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Relapse with a partner


Lilac33

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How do you know if your spouse won't contact their affair partner after being caught. For me it seems like he threw her under the bus and hasn't spoken to her.... But how long will I moniotor him like his mother. And once the dust has settled will he talk to her again. They talked everyday all day and now she's just gone? Sometimes seems too good to be true.

Anyone have experience with a relapse? After how long?

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Do they continue to work together or within the same BUILDING?

how long was the entire A?

how did it come to the surface, how was it HANDLED?

how did you organise NC?

how did he "leave things"with AP?

how hard / forthcoming was he for full disclosure to your questions?

is the OW SINGLE? Does she know you know?

 

Any thoughts on why the AFFAIR?

 

With some background maybe I could say some things based on experience, but only if I thought that certain things were clearly achieved as of dday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do you know if your spouse won't contact their affair partner 3after being caught. For me it seems like he threw her under the bus and hasn't spoken to her.... But how long will I moniotor him like his mother. And once the dust has settled will he talk to her again. They talked everyday all day and now she's just gone? Sometimes seems too good to be true.

Anyone have experience with a relapse? After how long?

Edited by fellini
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You can't tell when he starts talking to her again because you cannot control him while he's at work or his secondary mobile phone(s) he's keeping secret from you.

 

In your case, your husband is also a serial cheater. Do you actually believe there is only this one other woman? He has others or will have a new one soon. Only this time he'll be smarter to hide it.

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I caught my wife back in contact with her AP a few months after Dday. He had transferred work locations and I discovered (via an email to a coworker) that she'd been in touch with him. She claimed it was a two minute work related phone call. I should have been done with reconciliation then but instead blew up and pushed forward. A few months later I found more (heinous) stuff that she'd been lying about the whole time. That did us in.

 

You may not discover contact with the AP but if he's still lying about stuff (particularly if he's still carrying on the affair), you may very well discover it if you stay diligent. I dug like crazy and it took me 8 months. I'm not sure if I recommend all of that but if you're determined not to divorce, then staying vigilant is your best second choice.

 

Sadly, since your H has done this twice (as far as you know) and followed the typical "deny, deny, deny" tactics, I wouldn't hold out much hope. The truly remorseful ones don't do it again and keep lying. They voluntarily confess.

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Do they continue to work together or within the same BUILDING?

how long was the entire A?

how did it come to the surface, how was it HANDLED?

how did you organise NC?

how did he "leave things"with AP?

how hard / forthcoming was he for full disclosure to your questions?

is the OW SINGLE? Does she know you know?

 

Any thoughts on why the AFFAIR?

 

With some background maybe I could say some things based on experience, but only if I thought that certain things were clearly achieved as of dday.

 

The affair was 6 months but they saw each other all the time. It came to the surface when I found a email in his phone bc I suspected something because he would come home late and have lame excuses. I handled it by calling the ow. At first she said nothing but then the next day she pretty much implied without stating the obvious that they had a relationship. I asked for proof she said it she saw no reason for me to make my decision although she had it. At that point my H started blaming the whole thing on her changed his number and mine and started acting like a model citizen. I don't know how he left things he never talked to her in front of me and when I was on the phone both time he took the phone from my hands and hung up. I'm sure she got a I'm sorry I need space excuse. In her defense I can say she was sobbing shocked and hurt. She had no idea what a liar he is. And I'm not sure if he's not contacting her because he cares to fix this family or he's embarrassed I told her everything. She knows of me but not me. And I vaguely know her we know some people in common. We went to church counseling but my H is very manipulative like that using religion and god at his discretion and I find it very difficult not to fall into the brainwashing.

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I caught my wife back in contact with her AP a few months after Dday. He had transferred work locations and I discovered (via an email to a coworker) that she'd been in touch with him. She claimed it was a two minute work related phone call. I should have been done with reconciliation then but instead blew up and pushed forward. A few months later I found more (heinous) stuff that she'd been lying about the whole time. That did us in.

 

You may not discover contact with the AP but if he's still lying about stuff (particularly if he's still carrying on the affair), you may very well discover it if you stay diligent. I dug like crazy and it took me 8 months. I'm not sure if I recommend all of that but if you're determined not to divorce, then staying vigilant is your best second choice.

 

Sadly, since your H has done this twice (as far as you know) and followed the typical "deny, deny, deny" tactics, I wouldn't hold out much hope. The truly remorseful ones don't do it again and keep lying. They voluntarily confess.

 

How long was your marriage and how long was her Affair. I too have been diligent but wonder is this how I am supposed to live policing him. I have two children to take care of. Ofcourse he has somehow made me the unfit parent since I'm depressed. I heard him tell his mom I'm suicidal so he will take care of me and the kids and would never leave me. I'm not but amazing how everyone forgot how I got to this condition.

