What did you get from counseling

[Jkidding]

Original title of this post "did counceling help you?" Unfortunately website rejects word "help" in title :-)

 

I see people advocating counceling here. I am already divorced. But we went to counceling before. And it did not help a bit. In fact few last sessions I felt being mocked by psychotherapist and was pissed to no limits. I am not sure maybe this "specialist" was fake. Do they have certifications at all? It is seems to me that they are doctors on borders of science and therefore not really accountable for their methods and ways. As I think now these are just peoples making money on other people miseries.

I am very sceptical about this "counceling". I'd like to hear stories where it did REALLY help. Anyone?

[Mrs. John Adams]

We went to counseling...she watched the clock the entire time....we paid for an hour and got 45 minutes

 

I went...then John went....she would ream him and tell him how badly he was treating me.

 

I was the cheater...

 

This went on for several sessions and we decided it was a total waste of our time and money.

 

We quit.

 

I know you asked for success stories...we are one...but not because of our shrink

[JohnAdams]

I agree with Mrs. JA. We could have received better advice from the bartender. That is not to say they are all bad. Unfortunately, we did get a bad one. The trouble is, how do you know who the good ones are?

[Jkidding]

I know you asked for success stories...we are one...but not because of our shrink

 

Thank you for your story! I think people deserve to know what to expect from this. I will edit my original post, so people would share their stories bad or not.

[Satu]

I am a champion counselling client, lol.

 

I had lots (hundreds of hours) of counselling, and ultimately gained a lot from it. I've had a very strange and unusual life, so telling my story and having it understood, was immensely therapeutic. Eventually, I reached the point where my story became uninteresting to myself, and I felt no more need to focus on it. By the time I discontinued, I was in great shape and felt free to just get on with life.

 

Two therapists I saw just weren't right for me, so I gave up on them early on.

 

The one I ended up with really 'got' me, and felt right.

 

So you have to shop around, just like with anything else.

[carhill]

Just like people vary, so do professionals, regardless of profession.

 

For MC we used a clinical psychologist who specialized in abuse and infidelity who was referred to us by a client of my exW's who's a prison psychologist. Didn't take notes, remembered everything, mind like a steel trap, worked our issues for over a year and finally told us it was time to make a decision on the facts and perspectives revealed and work done. Insurance didn't cover the sessions and, in retrospect, that period of work and therapy was the best five grand I ever spent on something. I don't know how my exW feels but she's apparently doing fine and I'm more content than I've been in decades.

 

Probably the two most significant tools I received in therapy were how to process emotions in a measured way and to accept, authentically, aspects of life which are out of my control. At the time, an affair, a dead marriage and an actual death were on the table so those breakthroughs were significant.

 

Sorry for your experience. Our psychologist challenged us every session but I always felt respected.

[Jkidding]

Unfortunately it's not possible to edit original message anymore but I urge please post your experiences either good or bad!

[Auspecial]

In my experience, its not worth the money. Its almost just entertainment. You sit and talk back and forth 50 minutes, and they usually state the obvious a good bit, and sometimes start telling you their issues.

 

 

I think its more fun, frugal and effective to talk to some friends.

[Jkidding]

I think its more fun, frugal and effective to talk to some friends.

 

But those must be really close people. Not only close but also someone who One can talk to safely. After all of this I regret a bit spilling too much to my parents. And regret talking to my cousin who is fine guy but now everybody in family knows. But my brother was a blessing. He is "street smarter" than I am. Had his share of "romances" so he really did listen and his advices were to the point. But in this situation it's too much to ask for rational thinking or at least I comfort myself saying so.

[JohnAdams]

I think you need someone to talk to after experiencing the trauma of infidelity. A Counselor may be the answer if you can find one.

 

The trouble with confiding with friends is do you really want them to know all the junk going on in your life? Probably not.

 

The good thing about an internet forum like this is you can be anonymous and pour your heart out. On here I am John Adams, in real life I am .....well that is not important. But it can be equally therapeutic to pour your heart out in a place like this.

 

Another trouble with infidelity is, it was a surprise attack. So, you had no time to plan. So, you, probably did not have time to research a good counselor.

