How did your friendship turn into an affair?

[starglider]

I'm curious how your friendship turned into an affair. Especially for people who didn't think of themselves as the types who would ever have affairs.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm at risk myself...

 

Never thought of myself as the type to cheat (and haven't had a PA). I've been with my husband 15 years. A sweet man, kind soul, but he's depressed, stalling on taking action over depression, our sex like has suffered, he's irritable with me and our child I believe because of the depression. Despite him not feeling like himself, he cares about my happiness and has integrity and is trying to cope. But we end up arguing a lot over stupid things.

 

I don't think the other man who is "in my heart" now is the cheating type either. He's married, and is a father. He seems like a good person who wants to do the right thing and my sense is he is a friendly guy who has never cheated.

 

We both worked on a project together. I felt special and cared for by him during stress of the work. I was probably an ego boost to him as I lite up in his presence and he seemed masterful in my eyes.

 

No real need to see each other professionally anymore more. But we've extended the encounters, drawn things out, transitioned to being friends a bit. Last time we worked alone together, he was summarizing nice things about our work together and in the end slipped in "and I love you, [insert my name]" in a deliberate, straight forward voice.

 

I wasn't looking at him when he said this, but was staring down at the table. I continued looking down and said it back to him. I think we half-hugged briefly, awkwardly, I was seated and he was standing, and then we finished the work at hand.

 

I was inclined to think this was an infatuation of mine and that it was 95% in my head. Now I'm confused.

 

This forum has mostly helped me steer away from wanting a PA because posters sound so out of control and miserable during the affair fog. Like an addictive episode. I still have time to step back.

 

I feel at peace to know that I'm in his heart too. Just knowing this feels like it could be enough for me and that I could walk away now, but who knows when and if I see him again what would happen. I'd probably pretend nothing happened and just pick up as friends.

[nightmare01]

Starglider.

Sad to say but you are already in and having an affair. An emotional one (EA), but an affair nonetheless.

 

The best thing you can do is to cut all contact with your OM NOW. RIGHT NOW. Send him a short NC letter stating JUST that you love your husband and that your relationship with him (OM) has crossed a boundary and so must end now. Don't go on about your feeling or anything - just say what I wrote above, and nothing more. End contact and your emotional connection NOW.

 

If you do not stop now your affair with your OM WILL turn physical. I have no doubt about that at all. Stop the affair while you can still save your marriage.

[Steen719]

I think the best advice I would give you is to read on here the stories of people who have cheated on their spouses and how it has changed their lives forever. Look at what it has done to their spouse, children, extended families, their friends and in some cases, their work relationships. You can never take it back and the results are often times devastating. For what? Look at the statistics about how many affair partners end up together, read the heartbreaking stories here and as yourself why you are willing to take this chance.

 

Stop this right now before you are in the middle of a heartbreaking divorce and your child is forever changed by it. Help this "sweet, kind soul" and try to make him see what his depression is doing and help him get help.

 

If you don't want to be married, then end the marriage with compassion, dignity and honesty so that both of you and your child can move forward in life with your heads up. Believe me; I know what a divorce like this can do to your kids. My son's relationship with his dad will never be the same.

[Mr. Lucky]

Stop the affair while you can still save your marriage.

 

Agreed though, if honestly examined, damage has already been done.

 

Never thought of myself as the type to cheat (and haven't had a PA). I've been with my husband 15 years. A sweet man, kind soul, but he's depressed, stalling on taking action over depression, our sex like has suffered, he's irritable with me and our child I believe because of the depression. Despite him not feeling like himself, he cares about my happiness and has integrity and is trying to cope. But we end up arguing a lot over stupid things.

 

Perhaps you're looking at it backwards. Some of your husband's feelings or inability to deal with his depression might be a reaction to his sense of your disconnection from the marriage and engagement with this OM. The "stupid" arguments could certainly be a symptom of this.

 

Every long-term relationship faces challenges. How unfortunately ironic your attention is elsewhere when the homefront needs it the most ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Confused48]

Your story sounds very typical. Very. Unfortunately for you.

