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Trouble Forgiving Myself


Paenitentiae

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This is my first time posting on this site, although I have been visiting and looking for advice for quite some time now. I don't know if this is the right forum to post this to, so if it isn't, please let me know. My story is a long one, but I will try to summarize as much as possible. In short, I am a 28 year old female in a LTR for nearly 10 years, and I had a 2 year long affair with a friend who has been in a LTR for 5 years. The affair ended approximately 10 months ago, and while I have confessed to my BF, he has forgiven me, and we are doing well, I am having trouble forgiving myself. It is the worst thing I have ever done in my life, and I never thought I could do something so horrible (a likely story, I know). To provide more background, I have always been very quiet/shy and never dated much; just one person for a short time in high school, and one person very casually for a few months in my first year of college. Just before my second year of college, I met my current BF who I have been with mostly (on and off for a short time) since. I had never questioned my love for him before, and after about 6 years together, we moved in together, were talking about marriage, were shopping for rings. Never did I think I wanted anything else until about a year later when I began having feelings for the OM.

 

I met the OM, a classmate in graduate school, about 3-4 months after moving in with my BF. After the first time we hung out (in a group with our classmates and my BF), we immediately became friends. We had fun together, laughed together, enjoyed each other's company, but for nearly a year, I thought of him as nothing more than a close friend, almost like a brother. I was not attracted to him at first and in fact, found him quite unattractive. However, about a month or so after becoming friends, he began looking at me differently and became very flirtatious and outspoken about his feelings toward me. He began texting me everyday first thing in the morning, he hit on me constantly, even in front of all our classmates, saying how much he was in love with me, that he was obsessed with me, that he couldn't stop thinking about me. He repeatedly told me that I was his "dreamgirl" and that I was the cutest girl he had ever seen, "breathtaking." He constantly asked me when I was going to break up with my boyfriend and constantly said that he would break up with his girlfriend for me. For nearly a year, this occurred day in and day out. I mostly avoided his questions, brushed off his comments, or laughed it all off, thinking he was crazy because I had never seen anyone act this way, and I had NO thoughts about breaking up with my boyfriend, never even considered dating this guy who I wasn't even attracted to. I consistently turned down his advances, telling him I wasn't going to break up with my boyfriend and I constantly told him that he was crazy. Despite this, we remained friends (he was one of my closest friends at school). He constantly gushed over how amazing it was how we became friends so quickly, got along so well, and became so close. I guess even though I didn't realize it at the time, he made me feel special.

 

I should have put a stop to it all right then, but I never imagined it would progress the way it did. As we became closer, his advances became more sexual in nature, asking me about my sexual habits and desires. For months, I ignored these questions, or told him he was being inappropriate, but he always just laughed, and continued the next day. I became annoyed with it all after awhile, especially when our classmates began making "jokes" about how in love with me he was and how he would act around me.

I loved my BF, and I always had. After living together for almost a year, my BF and I began fighting more often. I found myself thinking more and more often about the OM and missing him when he wasn't around. I tried to ignore this, thinking it would go away. When it didn't, I finally admitted to myself that I had feelings for him, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I struggled with this realization for weeks, and began wondering if maybe I had settled for my BF, if maybe I hadn't dated around enough, if maybe I had been too young when we got together. In all my confusion, I ended up pushing my BF away, and eventually convinced myself that I was in love with the OM, or atleast that my feelings for him were something worth exploring.

 

I began making a series of horrible decisions which started one day when the OM invited me over his apartment between classes (which we'd done before as friends and had never been awkward). This particular time, as I was lying on the couch, he crawled behind me and put his arm around me. He began touching my body and I didn't stop him. I began touching him back. It felt awkward, yet my feelings for him were so strong. I put a stop to it when he suggested going upstairs and having sex. I said we needed to stop and shouldn't have done any of it. I even apologized to him when he said "I really wanna kiss you right now," and I said I didn't think that would be a good idea. I felt so guilty afterward. I tried to forget him. He became distant. I continued fighting with my BF and I missed the OM so much that I thought it must mean something if I felt this way about him. I wanted to be with him so much that I believed him enough to actually believe that if I broke up with my BF, he'd want to be with me and would break up with his gf. Eventually, I told my BF we needed to talk and that I wanted to break up. He was heartbroken, didn't understand why. Pleaded with me, and after a tearful night of sobbing and crying, I ultimately decided against it. I still loved him, but I thought I loved the OM too, and I didn't know what to do.

