Why do WS's break NC for small talk...??

[Gigigirl]

Why is the WS breaking NC such a big deal if the contact is very limited? I am not asking this question to start anything, I honestly would like people to say why they believe breaking NC to be a deal breaker...also why would a WS break NC considering the damage that is done?

 

I am referring to minor contact...like why risk your marriage just to say Hi, or catch up with small talk. Other questions...Can even the smallest of contact lead back to an EA or PA? is that the BS's fear? I am not talking about WS's who go back to starting up an affair...I am referring more to the ones who understand the affair is over but still chat here and there with the exAP...

 

I can see a woman holding onto the connection or "friendship" aspect once an affair is over but for a WH who is not going to get anymore sex from his OW why continue a "friendship" with her such as small talk?

 

I don't understand why a WS would risk their marriage for very minor contact, I mean go big or go home right? or that a WH would even want to maintain small talk when the possiblity of sex is off the table?

[stillcold]

I don't understand why a WS would risk their marriage for very minor contact, I mean go big or go home right? or that a WH would even want to maintain small talk when the possiblity of sex is off the table?

 

Because they still have feelings for the AP; that is why a WS would break NC to contact the AP. Other than that, there generally is no logical reason to break NC for a small "chit chat" as you said.

[Minnie09]

I think part of it is that they still want to have the forbidden fruit, while at the same time they can explain it away by saying "well it wasn't anything", "I didn't do anything", "it was harmless"........Part of the attraction within an affair situation is surely the secrecy. By maintaining contact, even if it's low contact, they can still have that little bit of a forbidden fruit aka excitement.......also: I'm sure that most married men and cheaters for that matter care about their (former) affair partners. By checking in on them every now and then they can express that they really do or did care, and that it wasn't just a fling.

[Confused48]

They break contact bc they are in withdrawal from the high produced by the A. Even small contact can feel great when you have denied yourself your fix for so long. Small contact keeps the affair fog going. Which is why they do it and why the BS hates it. Even small contact, keeps the A alive.

[HereNorThere]

In the dating world, they call that "probing." Little "how are you doing?" type messages are really just code word for "I've been thinking about you and the sex we had, you game for another round?"

 

Aka - The "booty call"

 

Why would they risk it? They're cheaters, that's what they do, cheat. You really think if they had empathy for their partners they would cheat in the first place?

 

Getting busted and being put on probation doesn't make you any less of a criminal, it just means you got caught.

Edited February 24, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Gigigirl]

They break contact bc they are in withdrawal from the high produced by the A. Even small contact can feel great when you have denied yourself your fix for so long. Small contact keeps the affair fog going. Which is why they do it and why the BS hates it. Even small contact, keeps the A alive.

 

Affair fog? Like an addiction?

[Gigigirl]

In the dating world, they call that "probing." Little "how are you doing?" type messages are really just code word for "I've been thinking about you and the sex we had, you game for another round?"

 

Aka - The "booty call"

 

Why would they risk it? They're cheaters, that's what they do, cheat. You really think if they had empathy for their partners they would cheat in the first place?

 

Getting busted and being put on probation doesn't make you any less of a criminal, it just means you got caught.

 

Wouldn't both parties have to be hip to the code words? What if one party really is just trying to be cordial and have small talk?

[HereNorThere]

Affair fog? Like an addiction?

 

 

It's what cheaters use to justify the poor actions. The intoxicating, crazy-making chemicals and feelings that you have during the beginning of a new relationships. Cheaters have a hard time admitting that they betrayed their own value system and became horrible people, so they like to blame it on these feelings by pretending they were under some sort of magic spell.

 

Funny, because most people figure out this type of thing happens by the time they've finished middle school. No one who is married or has an SO can really deny that they know new love is intoxicating and obsessive.

[HereNorThere]

Wouldn't both parties have to be hip to the code words? What if one party really is just trying to be cordial and have small talk?

 

Yeah, like calling your heroin dealer from rehab to "catch up."

 

I'm sure people talk themselves into rationalizations like that, but that doesn't mean they don't know they are hurting people and taking a huge risk of rekindling those feelings. Truly remorseful people don't tempt fate or put their relationship is jeopardy for small talk.

[Realist3]

Why is the WS breaking NC such a big deal if the contact is very limited? I am not asking this question to start anything, I honestly would like people to say why they believe breaking NC to be a deal breaker...also why would a WS break NC considering the damage that is done?

