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How can WS BS heal from their cheating?


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Time to start this thread instead of hi-jacking the other one.

 

 

I can read the book/paper referred to by the new couple, and I will, but I want to know what parts of it actually worked for them.

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I know we gave the book a strong endorsement that may sound like an advertisement, but, it really did put us over our final hurdle.

 

 

First, the book is aimed at the wayward spouse and the only way it will work is if the wayward spouse really takes the information to heart. The book is a very short "how to" book. Not a bunch of stories, no fluff, direct and to the point.

 

 

First a little history on us without getting into all the details. My wife had a brief affair with her college professor 31 years ago. She met him once for "lunch" which turned into sex. She confessed it to me shortly after it occurred. She has lived a life that demonstrates she is a good person and that she loves me and she made a very bad choice. Though I knew she was sorry, I never felt she was fully remorseful. I felt without true remorse, there was more of a possibility of it occurring again. When I would get depressed she thought I was punishing her. She had a get over it attitude towards the affair. We lived a very good life with an occasional lapse into depression caused by some type of trigger. I would even say even with these issues, we were very much in love and I would say happier than the majority of married couples.

 

 

I stumbled across another infidelity site and posted on a few threads and started one thread; "What is Remorse". I received some good advice and found the book and sent the link to my wife. She read the book and saw many things she did wrong during our reconciliation. I think for the first time she truly understood the trauma and pain caused by infidelity.

 

 

I think by me seeing true remorse, I was able to move on and finally become comfortable with our marriage. The affair can never be undone. But, you can finally get to a place of peace in your life. I never had real high expectations. I just wanted to be comfortable in my life. That comfort was taken away from me, but, I finally have it back.

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"She met him once for "lunch" which turned into sex. She confessed it to me shortly after it occurred."

 

So your wife came to you without you starting to question things? What if 31 years later you found out she love OM the they were sexually active for a year behind your back?

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Drifter - it is a very short book. Knowing you, I doubt it will change your life. However, it is short and free to download. No harm in looking it over.

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"She met him once for "lunch" which turned into sex. She confessed it to me shortly after it occurred."

 

So your wife came to you without you starting to question things? What if 31 years later you found out she love OM the they were sexually active for a year behind your back?

 

Had she not confessed, I would have never known. I only know what she has told me. She has told me all the details. Given the details she told me, I cannot imagine there was anymore to the story. If she was hiding something, she would have never have told me all of the details.

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I can read the book/paper referred to by the new couple, and I will, but I want to know what parts of it actually worked for them.

 

I hate to point it out, but that book is more geared towards the WS. I don't think your wife reading that book is going to help you and your ability to forgive.

 

It's like you've been waiting years for her to grovel more and if that happens, then maybe you'll be able to forgive her. My two cents (which aren't even worth that) is that your forgiveness should not be dependent on her. If you can't forgive her this late in the game, it's got less to do with her now.

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Mrs. John Adams

I guess it is time for me to chime in here. I think the best thing for me to do is to tell you the whole story so you have all of the information. Then we can answer any questions you might have.

 

One of the things I want to stress to you is this.....we are fine. We are not here asking for your help...we do not need to be fixed. Please don't speculate about our story...please don't change my words ...please don't ask us to speculate on scenarios that did not occur.

 

This story is written from MY perspective not my husbands. I have been as honest as i possibly can.

-------------------------

 

The affair

In August 1983, I took a college class that changed our lives forever. I had a divorced professor that was a “player”. He flirted during class, I flirted back. One day after class, he put his phone number…to his office…in my hand and said to give him a call. I did not call right away, but I kept his number.

 

We had a good marriage but we were in one of those low places couples encounter. I thought about that phone number in my purse and I began to build a case against my husband. I was looking for reasons to be mad at him. I asked him if we could have an open marriage, I asked him if we could separate, I even told him about the professor. One day, I was talking about school and my husband said, “I do not want to hear about your damn school anymore”. It was all I needed.

 

I called the professor. We agreed to meet for lunch on October 29. I told my husband I was going Christmas shopping. I was to meet the professor in a parking lot. He was late. He finally arrived, but said he needed to go to his house for a minute would I just follow him there…I knew better, but I followed him. We stopped at a red light and he looked at me in the rear view mirror…I must have had a look of terror on my face. He opened his door and called back to me…everything will be ok. We went to his apartment and he kissed me…one thing led to another. Afterwards, he told me I needed to leave because he had to get ready for a date. I was confused and scared. I took a shower. I left his apartment. I had forgotten my watch in the bathroom so I turned around and went back to his apartment. I knocked on the door. He answered but he was on the phone. I explained I had left my watch. He waved me up to the bathroom. I got the watch and quietly left. I went shopping because I had to come home with packages.

