Third time a charm?

[absentpresence]

I'm in a really awkward situation and need some sound advice on what to do. A little history - My SO and I have been together for 14.5 years. We have two children - our oldest is 18 from her previous relationship (my kid as far as I'm concerned) and our mutual daughter is 12. We are younger parents me 35 and she is 36 and she has lost both her parents - her mother when she was 12 and her father 12 years ago. She does not have any family support on her side and my family has treated her like a daughter throughout our relationship. I treat her like she means everything to me. We carpool to work together and I tell her EVERY SINGLE morning that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Every morning is not an exaggeration. She means the world to me and I put her and the kids first always before I ever get anything for myself. I periodically buy her gifts, or do things for her like get her starbucks while she sleeps in on Saturdays. I would never do anything to hurt her.

 

 

The situation: When my youngest was 3, my SO had an affair with someone she worked with. She denied it for an insanely long time - I even moved out for a year and she still denied it until I met someone else - almost instantly she came clean and swore she wanted us to work. Stupid me still in love with her fell for it. Fast forward 10 years and I found out yesterday (5 days before Christmas) she has been having a daytime affair (lunch time flings) with someone she used to work with. They have been meeting once a week over lunch for 2.5 years until around November this year. He has a wife and kids too and to prevent anyone from finding out, they agreed to only keep in business hours. WTF???!! Is this behavior normal? She says she loves me and can't imagine her life without me and she was stupid and doesn't want to lose me. This is not just a one night stand. In a conscious mind, she was aware of the risks this had of destroying our family and went ahead with it. She says there were only 3 sexual encounters over that period but I don't buy that...only 3 makes no sense. I had some suspicions just from her behavior over the last couple years so the fact she cheated was not a huge surprise - but the fact that it was a 2.5 year affair to that magnitude was a mind blower. My heart is crushed and it takes every ounce of might not to shed a tear in front of my daughters. The last time a cried was the last time she cheated and this time, my world has collapsed.

 

 

Now the awkward part of this is its 5 days before Christmas, my family has already finished their shopping, I have finished my shopping, we are hosting Christmas for 17 members of my family. She has no family for me to kick her out to and my parents loves her like a daughter - it will break my mom's heart if I go to her with this before Christmas but is it fair to my family to put on a fake smile when I'm dying inside? Do I ask my parents to host instead and leave her here on Christmas? She has nobody else. Christmas morning is going to suck. What do I do to get through this? What would anyone else do in this position?

 

 

I love and care about my SO beyond anything but I will never trust her again and I know this - not even a smidge - I'm wondering what type of person premeditates adultery to this level. I can't be with someone I don't trust but I also don't want to lose the small things that I do enjoy with her - touching feet at night in bed, fun little flirting in the kitchen when cooking. Also the financial aspects of both of us is tough to change - my daughters braces will have to wait because paying for two houses takes the disposable income out. She has not stopped apologizing and is begging for me to keep her.

 

 

Please help me shed some light and confirm I'm doing the right thing by kicking her out after Christmas and not before - or should I be considering a "third chance"??????!!!!

[whichwayisup]

You are amazing. To hear how much you adore and love your wife is nice to hear!

 

Just really sucks and is awful that she's selfish and has taken advantage of your love and trust, she doesn't appreciate you or your family (her inlaws who see her as their own daughter) and what she has. She certainly has risked it all, hasn't she. And for what? To serve her own needs above everybody elses, entitlement. Yuck.

 

Wait until after Christmas. Sadly you have no choice there... I say this for your kids sake.

[thummper]

God, man!!! My heart goes out to you. Who can understand why people do what they do?

[whichwayisup]

And no way should you work on your marriage right away. Your wife is in total desperation mode right now, apologizing and begging. She needs to suffer consequences of her selfish choices by having an affair. She risked everything, so now she can be on her own and "live" life without you and the comforts of being in the family unit as one. She did this, her actions and daily choices... NOT you.

 

She can see what life will be like without relying on you and your family. Not being around her kids 24/7. She can spend as much time as she wants with the married guy now...Ha, see how long she lasts before she realizes wtf did I do and come running home to you.

 

THAT is when you get her into counseling. Individual counseling and marriage counseling (use the same person) and work together to at least be co parents together, and go from there.

 

I'm not telling you to forgive her or divorce her. There's just no rush to divorce or to run fix your marriage right now. You need time to think and do some counseling on your own... Your wife has betrayed you, not once, not twice but THREE times. She is broken inside, has some issues (maybe the death of her parents?) that need to be fixed. You didn't do anything wrong. You are a great husband and father, she has thrown away a pretty good family all for some hot times with a married man who isn't even available to her full time.

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[MuddyFootprints]

Get a legal consult asap. Find out what you can or can't do, legally. Regardless of what people advise here, chances are you can't just simply "kick her out".

