Am I unreasonable

[jayinblue]

Hi All,

 

So I am in a long term relationship (2 years) and recently discovered I got massively lied to by my girlfriend. I was looking through her email and learned that 6 months ago, an ex boyfriend dropped by her house, allegedly drunk, she helped him to the car, and somehow lost her phone in the process. The emails show that she asked him back over the next day to help look for the missing phone, she criticized him on where to park his car (as the neighbors apparently hate him) and then when he offered to come back and help her look for the phone, she told him to wait so she could make sure I had gone to work.

 

I confronted, she initially denied, and then offered shifting explanations after I confirmed I knew what happened in the email. So far, she is outright denying that there was any physical contact. I have asked her for cell phone records from 3 months before this night and up to the present to verify her story. Am I wrong?

 

There are some complicating factors here, she has BPD and also has two kids whom I love very much and have grown attached to. I am just torn apart. Her kids keep asking me to "come back" but I keep telling them that I love them very much and they can always contact me. But at this point, I don't know what else to do...

 

She is now telling me she "won't be treated like a criminal" and wants to work on making me happy. She also tells me she doesn't want to look into the past. I have told her that its phone records or we are done.

 

Am I being too harsh?

[autumnnight]

Seems to me she would just let you see them if there's nothing to hide. I am not saying there is, but I don't understand why she is so resistant.

[jbrent890]

C'mon dude. The fact that she has BPD should tell you everything you need to know. People with that disorder are natural liars and can't help it. Also, she is gas lighting the crap out of you. If letting you see the records helps assuage the situation, then I don't understand why she won't do it?

[BetrayedH]

Seems to me she would just let you see them if there's nothing to hide. I am not saying there is, but I don't understand why she is so resistant.

 

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

If I were caught lying about trying to hide that I had an exgirlfriend over, I'd welcome the opportunity to prove myself innocent.

 

Stick to your guns, dude.

[whichwayisup]

I was looking through her email and learned that 6 months ago, an ex boyfriend dropped by her house, allegedly drunk, she helped him to the car, and somehow lost her phone in the process. The emails show that she asked him back over the next day to help look for the missing phone, she criticized him on where to park his car (as the neighbors apparently hate him) and then when he offered to come back and help her look for the phone, she told him to wait so she could make sure I had gone to work.

 

 

Did you ask her why she lied to you about it from the get go? Did she think you'd freak out if she told you what happened? Why would she help him to his car if he was drunk? Did he drive home wasted? Why would she tell him to wait until you went back to work. Doesn't she see this cover up and telling him not to come while you were still there makes it worse and makes her look guilty? Even if nothing happened, why lie? That's what you need to get her to open up about.

 

How often do they keep in touch? Find it odd than ex bf from 2 years ago would just show up at her place, drunk.

[Mal78]

Ya... this is a tough one, however you have to do what is best for the situation and yourself. I liked how you handled the kids aspect, you grew fond of them and them of you. There is nothing wrong with them still being able to communicate with you on neutral grounds.

 

As for her, if she confessed her truth whatever that may be do you see yourself forgiving her? If yes, then perhaps say: "Fine, I don't need to see your past phone bills/records however I need honesty and transparency starting now".

 

Honestly though, go with your intuition. Clearly she isn't being forthright. She is lying or she is trickle truth in. Either way "you" have to decide if it's a deal breaker.

 

Good luck!

[jayinblue]

Thanks guys. I'm sticking by my guns regardless. But man this is hard and depressing. She keeps fighting me on it. Saying okay going forward, not going back, denies anything and seems no remorse.

[BeatsByDirk]

Stick to your guns, my wife has BPD, it's a never ending uphill battle. There are points where you can gather all your courage and say as long as this moving forward and I can do it and then this doesn't happen and now you have to revisit where the line is. Always gonna push the line always gonna shirk responsibility.

 

You've drawn a line, don't cross it or you'll keep drawing lines ahead to try and not cross until you get yanked across it against your will.

 

Sorry about the kids, you can't save them though they aren't kittens.

[aliveagain]

It's simple, all she has to do is show you the records and this impasse is over. If your wrong you'll kiss her a$$ and do all the laundry for the next year. I think you caught her and she knows it and this is why she's sticking to this I won't be treated like a criminal crap. Do not back down. Offer to take a polygraph with her so you can both prove your fidelity, if she refuses that too, you have a real problem and it has nothing to do with being treated like a criminal.

[jayinblue]

Thanks Beats. How is it being married to someone with BPD. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but it's like pushing a boulder uphill. I didn't do anything wrong, it's not that bad, you did something bad once too, etc... I think it's the lack of feeling or understanding that's the worst.

 

And she still fighting me on this. Says open now going forward, not going back. All seems like a bad sign to me.

