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Vasectomy during R.


TrustedthenBusted

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TrustedthenBusted

Don't know if any of you men in R are facing this, or are thinking about it, but I wanted to share my story just the same, so you will know how NOT to handle that conversation. I'll keep it brief.

 

After about 2 years of trickle truthing, and what I think was little effort on my FWW's part, I decided I was going to get a vasectomy. Our two kids were about 5 and 7 then, and I was 40.

 

Had none of this happened, I probably would have been thinking about getting a vasectomy anyway, but the infidelity certainly added color to the whole thing.

 

Anyway, by this point, we had obviously resumed having sex, and I came home one day and told her I had scheduled an appointment, and asked if she felt like I should cancel it.

 

She freaked out. Her initial response was fear that I was doing it " so I could go out and have my fun without worrying." To this I exploded and said something like " First off, I'm not a cheater, and secondly, even if I was I have enough self respect to use condoms." Ouch. Tears.

 

Next she suggested that I didn't want to have anymore children with her. I reminder her that we were currently using birth control because we don't want any more children, and this would just be easier. Still. Little victim mentality going on with her at this time, which I found very frustrating.

 

Finally I told her that I had though this through, and knew that I didn't want any more children ever - even if we split up and I got remarried. My boys are my boys, and I don't want any more with her or anyone else. Eventually she stopped playing the victim here and conceded that had none of her affairs happened, this would have been a productive and positive conversation, and not a ****ty one.

 

 

So there you have it. If you find yourself in this position, just know that there is a good chance that your formerly wayward spouse may see it as a stab if they haven't yet moved past their own sense of self interest.

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Don't know if any of you men in R are facing this, or are thinking about it, but I wanted to share my story just the same, so you will know how NOT to handle that conversation. I'll keep it brief.

 

After about 2 years of trickle truthing, and what I think was little effort on my FWW's part, I decided I was going to get a vasectomy. Our two kids were about 5 and 7 then, and I was 40.

 

Had none of this happened, I probably would have been thinking about getting a vasectomy anyway, but the infidelity certainly added color to the whole thing.

 

Anyway, by this point, we had obviously resumed having sex, and I came home one day and told her I had scheduled an appointment, and asked if she felt like I should cancel it.

 

She freaked out. Her initial response was fear that I was doing it " so I could go out and have my fun without worrying." To this I exploded and said something like " First off, I'm not a cheater, and secondly, even if I was I have enough self respect to use condoms." Ouch. Tears.

 

Next she suggested that I didn't want to have anymore children with her. I reminder her that we were currently using birth control because we don't want any more children, and this would just be easier. Still. Little victim mentality going on with her at this time, which I found very frustrating.

 

Finally I told her that I had though this through, and knew that I didn't want any more children ever - even if we split up and I got remarried. My boys are my boys, and I don't want any more with her or anyone else. Eventually she stopped playing the victim here and conceded that had none of her affairs happened, this would have been a productive and positive conversation, and not a ****ty one.

 

 

So there you have it. If you find yourself in this position, just know that there is a good chance that your formerly wayward spouse may see it as a stab if they haven't yet moved past their own sense of self interest.

 

There cheating was never about you. It was always about them. So I would not be a bit surprised to see that she feels your wanting to do this is a direct attack on her and what she wants in her life. Selfish people don't ever really change.

 

Is your wife seeing a counselor ?

 

Clay

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Just a funny story regarding vasectomies..My wh had a V several years ago . His idea and his choice. Several times the last few years he mentioned regretting haveing done it. Come to find out the ow who was childless wanted kids. He couldnt give them to her. They split up she gets knocked up and then he is all remorseful about the V. He even asked me if I wished he had not gotten the v. My response was I dont want anymore children do you? He said no. It is unbelievable to me. I can read between the lines.

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I have always thought my wife would stop taking her pill to try and get pregnant on purpose to anchor me in unwillingly. I think I'm in a pretty dangerous state with her and that would probably be her last ditch effort to keep me around. I'd rather slam it in a door.

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TrustedthenBusted

 

Is your wife seeing a counselor ?

 

Clay

 

Not anymore, but she did for a couple years. Both MC and IC. The MC didn't really help us much that I can see, other than having the therapist essentially parrot much of what I had already been saying.

 

But the IC actually helped her a lot. She was able to see how she and accept somethings about herself that were pretty difficult.

 

The hard part of THAT was allowing her to focus even MORE on herself at a time when I was really hurting.

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The hard part of THAT was allowing her to focus even MORE on herself at a time when I was really hurting.