 

If you have been on LS for any length of time you must know that as bad as you feel now it is NOTHING compared to what heartache and misery you will have in your life if you have an affair. Not just for you but for your BS and your child and your AP and his family. You are on the verge of a very catastrophic event.

 

If you are, as you say, not the kind of person to do this, it will be all the worse for you if you do have an A. I suggest you follow the advice given. Go NC with this guy. For your own and his own best interests. If while you are in NC with him you still want him, get a divorce first. Stay NC till you are single. Then you will still have heart ache over a divorce but at least you will have your self respect and the respect of your family.

[Rainbowlove]

How did your friendship turn into an affair?

 

Innocently. Unsuspecting. Never saw it coming. Work luncheons, turned work coffee, turned work walks, turned work gym dates, turned texting a lot, turned excuses to see each other outside of work, turned obsessive thoughts, turned emotional affair, turned drama, turned NC, turned break NC over and over again, turned confession to emotional affair, turned MC, turned NC, turned break NC, turned moved out, turned PA....

 

Resulting into a lot of broken F'd up people.

 

So many hard days gone by, many hard days to come.

 

Besides damaging marriages, the part that's been most difficult to overcome is the way I now see myself. Trying to forgive myself and like myself has been damn near impossible.

 

If you don't like you, who will? If you don't like you, there's no chance of happiness anywhere. Peace of mind is hard to come by.

 

It's been a year post-affair, I'm slowly coming back to me. It's been the worst 3 years of my life.

 

Take everyone's advice here. I wish I had found LS before not after my affair. Maybe things would have turned out differently for me.

 

You still have a chance to save yourself the heartache, take it.

[Mal78]

I'm curious how your friendship turned into an affair. Especially for people who didn't think of themselves as the types who would ever have affairs.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm at risk myself...

 

Never thought of myself as the type to cheat (and haven't had a PA). I've been with my husband 15 years. A sweet man, kind soul, but he's depressed, stalling on taking action over depression, our sex like has suffered, he's irritable with me and our child I believe because of the depression. Despite him not feeling like himself, he cares about my happiness and has integrity and is trying to cope. But we end up arguing a lot over stupid things.

 

I don't think the other man who is "in my heart" now is the cheating type either. He's married, and is a father. He seems like a good person who wants to do the right thing and my sense is he is a friendly guy who has never cheated.

 

We both worked on a project together. I felt special and cared for by him during stress of the work. I was probably an ego boost to him as I lite up in his presence and he seemed masterful in my eyes.

 

No real need to see each other professionally anymore more. But we've extended the encounters, drawn things out, transitioned to being friends a bit. Last time we worked alone together, he was summarizing nice things about our work together and in the end slipped in "and I love you, [insert my name]" in a deliberate, straight forward voice.

 

I wasn't looking at him when he said this, but was staring down at the table. I continued looking down and said it back to him. I think we half-hugged briefly, awkwardly, I was seated and he was standing, and then we finished the work at hand.

 

I was inclined to think this was an infatuation of mine and that it was 95% in my head. Now I'm confused.

 

This forum has mostly helped me steer away from wanting a PA because posters sound so out of control and miserable during the affair fog. Like an addictive episode. I still have time to step back.

 

I feel at peace to know that I'm in his heart too. Just knowing this feels like it could be enough for me and that I could walk away now, but who knows when and if I see him again what would happen. I'd probably pretend nothing happened and just pick up as friends.

 

Have you told *any* of this to your H? Does he know you have a "friend" named ______ at work and he is "in your heart" and you in his? Have you told your H that you both exchanged "I love yous"?

 

Do you have each others cell numbers and do you text each other? Do you have each others private emails and do you email each other.

 

I agree with others, you are in an EA. I've heard it said before in similar situations.... it takes a LONG time to get to that first kiss and a VERY short time after that before you are in bed. If you have no intentions for that to go that route CUT THE FRIENDSHIP OFF!! There is no need to have "that" kind of friendship with another man. Period. If the temptation is too risky (and it obviously is) it's not worth it.

