billy baru Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Help them out? I had an interesting IC session today. My counselor ( who pretty much thinks that my WS is a narcissistic, histrionic personality) asked me today what I "would do" if she attempted to take her life if/when her affair ended. I guess I surprised him with the quickness of my reply; that I would support my kids through the situation & take them to her if they wanted to. I would not want to see her, would DEFINITELY not "help" pay for hospitalization, doctors, shrinks, etc. My focus would be on the kids, and our family. I guess I'd feel sorry for her, but that's it. I'd definitely hope that she got the help she needed to address her issue.. Any other BS's feel this way? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Very, very honest answer? No, I wouldn't - and most likely, couldn't - help them. People who intend to take their lives rarely make an announcement. I'd inform the family if I noticed something of course and her doctor maybe or people who are specialized to deal with people who turn to suicide rather than give WS a final way to pressure me. But being by his side forever after and helping him with his problems by helping him to hide at home? No. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Our OW tried to commit suicide after the A ended- her family contacted ME as she wanted to hear from my husband- I told him about it and asked what he wanted to do- his response was- nothing, he wanted to do nothing at all- I know that was not the question you posed but it reminded me of it- Now to answer- we are in reconciliation and a large part of it is getting him mentally healthy again-he has a tremendous amount of guilt and shame over what he did that eats away at him and yes, I help him sort through it- If we were not still together, I am not sure what I would do for him, but I do know I would support my children- Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I'm not a BS but if I were I'd probably just see it as being more manipulative behavior from someone who just does or says whatever just to get their way. So no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 To be honest, I wouldn't cheer and say I want this person dead, but I wouldn't be rushing over to save them either. I would NOT let them manipulate me. I wouldn't play their games. They talk about suicide? Okay, I either call the cops or I let one of their family members know so they can deal with it. Since sorry, you don't get to cheat on me and then drop all your burdens on me, and expect me to be there for you. The second you cheat on me is the second I stop giving any real damn about you. If I had kids with the person I'd only give a damn about anything with them as it relates to the kids, but otherwise nope. You are a cheater..you don't need my help, go a family member, because I am NOT your family anymore. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 One afternoon shorly after D-Day, my wife confided in me that she spent the morning thinking of killing herself. I wrote back. " What a coincidence, I spent the morning thinking about killing you too." Yeah... I got that email read back to me in a therapy session. lol. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Yes, he's still my child's father. I would help him and want him to get healthy and better for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 One afternoon shorly after D-Day, my wife confided in me that she spent the morning thinking of killing herself. I wrote back. " What a coincidence, I spent the morning thinking about killing you too." Yeah... I got that email read back to me in a therapy session. lol. That did give me a giggle, what did your therapist focus on more, you thinking about Killing her or her thinking about killing herself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 My ex attempted it three times, first time just one month before I moved out of our home but just after I had already secured a new place for myself. I had started packing moving boxes when her first attempt occurred. She took 185 extra strength Tylenol dissolved in a large glass of water, she than drove to the country and sat in her car on a seldomly used dirt road talking to her priest on her cell phone. They tracked her by her cell phone. She made it very clear that she would try it again if I left her. I left her after I made sure her family got involved and she had the necessary psychiatric help. No way would I be blackmailed into staying with her. The second time I visited her at the hospital but that is all. Each time it was always the same thing. I still have visions of her with her black lips and teeth, guess they pump you full of charcoal to absorb the medications they overdosed on. Third time I was told about it but I stayed no contact with her, I still am no contact and unlisted. I can't worry about her anymore, she's someone else's problem now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 One afternoon shorly after D-Day, my wife confided in me that she spent the morning thinking of killing herself. I wrote back. " What a coincidence, I spent the morning thinking about killing you too." Yeah... I got that email read back to me in a therapy session. lol. Were you bummed out when she didn't go through with it? Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Were you bummed out when she didn't go through with it? That's an unnecessary comment. No matter how good or bad a person is, I can't imagine any good person being "bummed out" that someone didn't commit suicide. That's simply effed up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I've been suicidal before and currently dealing with my stepdaughter who is suicidal and in an adolescent psychiatric ward. She supposedly told a few people, but not us. It would have been nice if the person who knew told us. At the time I wanted to end my life, my marriage wasn't in good shape. My husband called my brother because that's my closest family member. Being cheated on sucks, but if you currently know your WS is suicidal at least saying something to their family members is the right thing to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 That's an unnecessary comment. No matter how good or bad a person is, I can't imagine any good person being "bummed out" that someone didn't commit suicide. That's simply effed up! I didn't mean it to be callous at all. Honestly, based on the overall tenor of opinions regarding WS's, it would not be surprising or necessarily unnatural for someone to admit that at least a part of a BS might feel that way. I mean, when a friend of mine was killed, I will readily admit that part of me wished death on the murderer. We are human with human emotions, and we do not tend to value the lives of people we see as bad, inferior, or unredeemable. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I didn't mean it to be callous at all. Honestly, based on the overall tenor of opinions regarding WS's, it would not be surprising or necessarily unnatural for someone to admit that at least a part of a BS might feel that way. I mean, when a friend of mine was killed, I will readily admit that part of me wished death on the murderer. We are human with human emotions, and we do not tend to value the lives of people we see as bad, inferior, or unredeemable. I think there's a difference between someone being murdered and a BS wishing their WS killed themselves. Even when my H cheated on me, I didn't wish he would end his life. That's absurd IMO. He has family members who love him and don't deserve going through that. His children would suffer. I'm sorry, but I can't understand the desire of wanting someone you once loved to end their life. I don't think a BS should be expected to help the WS. However, I strongly believe that at least letting someone know who can help the WS is the right thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