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A couple of things then. You say she was sobbing and calling him a liar so I take it she didn't know he was married. So if that's true she might really not want any more to do with him. But you never know that either if you aren't connected to this woman.

 

In terms of NC I wouldn't call this real NC. He blocked her connection but not for the right reasons - basically to minimize damage, not to send a clear signal HE wants to end it.

 

I'd say from your tone there is no remorse only damage control for getting caught and more so panic over you getting the details. I dont see much chance or future for you if he is still in a kind of denial. If he wants to control what you know and keep you from sources of confirmation, and worse, use religious community to keep this about you, god etc., and not about him and his issues, id say your future is not looking good. It's only a matter of time he finds another outlet.

 

I'd say your real issue is an unrepentant cheat, not an issue with monitoring movements, at least where this OW is concerned.

 

I think you need to be more proactive, have clear expectations and lines and he needs to meet them or move on. And i dont mean together. There is a chance, but this is not a productive beginning. In my opinion.

 

The affair was 6 months but they saw each other all the time. It came to the surface when I found a email in his phone bc I suspected something because he would come home late and have lame excuses. I handled it by calling the ow. At first she said nothing but then the next day she pretty much implied without stating the obvious that they had a relationship. I asked for proof she said it she saw no reason for me to make my decision although she had it. At that point my H started blaming the whole thing on her changed his number and mine and started acting like a model citizen. I don't know how he left things he never talked to her in front of me and when I was on the phone both time he took the phone from my hands and hung up. I'm sure she got a I'm sorry I need space excuse. In her defense I can say she was sobbing shocked and hurt. She had no idea what a liar he is. And I'm not sure if he's not contacting her because he cares to fix this family or he's embarrassed I told her everything. She knows of me but not me. And I vaguely know her we know some people in common. We went to church counseling but my H is very manipulative like that using religion and god at his discretion and I find it very difficult not to fall into the brainwashing.
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You don't police him so much as you are verifying that he is policing himself.

 

The thing is saying he will take care of you and the kids is nothing, it implies something more than it is. My WW can rightly claim the same, she never stopped "taking care of family issues" - the affair doesn't interfere with that. She had her affair on work and free time. For this reason I never suspected a thing.

 

Are there any clear unforced behaviours that strongly suggest he has or wants to turn his life around WHEN HE IS NOT taking care of things on the home front?

 

 

How long was your marriage and how long was her Affair. I too have been diligent but wonder is this how I am supposed to live policing him. I have two children to take care of. Ofcourse he has somehow made me the unfit parent since I'm depressed. I heard him tell his mom I'm suicidal so he will take care of me and the kids and would never leave me. I'm not but amazing how everyone forgot how I got to this condition.
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How long was your marriage and how long was her Affair. I too have been diligent but wonder is this how I am supposed to live policing him. I have two children to take care of. Ofcourse he has somehow made me the unfit parent since I'm depressed. I heard him tell his mom I'm suicidal so he will take care of me and the kids and would never leave me. I'm not but amazing how everyone forgot how I got to this condition.

 

We were together for 18 years and married for 12. The children were 8 and 4 at the time. Her affair went on 13 months before I discovered it.

 

If you want to reconcile, you'll both have to accept that he needs to rebuild trust. That means his life is an open book. He's fully transparent and agrees to you investigating whatever you want, whenever you want, without his knowledge. It certainly feels backwards and that's because it's the opposite of how a marriage should be. Of course, this is a consequence of HIS actions so your position should be that you're giving him the gift of a third chance and if he doesn't like how it's going to go, he knows where the damn door is. The thing is, when you investigate and find nothing, then you both win. So embrace it and make sure he's being grateful that you're providing an option that doesn't involve attorneys. Conventional wisdom places recovery at 2-5 years so buckle in for the long haul.

 

If you don't like living this way, your choices are either to rugsweep the affair (which has about a 100% failure rate) or divorce. Since this is not his first affair, my recommendation is the latter but you already know that.

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If you are staying with the husband short term but long term have an exit strategy, than think of it like this... You just can't watch him 24/7 so basically stop giving a ****. He may or he may not, but it's terrible to be worrying about it. I know it's hard to detach your emotions after having been with your husband for so long.. I felt the same.. Now I just feel like my wife is a snake and I know her true colors and she will get what's coming to her in the end...

 

 

Just stop caring, do your job or find some new interest outside your marriage. It's not worth the stress and suffering. And if you constantly worry your life gets worse and you can't be productive. If he cheats again than that's his problem, he totally sucks as a human and next time it blows up, just end it. But be clever, act like everything is cool and you can start getting yourself into a good position for when you let him go!

Edited by HurtHusband
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For me it seems like he threw her under the bus and hasn't spoken to her....

 

You've seen how he treats someone he supposedly cared about. When the time comes, don't expect different...