[thirtysomethingteen]

First of all, I strongly disagree with those who are saying you are already having an affair. This is NOT an affair yet. Could this situation lead to an affair? Sure. But it DOES NOT HAVE TO. You are in control of yourself (even if you don't feel like it), and you ALWAYS have a choice.

 

You are human - you have developed a crush on another man, and now you are concerned because you're starting to think it might be mutual. I was you this summer. Like you, I came here for advice (as well as saw a counselor for advice) fearing that having an affair with the other man was inevitable. I was in such a fog that I believed I lacked any ability to control my actions and that it was entirely up to the OM to behave himself, because if he didn't I was surely doomed to have an affair with him. My counselor and people on this board helped me see that this was not so - my counselor by showing me that I was a lot stronger than I was giving myself credit for, people on this board by refusing to let me off the hook for my own personal accountability for one single second!

 

Hats off to you; you have done the right thing by posting here NOW, rather than showing up after you've had an affair, gotten busted, served with divorce papers, and then asking "now what?" This situation is absolutely redeemable.

 

So this man is in your heart, that doesn't have to be a terrible thing, so long as he stays in your heart and out of your pants! In this online world of ours it can be rare to have a connection like this with someone else and it is a blessing - keep that in mind any time you're tempted to ruin it by crossing the line. Although many on this board disagree with this decision, I am still friends with the OM to this day, though happily I have no romantic feelings towards him any longer. He is a really amazing person in a lot of ways, and I'm glad I didn't ruin our friendship over something as destructive - and ultimately transitory - as an affair. Because I didn't cross the line with him, my husband is totally fine with me continuing to be his friend (yes, I eventually told my husband everything). Something my counselor told me applies to you too: if you were to have an affair with him, he would cease to be someone you liked and admired and you would end up hating his guts instead. Is that really something you want?

 

People always say that there are 2 guarantees in life: death and taxes. Well I say there are 3: death, taxes, and that AFFAIRS ALWAYS END BADLY. There is no way to know how an affair will blow up horribly in your face, but it will.

 

Here is how mine would have blown up, had I gone through with it. My husband and I have known for several years that we'd never conceive without IVF due to his low count. As such, I haven't been on birth control for years. Keep in mind I would never have dreamed of having unprotected sex with the OM. A month ago I got the shock of my life and discovered I was pregnant - baby is due at the beginning of August. Because I didn't have an affair, this is a very happy event (once the initial shock wore off!). Had I gone through with the affair, I would be in a world of hell, as would my husband, the OM, his wife, and likely his children. How would I possibly know whose baby I was carrying? I would have gone mad by now wondering if the doctors were wrong about my husband or if birth control with the OM failed. There is no way I could ever be cruel enough to pass off another man's child as my husband's. Even if I was, my husband and I have blue eyes, and the OM has brown eyes - genetics would have told the truth, even if I didn't.

 

I always thought that if I got busted having an affair my husband would have forgiven me. Would he have? Who knows. There are other waywards here who were sure they'd be forgiven and were promptly served with divorce papers. One thing I know for certain though, is that my husband NEVER would have forgiven me for (potentially) getting pregnant with another man's child. It would have wrecked us, as a couple, and as individuals. I don't think either of us would have recovered from it in our lifetime.

 

Obviously my exact circumstances don't apply to you, but you get the gist of it. If you had an affair it would end horribly it ways you cannot predict.

 

Work on your marriage (communication, date nights, marriage counselling, etc.) with your husband as a team. Stay friends with the OM if that's what you want, but never spend time alone with him or behave in a way that you know your husband would not be comfortable with. I promise you that your feelings for him WILL fade, and you'll wonder why you ever had them in the first place.

 

Welcome to LS, and please stop in anytime you need to get something off your chest. :-)

[thummper]

Be very, very careful, Starglider. You crossed a boundary in telling this other man that you "love" him. He's a crush, a dalliance, a potential homewrecker, and NOTHING more. Do you really want to destroy your marriage by having an affair, EA or otherwise with this "friend?" By doing what he's doing, he's proving that he's NOT your friend. He's seriously jeopardizing your marriage, your family, and your happiness. If you think that your hubby is depressed now, wait until he discovers what you've been up to with this other guy. Is that what you want? Infatuations are temporary feelings, nothing more. You're playing with fire, here, and everyone in your family might get burned...badly. END THIS NOW!!!!

