Having an affair and feeling suicidal and lost

[stupidcow]

Hi,

 

 

I am in such a bad place I have a BF of 13 years who I have a young child with but I have also been having an affair for 2 years.

 

 

I feel like I love them both in different ways -

 

 

My BF I have a deep love like a family member but I don't want to be intimate with him or even spend time with him without our child. He also has severe anger issues and I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells or scared of what mood he is likely to be in that day. This has happened on and off throughout the whole relationship. He takes drugs and has been violent a couple of times - he has also cheated in the past albeit before we had our child. He found some flirty messages a few years back between me and another male and hit me in the back and said if we split up he will make sure our child knows it's my fault. He says i'm a disappointment as a mother and i'm lazy although I work full time and help with his business along with caring for my disabled parents.

 

 

The man I am having an affair with I also feel like I love - we have a lot of common interests and there is so much passion there. Although we have no trust for each other. This man is single and has no children or responsibilities he has blown hot and cold over the 2 years but the last 6 months has declared his love for me and desperately wants me to leave my BF.

 

 

I suffered with PND when my child was born and have been on anti depressants for 5 years now. I feel like I'm going mad - I feel like there is no way out. I think about cutting myself or running away - I think about suicide. But I know I would not go ahead as my mother attempted suicide when I was a teenager and it really affected me (my father had multiple affairs) and I grew up in a very unhappy household full of hate and depression.

 

 

I am on medication but I can't see a way out except suicide - I cant do this to my boy. I feel that I am a disgusting person and whatever I do will hurt someone. I am scared I love my child but the feeling of guilt inside me is overwhelming as I am such a useless mother I have let him down so much. I feel like everyone would be better off without me here.

 

 

I haven't told anyone this - I was signed off work with depression last year but I can't do this again as I cant lose my job and my BF would get angry with me.

 

 

I cant discuss this with my family as my sister is in an abusive relationship, my Mum suffers from depression, fybro and me and my Dad in rehab after having his 6th stroke - I cant see a way out and I need help.

[Rainbowlove]

The way out is one step at a time, one day at a time.

 

Break it down to very small goals. You have a lot going on.

 

I understand that ending your life seems like the only option, but you have many, many other choices.

 

Neither relationship sounds very heathy. Your BF abusive. Your AP blows hot and cold.

 

Your focus should not be on a man. It should be on your own wellness and your boy.

 

Are you seeing a counselor? Group therapy?

 

You have too many stressors to be dealing with this alone. Your boy needs you to keep trying and to stick around.

[stupidcow]

I was sent for counselling through my doctor but the counseller said nothing just stared at me and I felt uncomfortable. I think I need to go privately but its so expensive and there is so many diff types I feel confused.

 

 

I have a lot of mental problems going on I am extremely insecure and I suffer from anxiety and depression. I feel like i'm trying to stay strong but I cant hold on any longer.

 

 

I know my relationship is abusive but he said the other day he was leaving and I was physically sick. I am so confused everyone I get involved with gets cursed.

[Rainbowlove]

Then you need to find another counslor. Keep looking until you find the right one.

 

My own mother is bat shyt crazy. I'm not kidding. She's on about 15 different medications. 15 years ago she attempted suicide. She has since committed to her own care. While she needs extensive meds and counseling, she goes weekly. She does what she needs to do to stay safe and alive.

 

You can overcome. Help is out there. Do not give up. Do not stop until you figure out what works for you.

 

Who will your boy be left with if you are not around to care for him?

[stupidcow]

He is the only reason I am still here - I still remember calling the ambulance when my mum overdosed and I have still not totally forgiven her but now I understand.

[Ralph79]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope life presents you with the answers you seek.

 

I'm glad you've realized your mom fought to stay alive for you. You owe your son the same courtesy.

 

Life is complicated. Unique for all of us. Presents us with challenges. What you do and how you handle life's hurdles will forever be etched in your son's mind.

 

Fight.

 

Fight for your son. Fight to show him that even in the bleakest, darkest moments, there's always hope. There's always a solution. You lived it once in your family. Try and make it better for your son so he may escape your fate.

