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Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion part 2


HurtHusband

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Hi everyone,

 

Just carrying on from my original post. I got the results of the DNA paternity test by email. ( uk company, very fast, good service) I had to send Qtips, wipe inside cheek of both kids and my sample too. I was half afraid to open the email, it was absolutely nerve racking. The result thank god was that I am the father of both kids, 99.9% probability! So this is a massive weight off my mind...

 

You see because of her behavior and that letter where she met the old flame exactly 9 months before our eldest was born.. I was very worried...

 

 

I was actually thinking about my kids paternity so much that I forgot about my marital troubles, the relief I felt that they are really my kids was amazing, euphoria...

 

 

We had a fantastic beach holiday, kids had a great time, just a good family holiday... I tried to take a selfie of me and the wife at the water park.. Tried to kiss her on the cheek to gauge her reaction but she won't even allow me give her a little peck on the cheek.. That says it all really...

 

My brother in law and sister now know the truth, and my sister is supportive. I needed support..I needed family.

 

To dirk and old shirt, you guys are totally right. You should live your life with honesty and without fear.. You express what you want in a relationship and how you want it, and if they don't like it, than adios. Good on ya dirk for living life on your terms...

 

Now that's the sort of life I wound like too eventually.

 

Elder kid should start new school in September.. Wife talks about me applying for other work etc. life continues...last night she told me the neighbor got pregnant.. Who's the father? Says I.. She gave me the finger..abit touchy for her.. Bad joke I suppose, it slipt out...pregnancy is the last thing I want to talk about with her.. After she confessed last year, it always hurt me if she mentioned pregnancy or friends getting pregnant etc. I would usually change the topic.

 

 

My sister has no time for my wife and does not want to see her, my dad is the same. 2 yrs ago my patent visited, stayed awhile with us, was great for them to see kids etc. wife was not so hospitable, I told her so and she stormed off to her mothers in a huff.. My folks noticed, I was so disappointed. My family are really nice decent people and they have treated her like family when we go back there.. At the time my mother had a pain down her left side.

I said I would change their tickets and they decided to go back early.

I met the wife and her mother the next day at noon in the station, I handed over the kids. Wife totally snubbed my parents.. Didn't even say hello.

Afterwards my mother was in tears, I felt so bad, my parents flew back.

About 6 months later my mother passed away, inoperable brain tumour.

Even the pope says if you insult my mother you will get a punch..

 

My wife didn't know how upset my parents were...

 

 

My sister has often sent clothes, the kids talk to their cousins ( my wife never even says hello on the phone) when we talk about going back, I know my wife is apprehensive, she probably thinks my dad does'nt like her...

 

 

For me going home for a visit with the kids is of course normal but it will give me an idea of where things stand.. If she balks at the suggestion of me going back with both kids or all together as a family, than i know that she can't really be reasoned with and we would be better off just glossing over it, than going to Thailand or somewhere and me than refusing to come back with the kids..

I know that sounds hard, I feel like saying " I want to be in the kids lives, your promises are not worth ****, there are no laws and I have no parental rights, why should I trust you? Sell your apartment which is worth a considerable sum and put the money in my bank back home ( her inheritance is already there) the money us for the kids, their schooling etc. but you are a kier and cheater, do that if you want to share custody, prove to me that you can be trusted or else screw you.. I will stay here in SE Asia and you can scream all you want.

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Dude I really don't understand why you are still fishing for reasons to stay. Every thread that you have created has pointed to the fact that your wife does not love. Heck man, she doesn't even love your family. It's past time to drop her bro. Again, I have encountered plenty of women that would kill to be with a guy like you.

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Congratulation on the DNA result. However, your marriage is not worth saving. Do whatever you can do to ge out of that sham of a marriage.

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In the UK, the justice system is heavily weighted in favour of taking care of the children. Whoever gets the children, gets the house, the money, the lot.

 

OP do yourself a favour and see a solicitor who specialises in divorce. You need to know the bad news before you do anything. Statistically speaking, your wife will keep the children and therefore the marital home. You will be expected to fund both. The courts either directly or through mediation will split funds depending on who has the children and who has the highest income.

