Confessions of a female serial cheater

[Gigigirl]

First time poster. I need somewhere to get this all out so here it goes. I am a female serial emotional cheater. I have emotional cheated on my boyfriend/fiance' our whole relationship. We have been together almost 10 years and I would say I have emotional cheated once a year( for months at a time) every year of the relationship. In the beginning of my relationship, I had multiple EA’s going at one time at a call center job I worked at. It was really bad, I had AP’s arguing and fighting over me and they had no idea I was already in a relationship. I had a supervisor completely smitten that he moved me up to team leader position I DID NOT have enough experience for at the time.

 

Sometimes I meet new people and I start up with them and then sometimes I just recycle old AP’s from the past. ALL of my AP’s end up wanting more than I can give, so I usually just disappear on them for a while and pop back up when I think the feelings have died down. I don’t know why I do this, I love my BF very much and have never physically cheated on him. I usually pick AP’s that I know I have no long term interest in, makes them easier to cut off. I have a couple of AP’s I do care about and haven’t been able to fully cut off so I just keep recycling them and then dropping them when they start expecting more. Some of my AP’s know I am in a relationship, some don’t.

 

I have this overwhelming sense of entitlement and it is starting to worry me, some of my AP’s have been in relationships as well. I can’t help it, I start getting bored and then I feel like I deserve someone new and fun to talk to. I don’t feel much guilt AT ALL, and partly because I have never physically cheated. I can only go a few months before I need someone besides my BF to talk to. We have been together so long it gets boring but I love him and don’t want anyone else and our sex life is GREAT. My Bf is just a little on the dull side, I love talking to new people and a lot of the time it is not my intention to start an EA but it just happens! And the dudes start falling in love and then the fun ends and I have head for the hills. I try to stop and tell myself this is the last time but I can’t. One time I ended the EA with one of my AP’s and then within the same week I dumped him, I was already in an EA with someone new! Granted I started talking to the new guy while still talking to the old one. I have hurt a lot of men with my games but I can’t help it. I don’t know why I do this!

 

And my BF has caught me doing this numerous times but I always find a way to play it off, make it seem less serious. He gets upset but forgives me and still loves me and asks me not to do it again, then everything is fine until the next time he catches me. He has even revenge flirted purposefully on Facebook to show me how it feels and I admit that I didn’t like the feeling BUT it isn’t enough to stop me! I love my BF and we have 2 beautiful kids together and are planning a wedding very soon. I don’t want to continue this into my married life. I am worried I am getting out of control, NO MAN seems off limits to me, and it doesn’t help that all my AP’s fall into my hands like putty. I know it’s kinda twisted but I feel like I am not having sex with them so it’s not a big deal. Do I know they desire me? Yes. Do I know they would have sex with me if I allowed it? Yes. Do I use those things against them to continue getting what I want? Yes. I just want to figure out why I do this and why I don’t feel much guilt even after being caught multiple times…Am I doomed to always feel like this??

[TrustedthenBusted]

First question you need to be asking yourself is " Am I ready for marriage?"

 

 

Hint: It's a rhetorical question.

[autumnnight]

This is going to sound like a stock answer, but I highly recommend individual counseling. With a really good behavioral therapist, not one of those hippie "feeeeel yourself" types. For whatever reason, this has become your go-to security or coping mechanism. Because I believe people can better themselves and am not a fatalist, I believe with hard work you can overcome this. But you have to be committed to it.

 

I would also sit your fiance down and tell him all of this. He needs to really KNOW.

[Broom]

I suspect you have ego and insecurity issues. This harem of guys you keep in your pocket are to bolster that fragile ego and make you feel desired and wanted.

 

Your BF doesn't do it anymore because you already HAVE him. And it's no longer fresh and new.

 

You constantly feel the need to win over and make new guys fall for you because you get off on the high that [he] is so attracted to you that you can make him do your bidding.

 

This is what you keep searching for. You would need to get to the bottom of why you constantly seek out this feeling.

[SycamoreCircle]

Here's the reason you do this: you've never gotten to know yourself. You've never been alone and spent time figuring out who you are, what gives you identity, what your spirit inside requires. There are parts of you that could have very peculiar tastes, very small things which speak only to you, but you have no sense of these things because you're scrambling to get affirmation from everyone around you.

 

Sadly, you need to be out of your current relationship. You need to spend some time figuring out what makes you feel complete independent of men, independent of relationships, independent of emotional leeching, independent of sex.

