Did I ultimately ruin the marriage?

[stopdreaming]

I just filed for divorce from my husband. We have been married for 6 years and have a 4.5 incredible son. For the past three years my husband has lied to me. It started a year before my son was born. He lied to me about everything from our finances to his work situation to paying our car insurance where in fact it was not paid and our licenses were suspended and our car registration revoked for 6 months. He made up fake receipts, wrote checks from my checkbook without my knowledge, lied about seeing a therapist, going to work, taking care of household duties, etc. He ultimately destroyed his business by betraying his partner with lies upon lies, colleagues and even friends. his partner, friends and colleagues would ultimately come to me for assistance with getting through to him. I was mortified and destroyed. He was out of work for 2 years and lied about finding a job while I worked my ass off to support our family. He is now working at coffee shop and we have been separated 5 months ago. We have not been intimate for well over year. I knew it was over between us a year ago and just couldn't quite get the confidence to really end it. I had hope. I had dreams. I had love for him and compassion and sadness. I still love him. I feel out of love with him but was still so in love with us! he betrayed me, I lost trust in him and respect. He wasn't taking care of himself nor his family. Lies upon lies. excuses upon excuses. He was depressed. BUT he was such an incredible liar that it scared me. I still question if it was/is depression or if it's something way bigger.

 

In any event, I started have a sexual relationship with an older man about three months ago. My husband walked in on us having dinner in my home two weeks ago. We were indeed having dinner but we were also had clearly just been rolling around. It was awful! I was sorry my husband saw that and learned about my relationship like that but I was not sorry it happened.

 

AM I CRAZY TO THINK THIS SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WAS OKAY?

 

I filed for divorce three days after that evening, in fear of him taking my son away. I knew in my heart he would never do that as we are both in full agreement that we are wonderful parents. BUT i was scared and my attorney scared me. I still believe, after the anger has settled, that divorce is truly best for us.

 

He has stated recently that what hurt him most was that he starting to feel like he was coming out of the dark and that he was seeing a great therapist. I can see some change in him but of course I question if it's all a lie or the real truth.

 

He was my love. I still love him. He did some awful things and pushed me to such limits, yet now that the dust has settled I am facing the end to this love for real.

 

Had I not had this relationship, had my husband not find out, and began to communicate to me that he was indeed on a path to recovery could we have made it through to the other side? Or, was he just one day too late?

 

I can take the honesty and criticism if you have something to share. I of course would like to hear the positive comments if they are warranted but I also need to hear the negative too.

 

Thank you

[Rapunzel5]

Nope. He would have kept messing up. I'm almost certain about this. You're not missing out on anything. Enjoy your new romance, I hope he treats you well.

[Chi townD]

Okay, he wasn't husband of the year, but OUCH that had to have hurt. But, I'm having a hard time believing you that you love or loved your husband for the simple fact is that you just got done screwing some guy in the martial home and in the bed that you shared with your husband and you're NOT sorry it happened. Just sorry he saw it.

 

 

I think you're kidding yourself. Just go through the divorce. If he gets his life together as you say he is, then he'll be alright. It may be too late for the two of you, but he's taking steps in the right direction to fix himself.

[stopdreaming]

yes, it hurt him so much. for clarity (or maybe you didn't need it) but we have not lived together for 5 months. thanks for your response.

[Chi townD]

yes, it hurt him so much. for clarity (or maybe you didn't need it) but we have not lived together for 5 months. thanks for your response.

 

 

Not living together for 5 months but you started this sexual relationship with this other guy 3 months ago. That means you started with this guy just 60 days of him being out of the house. This also tells me that you've known this guy long before you started sleeping with him to feel comfortable enough to do it. Why did your husband come by the house that day?

 

 

Regardless, he's never going to get that image out of his head. You just need to see the divorce through and move on. He hurt you, you hurt him. This is too toxic. I only hope he continues to get help and stays in therapy and doesn't do anymore stupid things.

