Story from a BS - the OW was my best friend!

[alabamagtg]

I'm 34, and have a 5-year-old daughter. We live in Montgomery, AL.

 

Last night my husband had told me he'd been having an affair with my best friend Angela (or Angie, as I call her) [names changed for privacy] since early December 2010, but it didn't start officially until January 2011, and that she's thrown her husband out, told him that she didn't love him anymore, and he's moved back in with his Mom, and that he's going to move in with Angela next week.

 

This is strange, there'd been no signs he was having an affair, nothing obvious to me, I mean he'd bought new suits but that wasn't evidence of an affair, he has to travel for work, his job requires it, he works at a high level, doing negotiations. However, I earn a bit more than him, but, in all fairness, were both well-paid.

 

Angela lives not far from me, we've known each other since we were 18 and in college, and her husband introduced me to my now-husband aged 21! Unlike me, she has no kids.

 

She gets told how much she looks like Catherine Willows from CSI off men.

 

We're middle-class couple and our relationship's interracial; I'm white, my husband's African-American.

 

Angie's a redhead, Scottish-American, she's also in an interracial relationship, married to a Chinese-American guy she's known since we met in college.

 

He then went on to admit how he'd spent a lot of money on wining and dining her, fancy hotels, flights, etc. and said that our relationship was growing stale, and things would be, in his words, " H - O - T" with Angela and that their relationship would be hot every day, they'd get to have hot sex and unlimited passion everyday, and that it wouldn't be "boring" like ours.

 

He then went on to show me pictures of Angela in tiny croptops and hotpants posing on her bed, and said how I'd look awful in a croptop/halfshirt, but Angie wouldn't! WTH?

 

How could he do this to me? And with my best friend I'd known since I was <a teenager>?

 

I think I need to shine a bit of reality into their "relationship". I probably shouldn't worry about it, but how long before the fantasy-vs-reality thing kicks in for them, big time?

 

When they're living together and having to see each other daily, what problems will they have? I suppose this'd be useful for anyone who thinks that their AP is their soulmate; he actually took refuge in audacity last night, telling me Angie was his "soulmate" and that she only married her husband for his money (when Angie was fairly wealthy anyway!) and found my husband more attractive, she said her husband was boring, obese and hated his tiny dick (these are my husband's words, not hers).

 

Her husband's a nice guy and shouldn't have to suffer this jerkass behavior.

 

What problems will Angie and my husband have to face, apart from me, the BS who's feeling stressed and unhappy, when reality sets in?

 

Moving would be disruptive to my daughter's education, and even though I'm a freelancer, could make it hard for my existing client base.

 

I'm obviously going to have to divorce my husband, but i'll have to wait until he gets home from work, he's on business for 3 days now, gone across the state border.

 

This situation of BS and MM with OW situation is stressing me out a lot, and I worry about how the whole thing will implode or explode.

 

I'm in shock as he only told me this at 11pm last night.

 

I don't really know what to do.

 

Should I confront Angie (the OW) over this, go to counseling, or are there any other options. Is going NC with Angie worth it, or harder to do, considering she lives locally and is seen around the neighborhood? As for my husband, I probably will have to go NC, and force him to leave anyway.

 

What's been your experience, if you've been a BS in this situation, has your husband ever run off with your best friend, and how have you coped?

 

I'm using a shared computer here, public Wi-Fi, so I'll respond a bit later.

Edited January 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jm2013]

First off I think you should ditch your "friend". No real friendship would have allowed for this to happen in the first place. Second, let your husband go be with her. Maybe it's good that he's gone for 3 days. It will allow you to pack his stuff up and have it waiting for the door when he gets home so you can send him on his way. It sounds like you're more in line with divorce. He will probably beg you back when he's done with your friend. I guess at that point you'll have to decide what you really want to do with your life. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you find your peace soon.

[scatterd]

Oh Angie I am so sorry for your pain. I do not have all the answers but the fog will wear off, First before you file I would try to get pictures of them together if you can. Try to find emails.receipts and such showing their cheating. This will help your case. After that I would confront your not friend and tell her you are going to sue her for alienation of affection.Look it up. Kick their sorry arses to the curb find someone who will treat you better. Treating yourself better and improving is the best way to get back.Big Hugs

[WonderWoman911]

Woww, I'm definitely sorry that you're going through this. I would definitely get a divorce. Your husband shows NO remorse about what he's doing. It sounds like he'll continue to have this affair with her. He's telling you how they have passionate sex everyday, he's spending large amounts of money on her, criticizing your body image, saying the marriage is growing stale, then says that she's his "SOULMATE?? WOW! He has a lot of nerve. And this has been going on for YEARS!

