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Emotional affair to end bad marriage?


Biere123

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wife and I have been married for 7 years, with a child...we haven't gotten along in the last four years I'd say. Recently reconnected with old flame that I've never gotten over, and we began an emotional relationship that has lasted 6 months or so. Both spouses have found out and are furious. We have had limited contact since, but we both know we love each other. Any guidance without judging?

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Not judging at all. Get a divorce and be happy.

Don't expect the spouses to be thrilled. Why would that surprise you???

At this point your troubles are about to begin. If your true love ex does not dump her husband for you , you might wind up without her and your wife.

Now that the cat is out of the bag , see an attorney and your girlfriend sublime donthe same unless she is not as committed to you as you are to her.

If there are complications because of kids , I guess you should have thought about that one first.

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Was it really that good with your ex when you were together? Our memories can get warped with time and the desire for an escape. Remember that the past is just a story we tell ourselves.

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Reconnected lost love stories. I love them. There's a website that sells a couple of books of long lost love stories with happy endings.

 

The author does warn about married lost loves. Me, I say if it's true love go for it.

Edited by loveboid
comprehension
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Before I wish you well in your upcoming D proceedings, quick question, your ex that you reconnected and cheated on your Wife with became your ex for a reason. Without changing the actual reason you two crazy kids broke up, why did you decide to become ex's? ;)

 

But even so, D your wife because it's the better thing to do than to continue to cheat on her.

CiH*

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You're in love from a 6 month EA. What can I say- I suggest D.

Edited by DbleBetrayal
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You are an unrepentant wayward. You would get answers more to your liking in the section of this site for "other man, other woman."

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Divorces end bad marriages. Affairs only prolong and inflict more pain into them. If you feel the best thing to do is to leave, you don't really need strangers to tell you that. What are wanting from your post?

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If I am to understand you correctly, you have proved yourself to be capable of having a relationship with a woman (maybe more than 2 even), you have shown you know how to break up. You know how to marry, have kids etc.

 

What is it you don't know how to do? What could you possible learn on LS that you don't already know: break up (divorce) and be with the one you want to be with.

It's that simple.

 

Now if you are confused... say so. If you are trying to calculate your chances and your losses, your strategy... well then you are being self-deceptive about this new-old flame

Edited by fellini
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This woman is my first love and I have never stopped loving her. Is it more selfish of me to leave or stay in a relationship that will leave my wife unfulfilled and unhappy, as well as my daughter and myself? Our marriage is full of problems and has been for many years. We love each other, but it's more of a roommate scenario. I am conflicted because I'm trying to do the right thing.

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Be kind to your wife and Divorce her. You're in love with another woman, it's a no brainer.

 

I guess you're figuring on your long lost new love leaving her husband for you.

She may or may not get custody of any children she has. So best case scenario is that you'll be paying child support for your own child, losing most of any shared assets with your current wife. Be step father to your new long lost love's children and be paying for them too, 99% if they live with you. Whilst shuffling access visits with your child. I'm figuring you earn double her husband so you can afford to keep her in the lifestyle she's accustomed to whilst partially paying to raise all kids.

 

Sounds like marital bliss to me! Not.

 

Too late now.

 

Lion Heart.

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This woman is my first love and I have never stopped loving her. Is it more selfish of me to leave or stay in a relationship that will leave my wife unfulfilled and unhappy, as well as my daughter and myself? Our marriage is full of problems and has been for many years. We love each other, but it's more of a roommate scenario. I am conflicted because I'm trying to do the right thing.

 

You are well past doing the right thing. These are questions you should have been seeking answers to before your affair. All you can do now is some serious soul searching to determine your next step. What do you really want and what is best for you? You're in a situation where someone will be hurt no matter what decision you make. Go forward with kindness and empathy. Good luck.

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Thank you, if I leave, it won't be because of the other woman. You guys are right, I should have had this conversation a long time ago with my wife. Fear of the unknown I guess at this point. Money is not an issue. The child is the real issue. The long-term ramifications.

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Thank you, if I leave, it won't be because of the other woman. You guys are right, I should have had this conversation a long time ago with my wife. Fear of the unknown I guess at this point. Money is not an issue. The child is the real issue. The long-term ramifications.

 

You can be a great dad divorced or not. Keep your child as a priority with all the decisions you make.

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Thank you, if I leave, it won't be because of the other woman. You guys are right, I should have had this conversation a long time ago with my wife. Fear of the unknown I guess at this point. Money is not an issue. The child is the real issue. The long-term ramifications.

 

The ethical thing to do here is to either fix your marriage or leave it. Some say to leave your marriage. I'd suggest you have an obligation to making every effort to keep your lifelong marital contract before just tossing it and pursuing another woman. You haven't spoken much about what efforts you have made to fix your marriage. Many times an affair is a huge wake-up call for both spouses about having allowed the marriage to become a roommate situation and it brings both spouses to the table. The grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it. You've been watering elsewhere. I'd suggest you go 'no contact' with this other woman (which is not this horribly disrespectful 'low contact' you've been doing) and actually make the effort in your marriage that you vowed to make. If you then still cannot reconcile, do what you need to do.

