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My Story- Moving Forward After Wife's Affairs


LeComte

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I don't really even know where to start, so I'll give a near-obligatory "TL;DR" section right at the top. This is a relatively long story, but it is the first time I have ever recorded it.

 

TL;DR: My wife cheated, physically and emotionally, with two different guys over a period of 3 years. The only unprotected sexual encounter came the same month as the conception of my son (yes, he is mine). The day before my son was conceived, my wife sent an email to the final OM expressing some level of desire beyond the physical past, saying "[she] thinks about [him] way more than [she] should...." I found out and effectively ended all affair activities for her 9 months ago. I now cannot move past extreme anger, distrust, and the ever present visualization.

 

The Whole Story:

 

My wife and I got married in 2009. During that time I had an extremely stressful and hated job. I did not react appropriately to my situation and did not treat her as well as I should have. She eventually called me on my behavior and I changed.

 

Fast forward to 2011 and my wife has a new job. During this time, unbeknownst to me, she began a physical affair with a coworker. The affair seems to have been purely physical at this point, culminating in all three types of penetrative sex (excuse the vulgarity, I intend only to express the depravity). This man was not single and the affair took place in the apartment he shared with his now wife. I knew nothing of this.

 

Moving into early 2012, my wife met a new man through a new coworker of hers. This was again completely unknown to me. During this time, my wife said she was still bitter about my previous behavior and told me she was considering leaving me. Completely devastated, I begged her forgiveness and patience. I further begged her to tell me what to change, do, anything to keep her. I became, for all intent and purposes, subservient to her in every way. As a part of this effort to repair and improve our marriage, my wife told me she wanted to get away for a weekend with her friend (the one who introduced her to the new guy). She and her friend went to Chicago, met up with the guy, and ultimately had what I guess is considered group sex (only one partner each, but in the same room) with their male partners. During this time, she had told me she was going out to a bar. I was unable to reach her via phone from 11ish until bout 2am, after the affair culminated, during which time I was freaking out thinking she had been hurt or otherwise made unable to answer her calls or texts.

 

Following her return home, I was still unaware of all activities. I continued to beg her forgiveness daily. She ultimately gave me a time by which she would make the decision whether to stay or go. She gave that date as the day which I was set to graduate from college. Until the last minute of that day, I was completely subservient to her and did everything in my power to win her back. As I'm sure you can guess, she moved out. I was broken and let her stay in our house for a final night while I cried myself to sleep in a lonely hotel room.

 

Moving forward, she began to limit our conversation. I became very suspicious of her activities and surreptitiously entered her email accounts where I discovered emails and chats from guy number 2. I confronted her about the guy, using information I had gleaned earlier but had not connected, without revealing my true source. She admitted to an emotional affair. She then asked that we take a week to not speak to one another at all. She further said she would not speak to him during this week. I was told her ultimate goal was going to be to clear her head and decide who/what she wanted. On the third day of this week, she called me crying. Without a lot of detail, I comforted her on the phone about what her other guy had said to her when she suggested the week break. Yes, I comforted her while she was upset about her boyfriend. This is what bottom feels like, I think.

 

The next day I entered her email again, searched through the chat history, and found a message from the other guy where he stated that he knew "the difference between love and sex." That combined with talk of how she would like to be remarried in Bora Bora completely broke my spirit. I called her, flipped out, and broke my knuckle by hitting the wall right on a stud.

 

She came clean about the physical portion of their affair, consisting of kissing when he was in town where we live and the sex in Chicago. I decided I had had enough of this and reverted to my more dominant personality. I called the other guy and politely and succinctly told him that he was never to speak to my wife again. My only threat was a lawsuit under IL alienation of affection laws. Rather than respond to me with anything other than "okay," he called my wife, complained about my behavior, and tried to claim I threatened him. For some reason this caused her to decide he was not the type of man for her, especially as she knew I would not be dumb enough to threaten violence. Thus ended the affair with guy #2.

 

My wife and I reconciled as she once again saw me as who I am, not a subservient wuss nor a domineering jerk. Unfortunately, we pushed everything under the rug. I think this was partially due to me starting law school and thus not really having the time or energy to really deal with everything that had happened. For a while, I truly thought we were happy.

 

At the end of my first semester, we decided that we were no longer going to actively try to prevent pregnancy. Shortly after the end of finals, I found out that I was going to become a father. As shocked as I was, I had never been happier. Top law student? Check. Happy marriage? Check. Becoming a father? Check.

