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Entrepreneurjim

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Entrepreneurjim

As the subject gives away from the beginning, I know what I'm about to share is morally wrong. First the ultimate dilemma I am facing, and then some history so you can build the picture.

 

I keep finding myself thinking about having an affair, however the only thing stopping me is my self esteem and courage. My self esteem because I am overweight and courage not because I am scared to commit adultery. Courage because I am not confident with women. I've looked at plenty of fish and want to register but I would want any potential person to see my real picture and accept me for who I am. So people I know seeing the real me on there and other sites is holding me back. I don't want to hurt my wife and my/her family. I also do still love my wife immensely and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Bullet point history. Keep it short!

 

* I am 31 wife is 30.

* met at school when we were 15 and 16

* first sexual and only sexual partners in life.

* had a baby at 17 and 18.

* struggled through life financially but now things are steady.

* got married 3 and a half years ago.

* we both love each other so much and I couldn't see her in anyone else's arms but mine.

* sex drive of my wife is still very high and we always have great sex but this for my part is short lived. I'm only really ok heat for about a week after her monthlys.

*we very rarely argue and when we do it's petty and nothing serious.

*i work from home in my business full time and she is a housewife.

 

Going back to the beggining of my post. Why do I feel this way and will I ever act on this feeling. Speaking to her about this is totally out of the question. She is mentally unstable about her looks and appearance and whether i still fancy her (which I do) and we would never get past this I dont think.

 

Thanks

J

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I strongly suggest you both start individual counselling, and then perhaps consider couple's counselling also.

 

Lots of issues here that will fester and escalate if you both don't address them. Professional help is the best course of action in my opinion, and I suggest you do this for the sake of not only yourselves, but your family, and before it's too late.

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Having an affair is not going to solve your problems with your wife. It will make things worse. I also strongly suggest marriage counseling. Or have you sat down and told your wife that you feel unhappy and think about having an affair?

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I would start an exercise program instead of an affair. It'll boost your self esteem without risking your marriage. It might inspire your wife to do the same and then she'd feel better about her looks and you'd both get along more.

 

I recommend looking at P90 if you haven't already. There are great stories of couples who do it together after one starts.

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As the subject gives away from the beginning, I know what I'm about to share is morally wrong. First the ultimate dilemma I am facing, and then some history so you can build the picture.

 

I keep finding myself thinking about having an affair, however the only thing stopping me is my self esteem and courage. My self esteem because I am overweight and courage not because I am scared to commit adultery. Courage because I am not confident with women. I've looked at plenty of fish and want to register but I would want any potential person to see my real picture and accept me for who I am. So people I know seeing the real me on there and other sites is holding me back. I don't want to hurt my wife and my/her family. I also do still love my wife immensely and want to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Bullet point history. Keep it short!

 

* I am 31 wife is 30.

* met at school when we were 15 and 16

* first sexual and only sexual partners in life.

* had a baby at 17 and 18.

* struggled through life financially but now things are steady.

* got married 3 and a half years ago.

* we both love each other so much and I couldn't see her in anyone else's arms but mine.

* sex drive of my wife is still very high and we always have great sex but this for my part is short lived. I'm only really ok heat for about a week after her monthlys.

*we very rarely argue and when we do it's petty and nothing serious.

*i work from home in my business full time and she is a housewife.

 

Going back to the beggining of my post. Why do I feel this way and will I ever act on this feeling. Speaking to her about this is totally out of the question. She is mentally unstable about her looks and appearance and whether i still fancy her (which I do) and we would never get past this I dont think.

 

Thanks

J

 

Please don't do this because you will absolutely destroy your wife in ways you could never have imagined. I wanted to die when I found our. Five years later, we are happily reconciled, but it took a lot of therapy for us both. He broke me, and that is what you will do to your wife.

 

You still have a chance to stop this. Here is an article that sums up the BS'S world after infidelity. It is from surviving infidelity.com

 

"

The Healing Library

Infidelity Through the Tear Stained Eyes of The Betrayed

To a Former Cheater,

Infidelity changes who you are forever. It robs you of your past, it makes your present excruciatingly unbearable and it makes your future look hopeless. It strips you of your self esteem and your self worth. It leaves you naked, vulnerable, and alone.