[JS84]

You both just need to divorce. Very toxic marriage.

[stopdreaming]

Not living together for 5 months but you started this sexual relationship with this other guy 3 months ago. That means you started with this guy just 60 days of him being out of the house. This also tells me that you've known this guy long before you started sleeping with him to feel comfortable enough to do it. Why did your husband come by the house that day?

 

 

Regardless, he's never going to get that image out of his head. You just need to see the divorce through and move on. He hurt you, you hurt him. This is too toxic. I only hope he continues to get help and stays in therapy and doesn't do anymore stupid things.

 

I just wanted to be touched. period. i've known this man for about 8 months but never gave it another thought until i was with him one night and openly (for the first time) said that i was separated. It felt good to say it. It felt good to be intimate - I cannot deny it. My husband came home because my son wanted a toy. it was 10PM in the evening and I didn't see the text that he was coming by.

 

I think the thing that bothers me deeply is that i added to this toxicity like you said. I am not a player in the "****" game. I'm disappointed in myself and bothered and feel damaged.

[Chi townD]

I just wanted to be touched. period. i've known this man for about 8 months but never gave it another thought until i was with him one night and openly (for the first time) said that i was separated. It felt good to say it. It felt good to be intimate - I cannot deny it. My husband came home because my son wanted a toy. it was 10PM in the evening and I didn't see the text that he was coming by.

 

I think the thing that bothers me deeply is that i added to this toxicity like you said. I am not a player in the "****" game. I'm disappointed in myself and bothered and feel damaged.

 

 

Okay, now I'm a little confused. You state that it felt good to say you're separated, you started a relationship with another dude. (which is wrong considering you're still married) and you filed for a divorce and you don't seem too remorseful about the situation (and maybe you have a reason to feel that way).

 

 

So, not to sound like an uncaring ass but, why are you here? What are you looking for?

[stopdreaming]

Okay, now I'm a little confused. You state that it felt good to say you're separated, you started a relationship with another dude. (which is wrong considering you're still married) and you filed for a divorce and you don't seem too remorseful about the situation (and maybe you have a reason to feel that way).

 

 

So, not to sound like an uncaring ass but, why are you here? What are you looking for?

 

you don't sound like an uncaring ass in the slightest. you're constructive criticism is appropriate.

 

it felt good to say i was separated because i felt l was finally moving forward. it took me many years to go through with just the separation. i don't feel remorseful about the intimacy i had with this other man, because i needed it. i wanted touch, love, and it felt so good. so that was and IS my reason.

 

I wrote this to my husband the other night:

 

I was thinking tonight that I will likely never remarry because I already married that one person who truly got me and fell in love with all of me. I knew he loved me but he just couldn't take it all the way through and through. I knew you weren't quite ready for all of this but in the beginning I had patience and looked forward to watching you become whole. I believed!!! I didn't look at it as chancing it rather it enlightened me because you were so enlightened yourself. I know you loved me. I know you still love me and even though you say you did all of this bad stuff because of the love for me, and even though that sounds so wrong, I do believe you. It's really true how when you lose trust in someone you lose everything. Ive never lost my faith or trust in anyone in my whole life and there I was living with a man I loved in whom I did not trust. For so long too. For so long... I'm not sad so much about not finding true love again because I found it and I had it and now I have our son to remind me of it. I'm sad that I'll be on my own and that my life is about to get a lot worse and that is what really really really gets me sad. I feel I failed our son as a parent and that makes me so sad and god damnit I hope that I feel just a bit better in a few months because right now finically I couldn't be in any worse shape, my business is completely messed up, and as much as you feel such sadness and defeat I understand it... I feel it. You were supposed to take care of me, us and YOU. And I was to take care of you, us and ME. But you wouldn't let me because you couldn't find the path. my god I will be damned to let this divorce bring any of us any lower or further into the bedrock than we already are. I feel like this is some wicked awful punishment of some sort. What have we both done to deserve such a life? We were so high and then it all flipped and now here we are both stuck in a place we hate, where the inspiration to grow and flourish is non existent and we have become like them. Like every one else around us on this awful island. I hate it. I hate who I've become and I hate what has happened to us. I hate it and I think it's so so so sad. I don't need to discuss this. You may respond but I feel, right now, in this message that I have openly spoken my darkest and deepest feelings in a way I have never expressed before.