 

This time, we're going to fast forward to March of 2014. The affairs felt very much behind us, we had a little boy who I adore, and life felt decent. Then, her phone rang. It was guy number 1, and he was drunk. She answered first and hung up on him. I answered the second time; he told me his name, and I told him I knew about their past experiences (which came out during the separation) and that he was never to call her again. He called back and tossed out every vulgar, disgusting thought he could come up with. The only thing he said that truly bother me was that he and my wife joked about the paternity of my son. He ended up threatening to kill me. We called the cops, he was told if he called again he would be arrested, and finally we filed an HR complaint due to the threats. He did not finish that week at work.

 

After the call, I become obviously suspicious, though my wife denied everything he said. The next day, I decided to -for lack of a better word - interrogate her. I found out that after her first affair with guy number 1 ended, she had her affair with guy number 2. A few months after that affair ended and she moved back in, she and guy number 1 started their affair again. They had penetrative sex twice during this time. Once was with protection. The other time was apparently only a short, non-finishing unprotected encounter. Apart from the penetrative sex, she performed oral sex on him multiple times, the last time in January of 2014, and used her hand once while she was pregnant with my son!

 

After I learned about everything that had happened, I logged in to her work email and found emails from him. An email on Dec. 28th confessed that she was developing feelings for him. On Dec. 29th, our son was conceived. Yes, the day before conception, after we had decided to start a family, she told another man that she was thinking about him too much and was developing some form of feeling for him. She maintains to this day that she immediately regretted the email and that she did not actually have feelings for this guy.

 

Suffice to say, I was broken again. She left work and I am sure that there has been no improper contact with anyone since that time. Finally, the affairs were over.

 

Now here I sit, unable to move even a bit past the tragedy that my life became. I feel completely ruined. I feel hurt, enraged, confused, and whatever other emotion you can have apart from the positive ones. Every relationship I have has suffered. I am not as happy with my son as I should be, though I love him more than I have ever loved anything. I hate myself. I hate my life. I would do anything not to feel this way anymore, so long as that would not adversely impact my son.

 

Up until about 2 months ago, I was trying to move forward. We did not sweep anything under the rug, and I will not respond in kind when she tells me she loves me. We restarted our sex life and she went at my speed and comfort level. Lately, I have become more and more easily enraged. I have used language I had never previously used with her. I cannot touch my wife, nor can I be touched by her. I find the thought of sex with her nauseating. I want her to feel the way I feel, even though I don't think that can ever happen. I know none of this is helpful, but I cannot help any of this.

 

I know she loves me. I truly believe she changed following the final release of actual truth. I found out more about her childhood, why she did the things she did, etc.... I found out pretty much everything I could want to know. Unfortunately, none of that really matters. I don't have positive feelings except toward my son. I don't know if I love her at all because I cannot move past my rage. I don't want to wake up in the morning because life is so intolerable. I don't know what to do. *Please note that I am not suicidal. My son is everything and any harm to me would harm him. I will live a life of perpetual torture if it can insure he smiles even once.

 

And so I am lost. I need something to help move forward. I don't want to want her to hurt. I don't like reading The Count of Monte Cristo while constantly thinking about how much I want my own vengeance. I don't want to constantly search public records to see if the other guy and his wife have gotten divorced (she was informed of the affair per my request). I don't want to do any of this anymore, but I cannot help myself. And so, I pray someone will have a single shred of advice that can help me move forward even an inch.

 

Sorry for the long read. I know it's a lot, and I actually left a lot out, but I feel what I wrote is material to the situation. Further, I thank you for taking the time to read things like this and try to help people like me.

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Hope Shimmers

You write beautifully and are clearly very intelligent. It is refreshing to see.

 

I don't understand why you think your wife is worthy of you. She has cheated on you multiple times with multiple men, and you keep giving her additional "chances" (chances for what?)

 

Your wife is NOT worthy of you. You need to divorce her yesterday. You will still be an active father to your son. But you can't keep on in a sham of a marriage to such a woman as you describe.

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You write beautifully and are clearly very intelligent. It is refreshing to see.

 

I don't understand why you think your wife is worthy of you. She has cheated on you multiple times with multiple men, and you keep giving her additional "chances" (chances for what?)

 

Your wife is NOT worthy of you. You need to divorce her yesterday. You will still be an active father to your son. But you can't keep on in a sham of a marriage to such a woman as you describe.

 

I wish I could explain why I am still here. Unfortunately, I can't. Something in me says that it is not time to cut her loose. For me to explain it here, I'd first have to be able to explain it to myself.