 

 

I would confront her just to ask her why and how could she do something like that to you. After you get your answer, I wouldn't communicate with her ever again. I don't care if she lives close to you. Don't deal with that backstabber. This is going to continue to happen between them unfortunately, so I would divorce him. Allow the two pieces of trash be together. Be strong in the midst of this for you and your child. You can go to counseling for yourself if you feel the need to help cope you through this time of need.

[MJJean]

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

I agree with the others..he doesn't sound like he feels any remorse for the hurt he has caused you and his behavior has been nothing short of cruel. Showing you pictures of her so he can tell you how you don't measure up? Talking about their sex life and comparing it to yours? Really? How unnecessarily mean spirited!

 

He's gone for a few days. Go to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Pack up his stuff and set it on her lawn. Tell her she can have him with your compliments and that you hope that when they've been together for a while and the relationship "gets boring" she'll be ok with him treating her the same way he has treated you. After all, it's nothing more than what she deserves.

[HereNorThere]

Are you into Chinese guys? I hear there's a really nice, newly single one in your neighborhood that could probably relate with you.

 

I'm going to be quite honest, I wouldn't be able to speak with either of them again. I think your best bet is to move away from them and never look back. This is such a deep, dark betrayal that I don't think I could survive without creating a new life for myself.

 

I hope you're okay and I wish you the best. For now, surround yourself with other people who love and support you. Get into counseling and make sure you stay far, far away from both of them. You will gain NOTHING by sticking around for another beating.

[Mal78]

You definitely come off as being in shock. I couldn't fathom being told in the manner you were.

 

Your WH didn't have an ounce of remorse or compassion for how this might make you feel especially if you weren't hunting him in suspicion.

 

You don't have a BF. She wrote you off the second she crossed that line with your WH as did he.

 

Of course it does sound like you are smart, level headed and mature so for future dealings as co-parents hopefully it can be amicable.

 

One day, hopefully soon you will see your WH gave you an incredible gift. You get to be liberated from his BS.

 

((Hugs)) hope you find peace soon.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Well I'm a big fan of reconciliation, but I'm an even bigger fan of not letting the door hit a wayward' on the way out if out is what they want.

 

Since this guy is already set on moving in with his "soulmate" my advice to you is to let her have his trifling ass, then sit back and enjoy the eventual fireworks.

 

Don't be shocked if he seemingly forgets about the kids either. My father pulled the same thing and I didn't see him for 25 years.

[alabamagtg]

Thank you for all your advice so far.

 

As for when reality hits them, what will be their biggest issues, aside from H having to pay child support? I know people on here will probably say dirty underwear and bills - it always gets mentioned, but how true is it in reality, or is it just a cliche that's often said? I remember there was a now-notorious thread on here called "You haven't washed his underwear!".

 

Do you think once the "affair fog" has gone he'll try and come back to me?

 

Still trying to cope, but it's not easy for me, particularly when you consider how long they've been doing it for - we were engaged between 2008 and 2009, got married in April 2010, it shocks me.

[jm2013]

Thank you for all your advice so far.

 

As for when reality hits them, what will be their biggest issues, aside from H having to pay child support? I know people on here will probably say dirty underwear and bills - it always gets mentioned, but how true is it in reality, or is it just a cliche that's often said? I remember there was a now-notorious thread on here called "You haven't washed his underwear!".

 

Do you think once the "affair fog" has gone he'll try and come back to me?

 

Still trying to cope, but it's not easy for me, particularly when you consider how long they've been doing it for - we were engaged between 2008 and 2009, got married in April 2010, it shocks me.