[oldshirt]

If you had a year long separation after her first A, she knew the risks and she still chose to have a 2 1/2 yr affair after her 2nd chance.

 

If you take her back she knows she has you beat and nothing will really happen so there's no reason for her not to have fun with every guy in town.

 

Other than official parenting business, there's no reason for you to have any contact or consideration for her.

 

If she sits home by herself for Christmas, it might give her a little time for self-reflection but who knows.

[betrayedandhurting]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

1. This isn't your fault. It's 150% her. You may not be able to ever "fix" this.

 

2. Your actions towards her are NOT helping. Being a super loving husband waiting on her hand and foot and telling her you love her is considered "beta" behavior and wives tune out to it, and the flawed ones then cheat. NOT your fault but I bet you thought many times if only you loved her more, right? Wrong.

 

3. Search the "180" on this site. Give her horrifying consequences immediately starting with canceling Christmas, letting all the family and mutal friends know, and if your children are old enough to understand let them know in reasonable general terms what has happened. Make her get an STD test and make her schedule immediate individual counseling. Every social media and private account of any kind needs to become public and you need to seek ways you can verify all wayward behavior has stopped. Stop saying I love you, don't do anything for her, make yourself scarce and start preparing to leave. That will scare her straight.

 

4. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and be stunned how it matches your story and others stories, like mine. Watch her come back to you if you take the 180 seriously but be prepared to leave, you may find yourself not wanting her anymore.

 

Good luck, too many including myself have been there.

Edited December 22, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[betrayedandhurting]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

1. This isn't your fault. It's 150% her. You may not be able to ever "fix" this.

 

2. Your actions towards her are NOT helping. Being a super loving husband waiting on her hand and foot and telling her you love her is considered "beta" behavior and wives tune out to it, and the flawed ones then cheat. NOT your fault but I bet you thought many times if only you loved her more, right? Wrong.

 

3. Search the "180" on this site. Give her horrifying consequences immediately starting with canceling Christmas, letting all the family and mural friends know, and if your children are old enough to understand let them know in reasonable general terms what has happened. Make her get an STD test and make her schedule immediate individual counseling. Stop saying I love you, don't do anything for her, make yourself scarce and start preparing to leave. That will scare her straight.

 

4. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and be stunned how it matches your story and others stories, like mine. Watch her come back to you if you take the 180 seriously but be prepared to leave, you may find yourself not wanting her anymore.

 

Good luck, too many including myself have been there.

[BetrayedH]

I'm generally considered a softy around here but I have no patience for waywards that go off and do it a second time. No third chances.

 

Yes, ask your parents to host.

 

Try to catch an attorney for a consult before the holiday so you can start learning your options.

[road]

Time to make WW feel the consequences. Expose to your parents, siblings, and your kids.

 

 

Get legal advice.

 

 

Schedule a polygraph test for your WW to prevent any more trickle truthing.

 

 

Once you get the whole truth best to divorce her.

[Zenstudent]

She knew the price. Let her pay it. No need for you to go through very akward holidays pretending and producing lies in front of your family.

[Friskyone4u]

You are correct when you say it is impossible to believe they only had sex three times in 2.5 years. That is preposterous and not true and you know it.

It would be one thing if you had not moved out and shown her the consequences the first time. The she goes and does it again.

She regrets that you caught because now there may be consequences again. Not sure how you caught her but she did not apparently confess.

You are either going to live for years and years wondering every time you leave the house now what she is doing since she has already show you how she consciously planned her affair to make it happen while you were at work.

She made her bed and she needs to lie in it. You need and or removal of her from your life and I hope you have exposed this to her boyfriends wife.

[absentpresence]

Thank you everyone for the advice and support - a lot of mixed thoughts on what to do and how to handle it. As selfish as I want to be to take Christmas away from her, I can't do this to my kids or my family. We have smaller family get together Saturday with the other side of my family which I am not bringing her to and will explain to my family before then.

 

 

I completely agree that her motives right now are being driven by fear and desperation. Her answer as to the "why" is I don't know...this is what I think kills me inside. Was she looking for a way out? Was she looking for some fun? What was her motive for this?

 

 

I've told her I will help her get a place of her own for February 01 and will split the home furnishings equally - I'll split by 2 and she can choose which half she wants and I'll take the alternate. Financially I will not be able to get her out sooner. As much as she cries and begs for "us" not to end, I'm holding firm to this decision.

 

 

Thanks again everyone for your support and insights. It is truly appreciated.

[oldshirt]

Thank you everyone for the advice and support - a lot of mixed thoughts on what to do and how to handle it. As selfish as I want to be to take Christmas away from her, I can't do this to my kids or my family. We have smaller family get together Saturday with the other side of my family which I am not bringing her to and will explain to my family before then.

