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Deep love or Am I just a chump?


VeryBrokenMan

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VeryBrokenMan

So another post made me think that loving my wife like I do after what she has done, the way I've treated her like a princess and the way she has treated me makes me a chump.

 

Here is the definition of a chump:

 

a man who, after attracting a member of the opposite sex, acts so wimpy, that the woman loses interest and move onto someone else. Or a man who always ends up as a girl's "friend" rather than her romantic partner.

We celebrated our 31st anniversary just two months before the affair started. I usually compose the text I put in the anniversary card on my office computer then hand write the card. It takes me a couple of hours and it's always from the heart. I've always felt she was worth my time. This is what I wrote:

 

I sometimes think about all the good things that have happened in my life and I always come to the same conclusion, nothing has ever been as good as having you in my life. You make the years seem like days and the bad times seem brighter. The longer we're married the more I realize what a amazing person you are and I wonder how I can be worthy of such a beautiful and special woman that profoundly touches so many people in so many wonderful ways. You have earned my respect and admiration, something only a select few have ever done.

 

And I know deep down that everything I have, everything I’ve done, I owe to your commitment and love. You have a special gift because no one else in this world has ever motivated me like you do. So I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am because of you. Your love gives me courage and my life direction and meaning.

 

I only wish there were more words that would express how deep my love is for you and how grateful I am that you are in my life as I can’t imagine having to live this life without my best friend.

 

I’m looking forward to the next thirty-one years!

 

Happy Anniversary!

It rips me up to re-read this and then think about what she has done.

 

And I know there are going to be guys after reading this that will rip me to shreds for staying this long. But you have to know this woman to fully understand and appreciate my commitment to stick it out longer.

 

And I'd really like to hear from the woman here, would you want to be in a relationship like this or am I just too much?

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To me a chump is someone who is being used to provide goods and services to someone in hopes that they will love, honor, respect and desire them in return. However what they really do is just benifit from what the chump has provided while not actually loving, respecting or desiring them from the heart.

 

By my definition, yes, you are the chump here. You have in the past and continue to provide her with a home, resources, status, comfort, love and adoration while she played and had fun with another man she actually desired while you footed the bill and provided her quarter.

 

I don't see how that can be anything other than being played a fool and a chump.

 

What makes you the chump and fool now is she was clearly in love with and still desiring the OM and you are still providing her quarter while she engages in this faux reconciliation.

 

She is with you because he would not take her full time. She said in her own words she would live in a cardboard box to be with him, but he rebuffed her.

 

She is putting on a front to preserve her house, shopping money and lifestyle. Not to preserve her marriage and relationship with you.

 

Your fog and clouds are starting to lift and you are starting to see some tiny cracks of light starting to come through.

 

In time it will clear and you will see.

 

Part of that clarity will be that You will see that you are being taken for a chump.

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I for one will not be ripping you. I thought your note was well thought out and I have not one doubt how you felt about her. I used to get my wife the hallmark versions of what you wrote. On our last anniversary I felt kind of sick getting her one like that again, so a humorous card is what I chose to go with.

 

I am thinking it is just one of the many things that change after an A...

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you're not a chump. It makes me sad that so many of us have been made to feel stupid for being loving, devoted partners. There are plenty of womenwhowould give anything for a guy like you. The person you're with couldn't even manage simple decency. Not sure why that makes *you* wrong.

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My WH has never written anything even remotely close to that and no you are not too much. You just love your wife! I thought it was nice. Be gentle on yourself.

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The answer to your question is that you love your wife and you're a chump.

 

The biggest road block with trying to reconcile with your wife is that she thinks of you as a chump. She's been testing you for years and years and years and you fail every single chump test. You're in a Catch 22 right now because the biggest chump test you've ever faced is deciding whether to stay with your cheating wife. If you let your wife stay, she won't see it as you showing her how much you love her, she'll see it as you solidifying for all time that you are a chump. If you leave your wife, you'll have finally passed a chump test and gain back a little bit of your wife's respect, but of course, what difference does it make after you're gone.

 

That's why I don't believe you have any option but to end things with your wife and move on. I'm usually an advocate for trying to reconcile with a WW, even in really bleak situations, but I don't see any chance with your wife.

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The answer to your question is that you love your wife and you're a chump.

 

The biggest road block with trying to reconcile with your wife is that she thinks of you as a chump. She's been testing you for years and years and years and you fail every single chump test. You're in a Catch 22 right now because the biggest chump test you've ever faced is deciding whether to stay with your cheating wife. If you let your wife stay, she won't see it as you showing her how much you love her, she'll see it as you solidifying for all time that you are a chump. If you leave your wife, you'll have finally passed a chump test and gain back a little bit of your wife's respect, but of course, what difference does it make after you're gone.

 

.

 

This is right on the money. She played you for a chump and the chumpiest thing you can do is let her continue to live off of you after what she has done and how she has treated you.

 

It is a catch 22 of the worst kind. If you put your head in the sand and keep her without repurcussion, she will continue to see you as a chump and will lose even more respect for you. She will know through firsthand experience she can love another and you will do nothing.