 

I know it is strange, but the person I confided in after my wife's infidelity was her mother. She was a great help and probably the main reason we are still married.

Edited February 26, 2015 by JohnAdams

[Jkidding]

and sometimes start telling you their issues. .

 

Funny thing the guy told me couple times and my now ex-wife that he was cheating too and his advice to us was that I can cheat now on my wife so we kinda get even. He said it's not very popular recommendation but helps psychologicaly. I didnt understand how it can help me though :-) and he mentioned he is psychotherapist that means he can write drug prescription... Oh boy if these people can write drug prescriptions....

Edited February 26, 2015 by Jkidding

[toolforgrowth]

I treasured my counseling sessions. I had individual counseling (IC) during my ex wife's affair, our divorce, and even after. I went regularly for a year and a half.

 

Best decision I ever made.

 

He helped me cope with what happened, rebuild my self esteem, and look forward to my new life. The lessons I learned are still with me today years later.

 

He was real, he'd say the f-word, and related to me as another man. It was incredible.

 

YMMV, of course.

[Selfish]

As was said just like any proffesions you have the good and the bad. And just like regular people you can hit it off or you can not. Also there are certified counsellors (religeous or otherwise) and then there are psychiatrists. Shrinks are the ones that are doctors specializing in mental health. They have to be a full doctor (md) and then continue studing the mental health of people. And much the same as surgeons and all the other specialists you get the good bad and ugly. Only shrinks can perscribe medecine.

 

Our counsellor was just that not an MD. But because I had attempted suicide I saw a personal shrink. The counsellor was really just a safe enviroment for my husband for a while. He would being of things and ask things he didn't at home. I think because he felt like he had an ally. She did not coddle him or anything and got him searching but she believed the affair was wrong. And she never talked about anything that insinuated he caused my cheating

[Echo74]

The first psychologist I went to mostly sat and listened, after about 3-4 times, I never went back. Didn't feel he helped at all.

 

I'm now seeing a Clinical Psychologist and I really like her. Been about 8 weeks and she's helped me see things more clearly. The why's of both me and hubby. She's slowly helping me restore self worth and self confidence.

 

It definitely depends on the therapist. Makes a BIG difference!

[dichotomy]

Over the course of my life have had 4 therapists.

 

1) At the end of my first marriage, my cheating cold wife and I went to a few sessions with a MC before divorcing. After the second or third session, the therapist could tell my wife was a cold remorseful bitch. She made me leave the room for 20 mins, when I came back in my first wife was in tears, and the therapist said sternly to her "is there something you would like to say to Dichotomy?" my soon to be ex wife said " I am sorry". During the months our marriage unraveled - that was the only time my first wife cried, looked or said "sorry". I am grateful to that therapist for extracting that one moment of humanity from my ex wife.

 

2) After my divorce I spent a year in IC with a MD psychiatrist. He was a kind funny older man. I did not get much from him other than a father type figure - to vent my anger, tears, and fears and hurt. I had several sessions where I had breakdowns. He was very non judgmental and accepting. I used him a bit when issues cropped up in my current second marriage - but because of his "nothing is bad we are all human" view - his advice was not helpful to us or me. I left when he suggested (in IC) I would benefit from seeing an escort while married.I left Not because it was immoral advice but because he did not understand me and why this would not help me.

 

3) A while after dDay and arguing with my current wife about the "wrongness" of her EA and past PA's (before me) - we went to a female church based MC. This therapist got my wife to finally admit she committed adultery, it was wrong, she was unhealthy, and that her OM was worm. I was grateful with this and it helped with the next steps in our marriage. Unfortunately she was not so strong on helping my wife get sexually back into our marriage, saying it was not so important and would "happen" when all was well. I remained in IC with this therapist - because she is very kind and supportive - also helped me deal with some long standing and significant self esteem (you could not imagine) issues and some health battles. This last part was huge to my own self development.

