Boundaries; Lessons Learned...but (Updated)

[Rainbowlove]

I had an affair with a co-worker. It's been over for almost 16 months.

 

Before my affair, I had never even heard of a EA until I was already knee deep in it. I missed all the signs. I disregarded boundaries. I crossed all kinds of lines, pretending just to be friends.

 

Lessons learned.

 

Here's the questions, though.

 

Don't laugh. I know there's a thing called Gaydar where gay people pick up on the gay vibe.

 

Is there a radar for WS's? Like a sensing that someone is vulnerable to have an affair or lacking boundaries? Like we are wearing an invisible Scarlet Letter for other waywards to see?

 

I've noticed a woman I work with. I've also noticed her noticing me. I'm getting the same feelings in terms of connection and interest.

 

Here's the difference, I am ignoring this woman like the plague. My walls and boundaries are up. I stay away from her. I don't engage in chit chat.

 

I have kept my distance from her to the point where she has said..."You don't even know my name or even like me".

 

Today, I found out she's leaving our place of employment. So I decided to talk to her and wish her well. In a 10 min conversation, she told me she thought about leaving her husband all last year and how hard marriage is...this intimate sharing blew me away.

 

I would never get pulled back into an affair, but I see how these patterns and behaviors persist if one hasn't made the connection from affair to lack of personal boundaries etc.

 

Do you think there is a type of radar for wayward spouses?

[Selfish]

I had an affair with a co-worker. It's been over for almost 16 months.

 

Before my affair, I had never even heard of a EA until I was already knee deep in it. I missed all the signs. I disregarded boundaries. I crossed all kinds of lines, pretending just to be friends.

 

Lessons learned.

 

Here's the questions, though.

 

Don't laugh. I know there's a thing called Gaydar where gay people pick up on the gay vibe.

 

Is there a radar for WS's? Like a sensing that someone is vulnerable to have an affair or lacking boundaries? Like we are wearing an invisible Scarlet Letter for other waywards to see?

 

I've noticed a woman I work with. I've also noticed her noticing me. I'm getting the same feelings in terms of connection and interest.

 

Here's the difference, I am ignoring this woman like the plague. My walls and boundaries are up. I stay away from her. I don't engage in chit chat.

 

I have kept my distance from her to the point where she has said..."You don't even know my name or even like me".

 

Today, I found out she's leaving our place of employment. So I decided to talk to her and wish her well. In a 10 min conversation, she told me she thought about leaving her husband all last year and how hard marriage is...this intimate sharing blew me away.

 

I would never get pulled back into an affair, but I see how these patterns and behaviors persist if one hasn't made the connection from affair to lack of personal boundaries etc.

 

Do you think there is a type of radar for wayward spouses?

 

Or she really wants a friend. I have a bi friend. She is closer to me than anyone else as far as her emotions. She had a crush on me at one time but knew it would not be happening so it was no big deal. I can see your difficulty though. Does she know your sexual orientation?

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

Do you think there is a type of radar for wayward spouses?

 

Oh dear God yes.

 

You have it, because you've crossed over yourself.

 

I have it, because I was a BS, and now see life in full technicolor.

 

I can smell a WS like a fart in a phone booth.

[Rainbowlove]

Or she really wants a friend. I have a bi friend. She is closer to me than anyone else as far as her emotions. She had a crush on me at one time but knew it would not be happening so it was no big deal. I can see your difficulty though. Does she know your sexual orientation?

 

Yes, she knows of my orientation. I'm out in every aspect of my life.

 

I do think there's more than friendship here. I'm no longer oblivious to the possibility of women coming out later in life.

 

So no invisibly Scarlet Letter?

 

I know it sounds silly, but you know how alcoholics tend to be attracted to and gravitate to other alcoholics.

 

I'm wondering if it's the same with WS?

 

Her eager sharing of thoughts regarding her troubled marriage raised some flags.

[Rainbowlove]

Oh dear God yes.

