Will this last with the other woman?

[sunshine0274]

My daughter's father left her and I 4 months ago to be free and date another woman who he had dated back in college. She is married and cheating on her husband with my ex, though I think she has left her marriage by now too. She has two small children and lives in another state, so they have this whirlwind romance thing going on. I have read e-mails in the past to this woman (That's how I caught him) where he was talking about a future with her, having children, buying a house together- all the same stuff he said to me when we were together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My ex comes by to see our daughter periodically and made a comment the other day about us having a baby boy in the future. He has tried to be romantic with me on several occasions and I will admit that I did cave once after a night of talking and a few glasses of wine. He is away on a romantic vacation with this woman for Valentines Day though he doesn't know I am aware of this. If he was really as in love with her as I fear he is, I cannot imagine him wanting to still have me and our family life. I am putting a stop to it and getting off this merry-go-round, especially after I found out he is still with her. Part of me hopes him coming around more meant he was changing his mind and coming to his senses. I don't know why this matters to me, but it does...how can I tell if what he is doing with her is the real deal? I shudder to think that this kind of woman would be a partner to him and be a part of my daughter's life.

[jellybean89]

He sounds like a jerk. Please do not let him back into your life and don't be intimate with him. He is a lair and a cheat and is not a good role model for your daughter.

[anika99]

Keep moving forward and don't take this cheater back. He cheated on you with the OW and now while he is with the OW and declaring his love and devotion to her he sneaking around with you. He is a pig and he loves no one more than he loves himself.

 

 

I know you would like to feel that his coming around your place and trying to get with you is a sign that he will come back (and maybe it is) but don't let him. I have had exes come back to me and I used to think that they came back because they really loved me. Took me a while to wise up and realize that they came back because they remembered how easy I was to walk all over and disrespect. You are better off without this man. I wouldn't get too worried yet about this MOW being in your kids life. Considering how they started and how your ex is trying to cheat on her too, I doubt their relationship will last for long and when it goes sour your ex is going to be begging you to take him back. He will promise you the moon and the stars and tell you that you are the only woman for him. Don't fall for it.

[MissBee]

You shudder to think that "this kind of woman" would be in his life but truth is what kind of man is he??? It's not just her. He left you and your daughter and then he's with a woman he knows was cheating, he sees your daughter periodically, he future fakes with you and her, cheats on her with you, goes back to her.... I mean he is exhibiting some pretty bad and untrustworthy behavior.

 

I would suggest you not expect him to "come to his senses". I don't think he's lost lost mind. I think he's showing you who he is and you need to believe it and not fall for empty future talk or when he comes around for sex and then leaves again.

 

 

You can't change that he is your daughter's dad, so I'd focus on how you can co-parent and not on how you can be with him. The woman cheated on her husband and left to be with him, yes that's bad but I don't get how she is worse than your ex who left you and your daughter, cheated with her, then cheated on her with you (all while planning your next make believe baby) , then left again and went back to her. It seems he is worse than she is and not a man you should respect, trust or want to be with.

 

He seems emotionally immature and fickle frankly, and cannot seem to do right by you or her. Does he at least take care of and spend time with his child? It doesn't matter if what he has with her is real or not as people like him tend to blow with the wind and not know what they want from one day to the next. They behave impulsively and leave broken hearts and homes in their wake. I would suggest closing your heart to him romantically and looking at the reality of what he's showing you and just focus on caring for your daughter and co-parenting with him. For all you know, next month neither you nor she will be on his mind and he finds a new woman to talk about having babies with and then cheat on.

Edited February 15, 2015 by MissBee

[jnel921]

He left you and your daughter 4 months ago to be "free" and be with another "family". Why allow him back in your bed? What is the message and example that you are setting for your daughter. You are already letting your WH know your home and legs are open to him. Really?

 

Shut it down. Let him be. Work on yourself and stop worrying if he s*** is going to work out or not. By the looks of it he is not even committed to her if he is wiling to grab some a$$ every time he tells her is going away to visit you and his child.

 

This guy sounds like a loser. I am sure you are hurt after all that he did to you and his decision to leave. But you are doing yourself and your child a disservice by sleeping with him. Don't you know who he was screwing the night before? Why would you want that? Why put yourself at risk?

 

Work on you. You and child should be your priority. He made his choice. Accept that. Good Luck.

