Do you try to out do the affair partner?

[Mal78]

After the initial aftermath of finding out about you WS's A are/were you eager to please your WS so that he/she wouldn't want to have another A or continue with the recent A?

 

Basically, do/have you do everything possible to be this fantastic spouse so your WS doesn't think about straying again?

 

Do you find yourself over preforming in bed and/or researching ways to better please your WS?

[Jkidding]

Shouldn't it be the other way around? Like your WS would do anything to prove to you he/she is worthy a second try. Another question: for how long you would over-perform-yourself-in-bed-and-kitchen? For year? For five years? For 25 years?

It sounds like petting your dog for pissing on your carpet...

Edited December 22, 2014 by Jkidding

[No Limit]

Why would I ever be jealous of a person so frustrated and desperate in her life that she has to take part in an affair?

Nope, moral high horse, I'm above all of you.

[HurtHusband]

Jkidding is right, you are just rewarding bad bahaviour.

It would be great if your partner was genuinely sorry and actively making an effort to change, but in many cases, they are'nt. because cheaters are selfish and the emotional pain the BS feels is probably far worse than the regret your cheating partner feels ( if they feel any at all )

 

Best thing you can do is heal yourself, put on a mask to smooth things over and make things appear normal. And than when your good and ready, and your partner least expects it, run!!

 

Like the scene with john goodman smashing up the car in 'the big lebowski'

This is what happens when you **** people in the ass!!

Edited December 22, 2014 by HurtHusband

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think it is common, however, it is not healthy.

 

Everyone has an ego to protect, even a BS.

 

It is how one protects their self-worth, self-respect is what determines whether it is healthy or unhealthy.

 

Trying to "measure up" actually feeds the lack of self-worth, self-respect. One reinforces that they are lacking, not good enough, inadequate.

 

However, if one was to take stock of themselves against themselves and decide to further their education (more employment opportunities), seek employment (financial independence), lose weight, get fit....etc, so that they are prepared to be on their own if need be...then that would be healthy.

[Selfish]

However, if one was to take stock of themselves against themselves and decide to further their education (more employment opportunities), seek employment (financial independence), lose weight, get fit....etc, so that they are prepared to be on their own if need be...then that would be healthy.

 

I actually know a few stories of friends who did this. It started out as a revenge and self esteem boost and then they felt great and the revenge part didn't matter anymore. They just enjoyed being healthier. and making more money.

[dichotomy]

To a certain extent.

 

I did take stock of why the OM was so attractive to her, and take a look at myself. As mentioned this was both unhealthy and healthy view. I did loose weight, get in shape, and incorporate what I believed were some traits of OM that attracted her to him. It has been beneficial to me to expand myself - be more multidimensional - but I will add that I am not sure it has improved things from my wife's perspective.

 

One of OM's traits (as well as one or two other past partners she was crazy about) was that they did not put her on a pedestal, certainly did not cater to her/defer to her, and at times were indifferent to her, and cocky/self assured. I believe these were reasonable traits for me to adopt on a basic low level ..(certainly she lost the pedestal anyway) but not to "out do" them in it.

Edited December 22, 2014 by dichotomy

[Spark1111]

No, I did it for me.

 

I believed he was leaving to be with his soul mate, but I never felt lower in my life.

 

So exercise, rekindling friendships, taking classes after work were all an effort to boost me as I was preparing for a future without him.

 

Many of my closest friends wanted to know if she was younger, prettier, thinner, etc. as if giving voice to THEIR fears and the answer was no, no, no.

 

But I certainly can understand and empathize with anyone who, following the shock of DDay, does the Pick Me Dance.

 

My reaction after trauma has always been to run away(distancing) and to get good and crazy angry at the injustice of it.

 

My response to his affair was no different.

[purplesorrow]

Using the ow as a point of reference would have been an epic fail for me. I am who I am. I have to offer what I have. I would not pretend to be something I am not. He had to do all he could to win me back. I hope he doesn't see anything in me that he saw in her.

[Popsicle]

More than likely, the BS AND the WS need to make some improvements in themselves and/or the way they relate to each other, so it's not a bad idea. If only one person is doing this though, then it's bad.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Popsicle

[HermioneG]

More than likely, the BS AND the WS need to make some improvements in themselves and/or the way they relate to each other, so it's not a bad idea. If only one person is doing this though, then it's bad.

 

That's very true.

 

Because post affair, after I threw him out, I definitely did have to work on not relating to him as an idiot who made a string of horrifically bad choices. That took a long time, and a lot of work on his part, and mine, to not relate to him that way.

 

Thanks for reminding me.

[HermioneG]

Using the ow as a point of reference would have been an epic fail for me. I am who I am. I have to offer what I have. I would not pretend to be something I am not. He had to do all he could to win me back. I hope he doesn't see anything in me that he saw in her.

 

This.

 

I admit, and I think it is human nature, that I spent some time, post tossing him out, trying to see what I did to "cause" the issue. Once I came to my senses and realized that wasn't a thing, then it was much easier to rebound to my healthy sense of self, and that woman ( me) is relentlessly authentic, and cannot be anything other than what I am. And I definitely did not aspire to be a serial other woman who was younger than me and epically screwed up. Nope.

[badkarma2013]

After the initial aftermath of finding out about you WS's A are/were you eager to please your WS so that he/she wouldn't want to have another A or continue with the recent A?

 

Basically, do/have you do everything possible to be this fantastic spouse so your WS doesn't think about straying again?

 

Do you find yourself over preforming in bed and/or researching ways to better please your WS?

 

 

I think what is not being said is...You can Never out do the OM/OW..One cannot Compete with a FANTASY.....AS a BH or BW we will NEVER no what the WS was thinking ..what they REALLY felt when they were with the AP...when they had sex ..the pet names they had or if they really loved them...You will never ever know..