[drifter777]

You should have told him you were going to start seeing/sleeping with other men before you actually did it. Any excuse you could possibly give for not doing that is bullsh*t. But what's done is done and your going to divorce so is it really important which one of you is more to blame?

 

I hope you are able to co-parent effectively with him for your son's sake.

[Chi townD]

Okay, so you're a woman that doesn't have remorse but DOES have a lot of regret. It also feels like that you don't actually want a divorce, but you feel that you can't stay because of the way things were. However, there was something different with him this time.

 

 

He didn't TELL you that he was going to change, he was actually SHOWING you that he was changing. But, you are unsure if those changes are going to be permanent or he's showing what you want to see. You might be afraid that he's going to revert back to his old ways. I mean, I'm not going to lie, the guy sounds like the most irresponsible person on the planet. But, if what he's showing you is true, then you feel that you're going to lose the man you fell in love with. That same guy that got you on that first date.

 

 

If you don't want a divorce, then that's fine. If you WANT the divorce, then that's fine too. But, one thing that you can't do is fix him. He's got to realize the damage he's done and take the steps to rectify them. You can't do that for him. He's burnt a lot of bridges and some of those bridges may never be mended. So, if he is reinventing himself, he may also have to start a new life for himself as well.

 

 

But, even if you did want to work it out, there's no guarantee that he'll want to work with you. I mean, seeing you together with your affair partner isn't something that he can just forget. But, if he did want to work with you, then you would have to commit to it. That means you would have to end it with your affair partner and never speak to him again. It shouldn't be too hard because it seems that you might be fond of him but you don't harbor any true feelings for him.

 

 

But, if you're set on divorcing him, then you need to realize that the best the two of you can hope for is to co-parent civilly as possible. With this divorce you are telling him that you want him out of your life. As strange as this may sound, you are not his friend. I'm pretty sure the two of you didn't marry with an end result is that you two are nothing more than really good friends. And if he is really trying to fix himself, then false hope is really going to screw with his progress.

 

 

So, you have to decide what you want. And if he's fixing himself, that's going to take some time. a LOT of time. Time you may not want to give him. But, if you do, then you need to talk to him. A lot of people are going to come on here and tell you to forget that deadbeat and divorce him. But, I'm kind of pro-marriage myself. But, you have a lot of thinking to do. I mean; that message that you wrote your husband, that sounds like it's the first time you actually spoken to him in a long time. And I mean, REALLY communicated. So, that should give you and idea on how so far out of whack your marriage was.

 

 

IDK, I could be WAY off base, but that's my 2 cents.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Chi townD

[sandylee1]

With your H being such a liar, I would say that he really destroyed the marriage because I would have no trust after all that. What you really should have done was make the rules of the separation clear, very clear.

Whether you were separating for space, or if either of you were free to date during this period would have been important to know.

 

The lies and people he betrayed would be hard for many to get passed, but by getting involved with someone like you did, your H, could try and turn it all on you.

 

I don't think he was the best husband to you and moving on would be best for you both of you. Do you really want to have to wonder if he's lying to you all the time? I can't see that he would have stopped all those lies, he was so good at it.

 

Move on and get divorced. If he improves himself, thats good for him and hopefully he will find happiness too.

 

Be the best parents you can be to your son and find happiness with a more responsible partner.

 

In answer to your question. No I don't think you ultimately ruined the marriage. It was already there with his constant lies.