 

I should have broken things off with the OM. I thought we could go back to being friends and everything would be normal. This was a mistake, because the next time he invited me over to his apartment, I stupidly went, and we hooked up again. Physical stuff, but not sex. Over the next two years we hooked up a total of six times, including sex twice. We sexted regularly (to the point of getting each other off), at times, several times a week. The excessive flattery continued, the "I'm obsessed with you, can't stop thinking about you, want you, need you." But this also began an emotional roller coaster, a cycle of hooking up, OM becoming distant, me missing him and being heartbroken but not wanting to contact him because I didn't want to seem desperate or pressure him, him eventually texting me, saying how much he missed me and couldn't stop thinking about me, and how hurt he was that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, me getting hurt again, swearing to myself I'd break it off, never talk to him again. I knew it was wrong and I tried so many times to break it off and just put it behind me. After the first time we had sex, I actually did break up with my BF who was devastated. We remained friends, and then got back together about 9 months later when I realized the OM would never break up with his GF. Part of me wanted to just forget him and fix things with my BF and for everything to go back to normal, but I didn't want to lose OM as a friend either. Part of me also held onto hope that eventually OM would realize he wanted to be with me and break up with his GF. Of course, part of me was scared he wouldn't. I hated this emotional roller coaster, the mixed signals. One day he would tell me he missed me, begging me to visit him, dropping casual "Love U"'s into our conversations, although I doubt he ever meant it in that way. Eventually I began telling him how hurt I was, and how I felt like I was being used. He assured me he wasn't using me, that he really cared about me, but each time I actually asked him to break up with his GF, he avoided the subject. Although he would immediately claim "I'll break up with her" each time I would threaten to break things off between him and me. Each time, I would see a little more effort on his part, he became sweeter, texted me more, telling me how much he cared about me, but eventually that waned, and I felt used again.

 

I was sick of feeling strung along, and at one point I cut contact for a month and a half, the longest we had ever gone without talking. After he contacted me and professed how much he missed me, we of course, became "best friends" again. Shortly after, he told me he broke up with his GF, that he missed me, and then begged me to visit him. I was tired of being let down and of getting hurt. I was skeptical and I told him so. He sent me a screenshot of a conversation between them but only showed me her response (and not what he had said to her), which was suspicious, so I told him I couldn't visit him because I had gotten back together with my BF by then. I assumed if he really wanted to be with me, he would prove to me he meant it. When I tried to talk to him to discuss my feelings, my concerns, my fears that he was just using me, he shut down and refused to talk. A week or so later, he got back together with her/never broke up with her. It took me another three months to finally admit to myself that the only way to move on and to be happy again was to cut off contact completely. I wrote him a NC letter and asked him not to contact me. A week later, he texted me to ask incredulously why I had deleted him on facebook. I said I was sorry and that we couldn't be friends. I was a mess. I missed him so much, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I confessed to my BF I had been having feelings for OM, thinking it would assuage my guilt. Stupidly, two weeks later, I caved and contacted the OM, thinking that maybe we could be friends again. We argued, we confessed our feelings, reminisced about old times, he said he wanted to run away with me and forget everything but he just wasn't "man enough". He broke my heart again. I yelled and told him how much he had hurt me, how he had been stringing me along, how I felt used and discarded, how I wanted to finally be with him if only he would give me the respect I deserved. He accused me of playing with his feelings, he said I was playing the victim, and asked incredulously why he would ever break up with his GF for me. We agreed we shouldn't talk anymore. I broke down. I cried for days. I realized what a huge mistake I had made and how stupid and naive I had been. I just wanted everything to go back to normal and to be happy again. I confessed to my BF what I had been doing. I told him everything. He was amazing and understanding and wanted to work on us. He contacted OM's GF and told her what had been going on. He sent her texts between me and the OM as proof. Gave her his number and said feel free to call if she had any questions. She never called. Last I knew, they were still together and getting married. I've had strict NC with OM since and have been working on things with my BF, which is going well.