 

The one thing that immediately stands out is that we have been together for 12 years. For the vast majority of that time, she made me very happy. That said, I really don't know if there is any hope for reconciliation following such betrayal.

 

I do appreciate your kind words and advice, even if it is advice I have thus far been unwilling to utilize.

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You told the story well. You need to understand something my friend. What you are feeling is not unusual and if you trust your wife further than you can throw her you will hit rock bottom again. You have reached the anger stage after being in denial and playing the "pick me " game for so long.

First of all before talking about your wife, this friend of hers who fixed her up with OM2 I hope is out of your wife's life. You must insist that anyone who knew or helped cover for her gets the boot. These friends of hers are enemies of your marriage.

I take it that neither of these men still work with your wife . If they do she has to quit her job. No matter, she obviously has bad boundaries at work

What is SHE doing to make you feel safe and to try to help you heal.

Please don't say she is willing to have sex with you. Is she being transparent and do you have all her passwords . If not, why not and why has she not offered them to you.

Her right to privacy does not exist right now. So far, she has had two affairs and has confessed nothing that was not under duress . She regrets she was caught but not what she did.

You are in for a long hard time unless she takes responsibility for these affairs 100%!. She has had no real consequences and she will do it again if you let her blame you for her actions .

Get to an attorney and find out your legal rights . Until she actually believes that one more inappropriate with any more men will end her marriage she will not take you seriously . And lastly, if she is still wanting to go out to bars with her girlfriends you are at ground zero.

Learn from the pain you endured because you made every mistake in the book as all this was going on. It is up to her to convince you to give her the gift of another chance, not for youngish ejecting her to want to R

.

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It sounds to me like she may be a serial cheater. I don't think she even cares for these men, she just likes sex. I think maybe you should get checked for stds and I would seek counciling. She will cheat again because history repeats itself.you need to leave her. You sound really nice and there is someone out their dreaming of a man like you...go find her.... Good luck!

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You told the story well. You need to understand something my friend. What you are feeling is not unusual and if you trust your wife further than you can throw her you will hit rock bottom again. You have reached the anger stage after being in denial and playing the "pick me " game for so long.

First of all before talking about your wife, this friend of hers who fixed her up with OM2 I hope is out of your wife's life. You must insist that anyone who knew or helped cover for her gets the boot. These friends of hers are enemies of your marriage.

I take it that neither of these men still work with your wife . If they do she has to quit her job. No matter, she obviously has bad boundaries at work

What is SHE doing to make you feel safe and to try to help you heal.

Please don't say she is willing to have sex with you. Is she being transparent and do you have all her passwords . If not, why not and why has she not offered them to you.

Her right to privacy does not exist right now. So far, she has had two affairs and has confessed nothing that was not under duress . She regrets she was caught but not what she did.

You are in for a long hard time unless she takes responsibility for these affairs 100%!. She has had no real consequences and she will do it again if you let her blame you for her actions .

Get to an attorney and find out your legal rights . Until she actually believes that one more inappropriate with any more men will end her marriage she will not take you seriously . And lastly, if she is still wanting to go out to bars with her girlfriends you are at ground zero.

Learn from the pain you endured because you made every mistake in the book as all this was going on. It is up to her to convince you to give her the gift of another chance, not for youngish ejecting her to want to R

.

 

I'll try to address everything in order. In retrospect, I should have included some of these details.

 

1. The former coworker and both men have been completely removed from her life. That was one of my first demands, and the execution of that demand is frequently checked.

 

2. Both happily and unhappily, she is now employed by my family. As it sits, I have access to every phase of her life. She goes no where without me, other than to work. When at work, she is literally sitting with one of my family members.

 

3. In terms of what she does to make me feel safe, I'm not completely sure. Sadly nothing really does much for me and is thus not committed to memory. This is not to say she does nothing, only that I accept nothing.

 

4. In terms of sex, she knows that at this point it is out of the question and is respecting my wishes on that front. This one is difficult as I actually felt close to her during sex, but I just can't handle it now.

 

5. Privacy does not exist and has not existed since March 7, 2014. I have all passwords to all accounts. Here sits another fear though, as I am paranoid she has a burner phone, account I don't know about, smoke signals, something to contact someone. As they say, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not being followed.

 

6. Responsibility is a fear of mine. She told me that she continued the affair in large part because she was never really called on anything. She claims that she is glad that I have essentially locked down her life as it has taught her that her actions have consequences. That is a very short way to explain a very long discussion. That said, lack of trust keeps me from believing any of that.

