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longjourney

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I have never felt this much pain in my life, except on DDay. I made it through Christmas for the kids, thanks to my sister and parents. I do know this pain was inevitable, but nonetheless it still makes it hard to breathe. We have been to the lawyers, D is in motion. We have joint custody of the kids, I am trying to keep the kids together as much as I can, even though they are not blood related, they are inseparable.

 

 

Christmas was agony. The kids were with me in the morning and we had agreed that WH would come by for the kids, which he did, and I went in knowing full well it would kill me on the inside. It brought back so many past Christmas memories. WH left and we went to my family's later. Christmas was always at my house, but so much of preparations were done by WH that I was not able to do it alone, and if truth be known I was very lazy about those things because I KNEW WH would do them. He wrapped, he decorated, he even cooked parts of the dinner. I used to suggest getting catering, but he wasn't crazy about that idea. Yes I never gave me all. I know the choice for him to carry on an LTA was completely on him regardless of my short comings, but I wish I had a redo, at least a fighting chance in his heart to try, but his heart and happiness are with someone else.

 

 

So yes I go to my IC, he is working with me on working ON me. One thing my IC has made me see is that I am SO relieved that I am not living the farce any more. My WH stayed with me for so long, way to long, even after DDay. He stayed to not break up the family, he stayed because he cared for me and knew I needed him, and now I feel a relief that I know that falsehood is over. I know he would have stayed, for financial, and family "for the kids" reasons. That is why I have an extremely hard time with the label of selfish on all WS's. My WH was being selfless by staying with me, and to me, that makes him a good person. Yes he was conflicted internally, his heart belonged elsewhere and he did not intend to break up this M, yet even after DDay he stayed because I asked him to, and in reality I know he stayed because OW told him not to contact her anymore after DDay. Yes I know he would STILL be here if the OW was still M'd. Yes if she did not come around again, I know my WH would have been here with me forever. I am glad for the fact that I know I am not living in that land of lies any more.

 

 

I cannot wait to end 2014, but I am not to sure 2015 will be any better.

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I cannot wait to end 2014, but I am not to sure 2015 will be any better.

 

I remember that feeling. Fortunately, I was wrong.

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compulsivedancer

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your story always makes my heart hurt, especially the way you feel at fault when you never even had a chance!

 

It's got to be so hard for you, but it's okay to feel relief that he's gone! Keep up the work in IC. You have to understand that you never deserved this and that you are a lovable person outside of him.

 

If you want someone else, you can find someone who can love and cherish you with all his heart, who will put you first.

 

I wish you all the best and I'm happy to see you trying to move forward.

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So sorry to hear you are going through this. I know what it's like. It's incredibly difficult and you are going to go through a range of emotions like you've never felt before.

 

It does concern me that you make him out to be this good person who tried to do the honorable thing by staying with you, but you have to let that go. I'm not saying you should hate him, but I am saying that at some point, you may feel exactly that. Don't blame yourself for everything he did. Take blame ONLY for your OWN actions and that's IT. That's all you can do. You can't take on the blame for what he chose to do or the entire reason for why your marriage failed. IMO, him staying around afterwards, even though you asked, just makes it more painful for you. If you can't reconcile, then it's better to just pull the plug.

 

2015 will be a learning year for you. It will be better, you'll see that at some point along the way. It DOES get better!

 

Much love to you and ((hugs))

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So sorry to hear you are going through this. I know what it's like. It's incredibly difficult and you are going to go through a range of emotions like you've never felt before.

 

It does concern me that you make him out to be this good person who tried to do the honorable thing by staying with you, but you have to let that go. I'm not saying you should hate him, but I am saying that at some point, you may feel exactly that. Don't blame yourself for everything he did. Take blame ONLY for your OWN actions and that's IT. That's all you can do. You can't take on the blame for what he chose to do or the entire reason for why your marriage failed. IMO, him staying around afterwards, even though you asked, just makes it more painful for you. If you can't reconcile, then it's better to just pull the plug.

 

2015 will be a learning year for you. It will be better, you'll see that at some point along the way. It DOES get better!

 

Much love to you and ((hugs))

I completely agree with this. It concerns me that you believe he was "selfless". Maybe my definition is different from yours, but I believe he was very selfish. I can't for the life of me understand why you continue to defend him. I also don't necessarily believe you should hate him, but marrying you and staying for so long when his heart was with the OW is a very messed up thing to do to another person. You need to stop blaming yourself. Just stop!! It doesn't matter whether you were the perfect wife or not. He still would have jumped when the OW told him to because she has always has his heart.

 

 

I know you probably won't respond to this, but why do you put him up on such a high pedestal? The things you've said he's done for you is what IMO husbands are supposed to do. Couples are supposed to communicate and support each other. Helping you when you were sick doesn't make him a good person. Intentions are important. You're supposed to help others because you want to, not because it's considered the right thing to do.

 

 

I've stated this before, but I do believe what you're going through is a blessing in disguise. You are finally free from all the lies and deception. That's a wonderful way to start out the New Year.

 

 

Big hugs to you!

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  • 1 month later...

Hey, longjourney, I think about you all the time and wonder how you're doing. Is the IC making any progress? It's been a couple of months now, so I hope this means you are much better...

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I know he would have stayed, for financial, and family "for the kids" reasons. That is why I have an extremely hard time with the label of selfish on all WS's. My WH was being selfless by staying with me, and to me, that makes him a good person. Yes he was conflicted internally, his heart belonged elsewhere and he did not intend to break up this M, yet even after DDay he stayed because I asked him to, and in reality I know he stayed because OW told him not to contact her anymore after DDay. Yes I know he would STILL be here if the OW was still M'd. Yes if she did not come around again, I know my WH would have been here with me forever. I am glad for the fact that I know I am not living in that land of lies any more.

 

 

I cannot wait to end 2014, but I am not to sure 2015 will be any better.

 

I am so glad I read your post. It is a rare these days to find someone with such clarity of mind, clear enough to highlight her own conflict and to understand what is going on.

 

I am a cheater too, but like your ex I am not deprived of a heart in other aspects of life. Yes he betrayed you, but that does not mean he appreciates you in other ways, and as you can see it also doesn´t not mean that he will not be there for you and the kids.

 

As long as you have this clarity of mind, even if that also brings pain, you are going to be fine because you will have many feelings except hatred. I mean, sure you will hate what he did, but that´s where the hatred will end.

 

Your hate will not pass onto your kids who will still have a father. And your hate will not cloud your mind so you will still have a friend.

 

The scars will never disappear but will heal quickly with your attitude.

 

Hang in there. You are going to be ok.

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Hi long journey.

 

Any chance of an update? I'm sure a lot of posters have been thinking about you, as I have.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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longjourney

I started a new thread instead - sorry

Edited by longjourney
started a new thread instead
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