Jump to content

I need to get over my affair partner, and forgive myself


stellamaria

Recommended Posts

I had an affair.

 

I've not even been married for two years yet (been together for just under six) and my husband is the most wonderful husband you could wish for, a great dad, a lovely guy and I truly feel lucky to have him every day. There is absolutely nothing wrong in the marriage, it's all me. I'm selfish, in need of attention and validation, and have an inherent sense of entitlement. I've come to learn all of this and really want to change it.

 

6 years ago I was close to my now OM, an old schoolfriend. We exchanged several emails a day, chatted on IM, and so on. I was in a relationship and I ended up leaving that relationship because of this guy. Not to be with him, but I realised I was closer to him than my Ex-P and so we split up. I then had a one night stand with OM and he rejected me so I moved on and went to live abroad, where I met my now H. Me and OM stayed in touch - I've truly considered him among my best friends in all the time, and we've helped each other through some dark times. We've always had a connection based on our shared school history, similar interests, similar intellect, etc, and sympathy.

 

Then last year, I realised I was chatting to OM most of the day, every day, and could no longer compartmentalise - I was thinking about him while I was with my H, he'd taken over my thoughts. What I know I should have done (hindsight - aah) is break contact then. But of course, I was closer to the OM, so I told HIM how I felt instead, told him I lusted after him, etc. And then, instead of either of us putting an end to it, we quickly heated it up to a full blown affair with "I love yous", talks of being together long-term, and so on.

 

This was in November, and the next few weeks were intense. I was sick with guilt, tormented by my feelings of dreading my H getting hurt and never really wishing to leave my H, but infatuated with OM. He lives a couple of hours drive from me now so we only met up once, and it became a PA. Then a week later he attempted to get together with my friend (while still 'with' me) and broke my heart. Since then we have had no pretense - he doesn't want to be with me in a couple sense, never did (but happily slept with me knowing I was married), loves me like a sister or a best friend, but he doesn't want to lose my friendship either. I'm even more gutted to say I accepted this new 'friends' style, while really wishing for him to want me again (but still not wishing to lose my H - that's how selfish and horrible I am) and he's off dating other people and flaunting these in my face, while still wanting to meet up with me (and yes, sex is still involved). He was single since our one night stand 6 years ago, and even for about 3 years before that. So the new dating is a big shock altogether. We met up a month ago and had planned to this next weekend (it's an important birthday).

 

I have told my husband a lot. I told him I've got too emotionally attached. The thing is, my H knows this other guy. They've never met, but he has been a best friend for ages, but he can be really hateful, and he has upset me many times over the years with his bile and nastiness. He's told me I'm ugly, a rubbish mother and friend, I'm "subgenius" (tho I am about to embark on my masters and he is doing his first year of a degree), he's criticised my marriage, my other friendships and my relationships with family. My H knows all this, so doesn't see him as a real threat - how could he? H is lovely and OM is egocentric and callous and manipulative.

 

But I feel like I'm in love with the OM. I know it would never work between us - well he doesn't even want me, he's made it clear, but aside from that.

 

We had yet another row and 'no contact' threat from me last night, and I want to stick with that. He's seeing another girl today and I feel sick with such a range of emotions, including guilt that I even care at all while I have such a lovely H that adores me.

 

Sorry for the jumbled mess, and sorry to sound so me, me, me. It's the way I write... really I am so scared of hurting my H more, scared of hurting my children, and feeling ridiculous over the infatuation with a guy who proves time and time again he doesn't care about my feelings at all. But he has been such a great friend for years, I can't believe it could end up being like this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think this fixation on the OM is just a symptom of something being wrong in your marriage. If you were that happy with your husband, this situation would not have occurred. I think it's possible that there's something going on beneath the surface that you're not consciously aware of, but you're struggling with it subconsciously.

 

Try to let go of the OM. If he has told you he doesn't want a future with you, then that's the end of the line. Spend your time thinking about whether you really want to stay in your marriage or not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks, I will.