[sunshine0274]

Ugh, I don't know why I am in agony over this still and I am not implying this other woman is any better than him, believe me, he is just as bad. But, I would feel so much better about future stability for my daughter if she was not around a woman who left her husband for a man who she dated briefly in college and saw no issues with introducing her small kids to my ex within a week of rekindling their relationship. Like "here is your new dad" before she even left her husband. She even left her kids for Thanksgiving and lied about her whereabouts to spend the holiday with my ex in his apartment. Who does that?

 

 

People can do what they want with their own children, but the whole thing is so grimy and irresponsible that I have issues with how much of a bad influence they will be as a couple with my child. Yes, sleeping with him was a bad idea too, I get that, but I learned my mistake and I am much more stable and responsible than those two.

 

 

I cannot help who he chooses to be with, but my goodness, anyone is better than her. Meet a woman who is not a liar and a cheat and who thinks about her children and who doesn't disrespect me and mine and we're good. But, what can I do? You're all right. It's his choice and I have to deal with it,

 

 

Luckily, he is leaving the country for work for 2 years. he is in the military, so our co-parenting will be limited.

 

 

Again, not sure why this bothers me so much. I just want a good role model for my daughter and aside from my little slip-up, I am a great one for her. I just wish her dad and his significant other were too. I love my daughter too much to let her be screwed up growing up

[No Limit]

No, the relationship between your ex and this woman has no realistic foundation, not even in the slightest. Feeling very sorry for OWs kids who lost everything due to her selfishness (your daughter has at least you to rely on OP, these kids have no one since their daddy has probably run for the hills from their nutjob mother).

 

He's trying to be romantic to ensure you're there when everything falls apart, and you encourage it whenever you don't say "If your next words have anything to do with "us" being together and other manipulative *****, I advise you to grab your coat while you say them or else I'll call the cops". Don't sleep with him, and as long as he behaves this way don't be nice to him, it's obvious that talking to him normally gives him the idea that you two are still a big happy family, which you're not.

 

Establish boundaries, or he'll walk all over you, AND your daughter.

[sunshine0274]

No, the relationship between your ex and this woman has no realistic foundation, not even in the slightest. Feeling very sorry for OWs kids who lost everything due to her selfishness (your daughter has at least you to rely on OP, these kids have no one since their daddy has probably run for the hills from their nutjob mother).

 

He's trying to be romantic to ensure you're there when everything falls apart, and you encourage it whenever you don't say "If your next words have anything to do with "us" being together and other manipulative *****, I advise you to grab your coat while you say them or else I'll call the cops". Don't sleep with him, and as long as he behaves this way don't be nice to him, it's obvious that talking to him normally gives him the idea that you two are still a big happy family, which you're not.

 

Establish boundaries, or he'll walk all over you, AND your daughter.

 

 

 

Really good advice, No Limit. Thank you. We are going to the court this week to finalize child support which is pretty hefty, so that's a start to ensure my child has what she needs since she cannot have a father who seems to give adman. He sees her when it's convenient for him and I never say no because he is leaving. It's time to lay down the law here. He and this other woman deserve each other and she has no idea what he is doing with me behind her back, so if she thinks she won some prize, she is sadly mistaken. She is actually worse off because she wants financial stability and a marriage from my ex, which she might get, but she will then have her two kids and more if they procreate.

 

 

I can't stand the idea of looking over my shoulder the rest of my life, wondering what he is doing and who he is talking to and cheating with. She can have that drama.

 

 

I don't feel one bit sorry for her, but I certainly would for anyone else who comes along who isn't a nutjob like her because that one wouldn't deserve it.

[No Limit]

Really good advice, No Limit. Thank you. We are going to the court this week to finalize child support which is pretty hefty, so that's a start to ensure my child has what she needs since she cannot have a father who seems to give adman. He sees her when it's convenient for him and I never say no because he is leaving. It's time to lay down the law here. He and this other woman deserve each other and she has no idea what he is doing with me behind her back, so if she thinks she won some prize, she is sadly mistaken. She is actually worse off because she wants financial stability and a marriage from my ex, which she might get, but she will then have her two kids and more if they procreate.

 

I can't stand the idea of looking over my shoulder the rest of my life, wondering what he is doing and who he is talking to and cheating with. She can have that drama.

 

I don't feel one bit sorry for her, but I certainly would for anyone else who comes along who isn't a nutjob like her because that one wouldn't deserve it.