 

I'm now happier than I have been in 2 years. I had been clinically depressed since the moment I realized I had feelings for the OM. About one year and 4 months into the affair, I went on medication, I entered IC, and I am continuing with both, which have helped me immensely. I now realize that this is all "Affairs 101," and I can't believe I didn't have the foresight to see that earlier. I now realize OM was like an addiction for which I needed a fix. I'm sure I was the same for him. I realize now what a horrible, despicable thing I did and how I hurt so many people, including my BF, the OM's GF, and probably the OM himself. I am truly sorry for hurting anyone. I don't know what I was thinking, but I was being selfish. I now fully believe that OM was using me as a side piece, with no intention of ever breaking up with his GF. Whether that was his plan the whole time or not, I guess I'll never know. I found out that he has a history of cheating, has cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had. I feel used, manipulated, ashamed, and I couldn't see it at the time even though there were so many red flags that I ignored. The worst part is, I know I have no right to be upset; I made my own stupid decisions and I knew what I was getting myself into. I just held onto hope for so long that he would eventually realize he wanted to be with me and get the nerve to break up with her and make things honest between us. I hoped that everything would just work out. I was naive. My choices and actions were deplorable and I regret it with every bone in my body.

 

I know I am better off without OM in my life, and I would have been from the beginning, but I am still having trouble forgiving myself for what I've done. I wish I could take back all the pain I've caused my BF. I wish it weren't a part of our history. I wish I had never met OM at all. I am having trouble coming to terms with how I could have acted so abhorrently when I never thought myself capable of such a thing. I had low self esteem to begin with, and now I have none. I have no confidence in my ability to make decisions, in my actions, or in my moral code. It provides me no comfort to tell myself that I am a good person underneath, because I no longer believe that. I wish that I could move on, but I seem to have been stuck at this phase of regret/shame/anger/self-loathing for months now. Any advice, comments, thoughts, would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

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Well, at least you and your BF weren't married. Put this down as one of life's toughest lessons. Just make sure that if, in the future, you feel your BF isn't paying you the attention you feel you deserve, don't go searching for it with other guys, who will be oh so happy to give you all the "attention" you can handle, sexual and otherwise. In other words, keep your eyes open, your mind clear, and your legs tightly closed. Here's hoping for a bright future for you.

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Use this to become a you that YOU love. Dig deep to see why you made the choices that you did. Shame is useless. It will keep you traped and stagnant. You can't change your past but you can keep your future bright. Decide what you want and set your boundaries. Brene Brown has a great talk on shame that may be beneficial. I hope you find your peace.

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I went through many of the same feeling you are going through and at times I still go through it. I still haven’t reached a place where I have learned to forgive myself it’s still something that haunts me and I am almost 2 years out since the affair ended. I’m beginning to realize that you never truly forgive yourself and the best you can do is learn to accept it. Learn to accept it and try to move on from there. At least that’s what I am learning to do.

 

Although it could be different for since you still have your BF and maybe if he learns to forgive you then maybe that could also help you forgive yourself. Just try to be the best partner you can be and in time I am sure it all will work its self out.

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Paen, your OM used the friendship strategy to get into your pants and it worked beautifully. He patiently worked you. You doing things as complaining about his remarks though you kept spending time with him. Saying you did not want sex yet you repeatedly when back letting the physical acts escalate.

 

 

You then decided to do the classic find fault and pick fight with BF so you would not feel guilty and could justify banging your OM.

 

 

You need to learn that you were led down the slippery slope to cheating without fighting. Learn how to have firm boundaries and you will no longer be a cheater.

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Keep making decisions of which you can be proud and your self pride will return. Your mistakes do not need to define you, provided that you stop making bad decisions and start making good ones. Eventually it will be your good decisions (and your positive corrections after mistakes) that will really define you.

 

If you were to forgive yourself too quickly, you'd know it was cheap forgiveness. True forgiveness is earned to whatever extent you're capable and it's demonstrated by consistent actions over time. Focus on making those consistent actions over time and you'll find that that's how you define yourself and not by some regrettable affair in your past. Your BF sees that potential in you; go prove him right and you'll prove it to yourself as well.

