Cheated... don't judge

[Daisy3220]

So my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years...we met and did everything quick, moved in bought a car got engaged, married bought a house and had a child all in less than 2 years. We started having probs when my daughter was 2 , he told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce...I begged him to stay and get help ,he stayed but we never got any mc , this has gone on for years and we always sweep problems under the rug. He has been very verbally abusive and very selfish over the years. Family and friends all have seen it, however I stayed because I love my daughter and wanted a fam for her and thought he would change. Recently ,in May I begin talking to an ex who now lives 1000 miles away but he was having prob in his marriage too, we talked a lot and he was someone I never truly got over, I still liked him when I met my hubby, just at the time it wasn't right. Anyway, I saw him in august when he was home and we had sex one time, I feel bad because I didn't feel guilty and we still talked every day. His wife moved out in sept and I was still at home. I haven't liked sex with my hubby in along time, it doesn't turn me on, I feel bad that it was so easy to sleep with my ex ....anyway right before Xmas my hubby saw an email and knows everything. He asked for a d and is angry. I moved out with my daughter and now after 6 years he says he will counseling. I am so confused, I love him but not sure I'm in love and not sure what I want , he has been so mean to me in the past and that's how I justified my affair. It's more of an ea, pa only was once so far. He is coming home this week and I have plans to see him, which may be a bad idea.

Please don't judge, I go thru days I cry all day that I hurt him and feel like I ruined my family but so much happen over the years ...any advice

[bubbaganoosh]

Ask yourself if there's anything to go back too with your husband. If there isn't the kind of love that is needed to maintain a marriage then all your doing is setting yourself up again for another big mistake you made by cheating. Combine a faulty marriage before the cheating and now add that new element to it. All that you have is one more obstacle to get over.

 

I'm sure that you know that the affair didn't do anything to improve the situation except for an hour or two of fun but now that it's done, your back to square one again with an additional problem.

 

Honestly, I think you should just move on and be done with it. Your not happy and he's not happy and I just don't seeing it working.

 

Affairs don't help. All it does is make things harder and puts a label on you as a cheater and it's a hard thing to live with because in the eyes of most people you can't be trusted. Move on.

[Daisy3220]

Thanks. I agree we should really move on, I think it's just hard for me because at one point i loved him so much it hurt, and then we stated having problems and never got better. I think I'm in love with the idea of my family and it breaks my heart to not have what I wanted for so long. He is different now day to day, either very nice or just mean and telling me how I ruined our life.

[autumnnight]

Honestly, for a variety of reasons, I think the best option is to let the D proceed.

 

The first issue is the affair, which was very very wrong and without excuse.

 

The second is that if your description of the pre-affair marriage is correct, then you had a myriad of problems beforehand and possibly a husband who wasn't too keen on change or taking responsibility for his treatment of you. Now that an affair has been added to the mix, IF his personality has been accurately portrayed in your post, he will likely not ever be able to work through this affair.

 

I will re-emphasize that your affair is 100% on you and was a wrong choice period. When a couple has a truly good, loving, equal relationship prior to an affair, then both parties can often work through the pain of the affair and come out the other side as loving, empathetic, and equals again. If the pre-A dynamic you describe is accurate, I do not see that ever happening in your case.

[fellini]

Divorce is not the end of life as we know it. Marriage is not bigger than us.

 

When you turn divorce into a monolithic monster, we lose ourselves in the process.

 

What matters is you, your child, more or less in that order.

[Mr. Lucky]

he told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce...I begged him to stay and get help ,he stayed but we never got any mc , this has gone on for years and we always sweep problems under the rug. He has been very verbally abusive and very selfish over the years.

 

All reasons to divorce, not cheat. I'd let the process happen.

 

And to immediately jump into a relationship with your ex will most likely doom that to failure also.

 

Take some to transition if you do indeed divorce. Focus on your daughter, she'll need all your attention. Getting yourself healthy means you'll have more to offer a future partner...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Some times an affair can be the catalyst to a better relationship. In your case, I believe your marriage is over for several reasons 1) you will continue with this other guy no matter what your husband does. 2) your husband won't sustain any growth 3) you won't allow him time to heal and really get to a place where working on the marriage is possible.

 

Just end it, your energy is focused on this other guy and you will just continue to hurt your husband, to the point that he will start looking to get you back. In the mean time your child pays the price for your (you and your husband) poor decisions.

 

Lastly, stop blaming him for something you did 100%. YOU cheated not him.