 

Infidelity is truly Hell on Earth. Your mind is tormented every second of every day with the images and the movies that it conjures up. You can't get it too stop. The only respite that you have is sleep and even then, there are times when you have dreams about it and wake up crying.

 

You spend each day just trying to survive. Sometimes the pain is so intense that you pray for death...

 

You feel lost. You feel unanchored. You feel alone.

 

So many questions...so many secrets...so many lies...

 

What is real? What is fake?

 

If you think that what I have written is an overdramatization of infidelity, then you have a long way to go. You do not have an understanding of what you have done to your spouse. You have no empathy or compassion. You are still being selfish and thinking only of yourself.

 

If you truly are remorseful, then you will weep for what you have done to your spouse...the one that you promised to love, honor, and cherish. You will put your own feelings aside and do whatever, and I mean whatever, it takes to try and make her whole again.

 

Cheating is wrong. YOU were wrong. There is no way to explain what you did or justify what you did. It was wrong. It matters not what was happening in your marriage...it is irrelavent. Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies cheating...ever.

 

You took a sledgehammer to your spouse's knee and smashed it to bits. You cannot tell her to get up and walk and then get angry because she can't. If you do this, then it is like taking another sledgehammer and smashing her other knee and expecting her to walk. You cannot leave her lying there. You must help her. You must be gentle and caring and help her until she heals. She is in pain and may lash out at you, but you must remember...you and you alone did this to her.

 

You have the power to help heal your spouse. You have the power to have the best marriage that you ever dreamed of. You have the power to have the most wonderful and fulfilling sex life with your wife. You have the power within yourself. Will you use this power? Do you want to know how?

 

Your spouse has offered you a gift...the gift of reconcilliation. Are you willing to accept that gift?

 

What you were searching for outside of your marriage cannot be found there. What you were searching for was right under your own nose in your own home. The time and energy you spent on someone else, should have been spent at home. Love grows where it is nourished and dies where it is not.

 

What you found was a fantasy. It was not real. It was a mirage. It was a sad imitation of life. There is no happines to be found out there, only misery, pain and destruction of others.

 

I want to tell you that there is hope for you and your spouse and your marriage. My H and I have been reconciled for 3 years and we have a wonderful marriage now. We stay connected on every level now...mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

 

My H continues to help me and be patient with me. He has shown me a Christ-like love during these last 3 years. He has regained my trust and has earned my respect for the man he has become.

 

I could not have come this far in my healing without his help and the help of our therapist. I was close to suicide in the beginning.

 

It is imperative that you tell your spouse the truth and the whole truth about whatever she asks. You are to hold nothing back that she wants to know. It is painful. It hurts like Hell, but the truth is the only way to heal. You are not sparing her feelings by sparing the truth. You wound her more and increase her pain by keeping the secrets.

 

She will never heal without the truth. There can be no lies from this day forward. Healing does not begin until the truth has all come out. When bits of truth come out in drips and drops, then the healing never progresses.

 

Healing includes regression as well as progression. Your spouse will be angry at you and she will show it. Please remember that you deserve her anger. You did this to her.

 

A great therapist will tell you that it takes at least 2 years to heal from infidelity and this only applies if the WS is working his butt off to help the BS. Healing doesn't just happen...it is a goal that must be worked for. I still have triggers,but they are easier to manage. My H and I work together to help get through these triggers.

 

Healing is a journey that you take with your spouse . There will be many bumps in the road, but together you can get past them.

 

You can become man...a real man...if you make that choice. It is all about choices. Will you be a man that can be respected by yourself and others or will you give up on your spouse and yourself and leave her lying in the road helpless with both knees smashed? The choice is yours, which will you choose. Remember, you have the power.

 

Erica

Return to The Healing Library Articles"

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Divorce your wife and screw any woman you like.

