Mal78 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 During his/her A? My friend happened on her H's text messages as it was connected on their ipad. One night she was playing solitaire and she notice a tab imessages (something like that I'm not an apple user) and his text messages came up. She is the least tech savvy person I know. Only got a smart phone a few months ago and had her prior flip phone for years. She came on some fairly innocent yet suggestive texts between her H and a co-worker. She confronted him ASAP. He denied anything is going on...ect She let it go. Fast forward a month and she tells me she is still questioning, yet how? He goes to all their sons hockey games, they spend lots of time together and the are leaving in 3 weeks on a cruise just the two of them (their kids are 18 and 21). He has become very close with his phone and all this questioning came from a text that rang through at midnight under his pillow, he was sleeping. She woke him when she said she was going to p/u their son at a party and he jumped up out of a dead sleep and volunteered to go instead. Which was strange to her. She has "thoughts" yet, sex is fantastic, they get along great (never argue/fight) and they spend lots of time together. BS's did anyone have a WS who utterly shocked you with their infidelity? I mean, looking back there wasn't the slightest sign? I'm trying to stay neutral. I just want to be a ear, I don't want to lean her either way because I have no idea! I the signs for me point to no. But her intuition is making her guess. Thoughts? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mal78 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 **midnight on New Years. We can't edit anymore :/ Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) There was no missing time with my WH. He would see her on his lunch break. How was I to know he wasn't at Burger King? And we weren't fighting and had great sex too. Edited January 8, 2015 by purplesorrow 3 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 my xwh was always with me,as he had a long distance affair,so when he was at work always on phone with her throughout the day,and when he was at home he said he was on phone for work related stuff which I wasn't suspicious cause his job is very demanding,and the couple times he did see her he had to travel for work and just extended it a day,but what my husband started doing,and this is when I started getting very suspicious is he always had his phone with him never put it down even started sleeping with it under his pillow,thats when I started thinking theres something going on here,and sorry to say I was right 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mal78 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 There was no missing time with my WH. He would see her on his lunch break. How was I to know he wasn't at Burger King? And we weren't fighting and had great sex too. This is what I'm concerned about for her. They are co-workers, she is married with a young child. They easily could make it work for both of them within work hours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mal78 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Share Posted January 8, 2015 my xwh was always with me,as he had a long distance affair,so when he was at work always on phone with her throughout the day,and when he was at home he said he was on phone for work related stuff which I wasn't suspicious cause his job is very demanding,and the couple times he did see her he had to travel for work and just extended it a day,but what my husband started doing,and this is when I started getting very suspicious is he always had his phone with him never put it down even started sleeping with it under his pillow,thats when I started thinking theres something going on here,and sorry to say I was right I keep my phone under my pillow too. I am not having an affair however I do leave my phone out freely. She does check under his pillow if he gets out of bed for any reason. It is hit or miss weather or not it's there. He has a pass code on his phone. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 She's been given a few signs, so she certainly can't say she was 'blindsided' when she eventually finds out about his 'friendship' with the coworker. I can't imagine sleeping with my phone under my pillow. I mean, what is he, the President of the United States or something? Is he really THAT important? I couldn't imagine my husband suddenly being connected to his phone 24/7 and sleeping with it under his pillow. Nor could I imagine him setting a passcode to purposely keep me out of it (I've never picked it up and looked at, though). Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. There are red flags flapping ALL over the place. Her gut is screaming to her for a REASON. She'll eventually find out why. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 Nothing seemed different for me but he was hardly ever at home to begin with. We worked opposite shifts so I rarely saw him. When it was happening, I had no clue. After the fact, when I looked back... all the signs were there. Locking and hiding his phone was a big one but there were MANY other signs I didn't see as they were happening. Other than hiding his phone all the time, are there times when he has down time regularly that she would think he was one place, but he could really be somewhere else? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DbleBetrayal Posted January 8, 2015 Share Posted January 8, 2015 We didn't spend any less time together then usual- however, I did take notice he was always on his phone. I did notice a change in attitude, for example- he was more snappy, and much more arseholish overall. He had tickets on himself bigtime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 WE spent a lot of time together. They only met up a few times, always rushed, in the small gaps between work and home form work. One time I was out of town so they hung out til late at night. But she was still home when I called. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 We weren't getting along at all prior to the A starting, so that didn't change but we were still having sex throughout it. He conducted the A only during work hours so I didn't have any real suspicions. The locked phone thing is a huge red flag in your friends situation IMO. My phone is always unlocked and my Hs as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mal78 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Nothing seemed different for me but he was hardly ever at home to begin with. We worked opposite shifts so I rarely saw him. When it was happening, I had no clue. After the fact, when I looked back... all the signs were there. Locking and hiding his phone was a big one but there were MANY other signs I didn't see as they were happening. Other than hiding his phone all the time, are there times when he has down time regularly that she would think he was one place, but he could really be somewhere else? That is the thing. Things that I recognize that she might not. Ie. Their son's games/practices. He is 18 and drives. Often he drives himself and he meets him there. Plenty of time for a quick meet up and ample time to text/talk during the game/practice. Or His mother is at the beginning stages of dementia. He spends lots of time at her place since they moved her out of her house into assistant living. My thoughts are a) she is now in assistant living why so much and b) he has 3 other siblings that live in the city all who's kids are adults and long gone and 2 that are retired yet he is the *only* one that goes all the time (several times a week). Why? It doesn't seem to bother him and I think she doesn't see it as an issue either. It's just that way. Again, I don't want to be the one planting seeds. Plenty of her friends marriages have ended with As being "the" issue. She talks to them and the project their situation on hers and it it "must" be an A. I don't want to do that to her and frankly she stopped talking to friends like those. The other thing, for a short period after finding the texts she was very emotional and being she is very close to her they picked up on it and she told them everything (not appropriate in my opinion). They were pissed! She made them promise not to say anything but they gave their dad the cold shoulder and the son (18) was emotional because his biggest fear is them breaking up because ALL of his friends parents have divorced. My thoughts are, wouldn't a normal reaction be, "Mom, Dad would never do that... you are being silly". I think their gut/intuition is telling them otherwise. He brings this co-workers name up for various reasons all innocent such as giving him 4 tickets to a family Christmas thing here at a local theme type park. Innocent, yet the kids didn't want to go because "she" gave them to him although they didn’t say that. My friend doesn't know her last name or the spelling of her unique first name. She can't look into it any further (so she feels). Like I said, she is furthest from technically savvy. She doesn't even have Facebook. She said her H doesn't either... but I found out otherwise but EVERYTHING is private. I really don't know how to talk to her about this at all. I just listen and show empathy. I have never told her about my WHs As years ago. I don't want her to think I'm "tainted" in my advice and sympathy for what she is going through. She thinks once they go on their cruise all these thoughts/worries/suspicions will go away. When they go away alone they always connect so well and Sex is mind blowing. Sigh. I really hope it's nothing!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zigoto2 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 We spent evenings and weekends together. We had a good relationship and good sex too. My husband owns a business and I help him part time. We would have lunch together when I was at the office, but I would leave early to pick up the kids from school. He would meet her at lunch time when I wasn't in and for coffee after I had left to pick up the kids. She contracted out to him so when she would call or text, it always seemed work related. I did think it was strange that she would come by the office mostly when I wasn't there and that she wasn't very sociable when there... She's married and has a kid too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Sex with my WS was always mind blowing. Especially during the affair. Even more so, maybe bc WS wanted to make up for what I did not know. WS was getting something other than just sex from the A. I'm sure in the case of your friend, it is not "just nothing." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Why are you keeping secrets from her? You said you know he has a Facebook. She doesn't? I would ask her if she would like your help in finding the truth. Or possibly suggest a p.i. so she doesnt have to play detective. Wayward spouses often say they are going to work but really arent. There are lots of options to self investigate. Voice activated recorders, gps devices. These dont require much if any tech savy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mal78 Posted January 9, 2015 Author Share Posted January 9, 2015 Why are you keeping secrets from her? You said you know he has a Facebook. She doesn't? I would ask her if she would like your help in finding the truth. Or possibly suggest a p.i. so she doesnt have to play detective. Wayward spouses often say they are going to work but really arent. There are lots of options to self investigate. Voice activated recorders, gps devices. These dont require much if any tech savy. You are right. Maybe I will ask her why he has one and she doesn't... Innocent like. I know he is frustrated with her accusations so she feels she just needs to drop it. It only came up today (we talk daily) that she still wonders especially because of the New Years thing. I'm not friends with him. In fact in over 10 years of friendship I've only met him once 4 years ago. I brief encounter at the door. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 My husbands A was while he was on the road with work-no changes at home at all-he did have his phone passcode locked and in hindsight that was the only redflag- Link to post Share on other sites
Dlucio1 Posted January 24, 2015 Share Posted January 24, 2015 The red flag was that my husband was treating me crappy. He had transferred w/i the same job 2 hrs away from home. Rented a room, but came home on the weekends. We fought alot. I thought distance would seem better in that he would miss me. But things got worst. He had so many excuses when I found out. He was stressed, worked to hard, tired, financial problems, made me feel like like i was the bad and awful wife. Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 My h affair came as a complete shock and surprise to me ...before dday I had no clue ...His attitude towards me never changed during his affair ...All through his affair their was never a day that he did not declare his love for me or their was never a night that he was not home. And he was having an 18 month 17 days affair to the day I found out. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Mal78, I noticed that my WH started to become disinterested with me, and then started to act like a grade 1 a-hole. He also started going out every night supposedly to play sports. When I complained he said "They are short of players, you don't want me to let the team down do you", making me feel guilty about questioning him. After 4 months of his $h!££y behaviour and nasty remarks I told him I'd had enough and I didn't intend to spend the next 40 years of my life living with him and his bad moods. I told him that either he left or I would. He begged me not to rock the boat because "he didn't want his parents upset before Christmas". Stupidly I waited. What I didn't know was that he had arranged to meet up with his AP on Christmas Eve to swap presents, when we were staying at his parents' house. The excuse he gave for leaving his parents at 10 o'clock on Christmas Eve was to get in the queue ready for a store opening on Boxing Day for a huge furniture sale! DD came quite soon after Christmas as I caught him out in a lie, not being where he said he was going to be...... divorce papers followed that revelation quite swiftly.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Your friend is SO lucky to have you BUT you must be honest with her. She may not have a faithful husband but you can be a faithful friend. I would expect a brutally honest friend as my sounding board. There were NO SIGNS WHATSOEVER for me, at all! D Day was the biggest shock I've ever had. This was our marraige of 15 years. First 12 years - Long, hard battles with having twins then the next baby soon after. Husband was step father to my teenage daughter (woah!), poverty, husband put us in huge financial debt etc. 12th year I went back to my career against husband's wishes. 13th year light at the end of the tunnel! We could afford food! Even entertainment and a weekend away together FOR THE FIRST TIME. He was happy. I was relieved. We started renovating the house, planning adjustments to it for our old age, and we'd giggle about that. Getting better all the time. Excellent. Fast forward till just before the A. Sipping our drinks in a beautiful holiday spot we planned to book same spot every year in September. I went P/T at work so husband could come home for private slap & tickle while kids were at school. Planned 2 week holiday overseas for all 8 of us in August this year. He got a P/T job on top of his business to take us away more. He bought tickets to bands, romantic dinner out, we stayed in motel and made love so many times. Things were getting better and better. He seemed stressed in the last month but that usually happened when clients wouldn't pay up. I asked him to tell me but he said he could handle it. When I pushed him for info he just said problems with a job. That last month was when he was breaking up with her. He had ended it the 2nd time he saw her at her house and it involved sexual deeds. The 1st time was just her doing a clairvoyant reading for him. (Both parties said that