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The affair, the backstory and the aftermath...


Grizzly101

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We can all sit here and armchair quarterback what we would do, but until you are in it, don't be so sure!

 

After my affair, I said that I quit all contact. My phone has a password, we have different cell companies so he couldn't track it. I knew I could get away with it and if I told him what he wanted to hear, it would be ok. I know that is awful, but I'm being honest! It went on for a while because I wanted my cake and eat it, too. I wanted the security of my husband and the emotional affair with OM. I loved my husband, but was in love with OM. I hated myself for what i was doing, but I rationalized.

 

It was a break up. Regardless of right or wrong, it wasn't just sex, it was, in my mind, a relationship that I had to get over. I broke my husbands heart when I admitted that to him; that I had to get over the OM and only time could do that. He opted to wait it out, love me and support me while I did. We are rebuilding. I am over the feelings and have friendly contact, that my husband knows I have. The reason for this is an entirely different story and is a situation that NC can't be achieved. I was hurtful and a b**ch that didn't deserve forgiveness, but we are here because he gave me time to grieve the relationship that I lost, even if wrong. My phone is still password protected, but am an open book with it. On occasion that I have talked to OM, I have told him that I have and the context of the conversation. If I don't hold myself accountable, I will backslide.

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After my affair, I said that I quit all contact. My phone has a password, we have different cell companies so he couldn't track it. I knew I could get away with it and if I told him what he wanted to hear, it would be ok. I know that is awful, but I'm being honest!
You are being honest about how dishonest you are. The irony of this is lost on you.

 

It was a break up. Regardless of right or wrong, it wasn't just sex, it was, in my mind, a relationship that I had to get over. I broke my husbands heart when I admitted that to him; that I had to get over the OM and only time could do that. He opted to wait it out, love me and support me while I did.
By him allowing such disrespect by you to him and your marriage, you know that you will be able to cheat again without the fear of losing him. With such knowledge, it will be very difficult for you not to cheat again.

 

We are rebuilding. I am over the feelings and have friendly contact, that my husband knows I have. The reason for this is an entirely different story and is a situation that NC can't be achieved. I was hurtful and a b**ch that didn't deserve forgiveness, but we are here because he gave me time to grieve the relationship that I lost, even if wrong. My phone is still password protected, but am an open book with it. On occasion that I have talked to OM, I have told him that I have and the context of the conversation. If I don't hold myself accountable, I will backslide.
You are ignoring the two most basic and normal requirements of true reconciliation, which are full no contact, and full transparency which includes all passwords. These two basic requirements insures his sanity and allows him to help you not to backslide. You are in false reconciliation where it is all about you and your feelings, with your husband's feelings not being important in the marriage. Time will prove the folly of your husband's current path, as under the current situation you will find it very hard not to backsliding again. The sad thing is that you see no reason not to exploit your husband's love for you until there is nothing left. You are being selfish and short sighted, and in the end both of you will lose. Edited by Try
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I have given him my passwords to everything. It is not possible to have NC with the person, it is unavoidable due to certain circumstances.

 

In the beginning, when I said I would not have contact, I chose to. It was wrong. At that point, I was not sure I wanted to stay. There were problems in the marriage when it all started. Problems for years that I tried to fix and he would not. Regardless, it was disrespectful and horrible. I truely tried to "get over" the OM, but he was like an addiction. He was giving me the emotional needs that my H was not willing to give me, no matter how much I asked. Part of me wanted to get caught. Wanted him to kick me to the curb because I physically made myself sick over what I was doing.

 

I didn't get caught. I saw OM due to an unforeseeable event after months of texts. We do not live in the same area, so I truely hoped when I saw him again, I wouldn't feel it. I was hoping that I was making it more than it was because we were not together all the time. My H knew we w

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Oops...

 

My H knew there would be contact. He asked me if I felt anything. I could have denied it all. I told him yes. It got ugly. IMO it should've gotten uglier and he should've not let me come home.