 

The most likely event is your wife will have the children and ultimately her name will end up on the deeds of the house. The more money, savings, pension, collateral you have and the less she has, the more it will cost you.

 

Fault is of no relevance in a UK divorce. You need to see a solicitor. The cost for a one hour session will be around £120 - £200. It will be sobering, but you need to know where you stand.

 

Remember how you've done all the right things? Saved money, got a pension, bought a house, paid your mortgage, etc. All of that works against you in a divorce.

 

I am not kidding here. You need to know what a divorce in reality will cost you. The news will not be good.

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First of all, I wouldn't be taking any trips with this woman. She's a total witch and nothing about her or this marriage will change. You need to accept that and stop acting like a doormat.

 

I'm really confused about you losing the kids if you divorce. Since when do fathers not get visitation rights in the UK? I don't live there but find it really hard to belive this.

 

Your "who's the father" remark was hysterical, btw. Lol.

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Although he would get visitation rights. They aren't enforced seriously by the courts here. Once she has the children, she'll get the money, keep the house and can do what she wants.

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SycamoreCircle

What a terrible situation.

 

You should not take digs at your wife about her infidelity.

 

If she loathes you, and it appears she does, it would be best for the two of you to separate. I don't believe this situation can foster love. And if children grow up in a home where there is no love between the parents, then its best they grow up with separated but happy parents.

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Although he would get visitation rights. They aren't enforced seriously by the courts here. Once she has the children, she'll get the money, keep the house and can do what she wants.

 

Well, that's pretty horrible. It still wouldn't keep me in this mess of a marriage. All it's doing is giving her license to act like a self-entitled witch.

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In the UK, the justice system is heavily weighted in favour of taking care of the children. Whoever gets the children, gets the house, the money, the lot.

 

OP do yourself a favour and see a solicitor who specialises in divorce. You need to know the bad news before you do anything. Statistically speaking, your wife will keep the children and therefore the marital home. You will be expected to fund both. The courts either directly or through mediation will split funds depending on who has the children and who has the highest income.

 

The most likely event is your wife will have the children and ultimately her name will end up on the deeds of the house. The more money, savings, pension, collateral you have and the less she has, the more it will cost you.

 

Fault is of no relevance in a UK divorce. You need to see a solicitor. The cost for a one hour session will be around £120 - £200. It will be sobering, but you need to know where you stand.

 

Remember how you've done all the right things? Saved money, got a pension, bought a house, paid your mortgage, etc. All of that works against you in a divorce.

 

I am not kidding here. You need to know what a divorce in reality will cost you. The news will not be good.

 

He lives in Japan.

The situation is wayyyyyyy worse off if you are a man there [especially a gaijin ... a foreigner] than if you are man going through a divorce in UK.

 

The kids are put on their mother's registry and considered the mother's property.

The father has to pay up and at most he will get 1 visit per month .... unenforced.

Edited by Radu
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That changes everything.

 

I thought he was in the UK.

 

Maybe there is an advice forum to western guys who are/have been based in Japan who may be able to give better advice.

 

His wife clearly knows she holds all the cards and he is bollocksed whatever he does.

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What you have is not a marriage, what you have is blackmail and as long as you play by her rules you get to see your children. Perhaps if you deal with her as a blackmailer and not your wife you might be better off, who knows you might even be able to negotiate some of what the O/M get.

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HH, I am so pleased you received positive news. And please know that we will continue to be here for you.

 

I'm glad you reached out to your family and I hope you will continue to report back on your progress - or setbacks - when/if they occur.

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Seriously, I held my breath while clicking on this thread. Congratulations on the positive paternity test results.

 

Sounds like your wife even has her affairs planned out when she aborts her APs baby/babies, knowing they could threaten her position of power. Purely calculated and cold-hearted.

 

Is there really no way for you to get the kids and get rid of her? Have you consulted a lawyer at least to see what your options are? What about going to the public with your story, let a newspaper print it and raise discussions?

 

It would be so much easier if ypu were a jerk who didn't care about his kids, honestly.