[dichotomy]

What your husband did - the lies and financial ruin was awful. Not just to you but to your kids. He failed as a husband and a father. I think you were right to move on and I understand the need for physical affection.

 

Someone else asked and I also want to know the answer to - what was your "ground rules" about the separation?. What did you tell him about this, was it "let us separate and see if we can try one last time to fix our marriage" ..... or was it more like "this is over, I need you to get out while we finalize the divorce papers"? This sets the context for your sleeping with older OM.

 

Did you ever take accountability and express wrong doing and regret for bringing a man into YOUR home (its his and yours until a divorce) and sleeping with him? I mean lets be honest sleeping with another in the martial home is among the worst things I can think of. I think this would your first sentence in writing him.

 

While what you did was wrong, it sounds like your husband ended your marriage with his actions - a while ago.

Edited February 20, 2015 by dichotomy

[Lion Heart]

Hi, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

You're doing the right thing by divorcing this man. Being married to a compulsive liar brings unbelievable anguish and confusion. You tried for years, so did his friends but without the necessary help he needs, no one close to this man would remain unscathed. I think you know he probably won't change for anyone let alone himself (which is the person he needs to change for).

 

I'll bring something to the table which may help give you food for thought. In different countries (and individuals) there are different codes of conduct, if you will, about all sorts of things. In Australia where I live, it goes without saying that separation is the step before divorce. Basically when a person is separated they're single. They're free to date or sleep with anyone they choose. We also don't have the same "dating" culture as the US. Here there doesn't need to be the "are we exclusive" talk. You are exclusive from the first date unless you make it quite clear on that 1st date that you're not interested in a 2nd date. No 1st base or 2nd base is discussed. But did you sleep together is at times.

 

This is why me visiting ls is confusing at times. We separate but we are "working on the marriage"?? Doesn't make any sense to me being brought up in this culture. I'm not saying its wrong AT ALL in fact I see merit in this approach. It's just that separated means no ties.

 

I guess that's why I'm shocked that some posters here who I've followed and admire greatly for their input on other threads have said it was wrong of you to sleep with another man in the marital home even though you've been separated for months. Here it would have been fully accepted and possibly encouraged that you move on in any way because you're merely the step before divorce anyway.

 

Which brings me back to your question. My response is a resounding OFCOURSE YOU DIDN'T RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE!

It was over already, that's why you separated, right?

It's obvious by H behaviours over extended periods of time that he did ruin it. You tried to no avail. I'd even say you had false hope when you married H. Had you known his compulsive traits, you may never have married him (like most of us here I might add!).

 

You showed your readiness to move on and begin a new relationship. Good for you. I'd say it would've been more appropriate if you'd been divorced first for everyone's knowing what page you were on. But at the same time I know how hard it is to live with hope and having it smash you in the face time and time again. Esp with love still there.

 

Maybe you feel guilt for the final nail in the coffin of a marriage that seems clearly over?

 

Someone has to hammer that nail. I don't think it makes alot of difference in the long run who hammered it in during separation. It was already over HENCE "separated" being your new title. Not "married".

 

Good luck. Move on. I wouldn't laden exH with any more emotional stuff whatsoever. Your friends will be a shoulder. A counsellor too. Or LS!

 

Just focus on your business, your self and your darling boy. Maybe meeting this man was just what the Dr ordered. Enjoy him too. Ofcourse you want tenderness, touching and a great rumble in the sack! Don't be ashamed to admit it to yourself.

 

IMHO you did the hard yards in your marraige. Get prosperous. Enjoy your life.

 

Lion Heart.

[road]

We have not been intimate for well over year. I knew it was over between us a year ago and just couldn't quite get the confidence to really end it.

 

In any event, I started have a sexual relationship with an older man about three months ago. My husband walked in on us having dinner in my home two weeks ago. We were indeed having dinner but we were also had clearly just been rolling around. It was awful! I was sorry my husband saw that and learned about my relationship like that but I was not sorry it happened.

