Forgetting AP - how?

[Calmtoaster]

it's been a month since AP has ended a 12 month EA. There has been 2 times when we had tried NC and ultimately she came back and reignited everything after a week in both cases.

 

This time it seems for good.

 

Whilst I am able to function enough to get basic stuff done - getting up and going to work for example i am obsessed with thoughts and memories of her on a quite frankly ridiculous scale. I'm not able to actually focus at work for long periods and feel so numb. I am resisting making contact on a daily sometimes hourly basis.

 

There were no fights or arguments between us. But I could see the pain the situation was causing her and when she said enough is enough this time we both cried and wished each other all the love in the world but she can't carry on.

 

How long does it take for no contact to work and free my heart?

 

 

I also 'want' to grieve and let out all the emotions I can but, apart from journaling and writing down stuff - I can't cry. It's just not happening. I'm not numb as I'm obsessing every day. And normally I can cry if feelings overwhelm but I feel like I can't move on and I really want to.

 

 

Any advice on what else other than NC I can do? The silence from her this time is devastating. I partly feel disrespectful if I break it and obsessed with wanting to see how she is, let her know that I'm thinking of her.

 

We started out as friends then became more connected than I could have imagined.

 

Any advice gratefully received.

 

Also tales of how long NC was done before feeling 'free' again would be marvelous. I know it's different for everyone but I have no frame of reference.

 

Much love to all in emotional pain

 

Calm

Xx

[PegNosePete]

AP ended it... were you the married one or was she?

[Calmtoaster]

She called time on it. She's single (36). I'm married (44)

[sandylee1]

If you care about her, you will want the best for her and that is NOT being with you.

You can't offer her more than being a bit on the side, so be glad she wants better for herself.

 

She may want children and a committed man to be hers. You can't be that for her. Please let her go. DO NOT contact her and you'll feel better in time. The feeling of not being able to introduce her boyfriend to friends and family will be crushing. Try and think about that, rather than about yourself and your desires. Is she only good enough to be your little secret?

 

Find other things to do with your spare time. Find a new hobby, take up a sport and most importantly try and reconnect with your wife. Surely she deserves that much doesn't she?

[PegNosePete]

And have you told your wife of your affair? This is important for you to move past it and repair the marriage. If you don't do this then you'll be consumed by guilt forever, and your marriage will be built on lies and secrets.

[purplesorrow]

She called time on it. She's single (36). I'm married (44)

 

You obviously have the capacity to forget about her as you were able to forget about your wife to engage the affair. You know how it works, whatever you feed will grow. Have you decided what it is you want future wise? Stay married? Separate? Divorce and pursue your AP? Pick a path and put all of your energy into that.

[Calmtoaster]

Thanks for responding.

 

I won't contact her because I do care about her and a lot of these thoughts have been in my mind. Not unless I'm in a position to commit to her and give her what she needs.

 

I won't contact her because I (after reading so much about all this awful situation which I am responsible for) strongly fear is a fantasy/bubble with no foundation in reality. That's what my head tells me. My heart however is screaming with loss and was completely convinced this was the woman I should be with. It's great advice from friends who say 'follow your heart'. Oh fantastic advice - thanks SO much for that! ( apologies for any gentle sarcasm - I'm British) Very hallmark cards and cynicism attitude aside - very true. My problem is I do NOT trust my heart right now.

 

What I want is for these obsessive memories, thoughts, aching relentless in their intensity to subside so I can view all this from a place of calm emotion.

 

My head doesn't want to contact her but some broken part of me deep inside wants nothing else than to see how she is, share our hopes and fears as we have done. She has been truly a best friend and confident and my heart did want to be with her. It still does to be honest but again, do I trust it? I know I have to have no contact and review my marriage and my life with clear undistracted eyes.

 

It is tearing me apart and it's been 4 weeks. I'd love to know how long it's lasted for others who resolutely stuck with no contact. And how they looked it.

 

 

I appreciate that Telling my wife/rebuilding an obviously broken relationship there is something I will have to confront but with all respect - now is not the time for any number of reasons. I will explore that later. Right now I just want to see clearly again

 

Much love to all

Calm

Xx

[BetrayedH]

As purplesorrow alluded to, the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

If you keep engaging with the fantasy, it's going to continue to seem fantastic. Besides this physical NC that you're managing now, you also need to implement a form of mental NC. Everytime the AP enters your thoughts, envision a stop sign. Force yourself to redirect your thoughts. I suggest you redirect them toward your wife, where they should be. Then commit to spending the next few minutes investing in her. Plan to bring home flowers, write her a nice card, share something with her about your day or send her a flirty text message, plan a weekend getaway.