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We have gone through MC and IC numerous times already. How do you honor a marital commitment when your heart has always been elsewhere? She married before I did, I couldn't just stay single and never find anyone else.

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This woman is my first love and I have never stopped loving her. Is it more selfish of me to leave or stay in a relationship that will leave my wife unfulfilled and unhappy, as well as my daughter and myself? Our marriage is full of problems and has been for many years. We love each other, but it's more of a roommate scenario. I am conflicted because I'm trying to do the right thing.

 

Last thing...

Remember that all the marital problems are caused by both your wife AND you. and you take You (and all your issues) with you wherever you go. Maybe consider continuing with IC to get yourself sorted for your and your daughter's betterment then consider a relationship with, whoever?*

CiH

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We have gone through MC and IC numerous times already. How do you honor a marital commitment when your heart has always been elsewhere? She married before I did, I couldn't just stay single and never find anyone else.

 

Actually, you could have. Instead of marrying someone else who most likely knows they don't have your heart. You didn't really give your wife or marriage much of a chance if your heart has always been somewhere else. Would you be ok if your wife had said I can't have the one I want so I'll just settle for you?

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Thinking wistfully of old loves can happen when married. Running into them can really make this seem ideal. Being married is hard work, can be challenging, unromantic, dealing with kids, home, bills, sickness and health....its not the same as a relationship you may have had outside of marriage or as a young person.

 

Now - if your old love and you do get together (and either or both of you have kids) - you wont just have a marriage and family. You will have several - including a step family. Want stress? Try dealing with your kids, her kids, her ex, your ex, visitation schedules, child support, legal issues, .... not much time for lovey dovey with your new (second) wife. Try seeking out some stepfamily support boards - have a chat.

 

I don't know how deep your issues on in your marriage - maybe you should divorce, just saying what ever you have now in this EA with your ex love - will not be the full picture if you two, divorce and try to become a couple. You better really love each other, because it will be at times very stressful forming a new marriage and family.

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At this point I would say you are in love with an idea or the story and not truly in love.

 

But, be honest eith your wife and tell her that you cannot put an honest effort into your marriage because your heart is elsewhere. End the marriage now. Don't put your wife through false reconciliation. Though I haven't experienced it I have read enough to know that a spouse who continues to lie, minimize and carry on the affair after being found out can cause even more damage than the affair itself.

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We have gone through MC and IC numerous times already. How do you honor a marital commitment when your heart has always been elsewhere? She married before I did, I couldn't just stay single and never find anyone else.

 

I'm going to guess that you haven't done MC since your affair was discovered. As I said, many times the affair is a serious wake-up call for Betrayed Spouses that they do indeed have to negotiate with their spouse on marital issues. If your wife is willing to make the effort inspite of your affair, I'd suggest that you're obligated to do the same.

 

As for your heart being elswhere, I'm sorry to tell you but that's a choice. You can decide to keep indulging in that fantasy or you can decide to deal with the actual woman that you chose to marry and who actually married you. As for the OW, it'll be important that you also enforce a form of mental 'no contact' with her beyond the physical NC. Stop mentally engaging that thought-process. Instead of indulging those thoughts, force yourself to envision a stop sign and then redirect your thoughts to your wife. When it happens, commit to spending the next few minutes to watering her grass instead (plan a dinner, plan on buying flowers after work, think on your next vacation, send her a flirty text, etc). Intimacy can be restored in a marriage if both people are committed. There are tons of books on the subject. But it begins with a choice and it's backed up by consistent actions over time.

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This woman is my first love and I have never stopped loving her. Is it more selfish of me to leave or stay in a relationship that will leave my wife unfulfilled and unhappy, as well as my daughter and myself? Our marriage is full of problems and has been for many years. We love each other, but it's more of a roommate scenario. I am conflicted because I'm trying to do the right thing.

 

Get divorced. You don't love your wife enough to remain faithful. She knows you had an affair. It's wrong to keep her thinking you are working things out.

 

Does your ex feel the same?

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I think you've come to terms with divorce being the best option.

 

I would definitely forget about the ex for now. With piles of crap you both need to shovel anything other than fleeting friendship will most likely dissolve and if you have feelings for her you can't quiet that have never gone away, those feelings will make your life difficult as well as making your interactions with her more difficult.

 

Yeah when all the counseling is done and you still don't feel it a divorce is the only road for you!

 

Life happens, mistakes get made sometimes things slip through our fingers that we can never had but I wouldn't feel too bad about this, it's over! Just apologies, learn from your mistakes and be the best dad you can be from here out.

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I was in love with my wife when we married, but things have deteriorated over the years. I'm not sure I can get over the hatred I have felt for years. I have never been unfaithful. Just trying to make a choice I can live with and make everyone happy.

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