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I think my husband is cheating on me with men


NowhereGood

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A brief back story:

I found out he was a cross dresser (which he hid from me) the first year we were married. He admitted this when I confronted him. He knows I don't approve of it, and has since never done it in front of me.

I knew before the marriage that he had had sex with a man once before.

I am the first woman he's ever been with (I believe him when he says it).

He likes anal sex, with him being the "bottom". We have experimented with toys in the past.

He has lied to me and tried to keep things hidden from me in the past, such as telling me he quit smoking when he didn't, and telling me he paid off his car, when he didn't.

I know that when I leave the house for a week on business (which I have done several times), that he is cross dressing. I come home and he has always shaved his beard and all of his body hair off, so I know what he's been up to.

Recently when I returned from a trip, I found an enema box hidden in the bathroom. I know that he has used them in the past, especially before we have sex with the toys, but we haven't used any toys in a while.

I searched his drawers and found more toys and lube (that I have never seen before) and a box of unopened condoms.

We never used condoms because they are all too small (I'm not kidding), so I was on the pill for a while. I recently got off it to try something else.

My gut feeling is that he is cheating on me with another man, because of the box of condoms (which he would never be wearing himself).

I don't know what to do, or how to confront him, since I have no actual proof, just hunches and suspicion.

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Hire a PI and have him followed so you don't have to keep stressing yourself out trying to figure things out on your own.

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I think it's pretty obvious that the two of you need to sit down and have some open and honest communication. Withhold judgement and anger if at all possible for as long as you can. If he feels attacked, he's not going to come completely clean...and that won't be good for either of you. Also, he's probably either on the confused side or is just finally approaching realization.

 

Keep in mind, that you knew he had sex with a man before you and that you found out about the cross-dressing during your first year of marriage so it's not like you weren't slightly forewarned.

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Hire a PI and have him followed so you don't have to keep stressing yourself out trying to figure things out on your own.

 

If you're going out of town anytime soon, I agree with the PI route.

 

Otherwise, I'd recommend a very thorough sweep of his phone and computer. If he's cheating, he's making arrangements somehow.

 

Confronting very very rarely serves any purpose except to notify them that they've got to hide their tracks better.

 

I also understand the need for hard proof. Whatever decisions you're going to make need to be ones you can be confident about for a lifetime. And unfortunately, trusting the word of a liar (even if he "came clean") wouldn't likely give you that confidence because cheaters almost always "trickle truth," meaning that they only tell you what you already know (and maybe one bit more to make you think that now you know everything).

 

Quietly go into investigative mode and find out whatever you can so you can make an informed decision.

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Fake an out of towner and have a look for yourself. Your relationship is complicated to say the least. Don't see how a f2f is going to help if in the past he simply tells you what he thinks you want to hear on smaller matters, this biggy is more likely to be dishonest.

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One thing I learnt from LS.

You do not need evidence to prove it to him, you only need to prove it to yourself. It is only you, you need to convince.

If he is having sex with other men/women, then your health may be at risk too.

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One thing I learnt from LS.

You do not need evidence to prove it to him, you only need to prove it to yourself. It is only you, you need to convince.

If he is having sex with other men/women, then your health may be at risk too.

 

Agreed. I meant to also say that you should stop having sex with him and get checked for STDs. Make up a "female" problem it you need to.

 

And elaine is right. You don't need to prove to him that he's cheating; he already knows. You just need to prove it to yourself. Perhaps more importantly though, you need to give a lot of thought to what you will fo once you do find proof. You need a plan and you need to commit to sticking to it. That's difficult to do once he starts to cry, beg, make promises - you end up on an emotional rollercoaster. Unfortunately, their "remorse" is too frequently feigned and just a form of damage control and at the same time, you'll be tempted to "forgive" when that's really a form of damage control for you.

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gettingstronger

I would just talk to him about what you have found- my neighbors are a gay married couple, both previously married to women, both with kids- they both have said when it finally all came out they were relieved- they loved their wives but knew in their hearts they were gay, not bi-sexual-

 

I think people still struggle with coming out no matter how accepted it is these days- I believe you two love each other so you owe it to each other to be as open and honest as possible-

 

You need to make a decision on what is acceptable to you- since cross dressing is out, I am assuming staying married to a man that wants to have sex on the side with men is out as well-

 

Stay true to who you are and what you want from your life- he will have many struggles ahead, but so will you- do not allow his struggles to trump what is best for you-

 

Good luck-

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He has gay tendencies. These feelings will not go away, but instead will only grow stronger if he is pressured to closet those feelings.