[TigerCub]

Hey Starglider,

 

There are people out there that think 'I'd never do that kind of thing - it's horrible and disgusting! I'd never participate in something so deceptive that would hurt someone else like that. I'd never be a side piece'

and yet these people (including myself) ended up being wrapped up in an affair.

 

Believe me when I say that it was and is the worst thing I've EVER done in my life. I've never cried as much in my life as I did in those 9 months or so - and I was the single one in the situation. You have a husband I'm sure your turmoil would be doubled.

 

I started out being friends with a guy that was 'separated' from his gf which was also the mother of his son. I had no intention of being a half time show, so we became friends, we'd email all day, we'd go on lunches and coffee breaks, we'd talk about everything under the sun and I didn't know what an emotional affair was - but that kinda was it. Once they got back together 'for the kid' he tells me he loves me - by then I had fallen for him.

 

It starts out emotional and leads to physical (to some extent) and the result is 99% the same - heartbreak, guilt, tears, self loathing, acting like an addict, going NC back and forth and in some sick way that reinforces that crazy affair fog addiction. It's a terrible situation.

 

I'd advise you to just stop talking to this guy, he's not going to be your friend - no matter how you see it now - believe me, he's not going to be your friend.

 

I'm not saying that he's evil and planned anything. He could just be a lonely person in a disconnected marriage, or he could actually be a cheater - but why even take the risk to find out?

 

Wish him best and do you part to keep him away.

 

It's a very slippery slope from too "friendly" to EA to a full blown PA.

[starglider]

Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful replies. It means so much to me to learn your perspectives and I fully can see that a PA is not the path I want. I thank people in this thread and others in LS for sharing the news of how devastating affairs really are. It has been a gift for me to wake up and hear this news now.

 

This has all happened just before the holiday so this is the longest NC the OM and I have gone - about a week since we had the conversation I spoke of in my original post. (Usually we've been in touch ever 2-3 days at least via text or in person).

 

Yes, he's in my thoughts obsessively night and day but I trust this will pass. It is surreal that we said those words to each other. Time apart came at the right time. I feel he may be as jolted as I am because he usually reaches out via text for no real reason if it has been a day or 2 without contact. Sends me a link or asks how I am. The fact that he hasn't makes me think he feels it has crossed the line into an inappropriate zone too and is shifting gears away. This is good if we're in sync here.

 

Maybe we're already in NC in a way that I don't have to spell it out to him? As the more passive person, this would be easier for me ... just let it fade. But I can understand your points about setting up NC unequivocally.

 

Time for me to go be with my family tonight and try to reconnect with H and be there for him as he wants me to help find a new doctor to explore depression meds.

 

Thanks again.

 

I'll keep you posted on if I do formal NC or just LC and let it fade.

[starglider]

I also wanted to thank you specifically ...

 

Nightmare1 - thank you for the wake up call and framing of EA that was delivered in a kind tone but serious

 

Mr Lucky - interesting and sad idea that H and my stupid fights are already a sign of the damage being done. Thanks for that insight.

 

Steen, Confused, Thummper, Tigerclub - useful reminder of potential heartache, misery, devastation of PA and this is playing with fire in a big way.

 

Rainbow - your breakdown of the stages was so useful as I saw myself up your stage of "confession of EA" and didn't like seeing "moved out" further down on your list. Yes, I want to save myself and all parties the heartache

 

Mal - my H does personally know OM, is sometimes with us together, knows we text, doesn't know he's in my heart or that we exchanged words of love. Sadly my daughter seems to recognize OM and my chemistry more than H recognizes it (she teases that I love guys on tv and in movies "Mom loves Jeff Probst" [host of survivor] or "Mom loves Mike" [American Pickers] but when she said "Mom loves [OM's name]" in front of my H that was a serious wake up call to me).