 

The OM wants me to still be his best friend. He wants to be able to tell me about his dating and everything else in his life. He still messages me lots every day and wants to meet up etc.

 

I can't picture a future without my H, though. The marriage isn't perfect, it's not stale or anything, we're great friends. It just feels like the spark has gone. And of course I'm totally consumed with guilt, every time I look at him or talk to him I'm feeling bad for causing him so much hurt he doesn't know about, living a lie.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think this fixation on the OM is just a symptom of something being wrong in your marriage. If you were that happy with your husband, this situation would not have occurred. I think it's possible that there's something going on beneath the surface that you're not consciously aware of, but you're struggling with it subconsciously.

 

Try to let go of the OM. If he has told you he doesn't want a future with you, then that's the end of the line. Spend your time thinking about whether you really want to stay in your marriage or not.

 

She clearly stated it is her. Not her husband and not her marriage. She has personal issues that she needs to work on. She's not happy with herself. Even if her marriage was crap, it wouldn't turn an emotionally healthy adult into a sneaky lying cheat. That's not how an adult handles relationship issues.

OP, IC would be a great place to start. Why would you seek out an abusive, mean OM when you have someone who loves you at home? You won't be the one to tame and catch OM. Focus on you and your whys so you don't lose that husband and marriage you still want.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
She clearly stated it is her. Not her husband and not her marriage. She has personal issues that she needs to work on. She's not happy with herself. Even if her marriage was crap, it wouldn't turn an emotionally healthy adult into a sneaky lying cheat. That's not how an adult handles relationship issues.

OP, IC would be a great place to start. Why would you seek out an abusive, mean OM when you have someone who loves you at home? You won't be the one to tame and catch OM. Focus on you and your whys so you don't lose that husband and marriage you still want.

Thank you. That's exactly what I've arrived at - there are people in horrible marriages that would never cheat because they have responsiblity and integrity, and I don't. I have a selfishness and sense of self-entitlement. That I'm capable of cheating at all is the problem. I know I could hurt my H deeply and potentially destroy my children's trust and respect for me forever because of this. And the alternative is to lie to them forever. Either is heartbreaking.

 

Any problems in the marriage have been caused by me doing what I have done, not the marriage and definitely not my H. He is truly the most amazing person I've ever known in my life.

 

IC is needed, I think. My ex H was physically abusive and I did do a lot of work after I left him, but obviously not enough.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think this fixation on the OM is just a symptom of something being wrong in your marriage. If you were that happy with your husband, this situation would not have occurred. I think it's possible that there's something going on beneath the surface that you're not consciously aware of, but you're struggling with it subconsciously.

 

Try to let go of the OM. If he has told you he doesn't want a future with you, then that's the end of the line. Spend your time thinking about whether you really want to stay in your marriage or not.

 

So there was something wrong in her marriage before she was with her husband? Because her relationship with other man predates knowing her husband and she left another relationship to be with OM. So how is this an issue with her husband and marriage?

 

OP after reading this its pretty clear to me that you actually have no intention on ending this affair and OM is truly the guy you want to be with. This anger and desire to "end it" is a reaction to his dating other women and not because of your husband or you really wanting it over. He will call and you will run. You will run to him until you've ruined your marriage.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your affair was a bad choice. There's no question about that. And if your marriage is great, then that's great. I was just suggesting that you take the focus off the OM and identify any serious problems in your marriage. If you really can't see a future without your husband, then I have no idea why you would've done what you did. If it was just plain selfishness, then so be it. I just don't see how you can be in love with someone else and say you can't imagine a future without a person you're not in love with. That makes no sense at all. Which suggests to me that you have more serious problems in your marriage than you see, or you're just driven by guilt right now.