[Selfish]

The best way to fight suicidal thoughts is action. Which is the hardest thing to do when depressed. But taking little steps as said is what will help you. My advice is ignore all the noise (the ap, family, ect) and focus on getting out of your marriage. Seek help for being in an abusive relationship. Focus on finding a group for that or a shelter.

[Cinnimon]

I can't bring myself to address you by your chosen username so I'm just going to call you honey.

Honey, you have a child who loves you and looks up to you, you know this. Don't give up on you because you will be giving up on him and I KNOW you do not want to do that.I think you are scared, tired and hurting?

 

You seem to have come from a very dysfunctional family and it's continuing on into YOUR adult life. You can break this cycle. You say you are insecure. Is this why you stay with an abusive husband honey?

 

What does your "perfect" life look like to you?

[stupidcow]

I am tired and hurting - I just want some normality.

 

 

I don't understand why other people can break free from relationships but I can't.

 

 

It's like once someone is in my heart I can never let them go ever the thought makes me want to die even when they treat me bad it's not normal.

 

 

I try to make every one happy but by doing this all I do is hurt everyone - I feel like I'm poison. the pressure is building up inside me and I'm losing the plot.

 

 

I know my BF is abusive but I made him that way - he takes drugs cos of the way I make him feel cos I don't want sex with him anymore he says he feels like hes not a man. I have ruined his life.

[Selfish]

I am tired and hurting - I just want some normality.

 

 

I don't understand why other people can break free from relationships but I can't.

 

 

It's like once someone is in my heart I can never let them go ever the thought makes me want to die even when they treat me bad it's not normal.

 

 

I try to make every one happy but by doing this all I do is hurt everyone - I feel like I'm poison. the pressure is building up inside me and I'm losing the plot.

 

 

I know my BF is abusive but I made him that way - he takes drugs cos of the way I make him feel cos I don't want sex with him anymore he says he feels like hes not a man. I have ruined his life.

 

You are not responsible for your bf's actions. He is an adult who makes his own choices.

 

Stop being a victim. A victim to your thoughts and feelings. Make choices that are positive.

 

It will hurt but you'll make it. Nobody dies from removing an unhealthy relationship from their life. Focusing on that is just dramatic.

 

Seek help if you fear he will get violent. There are plenty of places that offer support for that.

[Ralph79]

I know my BF is abusive but I made him that way - he takes drugs cos of the way I make him feel cos I don't want sex with him anymore he says he feels like hes not a man. I have ruined his life.

 

I am so confused everyone I get involved with gets cursed.

 

Please understand that you didn't cause those things.

 

My ex-wife shattered my dreams and destroyed my confidence. She aborted the only child we were expecting and left me to be with her xBF, not to mention confessing that she only married me years earlier to see how much alimony she could get.

 

Did I go on a drug binge? Did I start drinking? Did I ever raise my hand and hit her?

 

No. I did not.

 

She can't make me a loser. I dealt with adversity on my own terms.

 

The people around you aren't good people. You didn't turn them into that. You simply picked lousy friends to build a life around. Surround yourself with people who are good to you and good to themselves.

[Selfish]

Please understand that you didn't cause those things.

 

My ex-wife shattered my dreams and destroyed my confidence. She aborted the only child we were expecting and left me to be with her xBF, not to mention confessing that she only married me years earlier to see how much alimony she could get.

 

Did I go on a drug binge? Did I start drinking? Did I ever raise my hand and hit her?

 

No. I did not.

 

She can't make me a loser. I dealt with adversity on my own terms.

 

The people around you aren't good people. You didn't turn them into that. You simply picked lousy friends to build a life around. Surround yourself with people who are good to you and good to themselves.

 

And do this so your son grows up with good people around him too.

[HereNorThere]

Suicidal thoughts, self harm, patterns of unstable relationships, etc. are all part of the bigger picture of your mental illness. It doesn't excuse your actions, but it does help make more sense of them.

 

At some point, you have to have accountability. We all have our issues we have to deal with and right now you aren't dealing with them. If you have to go check yourself into the hospital, do it. Tell them exactly how you feel and that you do not feel safe being alone.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but at some point you will have to pick yourself up and make things right. You can start by putting one foot in front of the other and taking yourself for emergency medical care.

