New baby (not mine) - Heartbroken.

[11lake]

I met my ex when I was 21. I am now 30. We were together on and off since we met. A year into our relationship, I found out he was a serial cheater. I stayed and went, stayed and went - it became a pattern. Over the years, he has been unfaithful with over 6 women that I know of.

 

Two years into our relationship, he met a girl, "Julia", that he also continued to see on and off for years. I would "catch" them repeatedly, even spoke to her several times.

 

This past year I have helped him out financially, paid for everything every single time we hung out, and brought back gifts from overseas trips. Every time I would ask about moving forward into marriage, he wouldn't say he wasn't in a position to support a family.

 

In the past 2-3 months, he has acted increasingly erratic, psychotic, even sometimes verbally and emotionally abusive. Every time I asked him about Julia, he would say they didn't speak or see each other. (There was a brief period two years ago when they moved in together).

 

A few days ago, he asked me for money like he usually does once a week or so. I finally had had enough and I said no. I thought about things for another day or two and finally told him that I didn't want him in my life. It was a hard decision to make, but I could not handle how he had been treating me. I told him I wished him well and he said "Thanks. I'm going to need it, it's tough raising a child in this economy". I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks... and when I asked him what he was talking about, he said "None of your concern... you no longer exist to me" along with a range of comments about how it must suck for me now and I no longer have his attention. I haven't heard from him since.

 

From a little online digging, I know the child is Julia's. She is due in a month or two.

 

I know I am somewhere between 50-100% to blame for being in this situation. He is a complete narcissist, unemployed, serial cheater, has repeatedly put my health at risk, emotionally abusive, the list goes on and on. How can I let this continue for so many years? Why would I put up with it? He can't possibly love me after all this - then why do I continue to love him?

 

Worse, why do I feel so broken and sad? My heart is heavy that he will be having a family with Julia. She is giving him this gift.

 

I am messed up over this. So disappointed in myself. So hurt.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[No Limit]

I'll admit that I feel more sorry for this Julia than you. Unlike her you woke up, she on the other hand is stuck with being treated like crap for life.

 

Regain your self-esteem and don't react should he ever contact you again - actually it'd be best if you block him right away.

 

And for the future; don't make it a habit of giving money to cheating jobless pricks.

[newmoon]

you're not 50-100% responsible, you're 100% responsible. you may not have cheated yourself, but you stayed with a serial cheater and expected something good to come of it? seriously, what were you anticipating would happen w/your life and this guy? you created your own problem. no sympathy for you at all in this situation.

[11lake]

I'll admit that I feel more sorry for this Julia than you. Unlike her you woke up, she on the other hand is stuck with being treated like crap for life.

 

Regain your self-esteem and don't react should he ever contact you again - actually it'd be best if you block him right away.

 

And for the future; don't make it a habit of giving money to cheating jobless pricks.

 

I agree. I have blocked every medium of contact. Thank you.

[11lake]

you're not 50-100% responsible, you're 100% responsible. you may not have cheated yourself, but you stayed with a serial cheater and expected something good to come of it? seriously, what were you anticipating would happen w/your life and this guy? you created your own problem. no sympathy for you at all in this situation.

 

 

Thank you. I am not seeking sympathy, just trying to understand my behavior and most of all prevent anything like this from ever happening again.

 

Not an excuse or crutch, but when dealing with a manipulative, abusive, narcissist, it often felt like trying to climb out of quicksand. I was very young when we met and had no concept of when to draw the line.

[Dontfindme]

Well, if there's anything that you should take out of this - it is to not dwell over this at all.

You've wasted enough time, over a d-bag. You definitely don't need his bs "attention." I'd count my blessings; you don't have a marriage and divorce to deal with, nor kids.

 

Focus on yourself. Heal. You will in time.

[spanz1]

Thank you. I am not seeking sympathy, just trying to understand my behavior and most of all prevent anything like this from ever happening again.

.

 

you would have to tell us a little more about who you are for us to have a clue how to respond to that. Is this lout the ONLY man you had druing this long time? How was the sex with this guy?

 

i could make a guess. He is the bad boy, and you are attracted to alpha male bad boys. They thrill you, both sexually and emotionally. you now he is cheating with other women, and feel the need to compete for his love. this competition excites you...keeps you young and vibrant.

 

BUT you realize this guy is NOT marriage material, so you "keep" him for sex and fun by paying him each week, but never moved close enough to him to try to marry him. subconsciously you look for a beta steady provider for that.

 

so maybe you are at a decision point...find another alpha bad boy for the sex, or find a beta or somewhere in-between male and try to form a more lasting and loving relationship.

 

Close to the mark??

[elaine567]

You allowed this abusive cheating man to take over your life.

You have few personal boundaries and will have issues with codependency.

Watch this -

- 15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes)

 

If he wasn't already out of your life already, I would be telling you to run.

You do not need this toxic relationship in your life.

Go and get some therapy and sort yourself out, else you will be prime steak to the next abusive man who shows up.

[fellini]

Google "samvak leaving narcissist" and have a look around his website. Classic narcissist your ex. But you will also get some clear info about why it is so hard to brea with narcissists and your role in keeping him.

 

I dont think telling you if you are to blame is the right approach. Leavng a full blown NPD lover behind is a lot of work.

 

Good luck. Better its someone else's child.

[harrybrown]

Sorry for your pain, but you are so much better off without him.

 

He used you. He is not a good partner in life.

 

Continue to do the 180 and keep him out of your life. He will mooch from someone else.

 

Do something nice for yourself. Think about what will help you to move on and find someone better suited with you.

[SunshineToday]

After what you have said about this guy, leave and never look back.

I can promise you he and "Julia" are not going to have some sweet family relationship. They probably will not last and he will be on the hook of paying for his child for 18+ years.