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I feel for you man, because of the laws where you live it seems like you have to keep this horrible harpy in your life if you want your kids. It sucks. It's like your doctor telling you that you need to ingest a parasite.

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HH

 

Glad to see you back here. I'm glad about the paternity results for you. I was hanging on the edge like Nolimit.

 

I can't believe you even wanted to touch her though.

You really must detach from her honestly, she is not anything that resembles a wife. Be as cold as you can with her.

 

 

See if you can take both girls to your home country or the option of living in Thailand sounds good.

 

Again I don't go in for bashing posters spouses here, but your WW really is one in a million. That kind of nastiness is rare. Get a plan into action, get a new job if you want to and not because she tells you to. Is she wanting a job where you'll be in another location or one with more money?

 

You have to put yourself first and protect yourself from her. She's a crazy kind of evil.

 

I also don't like to hear of children taken from their moms, but I make an exception in this case. She's bidding her time to stab you in the back again.

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congratulations! you dodged a big bullet. something to be thankful for in this train wreck of a marriage.

 

 

What do the kids think of mom? do they love her, like being with her? If so, taking them somewhere else, and ceasing contact with mom...will be devastating to them.

 

 

If however she is just as evil with the kids, and they know it and are dying to get away....well...then move to a country that does not take kindly to women trying to take their kids back against the kids wishes.

 

 

good luck.

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I only tried to kiss her on the cheek to gauge her reaction... I doubt we will ever be intimate again. My sister said the same thing, how could you go on holiday with this woman? Well the kids had a great time, beach, zoo, pool, pony rides.. Sunshine. It was great... I had the paternity result hanging over me, but still managed to enjoy being with the kids in S'pore.

 

I think it's sort of a miracle that the eldest is mine... The letter from July 09 from the old flame.. He mentions 'sneeking kisses on the train, going dancing, going to Disney land..,' it's like they were a young courting couple and this guy was falling for her. Than 9 months later our eldest was born. Is it possible she thought she was pregnant by him? Because at that time, we were living together and had been for about 7 yrs, if she was swept up in a whirlwind romance with him, how the hell could she think about having kids and marrying me?

 

 

Now fast forward to Jan 2015. My timeline here is this.. My daughter is starting the international school in September. Wife has said to me, why not go home with the elder child from April..( only the elder one..) she wants the opportunity to meet the OF. Elder child would notice.

 

She is in touch with the old flame and he asked for permission from his job to come back here for lectures. I assume it could be 1-2 weeks. Old flame is married, two boys, a seargeant in the PD. I know all this cause I know her iphone pin. I photographed all their texts etc. He sent her a purse for Xmas ( Kate spade) and his two letters from 2009 are in the drawer.

 

Now my wife got back in touch with him in October last yr,a month after having an abortion. She also promised me she would be good. You can read my previous thread, but to be brief, they reconnect, share photos, compliment each other, wife invites him over and wants to show him around, book his hotel and take him to hot springs ( wink wink ! ) he is delighted, all the romantic memories from the past fill his head.

 

Strange how they are both married with kids and neither of them seem to care about the devastation they could cause? He really slips up and writes horrible slushy stuff like ' I am so happy we are in touch again, and looking forward to all the great times we can have together...I must have fallen for you all those years ago.. And no your not crazy, I think about you a lot too" jeez! Feel sorry for his poor wife!

 

 

 

Now, my wife is a cheater and I know she will cheat again and I know what she's up to. I won't just stand by and let this guy fly over here to screw my wife. ( for want of a better word...sounds even strange calling her 'wife' )

 

I will be back home with both kids, we go on holiday beforehand or if I'm still here and she says she's going to an hot spring resort with 'friends' than that's it, I am flying out of here with the kids..

 

 

They might be using 'line' no mails between them recently. I stopped checking too. I know I have to stay one step ahead of her, but I know enough.

 

 

 

 

 

UPDATE: January 28th 2016

 

 

I am now living in Germany with our two children. They are going to school. They are settling in, they are doing fine. At first it was turbulent, I had to explain that mommy is working overseas. We came back for a holiday, I pretended to discover the texts from the OF. I left her, said I needed space. I phoned her mother, told her everything. I texted all her friends and all the mothers from school. Told them everything too. I phoned the old flame's wife in the US. Sent her a link with photos of the texts his letters etc etc. she seemed devastated, emailed his superiors too. Heard he went through a costly divorce and that his reputation is in tatters.