 

No problem. It's easy to confuse this "nice act" exes give as sincere, but in reality they've lost all respect to you.

 

It's okay to let him visit his daughter. It will make you look better in court and it's only fair to your daughter (since he's not violent etc) too. But "playing along" too has a line, and that is crossed when they believe they can act like nothing happened. In a different case an ex was even trying to pull off "you know, it might be better if I have a key to your new place" - absolute disrespect.

 

And really, chances are that he doesn't know what he's signing up for either. Maybe she already has a few other guys lined up on the side, it's not like a woman has to get opportunities to cheat (c'mon, he'll be gone for 2 years - do you actually believe she'll miss out in all that time? Forget it!). Save the energy, it's not worth thinking about them, they're heading off to no man's land.

 

Don't worry about her being an influence in your child's life. Regarding custody you could attempt to demand visitation to be supervised (but again, he'll be gone for 2 years; it's very likely they won't even last this long).

 

Funny, this thread also reminds me of some guy's thread whose GF cheated on him and left him for OM - turns out he worked for the military too. In a time when this OM too was out of the country due to his job he drove past their place (couldn't avoid it because they were in the neighbourhood), and he saw his ex running out of the house into a car that parked there kissing another guy - short; if you take a cheating chick and you work mainly abroad, you will raise everyone's kids but your own.

[beatcuff]

I will admit that I did cave once after a night of talking and a few glasses of wine.

 

the problem with most people -- they are either all in or not. the biggest example is diets: how many times do you see a person 'cheat' then give up. instead of seeing it as a momentary lapse or we equate all make mistakes with death.

 

so unlike the other posters that appear to be 'upset'. take it for what it was: a slip. your journey beyond your M is a lengthy one and there will be many more slips, just take them in stride. good luck.

 

BTW its very obvious he has moved on and you should too.

[HereNorThere]

If you are still pining for this slime bag, you're the one who needs to come to your senses. The problem is, you think that if OW was out of the picture, things could go back to the way you thought they were. First, they weren't really that way to begin with. Now that you know the truth of who he really is, it negates any sort of intimacy or bonding you've done in the past because he isn't truly that person. Second, even if he did come back to you, you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing you're married to a cheater who doesn't put your family above his own childish desires. This burden is a much heavier load than starting over with a trustworthy partner.

 

If you really care about your daughter (which I am sure you do) you'll do whatever you can to protect her from this man. He's unstable, cruel and certainly doesn't give a crap about her well being. No one who cares about their children abandons their family and hurts their child's other parent.

 

The best thing you can do now is accept the truth of the situation. He's a bad a person and you made a mistake when you decided to have a child with him. It's not your fault, we've all misjudged character in others before. The only thing you can do now is try to negate some of the damage by protecting your child from him. Don't give him a chance to hurt or abandon her again. These type of people rarely change without intensive, long-term therapy and even then, it's such a gamble that there's really no logical reason to sit around being someone's probation officer for the rest of their life.

 

Please, whatever you do, make sure you are using condoms with this man. You don't want to be swapping DNA and STDS from his other women. I say women plural, because more than likely, there are others and always have been. It's simply a part of his personality you have to accept.

Edited February 16, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Friskyone4u]

Take care of yourself and your child and put this moron out of your life. You can do a whole lot better.

To do what he is doing and then suggest having a child with you and trying to have sex with you is about as disrespectful as it gets. And it won't stop if you take him back or let him back in your life.

You did the right thing ending this relationship. He has nothing more to offer you but more lies and deceit. You can't control what he does with this particular other woman but can control you. Don't waste your mental or emotional energy on her. Sounds like the two of them deserve one another.

 

Stay strong and do not look back

[sunshine0274]

If you are still pining for this slime bag, you're the one who needs to come to your senses. The problem is, you think that if OW was out of the picture, things could go back to the way you thought they were. First, they weren't really that way to begin with. Now that you know the truth of who he really is, it negates any sort of intimacy or bonding you've done in the past because he isn't truly that person. Second, even if he did come back to you, you'll have to live the rest of your life knowing you're married to a cheater who doesn't put your family above his own childish desires. This burden is a much heavier load than starting over with a trustworthy partner.

 

If you really care about your daughter (which I am sure you do) you'll do whatever you can to protect her from this man. He's unstable, cruel and certainly doesn't give a crap about her well being. No one who cares about their children abandons their family and hurts their child's other parent.