 

7. Regarding the attorney, I left law school after I found out the full scale of the infidelity. In doing so, I confided in one of my professors and he has pledged his legal assistance if it is needed. She is aware of both his offer and reputation.

 

I wish I could have figured out all the mistakes I made in the past. I can't help but think that I could have changed things if only I had been true to myself. That said, it is really nice to see someone say that it's actually up to her to earn me back, if that's possible. We went to a therapist who I couldn't listen to after she told my wife that she wasn't totally at fault for her own decisions. The therapist assigned blame to me, my wife's family, etc.... So, thank you for actually supporting my point of view. I can't tell you how much that means to me.

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Sorry to say WW always minimize the number of times. Also claim that timing made it impossible for the OM to be the dad. You need to have a paternity test done. ASAP.

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No real consequences and no real remorse.

 

Are you prepared to be suspicious of your wife for a life time? Are you prepared to teach your son to be suspicious of his Mother? Are you prepared to model for your son what a dysfunctional, destructive and hopeless marriage is?

 

Hold her accountable, draw up a document that if she so much as fluffs infidelity you get full custody of your son (of course she gets visitation), you get the house and all other assets you both accumulated together and no spousal support will be paid to her, however you will be entitled to child support based on income guidelines for your area.

 

Present it to her, watch her reaction and give her a time line to sign otherwise the D papers will be presented next.

 

Fine, a single mistake... she is a serial cheater! She only shows remorse when she's caught... then caught again.... and again!

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Sorry to say WW always minimize the number of times. Also claim that timing made it impossible for the OM to be the dad. You need to have a paternity test done. ASAP.

You definitely hit one of my worries in terms of frequency.

 

For my son, I don't have the money for a test at this point. However, I'm 99.9% sure on the date of conception, I know she did not see him on that date, and my son quite literally looks like my twin. At this point, he's my son regardless. Even so, I can't shake hearing that the other guy made jokes about paternity. How can a mother listen to those jokes, potentially (she vehemently denies it) take part in said jokes, and not be truly disgusted?

 

No real consequences and no real remorse.

 

Are you prepared to be suspicious of your wife for a life time? Are you prepared to teach your son to be suspicious of his Mother? Are you prepared to model for your son what a dysfunctional, destructive and hopeless marriage is?

 

Hold her accountable, draw up a document that if she so much as fluffs infidelity you get full custody of your son (of course she gets visitation), you get the house and all other assets you both accumulated together and no spousal support will be paid to her, however you will be entitled to child support based on income guidelines for your area.

 

Present it to her, watch her reaction and give her a time line to sign otherwise the D papers will be presented next.

 

Fine, a single mistake... she is a serial cheater! She only shows remorse when she's caught... then caught again.... and again!

 

I'll answer the first part with a firm "I don't know." I don't think I'm mentally at the point where I can adequately examine those factors in their entirety.

 

In terms of the postnup, I live in one of the states which does not recognize them. Even so, such a document already exists, purely to show her that I mean business. She has agreed, in consideration of an additional chance, not to fight for custody of my son.

 

Beyond that, if a divorce is what happens, I'm in a better position than her. I come from a wealthy family and have already be assured that no expense will be spared in that eventuality. She comes from a poor family, we have very little money on our own, and will not be able to afford quality representation.

 

Can I stay with someone who was a serial cheater? Can I leave the woman I have loved for 12 years? Can an answer every really be clear to the person in my position?

 

I know that if she so much as flirts with another man, she'll be out on the street as soon as she can be evicted, so there's that. But I still don't know what to do today or tomorrow, even though some of you have been clear on what should happen.

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Do you think you ca keep her on lock down like a caged animal forever -in order to keep her from cheating again?

 

No, you can't. You don't trust her because she isn't trustworthy.

 

Policing her forever isn't the answer.

 

Since you don't trust her there is no foundation for the marriage - she's ruined it and ruined it several times.

 

How many chances should she get?

 

I would say she should have gotten one chance for you to forgive the FIRST time she cheated - ONLY IF she had been willing to become and transform into a DECENT human being - but she didn't = she cheated again.

 

You make me wonder what ingredients should be in a recipe for love - certainly not the cheating, disgusting behavior and hatred she added in to that mixture.

 

She has ruined your marriage... That would be enough for most people.

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As stupid as it sounds to all of us, deep down I don't want to divorce this woman. I appreciate those of you who offer such advice, and I would give the same in your place, but I cannot at this point take such advice.

 

In writing this response, I find myself for the first time in a long time admitting that somewhere beneath the anger and pain, I still love her. I'm going to proceed with what will appear to be an illogical argument, but a significant portion of that perception will surely be due to my limited explanation and - even more so - my lack of understanding my own thoughts.

