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Any BW who don't fit into the BW cliche ? Re Sex


DbleBetrayal

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I know that there are betrayed wives on here who read over and over that we can get past the 'sex' part of the cheating/ affair- as long as there was no emotional ties. That we rarely, if ever, suffer triggers or 'mind movies' or whatever you want to call it. I'm sure I am not the only betrayed wife who are haunted and triggered by mind movies of what would have took place. I can't seem to get passed the mental torment, and I feel weird and odd about it- even guilty. Are there other BW's out here that feel the same torment- I mean the lies, manipulation and other garbage that goes with it are bad enough, but the sex part.... It's those physical images in my mind that trigger the whole thing, as they are interconnected with the lies and everything.

 

I mean to the point when WH and I, say, watch a movie together and a sex scene comes on, I even get triggered by that. Or even while having sex. It's that bad. I don't know what it is. How do other women cope with it- so I hear, so well. Or don't they really? They just don't talk about it? Or is it really water under the bridge for you?

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I know that there are betrayed wives on here who read over and over that we can get past the 'sex' part of the cheating/ affair- as long as there was no emotional ties. That we rarely, if ever, suffer triggers or 'mind movies' or whatever you want to call it. I'm sure I am not the only betrayed wife who are haunted and triggered by mind movies of what would have took place. I can't seem to get passed the mental torment, and I feel weird and odd about it- even guilty. Are there other BW's out here that feel the same torment- I mean the lies, manipulation and other garbage that goes with it are bad enough, but the sex part.... It's those physical images in my mind that trigger the whole thing, as they are interconnected with the lies and everything.

 

I mean to the point when WH and I, say, watch a movie together and a sex scene comes on, I even get triggered by that. Or even while having sex. It's that bad. I don't know what it is. How do other women cope with it- so I hear, so well. Or don't they really? They just don't talk about it? Or is it really water under the bridge for you?

 

Initially, I had a lot of trouble with the sex part too. I would be so baffled to read that some women had more of an issue with the emotional part. I was mad about all that *****! But I quickly decided she didn't deserve such headspace. I'm confident with what I have to offer both sexually and emotionally. I was giving her more consideration than she ever deserved and so are you. Unless you've decided on a threesome, only you and hubs should be in your bed. Have you had any IC? I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I also think it is normal. Therapy was great for me.

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Initially, I had a lot of trouble with the sex part too. I would be so baffled to read that some women had more of an issue with the emotional part. I was mad about all that *****! But I quickly decided she didn't deserve such headspace. I'm confident with what I have to offer both sexually and emotionally. I was giving her more consideration than she ever deserved and so are you. Unless you've decided on a threesome, only you and hubs should be in your bed. Have you had any IC? I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I also think it is normal. Therapy was great for me.

 

I did one session of IC and I didn't go back, even my psychologist said I was looking into it too much. Well, she made me feel even more alone. Didn't need that. You're right, she doesn't deserve the headspace- but sometimes it just pops up. I'm definitely confident sexually, always have been, hopefully always will be. Emotionally I'm scarred by it though. I don't know. I am afraid what they did, I can't compete- I mean- there must have been very high adrenalin and excitement there that would have been beyond anything I could match- due to the fact that the situation they were in was so f#%ked up. It really messes with my head.

Edited by DbleBetrayal
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How much do you know about the physical aspect of their A? I feel like the less the bw knows the better. Its enough torture to imagine what happened. Horrible to actually know what went on in a PA. My wh may sexually be satisfying me and maybe he did to his ow but I've had hot sex with other people before I married him. For me at the end of the day the sexual aspect of the A isn't as hurtful as the emotional because sex isn't necessarily tied to emotions.

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How much do you know about the physical aspect of their A? I feel like the less the bw knows the better. Its enough torture to imagine what happened. Horrible to actually know what went on in a PA. My wh may sexually be satisfying me and maybe he did to his ow but I've had hot sex with other people before I married him. For me at the end of the day the sexual aspect of the A isn't as hurtful as the emotional because sex isn't necessarily tied to emotions.