 

 

I completely agree that her motives right now are being driven by fear and desperation. Her answer as to the "why" is I don't know...this is what I think kills me inside. Was she looking for a way out? Was she looking for some fun? What was her motive for this?

 

 

I've told her I will help her get a place of her own for February 01 and will split the home furnishings equally - I'll split by 2 and she can choose which half she wants and I'll take the alternate. Financially I will not be able to get her out sooner. As much as she cries and begs for "us" not to end, I'm holding firm to this decision.

 

 

Thanks again everyone for your support and insights. It is truly appreciated.

 

 

Why are you paying a cent???? There will be plenty of costs when it comes to lawyers and court costs and such.

 

She plays, she pays. Make her furnish her own apartment. If she can only afford to sleep on the floor, too bad so sad.

[MuddyFootprints]

Why are you paying a cent???? There will be plenty of costs when it comes to lawyers and court costs and such.

 

She plays, she pays. Make her furnish her own apartment. If she can only afford to sleep on the floor, too bad so sad.

 

Legally, that's not the way it typically works, as unfortunate as it may sound.

 

There needs to be a legal agreement in place, before either of them makes any move.

Edited December 22, 2014 by MuddyFootprints

[Mal78]

I am so deeply sorry you are going through this. You are amazing that you still want her to be comfortable over the holidays. Of course much of that is for your children/family but it also sounds like you genuinely care about her feelings.

 

As for hosting Christmas, call your Mom up and tell her there is a lot going on right now and hosting Christmas is going to put tremendous stress upon you that you can't have right now. You don't have to go into details however I would advise you to cancel ASAP!

 

Does your family live near? Your wife doesn't need to be there for the *festivities* she at this point might just as much be fine with that. If you have to include her let it ONLY be gift opening with the kids. Let her open her *ONE* gift from the kids and take back the rest.

 

Perhaps part of her knows how forgiving and in love with her you are so she easily justified her 2.5 year office romance (Oh gawd man, I still can't wrap my mind around that I can't imagine your devastation). Give her no more inches, you deserve MUCH better and she is out there! You, nor your kids need this hell!

 

You need support and being that it is only a few days before Christmas I suggest telling your mom/dad and/or sibling/sibling-in-law so they can help ward of any pressure of questioning. Don't do this alone.

 

I hope, one day this becomes a blessing and you can move forward it sounds like you have been living in limbo just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anticipating it. You deserve to be happy again.

[BeholdtheMan]

I treat her like she means everything to me.

It's not healthy to think of another person as "everything" to you. There is no such thing as unconditional, absolute love...the closest thing to that is the love loving parents have for their children.

 

Your love for your wife should be based on her love for you. Marriage is a mutual love. If your wife ceases to love you (or even respect you), it is insane to continue loving her.

 

We carpool to work together and I tell her EVERY SINGLE morning that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Every morning is not an exaggeration. She means the world to me

 

This is unhealthy. You sound incredibly needy and weak. I'm not sugar-coating my advice. Other posters might not agree with my views, but I will call it as a I see it.

 

Showering her with adulation speaks of your low self-esteem. Your a man, she's a woman. As husband and wife, the two of you are partners in life. As the man, she will often expect you to take the lead, to be strong and decisive...to exhibit masculine vigour and confidence. Worshipping the ground upon which she walks is pathetic in her eyes, not just mine

 

I put her and the kids first

Good on you for putting your kids first

 

However, why do you always put her first? Putting your marriage first does not mean putting your wife first ahead of yourself. You two are equals. You're not her manservant.

 

I periodically buy her gifts, or do things for her like get her starbucks while she sleeps in on Saturdays. I would never do anything to hurt her.

You are behaving like a manservant. Therefore, she takes you for granted.

 

 

Stupid me still in love with her fell for it.

Stupid you indeed

 

Fast forward 10 years and I found out yesterday (5 days before Christmas) she has been having a daytime affair (lunch time flings) with someone she used to work with.

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me

 

WTF???!! Is this behavior normal? She says she loves me and can't imagine her life without me and she was stupid and doesn't want to lose me.

This behaviour is normal for a woman whose husband behaves like her manservant. You've prostrated yourself all these years before her shining magnificence. You've practically handed your balls to her on a silver platter.

 

She can't bear to part with her manservant. Your service makes her life very convenient. You dote on her as she rides some other bloke's rock-hard pole.

 

You need to man the f*ck up

 

I love and care about my SO beyond anything

Why? She hasn't given a sh*t about you since her first affair years ago

 

 

I also don't want to lose the small things that I do enjoy with her - touching feet at night in bed, fun little flirting in the kitchen when cooking

How about you find another woman? Why would you want to touch feet and flirt with a woman who bangs other dudes behind your back?