 

You have it, because you've crossed over yourself.

 

I have it, because I was a BS, and now see life in full technicolor.

 

I can smell a WS like a fart in a phone booth.

 

That's what I think.

 

Maybe it's just heightened awareness and signs to notice.

 

I guess I'm glad for the awareness.

[JohnAdams]

Is there a radar for WS's? Like a sensing that someone is vulnerable to have an affair or lacking boundaries? Like we are wearing an invisible Scarlet Letter for other waywards to see?

 

To a degree, I think there is a radar on people vulnerable for an affair. I do not think everyone picks up on the signals. However, someone experienced in capitalizing on this vulnerability can certainly score. I think this applies to both women and men players who enjoy the game and strictly go in for the kill.

[HereNorThere]

Being single and dating for a number of years in my 30s, yes, it's usually pretty obvious, but there are different types -

 

Some are attention seekers who flirt with everyone, some are naive and think it's possible for two people who are attracted to each other to be close friends without crossing the line, some are predators looking for prey.

 

It's pretty easy to tell, but the biggest indicator to me has always been poor boundaries. If you see someone doing something they wouldn't do in front of their spouse (flirt, text, inappropriate conversation topics, talking about their spouse) they're usually game.

[Selfish]

Yes, she knows of my orientation. I'm out in every aspect of my life.

 

I do think there's more than friendship here. I'm no longer oblivious to the possibility of women coming out later in life.

 

So no invisibly Scarlet Letter?

 

I know it sounds silly, but you know how alcoholics tend to be attracted to and gravitate to other alcoholics.

 

I'm wondering if it's the same with WS?

 

Her eager sharing of thoughts regarding her troubled marriage raised some flags.

 

It has nothing with being out. I don't share my personal life with people I work with unless they ask so they wouldn't know my sexual orientation. I have no idea if half the people I work with are gay, straight, bi, what have you. Not everyone is "not out" just because they don't tell everyone anything about their personal life.

 

That aside. Could be your radar is up. Could be your paranoa is up. Could be a mix. It could alsonbe totally unrelated and you just have your own inner radar. I knew xMM was interested in me and I had no previous experience with such behaviour before (beside really drunk people hitting on me and being obvious). I just knew.

[Rainbowlove]

It has nothing with being out. I don't share my personal life with people I work with unless they ask so they wouldn't know my sexual orientation. I have no idea if half the people I work with are gay, straight, bi, what have you. Not everyone is "not out" just because they don't tell everyone anything about their personal life.

 

That aside. Could be your radar is up. Could be your paranoa is up. Could be a mix. It could alsonbe totally unrelated and you just have your own inner radar. I knew xMM was interested in me and I had no previous experience with such behaviour before (beside really drunk people hitting on me and being obvious). I just knew.

 

You asked about whether or not I was out. I answered.

 

This isn't about my sexuality.

 

I'm asking if there's an unspoken awareness between wayward's.

 

That's all.

 

I'm not paranoid. I don't care if she likes me or not. It doesn't matter. I noticed something between us, then some over sharing on her part and got me thinking.

[Selfish]

You asked about whether or not I was out. I answered.

 

This isn't about my sexuality.

 

I'm asking if there's an unspoken awareness between wayward's.

 

That's all.

 

I'm not paranoid. I don't care if she likes me or not. It doesn't matter. I noticed something between us, then some over sharing on her part and got me thinking.

No, I asked if SHE knew your sexual orientation. That is not asking if your out. Your married to a woman and had an affair with a woman. You obviously aren't hiding it. because if she did not then I would say she very possibly was just wanting a friend.

 

But if she knows you like women she could be interested.

 

Personally I haven found any unspoken bond between waywards. But people who knew I cheated did do some fishing with me.