[A.Moscote]

Sorry for such a complicated situation, hope you can find the strength and self-constraint not to aggravate it further. Be patient and remember, as rainbow said, one step at a time.

 

Hence, imo, that immediate steps for you should be towards managing your mental well-being, esp with the stresses & depressions, & towards preserving your job security.

 

Those two are the most basic aspects to guarantee your independence (whether that is what you want or just as a safety net) and ultimately a better life.

 

...has declared his love for me and desperately wants me to leave my BF.

Be careful of such man, and of such love, of such desperate love. (Can I hastily declared that it sounds unloving of him actually?).

It is easy for him to ask that of you...to leave and be with him? Huh what a shivering thought.

 

I feel that I am a disgusting person and whatever I do will hurt someone.

I try to make every one happy but by doing this all I do is hurt everyone

Don't be scared of hurting someone, not saying that you should recklessly do so, but sometimes that is the only way to move forward honorably. Do what is right first, then you will have the chance to be happy.

 

You can get through this, many have before you, don't lose hope.

Again, be patient, and good luck honey.

[stupidcow]

I appreciate all these replies.

 

 

I know I sound pathetic I really do and I know I need to get stronger and take actions but I need help to get there as I'm mentally not right.

 

 

I need to call the doctors first thing tomorrow and tell them how im feeling only prob I do hold back as I don't want to be signed off work again - I do have a good career and I don't want to ruin that.

 

 

I think I need to move far far away and become a new person but that's just a fantasy.

 

 

I don't know im rambling.

 

 

I don't deserve sympathy I chose to have an affair I am an inherently selfish person. I'd like to close my heart to everyone except my boy and never get in a situation like this again x

[Selfish]

I appreciate all these replies.

 

 

I know I sound pathetic I really do and I know I need to get stronger and take actions but I need help to get there as I'm mentally not right.

 

 

I need to call the doctors first thing tomorrow and tell them how im feeling only prob I do hold back as I don't want to be signed off work again - I do have a good career and I don't want to ruin that.

 

 

I think I need to move far far away and become a new person but that's just a fantasy.

 

 

I don't know im rambling.

 

 

I don't deserve sympathy I chose to have an affair I am an inherently selfish person. I'd like to close my heart to everyone except my boy and never get in a situation like this again x

 

Taking action is what you need. Small actions. And seeking help for abuse as well as your mental health is actions. Posting on here was an action. Just keep moving.

[stupidcow]

Thank you I cannot express how much I appreciate all that have replied to me I felt at the end tonight with no one to talk to you have helped me out of a dark tunnel I was heading down.

[Cinnimon]

Honey, you are not poison. You are strong! Look at you reaching out on here asking for help from strangers. That is scary right? But here you are.

Honey, you have got to stop the negative self talk. You are your own worst enemy with it.

You have a good career. How do you suppose that happened? YOU, that's how.

You DO NOT make your husband abusive PLEASE TRUST THAT!

Like I said it seems you've had a pretty tough start in life but YOU can change that. My mom abused me as a child. I grew up a piece keeper because of it. I wouldn't say no or speak up for myself for anything because as a child I learned that if I didn't keep my mom happy, I would be beat. I felt unloveable.I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved or happy, it was my job to do that for everyone else. I carried it into my adult life. I had to change that in myself and it was not easy BUT I knew I had to so I could break the cycle.

YOU, honey, need to feel loved, loved by YOU first and then you will feel loved by others and NOT dysfunctional abusive love either, real love.

[truncated]

Op,

This next statement may sound weird until yu understand the context.

 

Right now if I were you, I wouldn't trust my feelings. Depression lies to you, and the ;ens you see the world through is not accurate right now.

 

All the stress you are under is likely exacerbating your mental health issues, which clouds your judgement even more. it's a vicious cycle that can be hard to break. It also sounds as if you have a history of depression/ mental illness in your family, which can be pssed down. The good news is that you know that, and taht may mean taht you ae able to stay one step ahead f the lies.

 

A couple of thoughts...

 

First, you say you have thought about suicide? Does that mean you have a plan or that, in your darkest moments, the thought crosses your mind?

 

Either way, have you considered calling a crisis line in your area? they will listen to you without judging, and sometimes just getting that different perspective can be helpful. they can also put you in touch with services in your area who can help.