 

The WS will 99% of the time lie..minimize and deceive you to stay in the marriage...Why wouldnt they, they have been doing it along in the A..

 

So how could one compete whit a feeling or their reality based on something that truly does not exist?

Edited December 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[the_artist_1970]

Shouldn't it be the other way around? Like your WS would do anything to prove to you he/she is worthy a second try. Another question: for how long you would over-perform-yourself-in-bed-and-kitchen? For year? For five years? For 25 years?

It sounds like petting your dog for pissing on your carpet...

 

Exactly! My WH tried to do EVERYTHING to please me and make me stay. I would NEVER compete with anyone for anybody. I am the prize! Definitely not a cheater and a liar.

[2.50 a gallon]

When I caught the Ex kissing a guard where she worked, amongst the foul language, I told him he could have her, as it was not safe for her to come home that night.

 

 

As for out performing in the bed, let him try, I could care less

[Sub]

Whatever I had to improve on had nothing to do with the OM. I can't agree enough with purple sorrow's "I am who I am" comment. There was some natural stock-taking and "resume" comparison at first. But I've never been big on pissing contests.

[Popsicle]

That's very true.

 

Because post affair, after I threw him out, I definitely did have to work on not relating to him as an idiot who made a string of horrifically bad choices. That took a long time, and a lot of work on his part, and mine, to not relate to him that way.

 

Thanks for reminding me.

 

My pleasure and congratulations on him out. Hope you didn't take him back afterwards.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Popsicle

[maaz3231]

No. I let her do all the work.

[revelations]

Truthfully I lost all interest in my WW after I found out. I had no desire at all to try and please my WW in any aspect of her life. I look at it this way, before she cheated I was suppose to be good enough for her. Now either she lied about me being good enough for her or she found someone better. Either way does not matter, what matters is that I know her true colors. So why would I want to try and impress someone that I normally would have never been friends with had I known before hand? Like someone else said in here it is like petting a dog for pissing on the rug.

 

With me I am just not into trying to win a prize that I don't want to begin with. The few and very feeble attempts my WW made to try and show me that she wants me now (like I would ever believe that) only served to show me on how little I wanted to do with her anymore. No whoever the WS is, husband or wife should be the one trying to do their best to impress the BS. If the wife is the BS her house should look like a florist shop with the amount of flowers her WH brings home to her. If the husband is the BS then his pecker should look like a rainbow with the amount of BJ's he is getting. Bottom line is that a WS trying to stay with and make it up to their BS should be bending over backwards in order to prove they are worth the pain to stay with. If the BS is trying to prove something to the WS then the BS needs to look at their own self-esteem issues they have.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I was in a weird situation where the OM was not good looking, not wealthy, not in shape, a smoker, literally a foot shorter than me, and who on multiple occasions could not perform sexually from too much alcohol. ( those apologies were actually hilarious )

 

On top of this, he was not very romantic either. WHen we read his text messages after she had taken off the Affair Beer Goggles, they were really nothing more than your basic hey, how ya doin stuff. And always with a hint of " I am only in this for the sex"

 

So no. I didn't try to out-do him. I do that everyday just by waking up.

[goodyblue]

I can't believe some of these responses. Seems to me if there is infidelity and you decide to work on the marriage you had better BOTH be throwing yourselves into reconciliation full throttle or it will fail. All of this 'he/she should do all the work' is assanine.

[purplesorrow]

I can't believe some of these responses. Seems to me if there is infidelity and you decide to work on the marriage you had better BOTH be throwing yourselves into reconciliation full throttle or it will fail. All of this 'he/she should do all the work' is assanine.

 

Gently, I don't think most were responding about how they participated if reconciliation was decided. I responded to comparing myself to and trying to out do the AP. Those are two very different things. I love who I am as a person. Why would I use his ow as a reference point to become a better me? I simply responded that I wouldn't. My WH did have to work to win me back to even decide to reconcile. He had to show me who the real him was.

[Sub]

I can't believe some of these responses. Seems to me if there is infidelity and you decide to work on the marriage you had better BOTH be throwing yourselves into reconciliation full throttle or it will fail. All of this 'he/she should do all the work' is assanine.

 

C'mon, goodyblue. You're cherry-picking comments to fit the knee-jerk "But the BS has work to do, too!" mantra. You're better than that.

[lovinDKT3]

I can't believe some of these responses. Seems to me if there is infidelity and you decide to work on the marriage you had better BOTH be throwing yourselves into reconciliation full throttle or it will fail. All of this 'he/she should do all the work' is assanine.

 

I agree with this, to a degree. As a fWW I fully understand and accept that I carry more of a burden to make our relationship work. With that being said, he also have things that he has/had to work on in order for me to move forward.

 

For me the difference is he never did anything knowing that he would hurt me, when I engaged this other guy I knew H would be hurt, if he found out. I think the term "all the work" is really meaning making the BS feel safe in the relationship. I think everyone understand the WS can't change the BS so they don't really mean all the work.

 

Its important that those of us that made the chioce to stray also try to understand how difficult it is for them to shallow what we've done. I think this is almost impossible as long as the WS is reaching back and dragging issue up from before. Those issue had nothing to do with the infidelity, as much as many WS would want to believe. Its almost like saying "I was perfect in the marriage until I cheated but now its equal so we both have to pull 50%" sorry goodyblue, it doesn't work like that.

[goodyblue]

C'mon, goodyblue. You're cherry-picking comments to fit the knee-jerk "But the BS has work to do, too!" mantra. You're better than that.

 

I was actually responding to some that said they wouldn't lift.a finger, that it was all on the WS. That is never going to work. But a little OT. Sorry bout that.