 

I suppose the best way to figure it out is to ask yourself how you were feeling about your marriage before the affair. Aside from the moral implications, affairs just confuse things all the way around.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Your affair was a bad choice. There's no question about that. And if your marriage is great, then that's great. I was just suggesting that you take the focus off the OM and identify any serious problems in your marriage. If you really can't see a future without your husband, then I have no idea why you would've done what you did. If it was just plain selfishness, then so be it. I just don't see how you can be in love with someone else and say you can't imagine a future without a person you're not in love with. That makes no sense at all. Which suggests to me that you have more serious problems in your marriage than you see, or you're just driven by guilt right now.

 

I suppose the best way to figure it out is to ask yourself how you were feeling about your marriage before the affair. Aside from the moral implications, affairs just confuse things all the way around.

 

?? The cheating started before her marriage.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
...he can be really hateful, and he has upset me many times over the years with his bile and nastiness. He's told me I'm ugly, a rubbish mother and friend, I'm "subgenius" (tho I am about to embark on my masters and he is doing his first year of a degree), he's criticised my marriage, my other friendships and my relationships with family... (the) OM is egocentric and callous and manipulative.

 

But I feel like I'm in love with the OM. I know it would never work between us - well he doesn't even want me, he's made it clear, but aside from that.

 

 

If we forget about the marriage and the poor children for a moment, the problem here is why are you finding a man so attractive that has so many bad traits and a man with so much disrespect for you.

You came out of an abusive relationship, found stability and are now careering into another abusive relationship.

You know he is not your "best friend", you know you are, if we at to be blunt about it "whoring yourself out to a player", you know it is destructive yet you still do it.

That is the issue here and I suspect that may stem from deeper issues, do you not feel you deserve happiness, do you want to punish yourself, why are you trying to gain attention from someone who you know is not going to give it to you in the way you want.

Why are you knowingly moving towards self destruction and unfortunately sweeping your husband and your children along with you?

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
I had an affair.

 

I've not even been married for two years yet (been together for just under six) and my husband is the most wonderful husband you could wish for, a great dad, a lovely guy and I truly feel lucky to have him every day. There is absolutely nothing wrong in the marriage, it's all me. I'm selfish, in need of attention and validation, and have an inherent sense of entitlement. I've come to learn all of this and really want to change it.

 

6 years ago I was close to my now OM, an old schoolfriend. We exchanged several emails a day, chatted on IM, and so on. I was in a relationship and I ended up leaving that relationship because of this guy. Not to be with him, but I realised I was closer to him than my Ex-P and so we split up. I then had a one night stand with OM and he rejected me so I moved on and went to live abroad, where I met my now H. Me and OM stayed in touch - I've truly considered him among my best friends in all the time, and we've helped each other through some dark times. We've always had a connection based on our shared school history, similar interests, similar intellect, etc, and sympathy.

 

Then last year, I realised I was chatting to OM most of the day, every day, and could no longer compartmentalise - I was thinking about him while I was with my H, he'd taken over my thoughts. What I know I should have done (hindsight - aah) is break contact then. But of course, I was closer to the OM, so I told HIM how I felt instead, told him I lusted after him, etc. And then, instead of either of us putting an end to it, we quickly heated it up to a full blown affair with "I love yous", talks of being together long-term, and so on.

 

This was in November, and the next few weeks were intense. I was sick with guilt, tormented by my feelings of dreading my H getting hurt and never really wishing to leave my H, but infatuated with OM. He lives a couple of hours drive from me now so we only met up once, and it became a PA. Then a week later he attempted to get together with my friend (while still 'with' me) and broke my heart. Since then we have had no pretense - he doesn't want to be with me in a couple sense, never did (but happily slept with me knowing I was married), loves me like a sister or a best friend, but he doesn't want to lose my friendship either. I'm even more gutted to say I accepted this new 'friends' style, while really wishing for him to want me again (but still not wishing to lose my H - that's how selfish and horrible I am) and he's off dating other people and flaunting these in my face, while still wanting to meet up with me (and yes, sex is still involved). He was single since our one night stand 6 years ago, and even for about 3 years before that. So the new dating is a big shock altogether. We met up a month ago and had planned to this next weekend (it's an important birthday).