 

If you mess with someone's family, start a fight or screw another mans wife.. What do you expect? Why are these people surprised when the **** hits the fan?

Am I suppose to feel sorry for him now?

 

You have to file a Hague case within 1 yr, in the country your kids are in. Hard to do that, when you don't know which country they are in. I Now have a new partner and am getting married which will make the kids status here even more permanent. Life goes on... I kept in touch with the ex wife sending photos and updates about the kids via a friend. I explained in great detail my reasons for leaving, she is still hopping mad. I suppose she is just mad I did to her what she could have done to me. I blame her 100% for this predicament, I remind her that there are no laws on visitation in her country, that she threatened to take my kids away, was having affairs etc. and I felt I had no other option. Legally and looking at the statistics and evidence about custody here. I would lose .

 

It's sad that someone gas to win or lose ? It's the kids who lose the most... If I stayed there and lost my kids and become just another victim another shut out parent.. Would that help change the custody situation in that country? I doubt it.... I woke up one day, and thought that I was going to be the boss form now on....no one was going to give me permission, no court appointed mediator was going to tell me I found see my kids 4 times a year ( normal here)

 

I was going to decide for myself, because I know what's best and because I have an almost missionary zeal in knowing that I am making the right choice in the long term and that I am no ones slave....

 

 

Now that the dust has settled, one day my kids will be older and I can explain the reasons and logic behind my actions. I have also extended an olive branch to the ex and allowed her visitation. A GPS tracker attached to the kid. In the complete absence of a family law system which guarantees I have no parental rights and with an ex who is a lire and cheater, I had to go to great lengths to get to where I am now and all because I love my kids and like being in their life..

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* spanz..... The kids of course love their mother. The kids are well looked after. I know they live their mother. But my wife suggested I go back with the elder kid from April until Sep. That's 5-6 months. She is 5 years old. I know going back is fun for the kids etc. I don't want to deprive them if a mother but there hs no shared custody here,and I have to break out if this situation. If I am in control, we can talk and she may come to her senses. Right now, she would brush me off, tell me to move out.. "Don't come back! ( she actually said that once 2 months ago when u caught her looking at the OM's website and I did'nt but her lame excuse)

 

I am not a heartless bastard, but I have to understand what's at risk and play her game until I get a chance to turn the tables on her

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* spanz..... The kids of course love their mother. The kids are well looked after. I know they live their mother. But my wife suggested I go back with the elder kid from April until Sep. That's 5-6 months. She is 5 years old. I know going back is fun for the kids etc. I don't want to deprive them if a mother but there hs no shared custody here,and I have to break out if this situation. If I am in control, we can talk and she may come to her senses. Right now, she would brush me off, tell me to move out.. "Don't come back! ( she actually said that once 2 months ago when u caught her looking at the OM's website and I did'nt but her lame excuse)

 

I am not a heartless bastard, but I have to understand what's at risk and play her game until I get a chance to turn the tables on her

 

Come on man, your just making excuses because you don't have it in you to do what you have to do. This is why she is using you as a step stool and stumping out your manhood. She has absolutely no respect for you. You just take it.

 

UPDATE JAN 1, 2016

 

YOUR STILL doing the same s h I t

 

Do something, gain some respect.

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Look, why can't I 'blow up' and call her out on this **** when we are back in Europe? Why risk it here?? Where she knows she has me by the balls? Do you think I'm exaggerating?

 

What about my Japanese buddy, who is still married, going through a lawyer and has'nt seen his son in 4 yrs. or my other buddy john who has only seen his daughter twice in 7 years. Or thousands of others.. 'Standing up for yourself' worked out really well for those guys...

 

I put up with it cause I like being in my kids lives and seeing them everyday. I could have an affair too but don't want to complicate my life right now. Look a lot of these 'left behind parents' are broken people, they are destroyed, depression, drinking, some of them commit suicide you name it..they cling to 'hope' of seeing their kids again and that's all they have. Than many times when the kids grow up they have no memories of the other parent and have what's called 'parental alienation syndrome' you can't get that time back. The bonds are broken.