 

I know enough about the physical aspects to be horrified. I know that the sexual aspect shouldn't hurt like emotions etc, but it does. Sexual passion, no matter how dirty it is or how self serving it can be- is still an emotion of sorts, plus it's more- it's physical. If someone called me an idiot or moron or whatever, it wouldn't hurt as much as someone punching me in the face. If it was just him having a crush or something that can go away easily, emotions can be fickle and fleeting. But they shared something more than that physically. It sickens me. I dunno, it's something I'm trying hard to get out of my head. They shared a moment that I couldn't recreate with him if I tried. Somehow one day perhaps I can get passed it.

Edited by DbleBetrayal
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OP: do you feel that sex is so intimate, so precious that it is almost sacred to you?

 

I believe it is very intimate. As intimate as you can get with someone. Not in a religiously special ceremonious way, but there is still high emotions- even if they are just excitement or raw fleeting passion. I hate that that happened.

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I know that there are betrayed wives on here who read over and over that we can get past the 'sex' part of the cheating/ affair- as long as there was no emotional ties.

 

That's an untrue cliche. Both the physical and emotional aspect are equally painful for both genders of BS...

 

Mr. Lucky

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That's an untrue cliche. Both the physical and emotional aspect are equally painful for both genders of BS...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think that might possibly be the case, because I don't understand how anyone can just glaze over that 'bit' of info so easily. It's so way beyond serious, way beyond potential feelings that were had. I mean, there's actually a huge amount of carelessness and disregard put in place to take that leap.

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They shared a moment that I couldn't recreate with him if I tried. Somehow one day perhaps I can get passed it.

 

 

If you can, without hurting to much, could you explain this part - what do you mean? Is this a comparison/self esteme issue? Why don't you think this could be had between the two of you?

Edited by dichotomy
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It doesn't even matter to me how good the encounters were. I have good reason to believe they were not that great in my case, yet that does not bring any comfort. There is still this horrible YUCK factor. I'm left thinking, you did what with who!?! Can't stop thinking that.

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You are definitely not alone. I'm here at least and I'm relieved (saddened also) that other BSs have similar issues.

It's probably up to us together / alone /coupled to brainstorm some strategies to deal with the endless, horrible movies playing out with apparently no STOP button.

My big strategy is REPLACEMENT. Of everything.

 

D Day

I phoned OW first, asked everything I could think of beforehand. Wrote the questions down but basically she was SO ready to bluuuurrrtt it all out to me. I took over 3 pages of notes.

I'm just a gal that needs to have as much information as possible. I couldn't have left any stone unturned. But basically I knew my WH would lie his a$$ off. So then I asked WH. So much more came out.

 

Long & short: big bosom at the hardware store, DING (yeah I know!) He got her phone number then groomed her for 2 weeks

"Forcing" her into it. Right.

Texting, filming & photos exchanged.

3 acts done in her kitchen, one was kissing. WH thinks "ooops I'm married"

I think he realized she didn't do as well as he got at home.

She's in love and wants to reveal all. Husband panicked.

Bang.

 

Anyhow the movies I had were "kitchen", can't be there comfortably any more. Haven't cleared the fridge out in 6 weeks. WH will have to.

Kissing

OWs specific body part, act.

WHs.

Other things like my nanas lounge (filmed on) was removed asap & my first new lounge purchased. WH paying off.

I'm even having Issues with my underwear, looks, nails, even smells! Any fragrance from before D Day I can't wear or stand.

I've bought different deodorant, shampoo and perfume. So many things have been triggers.

 

The acts they did do play over in my mind. Triggers come from nowhere, anywhere and anytime.

The one thing I know my WH didn't have with her was love. He didn't like her face!

 

Tonight I worked out that if he can say he loves me over and over, looking into my eyes, I can continue with stuff after a close hug if the movies start. He says sorry. Sometimes I cry alot or a little. He says sorry. Sometimes I'm just brazen!