 

Sounds familiar so I have to ask, like what? Was it like how Mrs. T&B might be better off without you?

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My husband did have one, he found out later, during his ex wife's affair.

 

I hope people recognize that they can be reversed or use IVF if they decide they want to have kids later on. We are currently doing IVF because of his reversal but even though it is over 10 years old was told he was a good candidate to have it reversed.

 

He said she didn't care that he had his done.

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Different story - I had a V before her affair, because I thought that my two kids is enough for me. Now, I kind of feel a bit tricked - a feeling of "very likely we won't make it through, and I'll have less to offer my next GF"-kind of thing.

 

Also started wondering what she would've done had she gotten pregnant during her affair :(

 

But the V is definitely something that plays a role in the myriad of thoughts post D-day, no matter the situation.

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Also started wondering what she would've done had she gotten pregnant during her affair :(

 

"Great news, dear - you're going to be a daddy!"

 

And an awkward silence after that.

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toolforgrowth

I had a V a couple years before ny xWW's affair. I've never once regretted it. My girlfriend has yet kids of her own, and she's just as done as I am. If anything, I've found that having a V made me even more desirable; I have built in birth control! Women LOVE that freedom. They don't have to worry about remembering to take the pill or use condoms for contraception. We get in the mood, we do it. Very simple.

 

I boast about my V. Never once had a woman say she was sorry I got one.

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I had a V a couple years before ny xWW's affair. I've never once regretted it. My girlfriend has yet kids of her own, and she's just as done as I am. If anything, I've found that having a V made me even more desirable; I have built in birth control! Women LOVE that freedom. They don't have to worry about remembering to take the pill or use condoms for contraception. We get in the mood, we do it. Very simple.

 

I boast about my V. Never once had a woman say she was sorry I got one.

 

How old are you? I'm 30 and the thought about getting a v now has crossed my mind. The only thing preventing this is being with a new person. I don't know what my path may be but I'd be open to having one more kid if the right person were to cross my path and we really talked it through.

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There cheating was never about you. It was always about them. So I would not be a bit surprised to see that she feels your wanting to do this is a direct attack on her and what she wants in her life. Selfish people don't ever really change.

 

Is your wife seeing a counselor ?

 

Clay

 

I really loathe your judgments of people who screw up. People can and do change if they want to. Just because you chose a "classy" lady for your xWW doesn't mean everyone who cheats is like her.

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"Great news, dear - you're going to be a daddy!"

 

And an awkward silence after that.

 

I'm thinking he wouldn't be such a hypocrite as to secretly have a vasectomy behind his wife's back.

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I'm thinking he wouldn't be such a hypocrite as to secretly have a vasectomy behind his wife's back.

 

I don't really see the problem with a guy getting a V done and not telling the wife beforehand (although I guess afterwards exlplaining would do in case he doesn't want to use condoms anymore). If he's done with having children, why not?

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toolforgrowth
How old are you? I'm 30 and the thought about getting a v now has crossed my mind. The only thing preventing this is being with a new person. I don't know what my path may be but I'd be open to having one more kid if the right person were to cross my path and we really talked it through.

 

I'm 35. I was 30 when I got my V. They can be reversed and there are other means to conceive you can explore, too.

 

I really think most women would prefer a sterile man to a fertile one. The freedoms are amazing.

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I'm 35. I was 30 when I got my V. They can be reversed and there are other means to conceive you can explore, too.

 

I really think most women would prefer a sterile man to a fertile one. The freedoms are amazing.

 

I think it is great when a Man takes responsibility for his own birth control. If one is unsure, don't do it. But if you know you don't want anymore kids or any at all. That is the best way to make sure it doesn't happen.

 

I would say his wife didn't react in a "cheater" way. I'd say she reacted in an overly emotional way. But she listened to reason. It is hard when you are the villain not feel every action is a slight against you.

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I don't really see the problem with a guy getting a V done and not telling the wife beforehand (although I guess afterwards exlplaining would do in case he doesn't want to use condoms anymore). If he's done with having children, why not?

 

Really you don't see a problem with a man going behind his wife's back to get a v? No sneakiness? Betrayal? Deception? Conflict avoidance there?

After all it is his bosy right? He doesn't have to tell her when he makes such a big descision that affects both of them. Smh

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toolforgrowth
Really you don't see a problem with a man going behind his wife's back to get a v? No sneakiness? Betrayal? Deception? Conflict avoidance there?

After all it is his bosy right? He doesn't have to tell her when he makes such a big descision that affects both of them. Smh

 

Yeah, I agree with this. Decisions like this are best made as a couple together. Otherwise you're just blowing off your partner's feelings and input.