 

I have told my husband a lot. I told him I've got too emotionally attached. The thing is, my H knows this other guy. They've never met, but he has been a best friend for ages, but he can be really hateful, and he has upset me many times over the years with his bile and nastiness. He's told me I'm ugly, a rubbish mother and friend, I'm "subgenius" (tho I am about to embark on my masters and he is doing his first year of a degree), he's criticised my marriage, my other friendships and my relationships with family. My H knows all this, so doesn't see him as a real threat - how could he? H is lovely and OM is egocentric and callous and manipulative.

 

But I feel like I'm in love with the OM. I know it would never work between us - well he doesn't even want me, he's made it clear, but aside from that.

 

We had yet another row and 'no contact' threat from me last night, and I want to stick with that. He's seeing another girl today and I feel sick with such a range of emotions, including guilt that I even care at all while I have such a lovely H that adores me.

 

Sorry for the jumbled mess, and sorry to sound so me, me, me. It's the way I write... really I am so scared of hurting my H more, scared of hurting my children, and feeling ridiculous over the infatuation with a guy who proves time and time again he doesn't care about my feelings at all. But he has been such a great friend for years, I can't believe it could end up being like this.

 

 

This is your bruised ego talking. You've been rejected, used and then rejected time over time by this "friend" of yours. Perhaps you should get counselling as to why seek a player and cheat on a good man.

 

Your situation reminds me of a cheesy carnival game with cheap prizes that can be bought at a local dollar store for a buck or two. The games at a carnival, or a trip to Vegas, are designed distract the gambler with bright lights and a feeling that you can win.

 

The psychology of a gambler is to pay for the chance to win but the odds will always be against you. Your OM is a cheap stuffed animal and you're caught up in the game.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

The phrase "forgiving myself" always intrigues me. I'm not even sure what it means. If it means make peace with yourself, then there are actions that must be taken before that is possible with a person who has conscience:

 

1. Honesty about the affair with one's spouse

 

2. Taking full responsibility for the choice to cheat, without muddying the waters by picking apart the BS or the marriage. Marriage problems do NOT force one to cheat.

 

3. Cutting off ALL contact with your affair partner

 

4. Working to help your spouse heal, being completely honest in everything, and attempting to make amends for the pain you caused

 

Then and only then can real forgiving of yourself take place.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So there was something wrong in her marriage before she was with her husband? Because her relationship with other man predates knowing her husband and she left another relationship to be with OM. So how is this an issue with her husband and marriage?

 

OP after reading this its pretty clear to me that you actually have no intention on ending this affair and OM is truly the guy you want to be with. This anger and desire to "end it" is a reaction to his dating other women and not because of your husband or you really wanting it over. He will call and you will run. You will run to him until you've ruined your marriage.

No, I truly don't want to be with OM. He has treated me atrociously over the years, especially recently, and I know I would never trust him, and we'd never have a great relationship. We had arranged to meet this weekend (it's a painful anniversary for him, and also my birthday) as friends. I honestly don't want to even sleep with him, never have wanted to (tho I obviously have done - but I feel I traded sex for an emotional closeness).

 

This is limerence. I feel like I adore him, like I'm infatuated. But it's not even sexual. It's like an addiction, and I truly want to end it.

 

He will call, I know he will. But I want to go NC. Trouble is I haven't been able to manage that up to now.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, but lady: you are just selfish. I saw not ONE THING about you doing the right thing and telling your husband. It was all you you you. I need to get over MY affair, I need to forgive MYself. No, lady, what you need to do is tell your H everything so he can divorce you.

 

The moment you got with your H and didn't cut this other man you screwed out of your life completely was already you crossing the line, but then you took it even further? So no, forgiving yourself should be the LAST THING on your "to do" list. It should be telling this poor man shackled to you who he is really married to you, it should be doing the right thing. Then you can worry about "forgiving yourself".