[Daisy3220]

I agree, it's not the end and doesn't define us, it's just hard. I look at my hubby when I see him and I am sad I hurt him, the worst part is I don't feel guilty about the affair, I feel guilty he found out. We have had so many bumps in the road and just been hard. I've never cheated before and I honestly was one of those who looked at people who cheated like they were awful...I own the affair, I did wrong, just time to move past I guess

[Daisy3220]

Some times an affair can be the catalyst to a better relationship. In your case, I believe your marriage is over for several reasons 1) you will continue with this other guy no matter what your husband does. 2) your husband won't sustain any growth 3) you won't allow him time to heal and really get to a place where working on the marriage is possible.

 

Just end it, your energy is focused on this other guy and you will just continue to hurt your husband, to the point that he will start looking to get you back. In the mean time your child pays the price for your (you and your husband) poor decisions.

 

Lastly, stop blaming him for something you did 100%. YOU cheated not him.

Yes I did cheat, i own that, but I tired for years to get him to get counseling with me so we could save this marriage, he refused. He called me names in front of my child and is never home, he does what he wants when he wants. I have been cheated on in past relationships and never thought I would do this. He has done all this before I cheated, even told me he didn't love me and asks for a divorce every 6 mos. I'm not trying to justify it but he has hurt me and this did not help my decision.

[autumnnight]

Yes I did cheat, i own that, but I tired for years to get him to get counseling with me so we could save this marriage, he refused. He called me names in front of my child and is never home, he does what he wants when he wants. I have been cheated on in past relationships and never thought I would do this. He has done all this before I cheated, even told me he didn't love me and asks for a divorce every 6 mos. I'm not trying to justify it but he has hurt me and this did not help my decision.

 

This in addition to your affair is why I think you should D. In a loving marriage with respect, when someone chooses to cheat, they own it, the BS is devastated, but if the WS works hard and cuts all contact and the BS is open to real reconciliation, then after a time you can achieve the kind of marriage again that is loving and respectful both ways. The A doesn't disappear but it does not drive your marriage or your treatment of each other.

 

In many cases, however, the two parties simply don't divorce, and even if the affair ends, there really isn't what I would call a marriage. It's just two roommates, neither of whom will leave. Sometimes it is because the WS won't do any work, and sometimes it is because the BS doesn't think they have to do any work.

 

In your case, not only would the A need to end and work need to be done, but a giant personality transformation on the part of your H would need to take place. Now that you have cheated, I do not see that ever happening.

[DKT3]

This in addition to your affair is why I think you should D. In a loving marriage with respect, when someone chooses to cheat, they own it, the BS is devastated, but if the WS works hard and cuts all contact and the BS is open to real reconciliation, then after a time you can achieve the kind of marriage again that is loving and respectful both ways. The A doesn't disappear but it does not drive your marriage or your treatment of each other.

 

In many cases, however, the two parties simply don't divorce, and even if the affair ends, there really isn't what I would call a marriage. It's just two roommates, neither of whom will leave. Sometimes it is because the WS won't do any work, and sometimes it is because the BS doesn't think they have to do any work.

 

In your case, not only would the A need to end and work need to be done, but a giant personality transformation on the part of your H would need to take place. Now that you have cheated, I do not see that ever happening.

 

This is kinda my point. Her husband has shown in the past that he is slow to react to issues in the marriage, any movement he makes will be offset by her continued affair or go unnoticed because her focus in on the OM. His anger would grow.

 

Besides, I think its really a mute point because I doubt her husband will want to continue in the marriage anyways. It just takes time, he is likely in the BH's caveman stage where he just wants to get back what's his. When it passes he will want nothing to do with her, since he wanted out even before the affair.

 

OP, I never said you didn't try, what I'm saying is the affair is all about YOU and has nothing to do with your husband. Even if he was the perfect husband, you would have likely still gotten involved with this other guy. Why? Because you felt like you missed out on something with him. Its the easy route to say it only happened because your husband was....whatever justifaction you come up with.

 

There isn't a solid foundation to build on here. He doesn't want to be married to you, and you feel OM is the one that got away.

[stillafool]

Your husband wants you back now because there is another man involved. After he gets you back the mind pictures will start and he will grow more and more angry with you and himself for taking you back. I think your marriage was dead to begin with but that was still no excuse for you to cheat. If you were unhappy you should have divorced and been free to seek true love. Staying only for the childs sake never works. I think divorce is the best option now.

[LoveMyHusband]

You most certainly won't be judged by me given your situation. It's not like you were pretending to be in a loving marriage but going behind his back and having an affair or were just bored and selfishly wanted to leave your husband for someone else with more money or better looks. It sounds like your marriage was in trouble long before you got back in touch with this ex. This "affair" if you want to call it that is a manifestation of the fact that your marriage was already dead even if it was still legally viable. You might as well have considered yourselves unofficially separated when the affair began. You were in mind and actions.