[Spectre]

Personally, I would say any couple prior to getting married should go through a "boundaries" class. Where proper boundaries and behaviors for a person who is married are laid out. Mostly common sense things, but a remarkable number of people lack common sense. This way, if the couple disagree's with the type boundary issues, they can clearly make known what THEY feel the boundaries should be. Either way, the end result is nobody can ever play dumb in the relationship and pretend they did something shady merely because they didn't know it crossed a line.

 

Do you think there is a type of radar for wayward spouses?

 

I see it as more of a radar not specifically for wayward spouses, but for any person who might cheat on you. Though there are ways even without radar you can tell. If you are a female and a man you are interested in tells you he only has female friends because he just gets along better with females? Red Alert, Red Alert! The opposite is also true, when a woman tells you she has only guy friends because she gets along with them better..that is a red alert too. Oh also, double triple super mega red alert if they utters any version of the phrase "girls don't like me just because they are jealous". Hoo boy, run away with the speed of Speedy Gonzalez if you are unfortunate enough to find someone who says that. Since then it's not about if they will cheat on you, but rather when they will.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Spectre

[Mal78]

Absolutely, I do believe there is a "radar" for those who are vulnerable to an affair. There are so many signals and cues that make it obvious that each other are prime.

 

That being said, I can see this more in a close-nit work place environment. It seems where majority of affairs transpire. There is something intimate about working on a project or tackling something together. You have one thing in common already, you work at the same place/are in the same profession.

 

You learn personal, real things about those you work with more so than someone you meet at a bar/on-line. You see each other daily and have a routine together. I think for some, because you aren't married to your co-worker and they are essentially at your fingertips one might begin to wonder and fantasize, "what would it be like", "this would be easy to conceal"...ect

 

Grooming might need to take place if one co-worker is more prime than the other. If there is already an undeniable attraction and both are comfortable with each other then it could be easier to escalate things. You have opportunity to tell your co-worker and about your son's Little League and your passionless marriage. What you express is lacking can quickly be fulfilled by said co-worker.

[toolforgrowth]

Being a BS myself, I'd say yes, I am more aware of that.

 

There's a married woman at my work. She's tall, cute, and has a very sexual stride. Her hips swing back and forth very provocatively, and you just know...

 

I've caught her smiling at me and checking me out on a few occasions. Our eyes have briefly locked sometimes too. She accepted a new position at my work that causes us to actually have to interact sometimes now.

 

Yeesh.

 

I'll be bluntly honest: if she wasn't married and I didn't have a GF I'm totally into, we'd be doing the horizontal mambo, like, right now. But since she IS married and I'm happily taken, I keep those walls up big time.

 

She's super sweet and really really nice, but I just can't help get this vibe from her...

 

Yeah. I'm way more aware. It's way more common than I naively thought when I was married.

[Davey L]

My experience is that we detect subtle signs like minor flirting behaviour and the like. I've always had what might be described as poor boundaries; I enjoy female company and a bit of mild flirting and sense when women respond. To that extent then yes I do think that WS's can detect each other.

 

What is frightening is just how many married women flirt back and how many are prepared to take it further. And I'm not even a good looking guy, just an ordinary middle aged bloke.

[BlackHat]

Do you think there is a type of radar for wayward spouses?

 

What happens is that people who cheat are, by definition, willing to take chances, which is close to say that we are adventurous, which is exciting and attracts a certain kind of women.

[Mal78]

What happens is that people who cheat are, by definition, willing to take chances, which is close to say that we are adventurous, which is exciting and attracts a certain kind of women.

 

Interesting, I am definitely the cautious type and take minimal risks. I don't thrive well with the "unknown".

 

I am outgoing and friendly though. I attract all sorts of people to share "their stories" with me. Mostly unsolicited, but apparently I'm very easy to talk too. I couldn't fathom an A, I don't even fantasize it. I have racked my brain to find a actor/musician remotely attractive enough to have a crush on. I think my H is THE sexiest man on earth. Other penises repulses me.