 

EDIT: Aaand in the above post you just said you still "adore" this utter scum of another man. Yep, let your husband go, he deserves better.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Your affair was a bad choice. There's no question about that. And if your marriage is great, then that's great. I was just suggesting that you take the focus off the OM and identify any serious problems in your marriage. If you really can't see a future without your husband, then I have no idea why you would've done what you did. If it was just plain selfishness, then so be it. I just don't see how you can be in love with someone else and say you can't imagine a future without a person you're not in love with. That makes no sense at all. Which suggests to me that you have more serious problems in your marriage than you see, or you're just driven by guilt right now.

 

I suppose the best way to figure it out is to ask yourself how you were feeling about your marriage before the affair. Aside from the moral implications, affairs just confuse things all the way around.

I know. I agree with you, and I want to know these answers too.

 

I loved my marriage before the affair. I had other issues - I'd fallen out with my sister and it broke my heart. I think I turned to OM then, even tho H was there for me too. But I truly adored my H and my marriage and I still do. If I'm honest, my H works away during the week and I miss him, I get lonely. But like purplesorrow said, that alone wouldn't make someone a cheat. The cheat is me, because I am selfish and just horrible, and I traded a loving, trusting relationship for a cheap and illusory ego boost. I've always felt a 'connection', of sorts, with OM, but I thought it was more out of sympathy - he has no other friends, never has had, and has never had a relationship longer than a few months, the last of which was years ago. I felt responsible for him, and never expected this crazy infatuation to develop. I truly regret getting myself into this mess, and making such a series of bad decisions to get to where I am now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, well, I will commend you..most people when seeing what I said would throw a hissy fit and leave the thread, or just hone in on any post that tells them what they want to hear, so kudos on that. A lot of people think they come here for advice, but what they really want is to be told they were right to act the way they were, and they are looking for anyone who will help them to excuse their behavior, it is refreshing to see someone who isn't in denial like that. WS's could learn a thing or two.

 

The only other advice I can give is for you to try to stop seeing this OM in a positive light. For instance, did he know you had a H when he got with you? Since, nice down to earth guys don't do shady things like that. Nice guys don't try to hook up with married women. If you are ever tempted to contact him, just think about how he is NOT a nice guy. Everything he did to make you adore him was him manipulating you so he could get you into bed. Since if he truly cared about you as a person..he'd never put you in that position.

 

You still of course need to tell your H. I won't lie, he will probably divorce you. It's not 100% certain, but it is likely..especially because you did this with someone he also considered a friend.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'm sorry, but lady: you are just selfish. I saw not ONE THING about you doing the right thing and telling your husband. It was all you you you. I need to get over MY affair, I need to forgive MYself. No, lady, what you need to do is tell your H everything so he can divorce you.

 

The moment you got with your H and didn't cut this other man you screwed out of your life completely was already you crossing the line, but then you took it even further? So no, forgiving yourself should be the LAST THING on your "to do" list. It should be telling this poor man shackled to you who he is really married to you, it should be doing the right thing. Then you can worry about "forgiving yourself".

 

EDIT: Aaand in the above post you just said you still "adore" this utter scum of another man. Yep, let your husband go, he deserves better.

I know, and you're right.

 

I have told my H most of it. I have cried and told him how sorry I am. He forgives me and doesn't want to destroy our family, and neither do I. He says he doesn't want to know any more, he wants to move forward from today, as 'us', as a family.

 

I did cut contact with OM when I got with my H. We only talked now and then for years and there was genuinely no romantic interest from me, or from him. It is just recently that developed and I swear, if I could go back to the point where I knew I had already crossed the line, I'd go back and I'd stop.

 

I want to get over my AP and get through the affair for my H and kids more than from me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've always felt a 'connection', of sorts, with OM, but I thought it was more out of sympathy - he has no other friends, never has had, and has never had a relationship longer than a few months, the last of which was years ago.