 

AM I CRAZY TO THINK THIS SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WAS OKAY?

I can see some change in him but of course I question if it's all a lie or the real truth.

 

Your BH can be blamed for the marriage problems.

 

 

Allowing another man into your life will prevent you from appreciating your BH's final efforts.

 

 

However you were still married and decided to justify that it would be ok to cheat on your husband. You put the cart in front of the horse.

Edited February 20, 2015 by road

[Hardgrind]

Here is my opinion and thoughts.

 

 

While you may have been living apart for 5 months, it strikes me as odd that he could just walk in on you while you were with another man. If you were separated in a manner that I would consider separated, both of you would no longer be allowed/expected to just walk into the other's living space without permission and prior warning.

 

 

So here is something to thing about. Did you want him to walk in on you? Did you want him to file for the divorce and hoped this would push him to do so? When he didn't, you finally decided to do so?

 

 

The reason I am asking is that my WW clearly wanted a divorce but was not willing to initiate the process herself. She didn't want to be seen as the bad person. So instead she had an exit affair and piled up the provocations until I finally had enough and initiated the divorce myself. I am wondering if the same dynamic may be in play for you in your marriage.

[stopdreaming]

What your husband did - the lies and financial ruin was awful. Not just to you but to your kids. He failed as a husband and a father. I think you were right to move on and I understand the need for physical affection.

 

Someone else asked and I also want to know the answer to - what was your "ground rules" about the separation?. What did you tell him about this, was it "let us separate and see if we can try one last time to fix our marriage" ..... or was it more like "this is over, I need you to get out while we finalize the divorce papers"? This sets the context for your sleeping with older OM.

 

Did you ever take accountability and express wrong doing and regret for bringing a man into YOUR home (its his and yours until a divorce) and sleeping with him? I mean lets be honest sleeping with another in the martial home is among the worst things I can think of. I think this would your first sentence in writing him.

 

While what you did was wrong, it sounds like your husband ended your marriage with his actions - a while ago.

 

Thank you for your reply. We didn't have ground rules. I did take accountability and expressed intense wrong-doing. I was so wrong and irrational for bringing this man into my house - this i know. My H was showing no progress prior to this incident. I had no idea he decided to see a therapist, something I have literally begged him to do for year. I had no idea that he was feeling like he was coming out on the other side, until this happened. He communicated very little with me. We have been cordial and friendly for the past few months and have spent time as a family all along when the time permitted.

[stopdreaming]

Here is my opinion and thoughts.

 

 

While you may have been living apart for 5 months, it strikes me as odd that he could just walk in on you while you were with another man. If you were separated in a manner that I would consider separated, both of you would no longer be allowed/expected to just walk into the other's living space without permission and prior warning.

 

 

So here is something to thing about. Did you want him to walk in on you? Did you want him to file for the divorce and hoped this would push him to do so? When he didn't, you finally decided to do so?

 

 

The reason I am asking is that my WW clearly wanted a divorce but was not willing to initiate the process herself. She didn't want to be seen as the bad person. So instead she had an exit affair and piled up the provocations until I finally had enough and initiated the divorce myself. I am wondering if the same dynamic may be in play for you in your marriage.

 

i most definitely did not want him to walk in on us but i clearly was not overly concerned that he would find out. In my mind it was over and I was a coward for not handled this properly. I subconsciously had hope - I cannot deny that, but I was living like this for years so i was lying a life that became normal and familiar. He never communicated much with me, just complaints about working in coffee shop and how much he hated his apartment. When I would ask him what he's doing to make his life better, he could never answer me or would say 'I don't feel like talking.'

[stopdreaming]

Okay, so you're a woman that doesn't have remorse but DOES have a lot of regret. It also feels like that you don't actually want a divorce, but you feel that you can't stay because of the way things were. However, there was something different with him this time.

