurt, one way or another?

 

Elementary my dear Watson.

 

The infidelity multiplier is a mental tool you have to use when dealing with a cheater.

 

If she says there have been 4 other men, this means there have been at least 9, and one of them used to play in the NBA.

 

When she says she used condoms with all of them, what this really means is she was raw-dogged by all of them, and probably by two at the same time.

 

When she says she loves you, what she means is the second her husband finds out, she will lie to him, drop you like an angry cat, and never look back.

 

When she says you are amazing in bed, what she means is " I am amazing in bed, and you are lucky to get some of this."

 

When she says her husband is a jerk, what she means is she doesn't deserve him, and she knows it.

 

When she says what you have is special, what she means is she needs the amount of constant attention and praise and adoration typically lavished on 6 year olds.

 

 

 

As for the world of hurt you're headed to...well, it can come in many forms. Some of them are:

 

1. your wife finding out. Hopefully not because of any painful red blisters on her nether regions. Oh man, you think narcissism is bad, wait til you deal with a woman who doesn't actually care if you live or die anymore!

 

2. is her husband finding out, and deciding he wants to know how your face will react to repeated punching. ( My only regret about kicking OM's ass was that amazingly, nobody had a cell phone going, so I don't have the You Tube footage of him begging for his life. If this happens again, I will wear a GoPro camera. )

 

3. This is your entire network of friends and family finding out after your "ex" wife puts you on blast via Facebook. Good times...

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I honestly don't feel like I'm thinking with the wrong head. Sex is definitely a part of the equation. But we meet all the time just for lunch or to hang out with no sex at all. So it's really not all about sex.

 

How can I go into counseling if I won't reveal the affair to my wife. I will never reveal it to her, no matter what. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but there's no way I would ever do it. I want to end this deal and make out like it never happened. And never let it happen again.

 

Sex is a big part of it...b/c you don't want to lose the amazing sex. So, yes, you are thinking with the wrong head in that regard. It may not be all about sex, but the sex piece is tough to lose.

 

You are not the first to miss the amazing sex. But you can have that with your wife too, if you let yourself. I'm right there...getting back to the intimate connection with my wife after mind blowing sex with AP.

 

Also, it's only amazing sex b/c you are not living in reality with the OW. You said yourself it's fun with her...because you are not dealing with real life stressors. It's all about fun and sex. You are not taking care of kids, house, cars, bills, and the hard reality of everyday life that sometimes gets in the way of marriages.

 

You need to find a way to get into counseling. Make up and excuse. Say you are stressed from work or whatever reason you need to make up to get there.

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TrustedthenBusted
I want to end this deal and make out like it never happened. And never let it happen again.

 

You do this, and it will most certainly happen again.

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You're addicted to her, the sex and how she makes you feel. You are on this high that you don't want to let go of. Don't you wish we can bottle this 'euphoric' feeling up and possibly sell it = ). All jokes aside, you already know she's a serial cheater and you may not be her last. She has serious internal issues that she needs help for. She needs to seek a therapist because she's hurting inside and being very destructive. Please don't add to it. Try to remove yourself now before you invest any more time. The sooner, the better. Start your path to feeling before anything comes to light. Save yourself a D-day and the consequences this affair will have.

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I really hadn't considered it like I had already destroyed my marriage. My thought was, if I can end the affair, I would never reveal it to my wife.

 

I'm curious why you have the perspective that my marriage is already destroyed? I'm asking that question respectfully.

 

I said you destroyed your marriage, well, because you did. I know you don't plan on revealing this to your wife but chances are your wife has already become somewhat suspicious of you. I'm sure there are strong signs that you've distanced yourself from her and I'm sure she can feel that and wonders why. Your wife will find out. Maybe not today or tomorrow but believe me, that cat will be let out of the bag. You're going to have to ask yourself if it is better coming out of your mouth or worse if she happens to stumble on some incriminating evidence about your affair.

 

In my opinion you should come out with everything and throw it on the table for your wife. I know that's extremely difficult to do but man up. Tell her what you told all of us. Tell her you think of her as a dependent and not a wife you're in love with. Perhaps one day you'd like to find out if you can genuinely fall in love with your wife. But for now you should let her be free so she can find an authentic husband who will treat her the way she needs to be treated. I know this sounds a bit harsh but it is the truth. I'm sure one of the main reasons you're sticking around is because of your children. That seems to be a common theme.

 

How much better would it feel to divorce your wife so you can be free to date and have sex with whoever and whenever you want? It has to be incredibly stressful to juggle both of your identities. Perhaps you can schedule some marital counseling and come out with everything there. That way you have some mediation with a trained pro who'll be able to console your wife when she finds out the life partner she thought she married betrayed her so freely.

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If she says there have been 4 other men, this means there have been at least 9, and one of them used to play in the NBA.

 

When she says she used condoms with all of them, what this really means is she was raw-dogged by all of them, and probably by two at the same time.

 

When she says she loves you, what she means is the second her husband finds out, she will lie to him, drop you like an angry cat, and never look back.

 

When she says you are amazing in bed, what she means is " I am amazing in bed, and you are lucky to get some of this."

 

When she says her husband is a jerk, what she means is she doesn't deserve him, and she knows it.

 

When she says what you have is special, what she means is she needs the amount of constant attention and praise and adoration typically lavished on 6 year olds.

 

This made me chuckle hysterically. Thank you. :)

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