This attitude is the problem with marriages today. Instead of trying to fix the problem lets just jump to divorce and put the child in a broken home. He has not had an affair. He's only thinking about it. I think it's natural (especially) for a person who hasn't had a lot of experience to wonder what it would be like to be sexual with another. IMO, the OP's marriage and situation can be fixed without resorting to an affair or divorce. Him coming here and asking for advice is courageous and a good first step.

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I cannot believe how many posters on here have limited sexual experience with other partners and consider cheating or cheat. I guess I always thought having less sexual experience would make you more loyal.

 

Let me tell you OP, the grass is not always greener. Sex is not worth completely destroying your life. It's not worth hurting people you love. Lol, it's barely worth staying up late.

 

Take time to read other poster's stories of regret. People who threw away the love of their life for a little side action and will spend the rest of the life feeling guilty. Think about another man having his way with your wife and how it would make you feel. Think about the graphic details, the things she only shares with you. If you get caught cheating, chances are she'll leave you or have a revenge affair herself. There's a ton of men who would love to take advantage of that high sex drive of hers.

 

Sex is just sex. No matter how attractive someone is, there's always someone out there that's a little bored having sex with them. The novelty always wears off.

 

Also, lay off the porn. Oh, you thought I didn't know? There's no way any woman can compare to the millions of women you have access to. It's a fantasy, it isn't real and it can totally distract you from the amazing REAL sex you're having.

Edited by HereNorThere
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Entrpreneurjim,

Having an affair to solve marital issues is about as much good as fire-bombing your house because the kitchen tap/faucet's leaking.

 

Please, please talk to your wife about this and get yourself into some counselling before you do anything else that will probably blow this marriage to $hi£r@g$.

 

Good luck.

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I cannot believe how many posters on here have limited sexual experience with other partners and consider cheating or cheat. I guess I always thought having less sexual experience would make you more loyal.

 

Let me tell you OP, the grass is not always greener. Sex is not worth completely destroying your life. It's not worth hurting people you love. Lol, it's barely worth staying up late.

 

Take time to read other poster's stories of regret. People who threw away the love of their life for a little side action and will spend the rest of the life feeling guilty. Think about another man having his way with you wife and how it would make you feel. Think about the graphic details, the things she only shares with you. If you get caught cheating, chances are she'll leave you or have a revenge affair herself.

 

Sex is just sex. No matter how attractive someone is, there's always someone out there that's a little bored having sex with them. The novelty always wears off.

 

Also, lay off the porn. Oh, you thought I didn't know? There's no way any woman can compare to the millions of women you have access to. It's a fantasy, it isn't real and it can totally distract you from the amazing REAL sex you're having.

I also didn't have a lot of sexual experience before my H. It's crazy but I actually had dreams of having sex with faceless men before I ever had an affair. I became very curious about it to the point that I obsessed about it in my head. Having less sexual experience doesn't mean a person will be more loyal. With that said I strongly regret having an affair. It changed me and not in an honorable way.

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I also didn't have a lot of sexual experience before my H. It's crazy but I actually had dreams of having sex with faceless men before I ever had an affair. I became very curious about it to the point that I obsessed about it in my head. Having less sexual experience doesn't mean a person will be more loyal.

 

Understand the concept but it seems like a very slippery slope. How much experience would be enough before this isn't a factor? And would your number be different than mine?

 

I don't think inexperience is the real issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I can say for myself, having been in multiple relationships for a number of years, at least for me, it makes sex seem way less important than a real relationship with someone who cares about me. Sex is always just a phone call away for most people, but finding some who ADORES you is so much more special, omg.

 

I can see how having less partners can make your mind wonder, but for me personally, I would have rather had a nice, stable, long term relationship like I have now.

 

I get the allure of something new that you have never experienced, but sex really is just sex. 9 times out of 10, the fantasy is so much better than the reality.

 

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking?" - Dave Attell

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"I cannot believe how many posters on here have limited sexual experience with other partners and consider cheating or cheat."

 

It makes sense to me.

 

If you haven't experienced it, eventually you'll wonder what it's like.

 

@op

 

"Why do I feel this way and will I ever act on this feeling"

 

I'm going to give you my honest opinion.