 

 

The reality is he destroyed his marriage and will regret it once things finish off with your best friend. Once that is done and you're gone he'll be left with nothing. This is when he'll hit the bottom and come to self reflections of who he is as a person. During this time I'm sure he'll come knocking on your door trying to get you back. He'll woo you with words, actions and whatever it takes for you to forget about what just happened and take him back again. You guys have a kid right? I'm sure he'll also try to come back because of this. It has to be a terrible feeling knowing you destroyed your family and having to explain to your kids later on in life that you f'd it all up to go play around on your spouse.

[spanz1]

Is there more to this story you are not sharing? like have you been refusing him sex? has he asked for certain sex acts, and you called him a perv? did you berate him often? dominate him? cheat on him?

 

 

he was being unusually cruel to you to show you hot pictures of his GF, and then say you would never look good dressed sexy like that. I was wondering why he grew to despise you so much?

 

 

if you honestly can not figure out something you did to cause his behavior, then you are really going to be better off without him. the spark is long gone from your marriage.

[Realist3]

Thank you for all your advice so far.

 

As for when reality hits them, what will be their biggest issues, aside from H having to pay child support? I know people on here will probably say dirty underwear and bills - it always gets mentioned, but how true is it in reality, or is it just a cliche that's often said? I remember there was a now-notorious thread on here called "You haven't washed his underwear!".

 

Do you think once the "affair fog" has gone he'll try and come back to me?

 

Still trying to cope, but it's not easy for me, particularly when you consider how long they've been doing it for - we were engaged between 2008 and 2009, got married in April 2010, it shocks me.

 

 

Sorry to say... no. The affair fog doesn't really last all that long, and certainly not 4+ years.

 

 

I know people on here will probably say dirty underwear and bills - it always gets mentioned, but how true is it in reality, or is it just a cliche that's often said?

 

It is cliche, but also true to an extent. In the end that will be one of the smaller problems they encounter.

 

The biggest issue is how their relationship transitions to what it was to what it currently is. Everything is going to have to be learned and adapted to a new scenario. That process can either destroy the relationship or make it stronger.

[BetrayedH]

No one can really say what will happen with them. There's some stats that show remarkably poor success rates for affair partners (due to a lack of trust) but the numbers are widely debated.

 

The ultimate goal for you is to become indifferent about what happens with them. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Getting there takes a long time and you're on day one.

 

I'd suggest that their relationship will be mostly rainbows and unicorns for the first two years or so. That's when limerance typically fades and relationships become more about mature love rather than that "in love" feeling. These two obviously have a history of running when that happens so it's reasonable to think the process will repeat. Just don't expect it to be soon.

 

Just my $.02

Edited January 29, 2015 by BetrayedH

[Furious]

I don't think "affair fog" is applicable to those who are hard core cheaters. For those who can conduct deceit long term is most likely a character issue. Most long term cheaters are vindictive passive aggressive types who enjoy the ultimate FU but are too cowardly to leave. These folks save their gassy selves in their mock marriages and are part time sex machines sans flatulence loooovers .

 

These folks are terrified of more than a sexting and the hotel motel rendezvous, often they look forward to being home and gassy.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Furious

[ladydesigner]

I don't think "affair fog" is applicable to those who are hard core cheaters. For those who can conduct deceit long term is most likely a character issue. Most long term cheaters are vindictive passive aggressive types who enjoy the ultimate FU but are too cowardly to leave. These folks save their gassy selves in their mock marriages and are part time sex machines sans flatulence loooovers .

 

These folks are terrified of more than a sexting and the hotel motel rendezvous, often they look forward to being home and gassy.

 

Bahahahaha this gave me the best laugh of the day!:lmao: Oh it is so my WH!

[GoldieLox]

 

Do you think once the "affair fog" has gone he'll try and come back to me?

 

I know you're still in shock, and your head is still swimming, and you probably aren't sure what the hell to think at this point- but I want you to think about what you just said.

 

After everything he has done to you... would you REALLY want him to come back to you?

[whichwayisup]

Well that so called best friend ISN'T your friend at all anymore. You should confront her, this is double betrayal, she KNEW better and still chose to do this to you and to her husband. Your H is just as responsible here as she is for causing you so much pain and turning your life as you know it upside down.

 

DO DIVORCE him, take him to court, get child support, spousal support..whatever the courts allow. ONLY deal with him when it has to do with your child.

 

Sorry that they did this to you.

[DbleBetrayal]

I'm 34, and have a 5-year-old daughter. We live in Montgomery, AL.

