Time to let go

[Red123]

I have been working with my H to salvage this relationship for over a year now and things are good. In fact better than I thought they would be. I find myself still thinking of the MOW almost daily. I don't look her up or anything like that but I do think of her pretty much everyday still. My H let her go over a year ago. When I tell him I need to let her go and ask how he did it so quickly his answer is pretty straightforward. He says it was a horrible time in our lives, it was very short and he has no feelings for her. He states the only feelings he has is that he can't believe he did this, and that she is irrelevant now in his mind. So basically I am keeping her relevant, which I am not proud of. She hasn't attempted any contact since April of 2014 and yet here I am. Any tips for letting her go would be appreciated.

[Confused48]

So do you have ANY reason to still feel unsafe? Not letting go is sometimes a protective reflex. To remind you that you are in danger. Don't try to let go if you are in danger.

 

If you are not in danger then simply focusing on the fact you are safe, should help with the letting go. Every time you think of OW then at the same time remind yourself that you are safe and she can't hurt you again.

[Red123]

Interesting. I don't have a reason to feel unsafe. It is over for sure, I think it's my pride. The fact that she was with him at all really bothers me even though she's nothing amazing. Maybe part of it is I know I wasn't good to him then and my ego can't take that even for a short time she was. I'm not sure.

[MJJean]

Have you tried changing how you think? For example, when she comes into your mind you reject the thought and immediately direct your mind toward something else. If you do that consistently you will think of her less and less.

 

It's one thing to have a thought cross your mind. It's another thing to entertain that thought. The trick is not to entertain thoughts of her, to nip them in the bud, until your mind naturally no longer goes there.

[Red123]

I haven't yet. But it's worth a shot. Thanks

[snappytomcat]

hi red

im glad to hear things are going well for you

my husband basically said the same thing about the XOW,it was me who couldn't let go,let me just say this when you do let go,its such a great feeling like an anchor off my back,once in a great while I do get triggered but that's not as often,and I do realize when I used to think about her constantly,was basically out of boredom to much free time.

I have a great job now,and I exercise daily,and I still do my volunteer work with the homeless,and the humane society,and well my husband has been great,my whole family has

good luck red!!

[Satu]

There is another way of dealing with intrusive thoughts. Rather than resisting the thought (which can create tension), you allow yourself to focus on it for 2-3 minutes when it comes to mind.

 

The logic is that by not resisting the thought, you defuse the conflict and resistance, and it loses its power and significance.

 

That works quite well in some cases.

[Spectre]

I guess just with me..people speak of feeling safe or unsafe, I assume you mean safe from more cheating. Well, for me it is like..once it happens once, doesn't that forever mean you will never be 100% safe from it again? Sort of like when you have an object made of glass that shatters. Even if you put all the pieces back together again completely, it's never going to be as 100% stable as it once was.

[Red123]

I guess just with me..people speak of feeling safe or unsafe, I assume you mean safe from more cheating. Well, for me it is like..once it happens once, doesn't that forever mean you will never be 100% safe from it again? Sort of like when you have an object made of glass that shatters. Even if you put all the pieces back together again completely, it's never going to be as 100% stable as it once was.

 

I actually feel safer believe it or not. This is now out and on the table boundaries are laid out and we both know what would happen if this happened again. We started very young together and didn't communicate well. We do now and things are different. I understand you have a hard line for once a cheater always a cheater, I don't. I don't feel unsafe, this thread was about me still focussing on someone who is not in my life anymore.

[Rainbowlove]

I actually feel safer believe it or not. This is now out and on the table boundaries are laid out and we both know what would happen if this happened again. We started very young together and didn't communicate well. We do now and things are different. I understand you have a hard line for once a cheater always a cheater, I don't. I don't feel unsafe, this thread was about me still focussing on someone who is not in my life anymore.

 

She's not in your life anymore, but the feelings she represents may still be with you.

 

When you think of her, what are you thinking? What are you feeling when you think of her?

 

Is it anger? Fear? Sadness? Pity?

 

Why do you think you are hanging on to her and the affair?

[Red123]

She's not in your life anymore, but the feelings she represents may still be with you.

 

When you think of her, what are you thinking? What are you feeling when you think of her?

 

Is it anger? Fear? Sadness? Pity?

 

Why do you think you are hanging on to her and the affair?

 

Your right she isn't in my life. I think I feel anger sadness and some pity. I am one of those people who needs to try to understand others. I can't understand her and it drives me crazy. I guess I am holding onto this affair, I don't know why. It's not logical. Things are better and I no longer feel the intense pain. So I need to let this go. Just not sure how.