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Inow fully believe that OM was using me as a side piece, with no intention of ever breaking up with his GF. Whether that was his plan the whole time or not,I guess I'll never know. I found out that he has a history of cheating, has cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had.

 

 

I don’t know if it helps but you were trusting and played by an experienced pro. The following is an example of the lengths these guys will go to. Maybe this will help you get over the OM.

 

 

********************************************************

 

 

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQmodel look alike and I'm not wealthy.

 

 

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boostwas a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wifeand certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not oversomeone else's wayward wife.

 

 

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.

 

 

1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).

 

 

2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.

 

 

3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the taband would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

 

 

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed.If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

 

 

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage.

 

 

If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at homeso my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was tomake them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all,my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

 

 

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a onceand done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex.Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I triedfor everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never evenlet my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes publichook-ups also.

 

 

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If shewanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn'tmatter to me.

 

 

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special.Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

 

 

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. Ihad some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

 

 

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimesI just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either.

 

 

They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me(finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance oncethe play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

 

 

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially andthe kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.

 

 

I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting way ward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

 

 

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you inher pants.

 

 

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all itever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

 

 

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked forme also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

Edited by Buckeye2
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I'm now happier than I have been in 2 years. I had been clinically depressed since the moment I realized I had feelings for the OM. About one year and 4 months into the affair, I went on medication, I entered IC, and I am continuing with both, which have helped me immensely. I now realize that this is all "Affairs 101," and I can't believe I didn't have the foresight to see that earlier. I now realize OM was like an addiction for which I needed a fix. I'm sure I was the same for him. I realize now what a horrible, despicable thing I did and how I hurt so many people, including my BF, the OM's GF, and probably the OM himself. I am truly sorry for hurting anyone. I don't know what I was thinking, but I was being selfish. I now fully believe that OM was using me as a side piece, with no intention of ever breaking up with his GF. Whether that was his plan the whole time or not, I guess I'll never know. I found out that he has a history of cheating, has cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had. I feel used, manipulated, ashamed, and I couldn't see it at the time even though there were so many red flags that I ignored. The worst part is, I know I have no right to be upset; I made my own stupid decisions and I knew what I was getting myself into. I just held onto hope for so long that he would eventually realize he wanted to be with me and get the nerve to break up with her and make things honest between us. I hoped that everything would just work out. I was naive. My choices and actions were deplorable and I regret it with every bone in my body.

 

I know I am better off without OM in my life, and I would have been from the beginning, but I am still having trouble forgiving myself for what I've done. I wish I could take back all the pain I've caused my BF. I wish it weren't a part of our history. I wish I had never met OM at all. I am having trouble coming to terms with how I could have acted so abhorrently when I never thought myself capable of such a thing. I had low self esteem to begin with, and now I have none. I have no confidence in my ability to make decisions, in my actions, or in my moral code. It provides me no comfort to tell myself that I am a good person underneath, because I no longer believe that. I wish that I could move on, but I seem to have been stuck at this phase of regret/shame/anger/self-loathing for months now. Any advice, comments, thoughts, would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm a former BS so take my response (and it's bitterness and cynicism regarding cheating) in that context.

 

Absent extraordinary effort on the part of both participants, I think relationships like yours have huge odds against them. And much of it has to do with what you're feeling. Were you the narcissistic/sociopathic type, the current stage would be much easier. You'd be less empathetic to the pain you've caused and less introspective about why you'd caused it. Shame is a foreign emotion to people like this.

 

But good people also cheat, we're talking about human beings here. And the price they pay is an almost endless penance (nice username BTW) that renders your BF a symbol of what you've done. You're going to bring your own set of clouds to every sunny day with him and he may ultimately resent you for it. In short, you'll get what your mind thinks you deserve.

 

You might take a break from the relationship while you heal and encourage him to see others. You can always reconnect down the road if that's what the future holds. But for now, you should at least consider that your current frame of mind holds the possibility of hurting him further. Part of that tangled web.

 

Keep posting, hope you work through this...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Idk. Personally I think people today are a bit too obsessed and over the top with the concept of forgiveness. It is not a requirement to living life and moving on.

 

I'd just recommend continuing with the therapy and being there for your boyfriend. Sounds like you learned from your mistake. Just make sure you never do it again to your boyfriend or anyone else.