 

 

He didn't TELL you that he was going to change, he was actually SHOWING you that he was changing. But, you are unsure if those changes are going to be permanent or he's showing what you want to see. You might be afraid that he's going to revert back to his old ways. I mean, I'm not going to lie, the guy sounds like the most irresponsible person on the planet. But, if what he's showing you is true, then you feel that you're going to lose the man you fell in love with. That same guy that got you on that first date.

 

 

If you don't want a divorce, then that's fine. If you WANT the divorce, then that's fine too. But, one thing that you can't do is fix him. He's got to realize the damage he's done and take the steps to rectify them. You can't do that for him. He's burnt a lot of bridges and some of those bridges may never be mended. So, if he is reinventing himself, he may also have to start a new life for himself as well.

 

 

But, even if you did want to work it out, there's no guarantee that he'll want to work with you. I mean, seeing you together with your affair partner isn't something that he can just forget. But, if he did want to work with you, then you would have to commit to it. That means you would have to end it with your affair partner and never speak to him again. It shouldn't be too hard because it seems that you might be fond of him but you don't harbor any true feelings for him.

 

 

But, if you're set on divorcing him, then you need to realize that the best the two of you can hope for is to co-parent civilly as possible. With this divorce you are telling him that you want him out of your life. As strange as this may sound, you are not his friend. I'm pretty sure the two of you didn't marry with an end result is that you two are nothing more than really good friends. And if he is really trying to fix himself, then false hope is really going to screw with his progress.

 

 

So, you have to decide what you want. And if he's fixing himself, that's going to take some time. a LOT of time. Time you may not want to give him. But, if you do, then you need to talk to him. A lot of people are going to come on here and tell you to forget that deadbeat and divorce him. But, I'm kind of pro-marriage myself. But, you have a lot of thinking to do. I mean; that message that you wrote your husband, that sounds like it's the first time you actually spoken to him in a long time. And I mean, REALLY communicated. So, that should give you and idea on how so far out of whack your marriage was.

 

 

IDK, I could be WAY off base, but that's my 2 cents.

 

You and your responses have been incredibly helpful and thought provoking for me. You've clearly been through some of your own battles and have risen above with wisdom and hopefully happiness. Thank you for continuously responding to me.

 

 

I'm pro marriage too and if i didn't feel so intensely strong and devoted about it i would have thrown in the towel after the first year. I have not even shared the depths of his lies and what it did to me. it was absolutely, insanely, awful. BUT i had love for him and compassion and belief, and after each lie the belief started to lessen and lessen, yet the love and compassion remained. so strange, but it did. It's that that keeps me in question. I still love him. BUT I had enough and I gave up, without my telling him, all the while he was coming through the dark and feeling better, without him telling me, and we passed one another on the road with our high beams on. It was just too late.

 

What I did was so wrong, I know this. I'm so sorry that that is the image he has of me. I'm so sorry for the thoughts I put into his memory. I am sorry that I did that in our home. For all of this - I am so sorry. Even after all he has done to himself, me and our family I never, ever wanted revenge - only love and health and happiness.

[stopdreaming]

Hi, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

You're doing the right thing by divorcing this man. Being married to a compulsive liar brings unbelievable anguish and confusion. You tried for years, so did his friends but without the necessary help he needs, no one close to this man would remain unscathed. I think you know he probably won't change for anyone let alone himself (which is the person he needs to change for).

 

I'll bring something to the table which may help give you food for thought. In different countries (and individuals) there are different codes of conduct, if you will, about all sorts of things. In Australia where I live, it goes without saying that separation is the step before divorce. Basically when a person is separated they're single. They're free to date or sleep with anyone they choose. We also don't have the same "dating" culture as the US. Here there doesn't need to be the "are we exclusive" talk. You are exclusive from the first date unless you make it quite clear on that 1st date that you're not interested in a 2nd date. No 1st base or 2nd base is discussed. But did you sleep together is at times.