 

I am referring to minor contact...like why risk your marriage just to say Hi, or catch up with small talk. Other questions...Can even the smallest of contact lead back to an EA or PA? is that the BS's fear? I am not talking about WS's who go back to starting up an affair...I am referring more to the ones who understand the affair is over but still chat here and there with the exAP...

 

I can see a woman holding onto the connection or "friendship" aspect once an affair is over but for a WH who is not going to get anymore sex from his OW why continue a "friendship" with her such as small talk?

 

I don't understand why a WS would risk their marriage for very minor contact, I mean go big or go home right? or that a WH would even want to maintain small talk when the possiblity of sex is off the table?

 

Because most of affair talk... is small talk.

[JohnAdams]

Truly remorseful people don't tempt fate or put their relationship is jeopardy for small talk.

 

I agree. If the WS is truly remorseful, why would they risk it all for small talk.

[Clay]

They are doing it because they know they can get away with it. If your going to stay with them and there are no real consequences to there actions then why not.

 

Its horrible but if you stay with a cheater then you have to deal with these kinds of problems. Some do learn but not enough to make it all worth it.

 

Clay

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah, like calling your heroin dealer from rehab to "catch up."

 

Perfect example. It's not about the content, it's about the risk involved.

 

Most recovered alcoholics don't go into bars even though they serve soft drinks and other non-alcoholic beverages. Their sobriety is too hard-earned to risk. Doesn't your recovery and reconciliation deserve the same consideration ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rainbowlove]

Yeah, like calling your heroin dealer from rehab to "catch up."

 

I'm sure people talk themselves into rationalizations like that, but that doesn't mean they don't know they are hurting people and taking a huge risk of rekindling those feelings. Truly remorseful people don't tempt fate or put their relationship is jeopardy for small talk.

 

Right. WS (myself included) tell ourselves it's because we care about them as people...we just "need" to know they are okay in life.

 

NC is NC in my book. There is nothing in the world my XAP can say to me that would make me break NC.

 

We've had the death of a good friend five months ago- she contacted me, I temporarily fell for it and then "snapped out of it" but I almost got pulled back in.

 

Nothing, not even death, would tempt me back into contact. Why? Because it's disrespectful to my wife, but also because I am stronger without it. I need my strength and sanity above all else. I need to feel good about me more than I need to know my XAP is okay.

 

No contact is more for me at this point in my life.

[purplesorrow]

It was completely my wh's choice for no contact. Had he continued 'small talk' with my knowledge after dday, it would have shown me where his heart was. What kind of small talk could he have with the person that helped him destroy his family?

[Confused48]

Hi Gigi,

 

I'm a BS just so you know. I'm sure Herenorthere will tell you I'm a weak excuse for a human being and am giving WS an easy pass for the A. I don't agree. While I do have compassion for my WS, and all WS, still, my WS has suffered and will continue to suffer very harshly for the A in our lives. As a result of consequences I imposed as well as more natural consequences.

 

That being said, I do think that the effects of being infatuated with another person are somewhat similar to being addicted to drugs. I've had both experiences myself. I will copy below something written by another poster that really spelled out affair fog well, IMHO. Here it is:

Then I would turn to my BF and remember all the amazing things about him and why I ever started dating him in the first place, and I would think to myself/promise myself that I would forget about and get over the OM and be perfectly happy. Then the withdrawal would set in. Those chemicals started dwindling, I started missing the OM, thinking about him all the time, obsessing over him, and because I didn't understand the anatomy and physiology of an affair at the time, I convinced myself that this must mean I loved the OM more than my BF. Of course, when I was away from my BF, I wasn't going into withdrawal because the nature of our relationship was not that of an affair, it was not a drug addiction. This further convinced me that if I didn't miss my BF as much as I missed the OM, then surely I felt more strongly about the OM. So then, next time the OM would contact me, I would jump in like a junkie. I would misconstrue his contact as proof that he actually cared, when really, he was probably going through the same withdrawal and needed his own fix too. This cycle would repeat hundreds of times throughout the affair. The battle between the affair fog/need for the fix, and the logical part of my brain which told me that my BF was the better man, the better choice, the time-tested better fit for me, raged on constantly in my mind throughout the affair. The under-the-influence part of me felt I needed the OM and would do anything to be with him, but on some level, I also knew that if I could just cut the OM out of my life and survive the withdrawal, I would be able to get back to that former loving, fulfilling relationship that I once had with my BF and that I once thought was everything I ever wanted

 