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Feeling so sorry for OMs GF. I know getting married is her choice too but that is still a poor soul that will dedicate her life to a player.

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Buckeye

 

You truly are a predator, but an honest one in this forum. Why do you say you've had a vasectomy? Why not keep your wife safe and prevent STD'S as you continue to cheat? Why allow these women to think you can't get them pregnant?

 

I could say more but there's no point. Just wear a condom while your cheating.

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Feeling so sorry for OMs GF. I know getting married is her choice too but that is still a poor soul that will dedicate her life to a player.

 

Who knows if the GF really received the messages. A phone call would have been better as it's not unheard of for their mail, email, FB or text messages to be intercepted by the cheating partner. A conversation ensures she knows everything. I don't believe she got the messages . He could still be cheating and exposing her to all kinds of Std's.

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Buckeye

 

You truly are a predator, but an honest one in this forum. Why do you say you've had a vasectomy? Why not keep your wife safe and prevent STD'S as you continue to cheat? Why allow these women to think you can't get them pregnant?

 

I could say more but there's no point. Just wear a condom while your cheating.

 

That post wasn't from Buckeye, he posted something an individual who targets(ed) married women wrote. I read that exact same thing myself like 2 or 3 years ago.

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That post wasn't from Buckeye, he posted something an individual who targets(ed) married women wrote. I read that exact same thing myself like 2 or 3 years ago.

 

Oh sorry I misread it.

 

My apologies to you Buckeye. I read in haste.

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Thank you all for your replies. I will take all your advice into consideration. It's good to be able to talk to others who have been through infidelity, from all sides. It certainly has been a traumatic experience for me and sonething I'd never want to put anyone through or go through again, so I can't imagine dealing with it as a BS. I truly regret hurting my BF and OM's GF the way I did. I wish I could take it all back.

 

Buckeye, your post was enlightening, to say the least. I am still surprised by the lengths that some people will go to and the calculating measures they will take to use others for their own enjoyment. To whoever wrote that, I would like to ask: If your wife found out and you saw how hurt she was, would you stop? Would you feel remorse?

Although I don't like to consider myself a victim of predation, (I made my own stupid decisions after all), I do feel at the very least mislead with all the mixed signals the OM fed me, but I guess I'm at fault for being too trusting. It scares me that people this seemingly cruel and careless exist, although whoever wrote that certainly sounds a lot like my OM. Frankly, what scares me more is that I didn't have the judge of character to see it earlier.

On another note, I need no help getting over the OM. I think he is a horrible person, I can see that quite clearly now, and I want nothing more than to have nothing to do with him for the rest of my life. I am however, having trouble coming to terms with the fact that I was dumb enough to fall for his game and that I let myself be absorbed in the fantasy of the affair.

 

MrLucky, thank you for your insight. I can see what you mean by my feelings interfering with reconciliation with my BF. At times I do feel like he resents me for still dwelling on the affair and for not forgiving myself. He has expressed to me how frustrating it is for him to have forgiven me and to be moving on with our relationship while I still have not forgiven myself. He says this everytime I bring it up and apologize again for what I've done. I know he wants me to work on myself first and to be able to forgive myself and move on before we take the relationship any further. I will definitely work on this and consider your advice. My BF is very insightful and understanding, and the last thing I want is for him to resent me. Thank you, again.

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Thanks to you Paen for posting your story. As you said, your story is in many ways very typical of affairs. However, it helps to hear it again and everyone's story is a little different.

 

The great detail that you gave is more than we typically hear. That was helpful as well. To have so much detail about how such tragedy unfolds, is helpful to me as a BS. Thanks again and best wishes for your recovery.

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"Forgiving" is a flash point with a lot of us. I can only talk from the POV of a BH.

 

Do I forgive my WW? not really. to be forgiven a person has to be forgivable. For some people the act itself is not forgivable, not so for me. It's the person that makes the difference when it comes to forgiving. Does the WS have remorse? Are they actively doing everything possible to be open, honest, completely truthful with their BS? Are they working on themselves to fix what ever it was in them that made it ok to cheat? Or are they blaming their BS for for what they did, and continuing to lie - claiming they are protecting their BS by doing so?

