I'm on an emotional roller coaster

[Madlove]

A month ago I found out my husband was cheating on me with escorts. He admitted it to me after I confronted him with enough evidence to prove it. He was very upset, tearful even, about the whole situation. He said he felt unwanted and undesired for most of our relationship. The sad part is, he is right. I have been sexually unavailable to him.

 

Before, I knew he was cheating, I went to counseling. I realized there were some real issues in my past that I never dealt with. I tried to make the effort, initiating sex but he kept rejecting me. By then, it was too late. He was so angry and resentful he didn't want to be with me sexually. His rejection continues, even after the cheating revelation.

 

I've always believed if I ever found out someone cheated on me, I would leave. But the truth is, he was seeking sex because I made him feel unwanted. It hurts he cheated on me but it hurts more that he believes I drove him to it. I told him he made a choice. He could've left. I think he's angry more with himself for putting up with our issues for so long and now he is lashing out at me. I'm not forcing him to stay. I told him if he wanted to leave he could, but he doesn't. He says he's not sure what he wants.

 

I'm so confused. I want our marriage to survive but he's completely shut down and withdrawn. He's cold to me. He says he doesn't feel motivated...that he spent the majority of our relationship trying to make me comfortable in our relationship...now he's just tired. At the same time, when I make plans for the both of us, he never refuses. It's the intimacy he refuses. He refuses any more marriage counseling...he didn't think the 4 sessions we went to did anything.

 

I don't have the strength to leave. I don't want to regret not trying enough or making the effort (our issues has been about my lack of effort). I want him to be the one to call it quits but he won't. I'm angry and hurt by his cheating. but I keep it to myself because I know my role in it. I really love my husband but I'm struggling. It's like I can't be hurt or angry by the cheating because I hurt him with my constant rejection. Now, I'm the one being rejected.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Madlove

[Mal78]

A month ago I found out my husband was cheating on me with escorts. He admitted it to me after I confronted him with enough evidence to prove it. He was very upset, tearful even, about the whole situation. He said he felt unwanted and undesired for most of our relationship. The sad part is, he is right. I have been sexually unavailable to him.

 

Before, I knew he was cheating, I went to counseling. I realized there were some real issues in my past that I never dealt with. I tried to make the effort, initiating sex but he kept rejecting me. By then, it was too late. He was so angry and resentful he didn't want to be with me sexually. His rejection continues, even after the cheating revelation.

 

I've always believed if I ever found out someone cheated on me, I would leave. But the truth is, he was seeking sex because I made him feel unwanted. It hurts he cheated on me but it hurts more that he believes I drove him to it. I told him he made a choice. He could've left. I think he's angry more with himself for putting up with our issues for so long and now he is lashing out at me. I'm not forcing him to stay. I told him if he wanted to leave he could, but he doesn't. He says he's not sure what he wants.

 

I'm so confused. I want our marriage to survive but he's completely shut down and withdrawn. He's cold to me. He says he doesn't feel motivated...that he spent the majority of our relationship trying to make me comfortable in our relationship...now he's just tired. At the same time, when I make plans for the both of us, he never refuses. It's the intimacy he refuses. He refuses any more marriage counseling...he didn't think the 4 sessions we went to did anything.

 

I don't have the strength to leave. I don't want to regret not trying enough or making the effort (our issues has been about my lack of effort). I want him to be the one to call it quits but he won't.I'm angry and hurt by his cheating. but I keep it to myself because I know my role in it. I really love my husband but I'm struggling. It's like I can't be hurt or angry by the cheating because I hurt him with my constant rejection. Now, I'm the one being rejected.

 

You have checked out. You are done, he is done. He knows it, you know it. The affair(s) should for both of you be the ultimate wake up call if the marriage is worth salvaging. You need to make the first move or your marriage will be stalemated for as long as you allow it.

 

It's clear, you both deserve to be happy. Unless you are happy only when you are miserable.... In that case, carry on.

[Mr. Lucky]

He said he felt unwanted and undesired for most of our relationship. The sad part is, he is right. I have been sexually unavailable to him.

 

I understand his anger but not your determination. Why would you want to stay with someone you were sexually uninterested in for so long?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Madlove]

I understand his anger but not your determination. Why would you want to stay with someone you were sexually uninterested in for so long?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr. Lucky,

 

I'm not sexually uninterested in him. I mean, I wanted to be more intimate with him but I always held back. I knew I was holding back, just didn't know why. I was sexually abused during my childhood. I never dealt with it or even realized it until marriage counseling. I'm now in individual counseling and have been for 6 months. I told my husband on the insistence of my counselor (months before I found out about his cheating) and he wasn't surprised. I'm attracted to my husband. I Just didn't realize my behaviors was sabotaging the relationship. You may ask how could I not know? I wish I could explain it. There were times I wanted to wear lingerie and be affectionate and something would hold me back. In any case, my determination comes from my now knowing what was holding me back and realizing my role in his actions. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard to initiate and be more affectionate when I want but now it's complicated by his now rejecting me...not trusting it. Rightfully so.

Edited February 18, 2015 by Madlove

[Mr. Lucky]

In any case, my determination comes from my now knowing what was holding me back and realizing my role in his actions. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard to initiate and be more affectionate when I want but now it's complicated by his now rejecting me...not trusting it. Rightfully so.

 

I don't know, lots of damage done by both sides. Just like illness or injury, somethings simply can't be recovered from.