 

I went home and my husband helped me carry the packages in the house.

 

The next day we went bowling with my parents. I acted like nothing was wrong.

 

At school the next week I did not speak to the professor. After class one day, he stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing was wrong. He said can we get together and talk about it. I said yes, and gave him directions to my house. We picked a day for him to come but he called me and cancelled. After he called, I was panicked and frightened. I think the impact of what I had done hit me. I called my husband at work just to hear his voice. I knew I had to tell him what I had done, but I also knew that I might lose him forever. I called my mother and told her what I had done. She was very upset of course, but she was supportive.

 

It was Thanksgiving weekend. My parents kept the kids so we could have some alone time. I told him there was another man but I did not tell him that I had sex with him. He was very understanding and very forgiving…but the next week he started asking me questions. He was very matter of fact, very unemotional as I answered all of his questions and to be very honest, I gave him way too many details and I said way too many things that would cut him very deeply and the wounds would last forever. I gave descriptions and comparisons, I told him the other man was better looking, and that I would have moved in with him if he had asked me. He just laid there while I ripped his heart out in the dark of our bedroom. I went to sleep but he was devastated. He got up and sat in the rocking chair all night long. The next day, he went to my mother’s house and they talked and cried all day long. Had it not been for my mother, I don’t know what he would have done.

 

We of course continued to talk and he continued to try to understand why I had betrayed him. I told him that I understood that he needed to do what was best for him and I would ask for nothing if he wanted a divorce. I told him I still loved him and was very sorry for what I had done. He told me that he loved me and did not want a divorce. We did not separate. We did go to counseling but the Psychologist seemed to be more interested in money than in helping us. My husband also went to the doctor for some anti-depressants. We got through the next few weeks. The semester was over mid-December. I continued to go to class but I did not speak to the professor until I turned in my final paper. At that time, I told him that I had confessed to my husband about the affair. His response was...why would you do that? I think he was scared to death. I walked out and have never spoken to him again.

 

I went back to school in January but I had no contact with the professor. I became very defensive about my affair. I don't know if it was guilt, or the fog or what it was...but I said some very ugly things to my husband. I blamed him for what I had done. I told him I was sorry I had told him about it but not that I had done it. I told him that I had done it for me.

 

We moved to a new home in April 1984. I graduated from college. We would continue to discuss the affair but we mostly just went on with life. We were happy except for the times he would trigger.

 

We moved again in June 1991. Our children became adults, married and had children of their own. It was a good life, except for the triggers.

 

In May 2013, my husband joined another site in search of the answer to WHAT IS REMORSE. He felt he had never truly seen remorse from me for what I had done. He found the book... How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A compact manual for the unfaithful. October 2013 was the 30th anniversary of my betrayal and I was determined that I was going to do whatever it took to keep him from going into deep depression. I could see he was triggering and I wanted so badly to help him through this. I held him and we talked and cried together. He asked me to read the book. I did. After all these years, I finally understood what it was that he needed to hear from me, even though I felt I had said it time and time again. It is not enough to be sorry...I had to accept full responsibility for his pain.

 

We have finally crossed the last hurdle to complete forgiveness. We are in the best place in our relationship that we have ever been.

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I hate to point it out, but that book is more geared towards the WS. I don't think your wife reading that book is going to help you and your ability to forgive.

 

It's like you've been waiting years for her to grovel more and if that happens, then maybe you'll be able to forgive her. My two cents (which aren't even worth that) is that your forgiveness should not be dependent on her. If you can't forgive her this late in the game, it's got less to do with her now.

Huh? I thought that what the book was all about - the WS helping their BS heal?

 

And lets not start the whole forgiveness dance. It's pointless for you to tell me what forgiveness means.

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Mrs. John Adams

the book is for the wayward to help their betrayed spouse heal....you are correct drifter.

 

 

I would never try to tell you how to forgive, or what forgiveness means, or why you should forgive or why you shouldn't.

 

I am here to try to help those who have suffered infidelity... to have hope. Period.

 

Hope can come in may forms and many ways. There is no one answer for everyone. What worked for me may not be applicable in your situation. Divorce may be the answer you need...or maybe reconciliation is what you need.