 

I don't want that.. Is my wife somehow different? Will it all work out swell? You keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I don't want to be her bitch and I want out, but what if we have words while we are outside this country, all that has to happen here is you move out..you don't even need a lawyer or to go to court. The divorce paper is 1 page. There is no alimony system or visitation system.

 

 

If I get frozen out are you going to come with me and stand outside the apartment complex or my kids school so I can catch a glimpse of my kids? You think my embassy, the city hall, the church are going to help..nope...it's a civil matter..my sympathies.. Tut.. Tut.. Bye now..

 

I know where your coming from! It would feel good to say WTF are you doing woman! But regaining some pride, being single again and screwing some hot chicks will not replace not being able to see my kids..that's the goal, to get into a situation where I have some leverage or control over the situation. Now that might take afew months..but it will happen sometime before September, trust me.

Edited by HurtHusband
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Op, your last update is a bit confusing. Do you mean to say you have succeeded in moving your family from Japan to Germany? Please do any thing to move far away from that wicked woman.

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No, I was thinking about what my life could be like, 1 year from now....I either do nothing and wait for her to decide, or we break up here or over there..

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No, I was thinking about what my life could be like, 1 year from now....I either do nothing and wait for her to decide, or we break up here or over there..

 

HH, I understand what you are saying and it makes sense. No one would like the situation you are explaining with regards to your children. But, and this is something that should give you power, as you said there is no Alimony system either. Where exactly where your wife go and what would she do for income if she left you? If the government won't/can’t force you to pay then anything you give would be in the interest of sustaining your children. You would be under no obligation to do anything more that ensuring your kids are clothed, schooled and fed. Do you believe your wife is ready to give up the nice home and maid just to take your kids away?

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Look, why can't I 'blow up' and call her out on this **** when we are back in Europe? Why risk it here?? Where she knows she has me by the balls? Do you think I'm exaggerating?

 

What about my Japanese buddy, who is still married, going through a lawyer and has'nt seen his son in 4 yrs. or my other buddy john who has only seen his daughter twice in 7 years. Or thousands of others.. 'Standing up for yourself' worked out really well for those guys...

 

I put up with it cause I like being in my kids lives and seeing them everyday. I could have an affair too but don't want to complicate my life right now. Look a lot of these 'left behind parents' are broken people, they are destroyed, depression, drinking, some of them commit suicide you name it..they cling to 'hope' of seeing their kids again and that's all they have. Than many times when the kids grow up they have no memories of the other parent and have what's called 'parental alienation syndrome' you can't get that time back. The bonds are broken.

 

I don't want that.. Is my wife somehow different? Will it all work out swell? You keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I don't want to be her bitch and I want out, but what if we have words while we are outside this country, all that has to happen here is you move out..you don't even need a lawyer or to go to court. The divorce paper is 1 page. There is no alimony system or visitation system.

 

 

If I get frozen out are you going to come with me and stand outside the apartment complex or my kids school so I can catch a glimpse of my kids? You think my embassy, the city hall, the church are going to help..nope...it's a civil matter..my sympathies.. Tut.. Tut.. Bye now..

 

I know where your coming from! It would feel good to say WTF are you doing woman! But regaining some pride, being single again and screwing some hot chicks will not replace not being able to see my kids..that's the goal, to get into a situation where I have some leverage or control over the situation. Now that might take afew months..but it will happen sometime before September, trust me.

 

I get it. My sisters friend met and fell in love with a Japanese woman. They had a child together. She went home to visit her family and decided not to come back. Even though he had established parental rights and visitation orders in place there was nothing anyone here could do. Friend went to Japan and married her. They divorced a couple years later and he also hasn't been able to see his child. Her family is taking care of her and the child, they don't want him around, and that's that.

 

Yes, stick it out. Bide your time. Keep her content. And then get out of Japan with your children any way you can. File from a safe distance and get custody. Afterward, DO NOT let her take the kids anywhere unsupervised when she has visits.

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