 

Last night my husband had told me he'd been having an affair with my best friend Angela (or Angie, as I call her) [names changed for privacy] since early December 2010, but it didn't start officially until January 2011, and that she's thrown her husband out, told him that she didn't love him anymore, and he's moved back in with his Mom, and that he's going to move in with Angela next week.

 

This is strange, there'd been no signs he was having an affair, nothing obvious to me, I mean he'd bought new suits but that wasn't evidence of an affair, he has to travel for work, his job requires it, he works at a high level, doing negotiations. However, I earn a bit more than him, but, in all fairness, were both well-paid.

 

Angela lives not far from me, we've known each other since we were 18 and in college, and her husband introduced me to my now-husband aged 21! Unlike me, she has no kids.

 

She gets told how much she looks like Catherine Willows from CSI off men.

 

We're middle-class couple and our relationship's interracial; I'm white, my husband's African-American.

 

Angie's a redhead, Scottish-American, she's also in an interracial relationship, married to a Chinese-American guy she's known since we met in college.

 

He then went on to admit how he'd spent a lot of money on wining and dining her, fancy hotels, flights, etc. and said that our relationship was growing stale, and things would be, in his words, " H - O - T" with Angela and that their relationship would be hot every day, they'd get to have hot sex and unlimited passion everyday, and that it wouldn't be "boring" like ours.

 

He then went on to show me pictures of Angela in tiny croptops and hotpants posing on her bed, and said how I'd look awful in a croptop/halfshirt, but Angie wouldn't! WTH?

How could he do this to me? And with my best friend I'd known since I was <a teenager>?

 

I think I need to shine a bit of reality into their "relationship". I probably shouldn't worry about it, but how long before the fantasy-vs-reality thing kicks in for them, big time?

 

When they're living together and having to see each other daily, what problems will they have? I suppose this'd be useful for anyone who thinks that their AP is their soulmate; he actually took refuge in audacity last night, telling me Angie was his "soulmate" and that she only married her husband for his money (when Angie was fairly wealthy anyway!) and found my husband more attractive, she said her husband was boring, obese and hated his tiny dick (these are my husband's words, not hers).

 

Her husband's a nice guy and shouldn't have to suffer this jerkass behavior.

 

What problems will Angie and my husband have to face, apart from me, the BS who's feeling stressed and unhappy, when reality sets in?

 

Moving would be disruptive to my daughter's education, and even though I'm a freelancer, could make it hard for my existing client base.

 

I'm obviously going to have to divorce my husband, but i'll have to wait until he gets home from work, he's on business for 3 days now, gone across the state border.

 

This situation of BS and MM with OW situation is stressing me out a lot, and I worry about how the whole thing will implode or explode.

 

I'm in shock as he only told me this at 11pm last night.

 

I don't really know what to do.

 

Should I confront Angie (the OW) over this, go to counseling, or are there any other options. Is going NC with Angie worth it, or harder to do, considering she lives locally and is seen around the neighborhood? As for my husband, I probably will have to go NC, and force him to leave anyway.

 

What's been your experience, if you've been a BS in this situation, has your husband ever run off with your best friend, and how have you coped?

 

I'm using a shared computer here, public Wi-Fi, so I'll respond a bit later.

 

Yes, my WH cheated with my best friend. Perhaps read my posts threads and see if you'd really want to take him back if he 'changes his mind'. My WH had a ONS with my 'best friend' and I can't get over that image. I get triggers often. I don't know how you will cope with such crap- a 4 year affair plus heaped on top of that, him actually leaving you to live with this biatch and then all the disrespect he is telling you after DDay.

 

The $hit he is telling you is so unbelievably nasty. He sounds almost psychotic. Especially now that he has left anyways. It's almost as if he wants to hurt you even more than he already has, and is proud of it. Disturbing. Really bloody disturbing. I feel so mad reading your post. The only contact you should have with your 'friend' now is a swift punch to the face. There's no other point to contact her. Anything she says will just hurt you more. Trust me.

Edited January 30, 2015 by DbleBetrayal

[beach]

He cheated with her for the entirety of your marriage?

 

Yes, call her - you have every right to give her a piece of your mind!

 

He's gross the way he's described details to you.