 

I don't pretend to know all the answers. All I can share here is my story and how my spouse and i have overcome infidelity. It will never go away...the scars will always remain. But the scars don't have to be ugly reminders of what happened....they can also be reminders of how far we have come.

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This is an interesting story. I'm glad you both were able to pull out of it. You don't sound like the typical WS though I think if the circumstances were a bit different your affair could have been worse. If you played out the what ifs I'm not sure where your path would have ended up. What if your professor didn't make you feel so cheap? What if he cared about you and developed on the emotional and physical aspects of the affair? Would you have jumped head first back in with your professor or really exhibited enough guilt to tell your husband?

 

My wife had an over year long affair with I'm sure a lot more sexual encounters than what I know and even had love for each other. I'm going to divorce her. I finally realized as of recent there is no way I could ever be happy with her again. I'm actually excited over here talking about it because I'm looking forward to my life without her. She feels too clingy and doesn't hear me out ever. It feels extremely scripted and there's no hope. Time to move on to better things.

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I think it's great that you're able to share your story, but quite honestly, I think you make a better case as to why most couples should divorce after infidelity.

 

 

It's 30 years later and you're still dealing with this mess? No thanks. I'll take the short term pain of breaking up over 30 years worth of depression and resentment any day.

 

However, I do think there are people who can benefit from your story; it's just not a path I would recommend the average couple take.

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I think it's great that you're able to share your story, but quite honestly, I think you make a better case as to why most couples should divorce after infidelity.

 

 

It's 30 years later and you're still dealing with this mess? No thanks. I'll take the short term pain of breaking up over 30 years worth of depression and resentment any day.

 

However, I do think there are people who can benefit from your story; it's just not a path I would recommend the average couple take.

 

This is true. It has to eat at him still this many years later on certain things. The purity of the marriage is destroyed. That "special" feeling is ripped from right under your feet. I for one don't think it would ever be achievable to replicate the same feelings pre affair. That is probably why it is best for both parties to move on from the mess into new things and just let the old die. If there are betrayed spouses out there who authentically got rid of those feelings and forged on happily power to them.

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I think it's great that you're able to share your story, but quite honestly, I think you make a better case as to why most couples should divorce after infidelity.

 

 

It's 30 years later and you're still dealing with this mess? No thanks. I'll take the short term pain of breaking up over 30 years worth of depression and resentment any day.

 

However, I do think there are people who can benefit from your story; it's just not a path I would recommend the average couple take.

 

 

 

I think our story demonstrates the scars of infidelity never completely go away. However, I do not think they go away from those divorced either. I see an awful lot of divorced people on infidelity forums. You would think they ended it and could now move on. That does not seem to be the case in many of the situations I have seen. Each case is different. What is right for one is not right for another.

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This is an interesting story. I'm glad you both were able to pull out of it. You don't sound like the typical WS though I think if the circumstances were a bit different your affair could have been worse. If you played out the what ifs I'm not sure where your path would have ended up. What if your professor didn't make you feel so cheap? What if he cared about you and developed on the emotional and physical aspects of the affair? Would you have jumped head first back in with your professor or really exhibited enough guilt to tell your husband?

 

My wife had an over year long affair with I'm sure a lot more sexual encounters than what I know and even had love for each other. I'm going to divorce her. I finally realized as of recent there is no way I could ever be happy with her again. I'm actually excited over here talking about it because I'm looking forward to my life without her. She feels too clingy and doesn't hear me out ever. It feels extremely scripted and there's no hope. Time to move on to better things.

 

 

I think you could "what if" any story to death. The only thing we have is what really happened.

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I think you could "what if" any story to death. The only thing we have is what really happened.

 

 

This is true. I think your story is a little different. It doesn't sound like you went through all of the trickle truths, lies and no contact broken. I think those things outlined will determine most of the fates of any reconciliation process.

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Mrs. John Adams
I'm actually a member at that site, I have never posted there but I read the thread as it was happening.

 

John joined the other site before i did...once i got there...I had already read the book so to say you watched it all play out is not quite accurate. You may have read Johns thread...what is remorse. Once i got there...he deleted that thread and we never had our own thread. We only commented on other threads.

 

Jm...we all have to do what is best for us. It was not in our best interest to divorce....and we have been successful in reconciling. and JM...you are absolutely right....it could all have gone down differently...I could have canceled the lunch date....I could have dropped the class....I could have, i could have, i could have....remember if you want to play out different scenarios....then change it for the better too..not just for the worst.