 

I grieved for the last 4 months. I miss him, but not more than I love my husband. It was a wake up call for us both. Everyday is a struggle. Knowing that I betrayed someone who loved me so much hurts in my gut. I do have remorse. I do not want to cheat again. I want my marriage to work.

 

We have been together for 26 years. I almost threw it away. I can't change that. I can only move forward and try everyday to show him that I am all in.

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He is my best friends brother. H & I are very close to her and he does not want me to sever contact with her. I said that I would. OM and I also happen to be godparents of her daughter, so there will be functions that it is inevitable that contact will be made. We live in different states so physical contact is a very minimal, but will happen.

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He is my best friends brother. H & I are very close to her and he does not want me to sever contact with her. I said that I would. OM and I also happen to be godparents of her daughter, so there will be functions that it is inevitable that contact will be made. We live in different states so physical contact is a very minimal, but will happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doesn't sound like your all that committed to saving your marriage.

 

 

I would just consider a divorce so you can have the OM in your life without any problems.

 

 

Clay

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I was contemplating leaving when it started. I tried for so long, years, to get what I needed emotionally without it happening. Years of putting myself last, years of begging for attention.

 

I honestly think that this served as a wake up call to him. A crappy one, but a wake up call. I never stopped loving my husband, I was to the point that I was through being a doormat and taken advantage of. I met OM during this stage.

Since the A, my H now sees what I was asking for, looks at things in a different perspective. He was accountable for his actions. It was my choice to cheat, nobody can force you to do that. But I think that a spouses behavior can enable certain behavior and you get a mindset that you feel that you can justify certain things.

 

I am 100% committed to making my marriage work because I now have a willing partner that sees the issues that we had all along and is willing to work on them. I am willing to do whatever it takes to show him that I am all in.

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I have given him my passwords to everything.
On one hand you say that "My phone is still password protected" indicating that your husband does not have the password to your phone, on the other hand you say that "I have given him my passwords to everything". Which is it, does he have the password to your phone or not?
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Since the A, my H now sees what I was asking for, looks at things in a different perspective. He was accountable for his actions. It was my choice to cheat, nobody can force you to do that. But I think that a spouses behavior can enable certain behavior and you get a mindset that you feel that you can justify certain things.
The word "But" as used by you here, negated anything that you said that came before it. Thus you have a "mindset that you feel that you can justify" cheating on your husband of 26 years. In my book you can never justify cheating. If his behavior is such that you were seriously unhappy, the decent thing to do was to address it honestly and in the open by filing for divorce and giving him a chance to change if he wanted to stay in the marriage. Cheating does not help make a marriage better, no matter how many times cheaters claim that it does.

 

I am 100% committed to making my marriage work because I now have a willing partner that sees the issues that we had all along and is willing to work on them. I am willing to do whatever it takes to show him that I am all in.
I will believe that you are 100% committed to doing "whatever it takes", when you stop quoting from the cheaters script.
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I guess you can believe whatever you want. I am describing my specific situation. I am not speaking cheater script, as you refer to it. I am telling you how I feel and what my intensions are.

 

I did not say his behavior justified an affair. In fact, I said that it is never justified. I do believe that his behavior enabled my behavior and thinking; rationalizing and justification for myself. If you are going to quote me, please do not do so out of you opinion of what I meant. I am only on here sharing my perspective on my particular situation and the events that transpired. And when I said it was an eye opener, that was something that my H actually said in reference to his lack of responding to me pleas.

 

A lot of people believe if you had an A of any kind you are a liar with no redeeming qualities and will continue to cheat. I believe that is true for some people, not all people. I didn't make it this far by being unfaithful or untruthful, but quite the opposite until 10 months ago. I made a series of poor choices that he is willing to forgive if I give it my all. We are both making changes and we both feel that we can overcome this.

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He has the password. I keep it password protected so that my teen will not see something they should not.

 

And what would that be? If you're not interacting inappropriately with anyone it should be no problem for any child to view your texts. Besides, it's possible you can erase messages before your H sees them, yes?