 

Mr. Lucky

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How do you know if your spouse won't contact their affair partner after being caught. For me it seems like he threw her under the bus and hasn't spoken to her.... But how long will I moniotor him like his mother. And once the dust has settled will he talk to her again. They talked everyday all day and now she's just gone? Sometimes seems too good to be true.

Anyone have experience with a relapse? After how long?

 

*******************************************************************

 

.ALL of them(WSs)...Lie ...minimize and trickle truth...Again..why would they tell the truth ...They have LIED,DECEIVED AND BETRAYED US..why start with the truth NOW! No BS should be surprised at Any behavior the WS has...

 

I refused to accept what my WW did and the thought of me triggering everytime she left town...and me having having to play a P.I. for eternity ...no way...i filed for D and never looked back....

 

I would never advise you what to to ..however i could never see her in my life after what she did and what was reveled to me...

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Man Mountain Makino
How do you know if your spouse won't contact their affair partner after being caught. For me it seems like he threw her under the bus and hasn't spoken to her.... But how long will I moniotor him like his mother. And once the dust has settled will he talk to her again. They talked everyday all day and now she's just gone? Sometimes seems too good to be true.

Anyone have experience with a relapse? After how long?

 

Unless you institute 24/7 surveillance, you can never be sure. That's the answer.

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*******************************************************************

 

.ALL of them(WSs)...Lie ...minimize and trickle truth...Again..why would they tell the truth ...They have LIED,DECEIVED AND BETRAYED US..why start with the truth NOW! No BS should be surprised at Any behavior the WS has...

 

I refused to accept what my WW did and the thought of me triggering everytime she left town...and me having having to play a P.I. for eternity ...no way...i filed for D and never looked back....

 

I would never advise you what to to ..however i could never see her in my life after what she did and what was reveled to me...

 

Thats remarkable strength good for you.

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A couple of things then. You say she was sobbing and calling him a liar so I take it she didn't know he was married. So if that's true she might really not want any more to do with him. But you never know that either if you aren't connected to this woman.

 

In terms of NC I wouldn't call this real NC. He blocked her connection but not for the right reasons - basically to minimize damage, not to send a clear signal HE wants to end it.

 

I'd say from your tone there is no remorse only damage control for getting caught and more so panic over you getting the details. I dont see much chance or future for you if he is still in a kind of denial. If he wants to control what you know and keep you from sources of confirmation, and worse, use religious community to keep this about you, god etc., and not about him and his issues, id say your future is not looking good. It's only a matter of time he finds another outlet.

 

I'd say your real issue is an unrepentant cheat, not an issue with monitoring movements, at least where this OW is concerned.

 

I think you need to be more proactive, have clear expectations and lines and he needs to meet them or move on. And i dont mean together. There is a chance, but this is not a productive beginning. In my opinion.

 

No she knew that he's married but I believe he had her believing it was extremely bad and to be ended. She probably won't want him anymore but who knows he has a effect on woman he can be quite the charmer and manipulate any situation. But she is pretty smart. I don't think he expected she would actually talk to me and answers questions honestly.

I have been setting boundaries and for the time being he's meeting them but I guess I have to wait and see if it's lasting or he's just a great actor. I don't know anymore.

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Read some posts in the ow/om forum. Often times they contact their affair partners again and again. You might here the term multiple ddays. After, the dust settles they start fishing again. There are exceptions Im sure. I would say at some point theres a good chance. Sorry!

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How do you know if your spouse won't contact their affair partner after being caught. For me it seems like he threw her under the bus and hasn't spoken to her.... But how long will I moniotor him like his mother. And once the dust has settled will he talk to her again. They talked everyday all day and now she's just gone? Sometimes seems too good to be true.

Anyone have experience with a relapse? After how long?

 

Breaks in NC happen though it is not mandatory that breaks happen. It is the WS's job to repair trust. That is done by the WS providing access to their phone and PC so the BS can monitor and verify that NC is in place.

 

 

Also if the AP tries to break NC. The BS can then alert the AP's BS of the attempt of the AP to break NC. That then shuts down the AP because they are taught that there will be unpleasant consequences for breaking NC.

 

 

The monitoring by the BS repairs the trust by showing that the affair is over and there truly NC. So let the BS check all they want. As time goes by the BS checks less until they hardly check any more.

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Breaks in NC happen though it is not mandatory that breaks happen. It is the WS's job to repair trust. That is done by the WS providing access to their phone and PC so the BS can monitor and verify that NC is in place.

 

 

Also if the AP tries to break NC. The BS can then alert the AP's BS of the attempt of the AP to break NC. That then shuts down the AP because they are taught that there will be unpleasant consequences for breaking NC.

 

 

The monitoring by the BS repairs the trust by showing that the affair is over and there truly NC. So let the BS check all they want. As time goes by the BS checks less until they hardly check any more.

 

Thats assuming the ap isnt single. My wh has recently started trolling for ex affair partner that ended 2 and a half years ago. She is/was single. Why? After that long?

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