 

herenorthere...he is no longer haunted....it has now been over 31 years....john joined the other site in may 2013....it is now jan 2015....

 

 

We have noticed on several sites how those who have divorced sometimes still struggle with closure, struggle with forgiveness, struggle with pain. Divorce does not always mean healing happens either. There is no guarantee either way. Some people try reconciliation...and it doesn't work. None of us can predict the outcome.

 

I can tell you this....John and i have always loved each other. You are right...i did irreparable damage...I cannot take away what i did...i cannot replace the innocence i took away....

But i can live each day giving him help to carry the burden i placed on him...I can live each day transparent so he does not have to question where i am or what i am doing....and i can do these things because i want to...not because he requires it of me.

 

For us...it has worked....we have been married 42 almost 43 years. Each day together gets sweeter. It doesn't matter if the odds were against us...it doesn't matter if anyone else agrees or approves. What matters is that we are together...we are happy and we are content.

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Over the past few years not a single BH that divorced his WW has ever posted that he regrets it. Even DKT3 - who remarried his WW - has never said he regretted divorcing her.

 

I think some BH's divorce, never look back and heal quite well. I do think the majority of BH's who divorce remain damaged after divorce but you need to look at the net gain they receive by leaving. The thing divorce gives a BH is lessening the triggers. When he doesn't live with her the triggers that result from daily contact are gone. Triggers and mind-movies are insidious and feed off of themselves. The fewer triggers results in fewer mind-movies. As time passes between episodes of triggering horrible memories or replaying porn movies staring our WW, these episodes diminish. They get farther apart and less intense until they finally lose significance. This is what healing from infidelity truly is - a chance for peace of mind.

 

I've seen far to many BH's on this site bend over backwards in an attempt to reconcile. Most of these men have had WW's that showed great remorse and followed the WW guide to R to the letter. Most of these women were faking it - maybe hoping that he would just get over it so life could return to "normal" - and I'm sure others gave it an honest try but they couldn't fake it forever. Trickle-truth ended most of these attempts to R. A couple, like jm, fell apart because R wasn't helping him heal. Time passed but nothing in his heart changed so they turned to D in an attempt to reclaim their lives as men. All of this lead me to conclude that a BH should never attempt to R with a cheating wife. Reconciliation is so difficult and takes so long that, when you factor in the solid chance that it will fail, its a poor choice indeed. Nothing that I've encountered here or on other Infidelity sites has done anything but strengthen my opinion. The thing is, a man knows whether he can live with the fact that his wife gave it up to another man. It might take a week or two after the d-day shock starts to wear off but, if he has the courage to ask himself, he knows.

 

If a man honestly believes that "sex is just sex" or is in to 3somes or swinging or whatever then that man has a chance for true reconciliation. The rest of us will either settle or leave.

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My WH's affair was almost 20 years ago. Yet... here I am.

 

It's is fortunate that your WS was able to talk about it or BS is able to bring it up on a whim whenever there is a trigger. It is an unspoken agreement that it isn't talked about... again. However most of my insecurities, hang-ups and anxiety has come from the A. If my WH has a bad day (20 years later!) I over analyze if it's because of me, is he angry with me? Is he looking for "that" reason...ect

 

I honestly wish I never knew/found out. The A has shaped me in so many negative ways. Again... 20 years later, here I am. I am wholeheartly working on myself. It's hard.

 

D was another option that I'm not sure what the outcome would have been. What co-parenting would look like? Would I be further ahead financially? Would I attract another with the same tendency to cheat? Would I find someone who could never fathom hurting me in such a way?

 

I stayed with what I was comfortable with or could somewhat predict my future with. So, for that I had to swallow my medicine.

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Drifter, no offense but you talk a good talk. You don't walk the walk. It is easy to say and hard to do. I don't think you should be the poster boy for leaving a cheater. You should have more sympathy and support for those, like you, that chose to stay regardless of the down side to that choice. The reasons to stay are plentiful and no one should make a statement like, it is NEVER a good idea to stay. Especially someone that is currently staying.

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Mrs. John Adams

I don't think you will ever hear John or me say that reconciliation is the best answer....you will hear us say it was the best answer for us.

 

I don't believe any of us...no matter how smart, or how experienced etc....has the right to make the call for someone else.

 

No two infidelities are alike...because each one involves different people. We all react and respond differently to different situations.