 

Only boring people get bored.

[aliveagain]

You sound like a keeper. Your playing with peoples lives, what if one of them is emotionally unstable and takes his own life? You need to get help with someone experienced with infidelity before you really hurt someone. You need to find out what is at the root of your behaviour because no relationship will ever work out for you until you find out why you need so much outside validation from other men. Your boyfriend is probably already having doubts about his relationship with you and it's just a matter of time before he permanently takes himself out of infidelity. Contact an experienced counsellor and get some independent counselling to find out about any FOO issues that may be causing your behaviour. There is something very wrong with your behaviour.

[Satu]

You need to commit to long-term therapy.

 

You need to be mended.

[bubbaganoosh]

There's a old saying. "What goes around, comes around." Someday it will and you'll find out the hard way when someone does you wrong and your on the receiving end. Then and only then will you understand.

 

Where I come from, your known as a tease. Look. it's your life and you do what you want to do but just remember that there are some guys who take exception to being played and there are some who don't pay nice when it happens. In other word, your playing a dangerous game and one day (and I hope it doesn't come to it) you'll play the wrong guy and you might wind up getting the mother of all ass kickings, and when you home healing from it maybe you'll think about getting a new change of attitude and learn how to treat people right. Just saying kid. You better be careful.

[Gigigirl]

First question you need to be asking yourself is " Am I ready for marriage?"

 

 

Hint: It's a rhetorical question.

 

Why thank you Mr. Obvious. I know I am not ready until I get this, whatever this is under control. Hence why I am here spilling my guts...

[Gigigirl]

This is going to sound like a stock answer, but I highly recommend individual counseling. With a really good behavioral therapist, not one of those hippie "feeeeel yourself" types. For whatever reason, this has become your go-to security or coping mechanism. Because I believe people can better themselves and am not a fatalist, I believe with hard work you can overcome this. But you have to be committed to it.

 

I would also sit your fiance down and tell him all of this. He needs to really KNOW.

 

Thank you. I have been considering therapy and will probably due this before we set a date. You are right that I need to explain in better detail to my BF exactly what I have been doing. He just always seems so relieved that I never had sex with anyone else, that I figured that was more important to him.

[autumnnight]

Thank you. I have been considering therapy and will probably due this before we set a date. You are right that I need to explain in better detail to my BF exactly what I have been doing. He just always seems so relieved that I never had sex with anyone else, that I figured that was more important to him.

 

For many men, the big thing at first is the sex. But, he needs to understand that while you are not giving your body to others, you have been giving yourself to others. And here's the hard part: every time you do that in the wrong context (and cheating is wrong), you lose that part of yourself. This probably sounds hokey and cheesy to some, but when you are broken and give pieces of yourself away to try to fix it, you just get broken into more pieces. Meanwhile your fiance is breathing a sigh of relief that you haven't slept with anyone else while at the same time not realizing just how dangerous and damaging spreading around those other types of intimacy is.

 

I believe what you are doing is wrong and crappy. But hey, you will get plenty of that from others. My forte is more trying to figure out a solution. Understand that a REAL solution might include losing your fiance. But this is something that WILL eventually result in you sleeping with someone else. It is only a matter of time. And if you are indiscriminate, it will also become dangerous.

 

I would look into CBT.

[Gigigirl]

I suspect you have ego and insecurity issues. This harem of guys you keep in your pocket are to bolster that fragile ego and make you feel desired and wanted.

 

Your BF doesn't do it anymore because you already HAVE him. And it's no longer fresh and new.

 

You constantly feel the need to win over and make new guys fall for you because you get off on the high that [he] is so attracted to you that you can make him do your bidding.

 

This is what you keep searching for. You would need to get to the bottom of why you constantly seek out this feeling.

 

Thank you. You are right, it does feel like a game to me. I am very competitive in all areas of my life, so I do feel as if I won when I get a new guy/ or old guy to fall for me but that's where the fun ends. Once I know I have them, I no longer want them. I don't want to think this way anymore...

[Gigigirl]

Here's the reason you do this: you've never gotten to know yourself. You've never been alone and spent time figuring out who you are, what gives you identity, what your spirit inside requires. There are parts of you that could have very peculiar tastes, very small things which speak only to you, but you have no sense of these things because you're scrambling to get affirmation from everyone around you.