 

After all, your husband is very abusive for starters. I would say the fact that he wants a divorce is a blessing. Don't be surprised, however, if he tries to turn this around on you and say you were at fault for the dissolution of your marriage because you cheated. I don't know what the laws of your state are, but regardless of who would recover what the divorce is priceless for the sake of your sanity and for your daughter's well-being. It's not healthy for children to witness animosity between their parents. Since your daughter is very young, it's better to be divorced sooner than later when she's old enough to know what is happening and be affected by it.

 

On a side note, I do agree with another poster on here. This demand for a divorce is a knee-jerk reaction to the fact that another man is involved. It's a matter of your husband being selfish and jealous.

[Chi townD]

Yes I did cheat, i own that, but I tired for years to get him to get counseling with me so we could save this marriage, he refused. He called me names in front of my child and is never home, he does what he wants when he wants. I have been cheated on in past relationships and never thought I would do this. He has done all this before I cheated, even told me he didn't love me and asks for a divorce every 6 mos. I'm not trying to justify it but he has hurt me and this did not help my decision.

 

Girl, you're not a Princess in this either. I speculate that if your husband came on here, I'm pretty sure that he would have a thing or two to say about you. Paint a completely different picture about you as well. Meaning, there are two sides of the story. There were problems in the marriage. He can own up to 50% of those problems and you need to own up to the other 50%. But, you cheating on him was entirely 100% on you. That was a CHOICE you made and your husband had nothing to do with that. He didn't push you into another man's arms. You went willingly and guilt free because YOU wanted to.

 

 

Now, if you want the divorce, you know that you're going to have to sacrifice a lot. You're only going to be a part time Mom. Meaning that your Ex husband has rights too. And he should have access to her 50% of her life. 50/50 on custody. So, you won't get to see your daughter anytime you want. Is the other dude worth that? And speaking of him, he's 1000 miles away! Your Ex can and WILL win an injunction that you can't take your daughter out of state and you can't move his daughter out of state. If you think that loverboy can come to you, Well, he can. But, your ex-husband can get a restraining order out on the OM stating that he can be around your daughter while the divorce is still pending as it would be too confusing to her. And he'll win that one. Less time for you and loverboy.

 

 

Now, with you and your OM. You stated that he was an Ex. Well, there's a reason our Ex's are our Ex's. So, you have that going against you. Stats show that relationships that start out from infidelity only have anywhere between 7% to 14% of actually making it long term. Because the foundation of your relationship is built on the pain of others.

 

 

 

 

Look, all I'm saying is you got a lot to think about. And you need to consider EVERYTHING! Did you even consider some of those things I said even before I wrote them? You need to think long and hard. Don't make any rash snap judgments.

[bathtub-row]

I think most regulars here know my sentiments about abusers. He doesn't deserve any considerations. The affair wasn't your best move but I think it served its purpose -- to jump-start your exit from this soul-destroying marriage. And, btw, was he thinking of your feelings when he was yelling at you and putting you down? Was he thinking about the awful life he was giving his daughter?

 

Make no mistake, if you go back to this guy, he will use this affair against you every chance he gets. He will bring it up and use it, as he has no doubt used every piece of info about you to put you down.

 

Pull yourself out of this unproductive mode you're in and remind yourself of what a jerk he was, and always will be, and remember that this current act he's pulling is just that: a grand act. As soon as he gets what he wants, it will be all-out war again. Lose him like the bad habit that he is.

 

As far as the other guy is concerned, I agree with the others that you need to take your time before getting involved with someone. If you see him, just keep it on a friendship level for now. Get to know one another and see if you're actually compatible before getting too emotionally attached.

[ComingInHot]

We started having probs when my daughter was 2 , he told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce...I begged him to stay and get help ,he stayed but we never got any mc , this has gone on for years and we always sweep problems under the rug. He has been very verbally abusive and very selfish over the years. Family and friends all have seen it, however I stayed because I love my daughter and wanted a fam for her and thought he would change.

 

Daisy3220, I hope he changes too. But, don't hold your breath and do not believe he has changed because he can pretend to be all the things you want/need him to be until the dust settles.

 

After all this time and now after you have cheated, do you think you can fall back in love with him and stay with him whether he truly changes or not?

 

People really can change Daisy3220, but many just don't want to...

[TrustedthenBusted]

Sorry to hear you are struggling, but I have to say, just the title of your post irked me.