 

I am fairly new to the "infidelity forum" game....i joined another site in nov 2013. it was first experience with revealing myself and opening myself up to others to tear apart piece by piece.

 

It is difficult at best...to share the most intimate secret parts of your relationship....especially those that you wish you could remove.

 

While i agree that divorce is absolutely the best option for many who have suffered infidelity...i would also like to say reconciliation can and does work for some. I am not here to preach it is the only answer...it isn't.

 

It would probably surprise us all...how many couples we know...that have experienced infidelity and stayed together...and no one else knows about it.

 

None of our friends know...they see a couple that married at 17 and 19 and that have been married 42 years. They have no idea I was unfaithful to my husband....

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Obviously there are a lot of reasons that a BH who divorced his WW might not come back into LS and weep his story of regret.

 

I don't think it's a secret that in LS - and we have seen this discussed a dozen times, especially by BS's who Divorced, but for some reason feel the need to come in and create posts week after week questioning why anyone would try to reconcile - that there is an enormous support group for BS's who "kick her azz to the curb" and very little for those who do not.

 

And I know I am not alone here in saying that a large majority of those BS's who think others ought to dump their WS, often come off as bitter BS's even though they claim it is the "only real way to get over an A".

 

I would qualify that by saying that for me LS used to be unbearable about a year ago. Things are looking up these days. There seems to be more "tolerance" for varied opinions.

 

Over the past few years not a single BH that divorced his WW has ever posted that he regrets it. Even DKT3 - who remarried his WW - has never said he regretted divorcing her.

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My WS read that book cover to cover within two weeks of Dday. I actually don't think that this was the time to read it. It didn't change a thing.

 

When it comes to remorse, true self examination, empathy, and understanding, the answers are not in a book. The book is great, it really describes wonderfully all the things I was going through as a BS, and all the warnings my WW needed to avoid making the R worse. But none of it affected her one bit. You have to be a person capable of remorse to display it. Period.

 

Time to start this thread instead of hi-jacking the other one.

 

 

I can read the book/paper referred to by the new couple, and I will, but I want to know what parts of it actually worked for them.

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Obviously there are a lot of reasons that a BH who divorced his WW might not come back into LS and weep his story of regret.

 

I don't think it's a secret that in LS - and we have seen this discussed a dozen times, especially by BS's who Divorced, but for some reason feel the need to come in and create posts week after week questioning why anyone would try to reconcile - that there is an enormous support group for BS's who "kick her azz to the curb" and very little for those who do not.

 

And I know I am not alone here in saying that a large majority of those BS's who think others ought to dump their WS, often come off as bitter BS's even though they claim it is the "only real way to get over an A".

 

I would qualify that by saying that for me LS used to be unbearable about a year ago. Things are looking up these days. There seems to be more "tolerance" for varied opinions.

 

I know each situation is different. I think a lot of BS's come here to authentically try and help each other dissolve their pain in ways they either wished they had or had done which allowed them to heal. For me, I'll still be here even when I find my new woman. I think LS will be a larger part of my life now. If it wasn't for this community I would have figured it all out on my own eventually but kind of got a head start of what to expect, look for and the processes to take into a reconciliation or divorce. Also, no matter what, I love talking to everybody here no matter if you're a BS or WS. I enjoy seeing the opinions of others and following each individual story on here. It makes you realize what this world is full of. All of our shells have been broken wide open and we can now see what is around us all of the time. It is very real.

 

Sometimes I view the people who are mindlessly married living in the Matrix. They are living in their happy bubbly world thinking these events would never happen to them. Most have probably experienced infidelity one way or another in their marriages and haven't been privy to the info. Most is hidden and locked away by the WS as an event they just want to forget about and move on happily ever after. When I divorce I will not be here to tell people to divorce and live in happiness unless of course they are plastering red flags all over the place. There are situations that are more reconcilable than others and I think we can all agree on that. The WS posting here seems to have exhibited enough guilt shortly after to tell her husband personally than having him stumble on it years down the road. I think her affair is in line with what true remorse is. The WS's who get caught after a year long bang session I don't think exhibit this and for some reason only get that guilt when they are caught. Well, kind of like my wife. I do get tingly inside seeing successful reconciliations too. They are hard to come by but when they happen it's great to see.

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Drifter, I used to push that book here while my wife and I were reconciling. She claimed it was a real eye opener. Perhaps for some (or many), it is. I think you can guess at my anecdotal feedback on how well it worked in our case. Still probably worth reading and passing off to your wife.

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