[aliveagain]

Thanks Beats. How is it being married to someone with BPD. I feel like I'm trying so hard, but it's like pushing a boulder uphill. I didn't do anything wrong, it's not that bad, you did something bad once too, etc... I think it's the lack of feeling or understanding that's the worst.

 

And she still fighting me on this. Says open now going forward, not going back. All seems like a bad sign to me.

 

She's the one with hidden emails, it's not up to you to prove her guilt, the emails already do that. It's up to her to prove her innocence if your relationship means something to her. There is no do over.

[Spark1111]

unreasonable? Hardly!

 

think about it....If you were accused of something you did not do, wouldn't you pull out ALL the stops to prove your innocence?

 

THAT's what innocent people do!

 

If she won't hand over the cell phone records, what is she hiding?

 

that's the way reasonable people think! Like BH said, those with nothing to hide, hide nothing! they willingly hand over all that proves they are innocent. It's NEVER an issue....

 

If you love someone, you REALLY want to reassure them....that IS, IF you have nothing to hide.

[jayinblue]

Thanks Spark. My thought too. I just got the email which says to "demand me records is not who I am." Says that being ordered to supply records will cause her to resent me and the relationship. She says that she will agree to open lines of communication going forward, and that she has given me no reason to to trust her. She now says she has run into her ex boyfriend and "he is always polite." Says she won't be married to or committed to someone that orders something that feels violating.

 

So think we are toast. I kind of knew that she would go this way. A person who has nothing to hide hides nothing. . I hope I am not making a mistake,but don't think I am being unreasonable here.

[BeatsByDirk]

How is it being married to someone with BPD?

 

She's a great person and tries very hard to be diligent with her medication and weekly IC. That was the only reason I'm on this adventure with her, she takes full responsibility for her illness but it's still really hard. Luckily for me she can't lie, it drives her crazy to keep a secret.

I'm expecting to deal with infidelity, drug addiction, hospitalization, or suicide at some point in a somewhat distant future. You have to be prepared to not be successful.

When the meds are good and health is good life is good. Pregnancy was horrible!!!

I shoulder the load for all big events, there is typically a breakdown(Christmas, our wedding, moving, birthday parties, etc).

She is a dynamo at work though and good partner if you're down to get unconventional.

I don't know I could make the choice to do it again but I'm not unhappy.

[aliveagain]

Thanks Spark. My thought too. I just got the email which says to "demand me records is not who I am." Says that being ordered to supply records will cause her to resent me and the relationship. She says that she will agree to open lines of communication going forward, and that she has given me no reason to to trust her. She now says she has run into her ex boyfriend and "he is always polite." Says she won't be married to or committed to someone that orders something that feels violating.

 

So think we are toast. I kind of knew that she would go this way. A person who has nothing to hide hides nothing. . I hope I am not making a mistake,but don't think I am being unreasonable here.

 

Is this the same girlfriend that went to a winery with an old boyfriend when you were scheduled to be out of town than stood you up on a dinner date to hang out with him? She is showing you who she really is and I don't think one man will ever be enough for her. I think your dogging a bullet. You drew your line in the sand, don't move the line, hold your ground.

[lolablue17]

Thanks Spark. My thought too. I just got the email which says to "demand me records is not who I am." Says that being ordered to supply records will cause her to resent me and the relationship. She says that she will agree to open lines of communication going forward, and that she has given me no reason to to trust her. She now says she has run into her ex boyfriend and "he is always polite." Says she won't be married to or committed to someone that orders something that feels violating.

 

The fact that she's a liar and her words mean nothing, well, this is something I understand you're willing to live with (I wouldn't). A liar does not mean automatically a cheater. This is her... a liar.

 

But I'll tell you what is real the problem... She's too busy marketing her lies. She adopts a whole theatre scenario including threats, odd declarations, and stupid attitudes, just to avoid telling you the truth.

 

I think it's in her nature to behave like that, even if the truth is not so incriminating.

 

I agree with her that R shouldn't contain ultimatums and demands, but it shouldn't contain lies.

 

So tell her that the deal is- one ultimatum for each lie.

Edited January 24, 2015 by lolablue17

[oldshirt]

I'm going to take a little different spin here. This is a single woman and you are a single man. You can each choose who and when and how to date. You can each come and go as you please.

 

She has no obligation to hand over any of her personal records to you.

 

And you have no obligation to her or her children if you think she is a cheating ho.

 

She may be nice and sweet when things are going fine and she may give killer BJs. But she has a personality disorder and drunk, deadbeat BFs that come around at night when she tells them you aren't there....and then she lies and covers it up.

 

Frankly, as a single woman, she has the right to boff whatever drunk guy she wants. And you have the right to walk away and not look back.

 

It's better to find out all this now rather than after you are married, have mortgage and car payments and have children together.

 

This is why we date. It's so we get to know people and find out things like this about them before we make commitments with them.

[No Limit]

Feeling very sorry for the kids, but when mothers have BPD there's no hope anyway. Cut all ties to her, she cheated for sure and who knows about how many cases you don't know about.