 

I suspect that these were all things you gladly spent your time doing for your AP during the A. It's time to stop doing that and to be gladly investing that time and effort where it should have been all along.

 

These are actionable steps that you can CHOOSE to take. Or you can keep choosing to mentally invest in a dead fantasy affair. Every single time, it's your choice. I'm sorry but you are not a victim here and you should stop acting like one.

[PegNosePete]

I will have to confront but with all respect - now is not the time for any number of reasons. I will explore that later. Right now I just want to see clearly again

I know you're going to justify not telling her, using any excuse that you can possibly think of. But when it comes to it, that's what they are -- excuses. To save your own skin.

 

Your whole marriage is based on a lie. You lie every time you see her. How do you expect to be able to see clearly when there is a huge weight like that hanging over your head?

 

Well it's up to you, but asking how to get over this and then ignoring the only sensible course of action, doesn't seem very clever to me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

BeytrayedH...this is a wonderful quote.

[Furious]

it's been a month since AP has ended a 12 month EA. There has been 2 times when we had tried NC and ultimately she came back and reignited everything after a week in both cases.

 

This time it seems for good.

 

Whilst I am able to function enough to get basic stuff done - getting up and going to work for example i am obsessed with thoughts and memories of her on a quite frankly ridiculous scale. I'm not able to actually focus at work for long periods and feel so numb. I am resisting making contact on a daily sometimes hourly basis.

 

There were no fights or arguments between us. But I could see the pain the situation was causing her and when she said enough is enough this time we both cried and wished each other all the love in the world but she can't carry on.

 

How long does it take for no contact to work and free my heart?

 

 

I also 'want' to grieve and let out all the emotions I can but, apart from journaling and writing down stuff - I can't cry. It's just not happening. I'm not numb as I'm obsessing every day. And normally I can cry if feelings overwhelm but I feel like I can't move on and I really want to.

 

 

Any advice on what else other than NC I can do? The silence from her this time is devastating. I partly feel disrespectful if I break it and obsessed with wanting to see how she is, let her know that I'm thinking of her.

 

We started out as friends then became more connected than I could have imagined.

 

Any advice gratefully received.

 

Also tales of how long NC was done before feeling 'free' again would be marvelous. I know it's different for everyone but I have no frame of reference.

 

Much love to all in emotional pain

 

Calm

Xx

 

 

You sure are feeling sorry for yourself. Everything was perfect, you had a girlfriend and a wife. Between the lines, it's all about you. it's really not getting over the Ow it's about getting over your bruised ego.

 

It's obvious you are scared to be truthful, honest, show integrity, make a decision. You're sad because you miss cake, and are devastated because the OW pressured you to make a choice.

 

Now you are stuck, how can you live in limbo, if only reality didn't interfere you'd be fine with living a double life.

 

Your dilemma is you're looking for a no risk situation, with the best outcome for you. You grieve for yourself, and miss being able to have it all.

[gettingstronger]

I know you say coming clean is not a good idea right now, but I do believe the single best way to come out of your fog and decide what you really want is to face up to what you have done to the person you have promised to be faithful to-so many on here have said they never really understood the full impact until they say it through the eyes of their spouse-until then you are just prolonging the idea of the affair and not really fully seeing it for what it is- who knows, maybe coming clean will be the step you need to go back to the OW, maybe it will be the spark that helps you heal your marriage-

all I know is that right now, without disclosure you are not living authentically and whatever you decide to do will not be sustainable-

[BetrayedH]

the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

BeytrayedH...this is a wonderful quote.

 

It's stolen, like all my best lines.

[Rainbowlove]

How do you get over your AP?

 

Absolutely going no contact will help. Nothing. No dribbles. Each time you break no contact, you are back to square one with the hurt, with the obsession, with the sadness and confusion.

 

You are going through withdrawals of her. You are in acute pain. It's a break up like any other break up.

 

Right now you feel like you'll always feel this intense missing and pain. You won't. It does get easier or less intense....but it lingers for a long time.