 

Things were difficult at first, but now you're doing good finantially. That's good and all, but with those problems gone now your mind is focusing on other issues. Your personal issues.

 

I think your thoughts about having an affair are, as a whole, a conscious manifestation of the issues you have been repressing since your youth. Now it's the time to confront them, but to do that you will need counseling.

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I'm glad your asking this. I wish I had done a little more dealing. Read some stories of betrayed spouses and the pain they experienced. And ask yourself if you want to inflict that on anyone. Read stories of former wayward spouses and how we would give anything to have chosen not to go down that road.

 

And then reinvest in your marriage through Marriage counselling. Find and read books. Put all the effort you would put into an affair or even a ons into your wife.

 

And if you decide you will cheat. It is better to honestly break your wife's heart and tell her your plans then leading a double life.

 

Affairs are like matches to gasoline in a troubled marriage. Nothing is left unscathed.

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Breaking up a marriage to have different sex is absolutely ridiculous. If someone is that obsessed with sex, they need to see a professional.

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This attitude is the problem with marriages today. Instead of trying to fix the problem lets just jump to divorce and put the child in a broken home. He has not had an affair. He's only thinking about it. I think it's natural (especially) for a person who hasn't had a lot of experience to wonder what it would be like to be sexual with another. IMO, the OP's marriage and situation can be fixed without resorting to an affair or divorce. Him coming here and asking for advice is courageous and a good first step.

 

We can't say how sincere OP is out of just 1 post. If he had the opportunity right now he'd be off and get into an affair. Why not divorce and spare another individual the pain? 'Fixing a problem' is done between husband and wife, not husband and random women. This is just wrecking, not fixing.

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We can't say how sincere OP is out of just 1 post. If he had the opportunity right now he'd be off and get into an affair. Why not divorce and spare another individual the pain? 'Fixing a problem' is done between husband and wife, not husband and random women. This is just wrecking, not fixing.

We also don't know if he would really go through with having an A. Cheating isn't as easy as people would like to think. You have to work yourself up to it and justify the hell out it in your head. He came here asking advice when he could have gone to a cheater's forum instead. To me, it doesn't sound like he's rushing to have an A. It sounds more like thoughts. Don't get me wrong, having thoughts of being with others will make it easier if the opportunity arises. That's why I want to encourage him to make healthy choices. Divorce should always be a last resort. Otherwise, what's the point in getting married in the first place.

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I keep finding myself thinking about having an affair, however the only thing stopping me is my self esteem and courage.

 

I don't think you will be having an affair. Thinking about it is one thing, doing it is another.

 

I have never heard anyone use the word courage and affair in the same sentence, but I guess it is true, not necessarily in a good way.

 

Without those two things you mentioned it will never happen.

 

You need to look at your motives, and figure out the best way to address those issues behind your thoughts. Having an affair is in no way going to help, only make it worse.

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"I would want any potential person to see my real picture and accept me for who I am."

 

Sounds like you might already have that at home. Why screw it up?

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I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, and I think I can understand what you are saying.

 

The thing is that you have kids now, and whatever action you choose/don't choose affects them. you say your marraige is pretty good, you love your wife and don't wnat to lose her, and that you have a fairly decent sex life with her. Look at your kids, and ask yourself if the reason you feel this desire to sleep with another woman is worth hurting them for?

 

I honestly wonder if this is really all about sex anyway. It sounds more like you feel bad about yourself, and are, in effect, attempting to self medicate by having an affair.

 

This would be such as mistake, and once you do it, you can't ever take it back. Even if your wife never knows, you'l know, and that will change you in many ways that you may not like.

 

If you hare having issues with your wife, then by all means sit down with her and talk to her, even if what you ae saying hurts her it will hurt far less hurtful than having an affair will. If that doesn't help, try some therapy.

 

it also sounds as if you two have a young family, and may not have that much "alone " time. I know it may sound trite, but is there any way that you two could find someone to watch your kids for a few days while you enjoy some time away together and sort of "reset your maraige' on a more adult basis. Be husabnd and wife, not just mom and dad, even if just for a little while?

.

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