 

Sadly, you need to be out of your current relationship. You need to spend some time figuring out what makes you feel complete independent of men, independent of relationships, independent of emotional leeching, independent of sex.

 

Only boring people get bored.

 

Thank you. I agree I never truly figured out me and what I want. My BF is older than me and we have been together since I was 17. My first and only relationship. I have been in a relationship my entire adult life, I have never been by myself.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, what is something you've always wanted to do by yourself but never had the courage?

[Clay]

I think you probably should just work on being single. The more you try to figure yourself out while your in a relationship the more your just going to hurt your BF. Give him a chance to move on and find a woman that will love him like he deserves. Your not ready for any kind of a relationship at this point and the sooner you realize that the sooner you will get yourself back on your feet.

 

Clay

[loveboid]

Is there someone in your life who you tried to get attention from and couldn't? You threw out all the stops, the charm, and got crumbs? Maybe a father or father figure?

 

I'm guessing it's a family member because you stop short at sex.

 

Other poster is right, some guys exist who won't stop at no sex with you like a family member would.

[Gigigirl]

You sound like a keeper. Your playing with peoples lives, what if one of them is emotionally unstable and takes his own life? You need to get help with someone experienced with infidelity before you really hurt someone. You need to find out what is at the root of your behaviour because no relationship will ever work out for you until you find out why you need so much outside validation from other men. Your boyfriend is probably already having doubts about his relationship with you and it's just a matter of time before he permanently takes himself out of infidelity. Contact an experienced counsellor and get some independent counselling to find out about any FOO issues that may be causing your behaviour. There is something very wrong with your behaviour.

 

I know there is something wrong and it is worrying me, that's why I am here. My BF is more worried about me leaving him, I am younger than him and he is my only relationship were as he has experinced lots of different women. That and the fact that I never crossed any physical lines, is the reason I believe he keeps forgiving me.

 

That would be absoultely horrible if someone unstable tried to kill themselves over an EA, but that speaks more to that person personally I think...

 

The reason I am even confessing all this is because before finding this site/board I didn't see anything wrong with what I was doing. I didn't know "emotional cheating" was a thing! I thought cheating was just physical and I have NEVER done that or WANTED to for that matter. The only person I want touching me is my BF. I honestly believed that all my EA were just friendship...albeit friendships my BF would have been jealous of . It wasn't until I came across this site to learn that I have been emotionally cheating all these years. I want to fix this.

[Confused48]

That would be absoultely horrible if someone unstable tried to kill themselves over an EA, but that speaks more to that person personally I think...

 

I think you are a thoughtful enough and reasonably normal enough of a person that IF someone were to kill themselves, or even harm themselves, as a result of your games, THEN you would know how wrong what you say above is. You would feel the terrible weight of your actions, the rest of your life. It would bear very heavily on you and you would very much regret it.

 

Unfortunately, me telling you this will likely have no effect. You will have to learn the hard way. I hope I am wrong about that.

[Gigigirl]

There's a old saying. "What goes around, comes around." Someday it will and you'll find out the hard way when someone does you wrong and your on the receiving end. Then and only then will you understand.

 

Where I come from, your known as a tease. Look. it's your life and you do what you want to do but just remember that there are some guys who take exception to being played and there are some who don't pay nice when it happens. In other word, your playing a dangerous game and one day (and I hope it doesn't come to it) you'll play the wrong guy and you might wind up getting the mother of all ass kickings, and when you home healing from it maybe you'll think about getting a new change of attitude and learn how to treat people right. Just saying kid. You better be careful.

 

I agree with what you are saying and I see your point, however I don't deserve for someone to put their hands on me just because I don't want to be with them. That's extreme.

 

But I do not want to play these games anymore, I do not want to put myself in danger or hurt my family. I want to change.

[Gigigirl]

Is there someone in your life who you tried to get attention from and couldn't? You threw out all the stops, the charm, and got crumbs? Maybe a father or father figure?

 

I'm guessing it's a family member because you stop short at sex.

 

Other poster is right, some guys exist who won't stop at no sex with you like a family member would.

 

I had an excellent, wonderful relationship with my father....until he died when I was 14. My mom never really paid much attention to me but I never really cared as long as my dad thought I was wonderful, intelligent and beautiful. My dad was always the one at my track meets, or honor roll ceremonies, my mom who was a housewife, only cared about herself.