 

If you are taking meds, have you thought about getting them adjusted? That may be helpful, as will finding a therapist.

 

If you have a plan in place to harm yourslef, I urge you to call urgent care or 911.

 

I'm not, in any way, judgig you for your thoughts about ahrming yourself, but it sounds like you know your son needs you, and are using that as your anhor to stay in this world.Don't listen to the lies depression will whisper to you, listen to the part of you that loves your son and wants him to ahve the best posisble life with his mom being there for him every step of the way. Put your black dog to heel.

[loveboid]

You're not alone. There are other people in abusive situations like yours and they feel the same as you. It's not your fault.

 

I would look up traumatic bonding. I think this is part of the reason why you have a difficult time leaving...besides the fact that your husband threatens you with more abuse if you leave.

 

In other cultures when people get depressed they don't put them in a little room and have them talk about their depressing life. Your husband is abusing you! You are depressed because your husband is depressing...it makes total sense! I am of the opinion that this depression has nothing to do with you but with your situation. Other cultures would have you dance and sing to lift your spirits. I recommend the same...listen to happy music. Exercise! You will find the strength to get out of your depressing situation.

[harrybrown]

Hope you can find some peace. Stay strong for your child.

 

Your child really needs you.

 

This is help online for the hopeless thoughts. Please for your child's sake, get some help.

 

Maybe take a step back from all the stress. Just for a day each day try to find some peace.

 

Have the A and a scary spouse can be too much stress. If you have a minister or someone like that, you and your H could get some council. Try to get enough sleep and figure out what you can change to feel better about yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Babs22]

OP,

My heart goes out to you and what you are facing. My 16 year old son suffers from depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia. I agree with one of the previous posters, don't listen to your depression. It is giving you a very distorted view of the situation. I watch my son when he is depressed, holding him as he says no one loves him or he doesn't have any friends. It is far from true, but he cannot see it. Please call a Help Line or 911 if your suicidal thoughts get worse. There is help out there for you. Do it for your son. I know I would be heartbroken if anything happened to my son. I know he has a lot to deal with, as do you, but I need him here just like your son needs you.

You are in an abusive relationship with your husband; mentally, emotionally and physically. This is extremely unhealthy for you and your son. Please get counseling. Talk to others about how to get out of that relationship. You are not responsible for anything he is doing. He has made the choices himself.

 

Stay strong, you can do these it, one step at a time. Hugz

[truncated]

OP,

My heart goes out to you and what you are facing. My 16 year old son suffers from depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia. I agree with one of the previous posters, don't listen to your depression. It is giving you a very distorted view of the situation. I watch my son when he is depressed, holding him as he says no one loves him or he doesn't have any friends. It is far from true, but he cannot see it. Please call a Help Line or 911 if your suicidal thoughts get worse. There is help out there for you. Do it for your son. I know I would be heartbroken if anything happened to my son. I know he has a lot to deal with, as do you, but I need him here just like your son needs you.

You are in an abusive relationship with your husband; mentally, emotionally and physically. This is extremely unhealthy for you and your son. Please get counseling. Talk to others about how to get out of that relationship. You are not responsible for anything he is doing. He has made the choices himself.

 

Stay strong, you can do these it, one step at a time. Hugz

 

I saw my daughter go from someone who was happy enough and having a decent life to someone who herd the lies so much and fought so hard until she just couldn't anymore.

 

Op, your on needs you here, but just as important, h needs you whole. It's hard, tiring, and painful to fight, but you sound like a strong perosn who could use a little extra help right now.

[Lovebug66]

Oh sweetie, your post just broke my heart. I saw a lot of myself in your words. You did not make your bf this way. I used to take all the blame for my H's drug use, abuse, screw ups too until I started getting better.

 

You must feel totally overwhelmed and it is so hard to get started when everything seems like the priority. For me, once I started taking care of me first (which seemed so selfish, the world was ending and I need to take care of myself?), the other things started falling into place. I thought with a clearer mind, and the impossible didn't seem so impossible anymore. Little steps add up, don't feel you need to run.

 

I have a few suggestions, take what you'd like and leave the rest.