autonomously). Yeah who knows. She went crazy that last month. Phoning and texting 24/7. His phone was on silent at home (usual behavior). D Day, he was cleaning the pool, she threatened "you tell your wife TODAY or I will. I know your address and I'll be there tonight." So he did. I thought THE WORST THING he could do was to have gambled $1000. Never thought he'd be as low as to have an A and risk losing the people he loved most in the world, all his hard work (I'd get 100% house for many reasons) and our bright and very happy future filled with everything we planned. But he did. Sound familiar? As can happen any time. Lion Heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mal78 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Your friend is SO lucky to have you BUT you must be honest with her. She may not have a faithful husband but you can be a faithful friend. I would expect a brutally honest friend as my sounding board. There were NO SIGNS WHATSOEVER for me, at all! D Day was the biggest shock I've ever had. This was our marraige of 15 years. First 12 years - Long, hard battles with having twins then the next baby soon after. Husband was step father to my teenage daughter (woah!), poverty, husband put us in huge financial debt etc. 12th year I went back to my career against husband's wishes. 13th year light at the end of the tunnel! We could afford food! Even entertainment and a weekend away together FOR THE FIRST TIME. He was happy. I was relieved. We started renovating the house, planning adjustments to it for our old age, and we'd giggle about that. Getting better all the time. Excellent. Fast forward till just before the A. Sipping our drinks in a beautiful holiday spot we planned to book same spot every year in September. I went P/T at work so husband could come home for private slap & tickle while kids were at school. Planned 2 week holiday overseas for all 8 of us in August this year. He got a P/T job on top of his business to take us away more. He bought tickets to bands, romantic dinner out, we stayed in motel and made love so many times. Things were getting better and better. He seemed stressed in the last month but that usually happened when clients wouldn't pay up. I asked him to tell me but he said he could handle it. When I pushed him for info he just said problems with a job. That last month was when he was breaking up with her. He had ended it the 2nd time he saw her at her house and it involved sexual deeds. The 1st time was just her doing a clairvoyant reading for him. (Both parties said that autonomously). Yeah who knows. She went crazy that last month. Phoning and texting 24/7. His phone was on silent at home (usual behavior). D Day, he was cleaning the pool, she threatened "you tell your wife TODAY or I will. I know your address and I'll be there tonight." So he did. I thought THE WORST THING he could do was to have gambled $1000. Never thought he'd be as low as to have an A and risk losing the people he loved most in the world, all his hard work (I'd get 100% house for many reasons) and our bright and very happy future filled with everything we planned. But he did. Sound familiar? As can happen any time. Lion Heart. Oh my goodness Lion Heart.... I would say this is sort of parallel to my friend marriage for almost 30 years. I'm the only friend in a long term marriage and she tells me she likes confiding in me because I'm objective and don't just "jump the gun" like her other friends do including her bff of over 40 years. Even their kids whom she is close to assumes the worst of their father which like I mentioned is VERY telling. She has dropped the whole thing but I am pretty sure something is up and either she is ignorant or oblivious. One thing recently she mentioned that he goes to his mother's house a few times a week. He is one of 4 children whom all live close to his Mom yet he is the one that goes all the time. I asked how long he goes and she said a couple of hours (really??why??) Then I asked why she never goes and she said it's "their" time and she usually uses that time to get other things done or shopping. It's not like she is going to call her up to confirm or backup his story of being there. Also, recently he took his mom away for the weekend to the mountains (approx. 1.5 hrs away). I just don't get it, but again I could be DEAD wrong! I was curious because other than that he doesn't skip a beat. They have an amazing sex life and the go on trips together a few times a year. They are leaving in less than a week for a cruise she is ecstatic about. So, she is on cloud nine. I can't burst that bubble with *my* fleeting thoughts. I have seriously thought about being her PI and present her with evidence if any. Especially since he takes off a few hours a few times a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Dlucio1 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Omg LionHeart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 She would see her evidence if she chose to. She doesn't intend to see what's going on. Denial is a great protector. Don't throw more info at her. She won't admit it to herself and you can't make her admit what she chooses to deny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Omg LionHeart. Yes very very sad face Doing R ..... I think.... 6 weeks since D Day. Lion Heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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