 

This is why me visiting ls is confusing at times. We separate but we are "working on the marriage"?? Doesn't make any sense to me being brought up in this culture. I'm not saying its wrong AT ALL in fact I see merit in this approach. It's just that separated means no ties.

 

I guess that's why I'm shocked that some posters here who I've followed and admire greatly for their input on other threads have said it was wrong of you to sleep with another man in the marital home even though you've been separated for months. Here it would have been fully accepted and possibly encouraged that you move on in any way because you're merely the step before divorce anyway.

 

Which brings me back to your question. My response is a resounding OFCOURSE YOU DIDN'T RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE!

It was over already, that's why you separated, right?

It's obvious by H behaviours over extended periods of time that he did ruin it. You tried to no avail. I'd even say you had false hope when you married H. Had you known his compulsive traits, you may never have married him (like most of us here I might add!).

 

You showed your readiness to move on and begin a new relationship. Good for you. I'd say it would've been more appropriate if you'd been divorced first for everyone's knowing what page you were on. But at the same time I know how hard it is to live with hope and having it smash you in the face time and time again. Esp with love still there.

 

Maybe you feel guilt for the final nail in the coffin of a marriage that seems clearly over?

 

Someone has to hammer that nail. I don't think it makes alot of difference in the long run who hammered it in during separation. It was already over HENCE "separated" being your new title. Not "married".

 

Good luck. Move on. I wouldn't laden exH with any more emotional stuff whatsoever. Your friends will be a shoulder. A counsellor too. Or LS!

 

Just focus on your business, your self and your darling boy. Maybe meeting this man was just what the Dr ordered. Enjoy him too. Ofcourse you want tenderness, touching and a great rumble in the sack! Don't be ashamed to admit it to yourself.

 

IMHO you did the hard yards in your marraige. Get prosperous. Enjoy your life.

 

Lion Heart.

 

thank you for this reply. I do feel guilty about putting the last nail in. I feel so much cult and sadness about my actions. I did do the hard yards, I just wish i continued forward with grace. Thanks again.

[Chi townD]

i most definitely did not want him to walk in on us but i clearly was not overly concerned that he would find out. In my mind it was over and I was a coward for not handled this properly. I subconsciously had hope - I cannot deny that, but I was living like this for years so i was lying a life that became normal and familiar. He never communicated much with me, just complaints about working in coffee shop and how much he hated his apartment. When I would ask him what he's doing to make his life better, he could never answer me or would say 'I don't feel like talking.'

 

 

Hmmm...a couple of benchmarks for severe depression. Makes sense, he screwed everything up and lost it all and hit rock bottom. Now, his wife is cheating on him and filed for divorce.

 

 

Scary situation for him. I would have someone keep an eye on him.

[dichotomy]

Hi, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

 

 

I'll bring something to the table which may help give you food for thought. In different countries (and individuals) there are different codes of conduct, if you will, about all sorts of things. In Australia where I live, it goes without saying that separation is the step before divorce. Basically when a person is separated they're single. They're free to date or sleep with anyone they choose. We also don't have the same "dating" culture as the US. Here there doesn't need to be the "are we exclusive" talk. You are exclusive from the first date unless you make it quite clear on that 1st date that you're not interested in a 2nd date. No 1st base or 2nd base is discussed. But did you sleep together is at times.

 

This is why me visiting ls is confusing at times. We separate but we are "working on the marriage"?? Doesn't make any sense to me being brought up in this culture. I'm not saying its wrong AT ALL in fact I see merit in this approach. It's just that separated means no ties.

.

 

 

While there is no typical in the U.S. , sometimes separations are used as a last ditch effort to save the marriage. A neutral cooling off period to see if both parties can reconcile before divorce. Some states or jurisdictions actually use it as such and require marriage therapy. It rarely works.