 

One of the things my FWW used to say over and over was " Don't Judge "

 

Drove me nuts.

 

I mean come on... judging people is what we do as humans, and you've just given your husband, and everyone in the world with internet access a bunch of information on which to make a judgement call.

 

I know it's a little thing... but thought it's worth pointing out, because if you are saying it to your husband as well... I can assure you it will go over like a turd in a punchbowl.

[Spectre]

Yes I did cheat, i own that, but I tired for years to get him to get counseling with me so we could save this marriage, he refused. He called me names in front of my child and is never home, he does what he wants when he wants. I have been cheated on in past relationships and never thought I would do this. He has done all this before I cheated, even told me he didn't love me and asks for a divorce every 6 mos. I'm not trying to justify it but he has hurt me and this did not help my decision.

 

Okay, but just to be clear you and your cheating is 100% on you, it doesn't matter what he did, you could of walked away instead of cheating. I don't care what he told you, it doesn't matter.

 

Get a divorce, neither of you have any love or respect for the other.

 

I also have to agree with the above poster, the "don't judge" thing comes off as strange. We as a society judge people for everything. Do not come to a site like this and then say "don't judge" because it is quite pointless.

[harrybrown]

At least stop the A and go NC with the POSOM until you are finally divorced.

 

Do it for your kids and to wait and find someone that is not a cheater.

 

If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Does not make the POSOM a knight in shining armor.

 

You should stop all contact with the OM until you are D. Have that much respect for your child.

[oldshirt]

I think you should accept his offer for MC and go to counseling and work with the counselor in good faith.

 

However not for the reason you may think. Counseling isn't always just to save a marriage. Sometimes it can help people to separate and divorce with less drama and pain and bitterness and help people to move on without as much baggage.

 

I agree that the marriage is likely not going to be saved and it probably shouldn't be saved. Counseling can still serve a valuable service though. With counseling, all of you may able understand where and how things went wrong and be able to collaborate in dissolving the marriage in a manner that is as cooperative and amicable as possible.

 

It may also help down the road in that you can reflect back and tell yourself that you tried to make things as peaceful as possible.

[dichotomy]

I think most regulars here know my sentiments about abusers. He doesn't deserve any considerations. The affair wasn't your best move but I think it served its purpose -- to jump-start your exit from this soul-destroying marriage. And, btw, was he thinking of your feelings when he was yelling at you and putting you down? Was he thinking about the awful life he was giving his daughter?

 

Make no mistake, if you go back to this guy, he will use this affair against you every chance he gets. He will bring it up and use it, as he has no doubt used every piece of info about you to put you down.

 

Pull yourself out of this unproductive mode you're in and remind yourself of what a jerk he was, and always will be, and remember that this current act he's pulling is just that: a grand act. As soon as he gets what he wants, it will be all-out war again. Lose him like the bad habit that he is.

 

As far as the other guy is concerned, I agree with the others that you need to take your time before getting involved with someone. If you see him, just keep it on a friendship level for now. Get to know one another and see if you're actually compatible before getting too emotionally attached.

 

I agree with this - good advice.

[Daisy3220]

Girl, you're not a Princess in this either. I speculate that if your husband came on here, I'm pretty sure that he would have a thing or two to say about you. Paint a completely different picture about you as well. Meaning, there are two sides of the story. There were problems in the marriage. He can own up to 50% of those problems and you need to own up to the other 50%. But, you cheating on him was entirely 100% on you. That was a CHOICE you made and your husband had nothing to do with that. He didn't push you into another man's arms. You went willingly and guilt free because YOU wanted to.

 

 

Now, if you want the divorce, you know that you're going to have to sacrifice a lot. You're only going to be a part time Mom. Meaning that your Ex husband has rights too. And he should have access to her 50% of her life. 50/50 on custody. So, you won't get to see your daughter anytime you want. Is the other dude worth that? And speaking of him, he's 1000 miles away! Your Ex can and WILL win an injunction that you can't take your daughter out of state and you can't move his daughter out of state. If you think that loverboy can come to you, Well, he can. But, your ex-husband can get a restraining order out on the OM stating that he can be around your daughter while the divorce is still pending as it would be too confusing to her. And he'll win that one. Less time for you and loverboy.

 

 

Now, with you and your OM. You stated that he was an Ex. Well, there's a reason our Ex's are our Ex's. So, you have that going against you. Stats show that relationships that start out from infidelity only have anywhere between 7% to 14% of actually making it long term. Because the foundation of your relationship is built on the pain of others.