 

4) Last therapist - also a female - was a marriage therapist with specialization in sex therapy. Basically after several months of getting "a handle" on me, my wife and the marriage - she turned to my wife and said "you got an amazing husband, a rare find most women would want. You need to get your old kinky boots back on and take care of him sexually, its important. I dont need to see the both of you anymore - I would like to see you (wife) for a while". She went on (in front of me) discussing how important things like oral sex, frequent sex, and experimentation and passion are in a marriage. In arguments we had in front of this therapist, she often took my side -or looked puzzled at my wifes comments back. I could have kissed that female therapist. When your dealing with the issue of old affairs, or low sex marriage, your spouse can get you twisted around, thinking maybe its your fault or your deficient in some way to cause it. This therapist help me get out of that self blame game. Also there was some minor/modest on going improvement in our sex life after this, but only modest because my wife stopped going. Still it was worth it and I benefited.

Edited February 26, 2015 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

We've been to two different counselors over the years and both were beneficial.

 

MC did not "cure" any of our issues and it make anything sunshine and roses.

 

What it did do was help peel back the layers and helped both of us see what each of our 'blind spots' were and helped us hear and better interpret what the other was trying to say that was going over the others head.

 

The counselor helped me realize that I was actually the one that was dissatisfied and fix' n to leave the marriage. Prior to that ah hah moment, I thought it was she that had all the complaints and was planning her departure. Although he didn't use the term "responsive desire" as it is used here in the atmosphere, he did explain that concept to me.

 

And another breakthrough moment was when he figuratively got in my wife's face and got her to realize that my complaints were valid and that I did have a reasonable and realistic divorce and post-divorce plan in place and that she could either take it seriously and do something about it or she could keep doing what she was doing and be a divorced middle aged woman with young children.

 

Counseling did not change our core personalities did not make our inconsistencies go away. But it did reveal things that we weren't seeing. It gave us tools to help us work on things and put effort into what would be the most effective, but that hinged on the fact we both wanted to save the marriage and were both willing to put in the effort.

 

Counseling will not change someone from being an A-hole into being a good person, but it may show them how their actions are harming the marriage and it will then but up to them to put in the effort.

[oldshirt]

Oh, and since this thread is in the infidelity section, I did need to add the disclaimer that our issues were not related to infidelity at all.

 

At this point in our marriage, I do not know if all the counseling in the world or all the kings horses and all the kings men could save our marriage after that.

 

Counseling can only do so much and it may not be enough to fix things if the damage is too much.

 

Even the world's greatest brain surgeon wouldn't be able to save someone shot in the brainstem even if they were shot while the victim was already in the OR under anesthesia with the whole surgery team ready to dig in.

 

Sometimes damage done in an instant is irreparable.

[badkarma2013]

Posted by oldshirt:Counseling can only do so much and it may not be enough to fix things if the damage is too much.

 

Even the world's greatest brain surgeon wouldn't be able to save someone shot in the brainstem even if they were shot while the victim was already in the OR under anesthesia with the whole surgery team ready to dig in.

 

Sometimes damage done in an instant is irreparable.

 

*****************************************************************

 

Well said...I went to I/C to assist me with the anger and pain issues I had after D-DAY...They have experiance with infidelity and understand the sex part of the Affair and how much it damages BHs....So that and with the help of several posters here..Mrs. Adams,Fellini and the verybrokenman..I have begin to understand at least the (What) part of her Affair and am beginning to grasp the WHY...

 

But as i have said many times"Some wounds never heal and Some hurts can never be forgiven or forgotten".......Badkarma

[TrustedthenBusted]

We ultimately tried three different people. The first was this really goofy bastard, so my wife suggested we go to someone else.

 

The next one was a woman who used up the entirety of each hour explaining to me that I was angry. Didn't know they handed out degrees for Spotting the Obvious. I left, but my wife continued with this one in IC and I think it helped.

 

The third was a MC again, and I don't know why we went as many times as we did. The only bright spots in this one was that by this time, I had become an expert on the subject, and occasionally the therapist would spout a line from a book I had already forced WW to read. We decided we can communicate better at home, than in the sessions - so I guess in that way, it was helpful.

 

What's really interesting is that the goofy bastard was on the right track. Day One, within the first 3 minutes he told her. " Listen...you just created hell. You need to tell him the absolute truth, starting here. starting now, now matter how bad it is... or else this is going to be the hardest 10 years of your life."

 

Then he had us fill out one of those surveys where you rate aspects of your marriage. Seemed cheesy, but actually cut right to the core of our problems and brought them front and center.