 

AlAnon is a great support group for people who have a loved one addicted to a substance. It has helped me immensely regain my sense of self, inner peace, an ability to trust myself, my decisions, what my part is or isn't. And it's free!

 

If you have a local university, see if they offer therapy services. Ours offered sessions with students in their last year and IMO they are really engaged, eager to help. It is also way cheaper, I paid $15 a session, well worth it.

 

Three books that have had a huge impact on me - Codependant No More, How AlAnon Works, and Why Does he do That? All gave me a much better understanding of what was happening in my life.

 

Big hugs to you, I promise you things can get better ❤

[Chi townD]

Well, a couple of things to consider. First, you need to go to a doctor and see about getting on anti-depressants. No reason for ending your life. Yeah, you put yourself in a bad position, but it's not worth ending everything for it. So, go see a doctor.

 

 

Second, if your boyfriend is that abusive, then leave. It's that simple. Leave. Hell, there are 1500 battered women's shelters in the US and Canada alone. And I know they have them all over the place in Europe. You've got places you can go!

 

 

He's expecting it anyway. You say that he does drugs and has a lot of anger issues. I'm going to take a stab at it and say it's gotten worse in the last two years. And here's the rub, you think that you are fantastic about hiding your affair, but the thing is HE KNOWS!!! He may not know that you're cheating on him, but he knows something is going on with you. I mean, he's been with you a long time and even has a kid with you. Therefore, he knows enough about you to know that something isn't right. You've disengaged from him, you aren't intimate with him anymore. Probably don't show him love and affection because you reserve that for someone else and you probably guard your phone like Fort Knox and NEVER leave it laying around.

 

 

Or, he probably knows your cheating on him and he's in denial. He might be afraid to say anything for fear of losing his family. So, he internalizes it. And masks the pain he's feeling with booze and drugs. But, sometimes that pain comes out and he slash out at you with the humiliation and name calling because he wants you to feel the pain that he has. So, he might be sticking around and hoping that your affair will run it's course and you can go back to being a family again.

 

 

Oh, and your affair partner isn't your knight in shining armor either. He's currently sleeping with a woman that he knows is already in another relationship and has a family. That's not an honorable guy. And I think that's one of the reasons that you haven't left your boyfriend for this guy is because you KNOW that he's not that serious with you. He's hasn't given you any reason to believe that he'll dedicate himself to you 100% until recently. But, you even wrote that he thinks you should leave your boyfriend. I don't believe you wrote that he told you to leave your boyfriend for HIM! Hence, I believe that he's got no problem sleeping with you, but isn't doing cartwheels about playing house with a ready made family. And if you go to him, there's and old saying around here, "If he's willing to cheat with you, then he's got no problem cheating on you".

 

 

So, my impression on this situation. First and foremost, see a doctor and talk to someone about these suicidal thoughts you're having. Killing yourself isn't the answer. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

 

Either leave your boyfriend or drop the affair partner. Personally, I think you should drop the affair partner and/or even both of them. The AP is in it because he's getting a steady piece of ass. And you're giving it to him because he's giving you the attention and affection that you're craving from your boyfriend. Dollars to donuts if you cut off the sex with the AP, he'd probably toss you to the curb after a while. He really hasn't got anything to lose or anything invested with you. He knows that if he can't get it from you, he can get it from someone else. Funny how the boyfriend is hanging in there, isn't it?

 

 

Then, if you decide to try and work things out with your boyfriend. Then, you need to get into individual counseling AND couples counseling. Now, here's the hard part. You're going to have to tell him what's been going on the last two years. I strongly advise you to do it in public or in the counselor's office if you have any fear of what he might do. Don't tell him unless you have an escape plan ready. Meaning, that if he starts to go sideways on you, you have a safe place to go until things cool down. But, I strongly speculate that he knows. Will he be hurt, angry and pissed? YEP! But, I think he knows.

 

 

If you decide to working things out with the father of your child, you can never talk to the AP ever again. You have to let him go. Ignore him and everything. You cannot reconcile if your in contact with your AP. It doesn't work.

 

 

Or your final option is to walk away from both of them. Your boyfriend is constantly angry and your AP is complicating your life. Take your kid and walk away. Start focusing and fixing YOU and your life.