[Rainbowlove]

Your right she isn't in my life. I think I feel anger sadness and some pity. I am one of those people who needs to try to understand others. I can't understand her and it drives me crazy. I guess I am holding onto this affair, I don't know why. It's not logical. Things are better and I no longer feel the intense pain. So I need to let this go. Just not sure how.

 

I'm like you, I process the hell out of things to try to understand.

 

What has worked for me is talking. Talking until I can't stand the sound of my own voice.

 

Are you in IC?

 

Journal. Talk with H. Share your thoughts. Don't bottle then inside.

 

You may never fully understand, but until you get to that place of accepting that, keep trying.

 

Any chance your are a Gemini?

 

Be kind to yourself. I think it's normal to a degree, but you have to find what works for you.

 

Meditation? Yoga? Exercise? New hobbies?

[MJJean]

Your right she isn't in my life. I think I feel anger sadness and some pity. I am one of those people who needs to try to understand others. I can't understand her and it drives me crazy. I guess I am holding onto this affair, I don't know why. It's not logical. Things are better and I no longer feel the intense pain. So I need to let this go. Just not sure how.

 

If you're trying to understand her and that's why the thoughts intrude you're going to have to accept that you will never understand her. All you need to know is that there is something inside her that is broken and it lead her to get involved with a married man. That's all you need to understand. The details don't and can't matter. Heck, she probably doesn't even understand it.

[Red123]

Thank you. Not a Gemini though:)

[Midwestmissy]

This really resonates with me. I think I feel insecure about my role in all this, I'm hanging tight to the fact that for 6mos I was not his choice. I was physically ill the whole time and I was unaware if the affair. The rejection was palpable, the gas lighting was debilitating.

 

Like the op, the mow is long gone, she doesn't concern me, but I do have obsessive thoughts. She's in my bed, my head etc. I have self esteem and insecurity issues I never had, 100% as a result of my husband introducing a toxin into our lives. I never viewed her as competition or a threat. I was never going to "fight for my man". Had I known that I was in a contest for my h, I would have walked. I never got to make informed decisions for me. As it was, he ended it and confessed a year later and wants to fix the situation.

 

I also think I'm frighteningly aware that not only am I not completely safe, but I never was. And I'm angry that I was naive about that. I agree that in my case, having her in my head is the reminder that I'm not in a safe place.

[Cavallier]

Its partly a time thing. Its still relatively new; a year really isn't that long when dealing with the enormity of the aftermath of an affair. But yes, you do have to make the decision to move on and you're clearly starting that process, so good for you.

 

You do have the strength of mind to do this, you know? It doesn't have to be some kind of insurmountable, difficult task, its up to you, you just need to make the decision to put her out of your head. Maybe it would help if you bear in mind that you're continuing to give her importance and significance by dwelling on her and the affair? I'm sure she'd be delighted to know that she was still under your skin; do you really want to give her that satisfaction?

[TrustedthenBusted]

This really resonates with me. I think I feel insecure about my role in all this, I'm hanging tight to the fact that for 6mos I was not his choice. I was physically ill the whole time and I was unaware if the affair. The rejection was palpable, the gas lighting was debilitating.

 

Like the op, the mow is long gone, she doesn't concern me, but I do have obsessive thoughts. She's in my bed, my head etc. I have self esteem and insecurity issues I never had, 100% as a result of my husband introducing a toxin into our lives. I never viewed her as competition or a threat. I was never going to "fight for my man". Had I known that I was in a contest for my h, I would have walked. I never got to make informed decisions for me. As it was, he ended it and confessed a year later and wants to fix the situation.

 

I also think I'm frighteningly aware that not only am I not completely safe, but I never was. And I'm angry that I was naive about that. I agree that in my case, having her in my head is the reminder that I'm not in a safe place.

 

So sorry. Know exactly how you feel. His continued effort, coupled with time will help. But it just takes time.

 

Few things from my own experience. Many men have a unique ability to sleep with someone with or without emotion s and then drop them like a hot rock without ever really thinking about them again.

 

My guess is that your husband is being honest and has practically forgotten this woman already. Put simply, if he doesn't care that she is sleeping with someone else, he probably doesn't care if she gets hit by a bus either.

 

And some day you will get there too. Only difference you will stop HOPING for the bus to hit her.

[fellini]

There is a phenomenon called affair addiction (for the WS) and another infidelity addiction.

 

Having been so consumed emotionally and at the deepest levels of fear, pain and suffering of all kinds, we can become addicted to the infidelity - something like Stockholm syndrome - and there is a reluctance to let go of something that has been with us, painful as it was, and ever present in our heads. It has nothing to do with feeling safe, it is precisely about not feeling anymore those emotions. I would love to know too what is the best treatment for this. I think it will start with a strong desire not to be that person, but helps to have a new project to divert all my psychic energy into.