 

Women cannot desire men they cannot respect and so she will continue to lose even more attraction and desire for you (which is already nil) and she will be ripe for the Pickens for continued affairs. And you will become the castrated cuckhold that provides her with her purdy dresses and expensive make up and sexy heels so that other men can have them on their shoulders.

 

Only once you grow some balls and stand up for yourself and toss her in the street and turn your back on her and take up with women 10 and 20 years younger than her, will she realize what she had and what she lost. Only then will she respect you.

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....so it doesn't matter if posters here on LS think you are a chump or think your the greatest guy since George Washington. What matters is that she is playing you and treating you like a chump.

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I'm with Oldshirt and the others here who don't believe there will every be full, 100% reconciliation.

 

The wife will continue to milk what she can from her life of luxury as there have been no full repercussions from her actions. That shows her that she can walk all over her husband, regardless of the pain she is causing him.

 

OP, the biggest question really is: How do you see your Golden Years and what steps should be taken to get there?

 

I am one who re-married late in life and I do not believe it is ever too late to start over in finding love that is fulfilling.

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....and it's apparent you have loved her very much and treated her very well and gave her a great life over the years.

 

And for all we know she may have loved you and been a great wife to you for many years.

 

 

....but she betrayed you terribly and she's treating you like dog turds now.

 

People will continue to treat you based on what you allow in the moment. Even though she may have been a good, faithful wife in years past, she's a cheat'n oh now and is trying to get away with it scot-free today.

 

Whether you play the chump now vs whether you stand up for yourself now is what will determine how you come out of this.

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....so it doesn't matter if posters here on LS think you are a chump or think your the greatest guy since George Washington. What matters is that she is playing you and treating you like a chump.

 

You're still defining yourself by her actions, and she treats you like a chump. Stop letting her.

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Friend, she states in her phone conversation with other man that you are obsessed with her, she knew this and took advantage of the information for her own selfish use. Your were in love, you trusted your wife, we all did, she took advantage of that trust, you can't be faulted for that. On the other hand, knowing what you know now about who she really is and doing nothing about it or making the necessary changes to protect yourself and remove infidelity from your life, ya then that would make you a chump. Respect yourself because right now she's not showing you much respect. Make her earn a shot at reconciliation, if her hearts not in it escort her out. She's in 100% or she's out, accept nothing in between.

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Verybroken,

 

Sir, you need to get yourself to a counselor who is skilled with infidelity and co-dependency issues. I'm not saying that you are coD, but you need help. You have about 3 different threads running. You are grasping, blindly, for help. Right now, you are experiencing a crap storm of issues as your world unravels. All understandable, all expected, all normal for someone in your situation.

 

Here is the thing, until you get yourself fixed or at least on somewhat of an even keel, you are not in a position to make any good decision.

 

Let's be real, you put your wife on a pedestal. She jumped the **** off of it. You considered yourself to be lucky and unworthy of her. Here's the thing. She was nothing special, just special to you. Your relationship was nothing special, just special to you. Now, how do you cope with that? The answer is, as best you can.

 

In my reading of posts on this and other boards and in talking to a lot of people that I know were betrayed, I have come to this conclusion: Until you can get to the point where you realize that you don't NEED someone in your life, you can't decide if you WANT them in your life or whether they are good for you.

 

Stop worrying if you will be perceived as a chump or whatever. Some will look at you as a chump and weak. Crying over a lying cheating woman, stand up and be a man, is what they will say. Others will say, fight for your marriage and it takes strength to do that in the face of infidelity. Who cares. You need to be in the right frame of mind to do what is best for you. I strongly support cutting her out of your life, even after 31 years; however, I get why you would not want to cut her out and work it out. Of course, given your list of hurts that one of your threads had, I think that after some serious counseling you might see things my way. But if you don't, good for you.

 

Bottom line, a drowning man panics and makes bad choices. You, sir, are drowning. Straight to a good, experienced counselor you go. That, is the best advice I think that you can get.

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She's in 100% or she's out, accept nothing in between.

 

Probably the most important words in any reconcile or divorce decision.

 

 

 

Unfortunately probably the only way to know if she is sincere is if she is out of the marital home and on her own.

 

If she is out of the house, has full access to the OM if she wants him, and is making her own living on her own and if she still gives her full effort to earn her way back into the marriage, then there is a chance she is legit and sincerely wants to reconcile.

 

Anything else and it's just her trying to feather her nest........with your feathers.

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I maybe the only one that sees it, but you will divorce your wife.

 

When I read your threads they are yelling "I really need to find a reason to stay"

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You're not a chump for loving and trusting your wife and giving her the benefit of the doubt, but soon you will cross that line. If you continue to enable her and allow her to ruin what little life you have left, you'll soon become one.

 

Are you doing the right things? Do you have the papers drawn up? Has she been thrown out of the home? Have you cut off her accounts? Have you exposed her to friends and family? Have you started seeing a therapist? Sorry, I don't have time to read the backstory again, but right now you need to be doing everything you can to set up your new life and get her out of it.