 

Do I forgive myself for excusing away my WW's behaviors during her affair? I'm sort of there.. not completely yet though.

 

I think that sometimes a WS that forgives themselves too easily either is rug sweeping or is blaming their BS or the AP for their choices. It takes work to heal from an affair - and maybe actually doing that work is what it will take for a WS to actually come to some kind of forgiveness for themselves.

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I don't really think in terms of forgiving myself when I blow it. I think more in terms of redeeming myself. Here's what I mean: short of the impossible feat of having a time machine, I try to make as much amends as I can to the people who I actually hurt, and I try to restore my values and character and live from then on in a way that is worthy of forgiveness, if that makes sense.

 

Once I have done everything I can humanly and possibly do apart from turning back time, then I can be at peace whether I am forgiven or not - by myself OR anyone else.

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You can't change the past and you are not your past. You no longer live there. You have learned from your mistakes and it was a very valuable lesson for you in your life. If you dont' forgive yourself, you and your BF don't stand a chance at a loving and genuine relationship. Until you let this go, you will never heal and will be haunted by this. Your BF has forgiven you and you need to love yourself enough to forgive yourself. You are only human and we all have done things we are not proud of and its part of life. Right or wrong what's done is done and you are a wiser and better person for it. Keep your head up sweety and know that you are loved and are worthy of it. Sending you hugs!

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Who knows if the GF really received the messages. A phone call would have been better as it's not unheard of for their mail, email, FB or text messages to be intercepted by the cheating partner. A conversation ensures she knows everything. I don't believe she got the messages . He could still be cheating and exposing her to all kinds of Std's.

 

 

I am fairly certain OM's GF received the messages. I heard through a mutual friend that he was upset with her because she was flirting with some other guys right around the same time this all came out. Not proof, I know, but it sounds like she was trying to give him a little taste of his own medicine. I don't think she knows everything by any means. I suspect OM gaslighted her, trickle-truthed her, and minimized everything until he was blue in the face. I also assume he threw me under the bus and made me out to be a crazy/obsessive whore who seduced him, played with his feelings, and tricked him into sleeping with me (based on the way he shirked any responsibility during our final fight). I suspect his proposal was a way for him to win her back/pacify her/get the relationship back into a state of relative stability. Or maybe he truly did realize the error of his ways and realize what a huge mistake it was hurting her and almost losing her. I would hope so, for her sake.

 

Surely a conversation would have been a better way to break the news to her, to ensure that she get the whole truth, but my BF did not feel comfortable blindsiding her with the details and he felt it was her choice whether she wanted to call him and find out more or not. She chose not to, and he respected that. I don't feel it's my place to tell her what happened as I'm sure she wouldn't want to hear from me anyway, and I don't blame her. She would probably rather forget I exist. I would absolutely have a civil conversation, apologize, and explain to her what happened if she ever contacted me and asked, although I doubt she would believe me. She has the means to find out the truth if she wants to. She obviously made the choice to believe OM/forgive OM/trust that he won't do it again, or some combination thereof, and that's her right.

 

No matter, conjecture is not helpful to anyone, and frankly, it makes no difference to me what's going on in their lives at this point. I did the damage, that can't be undone, but all I can do from here is try to be a better person and focus on my relationship with my BF.

 

Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and for your thoughts and well wishes.

 

Sent from my iPhone

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I am going to let you in a little secret - You don't have forgive yourself. I know, it sounds crazy, but how many times have you heard a person say "I'll never forgive myself for _________.

 

 

Forgiveness is just a vague word that everyone has a different meaning for. Personally, I think acceptance is a healthier construct to live by. Your actions over a long period of time have shown that you have issues with your personality that you need to work on. You've taken the steps that you need to take to work on these issues, tried your hardest to correct the things you did and know you have to accept that this is part of who you are as a person. I don't think that feeling guilty is bad thing. Guilt and regret are evolutionary gifts from your ancestors that keep your from repeating bad behavior.

 

It sounds to me like you've turned your obsession for OM to an obsession for punishing yourself. I think you should explore this obsessive nature in therapy and find ways to control it. It's not always easy to do, but it is possible.

 

Good luck and realize that finding your sense of empathy after losing it for 2 years is a huge step forward. Embrace your guilt because that's what will keep you from turning back into your former self.