 

I am confused by your last statement...what are you saying?

[elaine567]

That would be absoultely horrible if someone unstable tried to kill themselves over an EA, but that speaks more to that person personally I think...

 

 

Do you have a problem with empathising with other people?

You seem to be able to ride roughshod over other peoples lives with little care for them, never a second glance.

YOU seem to be able to pick them up and let them down at will, are you not aware of how THEY must be feeling?

Would it not occur to you that you may be to blame if someone YOU treated badly committed suicide?

You would absolve yourself of ALL responsibility???

[Gigigirl]

I think you are a thoughtful enough and reasonably normal enough of a person that IF someone were to kill themselves, or even harm themselves, as a result of your games, THEN you would know how wrong what you say above is. You would feel the terrible weight of your actions, the rest of your life. It would bear very heavily on you and you would very much regret it.

 

Unfortunately, me telling you this will likely have no effect. You will have to learn the hard way. I hope I am wrong about that.

 

YES I would feel horrible forever if someone did that BUT I can't take the whole blame for that. That is extreme. That's like saying if I break up with my BF and he kills himself, it's 100% my fault and not due to any issues he had prior... but yes if that happened I would never forgive myself probably.

[Gigigirl]

Do you have a problem with empathising with other people?

You seem to be able to ride roughshod over other peoples lives with little care for them, never a second glance.

YOU seem to be able to pick them up and let them down at will, are you not aware of how THEY must be feeling?

Would it not occur to you that you may be to blame if someone YOU treated badly committed suicide?

You would absolve yourself of ALL responsibility???

 

OMG! This is not what my thread is about! These a very extreme scenarios and yes in that particular scenario I would feel 100% awful. Yes I have hurt some feelings, broken some hearts, but from what I can see all my exAP's are doing just fine, not committing suicides. I don't even like to entertain thoughts like that.

 

And like I said, I don't set out to use people, or stomp on their feelings. I starts out like a friendship and then next thing I know, I'm in an EA again. It's not like I am selling these guys dreams or lies of being together one day. I make no promises and let them all know I only want a friendship. I am very clear on that. I tell them to date and see other girls.

[Confused48]

YES I would feel horrible forever if someone did that BUT I can't take the whole blame for that. That is extreme. That's like saying if I break up with my BF and he kills himself, it's 100% my fault and not due to any issues he had prior... but yes if that happened I would never forgive myself probably.

 

Ok, no. I did not mean you would take 100% fault. I just meant it would be very traumatic, you would blame yourself to some degree and suffer greatly bc of it. You would never look at yourself or life the same again. You would be permanently damaged.

[elaine567]

OMG! This is not what my thread is about! These a very extreme scenarios and yes in that particular scenario I would feel 100% awful. Yes I have hurt some feelings, broken some hearts, but from what I can see all my exAP's are doing just fine, not committing suicides. I don't even like to entertain thoughts like that.

 

And like I said, I don't set out to use people, or stomp on their feelings. I starts out like a friendship and then next thing I know, I'm in an EA again. It's not like I am selling these guys dreams or lies of being together one day. I make no promises and let them all know I only want a friendship. I am very clear on that. I tell them to date and see other girls.

 

In the beginning of my relationship, I had multiple EA’s going at one time at a call center job I worked at. It was really bad, I had AP’s arguing and fighting over me and they had no idea I was already in a relationship. I had a supervisor completely smitten that he moved me up to team leader position I DID NOT have enough experience for at the time.

 

Sometimes I meet new people and I start up with them and then sometimes I just recycle old AP’s from the past. ALL of my AP’s end up wanting more than I can give, so I usually just disappear on them for a while and pop back up when I think the feelings have died down. I don’t know why I do this, I love my BF very much and have never physically cheated on him. I usually pick AP’s that I know I have no long term interest in, makes them easier to cut off. I have a couple of AP’s I do care about and haven’t been able to fully cut off so I just keep recycling them and then dropping them when they start expecting more. Some of my AP’s know I am in a relationship, some don’t.

 

I have this overwhelming sense of entitlement and it is starting to worry me, some of my AP’s have been in relationships as well. I can’t help it, I start getting bored and then I feel like I deserve someone new and fun to talk to. I don’t feel much guilt AT ALL, and partly because I have never physically cheated.

 

Do not turn this around to only being about the suicide angle; your treatment of these men is shocking.