 

75%+ of our relationship, when calculated purely on the time from the start of the first affair to my discovery against the total duration of our relationship, has been great. She has been my best friend, has supported me when no one else would, and has made me feel good. If (I'm aware this is an unknown) there is never another betrayal, the ratio of good to bad will do nothing but grow.

 

And so, I don't know that at this point I am willing to submit to cold logic. That's exceedingly difficult to say as I tend to live my life as a logical person.

 

With all of that, I still recognize that the logical response to her actions should be divorce. But, I'm hoping that someone will have insight into how to possibly overcome my current issues. If something else happens in the future, of course assuming that reconciliation is even possible, I would have to take responsibility for allowing the opportunity for such renewed pain.

 

If I gain nothing else from this thread, simply writing down my feelings and story has allowed me to examine things from a fresh perspective. So again I thank you all for your advice, whether I can bring myself to accept it or not, and your time in replying to a broken man.

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75%+ of our relationship, when calculated purely on the time from the start of the first affair to my discovery against the total duration of our relationship, has been great. She has been my best friend, has supported me when no one else would, and has made me feel good. If (I'm aware this is an unknown) there is never another betrayal, the ratio of good to bad will do nothing but grow.

 

Given the history, how do you know she didn't cheat during the "great" times and simply hasn't been found out yet?

 

You're going to have to decide if ignorance really is bliss...

 

Mr. Lucky

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For my son, I don't have the money for a test at this point. However, I'm 99.9% sure on the date of conception, I know she did not see him on that date, and my son quite literally looks like my twin. Even so, I can't shake hearing that the other guy made jokes about paternity.

 

You can buy a DNA kit at WalMart, Amazon of about any drug store for $30. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid's with a Q-tip. Then send the kit to a lab with $130 more.

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As stupid as it sounds to all of us, deep down I don't want to divorce this woman. I appreciate those of you who offer such advice, and I would give the same in your place, but I cannot at this point take such advice.

 

In writing this response, I find myself for the first time in a long time admitting that somewhere beneath the anger and pain, I still love her. I'm going to proceed with what will appear to be an illogical argument, but a significant portion of that perception will surely be due to my limited explanation and - even more so - my lack of understanding my own thoughts.

 

75%+ of our relationship, when calculated purely on the time from the start of the first affair to my discovery against the total duration of our relationship, has been great. She has been my best friend, has supported me when no one else would, and has made me feel good. If (I'm aware this is an unknown) there is never another betrayal, the ratio of good to bad will do nothing but grow.

 

And so, I don't know that at this point I am willing to submit to cold logic. That's exceedingly difficult to say as I tend to live my life as a logical person.

 

With all of that, I still recognize that the logical response to her actions should be divorce. But, I'm hoping that someone will have insight into how to possibly overcome my current issues. If something else happens in the future, of course assuming that reconciliation is even possible, I would have to take responsibility for allowing the opportunity for such renewed pain.

 

If I gain nothing else from this thread, simply writing down my feelings and story has allowed me to examine things from a fresh perspective. So again I thank you all for your advice, whether I can bring myself to accept it or not, and your time in replying to a broken man.

 

Well you've decided so good luck with that.

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I am wondering if you had no child together with this woman, would you stay with her still?

 

No matter what you decide to do from here onwards, you need to realize that your wife lost all respect for you a long time ago. I read both the TL;DR and long version of your story (as Hope Shimmers mentioned, you write beautifully) and during the times when you were subservient to her trying to fix the relationship, I couldn't help but shake my head at the audacity of this woman playing the victim while taking advantage of you, when in fact she was getting cock elsewhere.

 

Yes we get it that you love her still, and that 75% of the relationship was good for you, but from a respect point of view, deciding to stay without any real concequenses for her is not good.

 

My advice is if you want to stay with her, you need to actually leave her for a while and pretend like you're actually going to divorce her, then at the last minute "have a change of heart". This will serve two purposes:

 

1. You will have time apart from her to calmly think things through, maybe you may end up actually leaving her after realising that you don't want to be with her.

 

2. It will help you gain some respect from her if you do decide to stay. Right now whatever form of respect you think she's giving you, it's fake respect (like crocodile tears).

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So she works in your families business and nobody knows about her infidelity and appalling behavior except for you? Boy, that must be tough. I think I can understand how you feel. I am still with my cheating wife, and it burns me up inside when people say what a good wife she is, or what a great family we are etc. if only they knew the truth!!