 

And for as long as you live, never, ever speak to OM. I know you think you see him differently now, but as logical as you think your brain is, it isn't. Even one word, one sight, will set you back, I promise. I'm serious, no excuse. No deaths in the family, no holidays, no nothing, done, forever, for-ev-er.

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To be honest, I think you should break up with your boyfriend, just walk away from him. Why? Look, you don't love this guy. I know you say you did, but you wouldn't of conducted a 2 year long affair if that was the case. There is no way you look a man you love in the eye for 2 years straight and just lie to him like that, no way at all. You had an inappropriate friendship that lead to more.

 

I'm sorry, but I just found your entire post utterly disgusting. You don't love your boyfriend, you used him. You stayed with him all the while hoping this other guy would break up with his girlfriend so you could be with him. Important parts from your post:

 

"We argued, we confessed our feelings, reminisced about old times, he said he wanted to run away with me and forget everything but he just wasn't "man enough". He broke my heart again. I yelled and told him how much he had hurt me, how he had been stringing me along, how I felt used and discarded, how I wanted to finally be with him if only he would give me the respect I deserved."

 

So after you got back with your boyfriend here you are, once again, confessing your damn feelings to some other dude. You get mad because he says he isn't man enough to run away with you. In other words, you aren't mad because he is scum, but because YOU CAN'T BE WITH HIM. That is messed up. Now more:

 

"He accused me of playing with his feelings, he said I was playing the victim, and asked incredulously why he would ever break up with his GF for me. We agreed we shouldn't talk anymore. I broke down. I cried for days. I realized what a huge mistake I had made and how stupid and naive I had been. I just wanted everything to go back to normal and to be happy again."

 

Again, after he says he won't dump his gf you break down, and THEN of course you want everything to go back to normal. Then you go crawling back to your boyfriend. Who, like a putz, forgives you. You used both these men, you didn't truly love either one of them. It makes me sad your boyfriend is a doormat and doesn't have the guts to leave you. It makes me sad you are a selfish, manipulative, cheater who won't walk away from a guy who clearly deserves better.

 

Nope, I won't be like the others and wish you good luck or anything like that. As far as I am concerned, as long as you stay with your boyfriend you have no right to forgive yourself, because he deserves better and you have zero problem turning the guy into a doormat.

Edited by Spectre
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To be honest, I think you should break up with your boyfriend, just walk away from him. Why? Look, you don't love this guy. I know you say you did, but you wouldn't of conducted a 2 year long affair if that was the case. There is no way you look a man you love in the eye for 2 years straight and just lie to him like that, no way at all. You had an inappropriate friendship that lead to more.

 

I'm sorry, but I just found your entire post utterly disgusting. You don't love your boyfriend, you used him. You stayed with him all the while hoping this other guy would break up with his girlfriend so you could be with him. Important parts from your post:

 

"We argued, we confessed our feelings, reminisced about old times, he said he wanted to run away with me and forget everything but he just wasn't "man enough". He broke my heart again. I yelled and told him how much he had hurt me, how he had been stringing me along, how I felt used and discarded, how I wanted to finally be with him if only he would give me the respect I deserved."

 

So after you got back with your boyfriend here you are, once again, confessing your damn feelings to some other dude. You get mad because he says he isn't man enough to run away with you. In other words, you aren't mad because he is scum, but because YOU CAN'T BE WITH HIM. That is messed up. Now more:

 

"He accused me of playing with his feelings, he said I was playing the victim, and asked incredulously why he would ever break up with his GF for me. We agreed we shouldn't talk anymore. I broke down. I cried for days. I realized what a huge mistake I had made and how stupid and naive I had been. I just wanted everything to go back to normal and to be happy again."

 

Again, after he says he won't dump his gf you break down, and THEN of course you want everything to go back to normal. Then you go crawling back to your boyfriend. Who, like a putz, forgives you. You used both these men, you didn't truly love either one of them. It makes me sad your boyfriend is a doormat and doesn't have the guts to leave you. It makes me sad you are a selfish, manipulative, cheater who won't walk away from a guy who clearly deserves better.

 

Nope, I won't be like the others and wish you good luck or anything like that. As far as I am concerned, as long as you stay with your boyfriend you have no right to forgive yourself, because he deserves better and you have zero problem turning the guy into a doormat.