 

30smthgteen - I appreciate your dissenting view about EA and hearing that you dodged a bullet by avoiding the PA but are still friends with OM. In a perfect world, I would remain friends with my OM if I could get to the point of seeing him just as a guy who is no longer dear to me. He makes me laugh, is smart, and operates with an open heart toward the world that I respond to and feel I do too. But right now, he's in my thoughts too much and he's a very "huggy" person so that now puts us at risk and so I tend to think the friendship may not be a long term one.

 

Loveshack, I'm glad I found you when I did!

[harrybrown]

If you daughter could see this, there may be others that have picked up on the situation.

 

You should go NC, not LC.

 

This is like a drug and you are addicted. Affairs ruin lives of all your family not just your H.

 

How would you feel if your H said those words to another woman?

[FusionCutter]

I'm curious how your friendship turned into an affair. Especially for people who didn't think of themselves as the types who would ever have affairs.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm at risk myself...

 

Never thought of myself as the type to cheat (and haven't had a PA). I've been with my husband 15 years. A sweet man, kind soul, but he's depressed, stalling on taking action over depression, our sex like has suffered, he's irritable with me and our child I believe because of the depression. Despite him not feeling like himself, he cares about my happiness and has integrity and is trying to cope. But we end up arguing a lot over stupid things.

 

I don't think the other man who is "in my heart" now is the cheating type either. He's married, and is a father. He seems like a good person who wants to do the right thing and my sense is he is a friendly guy who has never cheated.

 

We both worked on a project together. I felt special and cared for by him during stress of the work. I was probably an ego boost to him as I lite up in his presence and he seemed masterful in my eyes.

 

No real need to see each other professionally anymore more. But we've extended the encounters, drawn things out, transitioned to being friends a bit. Last time we worked alone together, he was summarizing nice things about our work together and in the end slipped in "and I love you, [insert my name]" in a deliberate, straight forward voice.

 

I wasn't looking at him when he said this, but was staring down at the table. I continued looking down and said it back to him. I think we half-hugged briefly, awkwardly, I was seated and he was standing, and then we finished the work at hand.

 

I was inclined to think this was an infatuation of mine and that it was 95% in my head. Now I'm confused.

 

This forum has mostly helped me steer away from wanting a PA because posters sound so out of control and miserable during the affair fog. Like an addictive episode. I still have time to step back.

 

I feel at peace to know that I'm in his heart too. Just knowing this feels like it could be enough for me and that I could walk away now, but who knows when and if I see him again what would happen. I'd probably pretend nothing happened and just pick up as friends.

 

If you want to save yourself, stop right now.

Have you guys had any physical contact? Any kiss? Hug, etc? Any kind of small physical gesture will bring it over the edge.

[Appreciate]

I'm curious how your friendship turned into an affair. Especially for people who didn't think of themselves as the types who would ever have affairs.

 

I guess I'm wondering if I'm at risk myself...

 

Spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex creates risk.

 

Never thought of myself as the type to cheat (and haven't had a PA). I've been with my husband 15 years. A sweet man, kind soul, but he's depressed, stalling on taking action over depression, our sex like has suffered, he's irritable with me and our child I believe because of the depression. Despite him not feeling like himself, he cares about my happiness and has integrity and is trying to cope. But we end up arguing a lot over stupid things.

 

Marriage has its ups and downs. What do you mean by "stalling"? Being depressed can be a real medical issue in which people are not able to see what they need to do to cope in the same way you can from the outside. If you were depressed, would you not want your H to stand by your side in a time of need? People who have read these stories numerous times will recognize that your relationship has probably worsened since meeting the OM, as you are probably comparing the OM to your H. This comparison is inherently unfair and will only make you feel and act worse towards your husband.

 

I don't think the other man who is "in my heart" now is the cheating type either. He's married, and is a father. He seems like a good person who wants to do the right thing and my sense is he is a friendly guy who has never cheated.