 

I'd divorce him as quickly as possible - there's never really been a marriage of JUST you two - since he's cheated the whole time.

 

Ask for support money! The biggest hurdle for them... Is bound to be - raising kids when they intend to just have fun as a new couple together.

 

I hope you know you deserve better than him!

[autumnnight]

Is there more to this story you are not sharing? like have you been refusing him sex? has he asked for certain sex acts, and you called him a perv? did you berate him often? dominate him? cheat on him?

 

 

he was being unusually cruel to you to show you hot pictures of his GF, and then say you would never look good dressed sexy like that. I was wondering why he grew to despise you so much?

 

 

if you honestly can not figure out something you did to cause his behavior, then you are really going to be better off without him. the spark is long gone from your marriage.

 

 

Seriously???? A BS does NOT cause an A.

[whichwayisup]

Is there more to this story you are not sharing? like have you been refusing him sex? has he asked for certain sex acts, and you called him a perv? did you berate him often? dominate him? cheat on him?

 

 

he was being unusually cruel to you to show you hot pictures of his GF, and then say you would never look good dressed sexy like that. I was wondering why he grew to despise you so much?

 

 

if you honestly can not figure out something you did to cause his behavior, then you are really going to be better off without him. the spark is long gone from your marriage.

 

Are you for real? She didn't cause her husband to cheat on her. HE did that all on his own.

[Radu]

 

I'm in shock as he only told me this at 11pm last night.

 

I don't really know what to do.

Go into fight mode ... he already thinks he will have you chasing after him.

Honestly the way you described his actions ... sounds almost narcissistic/sociopathic. No empathy.

 

Should I confront Angie (the OW) over this, go to counseling, or are there any other options. Is going NC with Angie worth it, or harder to do, considering she lives locally and is seen around the neighborhood? As for my husband, I probably will have to go NC, and force him to leave anyway.

 

What's been your experience, if you've been a BS in this situation, has your husband ever run off with your best friend, and how have you coped?

 

I'm using a shared computer here, public Wi-Fi, so I'll respond a bit later.

I'd let him move in with her ... and then ruin them.

Contact his work and inform them ... contact her family and inform them [her husband and his family too].

Put stickers around the damn neighborhood in the middle of the night so that everyone knows what a skank she is.

 

Strike at her ... do not strike at him because it might hurt your daughter.

There is no reason why you should be ashamed about this ... she's the skank.

 

Also ... there is this website called 'shesahomewrecker' and the stuff put there can't really be removed.

 

But again avoid doing this until he moves in with her.

Put all the above together with the Divoce itself.

If you can prove it ... sue her for alienation of affection.

 

The idea is to completely ruin her career/future life.

Which will hit her like a ton of bricks once the affair fog starts breaking down.

[loveboid]

I would look at your financial statements to see if you can find the wining, dining, and trip receipts. This is marital money and if it's substantial and documented enough courts will take this into account when awarding settlement.

[loveboid]

My feeling is he could be trying to make you feel down so that you cannot retaliate against him as he leaves, and so that you cannot defend yourself if his other woman doesn't work out and he comes back to you.

[sidney2718]

You've had lots of advice. Mine will be somewhat different.

 

It is time to think of you and your child. What do you want? If it is divorce, your path is simple, but emotionally tricky. If you want reconciliation, then I can't help you since your marriage seems to be beyond help.

 

You do not need evidence of your husband's guilt. He knows what he's done. You don't have to prove it to him.

 

Start with getting a lawyer Then open a bank account in your name only and make sure that your money goes into it.

 

Talk to your lawyer about changing the locks on your domicile. He's abandoned you and your child and you may be able to keep him out of the house. The details depend on the laws of your state.

 

Push the divorce hard. Your husband should be in a hurry too, since he can't give himself fully to his girlfriend while he's legally married. And ask for full custody of your child. He will get visitation, but full custody is better than half custody.

 

Don't bother bombing your ex-girlfriend. There's nothing in it for you. Don't go for revenge, there is nothing in it for you. But do let your family know, and once the paperwork on the divorce is done, let his family know too since he will probably spin a story as to how you are the b!tch from h@ll and you want to get your side of the story out there. Why? Because his family will always be your daughter's family and he will always be her father.

 

Don't mess around. You know you can never trust him again.