[gettingstronger]

For me, its not the person, but the situation that I am still processing- 2 years later- things between my husband and I are great on the day to day-he is kind, loving and focused on the right things-but..... and that's the part that bothers me-

 

 

I also strive to understand a woman that traveled at her own expense, away from her small(ish) children to cheat-she told her family she was in Atlanta (1hour from home) when in fact she flew as far away as Seattle to meet him- what if something happened at home- I just don't get it and although its not my problem, not my issue-I not only try to understand that but also how my husband found value in someone like that-

[Red123]

So sorry. Know exactly how you feel. His continued effort, coupled with time will help. But it just takes time.

 

Few things from my own experience. Many men have a unique ability to sleep with someone with or without emotion s and then drop them like a hot rock without ever really thinking about them again.

 

My guess is that your husband is being honest and has practically forgotten this woman already. Put simply, if he doesn't care that she is sleeping with someone else, he probably doesn't care if she gets hit by a bus either.

 

And some day you will get there too. Only difference you will stop HOPING for the bus to hit her.

 

That's interesting. I asked him if he cared that she went home to her husband and slept with him. He stated he never cared, and even when she said her husband "made her" sleep with him my H said he never felt jealous. She however did not like that he was with me. He also stated that he didn't care if that upset her either. Truthfully, this was a pretty odd A, short lived and pretty PG. The MOW didn't think it was an A, even though they were both M to others. So maybe it's not that strange that he was able to move on so fast. I wish I had some of that thinking in me.

[jm2013]

Your right she isn't in my life. I think I feel anger sadness and some pity. I am one of those people who needs to try to understand others. I can't understand her and it drives me crazy. I guess I am holding onto this affair, I don't know why. It's not logical. Things are better and I no longer feel the intense pain. So I need to let this go. Just not sure how.

 

Red, it sounds like you've taken a lot of your anger, sadness and all that comes with the affair and dumped it on the shoulders of your husband's AP. I'm glad you and your husband are in a better place. I believe It is very common that you're holding on to his affair believe it or not. It doesn't sound like you're really using it against him but trying to find a way to heal 100% and move on from it. Unfortunately I don't know if there's a way that will help you forget about it. Perhaps building new memories and planning activities with the family may help drown out the negatives completely.

[Red123]

Red, it sounds like you've taken a lot of your anger, sadness and all that comes with the affair and dumped it on the shoulders of your husband's AP. I'm glad you and your husband are in a better place. I believe It is very common that you're holding on to his affair believe it or not. It doesn't sound like you're really using it against him but trying to find a way to heal 100% and move on from it. Unfortunately I don't know if there's a way that will help you forget about it. Perhaps building new memories and planning activities with the family may help drown out the negatives completely.

 

I don't believe I have put everything on her. She's now where my focus is because I have addressed him over the past year. He and I have almost 20 years together so I am giving him a second chance that he is earning. She and I don't know eachother so maybe that's part of my problem. There's no real closure(I know this is a concept) but I can't seem to get my mind around that this wasn't personal on her end. She didn't attempt to hurt me, I'm sure she knew it was wrong but wanted him anyway. That's not directed to me, in fact by the communication I read she doesn't seem to think I'm a real person. I have always solved conflict with others in my life in a direct manner. We either get our issues out and move forward together or we get them out and move forward apart. I think that's my biggest issue here, either one won't work. I just have to let her go. Life lesson for me, find new ways to deal with conflict:)

[Red123]

Just posting to share that I feel a chapter closing. We are moving in the morning. Moving in to a beautiful home that we picked together and that our girls love. I loved my current home but since the A, all of the pain, sorrow, fights etc. it has become somewhat tainted for me. So I am sad and relieved all at the same time. Moving forward and moving on to a fresh start. Anyone else have an experience like this? I can literally feel a weight coming off of my shoulders that I didn't even realize was there.

[Zigoto2]

Yes, I have. We didn't move (although we did consider it) but I got rid of all his old clothing (sounds silly but those underpants grossed me out), got new sheets and painted our bedroom (even though OW never set foot in our bedroom I wanted that fresh start) and my husband got a new car (the idea of her ass print on my seat was disgusting to me). Every time we change something or get something new i feel like we are moving on. It is like you said, a weight off the shoulders. I guess it could end up being expensive... Though as time goes by, there are less and less things left of their relationship around me. I see that their relationship wasn't a lasting thing, that it's over, that it too has been discarded, whereas ours is still growing and developing. It's comforting to me.

 

I hope you enjoy the new house and that you build many pleasant new memories there.

[Red123]

Thank you. We are getting settled and things are going well. The decision to move was in progress before the A but with all of pain associated with that place the process was sped up. I do feel different in this place for sure. Your right though, it could get very expensive to replace everything associated with that time. Best wishes to you.