 

WH is slowly taking physical responsibility to help me heal and us bond. He thought there was nothing he could do to ease my pain. That's changing.

It's start / stop / backwards then sometimes forwards.

 

I'm working nearly 24/7 with the focus on myself. I figure this will carry me through in either eventuality. Triggers happen then when he's with me I say BANG and he says sorry. They're more sporadic now. So a decrease is good.

I'm starting back at work in 2 days. I'm gonna wear an elastic band around my wrist to snap if I get a trigger there.

 

Meanwhile I'm replacing so much. Feeling better but still very scarred. Everything's changed.

I hope we can get more strategies over time to help us recover from movies.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

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Actually I use the word "intrusions" for what others here call mind movies. Some intrusions are indeed like a movie playing out, sometimes creative, sometimes fictions I play out trying to change the outcome, sometimes editing the story. But for me intrusions because they enter my head without my permission.

 

I did some self hypnosis audio that had reasonable success in controlling the number, intensity and frequency of triggers.

 

But watching a movie is pretty much going to trigger me every time. Until Dday I didn't realise the extent that infidelity and cheating and lying is pretty much in every decent drama and comedy coming out of Hollywood.

 

But it's kind of cathartic to experience it through another narrative than my own. Externalised is okay.

 

 

 

You are definitely not alone. I'm here at least and I'm relieved c(saddened also) that other BSs have similar issues.

It's probably up to us together / alone /coupled to brainstorm some strategies to deal with the endless, horrible movies playing out with apparently no STOP button.

My big strategy is REPLACEMENT. Of everything.

 

D Day

I phoned OW first, asked everything I could think of beforehand. Wrote the questions down but basically she was SO ready to bluuuurrrtt it all out to me. I took over 3 pages of notes.

I'm just a gal that needs to have as much information as possible. I couldn't have left any stone unturned. But basically I knew my WH would lie his a$$ off. So then I asked WH. So much more came out.

 

Long & short: big bosom at the hardware store, DING (yeah I know!) He got her phone number then groomed her for 2 weeks

"Forcing" her into it. Right.

Texting, filming & photos exchanged.

3 acts done in her kitchen, one was kissing. WH thinks "ooops I'm married"

I think he realized she didn't do as well as he got at home.

She's in love and wants to reveal all. Husband panicked.

Bang.

 

Anyhow the movies I had were "kitchen", can't be there comfortably any more. Haven't cleared the fridge out in 6 weeks. WH will have to.

Kissing

OWs specific body part, act.

WHs.

Other things like my nanas lounge (filmed on) was removed asap & my first new lounge purchased. WH paying off.

I'm even having Issues with my underwear, looks, nails, even smells! Any fragrance from before D Day I can't wear or stand.

I've bought different deodorant, shampoo and perfume. So many things have been triggers.

 

The acts they did do play over in my mind. Triggers come from nowhere, anywhere and anytime.

The one thing I know my WH didn't have with her was love. He didn't like her face!

 

Tonight I worked out that if he can say he loves me over and over, looking into my eyes, I can continue with stuff after a close hug if the movies start. He says sorry. Sometimes I cry alot or a little. He says sorry. Sometimes I'm just brazen!

 

WH is slowly taking physical responsibility to help me heal and us bond. He thought there was nothing he could do to ease my pain. That's changing.

It's start / stop / backwards then sometimes forwards.

 

I'm working nearly 24/7 with the focus on myself. I figure this will carry me through in either eventuality. Triggers happen then when he's with me I say BANG and he says sorry. They're more sporadic now. So a decrease is good.

I'm starting back at work in 2 days. I'm gonna wear an elastic band around my wrist to snap if I get a trigger there.

 

Meanwhile I'm replacing so much. Feeling better but still very scarred. Everything's changed.