 

My H has been unfaithful. It has been 18 years but he can fantasize about another. I appreciate this, I also think it is normal. That said he is a man of opportunity. He is very outgoing and flirtatious, however he is in a all male profession. He is also one who swim deep in hobbies at home so he never gets opportunities so I'm not insecure at all. However, if he worked in a co-ed environment I'm sure the temptation would be strong and he could be a target based on personality. I probably would be very insecure. I'm not the jealous type but I'm never in scenarios where I could be.

 

I know my attractiveness pales in comparison to his. I've had 5 kids, although I'm fit and work out daily I'm in a profession that requires me to keep maintenance on appearance to a minimum. I also have a skin condition that effects 80% of my body.

 

He easily could attract and be attracted to another.

[Lion Heart]

I had an affair with a co-worker. It's been over for almost 16 months.

 

Before my affair, I had never even heard of a EA until I was already knee deep in it. I missed all the signs. I disregarded boundaries. I crossed all kinds of lines, pretending just to be friends.

 

Lessons learned.

 

Here's the questions, though.

 

Don't laugh. I know there's a thing called Gaydar where gay people pick up on the gay vibe.

 

Is there a radar for WS's? Like a sensing that someone is vulnerable to have an affair or lacking boundaries? Like we are wearing an invisible Scarlet Letter for other waywards to see?

 

I've noticed a woman I work with. I've also noticed her noticing me. I'm getting the same feelings in terms of connection and interest.

 

Here's the difference, I am ignoring this woman like the plague. My walls and boundaries are up. I stay away from her. I don't engage in chit chat.

 

I have kept my distance from her to the point where she has said..."You don't even know my name or even like me".

 

Today, I found out she's leaving our place of employment. So I decided to talk to her and wish her well. In a 10 min conversation, she told me she thought about leaving her husband all last year and how hard marriage is...this intimate sharing blew me away.

 

I would never get pulled back into an affair, but I see how these patterns and behaviors persist if one hasn't made the connection from affair to lack of personal boundaries etc.

 

Do you think there is a type of radar for wayward spouses?

 

Yes I absolutely do. Since D Day I've noticed the very opposite behaviours of my WH to me (I'm the chump - the faithful spouse).

 

Waywards are like sentinels always on the lookout. Looking, peering at others. Noticing in detail others of the sex they're attracted to. There is a wide scanner that fixes on Waywards when any type of contact is made. Even eye contact. My WH does this and because this amongst other behaviours haven't changed, I see no hope for a second chance for his fidelity. Leopards...spots.

 

Being of a faithful nature I see all people as virtually sex-less. One of my exH best friends sat me down one day and had "the talk" with me about his attraction to me. Go* I was so so shocked. I told him that I was SO loyal that I would NEVER in a million years ever be with him. Even I'd been divorced for 20 yrs from H. I thought of him with no penis at all. It was at least 1 hr before he "got it". I told H about the talk and he was happy it was out in the open because he'd known it for years. Errrgh. My present WH has never doubted for a second my faithfulness to him. Shame really.

 

I'm very aware that OMs may consider my "friendliness" as a come on, so now I rarely even smile at members of the opposite sex unless I'm related to them or they are married to my friends and in the company of my girlfriend at the time. If I see these husbands out, without my friends, I may wave and keep walking if they wave first. I ignore them. I don't stop to talk. Seems extreme but I protect myself and honour my friend's marraiges. Loyalty is the character trait.

 

Still it doesn't stop OM hitting on me, even IN FRONT of my H, with absolutely no encouragement or even eye contact. I'm certain that's why he doesn't like going out with me unless he's all over me like the plague. Issues.

My 22yo DD said recently to me "don't you think it's weird that you can't even smile at a man, without him thinking "SEX", coming over and hitting on you?" So it happens to her too. Yes I think it's totally weird. But that's the society we live in.

 

Radar yes but zeroing in on anyone. Catching the WSs.

I'd rather live an honorable life for my own sake and out of respect for all others in relationships. It would be such a safe world for marraiges if all people had the same respect.

 

Lion Heart.