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toolforgrowth
I think it is great when a Man takes responsibility for his own birth control. If one is unsure, don't do it. But if you know you don't want anymore kids or any at all. That is the best way to make sure it doesn't happen.

 

Best $5 I ever spent!

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I really loathe your judgments of people who screw up. People can and do change if they want to. Just because you chose a "classy" lady for your xWW doesn't mean everyone who cheats is like her.

 

Why do you put yourself in the same spot like that. You don't have to agree with me and I can respect that but to just come back and bash me really just doesn't make sense.

 

I of course had no idea my xW was going to cheat and be the kind of person she was as I am sure your H found out the same thing as well.

 

Blaming me for her behavior is like blaming your H for yours.

 

Spend some time reading you will see that the majority of cheaters on this site do blame thier spouse. Why do you suppose they would do that if there are so many that are truly remorseful people?

 

I wished there was more people that owned up to there choices and tried to really do better if even just for themselves but sadly that is not the way it is.

 

I do know a few people that cheated that I do feel they learned and they are much better people. I wished more people would see just how horrible this is for everyone so there would be less of it.

 

 

Clay

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TrustedthenBusted
Sounds familiar so I have to ask, like what? Was it like how Mrs. T&B might be better off without you?

 

Not at all. She tackled some issues related to her attention seeking behavior, and her constant need for approval etc. Of course, there were mommy and daddy issues to work out as well, which after a year of counseling, she talked head on, and in spectacular fashion. There were also some serious abandonment issues that had resurfaced ( long story ) and basically she had to fess up to a history of writing people off whenever they didn't show her 100% unconditional love and support.

 

She got to a point where she really sat down and said " It's ok if not everyone in the world thinks I'm amazing." Seems crazy right? But she is a woman of extraordinary beauty, and I think a lot of women like her are used to being treated a certain way, and eventually their husbands are going to just treat them like regular mortals, and they need to get used to that.

 

She would want credit and praise for things like just doing the friggen dishes or walking the dog or any myriad of things regular people do all the time. Basically she wasn't used to living in a house with someone who fully expected her to carry her own weight, and half of the kid's weight.

 

And when someone comes along and just showers her with praise with no expectations other than she take her clothes off, it was only a matter of time.

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Why do you put yourself in the same spot like that. You don't have to agree with me and I can respect that but to just come back and bash me really just doesn't make sense.

 

I of course had no idea my xW was going to cheat and be the kind of person she was as I am sure your H found out the same thing as well.

 

Blaming me for her behavior is like blaming your H for yours.

 

Spend some time reading you will see that the majority of cheaters on this site do blame thier spouse. Why do you suppose they would do that if there are so many that are truly remorseful people?

 

I wished there was more people that owned up to there choices and tried to really do better if even just for themselves but sadly that is not the way it is.

 

I do know a few people that cheated that I do feel they learned and they are much better people. I wished more people would see just how horrible this is for everyone so there would be less of it.

 

 

Clay

 

Me bashing you? You are the one who asserts over and over again that cheaters people don't change. Of course I'm not going to remain silent on that attack. How exactly did I bash you? Was what I said untrue?

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I really loathe your judgments of people who screw up. People can and do change if they want to. Just because you chose a "classy" lady for your xWW doesn't mean everyone who cheats is like her.

 

This implies its my fault I chose a cheater. Maybe you should go back and read it again. Its a horrible thing to imply. I would appreciate it if you would just stick to what you disagree with and most away from the personal statements.

 

Clay

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This implies its my fault I chose a cheater. Maybe you should go back and read it again. Its a horrible thing to imply. I would appreciate it if you would just stick to what you disagree with and most away from the personal statements.

 

Clay

 

Fair enough I get that. And I apologize for the harshness of that.

 

you should learn that your absolute statements and harsh attitude against those who have lost their way at one time in their life leads people who want to change feeling powerless and and like there is no point.

 

I was suicidal once. And it was Statements like that brought me lower. It was feeling like i didn't deserve to even be alive and my children were better off without me that I planned my suicide. I only failed due to the vigilance of my husband. Words are powerful.

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My ex had the laser vasectomy procedure done in 1998 while I was pregnant with our 2nd child. He was 25 at the time. We split up a little over a year later. He now has two children with his new wife. When she got pregnant he freaked. Thought she was cheating. Turns out, he spontaneously regenerated and was shooting live rounds. Same thing happened to my friend's ex husband when their last baby together was conceived 6 months after his was done and they were both shocked.

 

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Edited by MJJean
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