At the time of D-day, I had already been in IC for about 7 months, and I was coming to terms with this realization more and more each day. This, with the help of my therapist, is what led to me writing and sending the NC letter 3 weeks before D-day. When I wrote it, I thought that if only I could cut the OM out of my life completely, I could move on and get back to that happy place with my BF again. Of course, in the 3 weeks following the day I sent the letter, I went through terrible withdrawal, I relapsed and contacted the OM, and when he began saying things like how much he cared for me, how part of him wanted to run away with me, all those chemicals came rushing back, and it felt so good. I got my fix, and I begged him not to cut my supply short, i.e. to be with me for good. When he refused, of course I was upset, I was devastated. Of course I was angry. He had given me so much hope, built up those chemicals so much, and then tore it all away from me. I was so sick of the back and forth, the up and down, the emotional roller coaster. It was mental anguish, emotional torture, and I was inflicting it on myself like a masochist. I knew that I had chosen this, that I was actively participating, and I decided once and for all to stop subjecting myself to it. I knew that the only way to do so was to cut all contact, to go through the withdrawal, and to come out on the other side. I knew the only thing that would prevent me from relapsing was to confess to my BF and to get it all out in the open. Because as long as it was still a secret, I would always hold onto hope that it could work out, that I could have a little taste of my drug when I needed it, and then go back to being normal. Of course that's impossible for any addict.

 

Of course, I know that now that I have made the decision to cheat and have been through the affair, I will always be a cheater and an addict. An alcoholic who is not drinking is still an alcoholic, and should not be around alcohol. It was eye-opening for me to learn that I have such an addictive/obsessive personality, and that I lack impulse control, but now that I recognize it, I can take the steps necessary to avoid going down that slippery slope in the future, including maintaining NC with the OM for as long as I live. I think my guilt and shame will be tremendous tools in helping me to stay clean, and although I want to move on from this stage in my life, I hope I never forget how terrible, how awfully low and abysmal this affair made me feel so that I can always remember to avoid going down the same path in the future.

 

By Paenitentiae

[Gigigirl]

I agree. If the WS is truly remorseful, why would they risk it all for small talk.

 

Yes, this is my question. I would like thoughts and opinions on the "whys".

[Gigigirl]

Perfect example. It's not about the content, it's about the risk involved.

 

Most recovered alcoholics don't go into bars even though they serve soft drinks and other non-alcoholic beverages. Their sobriety is too hard-earned to risk. Doesn't your recovery and reconciliation deserve the same consideration ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That makes sense...but can minor/very limited contact lead back to an EA or PA?

[Rainbowlove]

Yes, this is my question. I would like thoughts and opinions on the "whys".

 

Because they cannot let go.

 

Because they still have feelings for the AP.

 

Because it is like a drug.

 

Because they want to know they are not hated.

 

Because they have guilty feelings.

 

Because they believe there's a special bond.

 

All sorts of messed up reasons...

[Rainbowlove]

That makes sense...but can minor/very limited contact lead back to an EA or PA?

 

YES. YES. YES.

 

It's so easy to slip back into an affair.

 

One must stay NC. Those emotions that led the person to EA or PA or both do not go away if they are in any contact.

 

It's hard to make them go away going NC. Let alone in contact.

[Realist3]

In the dating world, they call that "probing." Little "how are you doing?" type messages are really just code word for "I've been thinking about you and the sex we had, you game for another round?"

 

Aka - The "booty call"

 

Why would they risk it? They're cheaters, that's what they do, cheat. You really think if they had empathy for their partners they would cheat in the first place?

 

Getting busted and being put on probation doesn't make you any less of a criminal, it just means you got caught.

 

I'd be interested to know the reasoning behind this perspective.

Edited February 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JohnAdams]

There is certainly a variety of reasons why they might engage in small talk. I think the primary reason is that they are still not aware of the pain and damage they caused by having an affair. If they were remorseful and realized the damage caused they would never do this.

[HereNorThere]

That makes sense...but can minor/very limited contact lead back to an EA or PA?

 

Very few people call an ex and say "Hey, haven't spoke with you in a while. You up for sex tonight? I could probably spring for dinner as well if you're hungry."

 

It always starts with the probe, always.

[Mr. Lucky]

That makes sense...but can minor/very limited contact lead back to an EA or PA?

 

Didn't the original EA/PA start with minor/very limited contact?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sub]

I think part of it can be spite, towards the BS. If they were friends before the A, I think some WS's don't want to feel like their BS can tell them who to be friends with.