 

I am sure you will divorce her eventually. The anger and disgust you feel far outweighs the love you felt for her and it will be there until you move on with your life.

 

And those 'good times'? There was deceit right from the start, she was never fully committed to you. If that's the way she wants to live her life. than good luck and goodbye! ..

 

Carefully and methodically start planning and taking action. Start imagining a better life for yourself, because you are seriously selling yourself short!! You are in the soup now but there are good woman out here who would kill for a chap like you.

 

 

 

I want to divorce my wife too and I will this year. It's terrible when you have kids. But you are not to blame. You are just being a martyr, torturing yourself and you will never be happy with this woman. If I could sit you down right now and show you a DVD of her screwing those guys and behaving like a $20 whore than trust me you'd divorce her in a heartbeat! She does not deserve a second chance, she is flawed, she has 'issues' dishonesty and the need for extra marital sex. You are worth far more.

 

. Look around you and find a decent attractive woman with all the attributes your wife lacks and say ' that's my future! That's what I want! Not this misery and endless cycle of being hurt and let down.. I want to be happy'

 

 

I say pace yourself, look after the kid. He is the number one priority here. Try to get full custody or shared custody... Or agree to separate and work out a arrangement where you are both looking after the kid and get to see him.

 

 

You seem tech savvy so keep all the texts and emails she sent to OM. Than at sone point in the future let the OM's wife know. I plan to, it helps with the 'healing process'

 

I just feel tired of being taken advantage of and of being a victim. Try and go for a run around the block and get some of that anger out of you. You can't just go on 'enduring life' you have to start living it. All the folks here will support you.

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Since you chose to reconcile, I would like for you to consider the following.

 

Married or divorced, you now have a child to contend with so more than ever you need professional counseling to address and resolve your resentment before it takes permanent residency in your heart and poisons all of your relationships with your loved ones. Your wife also needs this type of counseling since by her admission, she did not let go of the resentment from your bad behavior and used it to have two affairs.

 

Once the two of you are free from the resentment and desire to punish one another, Forgiveness will become a reality. Easy? Hell no! but worth it if the two of you are committed to a new, happy, healthy marriage for yourselves and your children.

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I understand your interest in the possibility of reconciliation. Reconciliation is something we do specifically for the future, not the past. If you are clear that what you want is to be in this marriage then you need to work from there. Every thought and action needs to emerge from what you want.

 

Coming into LS is okay, but the sooner you realize that the kind of advice you are going to get is to drag your past into the present to sometimes deliberately trigger you or mess with talk of other men's parts and your spouse, as soon as you realize that the majority of people are going to mock and attempt to humiliate you for staying, then you need to really focus on how much you can get from here.

 

No one here can tell you whether or not your wife is going to work out for you. There are always at least two questions: your capacity to move beyond this and her capacity to live well in the marriage once you let go of the desire to control her. The sooner she can get back to being herself the sooner the answer to your deeper questions can be answered..

 

Reconciliation is about the future, not the past.

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I wish I could explain why I am still here. Unfortunately, I can't. Something in me says that it is not time to cut her loose. For me to explain it here, I'd first have to be able to explain it to myself.

 

The one thing that immediately stands out is that we have been together for 12 years. For the vast majority of that time, she made me very happy. That said, I really don't know if there is any hope for reconciliation following such betrayal.

 

I do appreciate your kind words and advice, even if it is advice I have thus far been unwilling to utilize.

 

The person she was 12 years ago is obviously not the same person she is now.

 

I've been where you are, although was not married but in a long term relationship and yes once I discovered the cheating I played the same record you did. Thought back to the times we had, played the happy memories and yes I even factored in her issues with being assaulted when she was a teenager. I tried to take the high ground and be the good man I thought I should be, even though I was in pain..so you can guess what happened down the line. She did it again.

 

Your feelings of "disgust" for her, all the negative feelings are really how you feel. Maybe in the future they might abate, who knows you might even forgive her. But maybe this was your deal breaker, you're staying and on one hand trying to do the right thing but your mind is saying run.

 

People can come and say I person loves you whilst banging other people and lying to you. I don't believe that. A one time indiscretion might be forgivable but not twice.

 

You can still be a fantastic father to your child. But you need to do what's best for you otherwise everybody suffers.

 

Good luck.

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You definitely hit one of my worries in terms of frequency.

 

For my son, I don't have the money for a test at this point. However, I'm 99.9% sure on the date of conception, I know she did not see him on that date, and my son quite literally looks like my twin. At this point, he's my son regardless. Even so, I can't shake hearing that the other guy made jokes about paternity. How can a mother listen to those jokes, potentially (she vehemently denies it) take part in said jokes, and not be truly disgusted?