 

 

 

 

Look, all I'm saying is you got a lot to think about. And you need to consider EVERYTHING! Did you even consider some of those things I said even before I wrote them? You need to think long and hard. Don't make any rash snap judgments.

 

It's funny about the shared time with my child because he has her now and we are in a blizzard and he can't get her home and he's annoyed. He never spends time with her. It's always me and always has been. , he has proved this more since we separate ...he Has zero tolerance for her. As far as the om, I never said I has plams to be with him, he lives far away and even if he moves back I doubt would work. Thanks though, you made good points... I know there are 2 sides to every story but even his family and friends have asked why I stayed this long

[Daisy3220]

I think you should accept his offer for MC and go to counseling and work with the counselor in good faith.

 

However not for the reason you may think. Counseling isn't always just to save a marriage. Sometimes it can help people to separate and divorce with less drama and pain and bitterness and help people to move on without as much baggage.

 

I agree that the marriage is likely not going to be saved and it probably shouldn't be saved. Counseling can still serve a valuable service though. With counseling, all of you may able understand where and how things went wrong and be able to collaborate in dissolving the marriage in a manner that is as cooperative and amicable as possible.

 

It may also help down the road in that you can reflect back and tell yourself that you tried to make things as peaceful as possible.

I agree, we both came to the decision that seeking mc may help some of the anger and be better parents. Thanks

[Furious]

So my husband and I have been married for almost 9 years...we met and did everything quick, moved in bought a car got engaged, married bought a house and had a child all in less than 2 years. We started having probs when my daughter was 2 , he told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce...I begged him to stay and get help ,he stayed but we never got any mc , this has gone on for years and we always sweep problems under the rug. He has been very verbally abusive and very selfish over the years. Family and friends all have seen it, however I stayed because I love my daughter and wanted a fam for her and thought he would change. Recently ,in May I begin talking to an ex who now lives 1000 miles away but he was having prob in his marriage too, we talked a lot and he was someone I never truly got over, I still liked him when I met my hubby, just at the time it wasn't right. Anyway, I saw him in august when he was home and we had sex one time, I feel bad because I didn't feel guilty and we still talked every day. His wife moved out in sept and I was still at home. I haven't liked sex with my hubby in along time, it doesn't turn me on, I feel bad that it was so easy to sleep with my ex ....anyway right before Xmas my hubby saw an email and knows everything. He asked for a d and is angry. I moved out with my daughter and now after 6 years he says he will counseling. I am so confused, I love him but not sure I'm in love and not sure what I want , he has been so mean to me in the past and that's how I justified my affair. It's more of an ea, pa only was once so far. He is coming home this week and I have plans to see him, which may be a bad idea.

Please don't judge, I go thru days I cry all day that I hurt him and feel like I ruined my family but so much happen over the years ...any advice

 

 

I get that you do not want to be judged. I get that you want advice and support.

 

What I get from your post is that you've been mistreated and neglected by your husband and I feel for you.

 

Sadly, instead of divorcing him, you sought validation from someone from your past and lost your integrity.

 

If your main concern was giving your child a happy home, you chose to invite more drama into his/her life.

 

You seem like a sweet person who gives up your own voice. in a way you were looking for a knight in shining armour to rescue you.

 

Odds are your knight in shining armour is wearing a tin foil suit of armour and he's most likely married too, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Your self worth and self esteem comes from within. You are your own hero.

 

It's hard to end a marriage, but to jump from one toxic relationship into another relationship is not healthy.

 

Give yourself breathing space, discover yourself again and give your child stability. If you do this, you will be able to forge a healthy foundation in a loving and authentic future love.

[Daisy3220]

I get that you do not want to be judged. I get that you want advice and support.

 

What I get from your post is that you've been mistreated and neglected by your husband and I feel for you.

 

Sadly, instead of divorcing him, you sought validation from someone from your past and lost your integrity.

 

If your main concern was giving your child a happy home, you chose to invite more drama into his/her life.

 

You seem like a sweet person who gives up your own voice. in a way you were looking for a knight in shining armour to rescue you.

 

Odds are your knight in shining armour is wearing a tin foil suit of armour and he's most likely married too, correct me if I'm wrong.

 

Your self worth and self esteem comes from within. You are your own hero.

 

It's hard to end a marriage, but to jump from one toxic relationship into another relationship is not healthy.

 

Give yourself breathing space, discover yourself again and give your child stability. If you do this, you will be able to forge a healthy foundation in a loving and authentic future love.

 

Thanks yes he was married but they are separated as well, and this came from his mom not just him so it's true, but we wouldn't have a relationship anyway it wouldn't work