 

If he cannot openly be who he is, then you both need to be upfront and honest about what's really going on.

 

You don't need a PI. You know already all you need to know. He is a cross dresser and likes to have sex with men. This won't change no matter how much you protest.

 

Now, what to do? Accept him for who he is or let him go.

 

Sorry, for being so blunt. You are trying to fit a circle into a square peg. Not gonna happen.

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I disagree with the 'hire a PI' route. I think this is sit down adult conversation time. This is a sexuality issue. You may be married to a gay or bisexual man. You must ask him to be completely honest. Maybe he needs a beard, but clearly he can't be happy if his sexual needs can only really be met by a man.

 

I would say you did go into this marriage with your eyes open. Maybe you need to decide if you want to stay in this marriage and turn a blind eye. Sooner or later though, he may decide that he can't live a lie any more and just wants a man.

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How long are you married? Any kids? How was the sex between you two? Haven't you often felt neglected in bed?

 

Use protection during sex, it will stop baby making too.

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This is not a "gay" issue. This is about infidelity, lies and deceit.

 

I have read some suggest you have a gentle discussion and perhaps decide if you will except him for who he is...ect

 

BS. If this *married* man had an A with a woman would people suggest that she decide if she will except him for who he is... a cheater?

 

Regardless of sexual orientation he made a commitment to you. He is a grown man, if these feelings were growing he should have expressed them with you, his wife. Find what you need to confront him and go from there. This may be R or D.

 

You have made a valiant effort to try to please him in the bedroom, participated/accomidated in his sexual needs. If he still wasn't satisfied he needed to express that.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find what you need and have peace.

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This is a gay issue...

 

One can cheat and never cheat again, bc marital issues can be resolved.

 

He wants to have sex with men because he is homosexual. The only way to resolve those feelings is to accept his gayness and need for male companionship in the bedroom.

 

Totally a gay issue. She married to a gay man. I'd say that's a pretty big gay issue.

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Stay true to who you are and what you want from your life- he will have many struggles ahead, but so will you- do not allow his struggles to trump what is best for you-

 

Good luck-

 

^^^^ This^^^^

 

OP

You have been exceptionally tolerant here, but the lies have still kept building up - He cannot even tell you the truth about his smoking or his financial affairs and that doesn't bode well really.

Now, there is a big sexual issue in your marriage and I guess he will not tell you any truths about that either.

You have to weigh up whether you can stay married to a lying man and that is a big ask actually.

Many people live in marriages that tolerate "odd" sexual behaviours, but there is an added complication here.

Being unable to trust someone to tell you the truth re their issues, will eat away at you.

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I will never understand why people fear communication so much.

 

When you found the enema box, the new toys, the lube and condoms, you should have, right then and there, opened up a line of communication...even a "Yo, what's up with all this stuff, dude?"

 

Forget the cheating, cross-dressing and homosexuality for a moment...what kind of marriage can you have without open and honest communication? If you don't have that now, why are you worried about your marriage in terms of the other things? You should have worried about the marriage when you chose to participate in a relationship without communication.

 

All of this PI crap is just crap. No offense to PI's...they come in handy when there's a crime to solve.

 

If you can't sit down and talk to the man you are married to about whatever it is you need to talk to him about, there's no real marriage and you need to get out anyway, no matter what the circumstances.

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Rejected Rosebud

 

You don't need a PI. You know already all you need to know. He is a cross dresser and likes to have sex with men. This won't change no matter how much you protest.

 

Now, what to do? Accept him for who he is or let him go.

 

I agree with this! The whole "PI" thing is kind of over the top when it seems the two of you haven't even had an honest heart to heart talk about this. Op I am sorry :( but it seems like you have chosen to be in denial about your husband … it's time to get real. The whole cross dressing/ gay thing you seem to have accepted if it's out of your sigh which isn't really accepting at all! On the other hand cheating is cheating and unless you have an open relationship it's not OK plus if he's not wearing condoms he is really putting you at terrible risk.
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Yes, it seems overwhelmingly likely that he is gay and cheating on you with men, and that if you ask about it, he'll lie just like he has lied about lower stakes issues before.

 

At this point, I'd be suggesting divorce. I've only ever heard of one case of a woman satisfied with her marriage to a gay man.

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"GET OUT NOW"

 

I was in a relationship for 6 years and it turned out my ex was having sex with men. If you are a straight woman who wants to be with a straight man and disapprove of the behaviour leave now! I stayed with my ex for so long because I was young and messed up from it all but after finding more evidence and having him deny it, That was that. I despise liars! I am so against lying and cheating because of the disease it can spread. I feel like he basically threatened my life! If your husband is cheating and not telling you, He could be threatening your life! Sounds drastic but it's the truth unless you don't mind STD's.