I hope we can get more strategies over time to help us recover from movies.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

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When the A was exposed to me and I confronted my WH, I remember asking him about the sex. I remember him not wanting to tell me any details. Only saying that he "effed" someone else and it couldn't get any worse than that. He didn't see the point in giving me details or hurting me any more than I was hurt. The one thing he did say was that it was unprotected. Which of course upset me more.

 

I did not want the details. Our WS screwed other people. That is the bottom line. If we decide to reconcile, then in some way, shape or form we do have to try to get past it.

 

For me after 2 years and 3 months since D-Day is knowing and feeling that the desire my H has is genuinely for "me" is what helps me get past it. I don't think that I could submit to a sexual relationship with him if I didn't feel that there was a passion or desire to be with me.

 

R is fixing the broken pieces and falling in love again. Its about a new commitment to each other.

 

The mind movies eventually fade and will not hurt as much. I know that the OW was no one he wanted to be with and she was used. I think someone who allows themselves to be used a receptacle for someone else's horny pleasures has more to deal with mentally.

 

R takes time and a real commitment and willingness from the BS and the WS. Things do get better with time.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited by jnel921
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I know that there are betrayed wives on here who read over and over that we can get past the 'sex' part of the cheating/ affair- as long as there was no emotional ties. That we rarely, if ever, suffer triggers or 'mind movies' or whatever you want to call it. I'm sure I am not the only betrayed wife who are haunted and triggered by mind movies of what would have took place. I can't seem to get passed the mental torment, and I feel weird and odd about it- even guilty. Are there other BW's out here that feel the same torment- I mean the lies, manipulation and other garbage that goes with it are bad enough, but the sex part.... It's those physical images in my mind that trigger the whole thing, as they are interconnected with the lies and everything.

 

I mean to the point when WH and I, say, watch a movie together and a sex scene comes on, I even get triggered by that. Or even while having sex. It's that bad. I don't know what it is. How do other women cope with it- so I hear, so well. Or don't they really? They just don't talk about it? Or is it really water under the bridge for you?

 

This is/was me to a T.

 

For my WH it was "only" about the sex. He didn't seek, hide or conceal his infidelity. It happened and he told me as direct as he went to the store for milk. My BH is not a liar, a cheat however. He is truthful to a fault. It has been 18 years.

 

It was bad like how you discribe it. I would watch for a reaction in love scenes in a movie and during sex for many years I rarely climaxed. I would be consumed by "did they do this" or "did they do that"... However in graphic detail.

 

I get it. What WS's just don't understand.

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If you can, without hurting to much, could you explain this part - what do you mean? Is this a comparison/self esteme issue? Why don't you think this could be had between the two of you?

 

 

I'm going to try to explain it. It's both a comparison and a self-esteem issue I guess. I mean, we all know that certain risky situations can heightened a sexual experience, without being too graphic an example could be say doing it in a public place or even at a funeral- whatever. So to me, it doesn't take too much imagination to know that what he did, and with who and when and where it was (every aspect of the situation)- I am not naive- there must have been so much excitement and intensity there that I can almost guarantee anything I ever do with him will never match the level he's experienced with someone else. That's just way too messed up and irritating to even think about.

Edited by DbleBetrayal
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You are definitely not alone. I'm here at least and I'm relieved (saddened also) that other BSs have similar issues.

It's probably up to us together / alone /coupled to brainstorm some strategies to deal with the endless, horrible movies playing out with apparently no STOP button.

My big strategy is REPLACEMENT. Of everything.

 

D Day

I phoned OW first, asked everything I could think of beforehand. Wrote the questions down but basically she was SO ready to bluuuurrrtt it all out to me. I took over 3 pages of notes.

I'm just a gal that needs to have as much information as possible. I couldn't have left any stone unturned. But basically I knew my WH would lie his a$$ off. So then I asked WH. So much more came out.

 

Long & short: big bosom at the hardware store, DING (yeah I know!) He got her phone number then groomed her for 2 weeks

"Forcing" her into it. Right.