 

If you aren't doing those things, yeah, you're a chump.

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Time to dump her. Seriously, she's been using you all this time. The only difference to her next affair will be that she'll be more careful.

 

Of course, might be very well that this wasn't her first affair either. Did you ever do a polygraph with her?

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VeryBrokenMan, I need to ask you a very serious question - Have you Done anything about this situation yet?

 

By that I mean have you taken any kind of actions in regards to your wife's affair or has it all just been words and talk?

 

 

Have you -

 

 

- seen a lawyer and gathered factual information on what a divorce will look like and what you can reasonably expect to walk away with?

 

 

- drawn up and/or filed any divorce paperwork?

 

 

- had her leave the marital home?

 

 

- confronted the OM?

 

 

- informed the OM's wife?

 

 

- informed your family or your WW's family? your children?

 

 

-Had her examined for STDs and seen hardcopies of the results?

 

 

- Scheduled and attended any MC sessions.

 

 

- Changed any of the credit cards, bank accounts, vehicle titles, stock portfolios etc etc etc? Have you don't anything to restrict her cash flow so that you are not funding her affair?

 

 

- called her an unsavory name?

 

 

In other words have you lifted a single finger to address this situation in any way other than words coming out of your mouth?

 

 

This is very important for we are our actions and behavior and not our words, thoughts or feelings.

 

 

What have you actually DONE since finding out about the affair?

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Many (most) men with dependent wives live financially better after divorce. Even with alimony and child support.

 

Many (most) men find a happier life less emotionally draining life after divorce.

 

She fits a profile of an entitled spouse.

 

Speak with a lawyer. You can bet she has. Maybe that is why she is wanting to stay?

 

Get your life facts straight.

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gettingstronger

You're still reeling from the shock. You need a counselor to help you sort this out. You are a good person in a bad situation. You don't need to make any decisions right now. You need help to get through the shock phase. Please seek help to take care of you.

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Mycatsnuggles

VBM ~ your not a chump. Your a man with 31years invested in another person. That's not to be taken lightly. Children, future grandchildren, holidays, remind your wife she is at threat to lose all those things. It's not money and finances she will value, family means so much more especially as we grow older.

 

Go slowly, put separation on the table when your ready and mean it. When I truly thought I would lose my husband I fought back and won his love. The thought of HIM walking woke me up.

 

Ultimately the thought of losing him made me realize what I had. Not money or security. It was his love I wanted.

 

Be kind to yourself. Do something nice with the kids without her. For me that was a peek into a future I didn't want.

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VBM ~ your not a chump. Your a man with 31years invested in another person. That's not to be taken lightly. Children, future grandchildren, holidays, remind your wife she is at threat to lose all those things. It's not money and finances she will value, family means so much more especially as we grow older.

 

Go slowly, put separation on the table when your ready and mean it. When I truly thought I would lose my husband I fought back and won his love. The thought of HIM walking woke me up.

 

Ultimately the thought of losing him made me realize what I had. Not money or security. It was his love I wanted.

 

Be kind to yourself. Do something nice with the kids without her. For me that was a peek into a future I didn't want.

 

You can't compare your situation with his wife's. I may be wrong, but judging by your previous posts and your reluctance to confess to your husband, I doubt he knows the full extent of your affair and how you felt about him during it. VBM has something has something most BSs would kill for, he actually knows how his wife feels about him. That exchange between his wife and her AP should be all he needs to walk and see that this isn't fixable. I think many Rs wouldn't have taken place if the BS honestly knew how the WS felt about them during their affairs. Please don't take offense to this, but I would have ran away from the marriage faster than Barry Allen if my wife said the things you and his wife said.

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That's such a thoughtful, heartfelt letter to write, especially after so long being married. What I am curious to know is, what did she do to deserve those sorts of letters? She must have been doing something right. Or was it a "treat 'em mean keep 'em keen situation" on her behalf, and it worked on you to a degree? Because in anther thread you wrote a list of how crappy she treated you. Do you think you wrote that anniversary letter because maybe you felt subconsciously or not, that she was drifting away, and that maybe she needed to know these things to bring her closer to you? I don't think you're a chump, I think maybe you were really hurt by her emotional abuse and manipulation and tried really hard to gain her attention and affection. But the more effort and care you put in, the more she used you. So she went mad with power. People like that are why the world is so screwed up.

 

Anyway, back to my original question. What did she do for you to deserve all these kind words? Do you really believe what you wrote about her in it, or do you think maybe you over did it in an attempt to fix something you felt was drifting away (her)?

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VBM,

 

Find your center, your core.

 

Love yourself.

 

How would you react if your son or daughter were married to someone like your wife? If they were treated by a spouse the way your wife has treated you?

 

Would you tell them, "No big deal! Everyone makes mistakes. Get over it."

 

Or, would you say, "You deserve to be loved, honored, and cherished and if your spouse cheats - he/she doesn't deserve you!"

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