 

I agree with this to an extent, but I think there was a much nicer way this could have been expressed. None the less, I do agree that you may be better off ending things with your boyfriend. As it stands, I don't think you went back to him for the right reasons. I think you went back out of a sense of guilt and the fact that you did not want to end up alone. This is pretty much standard with a lot of female cheaters. Listen, you're not married to this guy and most importantly, I don't think you are currently able to give him what he needs. Your still stuck on you right now and that's perfectly fine given your situation, but it's not fair to your boyfriend. Take a break and focus on making yourself better. If you guys get back together in the future, then great, but this isn't fair to either one of you.

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I just think someone needs to snap her out of this mentality, and the other posts in this topic surely weren't going to do so. I found that almost as strange as the OP's post, nobody really noticed any of the red flags I pointed out? Come on guys, we shouldn't have to be all the way on the 2nd page of this topic before someone pointed those things out. An elephant in the room that friggin huge should never be ignored.

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To be honest, I think you should break up with your boyfriend, just walk away from him. Why? Look, you don't love this guy. I know you say you did, but you wouldn't of conducted a 2 year long affair if that was the case. There is no way you look a man you love in the eye for 2 years straight and just lie to him like that, no way at all. You had an inappropriate friendship that lead to more.

 

I'm sorry, but I just found your entire post utterly disgusting. You don't love your boyfriend, you used him. You stayed with him all the while hoping this other guy would break up with his girlfriend so you could be with him. Important parts from your post:

 

"We argued, we confessed our feelings, reminisced about old times, he said he wanted to run away with me and forget everything but he just wasn't "man enough". He broke my heart again. I yelled and told him how much he had hurt me, how he had been stringing me along, how I felt used and discarded, how I wanted to finally be with him if only he would give me the respect I deserved."

 

So after you got back with your boyfriend here you are, once again, confessing your damn feelings to some other dude. You get mad because he says he isn't man enough to run away with you. In other words, you aren't mad because he is scum, but because YOU CAN'T BE WITH HIM. That is messed up. Now more:

 

"He accused me of playing with his feelings, he said I was playing the victim, and asked incredulously why he would ever break up with his GF for me. We agreed we shouldn't talk anymore. I broke down. I cried for days. I realized what a huge mistake I had made and how stupid and naive I had been. I just wanted everything to go back to normal and to be happy again."

 

Again, after he says he won't dump his gf you break down, and THEN of course you want everything to go back to normal. Then you go crawling back to your boyfriend. Who, like a putz, forgives you. You used both these men, you didn't truly love either one of them. It makes me sad your boyfriend is a doormat and doesn't have the guts to leave you. It makes me sad you are a selfish, manipulative, cheater who won't walk away from a guy who clearly deserves better.

 

Nope, I won't be like the others and wish you good luck or anything like that. As far as I am concerned, as long as you stay with your boyfriend you have no right to forgive yourself, because he deserves better and you have zero problem turning the guy into a doormat.

 

 

Spectre, I'm sorry that I disgusted you. I disgust myself too. And I, like yourself, am surprised more people didn't react the way you did. I know that my BF deserves better. I would not blame him at all if he left me. I would completely understand. Fortunately for me, he has seen who I was before all of this happened, and for the other 8 years of our relationship, and he apparently believes that I can be that person again. I will do everything in my power to show him that I can be. Unlike the OM, who is a serial cheater, for whom this kind of behavior is a pattern, it was completely out of character for me to do this kind of thing. Like I said, I have never done anything remotely similar in nature. I understand why you said the things you did, and before I experienced anything like this, I probably would have said the same myself. I now understand that what I felt for the OM was based on fantasy, it was toxic and destructive, but what I feel for my BF is authentic, is based on our years of friendship, of mutual respect, of shared ideals, of being there for each other through laughter and tears. I beat myself up every day telling myself that I don't deserve my BF, but I am thankful every day that he has given me another chance. I came here to work through my issues and not to have my sense of self-loathing beaten further into my skull. It would be futile and absolutely non-constructive to argue each point with you. I would just like to thank those who have read my story without crucifying me for my sins. Whether I deserve it or not.

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