 

Funny, he was a guy, and just had such a practical way of dealing with infidelity. the other two wanted to talk and talk and talk until WW could justify blaming it all on her father. lol.

[carhill]

 

Counseling can only do so much and it may not be enough to fix things if the damage is too much.

 

Even the world's greatest brain surgeon wouldn't be able to save someone shot in the brainstem even if they were shot while the victim was already in the OR under anesthesia with the whole surgery team ready to dig in.

 

Sometimes damage done in an instant is irreparable.

 

 

IMO, that's a very important point, pertinent to expectations. Marriage counseling isn't some miracle fix, rather a venue to receive assistance in whatever aspects of the marriage the couple wishes to address. In our case, it was mainly to assist in communication and clarification of our marital issues, not to 'fix' anything. Repair, if, when, how or why or not, was up to us. The psychologist had a toolbox to help with whatever we directed him to help with, along with his experience in working in the milieu over his 30+ year career.

 

Hence, compared to some stories I've heard and read, he was less passive and more assertive than some therapists and was consistently questioning our motives to continue, asking open ended questions like 'why?' and listening and then processing that information to an arbitrary end point where he stated he felt we had enough information and insight to make a healthy decision about the direction of our marriage.

[WhiteOrchid]

After the affair, we went to two different marriage counselors. Honestly, it just made things worse - we would get out of the sessions and have horrible fights and we would feel like we were dealing with a setback after every session. It is hard to find a counselor who really knows how to deal with infidelity.

 

I did a lot of research on my own and read a lot of books. The information and techniques I learned from that is what got us through to where we are today (almost two years successful R).

[Lion Heart]

I'm leaving to see our MC & IC in a minute.

 

I've made a list (yeah huge list maker me) of all the things I see her NOT dealing with in IC with WH (which she said she would) and in MC. She's a clinic psychologist and psychiatrist with 40+yrs "experience". BUT and it's a big but, she's never experienced infidelity in her marriage as the Betrayed Spouse.

Major problem there for us IMO. She charges almost $200 / hr.

She is the "best" in the area.

 

In NSW Australia where I live, if you see your GP /Dr and tell them you've experienced infidelity in your marriage and you need counselling, the Dr can do a sort of impact test then give a health care plan. The Government covers alot of the cost.

At least SOME ONE recognized this as a major issue and got that bill passed!

 

I'll let you know how I went.

 

Lion Heart.

[flowergirl14]

First we went to a mc. Worst experience that probably greatly effected us today. First meeting the counselor said " I believe him when he said he never had sexual relations with the ow." I mean wtf there were emails talking about them getting together. Everyone on this forum know minimizing amd denying is in the cheater handbook. Note**He never has fully admitted to getting it on with her. The next was a ic, she told me what I didn't want to hear at the time...she said "he's a loser, get your ducks in a row and leave." I didn't want to hear that at the time. I was fully into R. She also seemed like she liked the "drama" aspect of my situation. I saw that and ran to the Third Ic who was a psychologist. She did a lot of notetaking and shaking her head. I needed more feedback. Lastly, we went to a male mc. This guy although nice was all over the place. He'd give us "homework" and then the next week he'd never eben bring it up again. It was like topic to topic without any resolution on anything. I feel like if you see a mc they better have experienced infidelity themselves.

[drifter777]

In my experience people expect a therapist to magically solve problems for them. I thought this too and was disappointed with counseling of any kind - IC or MC all sucked. I really needed some help so I stuck with IC for a long time. I learned that I had to do the work necessary to resolve my problems. A counselor is like a guide and can nudge you back on the path to recovery, but he can't choose your path.

 

It's all about expectations. I think of it in the same way I think about losing weight. A magic pill or diet is a fantasy cure for obesity while dedication and strong will are what is required to lose weight. When you get into therapy you're going to have to work for positive results.

[Arieswoman]

I'd just like to add that a therapist/counsellor is a catalyst not a cure. You have to put something in to get something out.

 

I sought i/c to deal with self-esteem issues and baggage I was dragging around due to a poor relationship with my mother. I found it very helpful and it put a lot of things into perspective. (this was after I was divorced)