 

OM is egocentric and callous and manipulative.

 

Do you see a link there?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm sorry, but lady: you are just selfish. I saw not ONE THING about you doing the right thing and telling your husband. It was all you you you. I need to get over MY affair, I need to forgive MYself. No, lady, what you need to do is tell your H everything so he can divorce you.

 

The moment you got with your H and didn't cut this other man you screwed out of your life completely was already you crossing the line, but then you took it even further? So no, forgiving yourself should be the LAST THING on your "to do" list. It should be telling this poor man shackled to you who he is really married to you, it should be doing the right thing. Then you can worry about "forgiving yourself".

 

EDIT: Aaand in the above post you just said you still "adore" this utter scum of another man. Yep, let your husband go, he deserves better.

 

 

After being here, I've learned that nearly all WS's only confess if exposure is imminent by either the their own spouse or the other betrayed spouse....or if a as WS has been rejected by their affair partner and get the satisfaction of revenge by revealing the affair as a way of revenge on their OW/OM.

 

It's like a broken record to advise a WS to confess and give their spouse the truth. The reality is that no cheater will sacrifice themselves unless it's a form of self preservation and damage control, or a form of revenge if discarded by their lover.

 

To be able cheat is character driven...this trait is something that has been a part of their persona way before they've ever met their significant other.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
No, I truly don't want to be with OM. He has treated me atrociously over the years, especially recently, and I know I would never trust him, and we'd never have a great relationship. We had arranged to meet this weekend (it's a painful anniversary for him, and also my birthday) as friends. I honestly don't want to even sleep with him, never have wanted to (tho I obviously have done - but I feel I traded sex for an emotional closeness).

 

This is limerence. I feel like I adore him, like I'm infatuated. But it's not even sexual. It's like an addiction, and I truly want to end it.

 

He will call, I know he will. But I want to go NC. Trouble is I haven't been able to manage that up to now.

 

That's a little disturbing to read though. He treats you like crap, but you still want more. Listen I don't want to beat you up but some things need to be said. First, you need to tell your husband everything. I know it's scary but that's his right to know. Confession serves multiple purposes the two biggest is that it displays true recourse and it also shows that you are choosing your spouse. Not to mention, your marriage has a better chance of survival if you do confess. If you don't believe me, ask the BS who caught their wives in affairs. They all feel like they are plan B. Also, the whole forgiving yourself without the person you wronged forgiving you first or at some point is a load of crap. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Why do you think your forgiveness is more important than your husband's. Listen, you being here is a great first step, but you have a lot more to go. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with your husband. He deserves to know the state of marriage. It is his as well after all.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Okay, well, I will commend you..most people when seeing what I said would throw a hissy fit and leave the thread, or just hone in on any post that tells them what they want to hear, so kudos on that. A lot of people think they come here for advice, but what they really want is to be told they were right to act the way they were, and they are looking for anyone who will help them to excuse their behavior, it is refreshing to see someone who isn't in denial like that. WS's could learn a thing or two.

 

The only other advice I can give is for you to try to stop seeing this OM in a positive light. For instance, did he know you had a H when he got with you? Since, nice down to earth guys don't do shady things like that. Nice guys don't try to hook up with married women. If you are ever tempted to contact him, just think about how he is NOT a nice guy. Everything he did to make you adore him was him manipulating you so he could get you into bed. Since if he truly cared about you as a person..he'd never put you in that position.

 

You still of course need to tell your H. I won't lie, he will probably divorce you. It's not 100% certain, but it is likely..especially because you did this with someone he also considered a friend.

Thanks. I agree with you. I'm not a victim. My real life friends and family hate OM, they have always hated how manipulative he is, and they are saying I have been played and got dragged into this. But I haven't. I made all the wrong choices - talking to OM at all, getting closer, telling him personal things I shouldn't have, on and on.

 

I just don't want my H to get any more hurt. I know that's so easy to say now I've made such a mess of it and made such stupid mistakes.