duckrabbit Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 My WW has already told me that, if her A is to be the end of our marriage, then I should seriously be concerned about her killing herself. A little over a week ago, she even seriously considered stepping out of her car in the path of an oncoming train. I already have a plan in place for what steps to take to ensure her safety if D becomes the necessary solution. I also know that, ultimately, her actions are beyond my control. It's quite the conundrum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 My WW has already told me that, if her A is to be the end of our marriage, then I should seriously be concerned about her killing herself. A little over a week ago, she even seriously considered stepping out of her car in the path of an oncoming train. I already have a plan in place for what steps to take to ensure her safety if D becomes the necessary solution. I also know that, ultimately, her actions are beyond my control. It's quite the conundrum. If ending the marriage was something that would make her go suicidal she wouldn't have jeopardized it in the first place by having an affair. Think man, think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
duckrabbit Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 No kidding. I've already thought of that, but it sure doesn't seem like she did. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 That did give me a giggle, what did your therapist focus on more, you thinking about Killing her or her thinking about killing herself? From what I recall the focus was on why I wouldn't take something like that more seriously and asking whether I was just being callous as a way of punishing. Sort of me taking an opportunity to say yah you're in pain but I'm in more pain kind of thing. for my wife the focus was why she would even say something like that and what kind of response she was hoping for. Someone else asked if I would have been bummed out if she did it. I think that's a good honest question really. Because there was a time when I actually thought her just being gone would have been easier. Seems crazy now, but a lot of stuff seems crazy now. I had some suicidal thoughts at one point. Just thoughts. Like how would everyone feel and what I'd say in a note. That kind of stuff. Never really considering it but definitely better understanding how people end up out on the ledge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I am not a BS but I do have some familiarity with suicide. My answer is that if I think anybody is serious about taking their own life, I will work to have them involuntarily committed for their own safety. I might not pay for it or go visit them but I would make sure they get help, especially if the person was my children's other parent, yes I would move heaven & earth to get them help. I had to watch an EX's son deal with his father's suicide. It screwed that poor kid up in ways we are still learning about 9 years later. For your kids' sake if you think your EX is serious get her some help. If you think it's narcissism & a play for attention, you can ignore. You don't have to visit or go to support group meetings but you probably do need to drive your kids to any family support counseling sessions required to keep them sane, 2 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 A few months after DDay, exMM made a feeble attempt at suicide. He made sure to let everyone know ahead of time. Me, his BS, his best friend. They barely kept him on a psych hold. The event conveniently coincided with his wife's decision to leave him. She ended up nursing him back to health and staying. Genuine suicidal tendancies should be taken very seriously, as they are obviously a disturbing symptom of a serious mental disorder, such as depression, that requires treatment. Threats of suicide used as a manipulative technique, however, are cowardly and abhorrent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 My exH said the same thing about being suicidal a few months after I left him and filed for divorce. So I told him that he should go to a place and he checked himself into one that day. The place called me to set up a group session but I told the guy on the phone that I am divorcing him so there's really no point. I let his parents take it from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 One afternoon shorly after D-Day, my wife confided in me that she spent the morning thinking of killing herself. I wrote back. " What a coincidence, I spent the morning thinking about killing you too." Yeah... I got that email read back to me in a therapy session. lol. I love that ... but you should have been more diplomatic ... especially with written words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 My ex attempted it three times, first time just one month before I moved out of our home but just after I had already secured a new place for myself. I had started packing moving boxes when her first attempt occurred. She took 185 extra strength Tylenol dissolved in a large glass of water, she than drove to the country and sat in her car on a seldomly used dirt road talking to her priest on her cell phone. They tracked her by her cell phone. It was not intended deep down as a real suicide ... it was a cry for help. If she was serious about it ... she would not have contacted the priest. It's very easy to find someone talking on their cellphone in the middle of nowhere; much harder in the city. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 i am absolutely stunned at the callous (holier than thou) attitudes. WS is STILL a human being. and still the parent of your child. do you want to share your responses to your children: "mommy why did you not do anything?" "son he cheated on me so you no longer have a daddy because my pain of losing the M is greater than you not having a dad" entire religions are based on correcting mistakes. and that all A is. fine, the M is over but not to take some time out of your life to save a human being: call the police (in USA they can be placed in a facility for 72 hours), attend a therapy session or two. [i am withholding my disgust as i am hopeful the initial responses were done withOUT considering the ramifications] 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Well, beat, you should read the posts on some other sites where people cheer when a WS gets set on fire or shot..... Anyhoo, apparently there is no such thing as suicide; there are only manipulative bids for attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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