Texting, filming & photos exchanged.

3 acts done in her kitchen, one was kissing. WH thinks "ooops I'm married"

I think he realized she didn't do as well as he got at home.

She's in love and wants to reveal all. Husband panicked.

Bang.

 

Anyhow the movies I had were "kitchen", can't be there comfortably any more. Haven't cleared the fridge out in 6 weeks. WH will have to.

Kissing

OWs specific body part, act.

WHs.

Other things like my nanas lounge (filmed on) was removed asap & my first new lounge purchased. WH paying off.

I'm even having Issues with my underwear, looks, nails, even smells! Any fragrance from before D Day I can't wear or stand.

I've bought different deodorant, shampoo and perfume. So many things have been triggers.

 

The acts they did do play over in my mind. Triggers come from nowhere, anywhere and anytime.

The one thing I know my WH didn't have with her was love. He didn't like her face!

 

Tonight I worked out that if he can say he loves me over and over, looking into my eyes, I can continue with stuff after a close hug if the movies start. He says sorry. Sometimes I cry alot or a little. He says sorry. Sometimes I'm just brazen!

 

WH is slowly taking physical responsibility to help me heal and us bond. He thought there was nothing he could do to ease my pain. That's changing.

It's start / stop / backwards then sometimes forwards.

 

I'm working nearly 24/7 with the focus on myself. I figure this will carry me through in either eventuality. Triggers happen then when he's with me I say BANG and he says sorry. They're more sporadic now. So a decrease is good.

I'm starting back at work in 2 days. I'm gonna wear an elastic band around my wrist to snap if I get a trigger there.

 

Meanwhile I'm replacing so much. Feeling better but still very scarred. Everything's changed.

I hope we can get more strategies over time to help us recover from movies.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

 

I can relate to a whole lot of this. Including the couch triggers, I wanted to pour gasoline all over it and light it up in the house. Replacement strategy worked for me as well, we literally moved states for a couple years. That worked. Until we came back.

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I did one session of IC and I didn't go back, even my psychologist said I was looking into it too much. Well, she made me feel even more alone. Didn't need that. You're right, she doesn't deserve the headspace- but sometimes it just pops up. I'm definitely confident sexually, always have been, hopefully always will be. Emotionally I'm scarred by it though. I don't know. I am afraid what they did, I can't compete- I mean- there must have been very high adrenalin and excitement there that would have been beyond anything I could match- due to the fact that the situation they were in was so f#%ked up. It really messes with my head.

 

It's not a competition. He's with you. He chose you. You won. Remember that.

 

There may have been things they did that you "can't match", but you and he have done things together that "they" couldn't match. If it was all that he wouldn't be reconciling. He, at some point, compared the relationship with her and the relationship with you and came to the conclusion that his relationship with you was preferable.

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This is/was me to a T.

 

"For my WH it was "only" about the sex"

 

^^^^ my WH said "she was only flesh". Honest and sickening at the same time.

 

"...... and during sex for many years I rarely climaxed."

 

^^^^ I've always been multi - orgasmic but lots of kids at home made me 1 O sex mostly for years. Knowledge of my husband's A has made me SO INSANELY self conscious during sex and any other time he's present. Not movies per say but definitely intrusions! I am seeing myself through my husband's eyes like he disapproves of my body. My chest. My self. My clothing. My jewellry. Everything about me. Maybe I'm correct but in R he won't reveal this. It's hard.

The more I go into the next phase of recovery, the less I'm finding I can get sexually aroused by him. Finding it impossible or extremely difficult to O. Like its a ONS or such and he's a stranger.

 

I get it. What WS's just don't understand.

"

 

^^^^ snap.

 

Lion Heart.

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"

 

^^^^ snap.

 

Lion Heart.

 

*I am seeing myself through my husband's eyes like he disapproves of my body. My chest. My self. My clothing. My jewellry. Everything about me. Maybe I'm correct but in R he won't reveal this. It's hard.