 

Are you really that unattractive? You can't find a woman more deserving of your affection?

 

Also the financial aspects of both of us is tough to change - my daughters braces will have to wait because paying for two houses takes the disposable income out. She has not stopped apologizing and is begging for me to keep her.

You'd be a moron to let her fool you twice

 

I be considering a "third chance"??????!!!!

You've tasted sh*t twice...are you eager for a third helping?

[Mal78]

It's not healthy to think of another person as "everything" to you. There is no such thing as unconditional, absolute love...the closest thing to that is the love loving parents have for their children.

 

Your love for your wife should be based on her love for you. Marriage is a mutual love. If your wife ceases to love you (or even respect you), it is insane to continue loving her.

 

 

 

This is unhealthy. You sound incredibly needy and weak. I'm not sugar-coating my advice. Other posters might not agree with my views, but I will call it as a I see it.

 

Showering her with adulation speaks of your low self-esteem. Your a man, she's a woman. As husband and wife, the two of you are partners in life. As the man, she will often expect you to take the lead, to be strong and decisive...to exhibit masculine vigour and confidence. Worshipping the ground upon which she walks is pathetic in her eyes, not just mine

 

 

Good on you for putting your kids first

 

However, why do you always put her first? Putting your marriage first does not mean putting your wife first ahead of yourself. You two are equals. You're not her manservant.

 

 

You are behaving like a manservant. Therefore, she takes you for granted.

 

 

 

Stupid you indeed

 

 

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me

 

 

This behaviour is normal for a woman whose husband behaves like her manservant. You've prostrated yourself all these years before her shining magnificence. You've practically handed your balls to her on a silver platter.

 

She can't bear to part with her manservant. Your service makes her life very convenient. You dote on her as she rides some other bloke's rock-hard pole.

 

You need to man the f*ck up

 

Why? She hasn't given a sh*t about you since her first affair years ago

 

 

 

How about you find another woman? Why would you want to touch feet and flirt with a woman who bangs other dudes behind your back?

 

Are you really that unattractive? You can't find a woman more deserving of your affection?

 

You'd be a moron to let her fool you twice

 

You've tasted sh*t twice...are you eager for a third helping?

 

You sure didn't sugar coat it however it is VERY sound advice! All very pertaining, particularly the last line which sums it up beautiful.

[Jkidding]

She has no family for me to kick her out to and my parents loves her like a daughter - it will break my mom's heart if I go to her with this before Christmas but is it fair to my family to put on a fake smile when I'm dying inside?

 

Tell your mother what you found out and she will break your wife's heart before Christmas for you When I told my parents that my wife is cheating on me they told me this is some misunderstanding and they don't believe it. Then I found more proof and told them I have it (no no, I didn't actually show them pictures or anything, I am not that sick). And they told me they don't want ever to talk to my ex wife. After I divorced my father asked me if I can show him papers. I did. Then he handed me money enough to buy my own apartment.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Jkidding

[drifter777]

OP: you've got this! Do what you have to for Xmas & then get her out of your life. Yeah, you have a lot of history with her but much of it is bad. This is the second affair you've busted her on - why would you think there haven't been more?

[Jkidding]

Is there any better time than Christmas to say your WS that you've done with her

[beach]

You're being strong. Good for you.

 

Be true to yourself. She obviously doesn't respect and honor you - so there's little left to work with.

 

 

She did this - they are her consequences to her bad behavior. Since you're not planning to stay with her I can't see why it's important to put on a fake smile and pretend during Christmas that everything is ok, when it's not.

 

She did it - do what's right for you now...she can figure it out for herself...she's a grown woman.

 

Look out for yourself and the kids.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your love for your wife should be based on her love for you. Marriage is a mutual love. If your wife ceases to love you (or even respect you), it is insane to continue loving her.

 

This is unhealthy. You sound incredibly needy and weak. I'm not sugar-coating my advice. Other posters might not agree with my views, but I will call it as a I see it.

 

Showering her with adulation speaks of your low self-esteem.

 

I could not agree more.

 

Her behavior is not news to you. She did it before. You should have expected it. And you did - didn't you?

 

She should not do it, but YOU should not have allowed it as you did until now. Now is the time for you to not allow it.

 

Christmas? It's just a day. Get through it, if you need to, and then do what you need to do. I don't really believe you have the balls to leave her on ANY day. Your actions don't speak as someone with the balls of a real man.

[beach]

And tell her other man to hook her up for Christmas Day - she is available now - let him look after her cheating behind.

 

They deserve each other - make sure that's her only option for Christmas Day.

[BeholdtheMan]

OP, your wife isn't a goddess. Stop thinking of her as one.

 

She's a deeply flawed woman who's broken her vows to you twice. Do you really want to let her do it thrice?