VeryBrokenMan Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 What is the common thinking on disclosing an affair to adult children (in their 20's) if you are trying to reconcile? Good or bad? What was the response if you have done it? Did you see any benefits? Link to post Share on other sites
Gofsttrnlft Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It was decided that she would tell our kids after d-day. All three of our kids were in their 20's. I didn't want them to know to embarrass the wife, but so they wouldn't wonder what was wrong. They were angry at the wife for awhile, they all three still treat both of us with love and respect. The biggest benefit I would say is that when I am having a bad day, week, etc. they know that a hug and I love you is the most helpful they can be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 they know roughly what went on - and that it happened on both side. They know we are in counseling and working to save our marriage. They see us very affectionate with each other. They see us not giving up. Our 21 year old daughter knew right away. She came home from college and we were all driving to a restaurant. Someone cut in front of hubby and she said, "OMG, what is wrong with Dad? What is going on? He doesn't have road rage." This was after my affair when his anger was very focused on the nuclear bomb I just exploded in our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 They know that something is going on and will let them to be there to help you when you are hurting. Best to have a sit down all together. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I think telling them is the best. However, if the plan really is reconciliation, then HOW you tell them is crucial. Resist the urge to do the whole "stick to the 'ho" thing. That won't help reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Good or bad? I'll be the dissenting voice, it's none of their business. Has nothing to do with the parent/child relationship which is the interface you should be concerned with... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I agree with Mr. Lucky. I see absolutely no reason to tell the adult children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 I wouldn't tell them about TRYING. Now if you are actually successful, then yes. But there's no reason to get their hopes up (or frighten them, depending on how your relationship was) for a maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 How many of the intimate details of your own parents' marriage would you want to know? Most kids don't want to know too much about mom & dad; it's just icky. Tell them generalizations like there was fault on both sides but you are working together to resolve things & keep your marriage together. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 I'll be the dissenting voice, it's none of their business. Has nothing to do with the parent/child relationship which is the interface you should be concerned with... absolutely agree but further: what do you gain by telling: child is already on your side: now has hate towards S. child is not: well S deserved that attention and now that child has hate to you for dragging them in. R is hard enough without getting children involved. this appears to be nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to embarrass your S. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 My adult relationship is none of my child's business. I think it is ok to say you are having an issue but not to give details. Unless you are willing to open the door to all discussion about the failures in your relationship, keep it to yourself and work it out privately. If someone told my kids I had engaged in an affair it would open the discussion about why I felt justified, whether logical ore not. My guy's ex told his child about the affair. He could have told her the reasons he was so lonely (no sex for twelve years, no emotional connection, she is a drunk). He took the high road, trying to preserve a at least some of his ex wife's dignity, even tho she did not afford him the same courtesy. In the end his daughter has more respect for her father trying to protect her from the fallout and not treat her like she was the third party in the relationship. She has less respect for her mother and even tho she is an adult did not want to be privy to every facet of their marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 In my case my kids KNEW something was wrong. And for me to lie would be harmful to them. I was done mind-fu@king any other person. They deserved to know the basics and it also brought their Dad and I off the pedestal they had us on. It normalized us and it set an example for not giving up in the marriage but that marriage is work. I do not regret it at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 My guy's ex told his child about the affair. He could have told her the reasons he was so lonely (no sex for twelve years, no emotional connection, she is a drunk). He took the high road, trying to preserve a at least some of his ex wife's dignity, even tho she did not afford him the same courtesy. In the end his daughter has more respect for her father trying to protect her from the fallout and not treat her like she was the third party in the relationship. She has less respect for her mother and even tho she is an adult did not want to be privy to every facet of their marriage. In my case my kids KNEW something was wrong. And for me to lie would be harmful to them. I was done mind-fu@king any other person. They deserved to know the basics and it also brought their Dad and I off the pedestal they had us on. It normalized us and it set an example for not giving up in the marriage but that marriage is work. I do not regret it at all. You both make good points. I can see harmony in them too. My WW's mother cheated on her father and then there was a divorce. Neither my WW nor her sister gave two sh*ts about the A, since the father never disparaged the mother. The mother though, always spouting off about what a bad person the father was, that turned them both off. Mother has some very valid points about the father, in my opinion as a third party observer. However, the kids don't want to hear about it from the other parent. It just drives them to sympathize with the disparaged but non-disparaging parent. So sure, acknowledge the facts of the A to your children, if they know or will find out anyway. Do not try to get them to take your side or disparage the WS. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 It's an opportunity to be honest with your children, and even teach them a thing or two about how if a relaitonship is worth having, it's worth fighting for. I'm not talking about getting into all the down and dirty details, more that if the kids know something is up- and many can tell when their parents are upset inspite of what some people think- then being honest with them can have bennifits. It doesn't have to be anything more than "we're going through a rough patch right now, but we're are comited to working through our problems. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Seachan Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Absolutely the children have a right to know the facts of the their parent's A. Don't believe for a second that the "nuclear bomb detonated on the marriage" doesn't profoundly affect the children of the marriage. As kids, we know that the fall-out is ugly - whether because BS is enraged and triggering, or because the WS is engulfed by shame. Unless we've been told *why* we assume that the reason mom or dad is miserable is because we (the kids) have done something wrong. We are unloveable. We are unwanted. We are at fault. Imagine going through life not knowing what it was you did wrong. Could have been anything. It's hard to negotiate life when up is down and down is up. Very confusing for the kids. My BS dad, I believe, tried to shield my WS mom from the worse of his anger - but instead directed his anger at us kids. Imagine how damaging that was. Especially for my brother, the suspected OC. Every time he did anything naughty-kid like - he was punished. It screwed his ability as an adult to find empathy for others. As for myself, I was closed off to my father for decades because of his temper. Had I only understood that the rage he felt was a *normal* consequence of my mother's betrayal, we might have found a way to salvage some semblance of a relationship - especially after my mother's death. But he never told me his side of the story. I only had her version of the A, and her manipulations to keep me close to her. The Truth will set us free. Please don't deny your kids the truth. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Adult children - none of their business. Actual children shouldn't be lied to. Tell as much as is appropriate for their age. Wife told daughter about her affair. I didn't want to because I felt ashamed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Absolutely the children have a right to know the facts of the their parent's A. Don't believe for a second that the "nuclear bomb detonated on the marriage" doesn't profoundly affect the children of the marriage. As kids, we know that the fall-out is ugly - whether because BS is enraged and triggering, or because the WS is engulfed by shame. Unless we've been told *why* we assume that the reason mom or dad is miserable is because we (the kids) have done something wrong. We are unloveable. We are unwanted. We are at fault. Imagine going through life not knowing what it was you did wrong. Could have been anything. It's hard to negotiate life when up is down and down is up. Very confusing for the kids. My BS dad, I believe, tried to shield my WS mom from the worse of his anger - but instead directed his anger at us kids. Imagine how damaging that was. Especially for my brother, the suspected OC. Every time he did anything naughty-kid like - he was punished. It screwed his ability as an adult to find empathy for others. As for myself, I was closed off to my father for decades because of his temper. Had I only understood that the rage he felt was a *normal* consequence of my mother's betrayal, we might have found a way to salvage some semblance of a relationship - especially after my mother's death. But he never told me his side of the story. I only had her version of the A, and her manipulations to keep me close to her. The Truth will set us free. Please don't deny your kids the truth. Taking that kind of anger out on your children is not *normal*. This to me jusr says your father ovbiously needed intense therapy. I went through a very ugly divorce many years ago. The first thing the therapist told me was to never say anything negative about the other parent. And never once did i take out my frustrations on my children. There are times when personal issues are just that... personal. If you want to change the relationship your children have with their parents, go ahead and bring them into the problems. There is not a thing wrong with telling kids, adult or children, tjat their parents are having issues and are working on them. It is not the child's business. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Absolutely the children have a right to know the facts of the their parent's A. Don't believe for a second that the "nuclear bomb detonated on the marriage" doesn't profoundly affect the children of the marriage. As kids, we know that the fall-out is ugly - whether because BS is enraged and triggering, or because the WS is engulfed by shame. Unless we've been told *why* we assume that the reason mom or dad is miserable is because we (the kids) have done something wrong. We are unloveable. We are unwanted. We are at fault. Imagine going through life not knowing what it was you did wrong. Could have been anything. It's hard to negotiate life when up is down and down is up. Very confusing for the kids. My BS dad, I believe, tried to shield my WS mom from the worse of his anger - but instead directed his anger at us kids. Imagine how damaging that was. Especially for my brother, the suspected OC. Every time he did anything naughty-kid like - he was punished. It screwed his ability as an adult to find empathy for others. As for myself, I was closed off to my father for decades because of his temper. Had I only understood that the rage he felt was a *normal* consequence of my mother's betrayal, we might have found a way to salvage some semblance of a relationship - especially after my mother's death. But he never told me his side of the story. I only had her version of the A, and her manipulations to keep me close to her. The Truth will set us free. Please don't deny your kids the truth. Was it determined if your brother was an OC? Did your brother find out BH/dad suspected he was an OC? Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Adult children - none of their business. Actual children shouldn't be lied to. Tell as much as is appropriate for their age. Wife told daughter about her affair. I didn't want to because I felt ashamed. My WW had a son when we married ..(2 yrs at that time)...was 24-25 at D_DAY....In a very short time after that he knew something was dreadfully wrong... My WW had eluded to her family...There was something" wrong with me."..I maybe was the one having the Affair.... AS you may or may not know ..I had outed the OM/HER BOSS to his BW...in turn he gave me pics of my WW engaged in sex acts with him as revenge.. She did not know I had the pics at that time...Her Mom and Dad questioned me and basically accused me of betraying her.. I told them I had concrete proof it was her and I had it in hand.... Her mom said to me "you are a Godda*n liar" you come prove it to us.. My words to her " I have this evidence but if you look at it you are going to become Undone and there will no coming back from it" She called me a liar again....so I showed them ..and yes it was as horrible as you can imagine...we all cried..as sad of a day as D-DAY to me... Our son NEVER viewed the pics nor knew of their exisitence ...but his Grandparents did not lie to him and confirmed to him it was his mom not I who engaged in a Affair.. He stayed with me for the last year and will barely speak to his mom...(I insist he be polite and respectful)..but he is in I/C and hopefully will one day see she was a broken person that NONE of us saw at the time.. He has learned in I/C that he nor I are the blame ..the choice and blame lay with my WW..(his Mom).. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Taking that kind of anger out on your children is not *normal*. This to me jusr says your father ovbiously needed intense therapy. You'd be amazed at how many people WANT their kids to hate the WS. I get it intellectually, but it's hugely unhealthy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 You'd be amazed at how many people WANT their kids to hate the WS. I get it intellectually, but it's hugely unhealthy. I find that more selfish than the actual affair, to want to do that to a child. Talk about ruining someone's life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 I find that more selfish than the actual affair, to want to do that to a child. Talk about ruining someone's life. It's called using a child as a pawn, and it is passive abuse. Period. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 My WW had a son when we married ..(2 yrs at that time)...was 24-25 at D_DAY....In a very short time after that he knew something was dreadfully wrong... My WW had eluded to her family...There was something" wrong with me."..I maybe was the one having the Affair.... AS you may or may not know ..I had outed the OM/HER BOSS to his BW...in turn he gave me pics of my WW engaged in sex acts with him as revenge.. She did not know I had the pics at that time...Her Mom and Dad questioned me and basically accused me of betraying her.. I told them I had concrete proof it was her and I had it in hand.... Her mom said to me "you are a Godda*n liar" you come prove it to us.. My words to her " I have this evidence but if you look at it you are going to become Undone and there will no coming back from it" She called me a liar again....so I showed them ..and yes it was as horrible as you can imagine...we all cried..as sad of a day as D-DAY to me... Our son NEVER viewed the pics nor knew of their exisitence ...but his Grandparents did not lie to him and confirmed to him it was his mom not I who engaged in a Affair.. He stayed with me for the last year and will barely speak to his mom...(I insist he be polite and respectful)..but he is in I/C and hopefully will one day see she was a broken person that NONE of us saw at the time.. He has learned in I/C that he nor I are the blame ..the choice and blame lay with my WW..(his Mom).. This child needed the truth. The truth did not harm him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted February 7, 2015 Share Posted February 7, 2015 In my case my kids KNEW something was wrong. And for me to lie would be harmful to them. I was done mind-fu@king any other person. They deserved to know the basics and it also brought their Dad and I off the pedestal they had us on. It normalized us and it set an example for not giving up in the marriage but that marriage is work. I do not regret it at all. That's the point. What do the adult kids already know. Do they know that you were breaking up? Do they already know details? The more they know, the more important it is to level with them. They don't need details, but they do need to know what is going on. If they know nothing (I think that's unlikely) then perhaps you do not have to tell them anything. But if R breaks down, they need to be warned that a divorce is immanent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
happy2B Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) I'll be the dissenting voice, it's none of their business. Has nothing to do with the parent/child relationship which is the interface you should be concerned with... Mr. Lucky As the adult kid who was told sometimes I wish I hadn't been told but on the other hand it did make sense of a lot of things. It is a sore spot as they "celebrated" their 50th anniversary and he acts like they were always happy but you know he never did anything to really make it right. In my opinion (as the kid) the WS should only tell if they are ready to own up to their mistakes and make it right. If there will be rug sweeping, skip it. I wish I didn't see my mom as this push over who let her man run her over and I wish I could see my dad as the good dad he was instead of the selfish man he is. Edited February 11, 2015 by happy2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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