 

This exactly.

 

There was or has been R for us as he felt he confessed he is good. "The truth has set him free"

 

I think I obsessed about these things because it WAS just about the sex and it was so easy for him to lose his hibition (urban dictionary definition, I'm thinking opposite of inhibitions). So I internalized that it MUST be me. How I dressed, what I looked like, my scent...ect being that conscious in bed makes it very difficult to be aroused. I could still have sex, I would just "endure" the moment. Many times I would get up to wash up and sit in the bathroom bawling. It was a dark, dark time in my life. I endured alone and scared. I never rocked the boat in fear he either would just simply be tired of me (or my self loathing, obsessive or nagging behavior that I won't let it go or just get over it because... "it was only sex).

 

I was very young, nieve and a Mother.

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Oberfeldwebel

Don't worry about percentages, the fact that 80% of woman would feel a certain way is irrelevant. You are justified to feel however you feel in this situation. Some people quickly get over these feelings while other never do. This doesn't make either right or wrong, it just is how you feel. I believe that you need individual counseling to deal with this situation, before you work on relationship issues. Your husband needs to know that this is going to take time to heal. You may also desire to consult with an attorney to determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but you should know your legal rights. Finally you are going to go through a myriad of emotions, sometimes all in the same day. Best of luck to you and your family.

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gettingstronger

For me it isn't the sex but the build up- in my mind I kept thinking-how can a marriage compare to the excitement of an affair- it drove me mad-she would fly out to meet him on his business trips- I mean really, that must have been so exciting-the anticipation, a hotel room and expense account, no worries about kids, etc... how could our marriage ever measure up to that-

 

One night I was sobbing about it and my husband said- you know, at the time it was exciting and it really did boost my ego, but now when I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach, I have no positive thoughts at all about my affair, only guilt, remorse and a huge amount of shame-

 

Have you talked to your husband about it at all? What does he say?

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I can tell you one thing I learned in IC that helped. You can't control when or how often you will trigger and be thrown into a mind movie. You can control how long you let that movie run.

 

I learned that I was letting the movie run, willingly. I learned I was doing that bc I was still in fear of a repeat of the past bad behavior of my WS. Letting the movie run is a way to protect yourself, to ensure you are hyper vigilant.

 

If you are no longer in danger, if you no longer need to be hyper vigilant, then try stopping the movie as soon as you realise it has started. Don't give yourself permission to let it roll. Unless it serves some purpose.

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I'm going to try to explain it. It's both a comparison and a self-esteem issue I guess. I mean, we all know that certain risky situations can heightened a sexual experience, without being too graphic an example could be say doing it in a public place or even at a funeral- whatever. So to me, it doesn't take too much imagination to know that what he did, and with who and when and where it was (every aspect of the situation)- I am not naive- there must have been so much excitement and intensity there that I can almost guarantee anything I ever do with him will never match the level he's experienced with someone else. That's just way too messed up and irritating to even think about.

 

I think (men - women - BS's in general) can get into the comparison/self esteem issues over the affair sex. On this board there a several "categories" of this pain for BS's and this can include - the AP's body parts, age, looks, sexual acts given/received, x factor/connection, freedom from roles as spouse/parent/marriage, and of course what you seem to be indicating above - which is kind of the elicit or risky element which heightens sex in affairs. New strange and illicit/dangerous.

 

If this is the case (the illicitness of it ) I believe it is not "inherent" in the AP, that is it is the situation and not the person. Your not comparing yourself to AP but to the situation. If you get my drift. Recently, and out of the blue, my wife requested a mild form of exhibition sex (public sex) at night out of a hotel window. It was hot, very hot. I am glad she opened herself up with me (finally) to share this fantasy. But I also realized she chose to create this situation with me - but it could have easily (and perhaps would be easier) with someone not her husband. None the less it can be created in a marriage with the right effort. I think maybe ? you could also find this with your husband if this is what your hurting on - the situational aspect of his affair.

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