 

Maybe he's not a serial cheater, but maybe he is and you don't know it yet. If he's man who is willing to intervene in someone else's marriage and jeapordize his own, then yes he has become the cheating type. Many women have been duped by these Prince Charmings who weasel their way into a woman's heart by performing the act of everything she wants to be. Being kind, generous, a listener, looking for vulnerabilities, being a rescuer, etc. Your emotional welfare is NOT his business, it is that of your husband's. This is the most important thing to be understood, or otherwise you will let a threat drive a wedge into your marriage. Do you really want to break up your marriage and family to be with someone who could do the same to you years later?

 

We both worked on a project together. I felt special and cared for by him during stress of the work. I was probably an ego boost to him as I lite up in his presence and he seemed masterful in my eyes.

 

This is perhaps the most common precursor to an affair. You are both assuming the roles here of affair partners.. you are soaking up his masterful male energy and he is feeling powerful and grooming you for betrayal. Either subconsciously or consciously.

 

No real need to see each other professionally anymore more. But we've extended the encounters, drawn things out, transitioned to being friends a bit. Last time we worked alone together, he was summarizing nice things about our work together and in the end slipped in "and I love you, [insert my name]" in a deliberate, straight forward voice.

 

He knows you have feelings, and he finally put it out there. He made his bg move, so to speak.

 

I wasn't looking at him when he said this, but was staring down at the table. I continued looking down and said it back to him. I think we half-hugged briefly, awkwardly, I was seated and he was standing, and then we finished the work at hand.

 

Good for you for not engaging what he said. But you left the door open for him in his mind because you did not shut it down.

 

I was inclined to think this was an infatuation of mine and that it was 95% in my head. Now I'm confused.

 

Yes. Infatuation.

 

This forum has mostly helped me steer away from wanting a PA because posters sound so out of control and miserable during the affair fog. Like an addictive episode. I still have time to step back.

 

I feel at peace to know that I'm in his heart too. Just knowing this feels like it could be enough for me and that I could walk away now, but who knows when and if I see him again what would happen. I'd probably pretend nothing happened and just pick up as friends.

 

There are some big problem statements here. You should not be feeling at peace because you know that you are in his heart. You don't want to carry around this sympathetic feeling because it will gnaw at you, perhaps cause you to reach out to him or to be reeled in by him. And you can NOT pick up as friends once this connection has been made. If you don't want to F up your life, make sure to avoid all contact from him. Be terse but polite and if he tries to open the door at all, write a very short message saying that you are happily married and that he should not contact you about any personal matters. You don't feel it's appropriate and you have told your husband. Don't want to hurt this guy's feelings? Which is more important - a friendship or your marriage?You're already risking hurting your husband's feelings immensely by giving this guy space in your heart. No other man deserves that kind of space in your heart besides your husband.

[badkarma2013]

Have you told *any* of this to your H? Does he know you have a "friend" named ______ at work and he is "in your heart" and you in his? Have you told your H that you both exchanged "I love yous"?

 

Do you have each others cell numbers and do you text each other? Do you have each others private emails and do you email each other.

 

I agree with others, you are in an EA. I've heard it said before in similar situations.... it takes a LONG time to get to that first kiss and a VERY short time after that before you are in bed. If you have no intentions for that to go that route CUT THE FRIENDSHIP OFF!! There is no need to have "that" kind of friendship with another man. Period. If the temptation is too risky (and it obviously is) it's not worth it.

*******************************************************************

 

I agree....Tell your BH...no only does he a have a right to know...But a great deal of counselors now would advise one to tell the spouse before it goes from EA to PA....AFFAIRS do not continue in the light...once exposed they become what they are...READ Shirley Glass.."Not Just Friends"...you are there baby...same thing happened in her life and she DID NOT stop it and it almost wrecked her life...Pls get the book for it is YOU.....

 

Another thought ...Would you Do or Say or Act like this in front of your BH...No you would not...That right there is the best Gauge any of us have...Because We KNOW its wrong...

Edited January 1, 2015 by badkarma2013

[Mal78]

I also wanted to thank you specifically ...

 

Nightmare1 - thank you for the wake up call and framing of EA that was delivered in a kind tone but serious

 

Mr Lucky - interesting and sad idea that H and my stupid fights are already a sign of the damage being done. Thanks for that insight.