 

I know its not Australia, but its kinda close - my WW's OM/MM was a kiwi can convinced her (when she was single) that marital cheating and having mistress was part his culture and ok (like France or Italy I guess? ).

[TrustedthenBusted]

Part of my job involves firing under-performaing Salespeople. I travel around the world to do this in person, because of the nature of what it is we sell.

 

100% of the time ( and I track this stuff ) the Salesperson being let go assures me that after years of non-performance, they were ON THE CUSP of a big turnaround, and if they only had one more quarter we'd see the fruits of all their labor.

 

It's a very sad conversation to witness, especially when you've been on my side of literally hundreds of them. It's always the same.

 

Have you seen " Up In The Air?" That's me.

 

Anyway, your husband was getting fired and he knew it, and if only you gave him a little more time, right?

 

Trust me, you are better off. You may have put the final nail in the coffin, but this is what happens when people "separate." Technically, you broke your wedding vows, but if you've since divorced, then who cares. In the end, you did the right thing. Don't kick your own ass over it.

[stopdreaming]

 

wow, thank you. thank you.

[Chi townD]

Why are you happy about that? For someone to ease your guilt?

 

 

Look, thinking on this for a little bit. You're thinking about yourself and no one else. Have you even considered that your husband may have been suffering from severe depression for years? One thing about people with depression, they're not "go getters" Hell, they can barely get out of bed most of the time and they tend not to take care of things their responsible for and lie about it when asked. Maybe you've never seen it but he could be hitting a hellva lot of benchmarks. Lets take a look

 

 

Lack of motivation.

 

 

Unable to find the energy or the will to take care of things they're suppose to.

 

 

lack of sex drive.

 

 

seems unhappy (to which you probably took as unhappy with you and or the marriage, but they're probably just not happy in general)

 

 

Increase in alcohol intake and possibly dabbling with drugs.

 

 

Not motivated to do things and isolate themselves from others.

 

 

Doesn't find enjoyment in things that they used to enjoy.

 

 

Unable to express their feelings or even tell you why they feel the way they do.

 

 

Close themselves off from others.

 

 

Does any of that sound familiar to you? If it does, then he's probably suffering from severe depression and has been for years.

 

 

Now, here comes the scary part. After he caught you cheating on him. You didn't write that he was trying to beg and plead to work things out, but rather became cordial with you after a period of time. Normally, people would be so pissed off and would remain that way for a long while. He shouldn't want anything to do with you and would only want to communicate with you about your kid and nothing else. But, you said you saw a difference in him. Why? I mean, let look at what he has going on right now.

 

 

He hates his job.

 

 

He hates where he lives.

 

 

He lost his family.

 

 

He lost friendships.

 

 

He lost his home.

 

 

He came home one day and found a man sitting with his wife enjoying a meal at the table he used to sit at after he just got done having sex with his wife in the bed that he used to sleep in. You shown him that he is disposable and easily replaced.

 

 

He has NOTHING positive in his life right now. Now, you can come back at me and say that he does have something positive and that would be his son. But, you've already shown him that he is replaceable as a husband, he probably thinks you probably already have a replacement father figure for him. Someone that probably has better means to provide for his son than he can.

 

 

So, after that day, you stated that you've seen a change in him. Progress and he seems a bit more at ease. Why? I speculate that he finally decided on an exit date and you don't know it. You said that he's seeing a therapist. That might be another lie so you don't worry about him. I mean, given the list of things I just gave you, it isn't beyond the realm of possibility.

 

 

So, keep an eye out. If he drops off your son and he's given him some token or trinket that has sentimental value to him. It could be a picture of them together or even a lucky rabbit foot that he's had since he was a little boy. Then the date is really near. So, if he wasn't lying about the therapist, then you might consider contacting him or her and let them know of your concerns. If he was lying about the therapist, then you need to contact his family members.

 

 

I hope to God I'm wrong on this, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Depression is a mental condition and if he has it, it wasn't his fault.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Chi townD