 

You've crossed lines in your marriage that whether you confess or not, you changed the dynamics and emotional relationship with your wife.

 

Now you must find a way to reconnect at home and grieve the loss of your XAP at the same time. I've been there and it's horrible to do and very difficult to mend one and say goodbye to the other.

 

I'm 16 months post affair and the hurt is with me. I am able to move forward most days. Occasionally, it becomes too much, but I keep walking through it hoping a day comes when I'm free from it.

 

What I've done is each time I get all sad and sappy about her, I think of how awful I felt with the direction my life had taken when I was engaged in the affair. I think about how much I hurt my wife and son. I think about the day I packed my bags and left our family home. I think about how much my son cried and begged me to come home. I think about how much I started to hate my life and the mess I had created. I think about how I could barely recognize myself in the mirror. I think about how I lost the ability to like me.

 

Think about any bad feeling your affair brought you. You are only grieving the good you gained from it, but there has to be bad in it too. See the bad. Write it down.

 

You are going to have to get to a place where you can find tears and release the emotions in a healthy way.

 

If you haven't already, get into counseling. Trust me, you are going to need someone to talk to. You cannot keep these thoughts in your head. It will drive you insane.

 

Good luck letting go. Stay NC.

[Casa]

Lots of people grieving here. Me too. Not a minute goes by when he's not in my heart or hurting my heart.

 

I don't understand why men stay married when they clearly love someone else. Mrs wife knows about us and knows it's love. But I believe he should've left even if not for me. Nobody's happy. He's a shell staying out of guilt. I saw him the other day looking like sht.... He admitted he'd never forget

Edited February 26, 2015 by Casa

[Confused48]

Lots of people grieving here. Me too. Not a minute goes by when he's not in my heart or hurting my heart.

 

I don't understand why men stay married when they clearly love someone else. Mrs wife knows about us and knows it's love. But I believe he should've left even if not for me. Nobody's happy. He's a shell staying out of guilt. I saw him the other day looking like sht.... He admitted he'd never forget

 

This is just total garbage. You are encouraging him to leave his family for a fantasy? If he does, reality will set in, the fantasy will evaporate, he will be stuck with a cheater as his partner and lose his family. People that leave for the AP don't typically end up well. There are exceptions of course but rare.

[Rainbowlove]

Lots of people grieving here. Me too. Not a minute goes by when he's not in my heart or hurting my heart.

 

I don't understand why men stay married when they clearly love someone else. Mrs wife knows about us and knows it's love. But I believe he should've left even if not for me. Nobody's happy. He's a shell staying out of guilt. I saw him the other day looking like sht.... He admitted he'd never forget

 

Because there are commitments and family and love and history involved. Even if you enter into an affair and having feelings of love for your AP, some of us still love our spouses and family deeply. If you are lucky enough, like me, to admit to your affair and keep your spouse in our life, you see another side of love. You see how much one truly loves you enough to forgive what many deem an unforgivable offense.

 

I've gained more respect and love for my wife for what she's endured in fighting for our marriage, family and life when all I could do was piss it away.

 

Yes, I loved my AP and still do. I wish her well. I hope she's safe and happy in life, but I love my wife and family and myself more.

 

Leaving isn't always the answer. It's an easy way out of a hell of a messy situation we (the WS) created.

[carhill]

Forgetting AP - how?

IME, it's not so much 'forgetting', rather processing the emotions relevant to the affair, both the partner and actions in general, to a neutral state. IOW, the memories are valid and the emotions associated with those past life experiences are valid and they are in the past and life is a continuum.

 

I found this processing to work well when, recently, a random LinkedIn blurb arrived into my inbox, complete with a picture of a past MW who apparently recently received her real estate license. I immediately recognized the name and picture and my first thoughts were 'good for her' and hoped that things have gone well for she and her boyfriend after they bought a house together around the time of our last contact. Due to how MC helped me with processing, I can type this and, even if wanting to feel something, it's not there, other than personality-relevant human compassion for someone I had loved in the past. That's how the process worked, for me anyway, and with someone whom I knew and loved for a generation. Life goes on.

[Cali408]

Be grateful that you haven't been caught.

If you're religious, read proverbs chapter 6, go to church, go to penance

Channel your energy into your wife. When you think about her, switch the feelings to your wife. Work on that relationship.

Every day you're in NC is a day you're a better person.

Keep reminding yourself you're doing the right thing.