 

He refuses any more marriage counseling...he didn't think the 4 sessions we went to did anything.

 

So he doesn't want to do counseling, doesn't want to be intimate with you and - I'm assuming - doesn't want to use escorts any more.

 

What does he say he wants to do ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[jackslife]

Maybe your lack of interest in sex suited him, because (and I'm not trying to be cruel here) he isn't turned on by you sexually. It would be very difficult for him to say, "Look I'm really happy with the marriage, but (for whatever reason) I don't fancy you, you don't turn me on - but everything else is good and as long as I can have sex with escorts, then I'm happy with the status quo!"

 

Clearly you have sexual issues, but they are giving him the excuse he needs not to re-engage. I don't buy into the whole "I'm upset that we didn't have sex for years, and I don't want it now because of that."

 

Refusing to go to MC is also a sign that he doesn't want to answer difficult questions.

 

Your issues aside, from what you have said I don't think your husband wants to have sex with you. He was happy with his sexless marriage as long as he had is escorts. Your discovery and offer of sexual relations ruins that for him. Your sexual disinterest gave him an excuse not to have sex with you, and allowed him to justify his behaviour - how can he justify now?

 

Put it another way - If I'd been married to Scarlett Johansson and she hadn't wanted sex with me for years I'd be upset and dispirited. But if tomorrow she said "I'm sorry, Lets go to MC and have lots of sex now", I don't think I'd be sulking about it and not touching her, do you?

 

A previous poster asked the pertinent question - what does he want? My take; I think he wants what he had a marriage, escorts and not sex with you. Sorry to sound mean, but what other answer could there be?

[CarrieT]

Madlove, I went back to your first thread here and it seems you are still basically newlyweds.

 

Six months into your marriage your were having issues so I don't think you should shoulder the whole blame for the sexual dysfunction in the marriage. I have a feeling he was seeing the escorts very early in the marriage so I'm not sure what there is to hold onto.

 

If your husband doesn't want to deal with counselors, he has already checked out of the relationship and wants you to be the heavy in calling it quits. Truthfully, it sounds like the marriage should never have happened in the first place. The types of problems you mentioned here and in the other thread are the types of things that might come up in a 10- or 20- year relationship, not 18 months in.

 

I hate to say it, but I think you should throw in the towel and try to move on.

[jackslife]

My apologies, I hadn't read the other threads and assumed you'd been married a long time.

 

If you are newly weds then it sounds to me like the marriage is over. It'll be easier if you don't have kids, but my advice would be to end it now.

[Madlove]

You all are right. My marriage is over. I have to muster up the strength to do what needs to be done.

 

I keep making excuses for why he stays. Why he just doesn't pick up and do what is right for him. A part of me believes he loves me but it doesn't matter anymore. We're both so angry. Too much damage has been done.

[coryreply]

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. For many couples, the first year or two is the hardest years of their marriage. Is there anything you could say or do that might make him want to fight for you and the marriage?

[jackslife]

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP. For many couples, the first year or two is the hardest years of their marriage. Is there anything you could say or do that might make him want to fight for you and the marriage?

 

I disagree with this statement. The first couple of years should be amongst the best. Especially given how many couples live together before marriage, the first few years should be fun. For couples who don't it can be a shock, but if it's that hard, a couple shouldn't be together.

[HelenaHandbasket]

You should still be in your honeymoon phase. I'm sorry you are going through this, but the positive is, you're newlyweds and it's time to get out before things get too complicated financially and possibly with children involved. If you were dating this person, would you stay? Or would you walk away. Would you ask him, while dating, that you should get counseling and work on your relationship with professionals.

 

I feel terrible for what you have discovered, what happened in your childhood. I don't want to sound cold, but I think you should end this marriage with someone that has zero empathy for what you are going through, you both don't seem to be sexually attracted to each other and he isn't willing to seek therapy anyway.

 

If one is not happy with themselves, how can they possibly be happy with anyone else. It's definitely a process and takes time. I'm still working on it and am a different person than I was a month ago, day by day. Once you drop the unsupportive, uninterested, dead weight, you can really focus on yourself, personal issues, what makes you happy, so many things. It does get better and you will discover so much about yourself. THEN you can begin to share your life with another. Sending hugs!

[Realist3]

Get the strength. This relationship is over, it will never recover.

[HereNorThere]

I understand that you feel partly responsible for this maybe rightly so, but the escorts thing is way beyond any typical cheating behavior because of the high risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Let's say you worked on your relationship and things got better (hypothetically.) Could you really sleep with someone who has been with hookers? He put your life at risk with that type of behavior and you very well could be telling the story of how you contracted HPV one day if you aren't careful. There's no male test for HPV, so you have no way of knowing whether or not he's a carrier.

 

Even if you carry some of the burden for the lack of intimacy in the relationship, even if cheating is not dealbreaker for you, prostitutes should be. Exposing you to such a high risk group against your will is severely abusive.

[Jkidding]

In a man's book escorts are lightest form of cheating. It is just a sex. I think you both guilty. He for finding escorts, you for being unavailable. Nature abhores vacuum if you wont do sex with him, he will find someone who would. And that happened. So i think you are as much guilty as he is.

But in your case i think you both still have a chance to be happy together. About your problem... Ok you can drop him... And then what? You will have same problems with another man. Or stay alone for the rest of your life. So id say work on yourself and try to keep him if you can.

Edited February 20, 2015 by Jkidding