 

And what is your H doing now that meets all your emotional needs? That's a lot to put on him - why can't you be happy enough on your own? Why is it up to your H to make you happy?

 

What are you doing to recognize his needs and to meet them? After 26 years I'm sure he must want something more from you that you weren't delivering. What are his needs that you could do better at than you've done in the past?

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I did not say his behavior justified an affair. In fact, I said that it is never justified.

 

 

 

 

I do believe that his behavior enabled my behavior and thinking; rationalizing and justification for myself.

 

 

 

 

The first sentence sounds good.

 

 

However in the second sentence you have undone all the good of the previous sentence.

 

 

Whether the word, but, if, or any qualifying statement as in the second sentence, the WS is blame shifting. Even partial blame shifting is not owning the affair.

 

 

Essentially in the second sentence you have come up with a reason as to how you were able to justify you decision to have an affair. "his behavior enabled me" is a WW blaming her BH.

 

 

You looked for reasons to justify the re-writing of your marital history and blame your BH. When you looked to manufacture reasons for you to not feel bad to cheat. This blame shifting.

 

 

Better for you to say: I wanted the attention from the OM and looked for any excuse whether made up or real to cheat on my BH when there was no real justification to cheat for being unhappy with my marriage for cheating is never the appropriate way to deal with an unhappy marriage.

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And what would that be? If you're not interacting inappropriately with anyone it should be no problem for any child to view your texts. Besides, it's possible you can erase messages before your H sees them, yes?

 

And what is your H doing now that meets all your emotional needs? That's a lot to put on him - why can't you be happy enough on your own? Why is it up to your H to make you happy?

 

What are you doing to recognize his needs and to meet them? After 26 years I'm sure he must want something more from you that you weren't delivering. What are his needs that you could do better at than you've done in the past?

 

 

 

 

You forget that the WW and BH can be talking about the affair (using the phone/texts) and the kids do not know and they want to keep it that way

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Best friend or not - there's not one reason to interact with her brother if he was your OM.

 

If you have solid boundaries you could even tell your best friend to never mention him ever again.

 

Does she know you had an affair with her brother?

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You forget that the WW and BH can be talking about the affair (using the phone/texts) and the kids do not know and they want to keep it that way

 

That would be protecting the WS. Married 26 years - how old are these kids? I see "teen" but teen as in almost adult?

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I was contemplating leaving when it started. I tried for so long, years, to get what I needed emotionally without it happening. Years of putting myself last, years of begging for attention.

 

I honestly think that this served as a wake up call to him. A crappy one, but a wake up call. I never stopped loving my husband, I was to the point that I was through being a doormat and taken advantage of. I met OM during this stage.

Since the A, my H now sees what I was asking for, looks at things in a different perspective. He was accountable for his actions. It was my choice to cheat, nobody can force you to do that. But I think that a spouses behavior can enable certain behavior and you get a mindset that you feel that you can justify certain things.

 

I am 100% committed to making my marriage work because I now have a willing partner that sees the issues that we had all along and is willing to work on them. I am willing to do whatever it takes to show him that I am all in.

 

Just so you know, I'm also a former WW, but I find what your saying and the excuses your making for maintaining contact on any level with the OM as disingenuous. The question has been asked how can you be commited yet stay engaged with what called your commitment into question?

 

Everytime you contact OM you rip away a small chunk of love that your husband holds. You have effectively convinced your husband that he own a part of your affair. The problem with that is it won't last.

 

You aren't accepting responsibilty for your affair, that went out the window the second you thought your actions were justified due to what you seen as him being less of a husband then you deserved.

 

I'm not judging you for this, like you I traveled that same road. I used what I saw as his shortcomings to justify what I had done. After I lost him, it dawned on me that nothing he did made what I did ok, or in any way his fault.

 

What your doing is slowly ripping his heart out (by maintaining contact). Even if your telling him 100% of what your conversations are about (which I honestly doubt you are). Why do you think this is ok?

