SunnyCanadian Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Hello, First time posting on this website. Long time lurker though! I have a problem but I don't know if its real or just in my head. By nature I'm suspicious, jealous and insecure. The issue is with my wife or its just me. My wife is a social bug that talks to everybody and about 2 years back she found a family friend on Facebook. He lives in India and we are in Canada. He is also married with children as are we. Anycase, over the course of 2 years my wife chatted with him on Facebook. The gaps between conversations was about 1-2 months, and were nothing more than one liners. My wife, as a child, was taught by the gentlemens mother because she was a respected teacher. That is how they know each other. However, I read the entire thread and was infuriated perhaps for no reason at all and accused my wife of having an affair. Naturally, she started to cry and plead that she did no thing. Later she take a handful of pills and did not wake up for hours. I thought she was going to die. I contacted him on facebook and swore at him for an hour. He did'nt know what was going on. I will give you a sample of what was written between the two. Names are changed. John: Why are you on facebook? Joanne: Just looking for some old friends LOL John: Ok, did you find Rita? (a girl he used to like) Joanne: You are a married man with two girls now, nothing can happen between you and her John: Yeah, I know Joanne: Tell your mother, wife and kids I said hi! John: Yes, tell your hubby I said hi, and please do visit us when you come to india. Give me your number and add me on whatsup. For some reason I think both of them are flirting. And it infuriates me but my wife has repeatedly denied it, promised on God and her children there was nothing in the past, present or future with this guy. But I have a nagging suspicion or its just me being paranoid. There is nothing to indicate she talked to this person outside of the chats. Nothing on her facebook, phone or text message. We have access to each others accounts and phone numbers. No missed calls, or missed time. My wife gets off at work at 5:30 and is home by 6:00pm. When she is late she calls and says I will be about 15 minutes late and will be in my office (she works in a bank as a bank manager) However, she was angry and upset that I decided to unilaterally call this guy and yell at him. She deleted her facebook account and just yesterday took me to Church and swore in front of God, that she had no intention. Now, I find myself checking through everything she has. Obviously, I find nothing and then I get some wild theories in my head. The guy on his part said " I'm sorry if I said anything you found offensive. I will not contact you or anybody else in your family ever again" and he called my "psycho" What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 and he called my "psycho" What do you guys think? Either that or a troll. I'm not quite sure which. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 I think you should examine yourself and your own behaviour. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Wut... did I just read? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnyCanadian Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Well, for what it's worth what I'm saying is all true. However, it goes deeper than that. For about 3 years my wife and I were having problems mostly based on financial issues which escalated into other areas. Bottom line, I felt that I needed sometype of help in paying the mortgage, car, insurance, and all bills. She, coming from a filthy rich family, where she had everything paid for, servants etc..felt like she did not need to contribute anything. During the course of these arguments it escalated with both of us saying nasty things to one another. Stuff that should not be said. It does not help that we had an arranged marriage with practically no time in understanding each other (1 week) Anycase, any help would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I think you need to profusely apologize to your wife, then print this out and find a therapist ASAP. The issue in your marriage is YOU. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Nothing in that text convo screams "cheater" at me. I think you're reading too much into things. I mean, the dude asked her about Rita and YOUR WIFE had to point out the moral compass to him and remind him that he was married with kids. I think you went a little high and too the right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnyCanadian Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Yeah, you guys are right. But I figured if a guy can ask my wife about some girl from the past, he could try something with my wife. I guess that is whats bothering me. The red flag is immediately up when a married man talks to my wife about some other girl. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Please get help. If you were my husband I would not have taken pills. I'd have handed you your suitcase, packed. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Sounds like you are the one with issues. Not your wife or her friend. See a therapist. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Geeze, has she EVER given you a reason to think that she was having an affair. Just chatting with someone, occasionally over two years, does not constitute an affair in my book, and I'm usually opposed to marrieds communicating with anyone of the opposite sex on the internet. I think you're seeing problems where there are none. Better cool it before you drive her away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Your story kind of reminds me of something my ex-husband would do. Notice how I said "ex" husband? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 You sound like a control freak and ironically your attitude would push her to cheat one day if she feels crazy trapped. Your wife did nothing wrong except interact with another man. If that conversation is only what transpired between them counts as cheating, you have some issues. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 You sound like a control freak and ironically your attitude would push her to cheat one day if she feels crazy trapped. Your wife did nothing wrong except interact with another man. If that conversation is only what transpired between them counts as cheating, you have some issues. Amen, brother!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Trufita Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 There is no red flag, at all. I agree with what other users have said, you owe your wife a really big apology, and I also recommend you to go to a therapist. That is not normal behaviour... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I think that you need to get counseling for anger and jealousy issues, to strengthen your marriage. If this goes unchecked, this behavior will cause resentment by your spouse and destroy your relationship. Don't sweep this under the rug, deal with it up front. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnyCanadian Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 Control freak I'm not. I'm too busy working 6-7 days a week. But this issue has just cropped up recently in last couple of months and we have been married for 9 years. A million things are said between husband and wife during the course of a relationship. So those that are suggesting to pack your bags don't truly understand marriage, and probably never will. However, saying that our relationship seems to be much stronger now.Our communication has improved dramatically during the course of the day. And she seems to have gotten over the accusation. I have apologized and not brought it up again. In my culture accusations of infedilty is the worst thing you can say to a women. I crossed that line Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Yeah, you guys are right. But I figured if a guy can ask my wife about some girl from the past, he could try something with my wife. I guess that is whats bothering me. The red flag is immediately up when a married man talks to my wife about some other girl. Of course that totally points to an obvious affair. You give your wife zero credit and/or validation. You are still reeling in this and she has done *everything* to respect your boundaries. He isn't anywhere close to you for you to be threatened by him. You need serious aggressive counciling to look at your anger and jealousy issues. Your wife also needs to see someone about what very well might be abuse she is enduring. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Hello, First time posting on this website. Long time lurker though! I have a problem but I don't know if its real or just in my head. By nature I'm suspicious, jealous and insecure. The issue is with my wife or its just me. My wife is a social bug that talks to everybody and about 2 years back she found a family friend on Facebook. He lives in India and we are in Canada. He is also married with children as are we. Anycase, over the course of 2 years my wife chatted with him on Facebook. The gaps between conversations was about 1-2 months, and were nothing more than one liners. My wife, as a child, was taught by the gentlemens mother because she was a respected teacher. That is how they know each other. However, I read the entire thread and was infuriated perhaps for no reason at all and accused my wife of having an affair. Naturally, she started to cry and plead that she did no thing. Later she take a handful of pills and did not wake up for hours. I thought she was going to die. I contacted him on facebook and swore at him for an hour. He did'nt know what was going on. I will give you a sample of what was written between the two. Names are changed. John: Why are you on facebook? Joanne: Just looking for some old friends LOL John: Ok, did you find Rita? (a girl he used to like) Joanne: You are a married man with two girls now, nothing can happen between you and her John: Yeah, I know Joanne: Tell your mother, wife and kids I said hi! John: Yes, tell your hubby I said hi, and please do visit us when you come to india. Give me your number and add me on whatsup. For some reason I think both of them are flirting. And it infuriates me but my wife has repeatedly denied it, promised on God and her children there was nothing in the past, present or future with this guy. But I have a nagging suspicion or its just me being paranoid. There is nothing to indicate she talked to this person outside of the chats. Nothing on her facebook, phone or text message. We have access to each others accounts and phone numbers. No missed calls, or missed time. My wife gets off at work at 5:30 and is home by 6:00pm. When she is late she calls and says I will be about 15 minutes late and will be in my office (she works in a bank as a bank manager) However, she was angry and upset that I decided to unilaterally call this guy and yell at him. She deleted her facebook account and just yesterday took me to Church and swore in front of God, that she had no intention. Now, I find myself checking through everything she has. Obviously, I find nothing and then I get some wild theories in my head. The guy on his part said " I'm sorry if I said anything you found offensive. I will not contact you or anybody else in your family ever again" and he called my "psycho" What do you guys think? Shocking! Just...........just shocking. That whole conversation was dripping wet with sexual deviant language. OK, I know that sounds stupid but truth be told, you need to help friend. Maybe what you should do is sit back and read some of the real heart breaking threads that have been posted and then compare them with what you just posted and maybe you'll get the idea of what infidelity really is. If I were you I would be letting your wife know how sorry you are and pray to God she forgives you before she takes all she's going to take and she grinds up a bunch of those pills and puts it in your coffee. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Yeah, you guys are right. But I figured if a guy can ask my wife about some girl from the past, he could try something with my wife. I guess that is whats bothering me. The red flag is immediately up when a married man talks to my wife about some other girl. Asking about an old friend and cheating have absolutely no correlation. I have no idea which dark space you pulled that one from, but you need to correct your thinking before you drive a wedge further between you and your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Control freak I'm not. I'm too busy working 6-7 days a week. But this issue has just cropped up recently in last couple of months and we have been married for 9 years. You certainly met every criteria for a control freak in your behavior and complete over-reaction and false accusations to someone you profess to love. A million things are said between husband and wife during the course of a relationship. So those that are suggesting to pack your bags don't truly understand marriage, and probably never will. You think that people here don't understand what marriage is? What is it that you think people "don't truly understand"? YOU are the one who asked for opinions, and now you have them. Now you are suggesting that others here don't truly understand marriage? This sounds like you are just trying to defend your own indefensible actions. However, saying that our relationship seems to be much stronger now.Our communication has improved dramatically during the course of the day. And she seems to have gotten over the accusation. I have apologized and not brought it up again. Don't kid yourself. Your wife hasn't forgotten what you said and did. I endured the same kind of abusive crap from more than one man in my life. You want to brush it under the rug instead of admitting that YOU need help. She won't forget it, especially since you are just dismissing it. You, not your wife. There was nothing in that conversation that you shared which would indicate she was having an affair. In fact, there was a lot to indicate she would never consider it. YOU are the one who has the problem. In my culture accusations of infedilty is the worst thing you can say to a women. I crossed that line Yes, you blew it. Too bad you aren't bending over backwards to make it up to her. An apology, then ignoring it and going on as if nothing happened - not good enough. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunnyCanadian Posted February 20, 2015 Author Share Posted February 20, 2015 I have apologized profusely again and again, re-opened the lines of communication and done some other things to make it up. At this point she said don't worry about and laughed at me for being suspicious. Does a single over reaction constitute a control freak? Probably not. Hope Shimmers, Unfortunately, most of you are 6 time divorcees that change partners like candy. I bet most of you don't even know if your kids are actually yours or belong to the mail man. That truly speaks about the state of your knowledge about marriage. Thanks again for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Control freak I'm not. I'm too busy working 6-7 days a week. But this issue has just cropped up recently in last couple of months and we have been married for 9 years. A million things are said between husband and wife during the course of a relationship. So those that are suggesting to pack your bags don't truly understand marriage, and probably never will. However, saying that our relationship seems to be much stronger now.Our communication has improved dramatically during the course of the day. And she seems to have gotten over the accusation. I have apologized and not brought it up again. In my culture accusations of infedilty is the worst thing you can say to a women. I crossed that line The best thing you could do for your marriage and yourself is to enter into therapy, rather becoming 'infuriated' for absolutely no reason. Your wife did absolutely nothing wrong, and you had a total freak-out. Have a look at yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 I have apologized profusely again and again, re-opened the lines of communication and done some other things to make it up. At this point she said don't worry about and laughed at me for being suspicious. Does a single over reaction constitute a control freak? Probably not. Hope Shimmers, Unfortunately, most of you are 6 time divorcees that change partners like candy. I bet most of you don't even know if your kids are actually yours or belong to the mail man. That truly speaks about the state of your knowledge about marriage. Thanks again for the advice. Then why on earth would you come here for advice? You do need therapy. You're clearly abusive to your wife, and now you're being abusive to a bunch of strangers whose advice you were seeking. If your wife has any sense, you'll have a divorce under your belt in no time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted February 20, 2015 Share Posted February 20, 2015 Does a single over reaction constitute a control freak? Probably not. A single over-reaction of that substance and that nature almost certainly indicates a particular personality trait. Hope Shimmers, Unfortunately, most of you are 6 time divorcees that change partners like candy. I bet most of you don't even know if your kids are actually yours or belong to the mail man. That truly speaks about the state of your knowledge about marriage. No need for me to justify who I am. You just gave everyone here a very good insight as to what kind of person you are. I feel very, very sorry for your wife. I hope she finds the strength and means to escape from this "marriage" to you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
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