Saysomething Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Long story short he said it was over and there was never any physical contact when in fact fast forward 6 months and the OW contacts me and tells me it never ended and they had sex 7 times. He is distraught now that it has all been exposed and says he is so glad it is all over and wants to only focus on me and our family. Says he will spend rest of his life convincing me that I made the right decision if I give him another chance. We are definitely in the "hysterical bonding" phase and in my heart I think I can forgive him if he continues to stay open and honest with me. I know this is a huge risk but I want our family to stay together and I'm willing to risk it one more time. I guess I am posting because I want anyone reading who may be suspecting to trust their gut and really pay attention to how their spouse is behaving. I knew he had changed and I knew he was miserable and depressed. I just wish I had contacted the OW's husband like I was advised to and dug deeper. I just really became exhausted and thought it is what it is and now it has come back to bite me in the butt. Don't put your head in the sand. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 He is distraught now that it has all been exposed and says he is so glad it is all over and wants to only focus on me and our family. Says he will spend rest of his life convincing me that I made the right decision if I give him another chance. We are definitely in the "hysterical bonding" phase and in my heart I think I can forgive him if he continues to stay open and honest with me. I know this is a huge risk but I want our family to stay together and I'm willing to risk it one more time. Been there (including the taking the WS back after being lied to again). The hysterical bonding is short lived. Paranoia will creep back in and that will last much longer. Even though he "says" he wants to focus on his family and you expect him to be open and honest, you cannot rely on it. I'm not saying you'll never get to that phase, but he is telling you what he wants to hear. He got busted and hasn't really changed anything. It's all talk and temptation will be everywhere for him. And no offense, but I'll bet he'll have another, maybe smaller, step backwards again, and you'll risk it all again and again to keep your family together. Just recognize that you have a moving boundary. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 In my case, which was very similar to yours, I contacted the bh (never met either of them) immediately that it was physical - turns out he knew totally 18mos earlier and kept quiet. I was so furious I laid out very eloquently how his w had been pleasuring my h orally and that she had a rep in her work life for this skill. And every hotel and date and what gymnastics occurred so that he wouldn't accidently find himself in one of those places. Then I suggested we could maybe find a 2 for 1 deal on std testing. I had no idea how many complete idiots I had in my life, but Im still angry that he had knowledge and didn't share/care. (And yes, my wh gets the most blame for this whole mess, certainly more than the other bh) And she reported to my h for 18 mos after her h had this knowledge, until she was fired. God bless him, he had more patience than I did for watching her head off to work events with my h and doing nothing about it. She even attended our family functions alone (she has 4 kids, I'm sure it was a busy household, right?), having not been invited, and I chose to stop attending, making me look like a bigger fool. Ugh. Sorry went off on a tangent. I have a grovelling h in my house too. You don't have to make any decisions right away, just breathe and focus on self care. That's my schtick. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 You mean a person who cheated turned out to not be trustworthy after all? Huh, strange. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 You mean a person who cheated turned out to not be trustworthy after all? Huh, strange. Life is just plain unfair. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. We all take blows we should never have to take. You can be the most virtuous person with the highest character and things will happen to you that you don't deserve. At the same time, some of the biggest scumbags will walk between the raindrops. Live your life expecting fairness, and you will end up getting eaten alive. Don't ever expect your character to make a difference. After 50 some odd adult years seeing people at their best and worst, I have long ago lost my belief in karma. -unknown 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I think because of the lies stacked on top of continued lies a trial separation with mc and ic for both of you may be a good place to start. I truly do not think you being under the same roof with his manipulative a$$ is a very good idea. He won't allow you space to figure things out on your own if he thinks he can make you see things the way he wants you too. Be very careful darlin'. And God Bless! CiH* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) "Post nuptial" by the most aggressive lawyer you can find. Edited January 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 So he's been busted twice in 6 months and really hasn't faced any consequences..... I'm not so sure you're listening yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 look, have all the glorious sex you want with him....but kick him to the curb and let him date you. insist on MC and IC because you cannot trust him. tell him you love him, and love having sex with him.....but as a partner to trust in the future? nah, he'll have to earn that back, if ever. meanwhile, you intend to keep your options open. There may very well be a nice guy who adores and cherishes you and would NEVER lie and cheat on you. get him to agree you deserve that, right? You are a good woman and some man would love to land you. it's time to inform the OW's H, and time to tell the OW off also. Draw a broad line in the sand, otherwise this may happen again in the future. Also, explain to trusted family and friends what is going on in your life and tell him you intend to do so. Since he thought so little of your feelings, you remain unsure if you can now commit to him for the rest of your life. Ball in his court. Good luck to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 You mean a person who cheated turned out to not be trustworthy after all? Huh, strange. Totally agree. There are exceptions, but they are rare. If someone would do it in the first place, then that is their "line in the sand" and they would do it again in the right situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saysomething Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I did kick him out and told him I wanted a divorce. After his begging and pleading I decided to try reconciling with him and it has not been easy at all. I know my worth and I know I did not deserve this. He knows this too and he also knows that I am not making a final decision for at least 6 months. I have never been in this kind of situation before but now I know the signs and I wanted to post my story to hopefully help another BS to trust their instincts and not go into denial even though their gut was telling them to get out. I'm not the same person this time and he has a lot of work ahead of him as do I. I have already spoken to OW and her H. There has not been any contact between them since DDAY and if there is I will not even listen to an explanation or apology it will be the end. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think because of the lies stacked on top of continued lies a trial separation with mc and ic for both of you may be a good place to start. I truly do not think you being under the same roof with his manipulative a$$ is a very good idea. He won't allow you space to figure things out on your own if he thinks he can make you see things the way he wants you too. Be very careful darlin'. And God Bless! CiH* that is not a bad idea. You should not let him off the hook scott-free...you need to see him doing some HEAVY lifting, and not just some good sex for 2 weeks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 He knows this too and he also knows that I am not making a final decision for at least 6 months. So you're going to somehow believe that the person who's spent the last year (or longer ) lying to you is going to start telling the truth? And his motivation? He got caught. Does that make sense to you ??? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Did OW’s husband pressure her to contact you? Link to post Share on other sites
HelenaHandbasket Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Sounds familiar and they don't change. They go underground and find other ways of communicating with phone apps that won't show up on the bill. They get caught, panic, keep a distance and when they believe things are safe again, they start up again. Cheating has nothing to do with you, it's all on them and their insecurities. I thought it was just one person in the beginning. He confessed to one when I confronted him with evidence. Then I found more evidence and he confessed to another. Then more evidence, and another. He was carrying on a long term affair with these three women, but I also found out about more, including prostitutes. He told each of these women he was either separated or divorcing and would be with them. How can one live like that, always wondering, suspicious, not trusting. You will never trust again no matter what anyone says. It IS hard to sever and divorce, not denying that, but you will feel so relieved. I tried to separate, but ended up taking him back as we were still communicating. Well, he recently assaulted me so is now on electronic monitoring supervision and NO CONTACT AT ALL. During this time it made me realize what a fool I was, duped, taken for granted, lied to over and over with his sneaking around after he pretended it was all over and done with, even changed his number. When you have no contact whatsoever, you can really think and focus on the reality of the situation and re-gain your confidence and start to move on from these liars and cheats. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HelenaHandbasket Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Also, mine even gave me his phone passcode. Did it matter? Nope! All he would do, with his secret ways of communicating, is delete them after using. Always clearing history etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 We are definitely in the "hysterical bonding" phase and in my heart I think I can forgive him if he continues to stay open and honest with me. Given that your title is "Well I'm back and should have listened to you", seems ironic that you're ignoring the advice of most here to let him do the hard work of earning his way back into your bed and marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 No offense but your next thread's title will be "Should have listened to you, again". Link to post Share on other sites
Trotters Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Also, mine even gave me his phone passcode. Did it matter? Nope! All he would do, with his secret ways of communicating, is delete them after using. Always clearing history etc. Whatsapp messages can be retrieved though if you contact them. Also the WW/WH can delete the messages but they cant do anything about the AP keeping them or not Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Sounds familiar and they don't change. They go underground and find other ways of communicating with phone apps that won't show up on the bill. They get caught, panic, keep a distance and when they believe things are safe again, they start up again. Cheating has nothing to do with you, it's all on them and their insecurities. I thought it was just one person in the beginning. He confessed to one when I confronted him with evidence. Then I found more evidence and he confessed to another. Then more evidence, and another. He was carrying on a long term affair with these three women, but I also found out about more, including prostitutes. He told each of these women he was either separated or divorcing and would be with them. How can one live like that, always wondering, suspicious, not trusting. You will never trust again no matter what anyone says. It IS hard to sever and divorce, not denying that, but you will feel so relieved. I tried to separate, but ended up taking him back as we were still communicating. Well, he recently assaulted me so is now on electronic monitoring supervision and NO CONTACT AT ALL. During this time it made me realize what a fool I was, duped, taken for granted, lied to over and over with his sneaking around after he pretended it was all over and done with, even changed his number. When you have no contact whatsoever, you can really think and focus on the reality of the situation and re-gain your confidence and start to move on from these liars and cheats. Don't listen to this post. People do change and cheaters can be reformed. If you want to rebuild your M, tune out posts like this one. Everyone isn't able to forgive cheating but there are those of us who have and have made lemons out of lemonaid. Link to post Share on other sites
HelenaHandbasket Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Whatsapp messages can be retrieved though if you contact them. Also the WW/WH can delete the messages but they cant do anything about the AP keeping them or not That's true! It's the same with Facebook messages as well. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Why would you believe him now? Link to post Share on other sites
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