 

Steen, Confused, Thummper, Tigerclub - useful reminder of potential heartache, misery, devastation of PA and this is playing with fire in a big way.

 

Rainbow - your breakdown of the stages was so useful as I saw myself up your stage of "confession of EA" and didn't like seeing "moved out" further down on your list. Yes, I want to save myself and all parties the heartache

 

Mal - my H does personally know OM, is sometimes with us together, knows we text, doesn't know he's in my heart or that we exchanged words of love. Sadly my daughter seems to recognize OM and my chemistry more than H recognizes it (she teases that I love guys on tv and in movies "Mom loves Jeff Probst" [host of survivor] or "Mom loves Mike" [American Pickers] but when she said "Mom loves [OM's name]" in front of my H that was a serious wake up call to me).

 

30smthgteen - I appreciate your dissenting view about EA and hearing that you dodged a bullet by avoiding the PA but are still friends with OM. In a perfect world, I would remain friends with my OM if I could get to the point of seeing him just as a guy who is no longer dear to me. He makes me laugh, is smart, and operates with an open heart toward the world that I respond to and feel I do too. But right now, he's in my thoughts too much and he's a very "huggy" person so that now puts us at risk and so I tend to think the friendship may not be a long term one.

 

Loveshack, I'm glad I found you when I did!

 

How old is your daughter? Mine is 15 and is very similar. We had this extremely handsome nurse/paramedic at the hospital that apparently I was "googly eye" over and she picked up on it. I didn't mean to be but he was very attractive. She also picked up on her boss having a "thing" for me also. I wrote a review on his little restaurant on a popular local blog I contrib to and he has gotten MANY customers based on that. He sends home treats for me with my daughter. I honestly think he is just being gracious, however I avoid the restaurant to be safe as my daughter sees it differently. He too is a very handsome man.

 

Kids are VERY perceptive as their innocence isn't yet tainted by life yet. Follow your daughters intuition it won't steer you wrong.

 

Good luck. Sounds like you know what the right thing to do is and THANKFULLY you caught it sooner than later.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Friendships turn into affairs the moment YOU make yourself open to one. There is no magic. No coincidence. No destiny and no fate. And it doesn't ever "just happen."

 

You are either looking for one, or you are decidedly against the idea. That's it. I am close friends with many women. There is obvious mutual attraction between several of us, because we're human. But there is no circumstance that would lead to an affair for me until the moment I wanted one.

[starglider]

How old is your daughter? Mine is 15 and is very similar. We had this extremely handsome nurse/paramedic at the hospital that apparently I was "googly eye" over and she picked up on it. I didn't mean to be but he was very attractive. She also picked up on her boss having a "thing" for me also. I wrote a review on his little restaurant on a popular local blog I contrib to and he has gotten MANY customers based on that. He sends home treats for me with my daughter. I honestly think he is just being gracious, however I avoid the restaurant to be safe as my daughter sees it differently. He too is a very handsome man.

 

Kids are VERY perceptive as their innocence isn't yet tainted by life yet. Follow your daughters intuition it won't steer you wrong.

 

Good luck. Sounds like you know what the right thing to do is and THANKFULLY you caught it sooner than later.

Kids are VERY perceptive as their innocence isn't yet tainted by life yet.

 

Yes, Mal78, kids are very perceptive. My daughter is a bit younger than yours but another layer to my situation is that my husband is has developed a friendship with a co-worker too in recent weeks and my daughter picks up on this too.

 

My daughter also had a profound insight into a boy in her class who I see as a future narcissist/pick up artist. She said "I'm going to tell you 5 things about him: he is a happy, his is sad, he feels sorry for himself, he likes to act superior, and he pretends to be excited." We talked about the concept of integrity and how he lacked it by trying to get girls to admit they liked him and then telling them coldly he didn't like them.

 

Her words also could apply to the dark side of my OM - at least during the times when I wonder if I'm being played.

[starglider]

READ Shirley Glass.."Not Just Friends"

 

Thanks for this recommendation. Truth is H and I both should read this and both probably do MC or IC.