 

 

 

I'll answer the first part with a firm "I don't know." I don't think I'm mentally at the point where I can adequately examine those factors in their entirety.

 

In terms of the postnup, I live in one of the states which does not recognize them. Even so, such a document already exists, purely to show her that I mean business. She has agreed, in consideration of an additional chance, not to fight for custody of my son.

 

Beyond that, if a divorce is what happens, I'm in a better position than her. I come from a wealthy family and have already be assured that no expense will be spared in that eventuality. She comes from a poor family, we have very little money on our own, and will not be able to afford quality representation.

 

Can I stay with someone who was a serial cheater? Can I leave the woman I have loved for 12 years? Can an answer every really be clear to the person in my position?

 

I know that if she so much as flirts with another man, she'll be out on the street as soon as she can be evicted, so there's that. But I still don't know what to do today or tomorrow, even though some of you have been clear on what should happen.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this turmoil. I know you are a bigger person than my H would be. He, most certainly would drop me like a hot potato if I so much thought about a A. We have 20+ years behind us and 5 kids. This is not a hypothetical ideal, I know my H and this would be something he couldn't live with. He couldn't live with not being able to trust me wholeheartly like he has for the past 20+years. He would rather be alone for the rest of his life.

 

However, my H cheated on me 18 years ago (twice, possibly a third time). So, I suppose that would constitute him as a serial cheater. Have I forgiven him? No. Have I lived in this shadow of infidelity and lack of trust for the past 18 years? HELL YES!!

 

I'm still consumed by it (however good days out number the bad) but it's still here. I'm still coming to infidelity forums. I still want more answers that I don't dare to ask as its so far in the past that it would be too dangerous to rehash so I find other outlets.

 

Do I trust my H now? Absolutely. However it doesn't cure those racing thoughts and my insecurities of his love for me. The thoughts that because he was forced to recommit to me that he somehow missed out on finding his "true love".

 

It's a vicious cycle that stems from his infidelity 18+ years ago.

 

It's F'd up! Sure marriages that last are not without their hiccups, trials and tribulations but what you are suggesting is a life sentence for yourself of cruel and unusual punishment.

 

You must evaluate if this is worth it 5, 10, 20 years from now.

 

I hope you find your peace soon.

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1. You are in massive denial.

2. It is impossible to predict to the day when she conceived.

3. You must get a paternity test.

4. You must get tested for STD's.

 

You say you know that your wife loves you.......Oh please. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes how she feels for you and your marriage. If not caught she still would be screwing behind your back. She clearly down deep has absolutely no respect for you

what-so-ever.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? Open your eyes. If the roles were reversed would she have accepted such disrespect and humiliation from you?

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I'll try to address everything in order. In retrospect, I should have included some of these details.

 

1. The former coworker and both men have been completely removed from her life. That was one of my first demands, and the execution of that demand is frequently checked.

 

This is where I disagree. Maybe these guys aren't around any longer but THEY WERE AND THE SLEPT WITH YOUR WIFE. Not to mention that these guys are still locked away in her mind and can be brought back by just closing her eyes and their right there without you knowing about it.

 

This is why I always say that infidelity is a deal breaker. Once it happens, then they will always be a part of her life. Let's face it, we all can sit back and think of most or all of our sexual encounters.

 

Now it's one thing if they were encounters before you were married but when it happens during a marriage, then they never leave. That's why the men/women who had to be on the receiving end of infidelity have those trigger days when you hear a song or check the date and that's when you find out about the affair and the anger starts all over.

 

You gave her all the chances and it didn't work. If it's me, I hit her with divorce papers and claim your sanity back. End it get on with your life.

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I would very much like to address all of the preceding posts, but I don't have the time this afternoon. Beyond that, I feel much of what I would say would just be a repeat of last night's post. Each person who advocates for divorce may be 100% correct, but at this point I am not ready for that.

 

I am applying my "rocking chair test" to the situation. When I'm 75 and sitting on my porch in my rocking chair, will I regret the decisions I am making today?

 

I think right now I am struggling to accept a basic premise of many of your posts, that her failure to stop cheating after being caught the first time necessitates immediate divorce. My issue here is that there were in reality no consequences for her actions at that point. When everything ended, I made the worst decision possible and brushed everything under the rug.

 

So, I'm having trouble making any decision based on what happened during and after that first time. I know that sounds odd, but it's my opinion that I should judge her not by her response to a lack of consequences but rather by her response to severe consequences.