 

If you were truly commited there would be no excuses to continue contact, if you were remorseful you wouldn't continue to cause him pain. If you truly loved him you would cut the OM totally out of your life or let him go. You are still being selfish, you are still wanting to eat and hord your cake, and hedging your bets by keeping OM in the picture.

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I am not seeking contact with the OM. I said that NC was not a situation that could be achieved without discontinuing the relationship with my friend, the OMs sister. I told my H that I would sever the relationship with her so that there are no run ins in the future and he did not want me to do that.

 

As far as the justification. I am not justifying my behavior for the A. When I spoke of justification, that is how I felt at the time, when I was obviously not making good choices.

 

Just wanted to make that clear.

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What makes this entire situation as bad as it is Grizzly is that you saw this coming. In fact, you seeked it out. You're not a WW who can say "it just happened." You a created a thread last year about this subject with numerous posters advising you on the dangers of what will happen. You said that you understood and yet here we are exactly a year later with this blowing up in your face. OP, I really do hope that you read her earlier threads because this to me is one of the saddest stories I have seen on here. These excuses that I'm hearing in terms of you seeing this guy are ridiculous and honestly easily avoidable. If there is a function that he might be at, then call your friend ahead of time to find out if he will be there so you can avoid him. I know this sounds harsh, but this was by far one more avoidable things I have seen on this site.

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The earlier thread last year was 2 months before anything happened. That was in reference to a friend of mine that I was attracted to. This is not the same person. I stayed away from him as everyone suggested.

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Does your best friend know you had the affair with her brother?

 

 

There IS a way to have the best friend but NEVER speak of her brother, NOR see him (out if respect for your husband).

 

It's called boundaries! Does she know everything?

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Yes, she does know. And it would be on a rare occasion that we would see each other. We do not live close. But we are her daughters godparents, so there is a possibility of a run in around holidays.

 

We are both supposed to be in her wedding also. I am honestly not attempting to have contact. I'm saying that there willire than likely be contact, but not contact that we are left alone together.

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I am not seeking contact with the OM. I said that NC was not a situation that could be achieved without discontinuing the relationship with my friend, the OMs sister. I told my H that I would sever the relationship with her so that there are no run ins in the future and he did not want me to do that.

 

As far as the justification. I am not justifying my behavior for the A. When I spoke of justification, that is how I felt at the time, when I was obviously not making good choices.

 

Just wanted to make that clear.

 

 

 

You making nothing clear. Whether then or now you still are making justifications.

 

 

The words that need to come from your mouth is that: I was not justified to have my affair. I lied to myself to make me feel I was right to commit my affair.

 

 

NOTICE no using of the word, if, but, my husband was/did, or any other qualifying statement to lessen your choices.

 

 

Also you do not ask can you stay friends with the OM's sister you cut her out of your life because contact with her can lead to a chance contact with the OM.

 

 

Are you aware of two types of contact. Direct and indirect. Indirect is just as bad. Looking at OMs' FB is indirect as well as the OM's sister mentioning the OM, as OM got a new job. Sounds as not much but this indirect conquest rekindles your memories and feelings for the OM.

 

 

Your BH allowing you to keep the OM sister in your life is a BH that has been castrated by his WW and is willing to mistakenly kiss his WW butt into staying married to him.

 

 

Also if OM's sister knew about the affair she was an enabler in the back stabbing of your BH.

Edited by road
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Yes, she does know. And it would be on a rare occasion that we would see each other. We do not live close. But we are her daughters godparents, so there is a possibility of a run in around holidays.

 

We are both supposed to be in her wedding also. I am honestly not attempting to have contact. I'm saying that there willire than likely be contact, but not contact that we are left alone together.

 

 

 

You have no heart. To put your BH in a position to have the OM rub in BH's face that he banged his WW is beyond cruel.

 

 

Even crueler is that you are willing to accept such collateral damage to just be able to go to the wedding and not go NC with the OM and his sister.

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