 

He knew I had a H, of course. He runs him down all the time, saying we're "doomed", or calling him simple and average (he thinks he himself is a "genius"). Even lately, when I told H most of the situation, OM said he will leave me if he has any sense and I'll be stronger in the end without him, and he even said "so thanks, i know it cost you everything, but it was not for nought here". This prompted a row and he said "i feel good and you are trying to ruin it". H and OM aren't friends tho - H has always hated OM for the way he treats me. Just to add more irony.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems to me if I read this correctly that you have not been honest with your husband and told him that you actually had sex with the OM which is unfair. You and your husband both need to get tested for STD's.

 

You keep saying how much you love your husband and marriage and yet you continue to cheat on him and were even willing to meet up with the OM again on your birthday. You may say you love your husband but your actions say different. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions speak volumes about your disrespect to your husband and your marriage. How would you feel if your husband was cheating behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's?

 

1. You need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you have had sex with the OM and stop trying to manipulate your husband.

2. You and your husband need to get tested for STD's.

3. You need to get into individual therapy to understand why you are self-destructive.

4. If you refuse to cut your relationship with the OM then divorce your husband and let him find someone else who will truly love and respect him because your actions show that you are indeed not that person.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
That's a little disturbing to read though. He treats you like crap, but you still want more. Listen I don't want to beat you up but some things need to be said. First, you need to tell your husband everything. I know it's scary but that's his right to know. Confession serves multiple purposes the two biggest is that it displays true recourse and it also shows that you are choosing your spouse. Not to mention, your marriage has a better chance of survival if you do confess. If you don't believe me, ask the BS who caught their wives in affairs. They all feel like they are plan B. Also, the whole forgiving yourself without the person you wronged forgiving you first or at some point is a load of crap. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Why do you think your forgiveness is more important than your husband's. Listen, you being here is a great first step, but you have a lot more to go. Be honest with yourself, then be honest with your husband. He deserves to know the state of marriage. It is his as well after all.

Yeah I never meant to say forgive myself. Easy to back track now, but I wrote words in the title and they weren't allowed. I mean I just want to get through it. I don't want to be infatuated with OM (who is a truly horrible person anyway) and I don't want my kids and H any further hurt. And I know that's easy to say.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah I never meant to say forgive myself. Easy to back track now, but I wrote words in the title and they weren't allowed. I mean I just want to get through it. I don't want to be infatuated with OM (who is a truly horrible person anyway) and I don't want my kids and H any further hurt. And I know that's easy to say.

 

Ok that makes a lot more sense. Another thing I noticed, what your husband wants to do is rug sweep the affair. Trust me, that's only going to hurt you in the long run. All that does is build resentment. So much so, your husband will either have an affair of his own (which is usually the case) or divorce you later on. You need to attack this issue now. Sit your husband down and tell him everything. It would be one thing if he didn't know about your affair, but he does. Burying his head in the sand is not going to change anything. Get into MC ASAP.

Link to post
Share on other sites
First, you need to tell your husband everything. I know it's scary but that's his right to know. Confession serves multiple purposes the two biggest is that it displays true recourse and it also shows that you are choosing your spouse.

How does that work here? "OM is not interested, so I choose you"

 

Not to mention, your marriage has a better chance of survival if you do confess. If you don't believe me, ask the BS who caught their wives in affairs. They all feel like they are plan B.

Because often they are.

WS is guilt tripped into staying for the sake of the kids or doesn't want to lose status/finances/possessions etc.

 

BSs always want WSs to confess as they were cheated on and didn't know, but you have to weigh up what this may do to your kids here, broken homes are not good for kids, you H already knows about the EA, a PA is a different kettle of fish, men have a hard time accepting their wives had sex with another man, in this case another man he already despises and hates.

 

If you confess all, through some sort of attempt to assuage your guilt, remember your H may file for divorce ASAP. Are you prepared for that?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...