 

What is really so strange about everything since I have posted my story is that I find myself defending my decision to stay with her to this point. That will require significant thought to truly understand, but obviously hints at my desire to work things out. In reality, if she has truly changed, if that is even possible, my recent defensiveness may be considered a sign of hope. Who knows....

1. You are in massive denial.

2. It is impossible to predict to the day when she conceived.

3. You must get a paternity test.

4. You must get tested for STD's.

 

You say you know that your wife loves you.......Oh please. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes how she feels for you and your marriage. If not caught she still would be screwing behind your back. She clearly down deep has absolutely no respect for you

what-so-ever.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? Open your eyes. If the roles were reversed would she have accepted such disrespect and humiliation from you?

 

1. I do not believe I am in denial (yes, I see the irony there). I'm fully aware of what has happened, what is happening, and what may happen. My feelings do not cloud my factual knowledge, nor even my ability to analyze the situation(s). What my feelings cloud is my ability to decide to stay or leave. Thus I am not in denial, but am rather being indecisive.

 

2-3. Not really. Based on the very personal information I have regarding LMP, what was going on that week (I was out of school and spoke with her during her breaks and lunches, which is the only point they could have engaged in their activities), etc... I can state with relative certainty, as confirmed by several doctors, that he is my son and was very likely conceived on that date.

 

4. Agreed.

 

To make such determinations based solely on my 2000 words is, I would say, impossible. I don't mean this to come across as rude, but your post is both condescending and dripping with the cynicism often found to be deep rooted in those who have experienced such intense heartbreak as I am experiencing today.

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Since you chose to reconcile, I would like for you to consider the following.

 

Married or divorced, you now have a child to contend with so more than ever you need professional counseling to address and resolve your resentment before it takes permanent residency in your heart and poisons all of your relationships with your loved ones. Your wife also needs this type of counseling since by her admission, she did not let go of the resentment from your bad behavior and used it to have two affairs.

 

Once the two of you are free from the resentment and desire to punish one another, Forgiveness will become a reality. Easy? Hell no! but worth it if the two of you are committed to a new, happy, healthy marriage for yourselves and your children.

You advice is well received. Thank you.

 

I understand your interest in the possibility of reconciliation. Reconciliation is something we do specifically for the future, not the past. If you are clear that what you want is to be in this marriage then you need to work from there. Every thought and action needs to emerge from what you want.

 

Coming into LS is okay, but the sooner you realize that the kind of advice you are going to get is to drag your past into the present to sometimes deliberately trigger you or mess with talk of other men's parts and your spouse, as soon as you realize that the majority of people are going to mock and attempt to humiliate you for staying, then you need to really focus on how much you can get from here.

 

No one here can tell you whether or not your wife is going to work out for you. There are always at least two questions: your capacity to move beyond this and her capacity to live well in the marriage once you let go of the desire to control her. The sooner she can get back to being herself the sooner the answer to your deeper questions can be answered..

 

Reconciliation is about the future, not the past.

 

I wanted to take some time to directly respond to your post as well.

 

Your overall point is one which I need to remain conscious of. I think I am focusing so much on the past, the imagery, the pain, an whatever else to the point that I am unable to even see the present, let alone the future.

 

In terms of what I am set to receive from this site, I hope you are incorrect. That said, this is the internet and trolls and cynics abound. Unhappily I have already found that what you say is inevitable. Happily, I've also found that I get two very specific things from my posts: 1. people like you and some others have already given me kind, valued, and in at least the case of Mal78, experienced advice/guidance; 2. I feel better by simply telling my story and explaining my thoughts.

 

Thank you for taking your wise advice.

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What is really so strange about everything since I have posted my story is that I find myself defending my decision to stay with her to this point. That will require significant thought to truly understand, but obviously hints at my desire to work things out. In reality, if she has truly changed, if that is even possible, my recent defensiveness may be considered a sign of hope. Who knows....

 

Defensiveness isn't any sign of hope. It's evidence of defending something that should never be there (the reality of what is real).

 

From my perspective = wasted energy... IF the bad behavior had not been present there would be no reason to focus on it.

 

And her behavior isn't YOURS to defend... If anything she should be willing to own her bad behavior and change who she is.

 

She's shown you who she is and what she's capable of with hurting you while pretending to love you.

 

Now you've agreed to lower the bar by "accepting" her back when she really hasn't changed nor done the hard work to repair the damage she caused.

 

You've forgiven her when she hasn't changed a thing.

 

You can rethink betraying yourself that way.

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