 

In recent weeks he has become friends with a woman, a lesbian he keeps reminding me, who recently ended a 20 year relationship. But before that she had been married to a man and divorced. It has been hard for my H to make friends in the town we moved to 9 years ago. It was easier for me and I felt sad he had few friends and we talk about this a lot.

 

I don't want to deny him time with her because it cheers him up and he's depressed. But from my own EA with my OM, I know too that friendships outside the marriage put a strain on things - to say the least.

 

It is turning into a mess but I think we have the chance to get back on track, if we both try.

[Mal78]

Yes, Mal78, kids are very perceptive. My daughter is a bit younger than yours but another layer to my situation is that my husband is has developed a friendship with a co-worker too in recent weeks and my daughter picks up on this too.

 

My daughter also had a profound insight into a boy in her class who I see as a future narcissist/pick up artist. She said "I'm going to tell you 5 things about him: he is a happy, his is sad, he feels sorry for himself, he likes to act superior, and he pretends to be excited." We talked about the concept of integrity and how he lacked it by trying to get girls to admit they liked him and then telling them coldly he didn't like them.

 

Her words also could apply to the dark side of my OM - at least during the times when I wonder if I'm being played.

 

VERY insightful daughter.... she's a keeper

 

I think your daughter hit the nail on the head on how many men with ill intentions are. They manipulate, groom, get what they want from you and drop you cold. Thankfully she sees the signs at such a young age. Hopefully she will continue to be this perceptive especially on these upcoming impressionable years.

 

My H and I discuss keeping up on our daughter as she is entering the stage of "liking boys". My H is VERY fearful not just because she is his one and only baby girl (we have 4 boys) but because I got pregnant at her age *by him*. I assure him she is NOTHING like how I was. She is SO full of confidence and esteem. I was desperate for boys to like me, she could take it or leave it. She is fully aware of boys like my H was (although doesn't know what my H was like in the least, she thinks we were high school sweethearts.... furthest from the truth sadly). I think my H knows what HE was like and never wants that kind of heartache for his D. Funny how these things can come around full circle.

 

She is fortunate to have brothers and particularly a twin. They have her back and always have those objective opinions and advice.

[loveboid]

If you want this guy I think you should tell him you'd be interested in dating him if he were single.

[purplesorrow]

If you want this guy I think you should tell him you'd be interested in dating him if he were single.

 

She probably shouldn't date someone else while she's married.

[DKT3]

Starglider, I think the first step is stop calling him "my other man". It doesn't sound like much but its a start to changing your mindset.

 

Your marriage is in real danger right now, and the fact that both you and your husband have others that your using as emotional surrogates make it worse. I think its a must that these people our cut out of your lives NOW.

 

This other guy, to me sounds like a seasoned cheated that is grooming you for an affair. He is already doing the pull push thing. Pulls you in "I love you" then pushes by not contacting you. This allows you mind to an emotional connection. "Why hasn't he connected me" so when he does your so excited you forget everything else.

 

The situation with your husband is even more dangerous, they are both emotionally needy. As you draw closer to this other man you will have to get distance from your husband. From what your saying it doesn't sound like that has started to happen yet, but as you break boundaries you will have to. This will push your husband to depend on this other woman more, who herself is emotionally vulnerable.

 

Stop now close ranks around your home and focus on your family.

[Redheaded Mistress]

My friendship turned EA turned PA almost exactly in the way your situation has laid out. We were introduced at work, we worked together, we got to know each other, then we became very close, best friends. Our friendship made him a friend of our family, and me and my husband a friend of his. We'd spend a lot of time one-on-one at work, lingered together, hung out alone at work, then alone outside of work. During that time our relationship was an EA though neither of us knew that's how the other felt. Then one day, very spontaneously, we graduated to PA.

 

The whole thing happened slowly over a year or so, until just before the PA and things went very quickly. There was no conscious choice or plotting of an EA or PA. The EA developed, the PA was initially a spur of the moment act.

 

So, keep going the way you're going, you'll have a PA.