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Yes, STDs can be merely be a nuisance, or they can be life threatening, but they can also ruin female fertility and for a women of child bearing years, who may see herself as a mother one day, that fact needs to be taken very seriously.

 

it has been reported that as many as one quarter of all infertility cases are caused by a previous STD.

How STD?s Can Affect Your Fertility

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A brief back story:

I found out he was a cross dresser (which he hid from me) the first year we were married. He admitted this when I confronted him. He knows I don't approve of it, and has since never done it in front of me.

I knew before the marriage that he had had sex with a man once before.

I am the first woman he's ever been with (I believe him when he says it).

He likes anal sex, with him being the "bottom". We have experimented with toys in the past.

He has lied to me and tried to keep things hidden from me in the past, such as telling me he quit smoking when he didn't, and telling me he paid off his car, when he didn't.

I know that when I leave the house for a week on business (which I have done several times), that he is cross dressing. I come home and he has always shaved his beard and all of his body hair off, so I know what he's been up to.

Recently when I returned from a trip, I found an enema box hidden in the bathroom. I know that he has used them in the past, especially before we have sex with the toys, but we haven't used any toys in a while.

I searched his drawers and found more toys and lube (that I have never seen before) and a box of unopened condoms.

We never used condoms because they are all too small (I'm not kidding), so I was on the pill for a while. I recently got off it to try something else.

My gut feeling is that he is cheating on me with another man, because of the box of condoms (which he would never be wearing himself).

I don't know what to do, or how to confront him, since I have no actual proof, just hunches and suspicion.

 

 

Would this be a deal breaker for you if you were able to confirm that he has been sexually active with another man?

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I beg to differ with the the chorus of, 'He's gay!'. Most CD are actually heterosexual men with a fetish. However, considering he's had sex with men, your H sounds more likely to be bi. But you'll never know where he is on the spectrum unless you check it out.

 

There are many types of CD. Is it to derive sexual pleasure, is it for pure expression, is it part of a submission fantasy, etc? You'll never know unless you check it out.

 

As for condoms, it's actually advised to use use condoms on toys that are used anally if they are also going to be used elsewhere. If he were to be experimenting with your toys for example, it's actually the responsible thing to do to use a condom to stave off cross contamination. Or... You could be right and he has them planning to have sex with men. But again, you'll never know unless you check it out.

 

One thing for sure is that if his urges are strong enough, and you're not willing to at least try to understand them, odds are he will find an outlet of some sort somewhere else. And yes, that may be via cheating. Which of course is manifestly wrong. But in the face of shame and rejection by a loved one of an integral facet of himself, he may FEEL that this is the only course of action he has in the absence of being able to share and find acceptance. Sometimes, all that's really needed to stave that off is love and acceptance of that side of the CD. But... Yep you guessed it, you'll never know unless you check it out.

 

There are multiple CD boards on the interwebs, and a common thread is bemoaning the fact that a loved SO is unable to embrace the whole of them. It is something many CDs yearn for.

 

Maybe some good quality sex therapy is in order for you as a couple to explore what's going on in the first instance? Once you understand, you should be far better placed to decide your next steps regarding the relationship; which of course includes calling it quits if your sexuality/relationship needs are incompatible.

 

I agree with the others that the continual lying is an issue that also needs to be addressed. So a sex therapist with relationship counselling quals would be able to help you explore the relationship holistically.

 

But you won't be able to get to that point without a serious and open conversation.

 

Good luck!

Edited by SolG
Gramar
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You've got no chance if he really wants to be with a man. The sexuality is a huge issue.

If someone has these tendencies and you are fully aware. .....well just think about.

 

All the cross dressers I know of are also gay. I dont think you'll ever be enough for him because you're the wrong sex. Sorry, but the factspoints to this.

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I think it's pretty darn clear that he is gay. Also, he has lied about other things (car being paid off, smoking), and that's probably because he is used to hiding who is he. He's used to pretending to be someone he isn't, so lying comes easy at this point. You've deduced his is cheating, so there is another lie. This situation is sad all the way around. For whatever reason, he never felt he could be open about his sexuality, and that is very sad. I have compassion for him in that regards, but it doesn't give him license to ruin your life in the process.

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Wait on second...Did anyone call her out on him being too big for a condom??? Do people out there really believe it when a guy says this?

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