[spanz1]

the story of hers almost makes sense. she did leave something in his car...her panties. and she wanted him to come back with them the next day. just sayin

[harrybrown]

So good that you are not married to her.

 

Keep with your rules.

 

She did something that she is hiding. If she won't give you copies of her records and be transparent, she will not ever agree to show you she does not have stds from her meeting with the OM while you were gone.

 

As hard as it is now to walk, it would so much worse if you were married , had to get D and pay alimony, child support and the property settlement.

 

She has chosen the past over you. You do not need this additional problem.

 

Life is short, time to move on. She clearly has made this so much worse.

 

If she just had to worry about some emails, but she is worried about something much worse.

[autumnnight]

She is trying to make you feel guilty.

 

She is behaving like a victim.

 

She is doing that all or nothing BPD thing.

 

She is promising complete honesty "going forward", which she thinks will be enough of a gift to make you forget why she doesn't want it to be retroactive.

 

I disagree strongly that moms who have BPD means children have no hope (stigma much???), but everything she is doing with you is the classic damage control that someone who has lied does.

[Spectre]

I'm going to take a little different spin here. This is a single woman and you are a single man. You can each choose who and when and how to date. You can each come and go as you please.

 

She has no obligation to hand over any of her personal records to you.

 

And you have no obligation to her or her children if you think she is a cheating ho.

 

She may be nice and sweet when things are going fine and she may give killer BJs. But she has a personality disorder and drunk, deadbeat BFs that come around at night when she tells them you aren't there....and then she lies and covers it up.

 

Frankly, as a single woman, she has the right to boff whatever drunk guy she wants. And you have the right to walk away and not look back.

 

It's better to find out all this now rather than after you are married, have mortgage and car payments and have children together.

 

This is why we date. It's so we get to know people and find out things like this about them before we make commitments with them.

 

I just have to ask if you actually read the thread. If you read the thread then I have to ask..are you insane? Why are you talking about her rights as a "single woman" ? The OP says in the very first sentence they have been together for 2 years.

 

You seem awfully confused about how relationships work. It does not go "either you are married or you are single". You can not be single while at the same time not being married, it's called being in a relationship. This was for 2 years he said, not 2 weeks.

 

I'm honestly baffled, this isn't just a "different spin" on things.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Spectre

[Realist3]

I just have to ask if you actually read the thread. If you read the thread then I have to ask..are you insane? Why are you talking about her rights as a "single woman" ? The OP says in the very first sentence they have been together for 2 years.

 

You seem awfully confused about how relationships work. It does not go "either you are married or you are single". You can not be single while at the same time not being married, it's called being in a relationship. This was for 2 years he said, not 2 weeks.

 

I'm honestly baffled, this isn't just a "different spin" on things.

 

His points make perfect sense. They aren't engaged, married, or sharing financial responsibilities together... they are dating.

 

There was no excusing her behavior, he was saying she is showing him who she is; people always do. His decision isn't about demanding phone records. His decision is about can he put up with who she is.

 

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

~Maya Angelou

 

Out of principle alone, I'm not sure I would allow my WIFE to have access to my phone records, although there is nothing to see.

 

As to the OP, yes it is highly unreasonable to demand phone records from just a girlfriend.

[badkarma2013]

Hi All,

 

So I am in a long term relationship (2 years) and recently discovered I got massively lied to by my girlfriend. I was looking through her email and learned that 6 months ago, an ex boyfriend dropped by her house, allegedly drunk, she helped him to the car, and somehow lost her phone in the process. The emails show that she asked him back over the next day to help look for the missing phone, she criticized him on where to park his car (as the neighbors apparently hate him) and then when he offered to come back and help her look for the phone, she told him to wait so she could make sure I had gone to work.

 

I confronted, she initially denied, and then offered shifting explanations after I confirmed I knew what happened in the email. So far, she is outright denying that there was any physical contact. I have asked her for cell phone records from 3 months before this night and up to the present to verify her story. Am I wrong?

 

There are some complicating factors here, she has BPD and also has two kids whom I love very much and have grown attached to. I am just torn apart. Her kids keep asking me to "come back" but I keep telling them that I love them very much and they can always contact me. But at this point, I don't know what else to do...

 

She is now telling me she "won't be treated like a criminal" and wants to work on making me happy. She also tells me she doesn't want to look into the past. I have told her that its phone records or we are done.

 

Am I being too harsh?

 

 

****************************************************************

 

To your girlfriend:Me thinks thou dost protest too much!

 

From Realist3.........“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

~Maya Angelou

 

TRUE WORDS...wise to listen...

Edited January 24, 2015 by badkarma2013

[gettingstronger]

You're not being unreasonable at all. If you need to see the phone records to be secure and she needs to withhold on principle than you two should part ways. I have always been an open book to those I am committed to, I don't sneak around, etc.