 

The best thing you can do now is accept the truth of the situation. He's a bad a person and you made a mistake when you decided to have a child with him. It's not your fault, we've all misjudged character in others before. The only thing you can do now is try to negate some of the damage by protecting your child from him. Don't give him a chance to hurt or abandon her again. These type of people rarely change without intensive, long-term therapy and even then, it's such a gamble that there's really no logical reason to sit around being someone's probation officer for the rest of their life.

 

Please, whatever you do, make sure you are using condoms with this man. You don't want to be swapping DNA and STDS from his other women. I say women plural, because more than likely, there are others and always have been. It's simply a part of his personality you have to accept.

 

 

 

I cannot thank you enough. You have said everything that I have known which is that I need to protect my daughter from him. I just needed an outsiders perspective Others will say that I am jealous and want to keep him away because we are not together (I have heard that). It could not be further from the truth. I do not want my baby to learn from her own dad that this is what men do and I need to snap out of it and not teach her to accept crumbs from anyone.

 

 

I actually had a dream last night where I looked him in the face and said "You are a bad person". So, you hit the nail on the head and I agree about him not really giving a crap about his daughter.

 

 

Him leaving soon for his work will be the best thing to ever happen to us. I am certain he will meet women over there, string the one he has right now along and so the cycle continues.

 

 

Sadly, I thought because he had been married before and by all account really loved his wife and was devastated when she left him, that he had a caring side and a heart, but I have learned the hard way that he has more flaws that any woman can get through.

[Chasing_mya]

He's having his cake and eating it too, plain and simple. Don't think because he's back and forth that his feelings have changed about the situation. As long as you both continue to allow him in and out your lives he will keep taking advantage of you two. He left you and is on a trip with this OW why on earth would you want a man like that back again? Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he can waltz back in when ever he wants. He does this because he can, because you allow it. You deserve better sweety.

[preraph]

You have to adjust your thinking on this. You are assuming that the ideal situation for him is to be happy with one woman. It's not. The ideal situation for him and a lot of men is to have more than one relationship with women. Your husband is probably very happy right now with two women being nice to him and would keep that going to infinity if he could. He's probably gotten her away from her husband and feels great about that and now he's got two women. He's not trying to narrow it down.

[TrustedthenBusted]

A person who will turn his back on his children is a person who will turn his back on anyone.

[harrybrown]

Do the 180 and keep him out of your life.

 

However, please do a favor for the OW's husband.

 

Let him know about her cheating with your ex.

 

He deserves to know. That way he can think about not getting stds from her.

 

Right now he has no clue, but if my wife was doing this, I would want to know.

 

Tell her H what she is doing.

 

Hope you find some peace. and keep your ex out of your life.

[sunshine0274]

He has texted me multiple times, telling me he wants to see his daughter, etc. Sure he does! It's time for his once-every-ten-days visit with her for a few hours before he runs off for 2 weeks and does God knows what. I told him I have no desire to see him or speak to him. Thankfully, he has backed off. He doesn't give a crap about me or our baby. He doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself and I see no change in this at all. In one month, he will be gone for work and out of our lives. I have a court date with him for child support this week and then....good riddance! He can have this other woman and her two kids. I am getting the financial support from him and then he can get the hell out of our lives and stop hurting us.

[sunshine0274]

Do the 180 and keep him out of your life.

 

However, please do a favor for the OW's husband.

 

Let him know about her cheating with your ex.

 

He deserves to know. That way he can think about not getting stds from her.

 

Right now he has no clue, but if my wife was doing this, I would want to know.

 

Tell her H what she is doing.

 

Hope you find some peace. and keep your ex out of your life.

 

 

 

I have gone so far as to track her husband down and have thought about telling him, but my ex is in the military. If this H of hers decides to get really nasty, my ex can lose his job and everything and my baby and I will have no support at all. I also think that if he does end up with this woman, what if he gets some kind of custody agreement and visitation and she is around my baby? I would hate to think she would enact some kind of revenge and hurt my child or be mean to her to spite me. Long shot, I know, but I am really concerned about that.

 

 

I think they are not together anymore anyway. I am certain she has left him by now, as my ex was with her for Valentines Day weekend in her hometown. She wouldn't be able to get away with that if he was still around in the same town.