 

Run while you can!!

[TrustedthenBusted]

Julia will be a single mom in a year.

[Sub]

It doesn't really sound like this was a "real" relationship, more like a FWB situation, or something where you felt the need to be his mother or big sister. If I might ask: what is it about this guy that would have you ever considering being his wife?

[Mal78]

He is a narcisistic sociopath. Realize this and move on. Easier said than done I know, when the pain and devastation is so real. He offers you nothing, nothing solid or real anyways nor will he ever. The very fact that his tantrum to you not giving him what he wants by a huge kick to the face is very telling.

 

You were addicted to a sociopath and need help breaking the cycle (like any other addiction) and realize life is not worth the superficial temporary fix he gives you to keep you needing/wanting him. It's a game he has strategically played with you all these years. Like drugs or alcohol he has altered your mind to believe you somehow can't live without him and like drugs and/or alcohol you have become addicted and/or dependant on his fix.

 

Get help... move on and don't let the drug which is your EX suck you back in. *It* took too much of your life already it doesn't deserve a second more. Let it be someone else's problem and don't let it consume you a second more!!

[coolheadal]

You had thought there was still H.O.P.E with him but nope now your see what's going on. You have awoken to the real world. But in all you know what you have to do. Pull out of this chapter. Your heart was good but he has taken everything you whole dear to you what makes you for who you are. Everyone here going to say what they want but I know where you coming from it has happen to me. I deal with by getting her our of my home and buying her one-way ticket out of my state to where she can stay with friends who put up with here serial cheater ways. It's real shame these type of people pray on good people like us two. I am glade you see the light now as I have.

 

I wish you the best but act fast and get him out like I doing with her today!

[11lake]

you would have to tell us a little more about who you are for us to have a clue how to respond to that. Is this lout the ONLY man you had druing this long time? How was the sex with this guy?

 

i could make a guess. He is the bad boy, and you are attracted to alpha male bad boys. They thrill you, both sexually and emotionally. you now he is cheating with other women, and feel the need to compete for his love. this competition excites you...keeps you young and vibrant.

 

BUT you realize this guy is NOT marriage material, so you "keep" him for sex and fun by paying him each week, but never moved close enough to him to try to marry him. subconsciously you look for a beta steady provider for that.

 

so maybe you are at a decision point...find another alpha bad boy for the sex, or find a beta or somewhere in-between male and try to form a more lasting and loving relationship.

 

Close to the mark??

 

I could see how one would guess that, but that's not it. More like addicted to him, insecure, hard to break away from NPD, etc

[11lake]

You allowed this abusive cheating man to take over your life.

You have few personal boundaries and will have issues with codependency.

Watch this -

- 15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes)

 

If he wasn't already out of your life already, I would be telling you to run.

You do not need this toxic relationship in your life.

Go and get some therapy and sort yourself out, else you will be prime steak to the next abusive man who shows up.

Thanks for the link - I will definitely check it out!

[11lake]

You had thought there was still H.O.P.E with him but nope now your see what's going on. You have awoken to the real world. But in all you know what you have to do. Pull out of this chapter. Your heart was good but he has taken everything you whole dear to you what makes you for who you are. Everyone here going to say what they want but I know where you coming from it has happen to me. I deal with by getting her our of my home and buying her one-way ticket out of my state to where she can stay with friends who put up with here serial cheater ways. It's real shame these type of people pray on good people like us two. I am glade you see the light now as I have.

 

I wish you the best but act fast and get him out like I doing with her today!

Thank you for your kind words! Good luck with you as well!

[11lake]

I think you're completely right. I became an enabler by helping financially.

 

I think I was holding on to the first year of our relationship, when I was extremely happy. Wow... just admitting to myself that only year out of nine was good is crazy. I was in denial and kept on holding on to hope. Also, I had some health-related weight gain and since he was supportive, I felt that no one else would be.

[sandylee1]

You should be happy you are out of this mess. He is a serial cheater and doesn't sound like he has much to offer you at all.

 

You are too young to put up with this crap. Find someone who will treat you better. People get walked over because they allow it. Keep telling yourself you deserve so much more. Love is tough and it really hurts at times, but you've made the right decision.

 

Try and occupy yourself with things so he doesn't take any space in your head.

 

Good luck

[Satu]

Any advice is appreciated.

 

Delete, block, and forget is all the advice you need.

[elaine567]

You are too young to put up with this crap. Find someone who will treat you better. People get walked over because they allow it. Keep telling yourself you deserve so much more. Love is tough and it really hurts at times, but you've made the right decision.

 

I don't think anyone at any age should have to put up with this crap.

[Chasing_mya]

Be blessed that you are not the one having a child with this serial cheater. You and the baby would be miserable in this type of environment. This is a blessing in disguise and hope its the push you need to move forward and NEVER look back. Please dust your shoulders off, block all contact with this man and focus on loving yourself again. He has a child on the way and you know he will never settle down with you. You know the saying 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them the 1st time'. Keep your head up sweety because you deserve so much better than he could ever give you.

[loveboid]

I'm of the opinion that getting into an abusive "thing" (it's not a relationship) can happen to anybody. It's not your fault.

 

When people have sex their bodies create hormones to bond for the sake of raising a child together. When they share food, talk, touch/hug, invest emotionally or financially this reinforces the bond.

 

To prevent this from happening again I would be aware that there are people who don't know how to love, and to wait to have sex with someone until you are sure you want to risk bonding to them.

 

Bonds are painful to break, even when they're with abusive people. I would look up Traumatic Bonding as well. There's nothing wrong with you. Distract yourself with rest, exercise, hobbies, self compliments, kitten videos (or whatever animal you love) etc.

[mikethemechanic]

Why don't you give him more money? Hey it's worked before, I recommend giving him money more frequently.